Smear to the library, where Coach Beiste assures the happy couple that she’s been certified via a Mayan website and therefore can successfully wed them. Sam says that he wants them “to meet Q’uq’umatz, the feathered snake guide, together.”
alternately, i could civil unionize you, i mean it’s basically the same thing
Vows:
Sam: “Brittany, I’ve always thought you were super hot and really smart, but what I didn’t know was that you wre going to end up being my soul mate. Who knows what the future holds for us? Probably tsunamis and horrible sea monsters. But now I’m not worried about that because I have you.”
we may as well fast-forward to the afterlife at this point because that’s how fast this thing is moving
Brittany: “Sam, when you first joined the Glee Club, I didn’t notice for a while. It wasn’t until you did your Rich Little impression and then told me it was a Rich Little impression and explained who Rich Little was that I just… I knew you were special. And I can’t tell you how excited I am to become your Mayan star-wife.”
Then they kiss:
approved by One Million Moms
Smear to the morning of the 22nd, in which Brittany wakes up to find Sam at the desk in a wifebeater, checking the calendar to ensure that the world did not, indeed, end, although I’m more preoccupied by how many vaginas would’ve exploded if Santana had ever woken up in Brittany’s bed. Alas, the world remains explosion-free.
Sam: “You know what this means? The world didn’t end.”
Brittany: “We’re also married.”
sexy bedhead
After a brief tour amid The World Of Adults, we cut to a half-adult/half-child scene in which Mrs.Marley tells Melancholy Marley-Kate that her only present this year is a psychiatrist appointment. Hahaa remember when I said they’d bungle this storyline and now they are
yes it’s true i’m wearing these gloves because i was about to go fist michelle tea
[FTR: If anybody wants to get me therapy for Hannukah, you will get into heaven I promise.]
Ms. Marley: “You wanna give me a gift, sing me something.”
Melancholy Marley-Kate pulls off a solid a capella version of Noel, as Sue Sylvester hovers in the hallway looking like the Grinch right before he decided to return Christmas to the Whos of Who-Ville.
let’s just go home and talk about kierkegaard
Then Sue decides to sell her fancy tree in order to accumulate cash to make a Merry Little Christmas for Melancholy Marley-Kate and her Mom, ’cause Ms. Marley is her Secret Santa. Then Becky & Sue break into Marleyhouse and fill the Christmas tree with heaps of presents, like the Benneton sweater Becky rejected.
oh my god there’s a tree growing in the living room
It’s a Christmas miracle!
after this, let’s go to taco bell
Cut back to Breadsticks, Home of Hospitaliano, where New Puck and Old Man Puck are looking lovingly upon their two Moms, who are bonding over a mutual dislike for Oldest Man Puck.
yup looks like the bathroom is still occuppied
Elsewhere in this spacious monument to Italian cooking, Coach Beiste is reasurring Sam and Brittany and that they’re not actually married.
but theoretically we could still get married if we wanted to, yes? because brittany says her ex said it was against the law so we’re just really confused here
Beiste: “There aren’t actually any Mayan church Web sites. The Mayans were wiped out 500 years ago by the conquistadors and smallpox.”
Beiste explains that she didn’t wanna see these two “special” kids end up marrying too young, birthing some little rascals and turning to a life of petty assault and other crimes warranting Blurred-Out faces on COPS. Also I feel like Santana would’ve wanted a heads-up that two of her exes were tying the knot, but she’s not on payroll this episode so we all have to pretend she doesn’t exist, also I think we’re supposed to forget that Sam ever dated Mercedes, so basically our entire lives are just dust in the wind.
this is happening in another dimension at the same time actually
Brittany and Sam mourn the loss of their apocalyptic cheer, noting how much energy and zest for life they’d maintained in their pre-apocalypse days. Beistie fakes a text from an archeaologist named Indiana Jones, who just discovered the new Mayan calendar says the world will end on September 27th, 2014, to get them excited about life again, or something:
Brittany: “That gives us like two whole years of giving love and brutal honesty to everyone we know.”
I suggest starting with this guy:
ladies, it is me, the wood that holds your desks together
Smear over the river and through the woods, past Mommy kissing Santa Claus and Granny getting run over by a reindeer and me smashing my head against the table to the Bushwick Barbie Dreamhouse Loft, where Kurt, Burt and Blaine are sitting ’round the coffee table, watching some sort of athletic event on the television.
if you concentrate really hard, you can see a sailboat
Kurt lasts 20 seconds before he picks up VOGUE, which I mean seriously hasn’t he already read it? Didn’t he help put it together? Anyhow, Burt asks Blaine about his future. Blaine says he’s considering applying to NYADA and Kurt’s reaction is unclear — and Blaine either does or doesn’t pick up on it and it either will or will not matter come January.
lets have eggnog and sing about snow
Then Kurt turns into a bunny rabbit and hops all the way to the prairie and eats grass and carrots forever and starts a tiny-bunny farm for tiny bunnies to practice hopping and eating carrots forever and ever and ever amen.
cutest jammies ever
Starsweep back across the country to the arid flatlands and bustling Cracker Barrels of Lima, Ohio, where Adult Parts are happening — namely, Mrs. Marley has determined it was Sue who Saved Christmas but wants to return the cash gift, to which Sue says:
Sue: “Well, you and I both know how hard it is to be a single mother. So take the money, and make sure that daughter of yours gets better. Is that understood?”
hey there is a wild gay bunny in the hallway, you might wanna check it out
Mrs. Marley acquiesces and then implores Sue to accompany her to the auditorium so Marley can say thank you also, and Sue basically says exactly what I was thinking:
Sue: “Does this involve the glee club singing a Christmas song in the auditorium with snow falling on an elaborate winter scene?”
Smear to the auditorium…
Sue: “Yep, okay, this is exactly what I just described.”
the jcrew winter collection, as modeled by the cast of glee and a human-sized potato kugel
Marley-Kate says she’s pulled the whole! gang! together for a song!
i wish
Sue notes, “Well, it’s a testament to how little you know me if you think this is something I would enjoy.” Amen, sister.
slightly less annoying than alvin and the chipmunks
We then smear over to Breadsticks, where The Pucks and Brittany & Sam are singing, and then to the Bushwick Barbie Dreamhouse Loft, where Kurt and Blaine are singing, and then back to the auditorium….
…and then to the first ever all-carbohydrate production of Frosty the Snowman…
frosty the snowman had a very jolly bowl of gnocchi
…followed by the first all-lesbian production of Polar Bear Express, staring Quinn as a butch top…
…and then back to Dear Dear McKinley High School, where even Sue’s eyes are watery, and the children erupt with Christmas cheer! Fake snow rains upon their heads like manna from heaven, like starlight, like pine trees, like carols and wreathes and Princess Unicorn and all the Whos in Whoville and the mountains of Killington and the valleys of the North Pole and the Polar Bears and the Penguins and all of us here in the human family forever and FYI, the only part of Love Actually I liked was the All I Want For Christmas Is You situation at the end. I know they did it last year, but just saying.
Also, a round of applause for Intern Grace:
Pages: 1 2See entire article on one page
I love Love Actually.
The screen caps were pure gold. I was sad about the lack of hover text, but then they kept getting better so I got over it.
Recap was amazing also. The “Brittany has tons of money” interjection was awkward and forced, like if she has that much money saved up why haven’t her parents paid a million tutors to help her in school? If she’s that good with money, why did she fail math?
This show, man.
Oh my god, what the fuck is this show? I can’t. I just. Fucking. Can’t.
But these photoshopped situations were amazing. I’m going to pretend that this shitshow exists solely in Riese’s mind so that we can get fabulous photos to mock and laugh at because the reality of it is too painful to consider.
I’m waiting for next weeks all-female-cast-members-of-Glee Christmas episode…
Brilliant re-cap.
Also: still love my Samantha doll!
I bequeathed my Samantha doll to a neighbour girl when I was a “grown up” fifteen year told. I regret this decision every day of my life and the Samantha-shaped hole in my heart continues to ache.
Time, and everything else, made so little sense in this episode I had to keep reminding myself that I wasn’t actually just really high.
So Puck can put a crib together for Shelly, but he can’t put IKEA furniture together?
I watched ‘Love Actually’ for the first time earlier this week. I hate it with a fiery passion. Three dudes falling in love with subordinate women and a generous serve of fucked up discourse about women’s bodies and weight. I don’t care how adorbs people think Colin Firth is in a dorky sweater diving into a pond. That shit ain’t cool.
I watch this show religiously with my all-out-cheese-lovin, queen of questionable taste best friend- predictably, she was all “Aww, that’s lovely, look at how lovely it all is. Isn’t it? Aww, I love Love Actually, this is the best Christmas Glee ever!”, whilst I was all like “You can’t put a hole in a stocking and call it a filler”. Yawn, cringe and frustrated sighs + my beloved Brit marries a man because Apocalypse.
Let’s just forget this ever happened.
We might not be able to forget this all happened… but we can be sure the writers will.
Having watched this episode last night, I have one question and one question only: WHO IS THE CHEERIO WITH THE MEGAN RAPINOE-ESQUE HAIRCUT?
(0:22 in this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r9lfPy5eCk0&noredirect=1)
Ahh the alternative lifestyle haircut cheerio. She’s in Santana and Britanny’s Dance with Somebody – the camera pans to her as Santana sings “…to hold me in her arms”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e5C_s0ss67s
When I first heard that Glee was going to do a Love, Actually-style Christmas episode, I said to myself “Riese is not going to be happy about this!”.
ha!
Like most multicellular organisms, I have come to hate Glee, but OH MY GOD LEA MICHELLE IN THOSE GLASSES, AND THEN IN THAT DRESS AND THOSE BOOTS. Now that I have seen these things, they cannot be unseen, and I may have to watch the episode to see them some more, and afterwards I will feel ashamed.
Also, since the post on coats, I covet all toggle coats. Including Blaine’s.
Also, OH MY GOD, BURT IS WEARING A NYADA BASEBALL CAP! Four for you, Burt Hummel!
Oh boy do I ever hate Love Actually. My brother loves it though, so I’ve been subjected to it more than a few times. Those things that you hate but everyone else seems to like are so annoying. A big one for me is How I Met Your Mother. Ugh x 100.
Fist Michelle Tea?! I actually did a little spit take at that! lol That came out of nowhere. :)
Oh, and I loved the movie posters! Great work on those.
I’m still trying to figure out how Artie as a jock instead of disabled student would cause many of those outcomes. The character hasn’t had that much impact on the direction of other students. And lets be honest – Artie wouldn’t have been a jock to begin with, even had Artie never had a car accident. He would have still been a sweater-vest wearing nerd-festival. Which would have been just fine and in-character.
But this shouldn’t surprise me that they would get their “what would happen if” scenario wrong, given that Glee writers can’t even get their canon timeline straight in their heads let alone alternate timelines.
I don’t think a nerd but I do think chances are of wasn’t concussion incuded dream and being angry at chair Artie would be dancer. He also has good voice so chances in realistic alternative universe something like vocal adradline would’ve snatched him upm it’s an anger and concussion induced dream let go of all realistic expectations.
What the fucking fuck????
Mad props for the Photoshop skills.
On account of I’ve stopped watching it after that stupid lesbian blogger community ep (that wasn’t even the main reason – I just had enough of Glee), my nights are now filled with much better activities – like marathoning Buffy (hahaha!). :) So I’d like to thank you Riese for doing the watching for us, so we don’t have to. Great recap! ;) This show is CRAP.
Love, Actually is indeed the worst movie of all time.
I wish there was a disability narrative that wasn’t just I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY over and over again.
Hahahaha! Apparently you haven’t seen “Valentine’s Day” – which I think is the WORST MOVIE OF ALL TIME! hahaha! ;)
intern grace really went above and beyond for this recap. I was very impressed.
also i feel like they really dumbed sam down. I know he wasn’t that sharp to begin with, but. like they were trying to make him and brittany together more believable or cute or something, but it was unnecessary and annoying.
i totally agree, i don’t remember sam being stupid at all, until maybe near the end of last season when they were prepping for this. also there’s been no mention of the fact that he used to date santana or mercedes, it’s like they’ve just retconned him 100%, which of course, is not really at all surprising from them.
Star of the show: Intern Grace’s Sister.
I mean, wow.
She goes to AMDA, aka real-ish NYADA. I feel like her training really shined through in this particular moment.
omg i am so happy that so many of you hate love actually
omg i want to watch whatever involves quinn as a butch top in that uniform.
Kirsten. It was all about Kirsten for me. Because she was like Laura Ingalls Wilder but Swedish. I still have her and her original clothes somewhere.
I agree this was far from Glee’s best episode this season. I like the premise, as I like “Love, Actually” overall as well, but it felt sloppy in its execution. My coworker at DISH and I both thought the individual stories did little to endear audiences, except Klaine’s story and duet which was fantastic. I have been recording the season on my DISH Hopper thanks to PrimeTime Anytime so I can watch Glee when I have time. PrimeTime Anytime allows me to record up to six channels, including the four major networks, during primetime. My family doesn’t fight over the TV anymore, since everything we want can be recorded at once. I loved seeing Klaine’s ice skating duet, but I don’t think it will lead to anything for them in the long run.
I haven’t seen Love Actually. From the trailer I could tell it wasn’t something I would be able to endure without grievous injury and am fortunate enough to be friends only with people with equally ice-cold hearts, thus would never subject me to it.
These photoshops are just amazing and I think display more coherent characterisations than have ever been seen in the programme itself.
LET’S JUST GO HOME AND TALK ABOUT KIERKEGAARD
Just caught the end of ‘Love, Actually’ as my sister was watching it.
How unfortunate is it that it actually is better than this latest episodes of Glee?
That time when you’ve been without the internet for the past week, so while scrolling through th autosraddle archive you immediately think the “I’m Sorry, But I Can’t Fucking Do This. Can You? Can Anyone?” article is actually the glee recap.
I’m just gonna leave this here, because I think it is relevant to the interests of my fellow “Love, Actually” haters: https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=_V4EXRF_0H4
I think you have a great page here today was my first time coming here.. I just happened to find it doing a google search. anyway, good post.. Ill be bookmarking this page for sure.
Fuck you all Forex bustards
Marely called Artie and had him bring it all together. Who was at some point in episode during a day of school Artie was sent home with a concussion. You can see when they preform you can see under his eye is still kind of messed up. Why did Marely ask Artie 0 clue espically sense he wasn’t at acpcolpyse meeting. Yeah you all missed her saying she had Artie set it up it’s cool. And Artie’s dream was a dream that was sparked by a concussion. And Artie’s chair is kind of why Rachel sparked Schue to look for someone cool as Rachel didn’t feel the gay boy and kid in wheelchair suited leading male part. Rachel and Mike are the weird things in Artie’s dream. I personally think Artie would’ve been more into dance then football but maybe he felt safer on football team. It’s a dream. Puck and Finn’s grades would have been bad they brought them up thanks to Glee.