Hello, and welcome to the eighth recap of the fourth season of Glee, a show about a human-shaped pile of gnocchi and the rag-tag gang of total idiots he’s teaching how to dance. This week’s Thanksgiving episode was perhaps the series’ most anticipated holiday episode yet due to the obvious question we ask ourselves every November: will Finn escape the menacing claws of the potato masher once again, or will this Thanksgiving finally be his last?
On a scale of one to ten, I didn’t hate this episode! However, if a genie granted me three wishes, I’d use all of them to scratch this all-inclusive eating disorder storyline. Also, my girlfriend has totally lost patience with this show and therefore refuses to copyedit this post for me and it’s Sunday so I can’t bug anybody else about it. Sigh. I hope I spelled everything right! (Our wordpress spellcheck is dysfunctional, just like our relationship with this show.)
We open in the Awe-Inspiring Auditorium of McKinley High School, to which our Old Friends Who Can Actually Sing have returned to Actually Sing, starting with Quinn Fabray and her Amazing Technicolor Dreamscarf.
still finds the acoustics lacking
Unfortunately, our Old Friends Who Can Actually Sing have been gifted an upsetting mashup of “Homeward Bound” by Simon & Garfunkel and “Home” by Some Guy from American Idol, which seems like it should be outlawed by the Simon & Garfunkel estate, but apparently isn’t. Regardless, the tune serves to nicely harmonize with the version of Home by Some Guy From American Idol currently playing in the apartment above mine on near-constant repeat. I digress.
please sir can i have some more
Quinn opens, as aforementioned, and is immediately joined by Old Man Puck and his fake guitar, at which point we begin to hear the sweet sweet sounds of Naya Rivera and Amber Riley echoing from the dusty chambers of this Auspicious Auditorium as Mercedes, Mike, Santana Lopez and Santana’s impressively-packaged rack join Quinn onstage. Before long Bloaty The Gravy Clown joins the team and judging by their matching cardigans it’s easy to conclude that Finn and Mike Chang are doing the horizontal mambo.
the calm before the soul train
Then everyone hugs and smiles and laughs even though Finn probably reeks of turkey stock.
puck has a boner
The takeaway from this scene is YAY THE OLD CAST IS BACK!!!!
Zoom on over to the Hallowed Hallways of McKinley High, where O’Marley’s recounting via monologue some childhood dream where she looked like Mary-Kate Olson.
it’s okay uncle jesse, i’ll play ping-pong with you later
In said dream, Marley-Kate-Olson stood onstage before a “full house” (GET IT?!!) of humans who’d trekked out just to see her perform, which’s a blinding stroke of good luck considering nothing’s worse than performing for a “full house” who’d trekked out just to see Cloud Atlas and therefore have no clue what Marley-Kate Olson is doing up there with that dramatic lighting.
look mom, the dress fits so good that i’ve decided to keep wearing it every day!
Marley-Kate goes on to monologue that Mom’s lost 12 pounds but unfortunately Marley-Kate has not lost quite so much, perhaps because she’s already rocking a skeletal frame and, at this point, could only lose additional weight by severing a limb.
i know it’s called a blow job, but it doesn’t involve actual blowing. i know it can be confusing but trust me, i’m your mother
Again, as someone with a storied personal history of EDs and an uncanny knack for dating or best-friending people with severe eating disorders and a sick habit of reading eating disorder memoirs, I can say equivocally that this storyline is profoundly stupid and I hate it and everything about it sucks. So, as I said two weeks ago and Lizz said last week, I cannot abide this storyline. Also — seriously if the writing team can’t come up with a better segue into this Very Special Issue than Marley-Kate being so stupid that she doesn’t notice that all her regular clothes fit while her costume keeps getting tighter, then I can’t come up with a better segue into this Very Special Issue than making fun of it. ONWARD.
Cut to Breadsticks, where Our Old Friends Who Can Actually Sing have gathered to suck down some soft drinks and deliver exposition and a bit of fandom-pandering.
when you’re here, you can act like family even though you all kind of always hated each other
They acknowledge that Rachel and Kurt didn’t keep the “promise” to come home for Thanksgiving, which means Finn’s gift of a turkey made out of venison, pork, lamb, beef, chicken feet and freshwater salmon will go untouched by its intended recipient, Rachel Berry The Manic Pixie Vegan.
Quinn: “Well, [Rachel] basically emails me every other week to remind me that I still haven’t used that train ticket she gave me. It’s just that I’m just, I’m trying to keep straight A’s. And I just got tapped to be in the only female secret society at Yale.”
and besides, the metro-north doesn’t match my scarf
Well maybe if Quinn just forfeited that un-used ticket back to Rachel then Rachel could sell that motherfucker on the CL and get her ass to Lima for a steaming hot pile of Tofurkey. Anyhow, Quinn says that alumni of The Lady-Skulls include Hillary Clinton and Jennifer Beals, which means it’s the perfect club for Quinn Fabray, because just like Hilary and J-Beals, Quinn is a lady a lot of lady-loving ladies like involving in their Lesbian Fantasies.
Smear to the Glee Club, where Finn’s lost his damn mind and Santana’s dressed like The Nanny but still looks hot:
Finn: “Do you realize that standing before you are legends?”
posing for madame tussads
It’s basically like Rock of Ages in there. Anyhow, Finn, always the clever opportunist, has decided to pair the younger squirrels with older squirrels for a “mentoring” relationship!
still holding out for a hero
Marley-Kate is with Santana, Unique’s with Mercedes, Ryder Bieber-Strong’s with Mike Chang, New Puck’s with Old Man Puck, Fake Quinn’s with Real Quinn and Finn’s with a bowl of tater-tots.
this guy wants to be just like finn
Fake Quinn creams in her On Gossamers over being paired with her hero, and then Finn announces that Marley-Kate & Blaine will duet at sectionals and for the “showstopper” they’ll be doing “Gangham Style,” a song I managed to know absolutely nothing about until Thursday night when my girlfriend told me about it as we watched this show.
awww, you’re just like me and nothing like me in all the wrong ways
However, I had no intention of viewing the actual video (mostly because I was afraid the song would get stuck in my head like every song in every viral video I’ve ever seen) until an article on Rolling Stone declaring “Gangham Style” the most-watched YouTube video of all time drew me in its direction. Therefore at 4:30 PM on Saturday, December 1st, I watched the “Gangham Style” video for the first time and although I couldn’t make it to the end, I’m 95% sure that we’re all fucked. Like, as a civilization. Anyhow.
throwback
Santana: “Okay, Lumps, let me just say out loud what everyone here is thinking: you finally got an okay haircut, you’re not doing that annoying half smirk as much as you used to but you’re still an idiot and no one in this room can tackle a massive dance number except for Brit, and that includes your little hand jive that to me looks more like a hand j—”
She’s interrupted by Teen Jesus, who wants Schuester to come back, but Finn insists that he’s “got this” and a “big dance number” is what they need to blow the Warblers out of the water. I’m sure Blaine could blow the Warblers. Or, let’s be honest, Ryder Bieber-Strong.
just farted
Finn says Mike Chang will train the hell out of some boy’s lucky unit and everything will be okay.
Cut to the hallowed hallways, where Ryder Bieber-Strong and New Puck are chatting about the upcoming dance-off, Mike Chang’s esteemed career at Joffrey, and their feelings for Marley-Kate, who New Puck says is “special” or some crap. Bla bla bla.
hey dude why do you have a melissa etheridge poster in your locker
Ryder Bieber-Strong says it’s okay if New Puck steals the apple of his eye, but jokingly requests New Puck let Ryder Bieber-Strong win the dance solo because “you don’t get to get everything at this school.” Just ask the lesbians, they don’t get jackshit!
Cut cross-country to the wilds of New York City, where The New Rachel and Kurt are pattering about their decision to spend Thanksgiving in the Rockaways helping with storm relief JUST KIDDING in their Barbie Dreamhouse Bushwick Loft talking/thinking about themselves.
and then we can go to FAO Shwartz and run around on the piano!
Rachel: “I just feel like every time we go home it just makes me feel sad and like we’re not moving forward, you know? And even though we don’t have our boyfriends,we still have our dreams and our ambitions.”
Kurt: “And each other!”
Rachel: “You are the only significant other I need in my life.”
This would be saccharine if it wasn’t totally honest and didn’t bring me back to when I was an 18-year-old aspirant living in New York City with a gay best friend who wanted to be an actor and we strolled around with our arms linked and talked about ourselves and the ex-boyfriends who would only hold us back from our dreams. We liked to imagine that we were in movies because all the hard parts of being young in New York City seem glamorous when you can place those parts within a grander narrative and that narrative has a happy ending. I mean, so much THIS:
Rachel: “We are on the verge of becoming the best versions of ourselves! Can’t you feel it?”
Kurt: “For the first time, probably because it’s easier just to drink your Kool-Aid than go against you, I know what you mean.”
If you can’t drink the Kool-Aid, you can’t survive in New York City, an that’s the truth.
We then traverse back to the heartland of Ohio, where a bunch of gay dudes are playing Dance Dance Revolution for Mike Chang, who declares Ryder Bieber-Strong the winner of The Dance Solo.
and this is how you kill an errant band of fire ants
Cut to Girlville, where the ladies have gathered to watch a short film about puberty JUST KIDDING to worship The Sirens of McKinley High: Brittany S. Pierce, Santana Lopez and The Real Quinn Fabray.
Brittany: “Along with being beautiful, the three of us are National Showchoir Championship Goddesses.”
Santana: “We are winners, which is why Finn has asked us to come and shower you with the inspiration that is the Unholy Trinity.”
so that means no fisting the night before sectionals
They tell the New Girls about how back in high school, the Unholy Trinity were so in sync and totally indestructible and could communicate via body language, like Ursula. It appears the Unholy Trinity has fallen prey to the same rose-colored hindsight problem we all currently suffer from: the idea that way back in the day, everything that happened on this show was way better. I believe this idea is the result of an imaginary reality we’ve constructed out of our very best memories. Ultimately, however, the imaginary reality is all that matters, and I will gladly relish in the joy of them being back together, delivering their sexual-subtext-laden winks/nods and being hot and presenting sweet moments of pure poetry such as: “The judges love the feminine quality, and the Warblers just don’t have it.”
Anyhow, all of this is just a set-up for a beautiful threesome number reminiscent of Season One’s “Say A Little Prayer”:
The Unholy Trinity, indeed.
heaven, three ways
At the number’s end everybody’s had multiple orgasms except Marley-Kate, who looks like she’s swallowed a little E-Coli with her Maalox.
Santana: “You look like you’re gonna hurl.”
Marley-Kate: “Um, I think I’m just really tired from all the rehearsing.”
Marley-Kate dashes out to take care of her Wal-Mucil situation.
Back in the Hallowed Hallways of McKinley High, Fake Quinn corners Real Quinn to gabber regarding Fake Quinn’s incredible affection for Real Quinn and delight over their pairing. Sidenote, wouldn’t she have been on the Cheerios with Quinn last year and maybe also the year before and possibly also the year before that? Where did this bitch come from? —
Kitty: “You’re Quinn Fabray, and I idolize you. You’re Cheerios royalty. Can I show you something?
Quinn: “Sure.”
yup it’s true i’m in lesbians with you
Fake Quinn: “Every day I ask myself “what would Quinn Fabray do?”
Real Quinn: “It’s really nice to know that people still remember me.”
Fake Quinn: “Remember you? Oh no, we aspire to be you, me especially.”
Fake Quinn, unawares that you can’t con a con man and possibly totally awares that on Glee, anything is possible, responds to Real Quinn’s subsequent inquiry on Marley-Kate’s pallor with a flaming lie — that Marley-Kate’s been distracted by New Puck, who’s pressuring her to hand over that cherry and let him pop it.
boys are stupid
This is obviously a lie, but Real Quinn falls for it.
Elsewhere in the hallowed halls, Marley-Kate’s telling New Puck how stunned she is that he’s not gonna be dancing the lead and he explains “honor between bros” to the vacant shadow of her character. New Puck admits that he forfeited his chance to follow in Mike Chang’s point-shoed footprints in order to potentially play hide the salami with Marley-Kate in the den after Suburgatory.
look i told you i don’t feel like santana and i are close enough yet for me to proposition her for a threesome
New Puck wants to walk Marley-Kate to lunch but she’s gotta rehearse, otherwise known as “not eating.”
Thus we soar boldly across many large, great states of America and topple blindly into the expansive lofts of Fake Julliard, where Geyerdean’s teaching Dance 101 ’cause Kate Hudson is off this week, which riles up The New Rachel, who’s still upset at Geyerdean for banging Kate Hudson.
Geyerdean: “And why do you care who I sleep with?”
The New Rachel: “Do I really need to answer that?”
Geyerdean: “Hey, I’m the one who came onto you, remember? You broke off our date to see another guy.”
The New Rachel: “Yeah, well, that’s over now.”
Geyerdean: “And what, so I’m supposed to have retroactively known that that was gonna happen and not slept with Cassie?”
face/off
They foxtrot while Geyerdean delivers a lesson in Adult 101, of which the takeaway is that he can’t read The New Rachel’s mind, this isn’t high school anymore, but that he won’t fuck Kate Hudson again ’cause he doesn’t wanna upset The New Rachel or her bangs. She invites him to Orphan Thanksgiving at The Barbie Dreamhouse Bushwick Loft and he volunteers to cook a giant bird she won’t eat.
just close your eyes and imagine i’m patrick swayze
Cut back to the Hallowed Hallways of McKinley High, where Old Man Puck and New Puck are strolling and chatting when an incensed Real Quinn shows up for a verbal smackdown: she accuses New Puck of pressuring Marley-Kate to have sex and likens this pressure transparently to what Old Man Puck was using to take advantage of a certain Jesus-lovin’ Ohio cow gal who just wanted to “fit in and be loved.” New Puck says he’s innocent.
can i be honest with you right now? I’m like, 35 years old
Real Quinn gets super-intense about sectionals, declaring in an apocalyptic tone that they’ll lose sectionals if Marley-Kate’s not “at her best” and so New Puck needs to “stop distracting her.” Yeah I think Marley-Kate needs to have that conversation with a box of Ex-Lax.
Over the river and through the woods, to the turkey fields we go, the horse knows the way to carry our gay through white and drifted snow, hey-ho we’re in New York City!
this is what came up when i google image searched ‘we’re in new york city’
Back in The Offices of VOGUE, Carrie Bradshaw and Kurt Hummel exchange cutesy banter about Christmas movies. Kurt uses the word “fantabulous,” and Carrie Bradshaw says she’s got no plans for Thanksgiving this year ’cause Gore Vidal died.
wow why does it smell like lovely by sarah jessica parker in here
Kurt invites Carrie Bradshaw to Orphan Thanksgiving at the Barbie Dreamhouse Bushwick Loft, at which point she magically acquires friends and asks if she can bring them, and he says okay. Carrie Bradshaw notes Kurt’s perky attitude and asks if he’s gotten back together with Blaine but Kurt says that he hasn’t and wants to stop thinking about it.
Carrie Bradshaw: “Well look, nothing is better than being single in New York City, but you know, if he’s been reaching out to you…”
Kurt: “To assuage his guilt? No, sorry, cheater. This petal needs to move on.”
Can you really forgive if you can’t forget?
Carrie Bradshaw: “In my experience, its’ always easy for me to move on if I’ve had my apology accepted or, in your case, accepted an apology. You know, sometimes it’s the not forgiving that holds us back.”
Or, in Carrie Bradshaw’s case, it’s the forgiving that enables disasters like Sex and the City 2.
Cut back to Fine Fine McKinley High, where Real Quinn is counseling Fake Quinn on how to wink at judges and remind them of youth.
now kiss
Then Santana busts in looking like she’s about to give Janet Jackson cunnilingus, and immediately gives Fake Quinn a proverbial bitchslap –
Santana: “That bitch is pure evil.”
Real Quinn: “I think she’s sweet.”
Santana: “Well, then why is she giving my girl laxatives?”
dun dun DUN. Turns out Santana went through Marley-Kate’s bag and found the laxatives, which’ll come in handy if Marley-Kate ever eats anything again, ever.
sorry, no, i’m not a sheep and therefore declined to participate in “everybody wear red” day
Santana: “Your pretty little liar gave them to her, I can sense it thanks to my psychic Mexican third eye.”
OMG, PLL REFERENCE!
Real Quinn: “See, this is what my psych professor calls projecting. You’re projecting Kitty onto me. Santana, we’ve graduated, it’s really time to get over this?”
Santana: “Get over what?”
Real Quinn: “You being jealous of me.”
Santana: “And why would I be jealous of you? And please don’t tell me because you’re in some lame Nazi sorority.”
Because you can always count on Santana to never flinch and always dish it out. Har.
hello quinn, this is what we call lesbian executive realness
Real Quinn: “Look, homecoming weekend, I went to Jodie Foster’s clambake, and that professor that I was talking about earlier? Well, he’s 35, smokes a pipe. Well, he’s divorcing his wife who hasn’t touched him for three years. I’m dating him.”
WHAT? Real Quinn went to Jodie Foster’s clambake? That’s so lame!
You know what would make Jodie Foster’s clambake AWESOME, though?
much better
Santana: “Wow, Twitter update! Quinn is so excited about another guy defining her life!”
Real Quinn: “And what are you excited about? Shaking pom-poms in Kentucky? I mean, you want everybody to think that you’re such a badass, but really you’re just a scared little girl with low self-esteem who’s too frightened to chase her dreams.”
Santana: “Did Professor Patches teach you that one in between quickies on his office couch? Does he get so turned on by teen moms who barely visit their kid?”
Then Quinn slaps Santana and then Santana slaps Quinn!
and then shit got dark
And then Brittany shows up, confused at why they’re having sex without her!
wait gimme a sec and i’ll take off my shirt too!
Sidenote; what the fuck is Quinn talking about? She’s reaching, it feels like empty insults for insults sake. Which isn’t to say it wasn’t entertaining, but um, going to college on a cheerleading scholarship is pretty awesome. So.
Smear to the auditorium, where Ryder Bieber-Strong is clomping around like a horse on crystal meth, practicing for his big debut as a go-go boy at Babylon.
dude how did you get those pecs
They have a super gay conversation about how you have to “just let yourself go” to get into Gangham Style and New Puck lets on that he’s actually a really good dancer who takes ballet and just let Ryder Bieber-Strong have the dance solo because of Marley-Kate. Ryder Bieber-Strong isn’t so sure this is a good idea but New Puck promises to teach him to dance! First step?
watching one direction
Becoming the ten billionth viewer of the “Gangham Style” music video.
Then we sashay back to the Easterly Coast to the Barbie Dreamhouse Bushwick Loft, where Geyerdean’s making The New Rachel sexually molest a turkey even though she’s’ s vegetarian and also a human being.
let’s just order a pizza
The New Rachel starts waxing poetic about her first sectionals, which segues us neatly into Sad Marley-Kate giving herself a mirror pep talk about how she looks good and her voice is strong.
Sad Marley-Kate: “It’s time to make a little girl’s dream come true. I’m so hungry, but at least my dress fits.”
Sad Marley-Kate pops a tic-tac and pops into the hallway, where she spots Unique in a dress, looking good with a strong voice. Yay! Also, though, Unique is still referring to herself in third person which is almost as insufferable as the fact that her name is Unique.
Unique: “She is ready for her close-up!”
[She’s talking about herself!]
she is almost ready to stop referring to herself in third person
Apparently Unique’s parents have had a change-of-heart and at least allowed their daughter to present as female when performing:
Unique: “They’re trying to protect me. But what they need to understand is if I’m not being true to myself at least when I’m performing, then there won’t be anything left inside me to protect. So they can keep talking about sending me to a camp for little boys who like to wear dresses, but I will not and cannot be ashamed of who I am, or how I look.”
Sad Marley-Kate: “You look beautiful. I think it’s inspiring how brave and proud you are. I wish I was more like that.”
Aw. I like Unique’s strength, too.
Anyhow, thus we segue into a “group prayer” because whatever, it’s Finn, and Teen Jesus leads them in some psalm or something that my girlfriend says is wrong in some way, like the words he’s saying aren’t the verse he said he was gonna say or something? IDK, I’m a Jew, somebody burn a bush for me and I’ll tell you what it means. Also look, Darren Criss is there!
Baruch atah Adonai elohaynu melech ha’olam asher kidshanu bemitzvotav vetzivanu l’hadlik ner shel Sectionals
Just as the children have almost touched Jesus’s dimples with their lips, the Holiday Vegetable Loaf in the corner lumbers to life to deliver a spirited speech in the style of Bloaty The Gravy Clown:
Finn: “This is our house. Look into the faces of these graduates. They’ve been to the mountaintop. This is just the first step in your climb to meet them there.”
Oh gross. Now Sad Marley-Kate and pretty much the entire Glee Club wanna hurl. I mean, cheer!
this is also how all our editorial meetings end
The Warblers proceed to submerge my entire body in yogurt, free wild monkeys from cages, and permit said monkeys to chew away my earlobes while playing a capella versions of crappy pop songs I’ve never heard before and hopefully will never hear again.
gahhhh
I can’t talk about it.
So we cut on back to New York, New York, home of DJ Carlytron, The New York Yankees and Bring It On: The Musical, where The New Rachel and Kurt are talking about their holiday music feelings and missing Ohio in whispery voices even though Geyerdean’s like, two feet away, which isn’t realistic because in an actual affordable New York city loft, there wouldn’t even be a kitchen, it’d just be a bucket next to an icebox, and then everybody would get shot in the face and die.
Anyhoo, just as Tommy The Turkey is ready for Geyerdean to eat the whole thing, there’s a knock at the door!
omg it’s julie newmar!
The staff of Lucky Chengs has descended upon the Barbie Dreamhouse Bushwick Loft Orphan Thanskgiving Party, and they’re fabulous! Carrie Bradshaw told them about it. Probably in her column.
please tell me there are doritos at this party
Just then, Carrie Bradshaw finally gets in touch with Kurt as she is emerging from the Montrose L delivering this super melodramatic Carrie Bradshaw-meets-Miranda-Priestly-meets-Parker-Posey-in-Party-Girl speech about heels and the train and the rain, which falls mainly on the plain. [ETA: This monologue is from the Scisssor Sisters song they’re about to mash up]
“So maybe it won’t look like you thought it would in high school, but it’s important to remember that love is possible. Anything is possible. This is New York. “
Her monologue leads her directly to Kurt’s Orphan Thanksgiving Party and thus we enter into the gayest thing to happen on Glee since the episode where everybody wore flannel the entire time — a mashup of “Turkey Lurkey” and “Let’s Have a Kiki” starring a bunch of drag queens and other New Yorkers and it’s just glorious!
It’s super fun and campy and it’s cool to see The New Rachel and Kurt having fun and being happy!
Cut back through Pennsylvania back to the fabulous state of Ohio, the heartland of America, where Mr. Schuester is dipping in to catch the New Directions taking a New Direction towards Sucktown under the supervision of Finn Tater-Tot Hudson.
this is the way is the way we watch glee
We’re then treated to this year’s Gag Band, The Mennonites, because they’re the only group this show can mock without offending anybody because Mennonites don’t have electricity and therefore can’t watch television and be offended.
breaking mennonites
Backstage, Blaine’s thinking about his hair when Kurt pops up on his mobile ’cause they just had a Kiki and now Kurt has feelings.
should probably say “do not answer it will only make you sad”
Kurt: “Look, you… you’ve said you’re sorry a million times. And I believe you. And I’m trying to forgive you, but I’m just not there yet. But, it’s Thanksgiving and it’s sectionals, and I miss you like crazy. and i can’t stand not talking to you even though I’m mad at you. Because you’re still my best friend.”
Blaine: “You’re mine, too.”
Kurt: “At Christmas, we need to have a mature heart-to-heart, and maybe if it’s cold enough we can go ice skating on the Auglaize River and get hot chocolate anywhere besides the Lima Bean because when I was working there I saw a mouse.”
somewhere out there
By the way I was obviously tearing up by this point.
Blaine: [laughs] “So, uh, we’re really gonna see each other at Christmas?”
Kurt: “Yeah… [emotional pause] well, don’t let any of those hideous Warblers win, alright? Break a leg. Happy Thanksgiving.”
Blaine: “Happy Thanksgiving, Kurt I love you so much.”
Kurt: “I love you, too.”
AW! I hope they get back together, it makes me feel excited for little gayboys out there in the world who want somebody to look up to. Speaking of getting back together, Santana and Brittany, anyone? Anyhow, Carrie Bradshaw gives Kurt a big hug since they’re totes besties having a Kiki.
bffs forever
Next up, The New Directions, starring Sad Sad Marley-Kate and The Thunder Down Under! But Sad Marley-Kate’s not feeling well and New Puck can tell because he’s got eyeballs. Two of ’em!
are there little birdies in the lightbulbs?
Marley’s shaking and weak and she tells New Puck that she’s sweating even though it isn’t hot, and New Puck tells her that she can do it, but before he gets to the heart of the matter, Ryder interrupts to ask if New Puck can take the dance lead.
dude how many times do i have to tell you that i’m not gay
New Puck tells Sad Marley-Kate that she’s gonna “kill this” which’s foreshadowing and anyhow, let’s cut to the weirdest performance ever!
Then Marley starts hallucinating and then she falls over and dies. Just kidding, I checked imdb, she’ll be fine! Stay tuned ’til next week, when Sam and Brittany get together, thus breaking all of our lesbian hearts in a permanent way!
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No Brittana? Have I mentioned I hate Ryan Murphy? Also, if he mysteriously dies, you shouldn’t come looking for me, but I’d be suspicious of me too.
Okay so they gotta quit it with the eating disorder storyline. Or at least, I don’t think it’s presented as awful enough. SERIOUSLY. If it goes on for more than an episode without somebody being like “okay we’re gonna help now” it may be more realistic, yeah, but I think it’s irresponsible to little kids who might be like “Marley is so great and wants to be skinny and doesn’t eat I can do that too.”
Also I’m still confused as to why a couple episodes ago Marley’s mom was like ‘we’re gonna go on a strict new diet together!” No, honey, uhuh. Don’t make your very slender daughter go on a ‘strict’ diet. More fruits and vegetables and whatever, maybe, but it doesn’t look like she’s in any point where she needs to restrict her calories. Maybe INCREASE them, actually. merrrrrr.
I just get mad when parents give their teenagers body issues. Mine were pretty good at that.
Wait are they actually competing in sectionals on Thanksgiving Day? That makes no sense.
they explained it as “everyone will be home for the holidays and can go see sectionals!” which makes no sense, but i appreciated their weak attempt to explain it
Honey, Glee left Sensetown 3 seasons ago…
The excitement I experienced when I saw Carrie Bradshaw delivering the beginning monologue of Let’s Have a Kiki. I can’t even explain it.
SHANGELA
Re: dyke-a-like photo caption: I always called it doppelbanging.
Lets have a Kiki was stuck in my head all day.
my favorite part of this recap was the reference to dj carlytron
Wait, Quinn really said she “went to Jodie Foster’s clambake” and now she’s dating a professor who’s a MAN? Yeah, right. I can read subtext and I’m not stupid.
Every time I try to leave it sucks me right back in. To try and quit glee I have read the list of glee inconsistencies three times.
http://glee.wikia.com/wiki/List_of_Things_With_Little/No_Continuity
omg this list is so satisfying
Really? I felt like weeping after reading through this.
I was all excited for Turkey Lurkey, but it wasn’t Camp and it just disappointed me…
Ok, I’m going to say it. Why is it ok to make fun of Finn almost constantly through jabs about his weight/appearance? Is it because he’s a man? Because his character is annoying? Because he is a character and not a real person? News flash, there is a real person playing that role. A real person who probably has feelings. His body is not part of the Finn costume he puts on. It’s beside the point that he looks like he’s at a perfectly healthy weight to me; even if he wasn’t, we are an accepting and loving community when it is a member of our community being, so can we please extend the same respect to those outside our community? I love gleecaps but I find the constant harping on Finn’s weight/physical appearance to be offensive. It seems so hypocritical.
…we make fun of finn because he’s a douche, not because of how he looks — i mean, yeah, hypothetically it would be different to make fun of a man b/c he’s a man and therefore there’s a power differential there, historically male criticism of female appearance has been used to oppress women and [insert the entire history of the world here] — but that’s not even relevant here, because i’ve never made fun of finn’s appearance. i mean, he’s a good-looking guy! he doesn’t look like gnocchi or any other kind of potato product. i feel like the words i use to describe him are words never used to describe human beings. also, i’m unsure what you’re referring to re: finn’s weight? finn is thin. he’s tall, but his body size is “small.” maybe you see something i don’t see? and regardless of historically oppressive paradigms between men/women, I’d never make fun of any person of any gender for their body size, because of the historically oppressive paradigms between thin people and not-thin people.
I suppose I’ve always pictured the potato comments as looks-wise, not personality-wise. Plus all the comments about him eating lots and eating ridiculous things seem body-image critical to me. But it looks like I’ve been misinterpreting your comments. I’m glad. I fully rescind my criticism.
In defense of Finn hating, I think most of the insults are meant as personality insults, because Finn as a character really does have the personality of a potato. Also, it’s funny because it’s hyperbole because Cory Monteith is definitely not overweight.
yes, this
I don’t even know why being called a potato is such an insult. Why does potato have to equal boring? I mean, just look at the range of potato-related quips Riese has managed to make throughout these recaps; you’ve got to admit, it’s an amazingly versatile vegetable.
also, the tater tot wearing a cardigan
i think the potato thing is strangely uncomfortable because its historically been used as a derogatory term for someone who’s Irish.
The original cast reuniting only makes the new kids look worse. Also, my reasons to watch have dwindled to Naya Rivera and she’s not even on anymore. I HAVE TO QUIT THIS SHOW.
This is what I don’t understand why did they bring back the old cast and put them next to the new ones? Even making the original cast’s interactions focus largely on the new kid’s problems didn’t make me care about them. The only thing it did was make me miss the old cast and feel like they were being wasted.
My barely watches Glee, but she watched this episode and even she said. “Wow, I miss the old cast.”
WWQFD? is actually a really, really good question, since it changes drastically depending on the episode.
Hahaha burn.
I really liked this episode? but maybe it’s just my love of naya rivera resurfacing. bc looking back the only parts i enjoyed were “come see about me” and “let’s have a kiki/turkey lurkey”
that’s how i felt too, like i wasn’t mad at the episode while i was watching it, i was enjoying myself, but then when looking back to write the recap it seemed less good but i really did like those numbers
Riese didn’t hate this episode? Okay, I’ll bite and watch the damn episode. My heart gets all a-flutter seeing Quinn again, so I might as well.
ALSO: As the token obsessive Faberrian here, I feel obligated to point out that Quinn bought the train tickets for Rachel, not the other way around. IT WAS LIKE 8 EPISODES AGO, GLEE. WHO THE FUCK IS WRITING THIS SHOW!?!?
You should pay attention to Santana’s face during that conversation, because she is definitely giving Quinn a “why the fuck haven’t you gone to see your girlfriend in New York” side-eye.
I’m interpreting Santana’s digs at Quinn’s life revolving around a man as her telling Q: “We know you’re a giant gaymo, so drop the act and go rescue your woman and UHaul with lots of kittens and rainbows and bunnies.”
that’s what i thought! i was so confused and thought maybe i’d remembered it wrong. silly of me to trust glee more than my own shoddy memory! jesus christ this show
Actually… you’re right. My three reasons for liking this episode.
1) Let’s Have a Kiki. SJP is a goddess.
2) Unholy Trinity doing The Supremes.
3) Entire scene beginning with Kitty saying “Holaaa” to Santana and ending with “Quinn was always a genius slapper.”
But I guess I loved those scenes so, so much and they were evenly spaced throughout the episode, that it made up for whatever was in between.
Casual reminder that the walls of the Glee writers room are blank, whereas in every other show the walls are covered in character notes x_x
that’s telling
I have always thought Naya was hot but she looked so good in this episode and her butt was so distracting, in the best way.
Beyond that, I liked the phone call between Kurt and Blaine and most of the ny stuff especially kiki/turkey and I loved seeing Shangela. The warblers performing whistle was disgusting and I won’t even comment on the glee club’s song choice.
Okay, what am I missing with that Kiki/Turkey whatever song? I thought it was freaking horrendous and my ears were bleeding and I just wanted it to end and basically it was the worst thing ever. Is it a gay thing? Am I not gay enough? I’M PRETTY GAY.
Gangham style: are you kidding me, show?
Re: Rachel Berry. Where has she gone? I feel like we’re just watching Lea Michele hang out in New York.
WHO COOKS A GIANT TURKEY FOR ONE PERSON TO EAT. That is the stupidest thing. Ffs.
But I liked the Quinn and Santana and Klaine phone convo, so whatevs.
Thanks for the recap! Marley-Kate Olsen made me lol irl.
It is very true that I feel like we are watching Lea Michele and Kurt in NYC.
It was good seeing the old cast again, even though it seems like the writers have no idea what to do with them. I really liked the Kiki/Turkey Lurkey mash-up, and the Kurt/Blaine phone call made me tear up. A decent episode overall but after reading several recaps it makes me wonder if anyone at all cares about the new cast members. I know I don’t.
Before I comment on any character criticisms, I first want to say… I LOVED THIS EPISODE. IDC! IDC! IDC! \(^_^)/
My only character complaint is Quinn.
So happy she finally appeared, but she’s still slightly deranged. Yale or a Jodi Foster clambake (reallllyy?? lezbehonest) or being tapped into an exclusive Nazi sorority didn’t seem to stop the crazy train either.
She needs friends. I would say she needs Rachel, but Rachel idolized her too much to be effective. I honestly think Santana is the only one to fix her. And oddly enough, Quinn’s ambitions might have a good influence on Santana. They need to get over the BS and be friends because they both need it.
or girlfriends, because they both need it (and by it I mean scissoring)
Not promoting violence or anything but if Glee wanted to include more slapfights between Santana and Quinn, I wouldn’t hate that.
Tina – only allowed to have solos when they’re Korean pop songs.
what
Yep, noticed that.
Relevant gif set is relevant
Racism aside, that was also the worst group song I’ve ever seen Glee do.
TRUTH.
“Just then, Carrie Bradshaw finally gets in touch with Kurt as she is emerging from the Montrose L delivering this super melodramatic Carrie Bradshaw-meets-Miranda-Priestly-meets-Parker-Posey-in-Party-Girl speech about heels and the train and the rain, which falls mainly on the plain.”
Hey Riese, I thought it was kind of drab too, but… the monologue is almost verbatim from the Scissor Sisters song. Glee actually cut it short. It goes on forever…
This episode makes one thing ABUNDANTLY CLEAR. I need to start a lesbian band and call it Jodie Foster’s Clam Bake.
FTR, Mennonites do have electricity and sometimes watch television (but likely not Glee). They also have phones and cars. It’s Amish who don’t have those things.
yeah i knew that about the amish, i thought the mennonites were similar in that regard but i might be thinking of the shakers. whoops!
can someone please tell me why the rollover caption on marley’s mom reads “sylvia plath” i feel like i’m missing something?
My brain was here and also like 90% asleep: incorrectsylviaplathquotes.tumblr.com
ha ha ha that is so brilliant!!
I don’t want to have a Kiki. *shudders*
Seriously, the only reason I still watch this show is so my roommate and I can make fun of it together and then come over and read the most hilarious recaps ever. Love the column!
OH God I can’t. Glee the show where we fight for the bullied people while spouting racism from the blond bisexual and try to erase every minority voice until we need them to do something bad to make the white actress look good.
Also what’s with not addressing sam and Mercedes relationship yet pushing so hard for sam and Britney? Did we just forget about relationship because it’s Mercedes and apparently no one cares?
One last thing why was Marley such the focused of this episode? Tina was singing the lead and we got nothing from her.I don’t remember ever, when they had sections that weren’t centered around on the lead singer (i.e Rachel.) And damn in Tina they were suppose to give you more but it seems they treat you same onnly now they make jokes how they treat you the same. Maybe you should pull a rachel but since you are a WOC you’ll be demonized and called selfish.Not ambitious…. Uggghh Why do I watch this show?
THIS to everything you said.