Welcome to episode 302 of Glee, “I Am Unicorn.” It’s like “I Am Woman” except you take out all the women and replace them with unicorns. Speaking of women, I am a woman and writing this recap is apparently like sitting on a bed of plastic forks, otherwise I would’ve finished it 30 years ago. Actually it’s like recapping a rock or a tree. Hey tree. What’s up. Leaves are changing, I see. Just like they do EVERY SEASON.Â
hehehehe i'm a tree hehe
This week’s episode is entitled “Me and My Hag” and, just like all the storylines from this godforsaken shitshow, this week’s plot is based on the true story of Ryan Murphy’s adolescence, starring Chris Colfer as Young Ryan Murphy and Lea Michele as His Hag. You know gay men love their divas!
Speaking of divas, lemme just get this off my chest — I have approximately 46 counterproductive feelings about this imaginary production of West Side Story. See I love West Side Story. It was the first Broadway show I ever saw (it was on tour) and subsequently any time anyone in the Detroit Metro area was putting on West Side Story — be it community theater, a band of traveling kittens or a junior high school — I WAS THERE. I’ve also seen the movie 678 times. Probs this originated ’cause my name is Marie and for most of my childhood adults enjoyed singing “Maria, I just met a girl named Maria!” to me so I asked my Dad what all the fuss was about and he took me to the Masonic Temple. Google it.
Right, so! DIVAS. Are we really going to have to suffer through a Diva-Off next week? Because I get it, I get it — Mercedes needs more solos, many argue she’s a better singer than Rachel. But recycling that plot all over again over West Side Story is just lazy. Mercedes is Anita and everybody knows it.
In fact, let me just cast this motherfucker so I can move on:
Rachel – Maria
Mercedes – Anita
Blaine – Tony
Santana – Bernardo (I’m serious. Think about it!)
Quinn – Velma
Brittany – Graziella
Puck – Riff
Kurt – Chino
Finn – Officer Krupke
Mike – Pepe
Tina – Rosalia
Actually you know what’d be really subversive? Having Kurt play Anybodys.
Anyhow YOU’RE WELCOME GLEE. No need for auditions.
We open with Brittany offering her student council president campaign management services to Kurt, whose outfit suggests an ambitiously ornithological preparation for autumn and/or civil war.
tomorrow belongs to me
She explains that Kurt is a unicorn, because he’s magical and isn’t afraid to show it, and she’s popular and has slept with a lot of people. So together it’s a dream team, like Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen.
Brittany: “No, okay, no, the point is, a unicorn is somebody who knows they’re magical and isn’t afraid to show it. You went through hell last year, and you never forgot how special you were. And I slept with a lot of people and I’m really popular so I think I can get you mega-votes.”
never underestimate the power of the slut vote
“Big news,” Will says as he enters The Glee Room. “Big news” is his standard greeting now, the children have learned not to trust his assessment of the news. When Osama Bin Laaden got shot, Will started yelling BIG NEWS from the Teacher’s Lounge and for the finale just screamed BIG NEWS until everybody’s eardrums broke and they all died.  True story.
i was hoping he was gonna write something about being bootylicious
In preparation for nationals, at which point they’ll disregard everything they did all season and perform a brand new song/dance Finn wrote the night before using magnetic poetry, Will’s launching “Booty Camp” to teach the chitlins to dance better. He saw Dancing With the Stars last night and figured if Nancy Grace can do it, Finn can do it, just like in Footloose.Â
kevin bacon as mike chang and chris penn as finn
Vocal Adrenaline lost their coach and, like Ursula in The Little Mermaid, took everybody’s voices with her. So now New Directions has a “real shot at [Nationals]” as long as Finn and Rachel can keep their tongues in their own mouths and Blaine keeps wearing this bowtie:
to kurt and blaine, "booty camp" implied something else entirely
Here’s hoping hijinks will ensue and nobody will remember last time Will created Dance Camp and Rachel broke her nose. Â Will’s giving up directing West Side Story in order to focus on Nationals, which luckily is the only thing he ever talks about so I think he’ll have no trouble focusing. He’s passed the directorial reigns to Artie and these two sterling women:
comedy of errors
Sure! Why not?
Lest we dwell excessively on existing characters and storylines, let’s bring back another Broadway Buddy and in her honor, dig up whatever nonsensical plot justified her inclusion the first time! Â Maureen FromRent is back!
boys, girls, i can't help it baby
MoMo Shelby explains that her return is ostensibly because Al Motta so desperately wants his daughter Sugar to shine in show choir that he donated a chunk of cash to the school in exchange for yet ANOTHER Show Choir, directed by an Esteemed Show Choir Director, in which Sugar could be a star.
this will turn out to be a milli vanilli situation
But Shelby’s not just there to auto-tune sugar, she’s there for her own baby-mama-drama. In fact she spends the rest of the episode trotting around the school having feelings. She’s like this purple tamale of sassy maternal flavor explosion. Bitch gets DARK.
As much as Quinn’s relationship with Puck Jr completely fascinates my stuffed animals, as far as parentage goes, I think we’re all way more curious about Rachel’s gay Dads than we are about all this teenaged offspring.
At this point, I’m basically envisioning Rachel’s parents look like this:
Or this:
Or this:
And I’ve got absolutely no way to shatter these stereotypes if I’m not given something else to work with.
Over at the Sanctuary of Skank, our favorite Hot Topic customers are giving whirlies to Matilda in order to steal her lunch money, which is so 1988. Seriously, Quinn has never looked better. The best part about New Quinn is that she’s exactly like Old Quinn, just with a less enthusiastic voice and a different outfit.
Al Motta paid good money for that toilet paper
Sue Sylvester busts up the punk pretty party to hornswaggle New Quinn into Sue’s anti-arts anti-Will agenda, because that’s what Sue does. She roams the halls like a fierce dinosaur hungry for a carrot, finding fucks to give and then hurling them upon other people.
Quinn: “You have no power over me anymore. Because I’ve got nothing to lose.”
But Sue looks at New Quinn and sees her Very Own Joe the Plumber.
they should have a staring contest
Overlooking the fact that Quinn’s outfit and bedazzled denim vest is its own work of art, Sue’s got Quinn in mind for a tearjerking heartbreaking move-of-the-week about how The Arts destroy lives, seeing as Glee Club is responsible for Quinn losing her boyfriend and other assorted tragedies.
Sue: “You’ve never looked worse. You’ve lost your child, your boyfriend, your rep and worse, your high pony. You know who I blame? The Glee Club.”
Quinn says she’s got a few demands, including but not limited to installing a sofa under the bleachers for recovery from that heady post-cigarette feeling so many rebel teenagers enjoy.  I say “including but not limited to” because Quinn says she has ‘a few’ demands, but only says one of them. Ultimately, this isn’t the first time Glee’s had problems with math.
you know manic panic rinses out after 24 shampoos, right?
Sue says it’s a deal, and then swipes Quinn’s nerd-extracted cash from the sink ledge where it is so vulnerably perched. Quinn is apparently too cool to try and stop Sue from stealing. She just stands there and watches her money get taken away. JUST LIKE SHE DID WITH HER BABY.
Over at campaign HQ, Brittany, wearing a unicorn horn I hope she never takes off, has raided Fire Island and presents Kurt with a Gaysplosion of Gay McGayerson Gay Gay. It’s adorable, really — Brit’s eager to please, Kurt’s excessively self-conscious — it’s a great scene.
So Brit-Brit’s got posters…
what this means is that brittany donates to the hrc, did a no h8 pic and an "it gets better" video and is therefore girlfriends with santana lopez.
… and even “gift bags” for the peons which she calls “Kurt Hummel’s bulging pink fun sacks” which frankly makes me think of blue balls, except pink, because he’s gay, so it’s “pink balls,” although the first time I ever heard of “blue balls” it was from a gay guy and then already, here we are talking about nutsacks on this LESBIAN WEBSITE which is absolutely inexcusable.
brittany is gonna be so fucking fierce at pride with her girlfriend
I gotta hand it to Brittany. There’s not a mean bone in that incredible body, she loves everyone for exactly who they are and is newly shocked every time to discover others don’t feel the same way about themselves. If we could see the world through Brittany’s eyes…
if i nail santana with this unicorn horn, it's not cheating
Kurt, whose sailor hat would lose a regatta to Brittany’s horn any day, isn’t ecstatic:
Kurt: “You know I appreciate your enthusiasm but you know, it’s just all wrong — I think it’s just you know a tad too–”
Brittany: “Unicorn?”
Kurt: “Gay. I feel like I might as well have a big neon sign behind me that says gaygiddygaygiddygagaygaygay.”
Really? That can be arranged …
Kurt’s got a better idea that will alienate everyone under the age of 75 at McKinley High:
You know what this poster says, dontcha?
Brittany in her glorious innocence doesn’t grasp what’s wrong with seeming gay, which means:
1. Gay history should be taught in school
2. Kurt remains both comfortable with himself and his choices while carrying a stomachfull of internalized self-loathing about how he’s perceived by his more masculine peers.
3. Brittany is a unicorn. Or maybe a bi-acorn?
4. Brittany and Santana Should Be Together
Quinn, wearing a bandana indicative either of lesbianism or gang affiliation, is dragged to The Shelby Room for a chit-chat with Shelbykins.
can i borrow your shirt
It’s time for a teachable moment, ladies! If you get pregnant as a teenager and feel you’re unable to care for your child properly at that point in your life and therefore give it up for adoption to a loving family who wants a child of their own, then you will forever be haunted by nightmares of your lost child. These nightmares will look like Anne Geddes calendars:
Shelby is many things — a singer, a dancer, the Wicked Witch of the West — but more than all of that, she is a woman with a baby. Midway through La Vie Boheme, Shelby realized Beth could be taking her first baby steps that very minute and fuck me with a corncob if the nanny gets to see that and Shelby does not.
Shelby: “I missed so many firsts in Rachel’s life, I’m not gonna do that with Beth.”
This’d be an ideal moment for the baby to crawl out of a desk drawer and say “show choir,” but nobody listens to my ideas.
I'll show you what shoes to wear! How to fix your hair! Everything it really counts to be popular
Thus Shelby jumped at the chance to leave her dreams behind and take this part-time job and be in close proximity to all of her uterus-related situations.
Shelby: “Look since the day I gave Rachel up for adoption I have been walking through life searching everywhere for her face, imagining what she’s doing, what she may be like — I don’t want you to go through what I went through.”
and nobody, i tell you nobody, puts baby in a motherfucking corner
Shelby says she wants Quinn in Beth’s life but not with that haircut. Quinn responds by talking crazy:
Quinn: “You think you can tell me what to do just because you signed a few papers? You’re not her mom. I’m her mom. That is something you are never going to be.”
Maybe Quinn feels guilty, really, for everything she could’ve done but didn’t do, and this becomes just another one of those things — another squandered opportunity, or unfulfilled potential. Maybe she’s just so fucking angry that it feels sensical to say ridiculous shit like this.
It seems unlikely this could truly be about the baby, despite Shelby’s insistence that it is. But Quinn deals with guilt/self-doubt/loss by insulting people and getting pissed/irrational. That’s not new.
Some bizarre camerawork/wind-whipping noises introduces us to Booty Camp and Mike Chang’s significant arm muscles, which are leading the pack of ragamuffins learning to dance. Mercedes isn’t having it, she’d rather “park and bark,” which means she wants to sing while people dance around her. Again, what do I do with that?
i wanna live forever i wanna know how to fly FAME
Kurt hears it while doing “the grapevine” that Blaine was planning on auditioning for Tony as well, which Kurt passive-aggressively reacts to, and Blaine, because he is so perfect he’s verging on doormat, backs down, which is fine, because I’m not at all invested in how spectacular Blaine would be as Tony.
kurt has yet to realize that teamwork makes a dream work
At last, Shelby’s lifetime of street-wandering and thinking-about-Rachel’s-face has paid off ’cause she found the piano and the high-strung daughter doing scales next to it wearing a doll’s dress adapted for a grownup body which’s so tight it just honestly screams MAMA WHO BORE ME.
i love how those buttons aren't even buttons, the mormons would totally dig this ensemble
Rachel flips, obviously, ’cause interrupting Rachel practicing for an audition, especially with some kind of emotional drama, is like interrupting RuPaul operating the Dragulator.
Rachel:Â “I almost had to go to therapy because of you.”
I’ve never been mad at Rachel Berry. Not for one single solitary minute. Shelby, making up for the years she could’ve been stage-momming the hell out of this unit, tells Rachel to do “Somewhere” for her audition rather than “I Feel Pretty.”
Shelby: “You will never be a star or get the lead if you play it safe. Try it.”
Or um, Rachel already did I Feel Pretty last season? Rachel takes the challenge and Idina is right there on backup like a champ.
Rachel kills this song, removes her knife of awesome from it, skins it, makes a fierce shrug of it and feeds the rest of it to homeless people and then she wears that shrug to the fucking banquet she hosts starring every limb and meatpiece of this triumphant song not already fed to homeless people.
somewhere there's a face for us
We swish over to Rachel’s audition, which’s fondly received by the Three Amigos:
i hope at some point coach beiste employs that whistle
Meanwhile, I’m clearly retrospectively floating on a cloud of “I Dreamed a Dream”:
Moving right along to the Quinn Fabray Afterschool special: Mother May I Sleep With Danger And Have a Baby and Then Get All Lyla Garrity On Everyone and Then Dip My Head in a Bucket of Jungle Juice at Phi Sigma Kappa and Then Blame It All on Glee Club.
Sue: “After a long day of snorting Splenda and cutting class, she kills the pain the only way she knows how — smoking cornstarch.”
the outsiders: the lady edition
Sue then leads Quinn into Will’s office for a throwdown, wherein Will locates his balls, extracts them from his Dockers, and launches into perhaps his most triumphant moment of all time (Becky agrees with me):
Will: “Miss Fabray, wait. You know there’s only one person in this world that you care about. And that’s yourself.”
Quinn: [interrupting] “You have no idea –”
Will: “I’M NOT FINISHED! You’re not a little girl anymore, Quinn. How long do you plan on playing the victim card? Since day one you have done nothing but sabotage the glee club that has been there for you over and over again. When you got pregnant. When your parents kicked you out. Mercedes even let you live in her house. And I don’t recall ever hearing so much as a thank you, so now you’re a trainwreck, well congratulations. But you stride into my office and tell me it’s my fault? Well then. I have something to say to you: Grow Up.”
HOT DIGGITY DAMN.
My concerns about an additional unnecessary YouTube related subplot are squashed when Sue says her camera wasn’t on. Still.
Back in whatthefuckeversville, Puck stops by Shelby’s place to see his baby waa waa waa. Waa waa babbybababybaby waa waa. No really I like babies and hope to have one eventually as soon as I get my own eating and sleeping schedule under control, but seriously raise your hand if you care about this storyline. Now light your lighter, because everyone’s got their hands up and it’s time to ballad.
beth, i am your father
Kurt’s auditioning for the romantic male lead by hopping around a play structure like Curious George Goes To the Olympics while singing a song from Funny Girl about being the biggest star in the whole wide world. It’s spectacular but also entirely irrelevant to the role he’s auditioning for.
and this is how kurt snagged the lead role in jumanji
Perhaps he’s just attempting to prove his skills at this:
Or this?
Or maybe this?
Regardless it’s an A+ audition for Funny Girl.
Puck, ’cause he’s too dumb to grasp the depths of Quinn’s ability to shock him, shock him, shock him with her deviant behavior, pleas with Quinn to subscribe to GOOP and hold the baby and make cooing noises like in the cotton commercials.
listen, i hooked up with this girl romi and she said she could turn that dangly bit into a native feather. just say the word, novia
Puck: “You look like a Real Housewife of Reno.”
Puck says Beth will surely be messed up raised as a little chicklet in a house with a loving mother if Quinn doesn’t bestow her smoky hotness and sharp wit upon the child.
Rachel’s their top choice for Maria, but Miss Tupperware says Mercedes has “the most soulful voice” — I mean who will they pick. It will have to be a diva-off.
hey beiste, hey emma, hey artie, where's the party
Let’s talk Tony. Y’all it is presently 7:15 on Thursday PM and if I don’t finish this tonight then I am going to lie on Pablo The Neighborhood Cat until he eats my hands off and I have a good excuse not to write this recap. The thing is that Pablo is very peaceful and would never bite me. We want to start a tumblr about Pablo called pabloisintheway.tumblr.com. I’m always like “Pablo! Pablo I’m gonna run over you in my bike if you don’t move!” He’s fat, and he had fleas so he got this random haircut that looks like when you’re drunk cutting your friend’s hair, like it was in chunks? And even as it grows out, it looks more amazing, and Pablo sitting there looking at you like, “I ain’t movin’, bitch,” is like hilariously funny, which you would know if we started that tumblr.
This episode may have been spectacular, it might be my own attitude/exhaustion that’s the problem. If anyone reading this has CEO experience, please email me.
Coach Beiste: “No question, he owned that song like it was his prison bitch. My only concern is Tony’s supposed to be from the streets, an alpha gang member. I look at Kurt and I don’t believe it.”
It’s high time Kurt learns that listening in on other people talking about you is always really fucking depressing:
something's comin' alright
Artie: “Kurt may be a little delicate for Tony.”
You know what that means, right?
Kurt is extremely too gay for this:
He’s also WAAAAYYY TOO GAY for this:
And like, so gay he goes all the way past this and back to gay again, which is far too gay for this:
Following Kurt’s oppressive homosexual snooping experience, he experiences an open-air homosexual experience and I’m not talking about The Roman Baths. I’m talking about some serious collaging skills:
it screams "monogomish"
Kurt just about loses his few remaining marbles and Brittany, per always, is like “why don’t you see yourself as lovely as I see you?” and it’s because Kurt, JUST LIKE ME AND MAYBE YOU, overthinks everything and makes it all so complicated when really it’s not at all complex or deep or insurmountable — you are who you are, you get better with age and refinement, and ideally you’ll reach the age of 30 with enough self-esteem to grab your own life by the bulging pink fun sacks and ride your unicorn into the sunset.
Brittany: “I don’t know why you’re so upset. You’re special.”
Obviously her bff, Santana, who was #robbedinthisepisode, and I guess is still allegedly “not in Glee Club” ’cause of homophobic misogyny, gives her a pep talk because that’s what girl friends do for girl friends.
No but really – – Santana takes off the bitch mask and gets real with Brittany these days, and I think that means that she’s opening up — even if it’s just a little bit — to the idea of giving love, of being vulnerable, of taking love, too. These two are just fucking adorable.
Santana:Â “No look, this campaign is brilliant. And if he doesn’t get that, then he doesn’t deserve to have you as his campaign manager. There’s no one like you. You’re a genius, Brittany. You’re the unicorn.”
They’re totally scissoring. Or else using that unicorn horn as a thigh strap-on.
baby i'd let you run my campaign like a tiger
I’m glad they’re so focused on Kurt’s image and how his sexuality is incorporated into the campaign because that’s the most important part of student council — not tater tot campaigns or homecoming planning — but how you feel about your sexuality and gender identity.Â
Kurt, wearing tights and a billowy medieval jumpsuit situation, has decided to prove his “masculine power” by performing a scene from Romeo & Juliet with a really bad hairstyle, just like straight guys.
shall i compare you to a summer's day or a summer's eve
The judges can’t stop laughing and eventually Lea can’t stop laughing either, so that’s the end of that scene I was closing my eyes and screaming for the entirety of.
def better than cats
Also, once again for your reference, the manly men of West Side Story:
So here we are at the part of the recap where if I wake up on Friday morning and this shit hasn’t been published, I might never write another email again. So let’s knock this shit out, shall we?
SO UM bababy bababybbabbybyy.
Shelby: “I know what happened to you, it’s the same thing that happened to me when I gave up Rachel.”
PROJECTING.
look let's just sing take me or leave me and call it a fucking NIGHt am i right
Shelby: “First step to becoming an adult, stop punishing yourself for things you did as a child.”
Quinn sees baby on iPhone, has nice nails:
you'll let her see that hair but not my hair?
Um, Rachel and Finn are in the carshop GO GREASE LIGHTNING and Rachel thinks Finn should dream big, keeps pumping up his ego about whatever, being special, when really she should just go to NYMADHADA and find a nice boyfriend who isn’t a lesbian but might be gay. Call it “Me and My Hag.”
i know you think auto mechanics is a growth industry but nothing is easier than getting a job in the performing arts!
Finn wants to work at the autoshop and Rachel is classist.
Rachel: “You’re better than that. you may not know it but i do.”
Finn:Â “You’re the best girlfriend ever.”
Nothing like that girl from the hot tub.
Kurt and his Dad having a conversation about um, masculinity. It’s actually a kinda annoying convo only saved by Blaine’s performance at the end proving that um, gay men can play straight what is this NEWSWEEK?!
Burt: “Dude you’re gay. You’re gay. And you’re not like Rock Hudson gay, you’re really gay. You sing like Diana Ross and you dress like you own a magic chocolate factory.”
Kurt: “Why are you being so mean to me?”
Burt: “There’s nothing wrong with that, it’s who you are.”
Kurt: “If I wanna be an actor I have to pass as straight to get those big romantic roles and I want those roles. Every actor does.”
La la la la talkity talk talk.
Burt’s solution is for Kurt to write his own movies and plays, which is an even better career opportunity than simply performing in movies and plays. Maybe he can get something on the “here! network.”
Dance Dance Dance Revolution! Finn falls on his goofy ass.
Then Quinn shows up dressed like Alice in Wonderland, rejoins.
So now Quinn wants full custody GAH WHY
blow job face
Brittany admires her work, which is amaze. Kurt likes it now too and wants to hang out to plan his campaign and eat some fat-free nonsense.
this would make a really great coaster
Brittany has decided to run for student council too. This means she’ll have to sleep with everyone including Santana. SCORE!
Also she’s bisexual:
Brittany’s starting to believe in her own magic, which I think means her and Santana are riding the hobby horse.
Then Blaine kills it, eats it, and says STICK A FORK IN ME I’M DONE
kurt has to be at least a little turned on by this
The end! I wish the Brittana parts had been in the beginning when I was still young
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I’ve said it once and I’ll say it gleefully again: Jenny’s strap-on hobbyhorse (which Niki loves riding) rules all hobbyhorses talked about by Riese! I absolutely love that phrase, Riese. It’s hilarious.
Back to the show/recap. Can we seriously stop having the same situation with Kurt every single episode? Please, Ryan Murphy? We get it. He’s gay. Why must we have this Kurt-changes-himself then Kurt-accepts-his-gaymo-self every single episode? I’m not saying it’s not an important storyline. It is. Very much so. But it’s just every single episode the same general situation with Kurt.
I missed Santana this episode. I thought that the scene with Puck and the baby was pretty poignant. I expected it to be overly sugary but that scene as well as Quinn’s scene with the baby was actually quite moving.
I could not possibly agree more with this:
“Can we seriously stop having the same situation with Kurt every single episode? Please, Ryan Murphy? We get it. He’s gay. Why must we have this Kurt-changes-himself then Kurt-accepts-his-gaymo-self every single episode? I’m not saying it’s not an important storyline. It is. Very much so. But it’s just every single episode the same general situation with Kurt.”
I’m not sure that Quinn understands adoption. You can’t just get the baby back if you change your mind!
Sometimes Glee’s lack of continuity just about kills me. This whole baby thing is set upon the idea that way back when, Rachel was given up for adoption. She wasn’t. Shelby was a surrogate, okaaaaaaaaaaay? Gosh.
Blaine’s age annoys me too. He was introduced to be in the year above Kurt and all mentory and stuff… and then they’re in the same year… and now Darren’s younger? SO CONFOOS.
My favourite part was the Empire Records reference.
That said, I hate this show and I can’t figure out why I watch it anymore. It must be the cheerleaders.
I watch it to fully appreciate Riese’s recaps, tbqh.
I watch it because I’m in music school and the musical theatre girls like it. And I like musical theatre girls ;)
So when Shelby says, “When I gave up Rachel for adoption…” I started screaming, “YOU WERE A SURROGATE. OH MY FUCKING GOD.”
Is it just me or is that entire storyline incredibly offensive? Like, somehow biology will alllllllllways trump everything and YOU HAVE TO HAVE YOUR BIRTHPARENTS IN YOUR LIFE OR YOU WILL LIVE A LIFE MISSPENT.
I might be projecting a tiny bit here because I know the only way I will have children is through a) adoption or b) some nice man giving my wife and me some of his man gunk and there are courts out there that would actually give *more* rights to the man-gunk-giver than the non-birthparent and GHAHJSKFLJSHDCJNZXLUEHRSJ anyway.
Oops sorry that was supposed to be a reply to you but I am just figuring this out!
Amen. Let me just say that I really did enjoy the birth mother plot in season one, but even then I had reservations. I was really upset by the implication that a young woman raised by two male parents would necessarily feel as if her childhood were inadequate because she didn’t have a mother (cf. Rachel referring to her “lost childhood” in “Theatricality”.) But I suppressed those reservations because I felt they were particular and not necessarily generalized– that Rachel is allowed to feel longing for her birth mother, as some people do. Besides, the show offered some countering to that narrative: Shelby telling Rachel that she is her mother, but not her mom, and realizing this when Rachel tells her the story about her dads bringing her water at night. It still kind of upset me, though, that in an episode written by a gay man, it was implied that children of gay parents will feel a deep longing for a parent of a different gender.
But now– ugh. That trope is reiterated to the extreme, with none of the gloss of the first season… the implication that Quinn and especially Puck have a right to have access to their birth child is problematic, but more than that, there’s this sense that all adopted children are broken without connection to their birth parents, or that all birth mothers spend the rest of their lives longingly aching for what they lost. It’s true of some people, but it’s not a general rule. And this show (thus far) does a pretty poor job at showing that adoptive parents are, you know, actually parents. The fact that Rachel continually refers to her parents as “my two gay dads” while saying things to Shelby like “there is so much you can teach me… so much only you can teach me”, really does not help legitimize the validity of relationships between children and their adoptive parents.
I don’t know. I mean, I know people who are adopted and who have really wanted to meet their birth parents, but usually that’s within the context of wanting to understand where they come from, not feeling that their lives/relationships with their actual parents are meaningless without it. I also know people who are adopted who have no desire whatsoever to find their birth parents. It just seems like a pretty irresponsible way to handle a delicate storyline… but then, it is Glee.
she was a surrogate? i forgot/didn’t realize that! it IS very offensive to compare it to actual adoption without a disclaimer or figuring it into the equation.
i’m adopted and i find it outraging that Quinn would attempt to get her baby back. i hope Glee doesn’t write that story.
i think i’m going to have to admit glee is just another poorly written television show. and the musical choices/performances have lost my interest as well.
well, as probs indicated in the recap, i agree. the idea that rachel is lost without her birth mom and her birth mom is lots without the baby she surrogate parented/gave up for adoption — just so retro. i thought it was remarkably old-fashioned and honestly i just didn’t buy it! quinn has never cared before about her baby, and shelby’s monologue about how it was wrong to be a working mother made me upset also. there’s nothing wrong with being a stay-at-home mom or a working mom, both are good moms.
also if this custody plot actually happens i’m going to be so annoyed. especially since um, it would never work in real life and quinn and puck are unfit parents. it’s also evil.
The problem with Glee is that they let the Internet write the show, and last season everyone was up in arms like, QUINN GAVE UP HER BABY WHY DO THEY NEVER MENTION THAAAT?!. Well fuck, maybe because she GAVE IT UP, and it’s done?! Maybe she’s moved on with her life like she should? But no, it’s gotta be a plot point now.
I agree with this, but I also feel like there’s a happy medium between ignoring the traumatic experiences Quinn experienced in season one and expecting Quinn and Puck to be in contact with Beth, you know?
Yeah, that’s how I feel. I felt like the complete reset button they did on Quinn last season was completely weird. However, this whole thing where she suddenly wants to be a parent now, and thinks she has the right to take Beth away from a mom who can actually provide a good home for her – complete crap.
I feel like Beth is just a pawn in Quinn’s spiteful games, rather than Quinn’s ultimate goal. It’s too bad Glee will fail utterly at showing and exploring that kind of storyline though.
I didn’t get from that scene that they were saying there was anything wrong with being a working mom. Shelby just realized she didn’t like it, and she wanted to be with Beth more. And she’s still a working mom, just working less hours I guess? IDK, I don’t really care why she’s there as long as Idina keeps wearing those pencil skirts and singing.
This is moderately relevant, but regardless a cute, intelligent girl in a nicely edited veedeoooo –
http://www.feministfrequency.com/2011/07/tropes-vs-women-5-the-mystical-pregnancy/
“Tropes vs. Women explores the reoccurring stories, themes and representations of women in Hollywood films and TV shows.
The Mystical Pregnancy is a trope writers use to create drama and terror by invading, violating and exploiting women’s reproductive capabilities. Often these female characters have their ovaries harvested by aliens or serve as human incubators for demon spawn. Sometimes they are carrying the Messiah and other times Satan himself.”
I wouldn’t be surprised if Ryan tried to pull that one off bbbbbut this is relevant to your reply Dina —>
“The mystical pregnancy is one of the plot devices that I loathe the most because while other tropes represent women in stereotypical ways, this one hits us on a biological level. Yes some of us are physically capable of having babies but no that does not mean you get to take advantage of, and abuse, that for the sake of your story.”
I totes love (but don’t always agree with) Anita Sarkeesian.
Thank you to those who pointed it out! I kept yelling at the TV that she was a surrogate, she didn’t give anyone up. She chose to rent her womb to two fabulous gay men, and thus we have Rachel Berry.
Also, every time Will walks into the choir room and says “Big news!” it makes me think of Futurama and Professor Farnsworth always shuffling in and saying “Good news everyone!” Which makes Glee that much more hilarious.
I thought the same thing about Will’s entrance, and it makes me want to put sporks in my eyes because IT IS RUINING THE PROFESSOR’S ENTRANCE.
Christ, if Santana doesn’t do something gay in the next episode I’m going to… … …well, I’ll keep watching, but I’ll be very irritated by it.
Also, Quinn’s new look really reminds me of Gwen Stefani circa Tragic Kingdom days. Is it the pink hair? Or the fact that she sort of looks like her with her impossibly perfect features? Or the ‘fuck your face’ attitude? I don’t know or care… but I just wish it would stick around.
It’s more Return of Saturn Gwen Stefani to me, but other than that, I couldn’t agree with you more! It shall be missed.
this
ahh, i stand corrected.
Riese, your entire recap was magic. You are the unicorn. Bravo.
My friends and I have changed drinking for Glee to drinking with Glee. Our drinking game consists of two rules: drink when you’re offended and drink when you don’t care.
I had to stop half way through for fear of blacking out.
Kurt needs to stop reading Newsweek.
They’ve showed a picture of Rachel’s dads before. Like once. In season one or something.
http://glee.wikia.com/wiki/File:Rachel's_Dads.png
It was in the first episode, where they also mention that she was conceived via surrogate. The joke was that they had mixed their spermz together and Rachel thought it was just sooo romantic that to that day they didn’t know which one was her biological father, like some kind of Schrodinger’s daddy situation, where as long as they don’t know who the biological father is, they are both the biodad. (It’s a funny because one of her dads is black and one is white.)
Some genius person on a messageboard I frequent suggested Taye Diggs and Anthony Rapp should play Rachel’s dads. Then Rachel would be 100% RENT BABY.
I was just going to comment Robin Williams and Nathan Lane would be perfection but HOLY SHIT THAT IS AWESOME.
This is probably the best thing I have EVER read on the internet.
Riese, your West Side Story casting was brilliant
I apent the entire episode wondering who was going to play Anybodys…
Burt’s speech about Kurt embracing his inner-unicorn reminds me of Ramin Setoodeh’s Gay Actors: Ramin Setoodeh on How Hollywood Shuts Them Out (http://www.autostraddle.com/newsweek-publishes-more-crap-71602/). The arguments that gay actors are too gay to play straight or only gay actors should play gay is ludicrous.
They act. Their job, by its very nature, requires them to convince their audience that they are characters who are sometimes not at all similar to who they are in real life. Gay actors can play straight and vice versa.
I appreciate the tone of Burt’s speech (Be yourself, little unicorn!), but this misses the mark, especially after Ryan Murphy was openly critical about Setoodeh’s piece.
yeah i mentioned that in the recap, that newsweek story and ramin setoodeh. i was really surprised to have that conversation go down. if blaine hadn’t killed it in the last scene, i would’ve been in a hot rage.
Ehh… I agree with Burt’s dad for the moment. Kurt is too much of himself in the roles he claims everyone wants. He’s going to either accept roles where he can be himself or become a better actor… Because so far I’m not convinced. And the point of acting to is to convince the audience, not yourself. Plus there are plenty of gay men who play straight characters and straight actors who play gay characters.
For Kurt his issue isn’t his sexuality. His issue is his personality. He’s going to have the same issue someone like Zooey Deschanel has. She gets casted as the whimsical spacey hipster because that’s her. Not because she only has sex with whimsical spacey hipsters.
i agree but i think the problem with this scene is that it was his sexual orientation blamed for his inability to play straight roles, not his personality/gender presentation, which implied those things are synonymous.
I agree. But I don’t think it was implied that they are synonymous because I didn’t get that. I thought the articulation was in hetero speak, which isn’t all that articulate when it comes to discussion on anything that isn’t status-quo normative. Ryan Murphy’s idea of connecting with audiences that aren’t us? Lay-man? Idk.
Burt’s spiel on Rock Hudson was as articulate as it’s going to get.
I agree with everyone here but I feel the need to interrupt and say that as a former choir nerd and lover of musicals, I couldn’t stop screaming at the screen because everyone was talking about his gender presentation and no one was mentioning vocal ranges. Chris Colfer has a higher range than I do (I’m a contralto); he would definitely struggle with singing Tony’s part. The question of whether or not gay can play straight (and vice versa) stands on its own, but the fact that Kurt didn’t even try to transpose one of Tony’s songs into a higher key to sing at the audition, and instead sang like a soprano, was confusing to me. Music is a real thing, Glee! It has rules!
I seem to be in the minority here but I really enjoyed this episode. I guess I am used to Glee sucking so hard that any bit of good and I’m like ZOMG THIS IS THE BEST EP EVER. There was a lot I enjoyed in this one though.
Brittany Pierce is a freaking genius and I love her. And the tiny scene between her & Santana gave me all kinds of warm fuzzy Brittana feelings.
I loved Quinn in this episode. Dianna Agron does dramatic very well (aside from sometimes looking funny when she cries) and I really felt for Quinn in the scene when Shelby showed her Beth’s picture and she broke down crying. Also also also that last scene when she was all sweetness and light and then BAM – batshit fucking crazy. Brilliant. When she turns to face Puck her expression is like, serial killer. It’s amazing.
I also enjoy when Idina & Lea sing together. Their voices and their faces are both epic.
I enjoyed this ep too.
I’m in the minority with you. The Quinn/Puck/baby/Shelby story I didn’t have a problem with; I think when you give a baby up you just *might* have some unresoved feelings there. I didn’t catch the Shelby adoption mistake but that seems really sloppy. Brittany, I love just about everything about her and I liked most of the songs.
My biggest beef is with the Kurt story, it just feels like territory already covered before. And for goodness sake, enough of the Barbra songs already! Blaine’s blue polo/skinny green suspenders and pink bow tie were awful, I hope I don’t have to endure this all season.
I think the only way they can make the “diva-off” pay off is to have Mercedes take it and Rachel realize that she’s not an automatic choice. Which maybe she already did last week…I dunno. Maybe at this point I shouldn’t expect a pay-off from Glee.
I missed about 15 mins. of the ep ’cause my satellite decided that it was a good time to torture me and crap out. I want to watch the Blaine number at the end, I missed most of it. He needs to start putting his own desires ahead of Kurt’s or there’s going to be trooouuble. With a capitol T that rhymes with P that stands for pool.
Last thing-are they running for student body president or senior class president? I would check my DVR but I’m running late for a mammogram. That is probs TMI but ladies-get yer boobs checked!
Checked the DVR, they are running for senior class president.
Another thing I noticed, Mr.Motta(?)donated the purple pianos from forclosed homes in the first ep but I didn’t hear it mentioned that he gave money to New Directions. Just for the new club featuring his daughter.
I was majorly annoyed with the story, but I really enjoyed the scenes with Quinn. Even though it’s a HORRIBLE THING, I’m quite happy that Quinn’s “I’m going to look normal again and get my baby back” are drenched with very angry, bitter, manipulative tones. Like, she hasn’t suddenly woken up from a bad spell and OH LOOK I’M PERFECT AND POPULAR AGAIN. No. She’s pretty fucked up with no one to support her, so Quinn’s gonna do what Quinn’s gotta do: control everything around with no regard to the consequences.
I feel like Quinn is honestly one of the few fleshed out characters on the show, and I’m never disappointed with how Dianna acts (because we’re madly in love and going to get married and la-la-la…)
This this this. I’m constantly annoyed that Glee wants to take both Quinn and Rachel (my favorite characters who I feel have the most potential/are the most fleshed out) and ignore all the things about them that make them interesting; instead they fall back on Quinn = manipulative bitch just for the hell of it, and Rachel = selfish diva. How many times does Rachel have to apologize to Mercedes, treat her nice, and offer up her solos before everyone will stop complaining about it? How many things does Quinn have to lose in her life before anyone notices that she’s obviously got issues (when she comes back she says, “I’ll pretend I think I’m special, if I have to…” or something like that, which is kind of heartbreaking). Also, they’re both so hot so if they could just be on the show a whole bunch – like, all the time, and Finn never shows up again – I would be a much happier person.
I immediately did the fantasy casting of West Side Story when I watched the ep and I too cast Santana as Bernardo. It just works.
Quinn really doesn’t understand adoption.
lol @ the wicked idina pic.
glee gives me so much cognitive dissonance.
Quinn was giving me Halle Berry in Losing Isaiah.
At first I was pissed Santana was not in this episode and why she wasn’t auditioning for West Side Story as she is Latina and the musical has nothing to do with New Directions. But then I was happy her 30 seconds were actually quite poignant. And I was also shocked a Santana “Revenge” sub plot was not woven in. Usually when she feels wronged she gives the whole school mono or something. She’s growing!
So over Kurt. These are the facts. Women who like men tend to like men who have deeper voices and are sensitive but only beneath this exterior of “he’s my rock and I feel safe around him”. Rock Hudson had this quality. He went by Rock. Kurt doesn’t. I don’t find him believable in those roles. I agree with Burt…who is the best father ever. Write your own stories where the male lead is someone like yourself and then in 100 years kids like yourself have lead roles to aspire to. Progress takes initiative!
Um…over the diva-offs.
More Brittana please. I confess Kurt’s singing voice grates on my nerves but I love Blaine and his bow ties! I’ve never like Quinn she’s self-centered, spoiled and manipulative. She has no business having a baby, giving birth does not automatically make you fit for parenting; which we have the news to remind us of daily.
Evan if Shelby was a surrogate but she still had to give Rachel up for adoption, it is not unheard of for a surrogate to change her mind.
I read somewhere we’ll be meeting Rachel’s Dad’s eventually this season but first Mike Chang’s this week.
And lastly, can we get some Brittana please, Santana was brilliant though being there for a woman and all.
I feel the need to go watch West Side Story now and picture Santana as Tony and Brittany as Maria… Don’t judge.
Welp. There go my Quinntana convictions.
I have issues with the baby story because I had a baby and I gave up said baby because some people don’t need to be parents and I’m one of those people and Quinn is one of those people and everyone ever is like WHAT I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY YOU WOULD GIVE UP YOUR BABY BECAUSE BABIES ARE FUCKING MAGICAL AND THEY MAKE YOUR LIFE BETTER IN EVERY WAY OMG BETTER BETTER BABY BAAAAABBBBBBYYYYY and I was thinking that MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYBE there would be a positive portrayal of a person realizing they shouldn’t be a parent and then that being ok but now Quinn wants her baby back? WTF Quinn. WTF Ryan Murphy. /rant
Why do I have such a ridiculous crush on Rachel Berry?
Why?
Maybe it’s her voice and her drive. I’ll go with that.
also she is Lea Michele, and there is nothing not to love about Lea Michele.
So is Courtney Galiano’s character (one of the skanks) gonna be the “Joan Jett-esque” lesbian they promised us for Santana?
I’m just guessing, but they gave her a couple short lines and she’s a great dancer. Glee club might need a lesbian Mike Chang?
and if so they used “Joan Jett-esque” very loosely.
omg yessss pleassssssssssse!
I take what scraps I can from Glee nowadays, and that panning shot of Idina’s entrance was enough to placate me for the entire episode. #shameless
Maybe I’m projecting because I am a) adopted and b) recently back in contact with my birth family, but I have so many feelings about that storyline and pretty much none of them are good.
It’s this incoherent, jumbled mess and they seem to be clinging to the “you need your bio-parents in your life or you are all sorts of fucked up” idea, and that is an idea that I really wish didn’t get spread any more. I already have enough people asking what it’s like not to grow up with my “real parents”.
Someone once actually asked me if it was like on Glee. There was twitching.
I’m not saying it’s all sunshine and roses all the time. I have a ton of conflicting feelings regarding my adoption, and I know everyone else involved does too. I just wish shows like this would stop perpetuating harmful stereotypes that make adopted kids feel like there’s something wrong.
Ahem. I just watched the promo for Brittany’s musical number next week.
Jinkies.
*wipes sweat from brow*
I’ll be in my bunk.
Best 3×02 GLEE recap anywhere.
gosh, rebellish quinn is SO HOT. i can’t believe they already finished that “storyline” of hers. so sad. :(
I’M NOT READY YET TO MOVE ON FROM THAT HOTNESS THAT WAS PUNK!QUIN
Thing that bothered me about the Sue and Quinn storyline: “Let’s blame Glee for how it ruined your life!” I understand why Sue conveniently forgot about how she was the one who kicked Quinn out of the Cheerios for being pregnant in the first place, but why did Quinn forget that?
I feel like watching this episode just for Santana and Brittany, especially when Santana says Brittany is a unicorn. Otherwise it sounds unbearable. Kurt’s internalized homophobia leading him to talk down to Brittany? Brittany always being branded as a dumb slut? Victimized anarchist Quinn rebelling after being dumped by the horrible “hero” Finn(she’s the villain I see)? C’mon Glee! Despicable sexism is despicable.
Despite having more women on the team the Glee writers have really let themselves go. This West Side Story line is unnecessary. Bringing Shelby back is unnecessary. Bringing Beth back is bad news and not helpful for Quinn who is suffering being demonized and talked down to by almost everyone (mostly males – Will, Puck, Shelby) in this awful misogynistic show.
Rant done. I want so much for Brittany (and Santana). If only this story was in better hands
http://ryureblog.tumblr.com/post/13663455988/dont-underestimate-brittany