In the hotel lobby, Cheyenne Action Jackson tells Will “I hate my kids, I would literally whip them if I could,” and William Muffinhead says he loves his kids because he’s seen them evolve into grown men and women. He’s also seen most of them evolve into homosexuals, but that is neither here nor there.
This whole bit is related to the whole “will Will go to Broadway?” subplot to which I say: I DON’T CARE. NEXT!
Will knows what a group of sequestered coupled hormonal 17-year-olds crave — a pizza party! He’s got at least one pizza per child. I hope they intend to stay indoors because Kurt and Tina are dressed like imbeciles and PacMan cloned itself and died on Artie’s vest.
note that kurt is still dressed for battle, just a different kind of battle this time
I probably blacked out from apathy during this part but I believe they tell Will it’s okay for him to follow his heart/dream/head wherever he damn well pleases. Group hug!
“This is Nationals, People!” Will tells them. “Get out your notebooks!” THIS ISN’T CHUCKY CHEESES KIDS IT’S NATIONALS.
The Glee Club arrives at the auditorium dressed for Episode 221, “Funeral,” where they’ll compete against the other top 50 show choirs in the nation from which only ten will move on to showcase, whereupon they’ll vie for the National Championship. How do we know this? Because immediately upon arrival, Rachel squeals: “We made it. We’re one of the top 50 show choirs in the nation. Tomorrow only ten will move onto showcase where they’ll vie for the National Championship!”
Sam brought a book
In the Theater, several girls dressed like Demented/Sexy Easter BunnyAngels are singing and dancing to an Usher song. I really don’t know what to say about this little number.
When Rachel hears barfing in the bathroom she immediately suspects it’s Santana because hello, The Cheerios totally made bulimia a Thing, but it’s Sunshine Corazon, the little irrelevant ray of light who frequently pops up on our musical radar instead of Brittana.
i'm just saying if you let me do your hair for you, you'd look so much better!
Sunshine is being persecuted in America by Rachel Berry, the Communists, and the Nazis of Vocal Adreniline. They have kept her in a dungeon for days with Lafayette. She is fleeing this country for brighter shores where assholes like Rachel Berry won’t casually point her in the direction of a crackhouse and where Cheyenne “Flash” Jackson won’t be cracking the whip.
Sunshine: “When I came to your school I heard that Glee Club was where kids went when no one else would take you. A safe space. Somehow you made me the one person who didn’t feel safe there.”
Rachel realizes that she is an asshole after all — here in the city that never sleeps, everything is so clear. If Sunshine gets nervous she should look at Rachel and Rachel will heal her with a smile. I wouldn’t trust that, Sunny D, that bitch’s probs got razors up in those eyes. ALL UP IN THERE.
i told you rachel, Finn is MINE
Did you know that Charice is famous and normally looks more like this:
Then Vocal Adrenaline performs. So many shades of blue in the world!
AT LAST! The New Directions are taking the stage! What will they sing?
Will it be as fresh and surprisingly decent as their performance of “Loser Like Me”?
Will it be as sexy as just about every number in the Brittany/Britney Episode?
Will it be as emotional and tear-jerking as “Landslide“?
Will it be as funny as “Blame it On the Alcohol“?
Or as fun as “Born This Way“?
Will the scene be as massively fantastic as the scene in the mall?
…or as raunchy/playful as “Livin’ on a Prayer/ Start Me Up”?
Nope!
The number Will and he children have thrown together for the most important performance of their entire lives ranks somewhere between Gwyneth Paltrow’s edition of “Turning Tables” and “Don’t Stop” (the one with all the children on stage). It’s a stratospherically mediocre unoriginal original song — a duet between Finn and Rachel about as exciting as gumdrops floating in a cup of gin.
get a room
Oh yes, at some point Rachel and Finn kissed and the music stopped and we had this seasickish emotional camera spin-a-round which we all agree was a little bit too much lesbian action for primetime. Children are watching, and now those children are going to be GAY.
the dark we unfortunately now know well
The group number begins and despite being slightly better than what just happened, it’s still kinda dumb and doesn’t utilize the talents of anyone in the group besides Rachel. SURPRISE. So anyway, Heather Morris kills everything every single time, I think. She’s just so fucking sexy when she dances, you know? She’s so present in her body.
At the end Rachel hops up and down like a piece of popcorn in a glittery dress and they get an insane standing ovation!
In the auditorium afterwards:
Finn wants to wax nostalgic about that kiss they had back in five minutes ago, because lesbians love to re-hash old romantic memories.
Jesse swings by tosses a few zingers into Finn’s face, and Finn responds like such a dope I honestly cannot bear to watch it. Thank God Jesse St. James is just on-point enough to save the scene.
Finn says Jesse’s just jealous, “You’re jealous of what we have and what we shared with the entire audience… Yeah I’m calling it — the Superman of kisses. It came with its own cape, right Rachel?”
But before Rachel can clock him over the head for saying such an idiotic thing, the results have been posted and the children must turn to their leader.
kurt gives the boys in pink a quick gay nod
“What should we do?” they ask Will. Will, their valiant leader, makes the surprising decision that they will go look at the results. Will volunteers to read the results.
i think i'll have the pot roast
Womp womp. They’re not on the list. Jesse St. James was right. But isn’t Quinn’s hair cute? Also what was her big surprise she had planned for Nationals?
We return to Lima, where Kurt and Blaine are being the cutest gay couple in Northeastern Ohio, Blaine observing that Kurt doesn’t seem too upset for someone who just got all his hopes and dreams destroyed by a giant lesbian.
and i got these pants for 80% off at Daffy's
Kurt explains that he still got to do all his cutie-pie gayboy fancypartypantsplans while in The Big Apple and so it was fun. Cut to Kurt’s memory of Santana flipping out, which is more or less the highlight of the episode:
Even in spite of that, Kurt still feels happy they went at all and for some reason when Kurt says it was the first time he’s been on an airplane I tear up. It’s uncontrollable. Anyhow Blaine’s reaction is slightly different/similar…
OH AND THEN THIS HAPPENS:
Then it’s time to relocate to The Lockers of Truth, where Santana and Brittany will bid us goodbye for the summer. Brittany is suddenly wise, probably emotionally evolving as we speak due to her bicuriousity, and unlike Santana doesn’t think winning was the point. Santana is so desperate for some kind of public acknowledgment that she’s better at something than everybody else, it makes me want to hug her.
Santana’s gonna simmer on that for a bit but in the meantime what about “you and I” [sic]?
FINGERBLASTING INTO THE UNIVERSE
you smell like apple pie
This scene can be interpreted in several ways. I personally prefer the interpretation that when Brittany says she loves Santana more than anyone else in this world and that “anything’s possible” that means “an intense lesbian relationship is possible.” Then when Santana says “you’re my best friend,” she’s just saying “you’ll always be my best friend no matter how often we bang.” Thoughts?
Finn, like so many lesbians, upset that once again he let his feelings get in the way of triumph and glory. So he’s hiding in the library, probably in the Harry Potter section.
Listen Rachel, Finn has done the math, he’s knocked his almanacs together and come up with a rough estimate of remaining “real time” they could potentially destroy before graduating college and seemingly leaving this improbable, mis-matched relationship. Drumroll:
Finn: “Graduation’s a year away”
He asks what she’s doing ’til then and she says she’ll probably stick to the ushe — when classes end in June, she’ll stop taking classes until they start again in September, and she’ll stay in those classes for the duration of the year. Just kidding! They kiss in the library. It’s gross. I guess they’re gonna do each other.
Then everyone jumps up and down and cheers! HURRAH!
So! That’s all, folks! Season’s over and Brittany and Satana are still not together. I’m sorry. I’m gonna go have a cocktail/to the mall with my Mom. I would like to thank my beloved Intern Grace who is responsible for all the imagery you have surely been delighted by. I hope you love her as much as I do.
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Quinn’s plan was probably to get an alternative lifestyle haircut and lure all the NY gay ladies back to Lima to form a lesbian colony.
Also, it looks like Santana’s been downgraded into the friend zone, rather than friends-with-benefits zone. Gotta step up your game, gurl.
“Did anyone else grow up thinking Tiffany’s was a restaurant that served really good breakfast?”
ummm YES.
fantastic recap, riese. i especially enjoy the picture captions. maybe she knows a shortcut?
“Maybe she knows a shortcut.” I don’t know why, but I laughed very hard at that. I should’ve been reading your recaps all season long because the actual show has been a bit of a disappointment.
Also, I’m with you — why wouldn’t they just perform one of their successful past numbers? Not having the song written yet the day before? Huh? These kids are incredible for apparently never ever practicing or choreographing. I also love how Will constantly talks about songs because for regionals or whatever and THEY NEVER EVER ARE. Just stop saying it Will, we know you’re a fucking liar!
*being for regionals. Ah, typing fail.
BTW, I’ve enjoyed Brittany the past few episodes. They’ve added a wisdom in her simplicity and willingness to take life at face value. I can appreciate that a lot more than thinking babies come from storks and whatever else.
I love that Santana asked her when she got to be so smart.
I thought Quinn said she was not really “not that into that.” which while a seemingly minute difference is still a distinct one from “not into that.”
Ah, I just checked. You are correct. So is she somewhat into that, if not THAT into that? THOUGHTS ARE HAPPENING.
QUINN FABRAY BISEXUAL
(bicurious?)
* LUCY QUINN FABRAY BISEXUAL
The more names, the better.
(And yes yes yes yes please let Q rebound with a girl even if it’s Rachel)
Quinntana!
That is exactly where my brain went.
If for some reason Brittana doesn’t work out, and then Santana and Quinn are both single….Yikes. Tumblr, get ready.
Honestly, I want:
1)Santana to come to terms with who she is, be proud, come out and have a girlfriend. I’d love it to be Brittney, but I’m willing to see where it goes.
2)Brittney to continue to dance. All the time. It makes me happy.
That is all.
Tina’s reaction to Santana’s latest meltdown was priceless. She looked she was trying so hard not to laugh. As all Santana stans know, when that girl feels like she has suffered even the tiniest of hardships her immediate reaction is to have an emotional breakdown and resort to violence. It’s what makes her so fun to watch.
Firstly, I hated this episode. I’ve been ranting to my friends all week about how disappointing this show is, especially for the babygays out there. Seriously, WHO THE FUCK CARES about Finn and Rachel? No one! For a show that is supposed to be the gayest ever, why the fuck don’t Blaine and Kurt kiss after exchanging “I love you’s” when Finn gets to have the “Superman of kisses”? Why is Santana suddenly okay with being delegated to just a friend when there were so many good opportunities for her to make out with Brittany? (That bathroom scene was the biggest let-down ever, followed by Quinn’s coy rejection of some lady-kisses). This show has so much potential in changing social barriers with LGBT teens on TV, but no, they insult us by rubbing Finn’s fucking love triangle in our faces 80% of the time to the point where I didn’t even care that Mercedes finally has a boyfriend. Rage.
And, of course, the usual bullshit of them writing their own songs in a day and perfecting them. The first song was so contrite and the second one sounded like a Katy Perry reject.
Season Three – I may not indulge in you. I should just stick to these fabulous recaps and check out the Brittana scenes when (IF) they ever appear.
So. Many. Feelings.
I hated it, too. I only just recently caved in to watching the show–with all the gay stuff, I couldn’t ignore it any longer– and then they end the season with this stupid episode!
hahahahha gay nod.
also i cant think of a good mashup of sam+ mercedes…
everything ends up sounding like an ancient greek philosopher…
sarcedes? trouty tots?
Oh my god, Trouty Tots. You win at life.
Trouty Tots is officially the best shipper name in the history of shipper names.
Hm, I think my high school cafeteria used to serve those. School nutrition laws have changed a lot since then.
I want a Santana & Rachel duet.
And I like that Quinn’s humongous plans were stopped through a haircut. The writers really have no idea what to do with her character.
first of all, Riese, your Glee recaps have been the highlight of my post-Glee internets all season, because you are hilarious and I agree with the vast majority of your opinions. Thank you for writing them and I’m sure I’ll be back to reread them intermittently the same way I do every so often with your L Words.
second of all, on Tuesday I was totally bummed out about the ending, but now I think it’s kinda great. If the terms of entering an official relationship, as set by Brittany, are that Santana has to come out, then there’s still a lot of ground to explore on that.
(Besides, I’ve decided that they are totes still schtupping offcamera [sex =/= dating; “Santana needs to get up in there”; they were both missing from the “Kurt wakes Rachel” sleepy girl room scene], which is a comfort.)
ohana means family. family means nobody gets left behind. ESPECIALLY fingerblasters.
I just have one question: how do I get my hair to look like Kurt’s did in the Tiffany’s scene?
I would also like to know this. I have long hair, but I would chop it off in a second if I knew I could get it to be like his. WANT.
Since episode 2×15, basically the highlight of my life has been waiting for more Santana/Brittana each week, and then after that happens and the endorphin levels in my brain drop, I comfort myself by saying that you will put up a recap in a few days that will be even better than the episode itself. Please continue to be hilarious, love Santana, and do recaps next season.
Also the use of Alice’s “some of us are dating lesbian men” comment was perfect. I guffawed.
FINGERBLASTING INTO THE UNIVERSE
perfection
This episode was such a bad season finale. There were small parts I enjoyed, but overall it sucked. Brad Falchuk said in an interview with EW magazine that the ep they originally filmed was 20 minutes too long so they had to cut it for time. This just proves they’ve not planned anything out this whole season & had no idea WTF they were doing. If you are running a TV show, you should know how much shit you can fit into your 43 minutes, not run 20 minutes long on the SEASON FINALE and then have to cut a bunch of shit out. /rant
My favorite scenes were:
1. Unholy Trinity. I’m jumping on the Quintana bandwagon after that. I could totally see them in a friends-with-benefits “this one time at cheer camp” type scenario.
2. Kurt & Rachel singing “For Good.” I love Wicked, and they did a beautiful job with that song. Although the cuts in the middle of verses bothered me a bit. Also they seem to have broken into the Gershwin through the front door which YEAH RIGHT. Any self-respecting theater nerd knows that the way to get to play around backstage at a theater is to make friends with the doorman & pretend to care about his album of photos of himself with every celebrity that comes to the show. (Not that I’ve done this or anything…)
3. Brittana locker scene. I’m a cheeseball & Brittany’s speech about glee club being a family was making me a little misty. I don’t mind them being friend-zoned for now, I’d rather see Santana come into her own as a lesbian without it just being all about chasing after Brittany.
Oh, P.S. – Riese, there is a Bedford St. in the Village also, which is where they were in that scene. After Rachel ran off I laughed to myself thinking about how it was going to take her at least an hour to find her way back uptown. I still get lost down there & I’ve lived in NYC for 7 years.
yeah it totally looked like the village and i was like huh, Bedford?? i lived on West 12th & Bleeker for a good long while, and never noticed Bedford Street, which I think is testament to how confusing that area is. I often got out of taxi cabs and volunteered to walk home because they clearly had no idea where my little bit of west 12th street began or ended
The only reason I know is because a woman I used to cat sit for lives off of Bedford in the Village. That scene actually kind of looked like her block.
HA! Glad someone else was on the Bedford train before I got there… It’s between Varick and Bleecker I believe, near Clarkson.
Although it’s a little perplexing that they’d go from Central Park (okay) to Sardi’s (okay) then end up in the West Village… One hell of a walk, esp if they’re staying in times sq. Well played, Ava, I agree that if they were on Bedford, they’d be wandering around for two thousand years trying to figure out why West 4th intersects West 4th or West 10th or whatever.
Seriously, can this club get anymore incestuous???
How could I forget about My Cup!? Anyone who has yet to hear the full version of My Cup needs to go download it. So much naughty innuendo, it’s fabulous. I also love that Santana/Naya (because I think it was just Naya) was cracking up during that whole scene.
YES. Please listen to this if you haven’t; I mean…
Brittany:
“got you in the palm of my hand
wanna put something hot in you
so hot that you cant stand
gonna take you to my lips
empty out every last drop
so thirsty for whats in you baby
that i cant stop
in the middle of the night, im in bed all alone…”
I mean, if there wasn’t the second half of the song where the cup comes into play… that’s really the last thing I would think this song is about :P
Riese, thank you so much for all the recaps this season! I know they take a ton of time, but they were all hilarious and much appreciated!!
THANK YOU ELYSE
I Haven’t watched Glee since the Bieber episode (Bieber AND the fucked up Take Me Or Leave Me) so all I can say is this after reading the review-
-Brittany in that white pants getup- DAYUM.
-Kurt’s hair- epic
-Kurt and Blaine- dawwwwwww!
-The rest- WTF
-Consensus- still glad I’m not watching.
I can’t believe no one is commenting on the all girl show choir! It was basically the girl version of Dalton Academy! In season three, I think Santana should transfer there and it could be her Lesbian Hogwarts. She can hook up with that blonde chick that sang lead.
I thought the singers even danced like Blaine a bit. They were going hard and those dresses they wore were very lightweight. I thought we were gonna have a Britney Spears-getting-out-of-a-car situation.
Um, I was convinced that Santana had found her lesbian colony and was leaving McKinley. Perfect spinoff spot.
My roommate literally asked if I was okay I was laughing so hard at this… Truly 20x better than the episode itself.
I was expecting something worse than what they gave us with Brittana. That said, it still made my heart cold… It’s pretty obvious that what they were doing with that was trying to show us how since Santana’s confessed her love, they haven’t done anything – and so their relationship will probably never reach the “girlfriends” stage. The locker conversations… sooo hands off…. really sad. Whatever.
I blame Heather Morris’s boyfriend.
I’m SO PISSED THAT finn and rachel got to kiss twice and santana and brittany’s relationship has gone NOWHERE. come on I want some sweet lady kisses please, no more finn/rachel drama…….
UGH. I absolutely HATE how many Finn/Quinn or Finn/Rachel kisses there are in comparison to Brittana and Klaine kisses. UNFAIR. I mean, good god, who DOESN’T kiss after the first “I love you”? All Kurt and Blaine ever get to do is some very intimate hand holding and mushy looks across coffee shop tables. :\
YES. You can’t just say “I love you” and then not kiss. Does that even happen in the real world? Ridic.
Okay, I know this isn’t important but it really bothered me that the writers expected us to believe that Rachel thought that Cats was still on Broadway. I mean, girlfriend def. has an encyclopedic knowledge of Broadway esoterica; and Cats closing is like Broadway 101. I feel like that was supposed to be Brittany’s line…
Also, Kurt and Blaine need to show a little more physical affection. Like even a little cuddling would be nice. You said you loved each other, but SHOW ME HOW MUCH.
That bothered me too. And then QUINN knows, but not Rachel? Come on writers. It would’ve been much funnier & made much more sense if Brittany had bought them all tickets for Cats.
Oh LOL “five fingers allll up in there” is my favorite caption of this recap. <3
Pretty much I have my usual feelings re: caring about what happens to Kurt, Blaine, Brittany, and Santana….and that's about it. Heather Morris killing it with the dancing: check. Kurt having various amazing pompadours: check. Finn being a self-absorbed and annoying puppy following Rachel around: check. Me hating Schue's irrelevant plotlines: check. (Okay seriously singing his own just-released music from his solo cd? Ew product placement ick.)
The competition episodes are usually lame so I wasn't expecting much…especially since they started doing this original song thing WHICH I DETEST. I watch glee to watch them sing other people's songs, that's like the whole damn point!
Sometimes, Tuesday rolls around, and I don’t feel like watching Glee. But then I think to myself, “Hannah, you have to watch it. What if you need to gain a certain amount of foreknowledge to fully comprehend this week’s recap?”
And, I definitely teared up when Blaine said, “I love you”. Sooo perfect.
“Some of us have it worse. Some of us are dating lesbian men”=The new slogan of Rachel Berry.
Mother fucking God damn mother fucking God damn mother fucker!!!
They’re STILL not together!!!!
FUCK!
1. Your recaps are the highlight of my week. Seriously, 20x better than the show itself.
2. My roommate just asked if I was “okay” b/c of death by laughing.
3. My opinion on that last scene is: It wasn’t as bad as I was expecting, but basically confirms all our fears. The fact that they’ve been having all these conversations at their lockers… YES, folks, they are NOT fucking, and in fact they probably never will again. Brittany said, “I love you but not that way,” and Santana said, “I respect that, and I value our friendship more than anything else we have/had.” For all the professions of love there hasn’t been a scene between those two more glacial than that one, and though it wasn’t as bad as expected… ugh.
Then again I don’t really watch Glee. Maybe they’re just really bad scriptwriters… :/
I don’t usually comment on these, but I have to say I’m going to miss your recaps. They’re my way of justifying the fact that I still watch this crappy, but irresistibly gay show… Also, you’re the only re-capper who consistently references Spring Awakening! There should be an SA themed episode with Blaine and Kurt as Hanschen and Ernst.
Sidenote: I can’t help thinking that Rachel would have known that Cats closed over a decade ago…
“There should be an SA themed episode with Blaine and Kurt as Hanschen and Ernst.”- Yes! This! OMG! This should totally happen!
These recaps are so much better than the show itself. And I love all the True Blood references. Why don’t they do that on the show??
Heather Morris and Naya Rivera are the only reasons I have left to watch this show. Chris Colfer is even starting to wear on me…
As a menstrual cup user, my brain went somewhere very very different with “My Cup.”
Wow, I didn’t think that song could’ve been made any dirtier… but congrats.
I think Brittana’s convo at the Lockers of Truth might actually be the only part of Glee that remotely resembles high school.
Think about it.
Don’t you have someone from high school where you’re like “damn, why weren’t she and I together?” And then you realize, oh right, ’cause in high school:
Repeated Dramatic Declarations of Feelings =/= Relationship
Why didn’t Brittany just stay in NY and drink gin with me? I have a variety of cups and gin, it would have been perfect.
“The original Wicked starred, of course, April Rhodes and Rachel Berry’s biological Mom.” HAHAHA. Amazing.
I can’t believe no one has commented on Riese’s “Rent” reference.
Also, re: everything unrealistic: At this point, I am more or less convinced that the entire show is an elaborate dream Kurt is having because that’s basically the only way you could explain all the plot holes and inconsistencies.
actually everyone is dead and the show is just purgatory sort of thing where they work out unfinished business.
…..oops, wrong show!
Intern Grace: “At this point, I am more or less convinced that the entire show is an elaborate dream Kurt is having because that’s basically the only way you could explain all the plot holes and inconsistencies.”
This … this explains EVERYTHING.
Brittany’s wisdom was lessened by that reference to Artie being able to walk again. All this emphasis on him being able to walk again makes it seem like having a happy life with a disability is completely impossible.
Riese: loved the recap as ever, you are a genius.
Re the episode: I was really frustrated by the whole thing. Like everyone else seems to be, I am really sick of Finn / Rachel / Quinn, and way too much time was spent on it this ep.
I honestly thought Naya Rivera was the only one to really shine. I love Heather Morris but I didn’t feel like her heart was in Brittany’s speech to Santana at the end, whilst Naya brings it every time. Also totally pissed that the writers basically left Brittana unresolved.
I’ll still watch season 3, but I’ll probably hate myself for it.
Hilarious and brilliant recap, as always. Thanks for this, Riese!
according to fox the weather is more important than glee
so because tornadoes were heading for my house i didn’t get to watch this
i wrote them a very angry letter, which was basically
“IM GOING TO DIE NO MATTER IF YOU SHOW ME HOW BAD THE TORNADOES ARE OR NOT, BUT I WOULD LIKE TO DIE HAPPY WATCHING GLEE. BRITTANA COULD BE HAPPENING RIGHT NOW AND IM MISSING IT”
they didn’t show it on viewers voice :(
I swear to God when I saw Mercedes and Sam together I jumped up and down screaming “SHE CALLED IT! SHE CALLED IT!” Then my sister cried because I got in the way of the TV and my mum told me to sit down and shut up, but still, Riese fucking called it.
Riese, I doubt you’ll ever see this comment since I’m 3.5 months late to this party, but I cried laughing at this recap. I just want you to know that I appreciate you.