Glee 221 Recap: “Funeral”, or “Back to Black”

Well! What a doozie! I mean. Wow! JESUS CHRIST ON A CRACKER! I mean, what a FUCKING EPISODE, right?! Right guys?

Just kidding, did they make this episode just specifically to piss me off? (Sometimes I feel like Ilene Chaiken does that to me IN MY SLEEP!) Did they think “which storylines does Riese NOT GIVE TWO SHITS ABOUT, let’s ONLY DO THOSE”? I mean. And then — and THEN! — “which plot device will, inevitably, still make her eyes water, and which songs will make her heart sing, so that she feels conflicted about wasting this precious time so close to Nationals?” well if that’s what they thought then they’re wrong. I’m not conflicted.

I found this Getty Stock Image that best explains how this episode made me feel:

The good news is that my intern, her name is Grace or “Intern Grace” for short, really handled my Devil Wears American Apparel graphic-related demands this week with aplomb. Did you know that Sue Sylvester walking down the hallway looks just like Frankie walking down the hallway?

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Did you know that Sue Sylvester sometimes looks like Bette?

The more you know!

So, the show! Actually before I begin I want to say that it’s really late on Thursday, I’ve been in flight all day, am currently in Michigan a mere 3 hrs away from the Lima, Ohio Cracker Barrel, and wordpress just erased 30 minutes of work on this thing just for funsies! So I’m sorry if it’s not funny.

It’s another morning in Lima Ohio where Mr. Shu has mixed up his weekly ritual of writing on a whiteboard and then underlining it by writing the word on the whiteboard BEFORE the children arrive and NOT underlining it! This week, the word is “NATIONALS.”

Will opens by informing the children that Jesse St. James, once again wearing a homosexual outfit, has been added to Glee Club as a “consultant.” Because you know, for weeks everyone in Glee’s been sitting at home in the darkness binging on tater tots, drinking wine coolers and crying WHY DON’T WE HAVE A CONSULTANT IF ONLY WE HAD A CONSULTANT WE COULD WIN NATIONALS WHERE IS OUR GOLDEN CONSULTANT.

Regardless, clearly McKinley High is so fond of inexplicable plot devices that the kid from the other school who fucked Glee at nationals last year and got into a fist-fight at prom last week is now on payroll.

How does The Glee Club feel about this last-minute addition to their “team”?

Jesse’s big idea is that they should center the show around their strongest performer, and everyone knows it’s Blaine. Just kidding it’s Rachel. Just kidding there’s a sign-up sheet on the door. Just kidding obviously it’s gonna be rigged because Jesse is dumb/evil.

Sue wants to fly the Glee Club to Libya so they’ll be swarmed and murdered by militants, and also, she fired Becky, and now Becky wants to be in Glee and Will says no, she can’t, because Nationals is coming up and they just can’t deal with a new member right now.

I’m pretty sure Will is gonna let Becky in anyhow and I’m mentally preparing myself for the “people with Downs Syndrome can sing too!” episode which undoubtedly would end with Becky covering We R Who We R backed by a 50-piece orchestra and Cirque du Soleil trapeeze artists.

Which — to be fair — would’ve been AWESOME.

Then Becky says, “I just want to belong,” which I mean. Crack my heart open with a screwdriver.

But Will stands his ground. Hm. Well played, Will. Well played.

(What’s the purpose of this scene, then? It must be relevant to a future scene which will undoubtedly irritate the fuck out of me.)

Will goes to yell at Sue about firing Becky.

Turns out Sue fired Becky because Becky reminded Sue of her sister and Sue’s sister died. Womp Womp.

Here’s the thing about teevee episodes involving the death of an immediate family member — a sibling, a parent, a child — if you’re one of the people, as I am, who’s lost a parent/sibling/child, the episode is always about you. Grief actually isn’t that complicated, and television generally does it about as awkwardly as we do it ourselves, though more contained, sometimes. But all that benign grief is there at the surface, you know? Bette’s Dad was my dad. So was Dawson Leary’s Dad, and Miranda’s Mom, and Nate/David/Claire Fisher’s Dad…. it actually doesn’t even need to be good to make you feel sad!

But also — I came here for Brittana.

So are you following? So far the girl with Downs Syndrome has been fired by Sue Sylvester and summarily rejected from Glee Club. Finn has upset Quinn with his love for Rachel and Jesse has upset Finn with HIS love for Rachel, which manifests as Jesse ripping on Finn’s singing/dancing skills. Then Sue’s totally nice sister died. Will has been in like every scene so far. We even had to spend time in Will’s bedroom looking at his clothing.

So basically everyone is sad or dead, including me.

Also, Finn has no confidence and won’t audition for Glee and Jesse fucked up all of his confidence in ten seconds. Lesbians are so insecure, probably because people were assholes to us in high school.

You know what Finn should do? He should put “at least mike chang can dance” on a white t-shirt, and go sing “Closer to Fine” on the stage while the rest of us eat our Jell-O and wonder why Brittany and Santana are not making out.

Also Finn and Kurt, aka Team Lesbigay, visit Sue to offer their Grieving Expertise or support or something. They’re like little cub scouts, Kurt is the smart one and Finn is the one everyone wants to talk to.

Somewhere in here they get the idea to throw her a funeral, because both of them are, basically, big softies who love feelings. Sue Sylvester is the opposite of that. And opposites. Attract.

I gotta hand it to Jane Lynch this episode. Much like being waterboarded, it’s not easy to play a ruthless semi-psychotic Darwinist bully trickster being in grief. But she does it. It’s shocking at first ’cause Sue’s always so dry — so that flat monotone is in full effect, but this time there’s no snap at the end, just a dry dull sadness.

Sue: “So how do you think you can help me? Are you here to tell me how to deal with this?”
Kurt: “Not at all–”
Sue: “Because if I’m being honest with you, Eddie Munster and Herman Munster, I don’t know how to deal with this. I can’t go back into that nursing home and start sorting through Jene’s things, and I won’t plan a funeral. If you boys would really like to help me you might start by trying to explain to me why it was her time and not mine. She’s the sweetest person I ever met. and as both of you can attest, i’m probably the meanest, so how come i’m still the one standing here talking to you?”

Jesus fucking Christ my eyes are watering again.

The Lost Boys return to Glee Club with grand plans for a … FUNERAL! Why would they wanna throw a funeral for that bitch Sue Sylvester, is the question. They argue that it’s outside loyalty — they’re not doing it for the “bitch”, it’s for the bitchin’ sister.

The kids still seem a bit wary, considering the funeral will probably take up valuable time they could spend having conversations in their bedrooms while looking in the mirror. These kids love mirrors.

(Does Will still write lesson plans? Kinda feel like the kids are constantly running the show these days, with all of Rachel’s announcements she oughta be promoted to Vice Principal or something.)

Jesse thinks throwing the funeral is a bad idea.

Jesse: Can I say something? When someone dies, yes, it’s a tragedy, but it’s also a part of life. And you can’t let death put you life on hold. Now, I don’t mean to be blunt, but I don’t think you should be planning a funeral the same week you should be focusing on the set list for Nationals.

Finn: Seriously? You… you’re serious?

Jesse: Actually, yes, I am. Do you know what Vocal Adrenaline is doing right now? They’re in their third week of 24-hour-a-day rehearsals. They’re on an I.V. drip. That’s how hard they’re working. Do you know what happens in Vocal Adrenaline if someone dies during a number? They use them as a prop, like Weekend at Bernie’s.

Well they’re definitely gonna lose because you can’t win if you’re sleep deprived. BAM!

It’s time for auditions and Jesse, the ambitious asshat that he is, lets Will know he’s practicing for a big career as a reality show judge, which I mean — duh Simon Cowell, I see how this is gonna be. They’ve got a lot in common, like big egos and a good resume for the job. Will will be a conglomerate of Randy’s cheesiness, Ellen’s kindness and Paula’s dim-witted-ness.

You know I just recognized Will’s haircut: Justin Timberlake. N’Sync. Quite some time ago.

I think Will’s got brain damage of some sort. Maybe from when that stranger offered him candy and a ride home from school and then decked him with a baseball bat.  Sue could’ve wiped his dumb ass onto the pavement in episode 111 (Hairography) just by setting up a few Home Aloney booby traps or just hired a wicked witch to lure Will into a gingerbread house.

Basically, what’s about to happen here is that Santana will blow it out of the ballpark, Kurt will climb the fence and grab the ball and throw it back into the stadium, and then Mercedes will catch the ball and score a home run. Then Will will clap softly and Jesse will hurl emotional tomatoes violently at the stage.

First up is  Santana, doing “Back to Black” which has been in my head ever since. She’s got this thing she does — like she’s dressaging her sexuality, like she knows just how to perform heterosexuality, how to play it, but she’s a little bit above it at the same time. She’s sassy but dark too. Classy. That rhymes. Raspy.

Following this incredible performance, Jesse juices up the enema and expels it into hate speech about the best two minutes of this program.

Don’t rain on that bitch’s parade, pretty boy. Don’t you dare. She will crack your barrel.

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Next up is Kurt, doing “Some People” from Gypsy, which I also love. Every time I dream about someone, I wish I could sing so I could sing to them I HAD A DREAM A DREAM ABOUT YOU [PERSON]! Remember when he did “Rose’s Turn” and said, Then where would you be, Miss Rachel Berry?

If you’re wondering about the outfit, it’s pretty simple: Tribal MC Hammer pants, a rainproof utility vest formerly owned by a merman, a tie from the ’90s, and some honestly kickass white Doc Marten boots.

The hole in the back of Kurt’s vest is for ventilation, and also to let any bees out if a bee flies into his vest. FYI, I am currently stone cold sober on an airplane somewhere between San Francisco and Detroit with limited battery power and a vague recollection of this episode. Bear with me.

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Predictably enough, Jesse’s got nothing nice to say. But he has been drawing a picture of Finn’s prized posession for target practice:

Jesse asks Kurt if he’s aware the song is traditionally sung by a woman. Kurt says that memo has been distributed, absorbed, recapped and settled upon like, before he even had buttsex for the first time.

If Will gets any more spineless he’s gonna start slouching like Finn. Then who will sing the lead at Nationals.

Backstage, the auditions have brought out the bite in these girls and they’re snapping at each other about how each of them is better than the other. One crazy train stop short of bitch-slapping each other with two cheeseburgers.

Mercedes sings “Try a Little Tenderness,” it’s pretty awesome. Will smiles and says something lifted from a greeting card or a cereal commercial and then Jesse says something pulled from his asshole, which is traditionally sung by a man. Specifically he calls Mercedes “lazy” which is, I think, racist? Right? I mean what does it take Will.

I’m gonna start a campaign to get Mercedes a fucking boyfriend (or girlfriend, whatever she’s into, not judging) because I am in fact genuinely interested in that potential storyline, since basically right now she’s I feel like they’re refusing to go any further than “sassy” or expressing “tender adolescent cliches about love” into like HER CORE. Unlike everyone else, who’s just wide open like a Bloomin’ Onion.

The trio sits up in the nosebleed seats for what will undoubtedly be a killer number from Rachel Berry, who announces that she’s going to sing the most difficult thing she’s ever sung, which is Barbara Streisand’s closing number from Funny Girl. The Autowin Award for the Worst Edit of the Year goes to the Cotton-Commercial montage of Finn’s goofy lezmug in his Varsity Jacket, smiling like he just won the Soapbox Derby and the prize was a pizza party, spliced into the opening of Lea’s song. I think it’s stock footage.

At the end, it’s abundantly clear that everyone just blew our fucking eyeballs out. Perfect for all four, smiles all around, extra points for Kurt’s Mein Herr getup and Santana’s woman-of-the-night mini-dress and for you know, music in general.

Jesse tells Rachel she was amazing. Will says he’s going to think a few days to think about who will be their featured soloist, he needs to go home and lie in front of his door in case someone comes over and needs a mat to wipe their toe shoes on.

Funeral alert! I don’t remember much of this scene, I tend to blackout when television programs try to manipulate my emotions instead of feed me opportunities for jokes, laughter, Santana Fucking Lopez, and celebration.

Sue begins to read her eulogy, and begins crying, like everyone does whilst reading a eulogy, but luckily her best best best friend Will Pansykidd steps up to the stage to support her OH MY GOD it wasn’t enough to make Will rap, now you’re having him read the eulogy.

Despite the aura of death and sadness and the deep questioning funerals ignite within our tortured souls, Santana and Brittany aren’t holding hands during this scene.

Fun fact: I love Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory in a really serious way — I’m talking about the original, not the Johnny Depp version, you tiny tiny children. In fact — guess what quote I have on a sticky note on my desktop ALL THE TIME? THIS ONE:

Look:

During this song we see someone’s broken in to Sue’s facebook and made a photo montage video like the kind they played at graduation while playing Amy Grant. On a CASETTE PLAYER.

Also there’s a 10-piece orchestra behind that gate. Every time Artie opens his mouth I curse the day he started dating Brittany.

They look like someone died or something. Also Brittany’s wearing the dress you wore for family pictures circa Christmas 1991.

I just like this picture.

Then Quinn and Finn go into his truck to break up. Quinn tries to slow down the train to Dumpsville by reminding Finn that next year they really will be Prom King and Queen, because last time they went to prom, Finn liked it so much he punched someone else in the face. Next year he could be in charge of that! Listen Finn doesn’t care about this shit. Finn cares about FEELINGS and also about Rachel Berry. It’s hard to tell if Quinn’s hurt because she loves him, or because she loves the idea of him, or doesn’t know how to have a different idea.

Quinn sheds one tear and says, “is this feeling enough for you?” and I mean — one tear? Really? No that’s not enough feeling. You can’t shortchange a lesbian on feelings and not expect us to notice.

Brittany is filming Jesse and Will talking about who will win the big game, I mean the audition situation. This episode is really hard to remember, and I’m not just saying that because I think I maybe burned a hole in my brain due to a brief flirtation with illegal narcotics in the mid-’00s.

Brittany invites Jesse onto Fondue for Two. That’ll be a very very special episode!

The kids clamor around the sheet in the hall, desperate for the Big Results, but it’s just a note about a meeting. It’s like a scavenger hunt, except the prize is Will Schuster’s wax-lipped-grin and his final decision. What is it?

Will decides to just scratch everything they’ve done all week because they’re gonna go back to the original plan of writing, choreographing and learning original songs IN ONE WEEK. It’s gonna be Lil’ Wayne fast. Better get some syrup.

All the kittens make up and rub their little paws all over each other.

Kurt: “Actually, Santana, you sounded pretty good.”
Santana: Thanks. You guys were all pretty dope, too. Even Rachel.”
Rachel: “I wish I could sound like you do, Santana. How do you get that raspiness?”
Santana: “I smoke cigars.”

Will says “whatever we do, we’ll do together.” Like, duh. It’s not like they’re gonna go without Kevin or something. If Will was a piece of cheese, I would grill him and I would use mayonaise instead of butter on the bread because I just read about that in Glamour Magazine.

At the end Sue tells Will she re-routed the tickets to Libya but Honey Badger saves the day with a story just about wacky enough as Honey Badger herself, and then Emma tells Will he really should stay in New York and explore her dreams and never ever come back to McKinley High and I totally agree. Mouths move, words come out, etc.

Anyhow, Sue’s not gonna be mean to Will anymore, she says. Sue kinda has to change, you know? She has an opportunity most of us don’t have when we lose somebody, which is to draw something positive out of the experience. She can become a significantly better, considerably different human. I doubt this will last, probably they will forget she died and have Sue picking flowers from her sister’s garden to take a blind kid to prom.

Sue: “In the history of our relationship, I’ve said many things to you. But there’s one thing I’ve never said: good luck. You know, I spent all this time hating you, hating that Glee Club – I do this thing where I sort of alternate which one of those kids I hate the most; right now, it’s the dancing Asian – but after what you did for my sister, I just can’t do it anymore. You have something Jean had, that I do not have: a pure heart. You’re a very good friend, William, and I have not been that to you.”

Oh, Will and his pure stupid heart. Also, Becky comes to turn in her pom-poms and I just about wanna stick a creamsicle in my eye I’m so tempted to cry about this but Sue hires her back, makes her captain of Cheerios, and then HUGS HER. Tender moment.

Cliffhanger? Fin says he’s glad Quinn’s not quitting Glee over their breakup and Quinn says of course she’s not quitting it’d ruin her big plans for New York. What are your big plans for New York, says Finn. Ten dollars she’s got tickets to Phantom and wants to jump on the piano in FAO Schwartz like they did in Big.

My number one feeling about this episode:

At the end of the show, all the bad guys are being nice and we still have no idea what’s going on with Brittany and Santana. Or Lauren and Puck. Or Mercedes. Or Kurt and Blaine and Karofsky. 

Sometimes I wonder that the killer from the first season of True Blood is gonna show up with his belt ready to strangle Glee Club to death and Will will be like “You guys, he just wants to teach us Cajun dance moves and buy some taffy!”

I feel like Brittany and Santana would be really good vampires. Oh my god. Kurt would be SUCH a good vampire.