Hello and welcome to the eleventh recap of the fourth season of Glee, an intolerable television program about a bunch of nubile taxidermied teenagers searching for their place in this cruel dark world under the incoherent tutelage of a walking talking barrel of poutine named Finn Hudson. This week, Glee celebrated “female empowerment” by making women look like idiots and celebrated their own lawlessness by stealing Jonathan Coulton’s arrangement of “Baby Got Back” and performing it on television and then selling it on iTunes. 

This blatant violation of human decency backfired when Glee asked viewers which of Thursdays’ 44 unbearable minutes were their all time favorite…

…and boy, did they get an earful!

As a fellow victim of Evil Bitches Stealing Your Shit For Their Television Show, I felt this was worth mentioning prior to embarking upon our recap. If anybody involved with Glee is reading this, I suggest you send Jonathan a large check.

Well, let’s get this shitshow on the road!

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We open in the hallowed hallways of McKinley High, where Sam’s in heat regarding The Warblers’ sudden ability to land it like Mary Lou Retton all over the show-choir stage and his suspicion that something suspicious is going on.

Sam suspects that The Warblers, everybody’s favorite Blazered Band of Bland Metrosexuals, are using performance-enhancing drugs! McKayla agrees:

Before we can dig too deep into the diseased mud wrestling pit of this subplot, it’s time for a Student Council Meeting starring President Blaine Warbler and Tina Cohen-Chang, who is auditioning her 56th personality transplant since she first bound into our lives via her stunning performance of “I Kissed a Girl” in Episode 101 (were we ever so young?).

This week, Tina Cohen-Chang will play a romantically deprived lonelyheart who’s never had a prom date or an anything date, let alone long-term relationship with that mega-cute 30-year-old dancer from Step it Up 2: The Streets. She’s taking charge of her romantic life, Cosmo-style:

Tina: “It is now officially 142 days until prom, when all the hot girls get immediately snatched up by all the hot guys, then the sort of hot girls get asked out by the sort of hot guys and then all the rest of us have to sit around and wait for all the nerds and the freaks and the burnouts and the losers to work up some courage and ask us out to the most awkward night of heavy petting we’re likely to get till we wake up in a nursing home getting groped by an orderly.”

Ah yes, today Tina will also be playing the role of a Not-Hot Girl, which’s likely a challenge for the Certifiably Hot Jenna Ushkowitz. Honestly, I’m unconvinced. Thus Tina proposes the first ever McKinley High Sadie Hawkins dance, which Blaine’s not into but nobody lets him speak because oppression.

Obviously Sadie Hawkins is the Definition of Heteronormative and it explicitly prevents cute pocket gays and rowdy diesel dykes from pairing up for the soiree because the only way to end up at this dance is to be a girl who asks a boy or a boy asked by a girl. Regardless, Student Council enthusiastically endorses Sadie Hawkins, overriding Blaine’s silent feelings, which probs have nothing to do with being gay ’cause hell, it’s Glee, maybe he won’t even be gay this episode, and then wham bam thank you ma’am we smear on over to a different meeting on a different hour/day/week and look who’s back in town:

For the purposes of this week’s episode, Lauren Zizes is no longer the sassy powerhouse with a bad attitude who Knows What Boys Like. I thought she’d dumped Old Man Puckerman AND McKinley High following Glee’s loss at Nationals Season Two, but I guess she’s been hiding behind the bleachers for the last 33 episodes. Anyhow, now Zizes is playing a romantically deprived lonelyheart with a bad attitude and top bitch of the Too Young To Be Bitter Club.

The Magical Moldable Sugar’s there, too, as is Becky and, obviously, Tina Cohen-Chang, and this girl in a neck brace who’s in love with Ryder Bieber-Strong, and they’re all weak in the knees about the Sadie Heterokins dance!

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Thus we bound over lakes, streams, brooks, rivers, oceans, koi ponds, waterfalls and waterslides until we arrive at Fake Julliard, where the newly-enrolled Kurt is a tad lonely ’cause The New Rachel’s busy boning Shirtless Geyerdean Brodybear and college is apparently “just like high school.”

Kurt’s considering hitting up some extracurriculars to round out his social game and a poster for the Adam’s Apples Show Choir catches his eye, probs ’cause of its resemblance to everybody’s favorite party game, Apples & Apples.

Fascinating!

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Then we plow on through the chilly night air, through snowstorms and heatstorms and glitterbombs all the way back to Lima, Ohio, where guys are walking down the hallway and girls are looking at them, because Sadie Hawkins.

Then something happens and then something else and then we’re in the teacher’s lounge with Mr. Potato-Head, and Beiste says this to him:

Beiste: “Sadie Hawkins is a metaphor for empowerment, and not just for women, but for everyone who is sick and tired of the status quo!”

So Finn hops, skips and jumps over to Glee Club and announces that this week’s theme is Lady’s Choice, when every lady will choose her favorite brand of tampon and sing to it.

JK! Um, girls are gonna sing songs to boys and ask them to the dance. This is so empowering, I feel like the Statue of Liberty. Maybe next week the girls can pick out their own wedding dresses, and the week after that they can pick out new drapes! Possibilities are endless.

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Then we remove our eyeballs from our skulls, drop them into miniature Thomas the Tank Engines, and choo-choo cross-country to The Barbie Dreamhouse Bushwick Loft, where Kurt’s singing and Rachel’s freaking out ’cause Geyerdean’s asleep in the other room because he slept over.

Kurt and Rachel plop their asses onto a sofa and Kurt says he needs new friends and is considering the Adam’s Apples, and Rachel says you can’t do that because show choir is for LOSERS.

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Having spent enough time in New York City for this act, we then take the last train to Clarksville but stop in Lima, Ohio, where Finn’s reserved the locker room for a quickie with Glee Club and Tina’s gonna serenade Glee Club with her Pro-Choice anthem, which Artie predicts will be dedicated to “the forbidden love she let slip through her fingers.”

Sam: “Unique?”

Nope, Artie’s not talking about Unique, because 1) Unique is a girl, 2) Artie is talking about Artie. Surprise!

None of this matters however because Tina’s singing “I Don’t Know How To Love Him” from Jesus Christ Superstar to… Blaine.

As Tina Cohen-Chang emotes, we’re treated to a montage of flashbacks detailing Tina’s descent into madness. For example, that time Blaine bent over in Algebra class…

…and that time she scribbled nonsense in her journal…

Regardless it’s a fitting tune, considering that “knowing how to love him” involves being a dude, and Tina’s not a dude, but she asks Blaine to the dance anyhow, and he’s like “No thank you,” and everybody feels really embarrassed for everybody else.

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Thus we zoom back to the East of the Southern Wild, where Kurt’s staring wistfully at the Adam’s Apples poster when the great-great-great-grandson of Lady Edith Crawley and Sir Anthony Strallan pops up in Whitney Mixter’s hand-me-downs, identifies himself as Adam of The Adam’s Apples and corals Kurt into checking out their vocal stylings at a rehearsal.

Thus we skim on over to the auditorium for an assault on my earholes and eyeballs I’m not sure I’ll ever recover from. Prior to learning this arrangement was the work of an independent acoustic musician, I was prepared to rant about how this might be my least favorite musical number in the history of Glee and how bizarre and gross the choreography was but now I feel bad, so. That being said, I bet Jonathan also hated the choreography!

Kurt, however, is essentially creaming in his pants over the performance performed by this motley crew, a group which includes a substantial number of escaped employees of Historical Williamsburg as well as Sherlock Holmes, a fan of Lolita cosplay, Keifer Sutherland circa Lost Boys, Eric Stolz’s long-lost son, Bobby Brady, Susan Powter circa 1992, Jane Fonda and a few extras from a 1995 production of RENT.

Then it’s over and I remove my head from its submersion in a pile of soundproof vanilla pudding.

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Cut back to Lima, Ohio, home to eight Subway sandwich franchises, where Brit-Brit is introducing herself to Marley-Kate and then suggesting that Marley-Kate follow her heart towards New Puck and ask him to the dance.

This convo segues neatly into the episode’s next musical number, “Tell Him” by The Exciters, featuring Marley-Kate, Britt-Britt, and the females of Glee Club dressed like Mermaids with brand new legs and killer cleavage:

At the song’s end, Marley-Kate asks New Puck to the dance and he says yes, and Brit-Brit asks Sam to the dance, and he says yes, and then somebody asks me if I’d like these cashews and I say HELL YES.

Then Fake Quinn traps New Puck in the hallway and says she’ll ride his hobby horse if he takes her to the dance instead of Marley-Kate.

Much like Real Quinn, Fake Quinn’s discarded her Christly ways in favor of feeding her hungry clam, but New Puck’s not quite sure where to hide his salami. He’ll have to think about it.

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Cut to another day or year or hour in the hallowed hallways of McKinley High, where Tina’s apologizing to Blaine for asking him to the dance because she forgot that apparently, “the whole reason” Blaine transferred to Dalton was not, in fact, to be with Kurt Hummel, as the man himself has stated and re-stated several times this season alone, but because he was “bullied” at a Sadie Hawkins Dance. How, precisely, an all-boys school pulled off a Sadie Hawkins dance is beguiling, but regardless it seems Tina’s latched onto this as the cause of her cold rejection rather than, you know, Blaine being gay and all.

Tina also suggests that Blaine owes her an apology for embarrassing her in front of Glee Club but Blaine offers no such apology, admitting only that her rejection was unrelated to Sadie Hawkins PTSD.

Blaine: “Thank you Tina, but that’s not why I can’t go to the dance with you.”
Tina: “Then what is the reason?”
Blaine: “I can’t tell you that, it’s too embarrassing.”
Tina: “I swear to G-d, I won’t tell anyone!”
Blaine: “I have a crush on somebody, and I don’t want to go to a dance where everyone’s gonna be romantic there but me.”

Tina: “Who? Who is it?”
Blaine: “It’s a guy and he’s straight and he doesn’t know that I — that I like him.”
Tina: “I swear to G-d I won’t tell anyone.”
Blaine: “I’m not some predatory gay, so… nothing’s gonna happen — ”
Tina: “Who is it? Tell me Blaine you can trust me!”
Blaine: “It’s Sam. It’s so stupid.”
Tina: “It’s not stupid. I know what it’s like to have a crush on someone who’s never gonna love you back.”

Blaine: “I know it’s all just a fantasy. I mean, I’m proud of our relationship, I’m proud the gay guy can be friends with the straight guy. I’m proud of showing the school that, I just don’t wanna jeapordize our friendship, you know?”
Tina: “Blaine, you miss Kurt. You need someplace to put your love, right?”
Blaine: “I guess.”
Tina: “And then there are those lips.”
Blaine: “Yes, those lips. Those lips. And when he does all those impressions.”
Tina: “It’s pure crushable crack.”

Real talk: I hate Sam’s impressions. They’re all the same and remind me of Dave Coulier. But Blaine and Tina Cohen-Chang’s bonding over the Sam Crush is surprisingly semi-adorable.

Tina: “Okay here is what we’re gonna do about your very human and moving dilemma. We are going to the Sadie Hawkins dance together, we’ll go as best friends, and we’re gonna have the most fun night ever. Okay?”

omg something just occurred to me — what if Sam cheated on Brit-Brit with Blaine? I mean, he seems like an open-minded guy. Now that would be interesting. Or um, Tina Cohen-Chang could have a crush on a gay guy and Sam could date Brit-Brit and I could run into traffic. Let’s do that!

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Cut to Limabucks, where Old Man Puckerman and New Puck are chatting about New Puck’s very human and normal pressing male dilemma: should he go out with Marley-Kate, his super-cute crush who’s got the personality of a paper plate, or should he go out with Fake Quinn, his ex-something who’s got the personality of a paper cut and will definitely wanna peel New Puck’s banana after Sadie gets her Hawk on, if you know what I’m saying.

Old Man Puckerman, dealing exclusively in baseball metaphors, informs Jake that getting on base is all that matters and if he digs Marley-Kate, he should dance his ass off with her at the Sadie Hawkins Dance, not Fake Quinn.

Puck: “I had every flavor of Cheerio you can imagine. Original, Honey Nut. Did it really mean anything?”

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We then soar mightily across the dull mideastern roadscape and land down in New York, New York, where The New Rachel’s blathering about how if Kurt got a boyf, they could go on double-dates, which’d be super fun / make her less of a shitty friend.

Kurt admits he’s got his eye on Adam The English Faun, and thusly we starsweep to a mini-montage of Kurt/Adam The English Faun’s literary encounters at various locations around Fake Julliard, which’s mainly, it seems, a ballet school.

In one such flashback, Kurt’s practicing how to plie in jeggings when The English Faun pops in to complement him on how he pops and locks it:

Adam The English Faun: “Hey, Kurt. Nice plié.”
Kurt: [startled] “Oh, hi again!” [fumbling] “Uh no, my ex-boyfriend was more of the dancer in our relationship.”
Adam The English Faun: “Let’s try this again. Hey Kurt, nice plié!”
Kurt: “Thank you.”
Adam The English Faun: “You’re welcome.”

It’s cute. Kurt tells The New Rachel that Adam is “22, sophisticated, handsome, there’s no way he wants to be with me.” The New Rachel, drunk on life, exudes:

The New Rachel: “…I think it’s really time for you to put yourself out there, you know? If this guy doesn’t wanna ask you out, then you ask HIM out. I promise you it’s worth the risk. There’s nothing like being in love in New York!”
Kurt: “Love? Already?
The New Rachel: “What can I say? Things move fast here. It’s not like high school.”
Kurt: “Says the girl who almost got married before graduation!”
The New Rachel: “Seize the moment! Do it! It’ll be worth it!”

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We then pile aboard the musty-aired Polar Express for an arduous journey back to Lovely Lima, Ohio, home to three of the remaining five Kewpee Hamburgers locations, where Old Man Puckerman is hanging out at the high school, hitting on young girls.

After giving a subliminal shout-out to the defunct West Village lesbian nightclub Meow Mix by informing Fake Quinn that his brother isn’t interested in her “Skanky Meow Mix,” Old Man Puckerman lays it on thick like really thick butter or frosting or cold cream:

Old Man Puckerman: “I understand the Puckerman must is impossible for chicks to resist. We’re like chocolate chip cookies right out of the oven — sure, you know we’re not good for you, but one whiff of our fresh-baked goodness and the next thing you know, you’re lying in bed covered in crumbs, crying.”

Right, so Old Man Puckerman says if Meow Mix likes New Puck, she’ll lay off, and she says she doesn’t like him, she’s just a bitch who likes to get what she wants, and he says it’s not gonna happen.

So, Meow Mix asks Old Man Puckerman to the Sadie Hawkins Dance:

Meow Mix: “It’s depressing that you hang around school, but luckily you’re just hot enough to pull it off. I assume vintage Puckerman is just as tasty.”

Meow Mix says her dates are always underwear-optional.

Cut to The Sadie Hawkins Dance we’ve all been waiting for. The theme is “Snowflakes.”

Tina looks hot, though:

Blaine compliments Tina on her spectacular Decoration Skills but fails to credit the theme’s inventress — yup, Jonathan Coulton wasn’t the only artist who got robbed this episode. Princess Frostine’s entire situation was blatantly copied with no credit given, AHEM:

Anyhow, we zip on over to the mainstage, where T-Boz, Left Eye (RIP) and Chili are about to bust into a thrilling rendition of the hit 1999 single “No Scrubs” from the hit 1999 album “FanMail” WAIT JUST KIDDING it’s Artie, Ryder Bieber-Strong, Teen Jesus, Blaine and Sam about to bust into a lukewarm rendition of the hit 1999 single “No Scrubs” from the hit 1999 TLC album “FanMail.”

Artie: “We’d like to dedicate this song to all the strong, proud and empowered ladies who stuck their necks out to make this happen. This week you showed us what it’s like to wait by the phone that never rings. The horror when all your friends get asked to dance, and you don’t, and then you have to sit there…”

Right so, nobody asked Artie to the dance, and Blaine the Ex-Girlfriend Stealer cuts him off so the song can begin —

The audience is positively delighted and therefore probs on Crystal Meth.

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Elswhere in Princess Frostine’s Garden of Good and Evil, Marley-Kate and New Puck are moving their limbs and torso in dance-esque movements while Marley-Kate discusses her Trust Issues and, probably also noticing a lack of Female Empowerment in Female Empowerment Episode #456, lays down the law with New Puck:

Marley-Kate: “I need you to be with me and only me and I need to take things slow. If you can agree to that, we can have the best time, and if not, I’m sorry, I… I just can’t.”

Before he can consent, she’s whisked away by a fairy. Thus we mosey on over to the bleachers, where the entirety of the Too Young To Be Bitter Club (sans Tina), headed by the previously sassy sister known as Lauren Zizes, are mourning their datelessness when Beiste strolls through.

Beiste: “What’s the problem here, single ladies? Unless you’re beat up like me from riding a buffalo down at the state fair, you should be out on the dance floor. This ain’t a dance for flowers to sprout on the wall. Get out there and spread your petals.”
Zizes: “We’re not flowers, we’re losers. And this dance only doubled how patheitc I already feel.”
Beiste: “Girls, take it from a former wallflower myself. Life’s not about waiting to be asked, and neither is this dance. Now, get out there and get what’s yours. Just remember one thing: the worse he could say is no.”

We then cut quickly over to Fake Julliard, where Kurt is navigating the myriad architectural masterpieces in his sneakers when he runs into Adam The English Faun and decides to seize the moment…

…while simultaneously Zizes seizes the moment to ask Teen Jesus to dance…

…and Sugar asks Artie to dance, a great act of courage considering that they dated once I think and never really broke up but also she dated Irish Breakfast and also idk, I thought they were together now and whatever he’s liked her for at least 20 episodes…

…and back at Fake Julliard:

Adam The English Faun: “Thoughts on a Sondheim super mashup, like epic to the power of epic. We’ll all probably die while singing it. You in?”
Kurt: “I’m in.”

[The English Faun descends the stairs]

Kurt: “Hey Adam, I was wondering? Would you ever wanna get a drink or a coffee sometime?”
Adam The English Faun: “Yeah, that would be great.”

Kurt makes the cutest face ever as he clutches the English Faun’s newly-acquired digits in his fey hands.

Then we’re back at the Ice Palace, where Tina and Blaine are doing the awkward dance:

Blaine: “I love your new attitude these days. It’s so empowered.”
Tina: “I love your everything… you’re perfect.”
Blaine: “Oh, Tina Cohen-Chang, where have you been all my life?” [dips her]
Tina: “Right here!” [TINA GETS FOGGY]

It’s so tragic and unempowering on so many levels and also totally non-sensical. Blaine’s clearly enjoying his platonic funtime and Tina’s somehow thinking that Blaine is about to kiss her or something and just UGH

So Tina, possessed by a demon of plotlines passed, appears to be going in for the makeout but before she can, Blaine gives her the fakeout ’cause Sam has bounded across the Ice Palace to retrieve his bestie for an emergency meeting of The Warblers Are On ‘Roids Club. Tina’s left alone to witness The Ladies of Glee covering an unbearable pop song I hate while making love to microphone poles:

At some point while watching Glee on Thursday with three glasses of wine and half a Cheeba-Chew, I tried watching it while imagining that I was 12 years old, and oh my G-d, 12-year-old Riese really loved this show. You guys, how much would you have loved the FUCK out of this show when you were 12? I mean do you remember the shit you were into back then? Real talk: I was super into Crystal Clear Pepsi. I think maybe there are a lot of 12-year-olds watching this show.

As the dance floor throbs with hormonal extras, Meow Mix and Old Man Puckerman are “dancing” and chatting:

Then:

Meow Mix: “Look I usually avoid dating Jewish guys on account of your people killing my Jesus, but I was willing to make an exception because of your biceps, but I’m gonna have to end this little expriment in religious tolerance if you don’t stop dancing like an idiot.”
Old Man Puckerman: “One night with me and I’ll have you studying for your Bat Mitzvah.”
Meow Mix: “Not a chance. I like bacon too much… I read your screenplay, you know.”
Old Man Puckerman: “Why didn’t you tell me, I gave that to you like three days ago.”
Meow Mix: “It took me that long to get through all the spelling errors. Have you ever heard of spell check?”
Old Man Puckerman: “No.”

She tells him that he has talent and then they go to make out and then go to Sonic Burger or something.

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Smear to the emergency meeting of The Warblers Are On ‘Roids Club, where Sam and Blaine present Finn with an iPad slideshow of evidence regarding the Warblers being on ‘roids.

They’ve even snagged a cell-phone vid of a Warbler going batshit on an innocent Barista at Limabucks:

Angry Warbler on video: “I fucking hate Splenda. It tastes like pencils. Why are you putting pencils in my latte?”

(I agree about the Splenda)

According to section something something line something else of the Show Choir manual, anyone caught using steroids, amphetamines, human growth hormone or Four Loko is automatically disqualified, which’s really gonna screw over all the ADD kids on Adderall and their “friends” who steal their Adderall to cram for another hard-hitting geography test about the rain in Spain. The rule’s retroactive so if they can prove the Warblers have been juicing up, heads will roll. Regardless, Finn says that’s not enough evidence and Sam’s like, OH YEAH WELL HOW ABOUT THIS GUY???!!!! Then Trent Warbler shows up:

Trent Warbler relays a tale of how Sebastian and then the mysterious Hunter have turned The Warblers into a rowdy band of sinners, robbing them of their showchoir purity and offering Ryan Murphy an opportunity to make us look at a lot of young male ass:

Yup, The Warblers have been giving themselves the hot beef steroid injection, and Trent’s willing to testify to this effect, which means they’ll get disqualified and everybody will rejoice, like this:

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We then pack our tiny suitcases, load up the station wagon, stock up on healthy road snacks, plug in our Road Rage Mixtape and traverse the great American landscape all the way to New York, New York, where The New Rachel has been making an afternoon picnic for dinner, featuring every Vegan’s favorite delicacy, “the turkey burger.” She plops down a the table-for-two and busies herself thinking about how much potato salad reminds her of Finn’s genitals.

Rachel maintains the table set-up for 45 minutes so she can dramatically remove her sad sack entrees from the table when Geyerdean shows up and apologizes for being late.

The New Rachel: “You know, it’s amazing how I strive for such greatness for myself and my career, but I’m fine with taking whatever scraps I can get with my personal life.”
Geyerdean: “Well, I’m sorry. The train was late.”

True story: sometimes the train is late. Rachel’s unconcerned with reality, however, so Geyerdean opens his mouthhole and says words including:

Geyerdean: “All I was thinking was that I would wait all night, I would wait my whole life for that train if it meant that I got to spend my last day with you.”
Rachel: “I guess I could put it in the microwave.”

But Geyerdean’s willing to put the Turkey Lurkey on hold in favor of dancing. The New Rachel points out that there’s no music, seeing as they presently exist in a tech time-warp where Geyerdean lacks a cell-phone he could use to tell The New Rachel the train is late and the New Rachel lacks a cell phone she could use to ask Geyerdean what the holdup is and Rachel/Kurt lack a stereo or laptop or ipod dock or tape deck or record player or keyboard.

“Use your imagination,” he suggests, and apparently her imagination imagines Ryder Bieber-Strong performing The Flamingos’ arrangement of Warren and Dubin’s “I Only Have Eyes For You,” ’cause that’s where this scene sends us:

On the dance floor, New Puck tells Marley-Kate that she’s the most amazing person he ever met and he doesn’t want to be with anybody else.

Blaine returns from his meeting and escorts Tina to the dance floor, where she maintains her insipid and pointless unempowered moony attraction for a gay man who will never want her back, just like Kurt didn’t want Mercedes and Blaine didn’t want Rachel and Justin didn’t want Daphne and Ricky didn’t want Delia Fisher and Maxxie didn’t want Sketch and Alex didn’t want Liv and Marco didn’t want Ellie and David didn’t want Tracy and Will didn’t want Grace. So.

Back in The Barbie Bushwick Dreamhouse Loft, Geyerdean promises to never be late again and even volunteers to move to Bushwick, because he’s a moron.

Rachel: “Why don’t you just move in?”

Um, because that’s the stupidest fucking idea you’ve ever had. Well, besides this idea:

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Over Pennsylvania and through the woods to Lima Ohio we go, where The Too Young to Be Bitter Club is giving accolades to Tina for her fantastic Sadie Hawkins Dance idea.

Lauren: “That Sadie Hawkins dance gave me back my swag. I not only snagged the cutest Christian hippie in all of Ohio, I was also empowered to apply for a wrestling scholarship at Harvard.”

McKinley High is basically a holding cell for underachievers with spotty high school records to snag spots at Ivy League schools for weird reasons, yeah?

Then Tina’s like, “Just between us girls, I think I found the love of my life!”

Becky says, “You’re not talking about gay Blaine!” and before anybody can give a tip of the hat to Becky, Tina disbands the meeting and disbands the club itself altogether forvermore and we’re left here with empty memories of when this show had a lesbian in it!

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