Then Fake Quinn traps New Puck in the hallway and says she’ll ride his hobby horse if he takes her to the dance instead of Marley-Kate.
down boy, heel
Much like Real Quinn, Fake Quinn’s discarded her Christly ways in favor of feeding her hungry clam, but New Puck’s not quite sure where to hide his salami. He’ll have to think about it.
Cut to another day or year or hour in the hallowed hallways of McKinley High, where Tina’s apologizing to Blaine for asking him to the dance because she forgot that apparently, “the whole reason” Blaine transferred to Dalton was not, in fact, to be with Kurt Hummel, as the man himself has stated and re-stated several times this season alone, but because he was “bullied” at a Sadie Hawkins Dance. How, precisely, an all-boys school pulled off a Sadie Hawkins dance is beguiling, but regardless it seems Tina’s latched onto this as the cause of her cold rejection rather than, you know, Blaine being gay and all.
oh hey isn’t it weird how we’re alone in this empty hallway for no reason
Tina also suggests that Blaine owes her an apology for embarrassing her in front of Glee Club but Blaine offers no such apology, admitting only that her rejection was unrelated to Sadie Hawkins PTSD.
Blaine: “Thank you Tina, but that’s not why I can’t go to the dance with you.”
Tina: “Then what is the reason?”
Blaine: “I can’t tell you that, it’s too embarrassing.”
Tina: “I swear to G-d, I won’t tell anyone!”
Blaine: “I have a crush on somebody, and I don’t want to go to a dance where everyone’s gonna be romantic there but me.”
oh honey, this plot again?
Tina: “Who? Who is it?”
Blaine: “It’s a guy and he’s straight and he doesn’t know that I — that I like him.”
Tina: “I swear to G-d I won’t tell anyone.”
Blaine: “I’m not some predatory gay, so… nothing’s gonna happen — ”
Tina: “Who is it? Tell me Blaine you can trust me!”
Blaine: “It’s Sam. It’s so stupid.”
Tina: “It’s not stupid. I know what it’s like to have a crush on someone who’s never gonna love you back.”
Blaine: “I know it’s all just a fantasy. I mean, I’m proud of our relationship, I’m proud the gay guy can be friends with the straight guy. I’m proud of showing the school that, I just don’t wanna jeapordize our friendship, you know?”
Tina: “Blaine, you miss Kurt. You need someplace to put your love, right?”
Blaine: “I guess.”
Tina: “And then there are those lips.”
Blaine: “Yes, those lips. Those lips. And when he does all those impressions.”
Tina: “It’s pure crushable crack.”
Real talk: I hate Sam’s impressions. They’re all the same and remind me of Dave Coulier. But Blaine and Tina Cohen-Chang’s bonding over the Sam Crush is surprisingly semi-adorable.
and i mean the president and vice-president having sexual relations? how hot would that be?
Tina: “Okay here is what we’re gonna do about your very human and moving dilemma. We are going to the Sadie Hawkins dance together, we’ll go as best friends, and we’re gonna have the most fun night ever. Okay?”
omg something just occurred to me — what if Sam cheated on Brit-Brit with Blaine? I mean, he seems like an open-minded guy. Now that would be interesting. Or um, Tina Cohen-Chang could have a crush on a gay guy and Sam could date Brit-Brit and I could run into traffic. Let’s do that!
oooo that prep-h burns
Cut to Limabucks, where Old Man Puckerman and New Puck are chatting about New Puck’s very human and normal pressing male dilemma: should he go out with Marley-Kate, his super-cute crush who’s got the personality of a paper plate, or should he go out with Fake Quinn, his ex-something who’s got the personality of a paper cut and will definitely wanna peel New Puck’s banana after Sadie gets her Hawk on, if you know what I’m saying.
and then, you get her pregnant and wait for her to dye her hair pink
Old Man Puckerman, dealing exclusively in baseball metaphors, informs Jake that getting on base is all that matters and if he digs Marley-Kate, he should dance his ass off with her at the Sadie Hawkins Dance, not Fake Quinn.
Puck: “I had every flavor of Cheerio you can imagine. Original, Honey Nut. Did it really mean anything?”
We then soar mightily across the dull mideastern roadscape and land down in New York, New York, where The New Rachel’s blathering about how if Kurt got a boyf, they could go on double-dates, which’d be super fun / make her less of a shitty friend.
i mean the papaya juice isn’t all that amazing, but for 1.50 with two hot dogs, it’s hard to beat
Kurt admits he’s got his eye on Adam The English Faun, and thusly we starsweep to a mini-montage of Kurt/Adam The English Faun’s literary encounters at various locations around Fake Julliard, which’s mainly, it seems, a ballet school.
well yes, i am happy to see you
In one such flashback, Kurt’s practicing how to plie in jeggings when The English Faun pops in to complement him on how he pops and locks it:
Adam The English Faun: “Hey, Kurt. Nice plié.”
Kurt: [startled] “Oh, hi again!” [fumbling] “Uh no, my ex-boyfriend was more of the dancer in our relationship.”
Adam The English Faun: “Let’s try this again. Hey Kurt, nice plié!”
Kurt: “Thank you.”
Adam The English Faun: “You’re welcome.”
It’s cute. Kurt tells The New Rachel that Adam is “22, sophisticated, handsome, there’s no way he wants to be with me.” The New Rachel, drunk on life, exudes:
The New Rachel: “…I think it’s really time for you to put yourself out there, you know? If this guy doesn’t wanna ask you out, then you ask HIM out. I promise you it’s worth the risk. There’s nothing like being in love in New York!”
Kurt: “Love? Already?
The New Rachel: “What can I say? Things move fast here. It’s not like high school.”
Kurt: “Says the girl who almost got married before graduation!”
The New Rachel: “Seize the moment! Do it! It’ll be worth it!”
and don’t forget to call time warner!
We then pile aboard the musty-aired Polar Express for an arduous journey back to Lovely Lima, Ohio, home to three of the remaining five Kewpee Hamburgers locations, where Old Man Puckerman is hanging out at the high school, hitting on young girls.
oh hey isn’t it weird how we’re alone in this empty hallway for no reason
After giving a subliminal shout-out to the defunct West Village lesbian nightclub Meow Mix by informing Fake Quinn that his brother isn’t interested in her “Skanky Meow Mix,” Old Man Puckerman lays it on thick like really thick butter or frosting or cold cream:
Old Man Puckerman: “I understand the Puckerman must is impossible for chicks to resist. We’re like chocolate chip cookies right out of the oven — sure, you know we’re not good for you, but one whiff of our fresh-baked goodness and the next thing you know, you’re lying in bed covered in crumbs, crying.”
Right, so Old Man Puckerman says if Meow Mix likes New Puck, she’ll lay off, and she says she doesn’t like him, she’s just a bitch who likes to get what she wants, and he says it’s not gonna happen.
i’ve already made one invisible baby and there’s nothing stopping me from popping out another
So, Meow Mix asks Old Man Puckerman to the Sadie Hawkins Dance:
Meow Mix: “It’s depressing that you hang around school, but luckily you’re just hot enough to pull it off. I assume vintage Puckerman is just as tasty.”
Meow Mix says her dates are always underwear-optional.
and right now i’m on my period, so try not to get distracted by that little white string
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I went to Sadie Hawkins in 7th grade. I asked the only gay boy in my Catholic high school. I was his beard and he was mine, although neither of us knew it at the time. Perfect.
High five for accidental beards in catholic school! Mine was in 5th grade, we bonded over our mutual love of Avril Lavigne.
WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP GIVING RYAN MURPHEY MONEY TO MAKE THINGS!?
UGGGGGGGGH.
This recap was amazing. I read this recap and then promptly donated 10$ to autostraddle.
Considering Sam was originally brought on to be gay/Kurt’s love interest, I hope he goes bi and dates Blaine. But WTF, Tina.
Also. Mark Stalling needs to retire. He looks older than Figgins these days.
more importantly, he looks older than ezra fitz
Thoughts:
-Kurt’s new bf looks like he’s old enough to be his dad! I knew a lot of gay guys in college who did the May-December thing, but I’m pretty sure that’s not what Glee intends to have happen here.
-Wait, so we spent multiple episodes breaking up Rachel/Finn and Kurt/Blaine, and like 15 minutes on Brittana. But the other two “one’s still in Lima and one’s gone” couples get…nothing? I figured people just didn’t give a shit about Sam or Mercedes, but we don’t get anything about Tina and Mike either? Dafuq?
-Haven’t we already done the “straight girls get crushes on gay guys” thing TWICE over? Do we need to do this again? Can’t we just have straight girls become friends with gay guys without having to fall in love with them first? It happens all the time IRL, you know.
And by “people” who don’t give a shit about Sam and Mercedes, I mean Glee writers. I for one was really happy to see Mercedes get in a long-term relationship after waiting way, way, WAY too long while all the thinner girls went through multiple boyfriends. And I was glad we got one that had build-up and from a character we previously knew, rather than just a new character where their only connection was that they were both black.
Also, I have a feeling that either Sam or Blaine will turn out to be bi. I would prefer it be Sam, but if it were Blaine, it would be funny because Blaine’s denial and then realization of his bisexuality would parallel mine when you throw in the events of “Blame It On The Alcohol.” (Long story short: When I was 15 and questioning my sexuality and really wishing I wasn’t, I was at a slumber party where we played Truth or Dare and I had to “stage-kiss” another girl. I didn’t enjoy it, so I decided at the party that I must be straight because obviously, not enjoying almost-kissing one particular girl in front of tons of squealing other girls, is totally the same as not enjoying kissing all girls anywhere.)
By the way, my analysis is based on the fact that some other recaps I read seem to think that Blaine was into Tina. I didn’t watch the episode.
Maybe I should to form my own opinions?
Nah….this is Glee.
I also think it’s worth noting that this episode about “female empowerment” was written by a man, and directed by a man. All six producers are men and all four executive producers are also men. #justsaying
god damn i feel so empowered i think it’s leaking out my pores
Aria was the best part of this episode.
Real talk: I hate Sam’s impressions.
LOL I thought it was just me!
THEY’RE ALL THE SAME, they’re all gruff dumb men with audacious lip expressions
They are pretty realistic in terms of what teenage boys think are funny, but are not actually funny.
I actually had to sit through this because my mother records Glee on her DVR and I was at home from school this weekend and managed to be there when she watched it. But at this point I’m convinced she only watches it so she doesn’t hurt the DVR’s feelings.
Watching this also meant having to listen to my father ask ‘is he gay? is she gay? aren’t they all gay?’ and my mother explaining to him what Britanna is before asking if he’ll be quiet so she can go back to finishing the episode.
I liked the montage of them singing The Name Game while pansexual aliens impregnated the Pope’s most faithful underling, Sister Mudy Winters!!!
[My Glee days are over, and my cleanse now includes not reading about it, but sometimes when I see a new recap published I remember the sense of uneasy togetherness brought to me by communally hate-watching a show, and I feel the need to comment. Sorry about that.]
When i first saw Ryan Murphey’s hands holding the check I thought they were dildos. I’ve been here too long.
True story, I was like “didn’t the other team get disqualified for having a high schooler on their team and then they got to move on?”
“oh wait no that was Pitch Perfect.” I’m getting my show choir total bullshit confused.
Ok, three thoughts.
1. Crystal Cleat Pepsi was totally the shit.
2. I legit thought Finn was Schue in the scene when Blaine and Sam present the roids evidence to him. They have merged in my mind.
3. I think I saw Unique laying and singing on top of the piano in that Ryder song at the dance, and if I’m right about that I’m very upset they didn’t really show it.
I think I might just start watching Pitch Perfect every time a new episode of Glee comes on so I don’t subject myself to this but still get to enjoy the singing of adults playing teenagers. Plus yes please Anna Kendrick/Brittany Snow sexual chemistry.
The funniest thing about Tina crushing on Blaine is that she was the one who told Mercedes she needed a gay intervention when she was crushing on obviously-gay Kurt! yay continuity! yay Glee!
THIS! Glee and its continuity is making me crazy!
i get mad at myself for being mad that the show doesn’t make sense
but yes a sadie hawkins dance–as defined so rigidly by the characters on this very show–would not be feasible at blaine’s all boys’ school
plus–wasn’t his school known for its zero tolerance policy toward acts of bigotry and seemingly kinder student body? are we to believe that the new batch of students and warblers suddenly changed the entire culture to the point that he’d have to leave?
see, i’m mad at myself for analyzing it again. it’s better if i just think of it as a sketch show where each week the actors play different characters
this is actually something that drove me a little crazy about this recap but that’s just cause I’m detail oriented and things drive me crazy easily and I was hoping someone else would be as crazy as me and comment. Blaine wasn’t always a Dalton boy. He transferred to Dalton from some public school somewhere because he was bullied for taking his little boyfriend to a Sadie Hawkins Dance and that was the last straw. Then he went to Dalton where he met Kurt and fell in love and transferred to McKinley. The only thing he didn’t like about Dalton was the fact that Kurt was no longer there. The episode even stated that the Sadie Hawkins incident was why he transferred TO Dalton not FROM.
I still don’t understand why he can just transfer to some public school willy nilly without being in their district. I mean I know his parents have money because they were paying for Dalton and all but did they just up and move to another part of Lima or something? Ugh. This show just making shit up as it goes.
well, you and tina have a much better memory than i do! that being said, how the hell did tina remember something i didn’t, they’ve been friends for like one episode
also, sidenote, i found reading the following satisfying, also includes dalton-talk;
http://glee.wikia.com/wiki/List_of_Things_With_Little/No_Continuity
I have a feeling that they’ve been friends longer than that it’s just that Ryan (I feel like I know all his shitty work well enough to be on a first name basis) and the rest of the Glee team don’t care enough about Tina and they only really started caring about Blaine now that Kurt is in NY because they have to have a token gay at McKinley so they didn’t show any of their friendship.
Also, that was amazing. I did always wonder about the vegan thing (mainly cause I’m a vegan and I thought it was cool that Rachel was too but then she wasn’t and then she was and now she’s not?).
thanks i was informed of my mistake soon after posting but alas there is no edit feature
but my statement about it resembling a sketch show with whole characters changing week to week still stands
i agree with this statement aden
Good luck to Lauren Zizes applying for that non-existent wrestling scholarship at Harvard. It’s like they go out of their way to make every single part of the episode unbelievable.
I wonder if it’s from the same donor who made possible Thomas’s running scholarship to Harvard in Skins?
Riese, I know you hate writing these, but reading them is truly a highlight of my week. And I have to read them at home alone otherwise I’d be dying laughing every 2 seconds at work.
Also may I say that Intern Bren was on FIRE with the captions this week!
awww, thank you! and I write the captions, silly! intern grace makes the actual pictures and names the jpg files, but she didn’t do that this week, they just have generic names because she had the flu. but i always write the captions!
Ooooh crap, I was toooooootally wrong on that! Well, high five Intern Grace, double-high five to you because the captions seriously kill me every time.
“OH HEY ISN’T IT WEIRD HOW WE’RE ALONE IN THIS EMPTY HALLWAY FOR NO REASON”, captions 1 and 2, were brilliant. Why did it never occur to me before that this was weird?? Teachers in my high school nabbed truants alone in the hallways in 2 seconds.
I also love Intern Bren anyway!
So glad I stopped watching this. The awfulness seems to have reached new heights…
Thanks for the recap as always.
This episode was so bad, it’s like they’re trying to get the show canceled.
Weirdly, the A.V. Club only gave it a C-.
(I often wonder what their grading scale is, because Downton Abbey got a D+ last week, but I think the writers would agree that even the worst episodes of a show like Downton Abbey are better than the best episodes of Glee.)
First off….I just have to say.. I LOVE reading your Glee recaps. And I have to admit that I have a love/hate relationship with the show.
I loved it during its earlier seasons and was mostly happy with it during Season 1 and Season 2…season 3 drove me somewhat insane and annoyed me A LOT (Spanish teacher episode — don’t even get me started).
I usually don’t comment…but just want to say this (and I know that this will reveal that I am in fact a Glee fan…ooops) regarding Blaine:
Blaine transferred to Dalton Academy from his other school (name of which was never mentioned) because he was bullied at said school and the faculty didn’t do anything about it. To quote Blaine “I mean, they were sympathetic but you could just tell that they were like ‘you’re gay. life is just going to suck for you. deal with it'”
Blaine didn’t transfer to Dalton because of what happened to him in the dance at this former school (which is probably one of the many instances of bullying he had to deal with).
Blaine did transfer to McKinley for Kurt.
some thoughts:
1) lolita isn’t actually cosplay, it’s just a fashion style. not a criticism, just that my girlfriend loves lolita and i feel like if i don’t point this out i will be in trouble with her.
2) you missed ‘ron weasley/a guy with a talking dick’ from the list of adam’s apple’s curious assortment. poor joey. he finally gets on glee and it’s that fucking performance.
3) i am really upset about the whole joco affair. apparently glee literally contacted him and told him he had no rights. bluh.
4) i did not know zizes had returned and now i am really upset. can she get a spinoff? can pm everyone but finn and shoebox get a spinoff?
Loved the recap. Loved the new guy for Kurt; always hated Blaine and Darren Criss, and it’s refreshing to see someone actually compliment Kurt and not be an attention whore all the time.