Smear back to the heartiest heartland in all of the world, Lima, Ohio, not to be confused with Lima, Peru, which doesn’t have a Cracker Barrel. Artie tells Brit-Brit that JBI’s recent poll suggests students will attend the debate… to see if Brit-Brit says something stupid.
Artie: “You’re not stupid, you’re really creative. Your brain exists in this magical other dimension where anything is possible. It’s really amazing.”
Artie’s not alone in his pre-debate panic, Blaine’s concerned about Sam’s oral skills as well and thus we segue into a rousing rendition of “Celebrity Skin” — it’s full of energy, humor, crazy fashions and appropriate ‘plot development.’ Much like the opening musical number, it’s really rad and fun and Brittany gets to be all bossy in a powersuit, so everybody wins.
Smear back to New York City, home of the most haphazardly mapped grocery stores in the Western Hemisphere, where Rachel and Kurt are galavanting about, initially outdoors in Manhattan and subsequently on The Set of RENT: Bushwick!
Rachel’s having a crisis! See, Rachel came to New York City to reinvent herself but still looks like Polly Pocket and the other dance glass girls are bitches and she destroyed her exposed brick with tribute graffiti for Finn Hudson, a.k.a. World’s Worst Claymation Experiment.
Kurt: “I hate to say this but life is like high school. Styles and clothes determine the pecking order.”
Suddenly, a giant anvil falls from the deconstructed ceiling, knocking Kurt unconscious and turning him into a total fucking idiot. Well, I think that’s what happened because I’ve got no other explanation for why Kurt thinks it’s a great idea to solve Rachel’s confidence crisis by whipping over to midtown (a trip that’d take 1.5/2 hours by rail or $40 by cab at this time of night)…
… and breaking into the ultra-secure CONDE NAST BUILDING, where he’s been interning for approximately 24 hours, to rob their couture closet and make Rachel feel less sad about Ohio and The Cracker Barrel and applesauce and Santana never being on the show and the fact that she’s constantly paired with monumentally boring romantic partners.
Much to my surprise/relief, Carrie Bradshaw is ecstatic when she arrives at the office with her security detail to find Kurt and that girl from Spring Awakening! Why?
Because Kurt uses Carrie Bradshaw’s favorite word, “makeover”!
Thus we segue into “You’re Never Fully Dressed Without a Smile/The Way You Look Tonight” makeover sequence, which involves heaps of giant puffalump dresses and lots of running around while touching clothing. It’s like a cotton commercial! Also this is important because Carrie Bradshaw played Annie and “You’re Never Fully Dressed Without a Smile” is from Annie.
Unfortunately, Kurt is dressed like the ’80s throwing up on the ’50s.
Cut to the next night, maybe, at The Set of RENT: Bushwick! where Kurt’s video-chatting his laddy love back in Lima and you can just feel that Kurt’s gonna sink chin-deep into a swamp of self-absorption at some point during this convo.
Blaine: “You’re hanging out with fashion goddess Isabelle Wright and I’m running for student body president with a stripper.”
Kurt: “Oh yeah I forgot about that, how’s it going?”
Blaine: “It’s going okay. But um, I did want to ask you what bowtie you think I should wear for tomorrow’s date. I have narrowed it down to five, but mainly I have…”
Kurt: [dismissive] “Bow ties are your signature, whatever you choose you’re gonna look great in.”
There’s chaos on Kurt’s end and he’s distracted by Rachel for a moment as Blaine waits, alone and wearing a plaid bathrobe in his bedroom in Nowhere, Ohio, wishing his boyfriend would treat Blaine more like his boyfriend and less like his press secretary. As Kurt rattles on about turtlenecks and Chloe Sevingy and whatever whatever his video bla bla bla, Blaine’s Face of Despondence sinks to the lowest league of the sea, where it hangs out waiting for the scene to end and become a different scene.
Thus we travel back to The Glorious Midwest, where Will is talking about himself, and then we all die of boredom! Then we all come back to life and shuffle into the sparsely occupied McKinley High School Gymnasium for The Debate. Sam advises Blaine to ditch the bowtie ’cause it makes him look like Orville Reddenbacher but tiny and gay and Blaine does and he looks good!
You know what else looks good? DONUTS!
Sue introduces the “pimp and the gimp” for the Vice-Presidential Cook-Off and opens by asking them, “who in God’s name gives a hot wet steamy dump about student government?” to which I say NOT ME!!! Then Artie rambles forever about active student bodies, after-school programs, the cafeteria, bla bla bla, and Sue takes a question from twitter (hahaha!) for Sam, and that question is, “are you ashamed of being a stripper?” And the answer to that question is no, he’s not.
The crowd goes wild! Then it’s time for the Presidential candidates to duke it out. Blaine opens be reiterating that Brittany didn’t do anything during her term and laying down the law re: hair gel.
Blaine: “Telling anyone what they can or cannot put into their hair is disgusting. It’s the first step towards tyranny my friends. Next thing you know, they’ll start burning books. And then they’ll probably start burning people, too.”
Then Brittany tells everyone she loves high school so much that if she was president, she would make school year-round!
Brittany: “If you make me your president, Saturday and Sunday will be illegal so that Monday will come right after Friday which is the funnest day anyways!”
As we’ve established, “school” for Brittany involves zero homework, all your friends being there all the time, free lunch and complementary storage. Unfortunately the electorate’s experience of “school” is dismal and involves doing work, dodging rock-salt assault and scavenging for tater tots, so basically Brittany is gonna lose and everything on this show is arbitrary all the time.
I feel like my lack of enthusiasm for this program is influencing the quality of this recap. I don’t care about any of these things or characters and I can’t pretend like I do! I don’t hate it, either, or have any deep personal investment in it or a deep personal investment in hating it (like The Real L Word), it’s just like, whatever, let’s watch BLUES CLUES.
Starsweep to New York City, home of Tasti-D-Lite and the Statue of Liberty, where Kurt’s summoned to Carrie Bradshaw’s office for feedback on the Music Video Paying Tribute to Cutting-Edge Fashions he threw together last week during the Break-In Makeover!
Well — are you sitting down for this? Anna loves it! You know Anna. Anna Wintour!
Carrie Bradshaw says, “I had an instinct about you Kurt Hummel, and so far it’s proven to be correct. I feel like we’re real kindred spirits, don’t you?” and Kurt is like “TOTES” and he calls her a fairy godmother. Based on their two days of love/cheer, Carrie Bradshaw decides Kurt should really reconsider NYADA and focus on FASHION.
Elsewhere in the fabulous town of New York, New York, Rachel is meeting up with The Dude at the dance studio so he can see her hot haircut and leotard situation.
Intoxicated by one another’s mutual attractiveness, the duo embark upon a very enthusiastic cover of a terrible, terrible, terrible song. It’s called “A Change Would Do You Good” and I swear on my hamster Picky-Picky’s grave that it was in a commercial and that’s why I hate it. But I can’t find anything on the entire internet about it being in a commercial! Maybe it was on the soundtrack at GapKids when I worked there or something. Sheryl Crow’s got way better songs. Jesus I hate this song.
At the scene’s breathy, close-mouthed conclusion, Rachel asks:
Rachel: “What are you doing tomorrow night? I wanna cook you dinner.”
I hope it’s Grilled Soy Cheese!
Thus we teleport back to the rolling valleys of Ohio, the state I will be in next Thursday when the next episode of Glee is on! It’s time to announce who won Student Council President! Unfortunately Becky’s unable to even summon enough enthusiasm to bang the xylophone.
SPOILER ALERT: Blaine won!
Sugar: “Make some noise. We know him!”
Cut to the giant election-winning party!
Artie’s not too bummed about losing ’cause he already got what he wanted — Sugar asked him on a date to go horseback riding, which’ll be interesting. Artie asks Blaine if Kurt is SO EXCITED about the win and Blaine lies and says Kurt’s way excited and is totally planning a big inaugural ball.
After Artie exits the screen, Blaine tries calling Kurt but Kurt’s at a work thing with SJP and other fancy-dressed people so he denies the call, which’s supposed to be super-meaningful, as if boys who are truly in love answer their cellphones at work. Blaine should text!
Back at the Election Celebration Party, Sam checks in with his running mate.
Sam: “There’s the man of the hour. You all right?”
Blaine: “You know it didn’t hit me until right now: I came to McKinley for Kurt — that’s it. And now he’s gone, and even with Glee Club I just… I feel really, really… alone.”
Sam: “You’re kinda killing my party buzz, Bro.”
Blaine: “I’m sorry, it’s just that I did all fo this for him, I did all of this for him. And now he’s not here. And so it just kind of feels like none of it matters.”
Sam: “Of course it matters, you’re McKinley’s first gay guy president.”
Blaine: “Nobody cares about that.”
Sam: “Look, before you, Kurt was the first gay kid I met. don’t get me wrong, he’s great, but I just don’t really get his Bravo jokes ir the fashion thing or Broadway. You and me, it’s different, you know? Never had a gaybro before. We’d be like Wolverine and Cyclops, you know, show people how we’re cool with each other. And if you ask me, that’s what matters.”
Oh my God Sam is such a friendslut this season! Then Brittany comes over and Sam cozies up to her like somebody who might steal her from Santana in which case I would die.
Sam tells Brittany that he voted for her, which is stupid, and says other words Brittany enjoys:
Brittany: “I don’t know how you did it. You just always know exactly the right thing to say.”
Cut to New York, New York, home of the bike messenger who ran over my foot on 46th street right after I’d bought a piping hot cup of Tuscan White Bean soup and a Peppermint Mocha, where Rachel Berry, World’s Most Inconsistent Vegan, is attempting to prepare a romantic dead animal feast for That Dude.
Before Rachel can go out back, slaughter another helpless plumped-up bird and drop it into a saucepan, Brody shows up! With flowers!
I’d like to link to the TV Trope page on “Independent Women Can’t Cook,” but apparently they’re still working that one out. Thus, over piping hot slices of non-vegan pizza, the happy not-couple exchange banter regarding “things nobody knows about me” and it’s supposed to be hilarious but is definitely not hilarious or interesting. That Dude was obsessed with Ace of Base and Rachel grammatically corrected a love note she received in elementary school. HAHAHAHAH!
Rachel: “I’ve never told anybody that before, not even Finn.”
Then they start kissing…
…but then there’s a knock at the Brian Kinney Door. WHO’S AT THE DOOR??!!
Is it Jesse St. James?
No, it’s not that guy. Perhaps Quinn is using that monumentally expensive Rail pass to ride all the way to New York from New Haven for a little cunnilingus?
Oh whoops, I forgot that this show never wants to give me any lesbo-action. Dammit. Well, maybe Rachel’s right and it’s just Kurt, who maybe lost his key or whatever?
No, it’s not St. Gay of Lima. Hm. Oh, I know! It’s that girl from that show everybody’s always talking about!
Oh, never mind, I guess it’s not Honey Boo Boo. Perhaps Murphy heard my wails of pain and despair and has brought in Santana for a little last-scene hanky-panky?
Okay if it’s not Santana, maybe it’s a desperate man hunting for last-minute support from absentee voters in swing states?
Okay, I give up, it must be a potato sack delivery from overstock.com!
Womp WOMP.
Who will Rachel choose? The boring guy behind her or the boring guy in front of her?!! Tune in next week to find out in an episode entitled “The Break-Up,” which sounds really promising! Santana will be singing “Mine,” by Taylor Swift.
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Ohhhh Glee creators, when will you learn. Having SJP sing with Lea and Chris is like having Corey dance near Heather or Harry. You’re just asking for my ears and eyes to bleed.
Romney sure knows how to pick those indecisive swing voters, huh? Because who loves a rich misogynistic gay-bashing mormon better than a broke Jewish girl and a gay guy living in that oh-so-Conservative heartland of NYC!
Well I feel like Rachel and Kurt are probably voting absentee ballot, in order to make their vote count the best, and OH is a swing state.
Still, seriously, the RNC should know better than to ask them, pretty sure their votes are not “in play” this election. Just like how the Republican politicians going door-to-door when my family lived in Michigan knew to skip our house because of my parents’ long Democratic voting record + history of trolling the pants off of our Republican neighborhoods with stuff like a life-size, cardboard John Kerry during the ’04 election.
things:
1. I liked this episode
2. I loved SJP (who didn’t? raise your hand so i can shake my head at you)
3. I think that Tegan and Sara tribute episode should happen sooner than later
4. I was greatly displeased by the obvious Brittany/Sam foreshadowing :(
5. New York Post-Makeover Rachel Berry = Lea Michele. And Lea has dropped veganism, so…
6. Oh my GOD ‘Mine’ is SO cute sung by Naya that I’ve allowed myself to listen to it despite being a Taylor Swift song!
Also I will never ever ever get tired of the ‘who’s at the door?’ montages. Ever!
“A Very Potter Musical”
best caption ever!!!!!
“potato sack delivery from overstock.com!” dutifully logged in my file of “fantastic euphemisms for Cory Monteith.” Thank you for that gem.
As always – stellar recap, hysterical captions. :)
yeah, how is Treme the easiest go-to joke for hate watching? i know they can’t use Glee, but still.
my theory is that ryan murphy is jealous that david simon is such a good storyteller and so this is his passive-aggressive retaliation? i’m not sure. i can’t imagine hate-watching treme, of all things.
There was a dig at Treme on The New Normal too
Did a little research and it looks like David Simon said Treme was “like Glee for black people” one time. I don’t know why I need this in my mindspace, but there it is.
http://www.nola.com/treme-hbo/index.ssf/2012/09/treme_referenced_in_two_ryan_m.html
The title of the next episode better have NOTHING to do with Brittana, or I will flip my television onto the ground and curse Ryan Murphy with all my show choir lovin heart.
That one second of Neil Patrick Harris was better than every second of all of Glee has ever been.
Unfortunately, even the epitome of perfection NPH cannot bring back those terrible, wasted hours of my life.
Epitome of perfection? I used to like him but his Amy Winehouse corpse Halloween prank turned me right off him.
Riese, I am SO glad you talked about the whole Rachel Berry vegan thing! I spent a good amount of time today googling variations of that because WHY IS THIS A THING NO ONE IS NOTICING?!
Great recap, as always!
My soul went dead during A Change Will Do You Good. Thanks for resuscitating it a little with that “he forgot there was a flesh-eating wolf on his chest” business.
I want to keep loving this show. I don’t think that’s going to happen.
I don’t care about the new characters or about the Lima half of the show (With the exception of Brit) and the NYC storyline is just mediocre.
Now that Glee is on at the same time as Grey’s Anatomy I don’t watch it “live” anymore but after this start of the season I am seriously considering cancelling it from my DVR too…
1. “Landing strip” nearly had me doing a spit take.
2. Kurt photoshopped into SJP gave me flashbacks to Steve Buscemi eyes, so thanks for that.
3. The caption of Brittany raising her hand had me doing an actual spit take (I really shouldn’t drink things while reading these recaps).
4. Someone needs to send Ryan Murphy all of those episode ideas, preferably the Tegan and Sara one first.
5. All recaps should have “Who’s at the door?” montages.
Yeah I’m pretty sure Artie meant PSAT because 210 is actually a really good score on the PSAT.
But why is he talking about the PSAT as a senior? That’s something you take preferably in sophomore year (if you want to be eligible to be a National Merit Scholar), and if not that in junior year. Dude should be getting ready for the actual SATs.
I guess this goes with how the Glee universe seems to do all the college-admissions shit on a delayed schedule compared to the real world.
YEAH THIS. Sophomore year for the PSAT. This is important. And it stands for “preliminary” not “practice” I GOT REALLY MAD AT THIS.
I am really good at one thing, and that is standardized testing, so I know these things.
SPOILER ALERT!!!!!
I have heard that there are two break-ups in “The Break-Up” next week and one of them is for-sure Finchel, but also the other one could be Wemma (don’t care), Klaine (might be a little sad) or Brittana (noooooo!) But apparently Santana sings a love song to Brittany so I don’t think it’s the last one.
Why does Finchel need to break up again? Didn’t they already break up at the end of season 3 when he “set her free”? By that logic, it could be Will and Terri breaking up.
I keep getting confused as to why Rachel is always referring to him as her boyfriend and not her ex-boyfriend… they haven’t even spoken in over 2 months, doesn’t that typically mean a couple is no longer together? Particularly a couple that includes an 18 year old potato sack?
THIS
I think Rachel is one of the delusional types about this (at least, Rachel in the current canon, I don’t know if old!Rachel would be that).
I think from what I’ve heard that this is the definitive, forever break-up, not just another temporary one that’s going to be “solved” at the end of the series or whatever.
Then again, though, this is Ryan Murphy, he said in Season 2 he would keep Finchel together so he could focus on other couples and look what happened. They change their mind frequently.
Ryan Murphy’s only sense of continuity is that yellow hat.
why oh why did I watch this episode.
I do appreciate the time and effort you put into these recaps. Alas, I skip all parts with new cast, all parts in NYC, all parts involving the “adults” in the show. I did laugh at the manip with Kurt’s head on SJP’s body.
I wish I could turn back time a year and NOT order season 1 and 2 DVDs. I believed, from those, Brittana would get decent treatment season 3. I put aside my disinterest in a show set in a high school and started to watch last year. The last episode I TRIED to watch in its entirety was On My Way. That was such a craphash, I only viewed clips from then on. I’ve yet to watch even a clip from S4. In another week, I may not even need to read recaps!
All those episode ideas are better than what they’ve been doing. Especially the Tegan and Sara one, and the magic episode. It could be the Halloween themed episode!
Things about the episode:
1)Ughh Brittney you would be so likable if you didn’t say racist and just really offensive things.. (Also when will the talk about Brittney having a learning disability? Like Seriously.)
2)Also wasn’t Sam with Mercedes? Aren’t they doing the long distance thing? But we will probably never know because Glee hates POC’s
3)Still wondering when they will learn that no one should be the new Rachel and share the bloody spotlight.
4) Also why is will still here?
Every time I watch Glee a piece of my soul dies. And that’s why I watch it. I want my soul to die so I stop having feelings so I stop being annoyed and frustrated at things like stupid TV shows and psychopathic roommates.
Also, handicapable is the stupidest word in the world, and I *am* part robot.
P.S. Celebrity Skin should never be reinterpreted as a pop song. Never.
Wow. I had a lot of feelings about this episode.
I never noticed Rachel/duck and pizza until you pointed it out and now I’m furious at myself! Gah, these writers!
I’m in a bit of a conundrum because I think Lea Michele is fucking hot so I enjoy Rachel’s sexy new look (which is basically just Lea) and watching her run in slow motion eating ice cream, BUT I feel sad that they’re taking away all of Rachel’s dorky/insane/adorable idiosyncrasies and shaping her into someone who fits the mould.
Also Brody sucks. Like I hate Finn as much as any other lesbian, but Brody is a two-dimensional cliché of a character with no personality and whose only function is to deliver cheesy lines?? This is such lazy storytelling. YAWN.
WHERE IS QUINN. Why has nobody even mentioned her? Even Mercedes got a brief mention in episode one. Maybe this means she’ll make a surprise appearance sooner rather than later?
Don’t shoot me, but I kind of like the thought of Brittany with Sam . . . only because I think that as funny as she is, Brit is a pretty ridiculous character who the writers treat like an intellectually disabled child. IMO Santana can do much better and now that she’s sans closet I want to see her with someone new.
P.S. Riese, I’m intrigued behind the song choice of ‘City Girl’ for Rach and Quinn…
completely agree on the britanna front
well I thought this episode was kind of boring. I’m expecting Brittany to get with Sam, it just makes sense. I never thought she really loved Santana, she just wants a friend and someone to watch out for her. I’d like to see Santana try and navigate dating new people, but she already doesn’t get any screen time, so I don’t think it would go up after she lost a connection to the main group. unless… she moved to new york! Santana is really the only character I care about outside of the group as a whole.
where did the funny alt texts go? I always hover my mouse over the pics, even though I’m so rarely rewarded.
I’m just really worried about if Brittany dates a guy, it’s going to be used as some way to act like her bisexuality isn’t real at all. I mean, they’ve consistently refused to refer to her as “bisexual” (using terms like “bicurious” instead) and acted like somehow the fact that she identifies as bi rather than gay means she’s magically immune to homophobic bullying even when she’s in a RELATIONSHIP with another girl and the whole school knows.
I also think looking back to, say, early Season 2, it’s hard to say Brittany didn’t have feelings for Santana. I just think the show wasn’t very good at following up on them. That’s just my interpretation though! Glee is all over the place, I think any interpretation is valid.
Maybe I’m just blinded by Lea Michele’s legs/hair/everything but I like the NYC half of this season a lot so far. Yeah, much of it is completely ridiculous, but I like it anyway. I think I’m easily amused. Like, SJP singing was pretty bad, but the fact that she was singing from Annie made me LOL.
Also this season is making me realize more and more how much I love Rachel Berry/Lea Michele. I could watch her running around various NYC landmarks in those little shorts while singing mediocre pop songs for 42 minutes and be perfectly entertained. I also vote that every episode contain a Rachel Berry domestic mishap, b/c her pouring the wine into the glass before throwing it onto the fire was priceless.
I would watch a show where Rachel/Lea just ran around singing and attempting to cook things all the time. Why is that not an option for my TV? Eventually my remote control will be advanced enough to punch a few buttons and say “just give me this show.” Quinn would be in there, too, though. She could just be sitting at the table enjoying the glass of wine while Rachel sang to her.
And I loved the SJP song too – I just wish they hadn’t tried to shoehorn that into a plot. Why couldn’t SJP just invite Kurt to check out the Vogue closet because of fun?
Since they don’t ever actually make sense, I wish they would just not bother to try.
also riese’s ideas for theme’s were excellent, someone tell ryan murphy.
also I find brody insanely boring. I’ve never been a big faberry shipper, but I have to say quinn seems like the only interesting possible relationship choice left for rachel, outside of introducing new characters, which can be hard.
But at least Brody is good-looking enough that you can sort of see him as being a boring but hot dude that she just has a temporary fling with and dumps when she gets bored of him.
Finn? Yeah…not so much. Or at least, I don’t understand the sex appeal of oversized potato sacks but, whatever Rachel, you do you?
Riese, your theme ideas are brilliant but just re-highlighted my angst knowing there will never be another chance for a Faberry song. I solemnly thank you for acknowledging them.
The Faberrys singing somewhere out there is my absolute favorite of all of Riese’s theme ideas. Send it to Ryan Murphy immediately so he can pass it off as a stupid girl idea and get back to the mens doing mansplainy things on the show I refuse to even hate watch any more. However.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l_iRdgGZ6Xc
I dare anyone to watch this and not cry.
So who is Fievel and who is Tanya? My vote is for Quinn as Tanya.
I am apparently alone in this, but I felt like there was something a little sexist about SJP’s character. She’s an experienced, talented women with a great job, and yet she has to lean heavily on an 18 year old intern for emotional support? She is such a push over that she doesn’t even reprimand Kurt for breaking into the couture vault without permission? There is, of course, nothing wrong with having flawed female characters. Every character needs some flaws in order to be remotely interesting (see Brody and Marley). However, there seems to be a pattern on Glee of female characters being pathetic and/or mentally unstable (Emma, Coach Beist, Quinn, Cassandra July, Isabelle Wright, Brittney, even Rachel at times) in a way that the male characters are not.
I was thinking the other day about how they don’t have a single remotely stable woman on the show. weird.
ok, peeps, you gotta help me out on this:
WHO IS SHE? WHERE DO I KNOW HER FROM?
i’m 100% certain i’ve seen her before somewhere…
and in relevant news: WHEN IS SANTANA FINALLY COMING BACK?!?! i swear, i am not watching glee again till she shows up. and no, reading AE’s recaps is not cheating.
ok, somehow the image didn’t get displayed…
THIS IS THE LADY I’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR:
Erica from A-Camp???
It looks like her name is Alissa Geraghty, she’s a fashion model.
As soon as I saw this episode I was just waiting for a “who’s at the door” montage.
THANKS FOR MAKING MY DREAMS COME TRUE! <3
I don’t watch this show, but I wouldn’t miss a Riese recap, for THAT IS HOW ALL THIS BEGAN.
And Riese! You didn’t disappoint!
I recommend Kaiser, will set you back about $250-300 a month. YOU MUST USE NEW BUDGET AND GET INSURANCE DO YOU HEAR ME RIESE.
Sorry for caps, but we want you and yours to be taken care of!
I am wearing the same hoodie that Finn is wearing. This is not good for my self-esteem.
I couldn’t stop giggling at the picture of Carrie Bradshaw, ’cause it just reminded me of ‘pretty fucking feminine!’ from a scene from one of my favourite sitcom’s Smack The Pony.
You’ll understand when you see this ;)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ckKepPE9kLI
Can someone please slap Blaine with a cold, hard, wet fish? The hair gel comment was seriously moronic.