This week’s Glee episode was entitled “Blame it on the Alcohol.” I had nearly vomited for the 45,667th time when I focused my hungover eyes on the episode title area of my computer screen circa Too Early O’Clock with vague intentions of a) Recapping Glee, b) Recapping Pretty Little Liars, c) Sticking my head in the oven, d) Cleaning the oven and THEN sticking my head in the oven.

Blame it on the Alcohol?

I almost thought Hulu was punking me, but it turns out not EVERYTHING is about me (although, as I’ll explain shortly, it is, because we are all connected, like as a human family etc).

See, typically I view Glee on Tuesday night via an illegal pirating site to gather my preliminary thoughts/feelings. But not this Tuesday night. On Tuesday February 22nd I was drunk and vomiting while imploring my sleepover buddy to play me songs on her guitar, which she did, because she’s gay, and so am I, just like Blaine at the end of this episode and Brittany in my imagination.

In any event, I blame the lateness of this recap on — you know — the alcohol! FOR REAL.

Now that I’ve told you all that, let’s just address the elephant in the room: if you imagine the universe to be a jigsaw puzzle of a tiger’s face, then today it became clear to all of us that the tiger has eyes. THEN Obama made his announcement and the tiger had an ear. You follow? You will. The answers will be revealed to you in the Pyramids.

Oh, because I am too hungover to think (and also because the WordPress Media Library broke mid-cap, preventing me from uploading my own shit), I stole some photos from the tumblr Gleekstorm, and I thank them for their vulnerability and accessibility.

So! This week we all remembered that all these kids are over 21 ’cause bitches got drunksexy.

Much to the surprise of no one who has ever waited 45 minutes for a table at the Cracker Barrel in Lima, Ohio, this episode opens with the revelation that the children of McKinley High have been turning to the drink and getting drunkity-drunk-drunk. “Not wasted on learning, wasted on booze,” the principal tells Will, because bla bla the media glorifies drinking and markets alcohol to children. Have you ever had an alcoholic slushie? Don’t. Also, Will and Emma are friends and Sue Sylvester pushed a homo down the stairs and took over Glee coaching duty for rival school “Aural (Oral) Intensity.”

Puck saddles up to Rachel — who is wearing a dress with puppies on it — and suggests she throw a party ’cause her Dads are in the Stardust Theater on the Rosie Cruise listening to other Broadway actresses sing Mama Who Bore Me.

OH WAIT! Speaking of the universe being connected — Rachel’s Dads went on the Rosie Cruise, which made me SO jealous because the Rosie Cruise is essentially heaven, and also annoyed that we’re never gonna see the parents of this We R Family EVER; ALSO, Lea knows Rosie from Fiddler and later Rachel mentions playing “Celebrity” – which is a game Broadway people love to play for some reason, I think because it offers them a chance to talk and gesticulate while everybody looks at them and smiles. And where did I (yes, me again!) play “Celebrity” for the first time? On the Rosie Cruise, muthafunkas.

Rachel Berry has dug deep deep deep into her solar plexus and extracted a song about her headband, which she earnestly sings to Finn while doing this hair-strokey thing that makes him do that awkward smile thing and eventually he’s gotta break the news: her song sucks.

Luckily, Rachel’s got a plan to transition from “Little Princess” to “Natural Woman” (a la her new heroine Carole King) by getting drunk and making out with chicks. JK! Rachel wouldn’t do that.

In fact, NOBODY will do that on this show. COME ON MURPH SHOW US SOME MUFF-DIVING, it’s like L Word Season 4 up in here.

Oh right I was saying — Rachel’s going to drink to write songs, just like Lady Gaga. Thinking about whiskey right now makes me feel like Kurt Hummel in a Nazi foxhole in World War II, but I’m only saying that because of his outfit in the next scene.

Let the Rachel Berry Trainwreck Houseparty Extravaganza begin!

Rachel Berry’s sporting this Little House on the Prairie / Are There Mormon Underpants Under Dem Jeans get-up as she guides the children, with lunatic Stepford flair, into her homosexually decorated rec room which comes complete with a stage for her impromptu “performances for neighbors” and the “annual Oscar party.”

“Hey girlfriend,” Rachel says to Quinn, setting a thousand ‘shippers a-sailin’ into the Mirror-Blue Night. Santana’s autostraddling her mute boyfriend, aka Quinn’s ex-boyfriend, so Quinn’s having a terrible time. Rachel’s got drink tickets “to stop things from getting out of hand,” which kinda makes you want to hug her and I’m not just saying that because I think her dress would look better as a Snuggie.

When the crew threatens to ditch, Rachel laments, “How am I supposed to write ‘Both Sides Now’ if I Can’t Even Throw a Party.” I think you need to date Bob Dylan or something. Or anyone who’s not dumb as rocks.

Blaine, drunker than Darren Cris at the The Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone Wrap Party, wants to ride Finn’s big tall hobby horse into football heaven but Finn’s straight and sober. Not Kurt. Kurt is gay and sober and practicing the dance moves he’ll do if Mr. Shue ever makes them all ride wheelchairs again.

Santana’s got a dead animal wrapped around her Jem & the Holograms mini-dress, Puck’s sporting Lauren’s glasses, Artie’s dressed like Camilla the Chicken and Brittany is for all intents and purposes naked. Good party!

Rachel tells Finn she’d do ANYTHING for him which inspires him to introduce her to the “Archetypes of Drinking”:

A.

Finn: Exhibit A: Santana, the weepy, hysterical drunk.

Santana: You like her more than me! She’s blonde and awesome and so smart. Admit it. Just admit it!

+B.

Finn: Lauren Zizes and Quinn… the angry girl drunks.

Quinn: I can’t believe what you did to my body. I used to have abs!

Lauren: Who told you that hair style was cool? Geronimo?

+

C.

This is the best kind of drunk.

+

D.

Just kidding, this is the best kind of drunk.

Then there’s “the needy girl drunk,” Finn tells Rachel. “Hanging all over me, being overly lovey. It’s not cool.” Um? Something’s missing. Where is THE BI-CURIOUS DRUNK? And no, I’m not talking about Blaine.

Rachel leaps up and declares that it’s time for the World’s Shortest Game of Spin the Bottle, because it was playing Spin the Bottle with Herbie Hancock that inspired “The Circle Game.”

This would be a fantastic opportunity for Brittany and Santana to make out and also for me to stare at my screensaver for three minutes, like I just did, because I still feel terrible and blame it on the goose.

Instead, Rachel and Blaine kiss. “This is outstanding!” Kurt exclaims, which is funny. Their duet is spectacular for reasons including but not limited to the brief moment of the Bitch-of-a-Living hop:

In the party’s aftermath, New Directions feels terrible & hungover, and Artie is offering Bloody Marys. I always hate those motherfuckers with the Bloody Marys, what is wrong with you? I would rather sever my left arm, which is a different kind of Bloody Mary because my name is Marie and I would be bloody.

Tina: I need to close my locker and it’s gonna sound like a gunshot.
Mercedes: I have had the worst hangover since Saturday and it’s Monday.

Normally I’d say THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE GLEE YOU’RE STUPID, but it’s like 24 hours since I finished drinking and I still feel terrible, so who knows. Anyhow just like Rachel predicted, this naughty behavior inspires a great musical number that seems like something that would happen if Ryan Murphy adapted Less Than Zero to the stage.

It’s Sudafed episode redux and the kids have a full-fledged habit at this point. Also, they have never looked hotter than they look in this episode. Rachel, Brittany, Santana, Lauren, Quinn, Tina, Mercedes : I applaud your beauty.

Rachel: Mr. Shu, first of all that vest is very cute. You are all kinds of awesome. But maybe there are no songs about the dangers of drinking because there’s really none as long as you have a proper designated driver.. [To Mike]: Have I ever told you how great you are?

Mr. Shu: Driving drunk is dangerous. And have you ever heard about alcohol poisoning? It kills about 400 people a year.

They’ll spend tomorrow thinking of an anti-drinking song for the assembly. It’s just another ZANY day in Magic High, where “class” is an abstract concept, “Glee Club” meets at undetermined hours, Sue Sylvester roams the halls committing violent misdemeanors in a tracksuit, football is either always or never in season, and a magical band of dancing elves sits furiously creating costumes out of garbage bags and sequins for the children to wear on the stage.

Blaine and Kurt are out for the fifteenth mocachinno of their friendship – it’s like Central Perk or something – when Rachel calls (she’s at home in her pajamas drinking Lily Pulitzer wine out of a Strawberry Shortcake glass listening to Carole King) to ask Blaine out on a date. The exchange happens very quickly, which just shows how CONNECTED they are. Kurt laughs chuckles of jealousy and confusion.

Kurt: Wait a second — why’d you say yes? You can’t lead her on.
Blaine: Who says I’m leading her on?
Kurt: You can’t be serious.
Blaine: When we kissed, it felt good.
Kurt: It felt good because you were drunk.
Blaine: What’s the harm on going on one crummy little date?
Kurt: You’re GAY, Blaine.
Blaine: I thought I was, but I’ve never even had a boyfriend before. I mean isn’t this the time we’re supposed to be figuring this stuff out? Maybe I’m bi! I don’t know.
Kurt: “Bisexual” is a term that gay guys in high school use when they wanna hold hands with girls and feel like a normal person for a change.

Wait — did you hear what I just heard? That was the door to my heart slamming shut to Kurt. It takes a lot for me to hate a gay character not written by Ilene Chaiken. I’m sorry Chris Colfer, you seem awesome even though you won’t give us an interview, but Kurt — you and me are dunzies.

Blaine: Why are you so angry?
Kurt: Because I look up to you. I admire you for how proud you are of who you are. I know what it’s like to be in the closet and here you are about to tiptoe back in!
Blaine: I’m really sorry if this hurts your feelings or your pride or whatever, but however confusing it might be to you, it’s actually more confusing for me. You’re 100% sure of who you are. Fantastic. Well, maybe we all can’t be so lucky.
Kurt: Yeah I’ve had a lot of luck, Blaine. I was really lucky to be chased out of high school by a bully who threatened to kill me.
Blaine: And why did he do that?
Kurt: Because he didn’t like who I was.
Blaine: Sort of exactly what you’re saying to me right now.

No it’s not.

Blaine: I am searching, okay? I am honestly just trying to figure out who I am and for YOU of all people to get down on me for that? I didn’t think I’d hear this from you. I’d say “bye” but I don’t wanna make you angry.

Kurt goes over to Rachel’s to help her clean up after the party they had LIKE FIVE YEARS AGO. Kurt asks Rachel about the date.

Rachel: The date was lovely, we saw Love Story at the revival theater, we even dressed up as the characters!
Kurt: That’s not gay at all. Did you kiss?
Rachel: No, our lips spent the evening mouthing Ali MacGraw’s dialogue. Frankly I did expect a little snog as the date drew to a close, but I guess the timing just wasn’t right.
Kurt: Or the blood alcohol level.
Rachel: Look, I know that you have feelings for him, and I’m sure you think I’m crazy for asking him out. But Blaine is obviously conflicted, and if he turns out not to be gay well then, I guess I will have done you a favor!
Kurt: And I’m doing YOU a favor by telling you that Blaine is the first in a long line of conflicted men that you will date that will later turn out to be the most flaming of homosexuals.
Rachel: Blaine and I have a LOT in common.
Kurt: A sentiment expressed by many a hag about many a gay. Look – I don’t doubt that you and Blaine would have a JOLLY good time shopping at Burberry and arguing over who would make the better Rum Tum Tugger — I don’t dispute that. But there’s something you and Blaine will never have, and that’s chemistry.
Rachel: Fine. Then I’m gonna prove you wrong. I’m gonna take the beer goggles off and kiss him and if the spark is still there I’m gonna take you down to the bakery for a piping hot slice of Humble Pie.

I want to vomit. That’s actually unrelated to the show. You guys. I don’t think I can drink anymore, but what can I do about the media glorifying alcohol, showing beer commercials during Nascar, marketing likker to tiny children and shoving its fist into my mouth except by “fist” I mean “beer bong”?

Actually TBH I find this whole Rachel-Blaine-Kurt thing to be really tedious and boring and I cannot even summon myself to feel any rage about it. If this was rock-paper-scissors, “nausea” would cover “rage.”

Kurt’s Dad is pissed that Kurt had a boy sleepover and Kurt wants Dad to know that they had all their clothes on. For some reason Kurt withholds the vital information that they did not make out or anything. Why? I have no idea. There must be a point in here somewhere, maybe it’s in the soufflé with the fancy eggs.

Kurt: It’s not being gay that upsets you, it’s just me acting on it.
Dad: I don’t know what two guys do when they’re together. You know I sat through that whole Brokeback Mountain, and from what I know something went down in the tent.

Oh good, I’m glad we’re dedicating twenty seconds of this episode to a really common problem with how people think about gay people (that somehow because gaysex is a mystery, it’s offensive and therefore not allowed) even though it has NO relation whatsoever to the very reasonable request of a parent that nobody of the gender-you-are-attracted-to can sleep over without permission.

Kurt: I won’t have sleepovers without anyone that might be gay without asking you first.

Good thing that Blaine is bi now! Also though, here’s the thing about high school: sometimes you don’t have the gay revelation until the sleepover is already underway. You hear me? YOU HEAR ME LADIES.

Kurt tells Dad to educate himself so that he can talk to him like straight sons can.

But Dad just said that he watched Brokeback Mountain and that’s the only gay movie ever ever ever to ever happen in the history of movies and look what happened to those boys? One of them died, and the other one had to fake-date Taylor Swift. 

Got it Dad? You better join up Grindr and get learning so that you can have graphic sexual discussions with your child, just like straight sons and straight fathers are doing all over the country right this minute. I hate this scene. The man is making brunch in an apron, for crying out loud.

Rachel practices her French in the Eternal Coffee Shop and not only does it make Blaine say “oh my god, I’m gay, thank you for clearing that up for me” and then run to the bathroom to jerk off thinking about that guy from The Gap, but he completely loses interest in his coffee order. I’m sure Kurt knows it.

Rachel is thrilled because now she has experienced the pain necessary to write a song. It’s going to be called U R So Gay But You Don’t Even Like Me.

The principal gets all the zingers this episode ’cause he says Ke$ha how Ke$ha is supposed to be said — actually seriously as I type this I am feeling nauseous just thinking about Ke$ha. I look into her eyes and think “somebody get a bucket.”

At the final assembly, the kids drink jungle juice, which is probably how Ke$ha became Ke$ha (well that and a bucket of to’up glitterbombs), and throw up gray paint onto each other. This miracle of nature/special effects is heralded as an effective anti-alcohol message (DUH) and Sue does something insane to Will that is really just so stupid that as a writer I feel it’s my duty not to encourage this kind of thing by telling you about it.

More importantly, Heather Morris (who plays Brittany) dances in an off-the-shoulder paint-splattered t-shirt and Daisy Duke cutoffs and cowboy boots and everyone is acting super sexified — hereby marking the first (and probably ONLY) time in my life I’ll ever, ever, EVER be able to tolerate a Ke$ha situation.

In the end they have a somewhat mature and honest conversation about alcohol and we all sign pledge forms to not drink until after sectionals. I think I will sign it too.

Quin: There’s a fair amount of pot calling the kettle black in that statement.
Brittany [whispers]: Oh my god that’s so racist.

Ultimately I feel satisfied by this episode.

The moral of this story, and also of this recap, is that drinking is super fun, but also sometimes bad. That’s right my little cabbage patch kids, just because you CAN drink a quarter-bottle of whiskey in one sitting doesn’t mean you SHOULD.

I was gonna try and write a thing about how I have a lot of feelings about how much I enjoy seeing a super-butch heterosexual football coach and a sassy smart stylin’ fat chick on my teevee. I have a lot of issues with how Beastie and Lauren’s characters have been handled sometimes. But really, come on: I think if we can agree on one thing, it’s that in general this show does not know how to handle its shit. But then again, this:

Anyhow now I’m not, because I still feel like shit. DON’T DRINK YOU GUYS. It’s bad for you. It’s bad for all of us. (UPDATE: Just smoked a joint and feel slightly better)