Ever since I found out about French Girl, I’ve been calling it the Zach Braff biphobia movie. As in, should I get high and watch the Zach Braff biphobia? The answer from my fellow editors was a resounding, yes. So here I am high ready to apply the same critical lens I previously gifted to Saving the Gorillas: Ellen’s Next Adventure and A Holiday I Do.
For anyone who hasn’t seen French Girl/is not planning to see French Girl the basic premise is Zach Braff plays a man named Gordon Kinski who is a dorky 8th grade English teacher with a beautiful Québécois professional chef girlfriend. The girlfriend’s name is Sophie-Jeanne Tremblay and she’s played by Evelyne Brochu who was gay on Orphan Black. Sophie gets offered the opportunity to audition(?) to be the head chef at a restaurant owned by celebrity chef Ruby Collins (Vanessa Hudgens) who happens to (secretly) be Sophie’s ex-girlfriend. Off to Québec City for the audition Sophie goes and Gordon tags along to meet her family and cause hijinks.
A few things:
1. We do not know for sure that Zach Braff’s ex Florence Pugh is bisexual.
2. Zach Braff didn’t even write this. It was written and directed by some guys named James A. Woods (no relation) and Nicolas Wright.
3. My distaste for Zach Braff as a concept because of Garden State is unfair because my first date with my first girlfriend was watching Garden State so quality aside I owe him… something.
4. It’s wrong to speculate about the lives and dispositions of celebrities.
One more thing:
1. Zach Braff is in a Québécois romcom about a guy who realizes his girlfriend is bisexual??????? I’m sorry I simply must laugh.
Allons-y !
This is produced by Elevation Pictures?? They had some really good movies at TIFF this year. If you like my high watches, you’ll love my serious criticism.
Gordon making his girlfriend shitty breakfast like a toddler on Mother’s Day. Sir, order in if you can’t cook don’t poison your beautiful girlfriend. AND she’s a professional chef! Why would you make your chef girlfriend food if you can’t cook??
This produce seller is hot. Going to keep a tab of characters I think Sophie-Jeanne Tremblay should be with over Gordon Kinski:
1 – fruit seller with the best heirloom tomatoes in-town
Oh wow Ruby Collins has already shown up. (That’s Vanessa Hudgens.)
2 – Ruby Collins
“Is that Billie Eilish?”
“Billy Shakespeare!”
Why do adults write teens like this?
Okay I do have a soft spot for a corny English teacher. Point for Gordon.
Supportive of career boyfriend, another point for Gordon.
Does he know she’s bisexual or is “find out about Ruby” also that?
Love this world where the chef is prepping for an audition by studying a textbook on the plane…?
He got a quaalude from his dad? Do quaaludes still exist??? Too stoned on a plane is kind of an overdone bit but I guess quaaludes add some pizazz.
Some casual ableism from her parents.
My girlfriend is Canadian but not French Canadian. So I feel like it was easier for me to meet their family.
This feels kind of like some sort of elaborate cucking fantasy. I guess every fetish deserves its own romcoms.
Sorry I couldn’t date someone whose sibling was a cop (or even was trying to become a cop) if my partner didn’t like… warn me about that and keep major distance.
I like that Gordon is a little faggy. Or at least that’s what they’re going for. I do think this movie would better with a gay lead actor. Lean in!
He just referred to the Obamas as POTUS and FLOTUS so minus a point for Gordon.
Why is this son wanting to be a cop subplot so dramatic? What is the tone of this…….
“I don’t have a shot” is a weird thing to say when your girlfriend asks if you’re crushing on someone. Even if you aren’t monogamous! (And the vibe is they are.) What does that even mean? What are you saying about your girlfriend if you think that? As far as I’m concerned, my girlfriend is the hottest person ever and therefore I have a shot with anyone? That’s my thinking at least.
Suggesting your girlfriend flirt with someone for a job because the potential employer is a lesbian is Not! Cool!
Not her making HIM breakfast in bed the morning she has her first audition day !
ORGASM QUEENS
Sorry just remembered you’re reading my thoughts not watching along with me. Gordon found a polaroid of the two women and it has “orgasm queens” on it written in sharpie. What a way to find out your girlfriend is bi!
It would be easier to take notes during these scenes if my French was better.
3 – chef from Chicago also auditioning for the job
Omg Ruby is YELLING at Sophie. Woah. Hot. But probably a sign this movie will not have them end up together. Even though I’m turned on.
Gordon says Sophie isn’t sapphic, she’s just French. And then his dad says pop the question before she switches teams again. Cooooool.
He’s going to help the brother pass his English exam and then they’ll like him and everyone will realize Ruby is mean and prefer Gordon. Boo.
I like that Vanessa Hudgens is mean because it’s hot but I don’t feel like the movie is appreciating that.
Oh now Ruby is apologizing.
I’m eating these incredible cookies they have at Canadian drug stores. They’re like golden Oreos but better and they have jam in the center??
“She looks like the future of the human race.” A little racism sprinkled in along with the biphobia.
Evelyne Brochu is too hot for him to be acting like Vanessa Hudgens is so much hotter than both of them!
Showing up to her place of work — she doesn’t even work there yet! — is unforgivable. -10 points for Gordon
How is there a scene at a women’s cage fight match but it has nothing to do with the queer women?
Gordon is not being very supportive of Sophie !! But also the movie is setting it up so we’re on his side. And it just results in a movie where everyone kind of sucks?
4 – redhead who gave Sophie her first sous chef job
If you’re an 8th grade teacher, why say you’re an academic? Don’t feel shame for something not worth feeling shame about and then people can’t shame you.
OMG no dont propose DUDE
Nothing like some dead body humor Jesus
This is getting tedious
What should I watch after this?
Zach Braff just has an extremely punchable face
A hunting scene SIGH I’m booooooored
Okay I did GASP when he kills the swan
God he’s insufferable.
5 – blonde TV producer
I feel like the other two chefs didn’t stand a chance in this audition.
THiS IS AWFUL. Just an unforgivable drunk speech in front of her whole family. Harper from Happiest Season looks like a perfect angel next to Gordon. There’s no world where these two should end up together after this!
My jaw is on the floor. He just accused her of trying to sleep her way to a Michelin star. But of course Ruby is gonna make a move and Sophie will be like omg he was right and then they’ll end up together as if that’s at all the issue.
I just can’t believe this movie came out this year instead of twenty years ago.
She’s being shamed by her family now for wanting this job??
“Women can’t have it all.” – Zach Braff (But really James. A Woods and Nicolas Wright)
The restaurant is already open?? I don’t think I understand what job she was up for.
Gordon’s dad is now encouraging him to make MORE of an ass of himself… what.
The guy from Mommy wiping his hands with savory mousse did get me I must admit.
Ruby is being predatory and insistent. It’s always shocking to me when something is offensive in a way that’s so dated. Like wow we’re really still doing this??
And the big celebratory moment is that the brother passed his English exam and can be a cop. My God. Wow and this other cop is the hero driving the family to catch Gordon.
He’s not pulling over?? This is so stupid.
The Zach Braff biphobia movie has turned out to be more like the Zach Braff homophobia/copaganda movie.
He’s teaching Québécois cops English at the end?? And the brother is now a cop with a cop girlfriend and they’re bragging about tasing someone? My God.
I can’t believe heterosexuality is winning AND state violence is winning.
So glad this is where Telefilm money is going.
My girlfriend just got home and asked if the women at least kissed so let me state plainly: No. Ruby leans in to kiss Sophie, Sophie pulls away, Ruby is creepy and insistent, and then Sophie PUNCHES HER IN THE FACE.
My moments of generosity vanished so quickly. If anything this movie has convinced me I should be meaner to Zach Braff. (And James A. Woods and Nicolas Wright whoever they are.)
French Girl is now streaming on Prime in the US and Crave in Canada.
