We all need a little help from our friends. Sometimes we need help because of our friends. Sometimes we need help because we have no friends. Sometimes we need help because of our girlfriend’s obnoxious friends, or because our girlfriend’s best friend is our ex-girlfriend, or because now our ex-girlfriends are friends, or our girlfriend’s mom wants to be friends with our mom, and also our mom’s girlfriend. Sometimes we need help because we are trapped inside a glass shower door, or possibly inside the house and we’re sad because it’s raining. Basically, we all need a lot of help. Where will it come from? OBVIOUSLY THE INTERNET. Which means you. Get to it!
20 Formspring Questions for You to Answer:
1. My straight friends will talk to me bout guys and I’ll give advice as ya know,a girl and a human. Then I talk bout girls and they’re always like, girls are crazy I duno I don’t date em no advice for you. Frustrating that the girl talk goes one way. Thoughts?
2. A really good friend is coming to visit me in a few weeks. I’m glad she’s coming to visit but feel like a bum because I’m horribly broke at the moment. I want to show her a good time w/o feeling guilty for being broke. Ideas? LA area.
3. Do you have any tips for existing in a small lesbian community with your (over a year old) ex when you both make each other visibly uncomfortable and it makes other people uncomfortable and also she won’t speak to you?
4. Friends first. Then crush. Turns out we both like girls. We live thousands of miles apart. She’s visiting soon. I’m dating someone, but this friend is…everything. Say anything?
5. So whenever we are having sex and my girlfriend is about to come she always like pulls away and then keeps doing me/starts doing me/whatever/everything but having an orgasm herself. WHY IS THIS AND WHAT DO I DO ABOUT IT. Ummmmmm. :/
6. My gf suggested that we showered together and i think it can be tender, but i’m not really sure of what I’m supposed to do…should I get in there and wash myself or maybe the idea is to wash her body (every part?) and her hair? what should I do in there?
7. I’m super excited about starting college in September and I really want to try making friends / meeting girls. But I’m a recluse. How should I go about changing my habits?
8. What do I do if I’m talking to someone, I like her she likes me but her feelings are much stronger than mine and I don’t know if I can give back the affection and attention she is giving me. I want things to work out but @ the same time I miss my ex :/…
9. I’m fifteen and I’m not out and in love with my best friend. This has been an ongoing thing for almost two years, I feel like it’s making me clingy and needy. Even though I don’t feel right when I’m not with her, I need to get over this. Any advice?
10. My best friend insists that she is straight but then every time she gets drunk she starts hitting on this girl we both know and saying that she really likes her. I shouldn’t be annoyed should I? But for some reason I am…
11. My asexual friend drunkenly came on to me again last night like she does often and she seems to enjoy it, just not sexually. Is it okay as long as she’s consenting/having her own kind of fun or do I need to feel guilty because we had sex again?
12. Is there any place in this world for a lesbian who isn’t a feminist? I read a lot about eighth wave feminism and I really dislike it. However people tend to, more than not, interpret this as me being hateful or brainwashed or whatever. What can I do?
13. My friend is engaged, but we fucked anyway. I have massive feelings for her and she says she has a crush on me too. Do I really have to let her go?
14. After eight months the sex has suddenly become mediocre at best. Is this a sign that it’s all over?
15. Help me find a short haircut that will not make my mom cry?!
16. I informed 8-10 friends about a bbq/grad party for which I made organic gluten-free pasta w/ lactose-free pesto; yet no one showed up, even those who had RSVP’ed. This always happens! How do I not be such a loser?
17. I’m very self conscious about my body, because of my boobs. I’m fit, and a lot of girls want to hook up with me, but my boobs are different sizes. And its very noticeable without a shirt. How can I date somebody if I’m afraid of her telling people?
18. I feel like it might be time to propose…I love her&it’s been like 2+ years, we’ve lived together for a year, her family&I get along great, etc..Only I also feel scary things like 22 is 2 young,I’ve never been with anyone but her&OMFG! thoughts/feelings?
19. I’ve just changed jobs from an awful boss to a really nice boss. but I still feel so tense about my job all the time. is this normal for new-dream-jobs? or should I maybe go see someone?
20. um, i feel like my gf doesn’t wipe very well after she pees or wash very well and sometimes it makes going down on her not so fun. her hygiene is fine otherwise, she’s just not thorough enough down there. how do i bring this up without embarrassing her?
Lots for you to think about. Take your time. As always, you’re more than welcome to send your questions to Riese, Rachel or Laneia.
5. IME, that pretty much always means that it’s hard for her to come (with people or in general) and that it’s gotten too intense for her, and she’d rather switch to doing you. Best thing you can do is let her make that call–she knows her body the best. WORST thing you can do is bug her about it. Not everyone orgasms, and not everyone orgasms with other people, and that is A-OK.
If she wants to try other things, she’ll work up to telling you eventually–but not if she feels pressured.
I agree. Don’t try to bug her about that. But that’s something you should talk about. And don’t wait for her to tell you if she wants to try other things, ask her. Once you talked about it, and it went nowhere, then you can wait for her to say something about it next time. Talking about it might get her to start thinking about it.
Number 5- Shit get’s sensitive sometimes. Sometimes it even hurts when you get that close. Be patient, talk to her, let her show you what she likes on herself. (which can be incredibly hot, for the record) Also, some girls don’t even like having orgasms. It’s true. A lot of the time they’d rather focus on you, it feels better for them, etc. So yeah, just talk to her. It might be really embarrassing for her to bring up herself. And don’t be confrontational about it either, that just makes it scary. Just say something like “I want to make you feel as good as you make me feel.” and see where it goes. And be nice. It’s a sensitive subject.
7. I think you should get involved and joined clubs. For me, it felt weird when I tried to join clubs with no real purpose — clubs that were social in nature — because I am so shy and hate small talk. Clubs with a purpose and a goal are the best. I joined the school paper, which I really enjoyed. Student government is another one I’d recommend. If you’re sporty, most def join a sports team. Definitely go to the orientation or whatever where all the clubs have their tables out and get all the info you can. You could even join a gay club! (I never could. It didn’t seem to have a real point at my school and it was overrun by a lot of weirdos. There was this girl who kept some guy on a leash in public on a choker around his neck… it was so fucking weird. Hopefully your gay group has some cool homos.)
17. They are boobs. They are inherently awesome. She wants boobs in her face. It’s fine. Have sex with the lights off only? Or only fuck people you trust aren’t assholes? I understand feeling self conscious, but I don’t think this is as big a deal as you think this is. She last week’s (two week’s ago?) where the girl was worried about her labia being different sizes. I think once someone is to the point of seeing boobs or labia, they are pumped about seeing boobs or labia, nahmean?
20. I think it’s only as awkward as you make it. If you make a huge production, sit her down, tell her you need to talk to her about something, etc. she will feel embarrassed. If you’re casual and are like, “Hey, there was totes toilet paper lint when I went down on you. If I’m gonna go do that, you need to be extra clean, okay babe? Cool.” It’ll be out there and over without being a big conversation. At least that’s how I’d approach it.
16. I would start by making the opposite of organic gluten-free pasta w/ lactose-free pesto which, I think, is probably BBQ Bacon Cheeseburgers.
Which, I might add, are practically foodgasms.
I KNEW I WAS NOT THE ONLY MEAT EATER ON THIS SITE! YES!
you beckoned?
We should start a secret society of meat eaters
Not so secret now, eh?
(The vegs are on to you.)
I initially misread that as ‘the vags are onto you’
Ron Swanson is our king.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zaa0le0W_ws
As an allergic person, I appreciate this pasta.
But I also appreciate a slab of meat on a plate, topped with other meat. (yeah, I had a bacon burger for dinner, WHAT OF IT).
17- boobs are great. They are all of the wonders of the world put together. If someone has gotten to the point where your shirt is off, the clothes arent going to go back on because your boobs are a bit wonky. I doubt it’s going to be a big deal. Boobs aren’t much of a dealbreaker. If you really feel like you have to tell them, maybe start having some sexy talk and casually bring it up, or maybe look at pictures of girls together (clothes on or off, doesnt matter) and point out their boobs and start a conversation about it.
The point is, if they run because of something that silly, they’re not worth it. Boobs are boobs and boobs are great. the end.
Seconded SO HARD. No one who gets to have access to your boobs will be anything but thrilled–and even if you DO manage to run into one of the tiny handful of assholes who are other than thrilled, you should count yourself lucky that they showed their assholery so early so you can DTMFA before you get attached.
6. I love this question, because I may be the only person in the entire world that hates shower sex. I mean, water runs in all over my face and in my eyes, the heat from the water makes it so I can’t breath, and I slip all over the place, so – be aware of all those mishaps. Anyway, I would be all for another woman washing me, and if you wanna make my life easier and shave my legs too, go for it! You should also give the whole sex thing a shot too, I may just be a prude.
1) Get some more gay friends. I suggest Autostraddle’s chat. Seriously.
6)You could do one of two things: If you’re super horny, fuck first, then wash each other lovingly and cutely as a way to wind down (the denouement). Or, you can use the washing as foreplay, get dirty, then resume cleaning each other.
18) Sloooowww dowwwnnnnn. I’m the same age, by the way, and I’ve been in a relationship for 6 years. We’ve lived together for one year, and marriage is in the future, but we agree that it’s not a necessity to get married. Since you seem to have the wedding-bug, just really really think it over: What will a marriage bring to the relationship that you don’t already have? If you’re already living together and your family is her family, then you’ve already got the perks of being married. What is missing, and is it really necessary to have now?
For the other questions… Yikes, I’m not comfortable with the fidelity issues because it triggers dark thoughts for myself and I don’t want to go there.
+18) This is also the only relationship I’ve ever been in, so I feel ya. It’s an awesome feeling never having been dumped and thinking “We’re going to be together forever!! We’ll have one of those fairy tale relationships!!” But seriously, approach the question from a mature and level-headed angle.
Also, super important – have you even talked about marriage? If not, then you need to bring that up hypothetically and non-committally. I know that surprise engagements are super romantic, but it’s better to have no surprise than to find out you’re not on the same page.
12. I’m going to assume “eighth wave” is a joke?
Second, here, read this.
For the record, I’ve dated women who refused to identify as feminists … and a lot of them turned out to be self-hating misogynists. So yeah. That’s a group I stay away from. (The rest, well, see post linked above. Good ideology, silly nomenclature objections.)
(This is all assuming that you’re not eg a womanist with serious concerns about the focus of mainstream feminism, which is not at all the vibe I get from your question, but that WOULD be a totally reasonable “not a feminist” identity.)
Yeah, last I checked, we were still in the third wave. I’m too tired to give real advice right now, I’m just confused as to where five other waves came from when I wasn’t looking.
seriously. I was so confused, I actually GOOGLED that shit just to make sure that I didn’t some how miss something in the last year.
Me, too!
And me!
By the way, the first paragraph of this article gave me a headache lol SO MUCH DRAMA!
14. Is it JUST the sex, and absolutely everything else is as glorious as it has always been? Then no, it’s not over. Talk about your fantasies, do some kinky shit you’re both interested in or at least willing to explore, maybe have a threesome–spice it up.
But I’m guessing that’s not the case, and other things feel off too. In which case it might be, and that’s okay; or it might be a rough patch. What does she think? Have you talked to her about it?
15. Go to a good salon and ask for a professional pixie cut, the kind everyone’s mom has (but maybe sliiiightly more fashion-forward). Then when you’re club-hopping, spike it up if you can, barette the bangs, throw some rainbow sprinkles in there. (I’m kidding about the sprinkles btdubs.)
13. Don’t do it to yourself! Reconsider! Don’t get sucked in to her I don’t know what I want drama. Eventually she WILL have to choose, if she doesn’t choose you imagine how you will feel.
But…. People told me not to do the same and i still did and don’t regret taking a chance soooo do what makes you happy and just realize you could get hurt in the end.
1. That is annoying! I think the best way to go about it would be to find queer friends will actually give you constructive advice. In the meantime, you can be petty like me and dish out the same thing they give you — “Oh, I don’t know, boys are so weird and unemotional and smell funny. Don’t know what to tell you!” You are probably more mature than I am.
7. Find other people who are shyly standing/sitting by themselves at orientation/the dining hall/whatever else. Sit next to them! They’ll be grateful and you’ll at least have company, even if you make your real friends on the rugby team in two weeks.
15. Google any straight celebrity that has recently had short hair (Emma Watson?) and show her that, if by “makes her cry” you mean that she’s afraid anyone with short hair is a flaming homodyke. If she just doesn’t like short hair, she can get over it! It’s your hair.
20. I don’t have any advice but I am really sorry that this situation is happening to you, ew ew ew. Maybe buy two boxes of those baby wipe type things and talk about how great they are and hand her one?
I totally told #15 to look up pics of Emma Watson too and had not noticed your comment. Nice to know I’m not the only one who thinks that’s a workable solution.
17. once while playing strip poker a guy friend brought up that ALL of his exes had uneven boobs. It’s not an unusual thing and as noted above boobs are just great and with you a girl gets variety, what’s not to like??
#2: Story of my life, girl.
There’s tons of free crap to do in LA. One of which is the beach, natch. Venice is always fun for people watching. The Getty is always free and parking is free after 5pm. I believe LACMA has a similar situation, but the Burton exhibit is up so that might be packed. I always have fun biking from Santa Monica to Hermosa. You could make a day of it and bring a picnic. You could go hiking…I’m partial to areas around Malibu. If she’s into touristy stuff, hit up the sign, the walk of fame, the tarpits, etc. You could drive up Mulholland for some awesome views of the city, but not during Carmageddon…don’t be a hero. Check out LAfreebie.com too. They have some decent suggestions on occasion. Have fun!
2. GETTY DEFINITELY. Also the Griffith observatory. And the hike up behind the Hollywood sign is pretty epic (I mean, physically it’s not hard, but it’s the sort of thing that makes you proud and sweet photo op).
19 – Niceness is a sign of weakness in a boss. Take advantage by taking extra time off to travel, and kiss the boss’s boss’s ass so that the next time anything goes wrong, you’re the obvious choice to replace them.
That’s terrible advice =\
For real.
Yeah, what the hell?
Srsly, I was scrolling down thinking, “Why is no one helping #19?” but . . . yeah.
#19? It’s going to be okay. Sometimes it takes a while to get comfortable on a job. Sometimes it takes longer than you think. But if your boss really is nice, you probably will start feeling better. If you really don’t, maybe look at other factors and try to figure out if something else is wrong.
13-SHE’S the one who has to make a choice, the most you can do is let her know (nicely) that you need her to decide and then step back.
So many of these questions made me sad.
#7: I know exactly how you feel, I was terrified to start college because I’d have to talk to strangers!! And share a tiny dorm room with one!!! But it got better. How I did it: Figure out something you like to do, and join a club to do that thing.
Make a goal to talk to someone new every day- even if it’s just a “hi” in the elevator. After a while graduate to talk about the weather or the prof’s monotone lecture or what you are doing at the weekend.
Go to the freshman orientation activities- 80% of those students are probably also scared shitless and desperate to make you their new friend. Listen to this playlist before you go out:
http://8tracks.com/autostraddle/get-off-the-couch-and-go-to-the-g-ddamn-party
Good luck!
11 — not trying to be snarky at all but doesn’t asexuality imply an absence of sexual desire? What would motivate an asexual person to come on to someone/how could they physically enjoy a sexual experience in a nonsexual way…? I can understand the emotional aspect, but if you’ve had sex with this person on multiple occasions it sounds to me like they’ve got some kind of sexual/romantic desire for you, especially if you’re not the one initiating it!
See, I think we need someone who ids as asexual to answer this one.
My understanding is that some asexual people do have sex for various personal reasons, but I can’t speak for that.
I think the best answer is to have a *very* sober talk about this.
I’m not asexual, but from what I understand from reading about it, there is a spectrum for degrees of asexual to sexual just as there are for gay to straight. It’s not a binary. So someone may not entirely lack sexual desire, it’s just significantly lower than the norm. Or they might find people hot but have no desire to go down on them. And so on and so forth.
16. You can’t promise a bbq and then serve pasta with pesto. I’d cry into my bowl of pesto. Neither pasta nor pesto can be barbequed. And they’re not key features in pulled pork sandwiches either. Pulled, pork and sandwich are all words that bring the girls to the yard. That’s a World Wide Guaranteed.
im already in your yard. good gawd pulledporksandwichesftw
mhmm. pork.
9. You should take all of the energy you spend thinking about your best friend and how much it sucks being fifteen and you should learn to play the guitar. And then you should write forty-seven songs about feeling clingy and weird. It will be really cathartic and it will create some space between you and your friend. Also, you will have accomplished like eight lesbian rites of passage at once.
Good luck!!
This is excellent advice. Write songs. Or poems. Or make paintings. Also, go fall in love with about fifteen other girls.
Totally. Best way to get over straight girls is songs + gay girls.
7. I’m super excited about starting college in September and I really want to try making friends / meeting girls. But I’m a recluse. How should I go about changing my habits?
As someone who couldn’t really (didn’t really want to) join clubs and organizations, I tended to make friends in my major-related classes. Like, creative writing classes or lit classes, I’d just talk a lot in class discussion, or I’d pick one interesting person and try to sit next to them and make little comments to them about the class. Basically, if you’re of the opinion that they’d be lucky to have you as a friend (if you’re confident in the “product” you’re selling, let’s say), then you can be engaging and funny and less afraid of fucking up. And even if you’re not confident in yourself, fake it and it will come eventually.
Also? Go places where there are booze. Everything’s a little easier with some social lubricant.
on the booze part- even if you’re not into drinking because of whatever reason, going to booze-related events and then just having a soda in a solo cup, or holding a beer and not drinking it all night, totally worthy icebreakers.
bonus, you get to see people when they’re drunk and you’ll know if they suck before getting to know them and being surprised later when they’re jerks while drunk.
#3 This one’s hard for me too.
BUT IT CAN BE DONE
My general approach is to deal with these things by exposure. It is possible to be in a not so rad exes presence and not make your friends feel totally weird about it. You can talk to people without actually having to talk to them, you know? I just force myself to breathe and make eye contact* and give a polite greeting and that’s it. If they’re in my circle of conversation, I give civil nods and no one has any idea there’s been beef.
Don’t avoid the situation because she won’t talk to you. If you keep your shit together and she handles it poorly it isn’t your problem. While it is good to do what you can to preserve harmony among your friends, you also deserve to continue having a life. Just don’t ask anyone to take sides.
*I usually have to take a shot to do this.
#17: Lesbians are notorious lovers of asymmetry.
YES! Just say you have “alternative lifestyle boobs.”
This is amazing.
This
16. I informed 8-10 friends about a bbq/grad party for which I made organic gluten-free pasta w/ lactose-free pesto; yet no one showed up, even those who had RSVP’ed. This always happens! How do I not be such a loser?
This sounds a little like me. I have in the past planned things and no one really came. It feels terrible. Worse than not getting invited to something and finding out later that it happened and no one told you.
I realized, as I got older that the issue wasn’t that I was a loser, it was that I was so scared of these things happening I almost willed them to happen, a self-fulfilling prophecy as is were. Here are some things that helped me.
1) Tell people about it early. Don’t wait till the last minute because your friends are great and their social calendars fill up with other people’s BBQs.
2) Remind people in a friendly way that the party is happening this weekend. Most people don’t write down parties in a planer. They honestly forget.
3) People don’t invite you to things when you don’t invite them to things. Clearly you invited them to your party, but it needs to be on the regular. Want to see that new movie? Want to get a beer on a Wednesday? If you are someone that they usually do stuff with they will invite you to stuff later.
I realize that number 3 pertains only to a problem that I had in the past, but these two problems were intertwined with me. I was kinda a lone wolf and needed to add more wolves to my wolf pack of one.
#4: I know how you feel. But unfortunately I can’t really offer advice since I’ve never truly been faced with the situation. Essentially, I have an old friend who lives very, very far away (like, in a different hemisphere) who likes girls, and who I would totally bed if given the opportunity. I always wonder when I’ll see her next, whether or not I’ll be in a relationship when it happens, and what the hell I’m going to do about it if I am. Because it’s one of those things where there exists the possibility that I’ve been in love with her since I was six years old.
Anyway, I admit this wasn’t particularly helpful, but I suppose now you know that you’re not alone…
I’m gonna answer all 20 i usually avoid this kinda stuff but i bored so here we go.
1. My straight friends will talk to me bout guys and I’ll give advice as ya know,a girl and a human. Then I talk bout girls and they’re always like, girls are crazy I duno I don’t date em no advice for you. Frustrating that the girl talk goes one way. Thoughts?
Well women are crazy and they should know because they are women. It honestly sounds like you need a Bro, you know a female buddy that also dates women you can talk to. I have bros and we give each other advice all the time. Also have you tried phrasing the question as a what would you do scenario. Like “if a guy asked you out would you expect him to pay?” I’m sure they could answer that in a second.
2. A really good friend is coming to visit me in a few weeks. I’m glad she’s coming to visit but feel like a bum because I’m horribly broke at the moment. I want to show her a good time w/o feeling guilty for being broke. Ideas? LA area.
Being broke sucks balls. : ( you know when I traveled to San Francisco for my first pride I didn’t spend a dime on a Saturday night. I just walked around town with people I met here and there. We jacked up our cokes (wink, wink) and walked the mission. I had a blast just talking and walking all night. A walking tour is not a horrible way to spend the evening and the bus is an adventure in itself.
3. Do you have any tips for existing in a small lesbian community with your (over a year old) ex when you both make each other visibly uncomfortable and it makes other people uncomfortable and also she won’t speak to you?
Honestly I would say at this point talk it out. If neither of you are going anywhere and this is your home you gotta work it out. Also it sounds like it ended on bad terms. I’m calling a mulligan on this one, only time will heal this. What I’m saying is if it ended on bad terms let it go if not work it out.
4. Friends first. Then crush. Turns out we both like girls. We live thousands of miles apart. She’s visiting soon. I’m dating someone, but this friend is…everything. Say anything?
Anything, JK…… I’d check in with your crush to make sure she feels the same before dropping your ahem current situation. If this is mutual than you would need to consider whether or not you want a long distance relationship and any relocation options before you commit. Time to think with you head the one above your shoulders to what getting with this “friend” would really mean.
5. So whenever we are having sex and my girlfriend is about to come she always like pulls away and then keeps doing me/starts doing me/whatever/everything but having an orgasm herself. WHY IS THIS AND WHAT DO I DO ABOUT IT. Ummmmmm. :/
Ask her… Also she might be a silent/quick cummer these people sadly are not rare but yeay you’re gonna have to ask her who knows she might be a squirter in hiding which would be awesome. : D
6. My gf suggested that we showered together and i think it can be tender, but i’m not really sure of what I’m supposed to do…should I get in there and wash myself or maybe the idea is to wash her body (every part?) and her hair? what should I do in there?
I showed with a girl once and she washed me I didn’t like it. Apparently I don’t like to be touched when I’m trying to bathe. Anyhoo I say jump in and give it a whirl. There’s definitely some mutual bathing going on so get ready for that and have fun.
7. I’m super excited about starting college in September and I really want to try making friends / meeting girls. But I’m a recluse. How should I go about changing my habits?
Volunteer it sounds hokey but it works also college dude so many groups and clubs and classes my gawd. You will have no problem meeting people seriously. Two things be yourself (you look awesome) and smile seriously your mom said it and it works. If you want some serious slick tips :
1. Keep a lighter on you even if you don’t smoke because women do and they need one. I’ve had hour long conversation with people after lighting a cigarette.
2. If you see someone doing, reading, eating something you like let them know. “hey your reading blank. I read it too it was fabulous what part are you on oh great hahaha whatever” turns out she had a girlfriend but I did it anyway. (This takes a lot of courage so practice on people you’re not really attracted to)
3. Take one class that is for you that has nothing to do with GPA or graduating but it’s something you really like. I took Japanese and I got date out of it. Sushi anyone?
8. What do I do if I’m talking to someone, I like her she likes me but her feelings are much stronger than mine and I don’t know if I can give back the affection and attention she is giving me. I want things to work out but @ the same time I miss my ex :/…
Tell her that, if she really cares about you she will understand if not you dodged a bullet. People need time to heal and it’s something anyone can understand.
9. I’m fifteen and I’m not out and in love with my best friend. This has been an ongoing thing for almost two years, I feel like it’s making me clingy and needy. Even though I don’t feel right when I’m not with her, I need to get over this. Any advice?
You are 15, those hormones are ragging the only cure for those ragging hormones I’m sad to say is time. You will think about her all day, every day, even during “gentlemen’s time” but you must move on. The faster you move on the less it will hurt when you see her with someone else because that my friend is a bitch.
Especially if you know for a fact said friend is straight. Honestly I fixated on celebrities and women way out of my league until I met a girl my own age that was attainable.
10. My best friend insists that she is straight but then every time she gets drunk she starts hitting on this girl we both know and saying that she really likes her. I shouldn’t be annoyed should I? But for some reason I am…
Well you’re annoyed because it’s an intrusion on your gay space. Also you’re probably feeling some empathy towards the woman your friend is hitting on. Basically it’s like watching your friend mess with a handicap kid. It’s not a nice thing to do and that’s what’s upsetting you.
11. My asexual friend drunkenly came on to me again last night like she does often and she seems to enjoy it, just not sexually. Is it okay as long as she’s consenting/having her own kind of fun or do I need to feel guilty because we had sex again?
You left a lot of the story out on this question but from what it sounds like you my friend are treading on a nasty fault line. You are in an ugly place called “is it rape?” And the answer would be yes and no. If she keeps doing it it’s probably not rape but I definitely would not make it a habit. The golden rule is drunk people can’t give consent. You have to do this horrible thing; I know it’s horrible, I don’t even know why I’m saying it, uughh you gotta talk to her seriously. Talk to her if for no other reason but to kill your guilt.
12. Is there any place in this world for a lesbian who isn’t a feminist? I read a lot about eighth wave feminism and I really dislike it. However people tend to, more than not, interpret this as me being hateful or brainwashed or whatever. What can I do?
I am a lesbian and not a feminist sooo yeah nobody seems to really care about that. Also who let you out of the kitchen? And where’s my sandwich?
Basically it’s who you are and if no one likes it fuck them.
13. My friend is engaged, but we fucked anyway. I have massive feelings for her and she says she has a crush on me too. Do I really have to let her go?
Considering that she doesn’t love you and is using you for sex I’d say yes. If she actually cared about you she wouldn’t be engaged to someone else. Also no you don’t have to let her go she’s probably gonna fuck you for a while before her “wife” finds out and shoots you.
It’s the risk you take for being in love. Who know she might not cheat on you. (eyeroll)
14. After eight months the sex has suddenly become mediocre at best. Is this a sign that it’s all over?
Nope it’s time to do it in the butt. :D but Really it’s time to try something new, where a wig, grab a whip, bring in a third. There is literally an unlimited amount of things to do with your partner. I enjoy a game of strip football with pillow cushions I think I scared the mail man but whateves. He acted like he never saw a half naked woman with a football helmet on before.
15. Help me find a short haircut that will not make my mom cry?!
1. it’s your mom if you cut your finger she’s gonna cry.
2. it’s your hair I didn’t cut my hair for years because of my mother but as soon as I cut it she loved it and I love it too. Pick a celeb whose hair you love and go for it, also its hair hunny it grows back.
Your mother lived her life now it’s time to live yours.
16. I informed 8-10 friends about a bbq/grad party for which I made organic gluten-free pasta w/ lactose-free pesto; yet no one showed up, even those who had RSVP’ed. This always happens! How do I not be such a loser?
I kinda hope this is a joke but I can do this:
It’s a BBQ hunny two things you need for a successful party is a purpose which you had and a menu to match. Your friend’s may be flakes or your menu could use some retooling. Can I suggest your next menu include what ever that is you made with some chicken and vegetable skewers over a grill lightly brushed with honey and bbq sauce. I also enjoy making broke ass sliders. *Contact for recipe* Also add some mojitos and mimosas to the mix and with enough alcohol people will eat anything. Also you need more friends.
You’re not a loser hunny anyone can criticize or flake out but it takes true balls to put on a party. You have the balls now you just need the juice. Keep at it hunny it takes a few tries before you get it right.
17. I’m very self conscious about my body, because of my boobs. I’m fit, and a lot of girls want to hook up with me, but my boobs are different sizes. And its very noticeable without a shirt. How can I date somebody if I’m afraid of her telling people?
Every ones boobs are different sizes look it up. Some are off by a whole cup size. I gotta tell you unless your nipple is on your back she’s not gonna care. She’s not gonna tell people and even if she does they are gonna tell her exactly what I just told you.
18. I feel like it might be time to propose…I love her&it’s been like 2+ years, we’ve lived together for a year, her family&I get along great, etc..Only I also feel scary things like 22 is 2 young,I’ve never been with anyone but her&OMFG! thoughts/feelings?
1. it’s an engagement not marriage.
2. Its life hunny, live it. If she died tomorrow would you regret never telling her? live with no regrets. No matter what the answer is your heart will be free and clear.
19. I’ve just changed jobs from an awful boss to a really nice boss. but I still feel so tense about my job all the time. is this normal for new-dream-jobs? or should I maybe go see someone?
It is normal you just left an abusive situation for something better it’s going to take time. If you’re not healing fast enough for “you”, get help.
20. um, i feel like my gf doesn’t wipe very well after she pees or wash very well and sometimes it makes going down on her not so fun. her hygiene is fine otherwise, she’s just not thorough enough down there. How do I bring this up without embarrassing her?
I’ve been here and this is what you’re going to say (you’re going to be sweaty when you say it). “I wouldn’t say this if I didn’t care about you but I do because I’m crazy about you. But your um down there stuff leaves a lot to be desired. I care and I want to be with you but we gotta fix this together.”
Of course now you need a plan of action because you are coming from a place of love and it’s a natural next step. You might have to shower together but be as loving as you can, lots of touching and reassurance she’s not a car she’s a person.
This is going to be so hard but you need to do it and if she’s smart she will appreciate your honesty. Make me proud hunny.
I did it yeay me. :D also women don’t “belong” in the kitchen but if your in there seriously make me sandwich.
oh man…i would not say someone’s downstairs area “leaves a lot to be desired.” surely there’s another phrase you could use.
Question 17, Understand why you are afraid of what people think of you and you will be free.
Question 14, Mediocre sex comes from a lack of effort to use ones imagination and courage to take risk.
Question 12, It is not feminism that is the problem but hate filled feminists, avoid hate filled power hungry people.
Question 19, Abusive boss versus non-abusive boss, Perhaps you fear people because you expect abuse, pulling at your heart and once they hold you captive will than become abusive. The nice boss has you nervous because you expect abuse at any moment, the waiting and expectation is exhausting and distracting. Relax ! If your new boss becomes abusive, leave, keeping looking for people who do not rob you of your dignity and self respect.
1. Find new friends. (Not for real necessarily, but seriously, these friends kind of stink at the moment). Relationship advice does not get drastically different based on gender, biology, or orientation. Personally, I feel that the sharing of relationship issues/problems and seeking suggestions/comfort from my friends is part of building a well rounded relationship. The advice, no offense to my friends, is often not totally relevant and is sometimes totally bad advice (bless ‘em) but it is their way of showing an interest in my life [similarly, my crappy relationship advice comes from a good place and showing an interest in their lives]. So, real talk: tell your friends to be involved in your life. They should definitely have an opinion about the people you bring into your life, because they have to share you. If they don’t ever come around, find friends who really do care. SIDENOTE: There may be other issues at play here. Assess what your friends think about things in general… for instance, they might not feel qualified to comment on something they really know anything about (they may need the gay 411)… or they may secretly disapprove of whoever you’re currently crushing on, but don’t want to hurt your feelings.
2. Have sex with her? Yes. Have sex with her. A lot of it. Also, stock up on ramen and invest in a little Gatorade.
4. I’m in a similar boat and got some awesome advice from a friend. He asked me: “If you don’t say anything, will you regret not knowing what might have happened?” Good luck!
5. Some people become disinterested in sex after achieving orgasm. Perhaps she is trying to stay in the zone so that you can finish. Perhaps you do the same thing to her… before you come, go down on her again and see it through. If that doesn’t work… sit down and have a conversation about it. Also, look up Dan Savage’s sex-advice podcast on iTunes or at thestranger.com.
7. I am currently a student and I work in student affairs, so hopefully I have something to offer in here. Find your school’s student life department—places like the Residence Life/Housing department, Greek Life, and the University Program Council (names may vary depending on where you are) are all focused on life i.e., parties, hangouts, ice breakers, and other shared experiences. Also, typically, these organizations are tailored to interact with people who aren’t already part of the organization, so always feel invited. If you hear about an event, show up and see what happens. Next, find an organization that you are truly interested in. There is no easier way to make friends then by finding people with whom you already have something in common with. Also, remember that a college food court is not like a high school cafeteria… cliques are not as big a deal (they aren’t nonexistent either). Usually though, everyone in college is excited about making a new friend, so you can sit down at almost any table with a smile on your face and make a new friend or two. If you don’t have the guts for that, start small. Find the table in the corner where one guy is sitting on the other end using a laptop. Sit down, enjoy your food, and strike up some small talk. You never know where it will lead.
15. http://nymag.com/daily/fashion/2011/07/dakota_fanning_debuted_a_new_r.html
2. Dude, just find free stuff to do. I personally think the best thing to do when on vacation is relax, walk around the city, go the beach a lot and find cheap, fun things to do along the way. And besides, I’m sure your friend doesn’t expect you to pay for her entire trip; you are giving her a place to stay after all.
5. TALK TO HER. That’s not really “normal”. It could be a bunch of things. Maybe she feels extra vulnerable, maybe orgasming hurts her.
6. Oftentimes showering together doubles as sexy time. It really depends on what you are both comfortable with. You might want to just focus on washing yourself, but pay attention to her too.
11. It’s fine as long as she is consenting. But it’s important to remember that drunk consent doesn’t equal consent.
13. That’s a shitty situation, but it’s really up to her.
14. Dude! Spice it up! Make it exciting by trying something new. Remember that sex does not make a relationship and that after the “honeymoon phase” sex and even feelings can plateau. Do new stuff together outside of the bedroom, it can spice things up as well.
15. Go progressively shorter over time.
17. Chances are that nobody but you notices your boob sizes. And chances are that if someone likes you enough to date you and then progressively loves you, they won’t care about it either. Try to embrace them the best you can and fuck off anyone who judges you for them.
18. Do it when you feel it’s right. Also, talk to her about it. Remember, just because it seems like it’s time to propose, there is NO rush. You can still be with her, even if you don’t propose for five more years.
19. If this goes on for a while and it interferes with your work performance, consider going to talk to a therapist. It’s normal for a work transition to be a bit difficult, but an old job shouldn’t interfere with a job that should make you happy.
20. Having a relationship is partly about talking about embarrassing/gross stuff. Keep it casual, and maybe suggest you shower together before hand?
1. I think it’s a pretty good start that they tell you about the guys they like. My female friends don’t tell me a lot about that, as if I wouldn’t be interested, which is silly. So maybe they don’t give you advice on girls because they genuinely aren’t sure what to tell you. Maybe don’t ask for advice at first, maybe just tell them about girls you like. Then they can talk about it without being under pressure to have some kind of right answer or solution to all your problems.
I’m surprised at 17, anybody who likes girls should know that boobs are awesome.
1. I hate it when friends do that but generally i have a few friends that will help me out. i mean regardless of gender people are people so most of the advice applies. just tell her to pretend she’s giving boyfriends advice and don’t bring up sex i guess.
2. Find stuff thats free. do you have ifc, watch young,broke, and beautiful. basically find free stuff to do and good cheap food. voila http://youtu.be/Ii_RTikWRpU
5. haha she likes edging or maybe she’s just really just really sensitive. ask her about it and talk it out. i don’t it’s something worth worrying about.
6. don’t worry too much and go with the flow. let her initiate if you’re nervous about it.
7. it’s scary,but just put yourself out there. open up to people, ask them about themselves. go places, join clubs, sports, do stuff in college. this is going to sound bad but if you don’t mind picking up a smoking habit then join a smoking circle. but mainly go out there , the world is your oyster. eventually you will find people that hold some common ground with you and it’ll be awesome.the key is to keep an open mind.
8. are you me right now? is this like fight club? well talking about my ex kind of made me get over her (sorry asschatters) and i just got myself into a situation where the person im seeing does have more feelings. i actually need to talk it out with her. if you feel like you aren’t ready then just tell her whats up. usually they understand and wait it out a little (or they don’t mind being a rebound). either way, let her know.
10. are you annoyed because you may have a little crush on her? i try to catch myself when this happens i call it the w.u.c.h. syndrome (want what you can’t have). usually that’s all it really is. anyway she’s drunk and maybe you shouldn’t have to babysit her so much.
12. i used to think i wasn’t a feminist but i am i like equal right, but im not shoving it down everyone’s throat. anyway maybe you just say “sorry dude im not political” and run as fast as possible
13. if she still wants to get married then yes, you have to let it go.
15. most short alternative haircuts can pass as mom approved if you don’t dye it. i donno just find something that fits you and don’t worry what mom thinks too much, it’ll grow out anyway
16. don’t mention food details maybe they’re turned off by food they don’t really know about. ask them to honestly tell you why they didn’t show and maybe work around it.
17. i think everyone has one bigger than the other (the arm that you use more often is the smaller side). alternate doing things with your other hand, this might help. most importantly don’t worry about it. people like it when you are comfortable with yourself and display a degree of confidence. if anything it’ll probably turn into aww how cute. be comfortable in your skin, it’s not always about the outside
18. she’s your first and you’re 22…..think about that one for a minute. then again i don’t really ever want to get married so maybe i shouldn’t be panning out advice on this one
19. yeah i know what you mean. i went to having a really demanding boss to having one that was totally lax. it takes some time but you will get comfortable. it’s normal
20. honestly i would have said something the first time. just kind of laugh it off with her when you tell her try not to make her feel self conscious about it but bring it up like “oops i think you missed a spot” she’ll probably be sure to clean up better next time
p.s. #17 if the l word taught me one thing it’s this:
[Shane leaves with a woman Dana wanted to ask out]
Dana: I don’t get it. I mean, what does Shane have that I don’t have?
Tina: It has to do with her attitude.
Dana: I’ve got attitude!
Marina: It’s because she’s so witholding.
Tina: No, it’s because she’s so confident.
Dana: No, it’s because she’s so STUPID and stupid people are too dumb to be insecure.
Alice: [firmly] Dana, she’s your friend.
Tina: It’s confidence okay? I’m telling you… it’s because of her nipples.
Dana: What do you mean it’s because of her nipples?
Tina: She has the best nipples in town and she knows it.
Alice: Oh my God. You’re so right. She has nipple confidence!
Tina: Yeah, they’re small and they’re perfectly formed.
Alice: I wonder if I could sell a story on L.A’s best nipples.
you don’t even need the nice nipples, just the confidence and you’re good to go
2. A really good friend is coming to visit me in a few weeks. I’m glad she’s coming to visit but feel like a bum because I’m horribly broke at the moment. I want to show her a good time w/o feeling guilty for being broke. Ideas? LA area.
5. This not an definite answer, but maybe she is a female ejaculator and is embarrassed about it?
20. Uhh shower sex?
I think you could buy some wash and leave it in the shower (“for yourself”) and shell probably be like ooh whats this? and use it.
“accidentally” leave an article about “how to make going down good for her” (that you were totally obviously reading for her)
good chance this will subconsciously cause her to take more care personally
“16. I informed 8-10 friends about a bbq/grad party for which I made organic gluten-free pasta w/ lactose-free pesto; yet no one showed up, even those who had RSVP’ed. This always happens! How do I not be such a loser?”
Okay so my experiences directly contradict someone who commented above BUT HEY. This sometimes happens to me, because it honestly happens to anyone who tries to have a party outside a hall of residence who has fewer than 50 friends. (This is probably not true. I know one or two people who know so many people that 20 of them can always come to something. But I am not one of them. Their lives seem fun but also kind of not for me.) It has happened less as I got older, partly because older people are slightly less flaky. Here are some other things.
a) Cater for everyone you invited to show up, but expect a maximum of half and really more like a third to actually get there. RSVPs are meaningless, people don’t write parties down, and if they do remember sometimes it’s cold or they’re sick or they had a shitty day or their car broke down or their fave dress/plaid shirt is dirty or whatever. This way i) you don’t get disappointed ii) you can eat leftovers the next day = THE BEST. Party food multiple days in a row.
b) SHORT NOTICE. Man, I know someone above just said give people plenty of notice, but I don’t agree. If you tell someone three weeks before, they won’t know what they have planned but they’ll say “yeah yeah!” and then will realise it’s their sister’s birthday or equiv. If you tell someone a week before, they’ll know if they have something more important when you ask them, they’ll be able to tell you then, and if they can come they’re way less likely to forget/flake. If they can’t come, they were probably never going to come, so you’re not really missing anything.
c) Go to other people’s stuff even if you don’t feel like it – at least put in an appearance. (I am THE WORST at this, I am a shitty friend, but hey, do as I say and not as I do.)
d) Don’t completely self-cater. I personally love organic gluten-free pasta with dairy-free pesto but not everyone does. Also your friends might not know how good a cook you are, and this will really affect the chances of them coming to a dinner party (my favourite kind of party, I don’t know why there is a stereotype about dinner parties being for old childless people, I personally believe that unless your friends are all idiots – and if they are why are you friends with them? – it is more fun to be able to actually talk to them when you see them instead of waving vaguely at them in a dark room). Pot lucks can be great, because lots of people like to cook/show off and then they know that there’ll be something there they can eat – a lot of people are picky, a lot of people are not picky but have dietary requirements, no-one can cater for anything, make it easy/not embarrassing for them.
e) try to invite people in couples or small groups. Not together, that’s weird, but when you’re planning your guestlist try to make sure that everyone will know at least one other person there, and then try to make sure they know that. I am 700000000 times more likely to attend a do if I know there’ll be someone there (other than the host, who will be busy) who I know/like even moderately. [obviously what you actually need is that girl who you know who everyone is in love with – get her to come and you’re set. Hah.] This doesn’t mean that people don’t care about you – they do. But many people aren’t comfortable striking up conversations with strangers and so going to something where they don’t know at least a couple of people is like being doomed to either follow the host around the party like a slightly drunk duckling (which is awk because it always kind of looks like you have a thing for them) or sit around awkwardly for long stretches of time. Let them know a mutual friend is coming – try sending invitations with email addressed in the to box instead of BCC. (NOTE there are sometimes good reasons to NOT do this! Be careful with the To and CC boxes!) This is reassuring.
Good luck! And just kind of keep practising. Once you have a couple of good ones the bad ones will get you down less.
1. Call them on their BS in a joking/teasing kind of way like ‘don’t be such a lousy friend, you *need* to help me with this it’s your job’ etc. Allows you to voice your frustration without making things weird
4. Dump your girlfriend asap. She deserves better than to be someone’s afterthought and you deserve better than not exploring such intense feelings with your friend
5. Interested in the advice ’cause *I* do that and I don’t even know why
6. Not sure it’s about the washing part rather than the ‘being naked together under a torrent of water’
7. Join clubs/organizations! It works like a charm to meet new people. Also there will probably be a party for everyone to meet each other, right? We do that in France at least
8. If you’re thinking about your ex, I don’t know that you should be in a relationship right now, especially not with someone who cares this much about you. It might be better for them to break things up and be single or find someone you could have a more casual thing with for a while
10. Why does it bother you? Is it about that girl she hits on or about the fact that she won’t acknowledge her feelings when she’s sober? We all deal with our orientation differently, it’s very difficult for some people. I went through years of denial (which the alcohol would help with)… Maybe just let her know that you’re there for her? She might need your support right now
11. She’s asexual and she comes on to you? What does she enjoy then? Well in any case, as long as everyone is consenting and having a good time, why should you feel guilty? You had sex, celebrate! (Now I have Lonely Island’s song in mind)
12. Feminism is about believing that everyone should be treated equally regardless of their gender identity/gender expression/perceived gender. Men can be feminists, it’s not a ‘lesbian thing’. If you don’t believe that, then yes I will judge you. But you don’t have to agree with the movement’s leaders/scholars to be a feminist.
13. SHE’S ENGAGED! Think about the poor fiance/e
16. You’re on autostraddle, therefore you are not a loser. We love you! And you deserve better friends
17. Nobody’s perfectly symmetrical, don’t worry about it! You notice because you think about it a lot but people won’t be examining the size of your bewbs while ‘visiting them’, that’s kind of not the point ;)
THERE’S A CHAT ON AUTOSTRADDLE? WHERE?
Dang, I’ve been coming for a looong time, I feel so ashamed for not knowing this
@Janis Bing
http://www.autostraddle.com/groups/autochat/
Oh thanks @Dani , I had never seen the reply
7. I’m super excited about starting college in September and I really want to try making friends / meeting girls. But I’m a recluse. How should I go about changing my habits?
I love what everyone else has said about joining clubs and stuff at your college. But. Can I just tell you that I did not feel like I fit in at my college? I was just discovering my homogayness and wasn’t all rainbows and unicorns (like I am now), and a lot of the students were rich and kind of snobby. I mean, yeah, there were some who were normal and cool, but I guess I just didn’t make friends with those. This is not to say that college was not great and awesome and amazing, just to say that sometimes, it’s not what you were expecting, you know? Anyway. Here is my advice:
a. Depending on your class size, it can be super easy to make friends. Most of mine were very small and a lot of the time, you had the same people over and over in your classes, meaning they are like built-in friends. Just talk to them. If you find you don’t like them, you don’t have to hang out, just be nice.
b. Dorms are like friend-making machines. Trust me, your RA will have lots of events planned, so go to them. See if there’s anyone worthy on your floor. There probably are at least a couple people who are super cool.
c. Approximately 80% of my friends (my girlfriend), I met at one of my various jobs. So, if on campus life isn’t what you had hoped, get a job!
d. Start/Join an Autostraddle group for members in your area. In my experience, approximately 99.9% of Autostraddlers are completely awesome.
e. I feel you because I’m sort of a recluse too, and I totally was one in high school. This is a snapshot of my life: work, home. Repeat five times. Grocery shopping. Stay in pajamas all day. Repeat. But you know, I went out this week with a couple of my friends (from work) to a Geeks Who Drink trivia night and it was so much fun. The bar we went to was 1.) a gay bar, and 2.) didn’t ID you unless you ordered some alcohol. I suggest you investigate because I know we would totally be accepting of a random stranger who asked if they could join our group.
http://www.geekswhodrink.com
12. Is there any place in this world for a lesbian who isn’t a feminist? I read a lot about eighth wave feminism and I really dislike it. However people tend to, more than not, interpret this as me being hateful or brainwashed or whatever. What can I do?
I used to think I wasn’t a feminist. But I blame my mom, who listens to Rush Limbaugh (I feel like I should be in a support group for this), who uses the word feminazi more than the word feminist. Thus, I had a Very Bad Image of feminists. You know, they were all bra-burning, man-hating, crazy-pants women.
But you know what? They’re not! I didn’t discover that I am a complete and total feminist until I read this article in college for a class about third wave feminism. And it was amazing. And those ten minutes it took me to read and re-read this article completely changed my life.
Anyway, my question to you is this: what does it mean when you say you are not a feminist? No one ever asked me that, which is why it took 22 years to figure it out. As long as you’re comfortable with the answer and defending it when necessary, then you are fine. Just be comfortable and confident with who you are and what you believe.
Oops, I missed an “and” somewhere in there. I’m sure by adding it in, one of those sentences will make more sense.
1. One-way girl talk is called therapy and you should be getting paid for it.
2.Nothing fun was ever free.
3. Move.
4. Watch ‘Say Anything’ together and see what happens.
5. Ask your partner, “Why is this and what do I do about it?”
6. This is why we won’t have drinking water in 20 years.
7. Leave your house and talk to strangers.
8. A lot of people would love to have your problems.
9. Welcome to being a 15 year old lesbian!
10. Yes, this is obnoxious behavior.
11. Drunk people aren’t good at consent. Talk to her about it when she’s sober.
12. No.
13. I wouldn’t worry about it.
14. Yes.
15. You’re on your own.
16. Stop hosting things and find better friends. Friends don’t constantly ditch you.
17. This is like being self-conscious about dating because you’re left-handed. It’s pretty common, not a big deal, and anyone who knows how to look can already tell. Relax. You’re fine.
18. Welcome to being a 22 year old lesbian!
19. New jobs are stressful. Give yourself time to settle into it.
20. You can’t. That is an inherently embarrassing thing to tell someone.
17. Hi! Have you checked this out http://www.007b.com/breast_gallery.php ?
It’s very NSFW. It’s a gallery of nonsexualized pictures of breasts. Maybe seeming the wonderful varieties of boobs will help? Hope it does!
*This is Double Or Nothing. For some reason I can’t stay logged in past the profile page :(
I once dated a girl with 4 nipples- no joke.
#17 My boobs are also very uneven (one is an A and the other may as well be flat) and I am very self-conscious about it…but I’m going to listen to those who answered this question and try to be more confident about them because, like they said, if someone wants to be with me then my boobs shouldn’t be a deciding factor.
I hope the comments made by fellow Autostraddlers gives you more confidence aswell.
Mine are different sizes too. But one is a large c and the other a b. And seriously, it used to bother me. To the point where I left my bra on during sex and also I hunched over all the time. Now, no more. Who the fuck cares. It’s like everyone has said, if the person says something about it then you don’t need them. And if to the person who had the question, if you need to bring it up do it casually. I think someone earlier suggested looking at pictures of girls and just bringing it up. It’s honestly a good idea. I’ve done it. Telling people really does make it easier. weird I know.
1. This is why you have US / AS.
2. This happened to me recently. I told my friend before she came to visit, and she basically said that she didn’t care what we did because she was coming to see and spend time with me, not my city. So, hopefully, your friend is that cool. If not, big cities have tons of free and cheap things to do, but if you live there, you often forget because you take them for granted.
3. Oh goodness, I know exes can sometimes act as babies, but here’s a map of US consensual ages so your next ex can be over 16-18 years old. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ages_of_consent_in_North_America
But seriously, bad breakups are hard. And it depends who broke up with whom, etc. I would say: be polite but detached. Your relationship is in the past, so don’t bring up things she did or “take the bait” when she brings up things you did.
7. First: Breathe. Starting college is stressful enough without adding extra pressure. As everyone else has said: join a club and go to hall events and talk to people in your classes. Your college friends don’t all need to be your best friend. You may find someone who likes all the movies you do, so the two of you only go to the theater together. You might have a foodie friend with whom you go out to eat. But the best advice I can give, and it’s not advice that I would give for most situations is: Make yourself uncomfortable. I don’t mean, “uncomfortable” as go to a rager and drink the punch and let sweaty boys dance all over you. I mean, don’t let yourself fall into the trap of spending every night in or avoiding an event because you’re nervous or tired or “don’t feel like it.” Make yourself accept invitations and go out. At the same time, don’ try to fundamentally change yourself. If you need a night watching Imagine Me & You in your bed, then take it. Recharge. Find a balance.
8. When you’re with someone new, it can be easy to miss an ex because of how comfortable and safe you may have felt. That person knew your secrets and your likes and dislikes, and you knew all of hers. New relationships are like going back to school and learning and sharing all over again. I would say, take it slow, and you may feel that relationship begin to form. If not, you and your ex may have truly had something special. Just try to avoid comparing the two. Everyone has different strengths and weaknesses.
11. I feel like asexuality is on a spectrum just like a lot of other queer behavior. Most people think all asexuals have absolutely no sex drive, but that’s not true. There are asexuals who are mentally quite sexual, but have no desire for any actual physical relationships with anyone but themselves. I have a friend who loves masturbating and has sexual fantasies, but is repulsed by the idea of actually being with another person. When we were younger, I used to think that she was just scared to make a move on all of her crushes, etc, but then she told me that she loses all interest in a person when that person becomes more than just a fantasy. So, I would say, drunk people cannot give consent. Your asexual friend may hit on you in her drunken stage because she is less aware of the boundaries between reality and her own fantasies. But, in the end, drunk people cannot give consent. And if you know she identifies as asexual, you should probably respect that.
14. Try something new.
15. Watch the World Cup.
16. Make food for everyone or make it a potluck. My vegan friends host BBQs all the time and they cook awesome vegan food, and then have their friends cook ribs and burgers and anything else. Also, have a variety of drinks available.
1. Your friends sound terrible! Gah. I don’t know what to tell you besides maybe when they give you that “waah I dunno girls are krayzay I sure don’t date ‘em lol!” business, try something like, “Yeah, I’m not asking you to respond as a lesbian, obvs, just wanted to get your take as a human being.”
2. I don’t know how things are in LA, but I feel like most cities have tons of free or cheap things to do. My friends from college and I travel to visit each other around the country fairly often, and we have: gone hiking, cooked giant feasts, baked cakes to share with other friends, gone bowling, gone to a tree-felling workshop, picked fruit around the neighborhood, gone to museums on free days, seen free improv shows, made our own songs and movies . . . and probably a dozen other activities I’m forgetting. (Okay, this list maybe makes us sound like hippies and weirdos. Which isn’t entirely unfair I suppose.)
5. Ask her ask her ask her! On the scale of awkward conversations about sex (and I am someone who is Really Bad about talking about sex) I feel like this is not even that awkward. Just something like, “So, it kind of seems like you’re not that interested in having orgasms when we have sex? That’s cool if that’s just not what you’re into, but I wanted to make sure there wasn’t something you’d like me to be doing differently.”
6. Ahahahaha this is why I will never have shower sex. Jeez. Showers are alone time. For me, at least. But since she suggested it, just follow her lead!
8. Seems like there are two issues here: you’re not sure if you’re that into this girl, and you miss your ex. If you try to separate those two, does that change anything? Imagine your ex never existed and you’re meeting this girl without that history – what then?
I think it’s okay, early on, for two people to have different levels of . . . enthusiasm for the relationship. Sometimes people end up falling in love at the same time but there’s no particular reason why that has to happen. If you just focus on your own feelings toward her – not how she feels about you or how you feel about your ex (who is your ex for a reason, no?) – what kind of reading are you getting there? Decide how to proceed based on that alone.
10. I think it is natural to be annoyed a little, but some people are just flirty, messy, needy drunks. God knows my drunken self has taken flirtations farther than I should with people I wouldn’t pursue when sober. Try to see this as a funny thing rather than an aggravating thing, this is all you can do with drunk people really.
11. If the way you’re presenting this is accurate, it seems like she is taking the initiative here. Don’t feel guilty! Clearly she enjoys this, right, if it keeps happening? This isn’t an area of my expertise, but it doesn’t seem that crazy to me that an asexual person might like all the other things that come along with sex – the closeness, the attention, etc. – without being that into the sex itself.
12. When I was about 15, I one day said to the older, wiser friend I was in love with something to the effect of, “I mean, I don’t know that I’d necessarily call myself a feminist . . .” She brought me up short: “Why wouldn’t you call yourself a feminist? You don’t believe that women and men should have equality?” And since then I’ve gladly identified as a feminist, because she was totally right.
So what do you mean, then, when you say you’re “not a feminist”? That is a genuine question because I can’t tell from what you wrote. Being a feminist doesn’t mean you have to be best friends with All The Feminists! (Also you are joking about “eighth wave” right? right??) You don’t have to hang out with anyone you don’t wanna hang with. Just, y’know, be supportive of women. In theory and in practice.
17. What?! Who on earth would go around saying, “Yeah, you know, that chick looks hot, but guess what, her boobs? Toooootally different sizes.” No one would say that. Ever. Do not ever worry about this again.
19. Oh I had this precise problem! For the first month or two of my nice new job whenever someone would email me or chat me about the least little thing I would panic and feel like, “Well, that’s that, better quit before they have a chance to fire me!” But now it’s about three months later and I have stopped feeling that way, though I still have anxiety dreams about my old job sometimes. I think time and learning to trust that your new boss is not a crazy controlling bully (oh, was that just me?) will help.
20. Oh. Ew. Now this is an actually awkward sex conversation. The only way out is directness, though. Something along the lines of, “Hey, so this is kind of embarrassing to bring up, but maybe you could wash a little more thoroughly down there?” But do not ever do this either directly before or, especially, after you’ve had sex. Maybe . . . some other time before you go to bed, or as she’s about to get into the shower or something?
4. Friends first. Then crush. Turns out we both like girls. We live thousands of miles apart. She’s visiting soon. I’m dating someone, but this friend is…everything. Say anything?
The few other people that have comments on this question have told you to drop your current dating partner, talk to your crush, or both. I’m adding to this conversation because what I don’t want you to do is think that your feelings for one girl has anything to do with your feelings for the other. You can care for more than one person at once, you can be attracted to multiple people at once; it’s okay.
Your crush lives thousands of miles away. The chance of anything working out with her is pretty much non-existent. But if you really feel the need to say something, recognizing all the possible shit that may emerge afterwards, go for it!
You don’t say much about the girl you’re dating. I notice you don’t use the term “girlfriend.” Is that an indication of a lesser level of intimacy? Or do you just feel bad because you care so much for your long-distance friend? Sort out your feelings for this girl you’re dating. See if she’s worth sticking around for. If not, declare your love. Take a risk.
If you declare your feelings for friend/crush, you may lose both girls. Or your current dating partner may be mature enough to realize that desire is fluid and complicated.
Figure out what you want and what you’re willing to risk, and then go for it. But know that even if your friend/crush does reciprocate, long-distance relationships are hard and often don’t work out. Maybe it’s better to love what you have and not wish for what you don’t. But of course that’s for you to decide!
#9: If I had known what I know now when I was 15, I would have been way cooler, less depressed, and might have actually had a girlfriend before I was 18 and old enough to get at girls online. Does your friend know you’re gay? If you’re not out to her yet, she may not even know you’re interested in girls and if she DOES harbor any attraction, she’s in a “Danger Zone” where her making a move is a crap shoot. If you want there to be any chance that she opens up if she DOES share your feelings then it would best to make her comfortable first. I’ve never told any of my best friend crushes in middle school or high school that I was into them. But in retrospect, there were signs that they felt the same way- maybe that’s WHY I felt the way I did. It was mutual attraction. I know that if you spill your heart out and tell her how you feel she may freak out and dump you as a friend and out you as a raging homogay to your entire class (if you’re trying to stay in the closet) but if my 15-year-old experience is at all the norm, 15-year-olds are VERY paranoid and care very, very much what people think. And if the worst happened- Is it the end of the world? You’ll be out, you may lose some friends but you’ll probably make some new ones that you probably should have been hanging out with in the first place, ones who don’t care what other people think and heck- maybe your future girlfriend! Only a select group of people were privy to my orientation when I was 15, and until I was out of high school, I didn’t even try to seek out girls. The farthest I’d get was quietly scoping out drunk girls at parties that were at least as drunk as I was who looked like they wanted to make out. Ew. Not fun. Not very fulfilling. Don’t be me. Do you.
Although I have to admit when I first read the question I was tempted to give the advice I want to give my 13-year-old self when I had my first, terrible, heart-wrenching crush on a girl (who happened to be one of my besties, natch)- Steal some vodka from a parent’s liquor cabinet, invite her over for a slumber partay, impress the pants off of her because you have booze, and once you’re both liquored up have heart-to-heart/Let’s Try Kissing Another Girl!!!! Time.
#17: Let me tell you a wonderful story called My Ex Girlfriend’s Boobs. The first time me and my ex slept together, as I was going to undo her bra, she said shyly, “I have a scar.” She was born with one of her breasts kind of shifted to the side and had surgery to correct it when she was 17. Her (left? right? God I don’t remember) breast was an implant and she had a scar on the side of her tit. Her nipples were also different sizes- the one on the implant didn’t get as perky. And you know what? I wouldn’t have had it any other way. I LOVED those breasts. Why? Because I got to play with them. Duh. Like everyone else is saying, a girl isn’t going to complain if you’re sharing something so completely awesome with her. It never hurts to throw in a disclaimer like “oh I have a little padding in this side because I’m uneven” but you know what? It’s not even necessary. Tits are like snowflakes… Everyone’s are a little bit different!
7. Join clubs! They’re a good way to find people who share your interests and they give you a context in which to meet/talk to strangers. You can also buy this tshirt and wear it around to let people know that you would like to make new friends:http://www.topatoco.com/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Store_Code=TO&Product_Code=WON-TRAILER-GREEN&Category_Code=WON
15. This is a tough one, because I don’t know your mom. My only inspiration is that maybe you could go search for pictures of cute, straight, feminine girl celebrities who have or have had short hair, like Emma Watson maybe, and tell your mom that you are wearing your hair short to make yourself look like them. Then it will seem more like you are having short hair as a classy feminine modern girly thing and not because you are a lesbian, which I’m guessing would be easier for your mom to handle emotionally.
17. If someone tells other people negative things about your boobs after dating you, the problem is not your boobs, the problem is that they are a jerk who does not appreciate you. If you had boobs that were the exact same size, they would probably still find something to be a jerk about if that happens to be what they are like. Anyone who is a decent partner is going to be delighted that they get to touch/see your boobs and are not going to be particularly concerned with unevenness. Breasts are cuddly and glorious and deserve to be appreciated.
When people say they aren’t feminists, does that mean they are going to start demanding sandwiches from me and telling me that I should be vacuuming instead of going to college?
I don’t understand. You don’t have to make posters and grow out your leg hair and quote Steinem to be a feminist. You just have to like/respect women.
20. I know there’s been a lot of rallying for “talk about it with her,” but honestly I feel like if you ever brought this up directly she would never feel comfortable hooking up with you again ever.
Maybe start by buying lots of acidophilus, cranberry juice yogurt and making yourself a gyn appointment. The tell your gf you heard on NPR that having a heathy vagina lowers rates of inflammation in your body leading to heart disease. The start constantly googling “healthy vagina” and leaving it up on your computer. Then find some articles in women’s magazines and leave them around. Your GF will think you’ve gone wicked zealous on your own vaginal health, but she will undoubtably jump on the bandwagon because all the stuff will be available to her.
20. Or, slip some pineapple into her dessert.
#20
are you sure it’s just bad hygiene and not BV? I dated a lady with BV, which makes a bad bad smell, and I dealt with it by telling her I thought I had it (which I might have) and since it’s contagious, she should get checked out too. This solved the problem because her doctor put her on meds and everything is so fresh now.
#17 one of my closest friends has two diferent size and shape boobs when she gets naked for some one she stands to the side and says ok do you like the 18 year old titty thats cone shaped ( turns to the other side ) or the 28 year old titty thats pear shaped ?? i like the 28 year old titty but thats not the point she makes a joke about the diferents but points out that there both great at the same time
7. Besides all the previous advice people have given about joining clubs, I would also advise you to MAKE SURE you live in on-campus dorms (if you aren’t at a commuter school/can afford it) for at least your first year. You will meet people there without even trying. There is always shit going on in the dorms; one of the more memorable ones for me was a bunch of dudes having a nerf gun fight on my floor one afternoon, though it’s usually more low-key than that (like movie/game nights). And sure it can get irritating to have everyone on top of you all the time, but that’s also why you make so many friends – you can’t so much as walk to the bathroom without having to say hi to someone.
And the reverse is also true; if you’re at a school where dorm-living is the norm and you’re off-campus/commuting, you will have to go the extra mile to make friends, since so much freshman-year socializing is built around dorm life.
I would also say that while it’s important to try new things in college, don’t feel like you have to do shit you can’t stand just as a way to meet people. So if you hate parties – well, it’s worth going to one or two to figure out what people at your college mean by “party” (some “parties” are more like a few friends sitting around drinking and talking than the bacchanalia of yore), but if you’ve tried it and you really can’t stand it, don’t force yourself to go. You won’t meet lasting friends by being fake, and you also don’t want to develop an alcohol problem from being forced to rely on it as a social lubricant.
5. DO NOT PANIC. I often do this. Pretty much always. Some people don’t really like orgasming all the time, or ever, during sex; we just like the lead up. Or, as some have said above, she might get really sensitive, or might need to have sex with someone A LOT of times before she’s comfortable enough, or he body just might now work that way. That being said, if you’re comfortable enough to have sex with her, you should probably get comfortable enough to ask “what’s up?”
And just ask yourself if it seems like she enjoys herself. Orgasms do not necessarily equal great sex. Your gf can have an AWESOME time in bed with you without any orgasms whatsoever.
6. I would say the whole point of showering together is that it’s kind of a silly thing. Just… do whatever seems fun. Laugh a lot (but not loudly if you share the bathroom with other people or they’ll get curious about where all the noise is coming from). I don’t think it’s something you need to stress out about.
7.
If you live on campus:
Leave your room. If you’re in your room but still want to meet people, leave the door open.
It’s really hard when you first start college because you’re nervous and oh my gosh, what if nobody likes me.
But, if you never leave your room except to go to class/eat it will be a lot harder for you to meet people because then they mostly have to make the first move and come see YOU. And I’m sure you’re cool but they don’t know that yet.
During the first couple weeks of college you can meet a lot of people, everyone is awkward and nervous, and most colleges are trying really hard to convince the new students that X School is a fun place and to not just go running home immediately. If your dorm has events, go to those even if they sound stupid. If you don’t live on campus, but there are campus-wide events going on, go to those. There’s usually at least one welcome-back event for the school. Don’t worry if you don’t remember people’s names, they won’t either. But you might meet a few people you think are cool and then maybe you can ask them if they wanna hang out later. Or if you see them in class you’ll know who they are.
If someone tells you about a party that doesn’t sound completely sketchy, find some other people (from your dorm, class, whatever) and go. If it sucks, you can always try and talk them into peaceing out and you can go hang out somewhere and bond over how much the party sucked. (Just always keep your drink covered, watch yourself, don’t get into bad situations, etc.).
Like other people have probably said, joining clubs or playing a club/intramural sport are both good ways to make friends. (Also, I don’t know how straight your school is but in general if it has a women’s rugby team or any intramurals (especially softball) there will have to be at least a few gays hanging around somewhere.) Figure out what you’re interested in or would like to try and then GO FOR IT. You can always drop Knitting Club later if you don’t really like it, but it’s a lot easier to get involved with stuff your first semester or so than it is later when you’re set in your ways and have more intense classes, etc.
Also, if your dorm has any common spaces where people hang out or study (like, a room with couches, a tv, anything like that) and you see that people typically hang out there, try going down there to do your homework, watch tv, whatever. Chances are any other people there will be equally bored and who knows, maybe they’ll think talking to you is more interesting than their calc assignment. Even if you don’t live on campus, a lot of schools have kind of modern study spaces that aren’t dead silent and maybe you can find some people who are procrastinating to talk to.
And if your school has any groups or resources for LGBTQetc. people, check ’em out. They may not be super-exciting, but having queer contacts is really important, especially if your school is really straight.
good luck!
12. You don’t have to be a feminist. For lots of reasons lots of people aren’t comfortable identifying that way.
However, just keep in mind that not all feminists or feminisms are the same. Also, not all feminist/womanist movements are white (check out womanism, Third World Women’s movements, etc.). I identify as a third wave feminist myself, but I’m always really careful about how that identity can make some people really uncomfortable because of the ways some feminists have hurt other communities.
Also, the eighth wave doesn’t exist (yet).
5. Two words; female ejaculation.
2. Go to the beach. It’s free. It’s fun.
7. Get involved. Join clubs. if you’re living in the dorms/residence hall, keep your door open. See if your school has some sort of LGBTQ group or office. Talk to students after class. if someone said something interesting in a seminar, approach them afterwards and tell them.
12. I’m a non-feminist lesbian. No one seems to care.
16. I have no clue why no one showed up, and I’m sorry because that sucks. It may not have anything to do with the food, but since you included it in your question, you’re maybe worried about it.. Try having all different types of food. If you won’t serve meat for ethical reasons, I understand, but maybe try to get a pizza or some chips or something, so everyone can be happy. I don’t drink caffeine or beer, but I always try to have some sort of beer and soda.
17. Boobies. Yummy. I don’t think anyone cares. Boobies are magical. She’ll be happy to see them.
12. what is eighth wave feminism? i don’t really understand how anyone could have a problem with the idea of equal rights for each gender. (???)
QUESTION: Do you have any tips for existing in a small lesbian community with your (over a year old) ex when you both make each other visibly uncomfortable and it makes other people uncomfortable and also she won’t speak to you?
ANSWER: Welcome to the homo experience, my friend. Unless you live in a dyke HUB, there is going to be entirely wayyyy more overlap with you and your ex that neither one of you are comfortable with. Out of curiousity though, there has to be a reason why an ex of over a year ago still causes drama…
Let the situation be her issue. Don’t fight, don’t be awkward. Be cordial and polite, but let it be her problem. Don’t try to work your social life around the comfort zone of your ex girlfriend, eventually (especially within your small community) that will become impossible. Just do you. When she realizes that you simply aren’t bothered, she’ll probably stop reacting in such a passive aggressive way.
#20. Honestly? I was compelled to post because I really wasn’t that grossed out or embarrassed by this when it happened to me. Let’s be real. Shit happens. Literally.
I just said, “Baby, you have lots of pieces. Go wash and come back.”
Was she embarrassed? Probs a little. But she washed and came back and we had hot sex. But now she’s super cute about always shelling out the extra dough for Charmin Ultra Strong. It’s pretty adorable actually.
Also, showering together is an awesome solution to this. Soapy nakedness is hot no matter how you do it. :)
#20. Depends on your tastes of course, but what about suggesting that the two of you shave each other? Obvs involves washing the area first, then you can remove hair for easier access. Seems like it’s easier to remain clean when there’s less hair in the way. Plus, the next time, you could pour a little honey on her first.
#17. Most women’s boobs are not precisely symmetrical. Enjoy and appreciate your body, focus on the pleasure you feel and the pleasure you can give your partner. Any one who would make negative comments about the body of someone she just had sex with is emotionally still on a high school level, no matter what her chronological age.
#6 Dont stress too much about it; do what feels natural. Incorporate a lot of kissing, rub her back. You dont necessarily have to fuck her, but if it does lead to that, then it leads to that. Just shower. Do what you do in the shower, just this time she’s in with you.
#20 – A few things come to mind. The first is that going down on her will never be the same again if you have that conversation. Every time you do, no matter how delicately you worded it, she will likely be too self-conscious to enjoy herself. There’s just no way to really bring it up without her feeling self-conscious and/or offended and/or embarrassed. Because telling someone they don’t clean themselves properly just IS offensive and embarrassing.
The second is that it *could* be you. You mentioned that she’s otherwise a pretty clean person, so it’s POSSIBLE that your standards for cleanliness are slightly above the “norm”, or that you’re not comfortable with anything remotely “natural” down under…or, you know, whatever. And that’s totally ok. We all have our quirks. But I’d just suggest that you at least consider this a possibility, especially before you have a conversation of any sort.
Because…
“Babe, I know I’m weird, but I have trouble with anything less than freshly scrubbed vagina, so could you just humor me by agreeing to take a shower with me beforehand? It’s totally my thing, but I think it would make it way more fun for both of us.”
sounds WAY better than…
“Hey, you aren’t exactly clean and it grosses me out. Can you please do better with that?”
Also, protip – if you’re in the heat of the moment and you don’t want to disrupt the mood by suggesting a shower, here’s what you can do: Grab some lube (preferably something not completely nasty tasting) and put a little on your hand. Now get to work with the rubbing and the teasing and the playing around with the offending vag. To her it’s hot, orgasmic play; to you it’s a bit of cleaning up before diving in. No one is any the wiser, assuming you’re smooth about it and don’t start making weird scrubbing motions on her naughty bits. ;)
Good luck!