It’s a scientifically proven fact that lesbians and bisexuals and otherwise-labeled or label-free people like that have approximately 463% more feelings and questions than their straight counterparts. What to do! Formspring Friday, duh. Grab some coconut water and get comfortable because these queerdos need your help!
via thelwords.tumblr.com
10 Formspring Questions for You to Answer:
1. MY GF is funny, beautiful, but doesn’t like to read, talk politics, eat new cuisines, all of which I LOVE. When do you know when you have just enough in common and should suck it up when it comes to the differences and when to find someone new?
2. My girlfriend got her hair buzzed and I don’t find her attractive anymore. I just feel really threatened by buzzcuts. What do I do?
3. Is it a bad idea to ask a women in my softball league (different team) who is quite a bit older and whom I never really met on a date right after introducing myself? We’ve both totally checked each other out, but she hasn’t made a move yet.
4. Very important question: vests. where do lezzies buy vests?
5. I’m 23 and work at a college. The students I work with are around my age and see me as a peer. I went to a conference as an advisor and I think one of the students from the trip is interested in me? I’m interested back/conflicted/what should I do?
6. I came out the closet two yrs ago but ended up meeting a nice guy and started dating him but now all I can think about it women and how I really want to be with one (sexually) I’m not sure what to do because I really care for him a lot.
7. I think I might be asexual, but I’m emotionally/romantically attracted to girls, which I guess would make me a homo-romantic asexual. Are there even any girls who would be willing to date me?! And how/when do i let them know what to expect from me…?
8. My girlfriend and I love each other. It’s actually real. Her mom informed her yesterday that they are moving back to Canada after graduation, and there is no way that she can stay here in the U.S. with me, because we’re both 17. Your thoughts?
9. I’ve decided that I will not come out to my family because I think its dumb that I have to “come out” as me. My sister didn’t have to have a production when she starting dating a guy. Do you think a formal “coming out” is necessary?
10. I find out through the rumor mill that a friend I used to think was the straightest of straight dudes might actually be bisexual. As a fellow bi, how do I let him know that I’m someone he can talk to without forcing him to tell me if he’s not ready?
Lots for you to think about. Take your time. As always, you’re more than welcome to send your questions to Riese, Rachel or Laneia.
Totally unrelated thumbnail cereal imagery is totally unrelated.
9. I’ve decided that I will not come out to my family because I think its dumb that I have to “come out” as me. My sister didn’t have to have a production when she starting dating a guy. Do you think a formal “coming out” is necessary?
Your sister didn’t have to tell your parent’s she’s straight because it’s just assumed she is – which is why people have to come out. You can just drop it into the conversation if you don’t want to do the whole “mom, dad, I have something to tell you” spiel.
I did it like this:
ME: Hey mom, I’m going to Fame tonight, so I’ll be home late
HER: Isn’t that a gay bar?
ME: Yeah, I’m going there to meet girls, cause I’m bisexual.
Yep, I totally came out over text message.
coming out over text message. very 21st century
I kept having the same effing situation:
Me: (spiel spiel spiel)…I’m gay.
Teacher/family member/friend: I know.
Occasionally, they knew before I did. It was really frustrating around the fifth time. I’m glad I’m that obvious, though.
Firstly, I like your name, it’s my name too!
Secondly, I have had the exact opposite reaction, no one believes me when I tell them I’m gay, and I mean absolutely no one. It is the most frustrating thing >.<.
Jooooohn jacob jingleheimer schmidt…..
I had that same problem. I eventually just stopped bothering to tell people, since apparently gay is my social default.
Common gay bar name or are you in my city? ha.
Seconded, that’s what I thought.
p.s. Westwood, I’m onto you.
A quick profile stalk reveals yes, yes you are.
Mwahahaha, awesome. Nice to have a “familiar face” in such a great place =P And yes, the rhyme was intentional.
New York’s hottest club is FAME. After you step through the stainless steel door to this meat-packing hot spot, you’ll be greeted by none other than Pierre, the Muslim Elvis impersonator. This club has everything- clones, freaks, sneezing, a Russian man on a prepaid cell phone, and anyone can get in- there’s no password. At the door just do the Cosby face.
Stefon, is that you?!?
Oh. Well, my Fame is in Winnipeg and it’s pretty awesome. They have fabulous drag queen gogo dancers and two poles to dance on! and NON GENDERED BATHROOMS which means you can go in there and sing chicago with a bunch of gay guys and nobody gives you weird looks. (not that I know from experience or anything *cough*)
I thought it was bathroom, singular, unless someone has yet to introduce me to the wonders of a secret second bathroom???!!
I just started talking to my parents about how I find women attractive and would like to date them. The down side to this approach was that I thought I came out a year and a half before I actually did, because they could not take a hint.
ha! me too, I had dropped hints to my mom for a few months and had to come out a second time when she didn’t get it.
Haha, I totally did the casual “drop it into conversation” technique. I didn’t even intend to come out.
Me: blah blah, telling cute story about how I left a note asking out “the person working at the coffeeshop.”
Mom: “Like a guy?”
Me: “Well, more like a girl. I mean, I don’t even know if she’s into girls or not, but I thought it was worth a shot.”
Mom: “I didn’t know you were into girls.”
Me: “Oh. Yeah. I mean, I still like guys too, but girls are, you don’t have all those weird power/gender dynamics.”
Mom: “Oh, that makes sense.”
Me: [continuing to talk about my birthday plans].
Wow, that’s an awesome way to come out.
Number 8: The big question here is how ready both of you are to make it work if that is what you want to do (and you seem pretty avid about this).
Long distance relationships take so much work and so it’s basically a trade off. If you’re American, Canada really isn’t that far away.
1. Do you want to make it work?
2. Can you deal with a long distance relationship? A lot of people cannot, that is just a personal thing you have to think about. Skype is your friend.
3. Will it be permanent? Permanent long distance relationships have an overwhelming tendency to fail. Could you go to college in the same area or even get jobs and live together/near each other once you are 18 and presumably have graduated high school. [If you have the option and inclination it is a good idea to stay in school]
4. Visits!
It is absolutely manageable and you can do it. Go you! You’re a superstar!
Source: I go to school in Scotland and my girlfriend studies in Boston so we are apart about 9 1/2 months out of the year.
Go you too! I go to school in Texas and my girlfriend lives in London. We have been apart for 10 months now, but I’ll graduate in a year and be off to England :)
I agree, it is extremely hard at first but it gets better and it is totally manageable. Also, it’ll make your relationship stronger in the end.
And I don’t think anyone understands how good skype really is until they’re in a long distance relationship…
4. Very important question: vests. where do lezzies buy vests?
Guess occasionally has decent vests, but usually they’re too femme-y for me. My favorite vests are all from Bebe.
6. I came out the closet two yrs ago but ended up meeting a nice guy and started dating him but now all I can think about it women and how I really want to be with one (sexually) I’m not sure what to do because I really care for him a lot.
Sounds like you already know what to do, actually.
I also love a good vest. Here is an example of how to find one: http://lmgtfy.com/?q=women%27s+sweater+vest (you can also specify, ex. argyle, wool, leather, or whatever.)
Or, you could hit thrift shops, where you have the possibility of finding a unique fashion statement from out of the time machine that thrift stores can be.
Depending on the time you have and your level of investment…
inVESTment. bam!
OMG I love that word queerdos! I AM STEALING IT FROM YOU.
Um, sorry I don’t have any words of wisdom apart from: you do you, communication is the key, and be brave!
“9. I’ve decided that I will not come out to my family because I think its dumb that I have to “come out” as me. My sister didn’t have to have a production when she starting dating a guy. Do you think a formal “coming out” is necessary?”
I completely agree and I’ve decided not to come out to my parents either. If they ask, I’m not going to deny it, but I’m not going to bring it up unless I want to get married or something. All of my LGBT friends are appalled at this which I find really surprising, but if you don’t feel the aching need to get it off your chest (because I definitely don’t), then I don’t see why it’s necessary.
I agree with you 100%
I did the same thing, only came out to my mom when she flat out asked me. Never felt the need to sit them down and tell them and I still don’t.
The way I see it, you don’t *have* to do anything. There are compelling reasons to do the whole coming out thing, imo (like more political visibility in the community eh wot) but if those aren’t compelling reasons to you? Your life is your own, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
AGREED with this. Before I became an activist and did a minor in GLBT Studies, I felt really unmotivated to come out because it felt like SO NOT A BIG DEAL and WHY DO I HAVE TO DO IT when no one else does. And then I realized that explicitly telling the people in my life that I was bi was pretty important to me because I wanted them to KNOW that they knew a bi person, that we’re not just unicorns, that we really do exist, that we have lives and feelings and comment on blogs occasionally etc.
THIS. Explicitly coming out (ooer) to people not only helps kill off bisexual erasure but it also increases your chances of meeting other bi people. For years I thought I didn’t know any bi people until I started talking about it on a regular basis and they just started springing up!
Of course, if we let go of the silly pink/blue/purple thing and just adopt the unicorn as the bisexual spirit animal or something no one would be able to forget our existence.
We should do that, then. GO TEAM UNICORN.
I felt the same way until I started sort-of dating a girl, and I knew my parents would be hurt if/when they found out that I was keeping that from them, so I told my mom, and she was not terribly surprised/weirded me out by give me this proud “you finally figured it out!” smile.
2. My girlfriend got her hair buzzed and I don’t find her attractive anymore. I just feel really threatened by buzzcuts. What do I do?
Hair grows back. Pretty fast actually. Just let her know how you feel about it.
5. I’m 23 and work at a college. The students I work with are around my age and see me as a peer. I went to a conference as an advisor and I think one of the students from the trip is interested in me? I’m interested back/conflicted/what should I do?
—
As much as I would have loved for hot!teacher to indicate something in return, regardless of how these people see you, you are obligated to keep your professional life (as a potential figure with abuse of power) and your dating life separate. Wait until you move to another job or the students graduate. Reevaluate. Explore.
1-You can do better. 2-It’s just a haircut, there’s probably something else going on; break up. 3-Go for it. 4-In stores. 5-Go for it. 6-Talk to him about it. 7-You’ll grow out of this. 8-Bummer, but you’ll be 18 one day. 9-Coming out isn’t a theater production, just be honest. 10-As a friend, you should be someone he can talk to regardless of your orientation.
“You can do better”? It doesn’t sound like an issue of quality of girlfriend, but conflicting interests. I don’t feel like the asker is a wronged party in this or anything.
#1, if you guys seriously have nothing in common, or if those few interests are so crucial to you that it’s impossible to bond with her over anything else, then break up. But those few interests you said don’t seem (to me) like enough to write someone off. Just find some friends to share those interests with and accept that you and your girlfriend are different.
Not all people who feel asexual “grow out” of their asexuality. Much like how lesbianism or bisexuality aren’t actually things most people “grow out” of. Saying this just makes people feel more alone.
7 – You’re NOT alone. If you do happen to develop sexual feelings sometime, hurray you don’t have to jump that hurdle! If you don’t, there are other homoromantic asexuals out there. The internet is your friend.
7 – There are definitely other girls out there who feel like you. Google “asexual dating” and you’ll see a bunch of dating sites popping up for people who want romance and companionship without sex.
Wow, Hannah, wanna tell any more ace queermos we’ll grow out of it? I think that’s the exact argument my mama gave me when I confessed to liking girls in seventh grade. Rude, friend, rude.
Lovely Seven, as a panromantic ace, I would be willing to date you, so rest assured there are girls who are willing to date you. The easiest thing to do is seek out fellow homoromantic ace ladies on AVEN or in the community. If the girl you’re interested in is sexual (like my current predicament), let her know upfront. I mean, don’t just drop the bomb, but if there’s a relevant way to tell her, let her know. She will calculate accordingly; and hey, if she really likes you, you two will work it out. Ace/sexual relationships can work, or so I am told, but all your cards need to be on the table so the revelation does not take place when pants are coming off. Negotiating sexual encounters (when you’ve landed the lucky lady) also helps: are you alright with certain acts, even though you won’t get any enjoyment from them? And it’s totally fine if you aren’t. No judgement, little Seven of Spades!
can recommend some websites so i can learn more? google doesn’t necessarily tell me the quality of the websites i peruze.
Sure thing! The main website/forum is AVEN (asexuality visibility and education network); there’s a lot of good information and good people there. The LiveJournal community is also rife with interesting discussions about being asexual from people all over the spectrum.
And Seven, if you’re so inclined to try online dating, Acebook is a dating and social networking site for aces.
#7: Not a helpful answer, but just to let you know you’re not alone, I’m a homoromantic almost-definitely-asexual.
4. Very important question: vests. where do lezzies buy vests?
Children’s stores! My mum was so proud of herself when she found a Christmas-present-vest for me from the little boys’ section at J. Crew. And I was so proud of her for thinking like a lesbian.
I <3 your mom.
Also: Esprit.
I *love* the boys’ section at J.Crew. Just sayin’.
Well, number 3… You’re on a woman’s softball team and so I think that it’s safe to assume that both of you know that each other bats for the same team regardless of what cute different little jerseys you wear. You should ask her if she could help you with your fastball.
I do not play softball, but I follow baseball like nobody’s business, and I feel like the “help you with your fastball” advice is awesome because different finger grips for different pitches are kind of like a sexy allusion to fingerblasting.
What lady doesn’t liked to be asked out with thinly veiled innuendo?
Answer: No lady that you want to be dating.
1. You will know in as much time as it takes you to know.
2. Can’t say because I don’t know what is behind the “threatened.”
3. No, it’s not a bad idea.
4. dunno.
5. Not date her if you are her advisor.
6. You know what to do, it’s just hard.
7. Tell them what to expect from you.
8. I’m sorry about this situation. I hope you aren’t too far to visit until you both are old enough to do what you want to.
9. I like your post. It’s not necessary to come out so do want you want. It was for me, but you do you, k?
10. Tell him you are bi and see what happens.
really interested in everyone’s advice for #2.
#2 can’t be for real, can it? As soon as I got to “threatened by buzz cuts” I thought, Laneia asked this question to Riese (or vice versa).
no i think it’s totally real! i’m kind of fascinated by the whole thing.
this question made me paranoid about my recent haircut. I am invested in the answers too.
http://effingdykes.blogspot.com/2009/05/homo-haircuts.html
There is a funny section in this article about women who have recently shaved their heads and it basically amount to “stay the f*** away from them because they are crazy”. It’s funny and sometimes true but def not always.
Now for my own answer: why do you feel threatened? Do you have some past history with someone with a shaved head? Or do you feel as if your gf is trying to be more masculine than you are ready to deal with? It sounds like this haircut might represent something deeper. Regardless of the answer to these questions I would say you should sit down and talk about this with your lady lover. I would advise not telling her right off the bat that her haircut is threatening/scary/not okay with you because having been told those things about my own hair, I know it’s NOT the best way to start a productive conversation (i.e. there will be tears). Good luck!
10, are you out to this potentially bisexual friend? If not, just coming out to him might help. I loved finding out about gay acquaintances when I was still in the closet – even when I still wasn’t ready to talk about it.
9, I agree. If your family’s gay friendly enough, no one will make a big fuss about it, so there doesn’t need to be a big discussion about it. Heterosexual privilege includes not having to come out, and it’s kind of unfair.
1, only you can determine if it’s enough. You can build new common interests together, or try and introduce your personal hobbies to each other. It also depends on whether those are superficial, or a really significant part of who you are. For instance, I’m *really* really* politicized and passionate about several issues. It’s a really big part of my life, and I don’t think I could be with someone who isn’t passionte about them too. But if it’s just something you do/like, well maybe your relationship can overcome this!
7, there are support groups / networks for asexual peeps. Have you considered introducing yourself there? A lot of them actually have romantic orientations, and date! Dating a fellow asexual would help on the non-sexually interested front. But as a sexual person, I think if I fell for an asexual, I would talk with them about being poly/open to dating other people :/
I have time to kill, so:
1. MY GF is funny, beautiful, but doesn’t like to read, talk politics, eat new cuisines, all of which I LOVE. When do you know when you have just enough in common and should suck it up when it comes to the differences and when to find someone new?
A:Is it only those 3 things she doesn’t like? Can you play scrabble, go for a bike ride, or discuss your feelings ad nauseam? Or could you possibly be looking for an out? If you want out, get out. So many of us keep dating the wrong person to try to make them the right person. IMO.
2. My girlfriend got her hair buzzed and I don’t find her attractive anymore. I just feel really threatened by buzzcuts. What do I do?
A. Get over it, it’s just hair. Plus, its on her head. But I’d examine your feelings of being threatened by it and the responsibility would still be on your shoulders to get ova’ it.
3. Is it a bad idea to ask a women in my softball league (different team) who is quite a bit older and whom I never really met on a date right after introducing myself? We’ve both totally checked each other out, but she hasn’t made a move yet.
A. I think it’d be sweet! However, can you have some small talk first so you know if she is available?
4. Very important question: vests. where do lezzies buy vests?
A. At the special lesbian vest store. Everyone one has one waiting for them. Let the vest pick you, Harry.
5. I’m 23 and work at a college. The students I work with are around my age and see me as a peer. I went to a conference as an advisor and I think one of the students from the trip is interested in me? I’m interested back/conflicted/what should I do?
A. Check your handbook or find out the policy.
6. I came out the closet two yrs ago but ended up meeting a nice guy and started dating him but now all I can think about it women and how I really want to be with one (sexually) I’m not sure what to do because I really care for him a lot.
A: Communication & Honesty with yourself and the boy
7. I think I might be asexual, but I’m emotionally/romantically attracted to girls, which I guess would make me a homo-romantic asexual. Are there even any girls who would be willing to date me?! And how/when do i let them know what to expect from me…?
A: I don’t know.
8. My girlfriend and I love each other. It’s actually real. Her mom informed her yesterday that they are moving back to Canada after graduation, and there is no way that she can stay here in the U.S. with me, because we’re both 17. Your thoughts?
A: I thought it was real at 17, too. Traveling is good for the soul, though.
9. I’ve decided that I will not come out to my family because I think its dumb that I have to “come out” as me. My sister didn’t have to have a production when she starting dating a guy. Do you think a formal “coming out” is necessary?
A: I don’t have an answer so much as I want to know how you will handle conversations about general stuff. Like when mom says, ‘oh honey, you look so cute, the boys will drool’ or when you get married blah blah” Go you!
10. I find out through the rumor mill that a friend I used to think was the straightest of straight dudes might actually be bisexual. As a fellow bi, how do I let him know that I’m someone he can talk to without forcing him to tell me if he’s not ready?
A: Be his friend. Share your experiences. Ignore rumors.
“So many of us keep dating the wrong person to try to make them the right person.”
TRUEST STORY EVER.
“Lady, I got tickets so we can ride my favourite rollercoaster!”
“I told you the other six times that I hate rollecoasters.”
“But you love me? Ergo, you love rollercoasters?”
“But you love me? Ergo, you love rollercoasters?”
^^HEARTS
“Let the vest pick you, Harry”
YOU WIN ALL THE THINGS FOR THIS. Yes to a lesbian Ollivanders.
I hear when you find the right vest, sparks fly out of it.
I hear that when you really find the right vest, sparks fly with the ladies. That’s the real magic of lesbian Ollivanders.
This is true, I have seen it happen.
Nothing can evade Harry Potter references.
I have a vest I love from Guess. It’s femme-y and fitted, but looks pretty gay (ie: homosexual AND awesome).
These are like filling out the old school myspace surveys but more awesomer.
1. If you’re asking, it’s time.
2. Dump her! On her behalf, thank you for the dodged bullet.
3. NO! Softball chicks are hot. Do it to it.
4. Is this a trick question? What KIND of vest? For what TYPE of dresser?
5. Wait, the trip is already over? Forget it. The pluses of trip sex are already past their Best If Enjoyed By date.
6. Don’t be a cheater whore. Be a noble straight girl or a noble lesbian or a noble bi-person, but don’t be a cheater whore. If you INSIST on cheater-whoring, at least make it safe-sex cheater whoring, for the love of vadge.
7. I have no idea, but I hope you find someone dreamy and asexual to snuggle with.
8. Sweet and tender young lesbians. Cry, write letters, send mix tapes, throw yourselves into long-distance relationship oblivion and see what happens. You’ll probably do it anyway. Reassess at the end of summer.
9. No. Screw it, but also screw being closeted. You’ll sort it out. Who’s in a rush?
10. Have you seen the last Glee episode? Or read the last Effing Dykes post? If you haven’t sorted it out after all that, let us know, kiddo!
#2: well if she’s got the balls to get a buzzcut, she maybe also has the balls to have fun with it right? like okay – you are threatened by buzzcuts. but are you threatened by PIRATE HATS DURING SEX??! there are so many fun options here. if i got a buzzcut i would seriously buy so many cool wigs.
“like okay – you are threatened by buzzcuts. but are you threatened by PIRATE HATS DURING SEX??!”
best response ever.
2. I don’t know jack shit about relationships but here’s my advice: I’d try to talk to her about it, and see why she got a buzz cut in the first place/what she values in it. Does she think it looks good, or did she do it more for practicality or to assert part of her identity? Do you feel threatened by how stark it looks or by what it implies about her? I mean, it’s her head, but maybe you need to hear it from her that this buzz cut is not a radical new direction or something in her life, or that if it is, what that means for you + her (probably nothing.)
Aw hell, why not? It’s Friday and I just watched Natalie Portman wear a series of fetching plaid shirts on a company outing to Thor, SO. Let’s answer some questions!
1. MY GF is funny, beautiful, but doesn’t like to read, talk politics, eat new cuisines, all of which I LOVE. When do you know when you have just enough in common and should suck it up when it comes to the differences and when to find someone new?
Identify your priorities, darling. If you’re going to be grumbling every date about how you can’t go to the bookstore after dinner and or resent that Obama’s latest speech makes you jump up and down while she rolls her eyes at you, then you crazy kids are gonna have some trouble. But if you find yourself joyously fixing her chicken nuggets alongside your hamachi crudo while you think about what an awesome talk you guys had last night before some mind-blowing sex, y’all might just make it.
3. Is it a bad idea to ask a women in my softball league (different team) who is quite a bit older and whom I never really met on a date right after introducing myself? We’ve both totally checked each other out, but she hasn’t made a move yet.
The worst that can happen is awkward blushing. The best that can happen is that she helps you work out your throwing arm. ADVANTAGE: ASKING HER OUT.
6. I came out the closet two yrs ago but ended up meeting a nice guy and started dating him but now all I can think about it women and how I really want to be with one (sexually) I’m not sure what to do because I really care for him a lot.
Let me tell you a little story called, “I knew I was attracted to girls but then I met a nice guy and got married but I couldn’t stop imagining my best friend naked so that union lasted approximately an instant.” Don’t let it happen to you. Seriously. My above tone might be light, but it is so, so tough once you’re IN IT. If sex and sexual attraction are important to you, and you find yourself not wanting what he’s selling, no amount of nice guy vibes will make it better. Be completely, brutally honest with yourself. Don’t stay because “he’s such a nice guy.” It’s unfair to you both, and that will bite you in the ass so, so hard down the road. But above all, trust your heart, whatever direction it may point you.
8. My girlfriend and I love each other. It’s actually real. Her mom informed her yesterday that they are moving back to Canada after graduation, and there is no way that she can stay here in the U.S. with me, because we’re both 17. Your thoughts?
My amazing girlfriend moved across the country from me in January. I mean, straight up, it’s tough bidnass. But you love each other, you give it a shot, you know? We sleep next to each other almost every night on Skype. It’s pretty g(ay)reat. We make it work.
Hope some of this helps, loves. Let us know how it turns out for y’all.
#4 I buy vests from the little boys’ section at Walmart cuz they’re cheap! :D
But I guess that doesn’t work if you have big boobs…sorry…
Also sometimes they have cool/cheap ones at Charlotte Rousse
#9 (why should i have to “come out” to my parents?):
i did not come out directly to my parents (when i first realized when i was 16). i knew for sure they would be okay with it and they just figured it out when i brought a girl home. i have some thoughts based on this experience:
i resented having to come out when my straight friends didn’t and at the time i felt that as the reason for not doing it. however, in retrospect, i also just didn’t want to because i wasn’t totally comfortable with my sexuality or talking about it. which is totally totally fine, but be honest with yourself. coming out could be all different things; truly just something you don’t want to bother with, uncomfortable but good, or even unsafe. i think doing it should be based on what will honestly work the best for each situation and relationship, not on what you “should” have to do. we “have” to do things straight people don’t. it’s really annoying but true.
and, depending on who you are and what your family is like, how accepting they are, it can be more like an opportunity to dicuss what’s going on with you and how you think about yourself, getting them on the same page. it can, obviously, be really nice to have other people seeing you more in the way you see yourself. i found, for myself, not coming out sort of became a way to avoid talking about myself at all to my parents. it was relief when i finally had a convo with my mom, and it wasn’t just like “i’m gay!,” it was like, well i like girls but i feel like this and like this, gave her some details. it felt better to explain myself to her than to think about what she was assuming about me.
basically, i feel like “coming out” makes being gay/whatev three dimensional for people who don’t totally get it. some people. people who aren’t jerks. i hope your parents aren’t jerks.
2. Hair grows
6. Talk to him about it, see if he’s down with you experimenting on your own or a threesome. (threesomes have an overwhelming tendency to suck and/or end in you getting arrested. Just fair warning. Long story.)
9. I never came out to my mom, but my girlfriend and I live with her (we’re in college), we share a room, and I know that she’s 100% okay with me being gay, though we’ve never talked about. True story. No one can know the dynamic of your relationship with your parents as well as you.
4. I find thrift stores to be my best bet, just because the ones I see in department stores are a little too femme for me. But I would definitely go for little boy’s clothing stores as well.
1. MY GF is funny, beautiful, but doesn’t like to read, talk politics, eat new cuisines, all of which I LOVE. When do you know when you have just enough in common and should suck it up when it comes to the differences and when to find someone new?
Here is a list of things my wife and I don’t share interests in:
– loud political discussions that border on arguments (me)
– really bad television shows that are only watched because they include a lesbian (her, although there are a couple I’ll watch *cough*glee*cough*)
– writing science fiction (me)
– Elder Scrolls games (her)
– board/card games (me)
– getting into flamewars on the Internet (me)
and there are probably more but I can’t think of them right now.
My point being that the wife and I have been together for more than 10 years now. The secret really is to find other friends to indulge in the other stuff with. For example, one of my friends has a card game group that meets every few months, so I’ll go over and play card games with them instead of threatening my other half with a cribbage board.
2. My girlfriend got her hair buzzed and I don’t find her attractive anymore. I just feel really threatened by buzzcuts. What do I do?
Who knows. It might grow on you. (Pun intended.)
3. Is it a bad idea to ask a women in my softball league (different team) who is quite a bit older and whom I never really met on a date right after introducing myself? We’ve both totally checked each other out, but she hasn’t made a move yet.
What’s the worst thing that can happen? She might say “sorry, I’m taken” or “sorry, you’re too young for me” or “sorry, I’m actually straight even though I play softball” (hey, it happens). If these things sound too hard to bear, you might want to do the small-talk thing. If you can take the hit, go for it.
4. Very important question: vests. where do lezzies buy vests?
As I said upthread – Esprit. My favorite vest is from there!
5. I’m 23 and work at a college. The students I work with are around my age and see me as a peer. I went to a conference as an advisor and I think one of the students from the trip is interested in me? I’m interested back/conflicted/what should I do?
IT’S A TRAP.
6. I came out the closet two yrs ago but ended up meeting a nice guy and started dating him but now all I can think about it women and how I really want to be with one (sexually) I’m not sure what to do because I really care for him a lot.
Have you had the exclusivity talk with him? If he’s happy to let you explore your sexual attraction to women on the side (or participate in it, whatever works for your both), then everyone can win!
7. I think I might be asexual, but I’m emotionally/romantically attracted to girls, which I guess would make me a homo-romantic asexual. Are there even any girls who would be willing to date me?! And how/when do i let them know what to expect from me…?
There are, in fact, asexual homo-romantic girls out there. I’ve run into them on other websites before! The NaNoWriMo forums seem to be full of them, actually. So if you have any interest in writing, perhaps write a novel in November? ;)
8. My girlfriend and I love each other. It’s actually real. Her mom informed her yesterday that they are moving back to Canada after graduation, and there is no way that she can stay here in the U.S. with me, because we’re both 17. Your thoughts?
Are you both willing to do the long-distance thing? I’ve made it work (with the previously mentioned wife, in fact) and while it’s a pain in the ass (and the heart) sometimes, it’s not insurmountable.
9. I’ve decided that I will not come out to my family because I think its dumb that I have to “come out” as me. My sister didn’t have to have a production when she starting dating a guy. Do you think a formal “coming out” is necessary?
As I’ve said upthread, the only thing that is necessary for you is what you find necessary.
There’s every possibility that your opinion on this may change in the future, but cross that bridge when/if you come to it.
10. I find out through the rumor mill that a friend I used to think was the straightest of straight dudes might actually be bisexual. As a fellow bi, how do I let him know that I’m someone he can talk to without forcing him to tell me if he’s not ready?
Definitely come out, if not explicitly, then by dropping hints into conversation. I actually drew a coworker out that way!
5. ADMIRAL ACKBAR LESBIAN EVAN RACHEL WOOD BISEXUAL
<3
YES.
Nanowrimo!Nanowrimo!
Let’s be best friends!
AHHH!
[i]how do you make italics[/i]
i was wondering this also
apparently words doesn’t work
autostraddle all my html tags are falling into the void, wtf?
okay i am trying one more thing and if this doesnt work i am quitting the internet for the day
WIN
ok what was it
did you pray hard to xenu
^excellent.
1. MY GF is funny, beautiful, but doesn’t like to read, talk politics, eat new cuisines, all of which I LOVE. When do you know when you have just enough in common and should suck it up when it comes to the differences and when to find someone new?
When you run out of things to say, I think. I mean, its ok to have differences. Our dynamic is exactly like yours, and over the years (especially once we moved in together) she’s become way more adventurous about trying food I make, has realised that politics isn’t dead boring and cares about some things now (though never as much as me). I don’t mind sitting through anotherfreakingepsiode of Battlestar Galactica because it makes her happy to have company while she does. Its ok that sometimes I like to go upstairs and read a book while she watches b grade horror films, and we have some friends who aren’t mutual friends that we can do our own thing with. I think that’s half the reason we work. If those things aren’t the most important things to you (which is also ok), compromises kind of organically happen.
1. I wouldn’t want to date mirror image of me; that being said if you are incapable of having any kind of conversation how did you end up where you are in the first place? no? there is stuff to talk about? k move on.
2. I hope this one wasn’t about me. I know my hair is not cute but I am also so so lazy and so cheap.
3. I’m a wimp and I never would myself but you go for it.
4. I don’t know, this was a good question to ask because like my haircut, my wardrobe probs. offends my girlfriend.
5. work + anything else = sketchy.
6.watch out. I did that once and it turned into a relationship that went on like… 4 years past it’s expiration date and then it was SO MUCH worse. Also I hadn’t come out to anyone except myself and him (as bi, which I am not, really) so maybe your case is different…. eh. if it feels weird fix it.
7. I’m not asexual but I get it and prob. could be for the right person. Just be honest. I like to introduce myself with a list of deal breakers (ok, maybe not right away, but soon) and see if people can cope. No reason to stick around to find out they can’t deal. ps asexual not a deal breaker and at certain points in my life I could see that coming as a “YES!” moment.
8. That’s really rough. I got nothing.
9. Get a buzz cut? Or just tell them when you need/want/feel inspired to do so. That’s your family, you know them.
10.Rumor mills=evil. come out to your friend. don’t drop obnoxious, thinly veiled hints that are obvious. if you can talk you will talk but that whole, “you know you can talk to me” just puts people on the spot, particularly if, in fact, they don’t have anything to talk about. <this is poorly punctuated i know sorry.
Vests question.
Urban Outfitters?
so, i’ve weirdly thought about question 2 a lot, as it pertains to my own life…
i recently got a really short haircut and it was a BIG DEAL to me. it had been something i wanted to do for a long time, but i’d been afraid to, or i felt like it wouldn’t be appropriate or something, so when i finally did, i felt this huge sense of…oh, i don’t know…empowerment…point was, i felt more like myself. this may seem like such a small thing…hair…but our self-presentation is huge. after i cut my hair i started dressing differently, in styles that made me feel more like me. i didn’t know i could feel more like me. it was huge.
i was terrified my girlfriend would be put off by this more masculine-centered look– she fell in love with me when my hair was nearly elbow length and i wore pink hoodies. i was growing into myself, growing into a different person maybe, and would she still be attracted when i finished?
after all, people are attracted to different things– i remember reading on AS about the calendar girls and how irritated people were that their particular attractive element wasn’t represented, and how certain people just didn’t “do much” for them.
so yeah. hair is a big deal. and it won’t grow back if she keeps cutting it– if it makes her feel more like her. the thought of growing out my hair again– maybe into something more “professional” or “marketable” looking– horrifies me, and i wouldn’t want to do it, so if it was straight up something my girl wasn’t attracted to, it’d be a problem, and i’d feel weird forcing different preferences on her.
so yeah. hair. big deal. figure out what it’s indicative of.
9. Psh, formal closet coming ceremony, not necessary. I just did what I did and if they figured it out, great. I suppose they fogured out I was a cross dresser when I started wearing boxers…
Even though I came out without much/any fanfare, but when you say “formal closet coming ceremony” I imagine a really awesome/hot dyke ball, like a cotillion but 100x gayer and better and I want that… extremely extremely belatedly.
#5 – Don’t do it! It’s cool for the students to consider you a friend, but dating is just too complicated/risky. Imagine telling your boss about it and if you can picture that going well, then maybe your situation isn’t what I’m thinking. But once your private life involves people from your work place, it’s no longer private.
Also consider the college’s policies very very carefully. At the Uni I was a TA at the sexual harassment policy was basically if a student accusses you you are considered guilty until proven innocent. You are not allowed on campus again until you are proven innocent. If things don’t go well and the student wants to take it out on you, or even if some other student is crazy jealous somehow of either of you, it might not take much for them to fuck you over in a big, big way.
Re: Vests. I found my perfect vest and the perfect shirt to go with it. I even took a picture so I could always remember how perfect it was. Unfortunately, as the only thing in the ENTIRE store (Benetton) that was not on sale during the January Sales, it was 100E for the two. But if there is a vest fairy out there who can find me the Spring 2010 collection vest from Benetton lightly used and cheap, HOLLA.
Disclaimer: I am sick as a dog and have had an interesting cocktail of cold meds and tea.
1. MY GF is funny, beautiful, but doesn’t like to read, talk politics, eat new cuisines, all of which I LOVE. When do you know when you have just enough in common and should suck it up when it comes to the differences and when to find someone new?
The fact that you are asking this question implies that you are seriously considering walking. If these differences are big enough to make you question your investment in this relationship, I say end it. PS. I am assuming you have asked her to try all these things and had talks/feelings about it all and that she doesn’t want to try any of them and won’t at any point in the future.
2. My girlfriend got her hair buzzed and I don’t find her attractive anymore. I just feel really threatened by buzzcuts. What do I do?
Why do you feel threatened by buzzcuts? Could you look into this? Also, hair grows. Talk to her about it and investigate your feelings and remember that hair grows. If she doesn’t maintain it, it’ll be gone in like 6-8 weeks (experience: girlfriend who had an admittedly hot buzz cut). Girlfriend on couch interjects: “Don’t think of it as threatening, think of it as a walking talking… fuzzy thing.”
3. Is it a bad idea to ask a women in my softball league (different team) who is quite a bit older and whom I never really met on a date right after introducing myself? We’ve both totally checked each other out, but she hasn’t made a move yet.
Can you deal with the fallout if she says no or says yes and then it turns out terribad? Would you still be able to happily compete against her? If you have no fucks left to give on these matters, then go for it. You’ve “totally checked each other out” so just say hi some day and ask her to do some social thing you like to do. Give her your number.
4. Very important question: vests. where do lezzies buy vests?
First: Good call, because vests = hot. Second: idk girl, vests are in season now/always. I’ve had luck at various outlets including Ann Taylor and BCBG. Whoever said Urban Outfitters was also right, though they’re not usually my vest style. If you’re more masculine of center, though, I got nothing. I’ll ask the girlfriend (who just came back with soup for my sick self), brb. Okay, she says J Crew. I also have seen her looking at vests at Gap online, come to think of it. Also thrift stores.
5. I’m 23 and work at a college. The students I work with are around my age and see me as a peer. I went to a conference as an advisor and I think one of the students from the trip is interested in me? I’m interested back/conflicted/what should I do?
Well, do not touch her until she is no longer remotely in your work situation / hierarchy. I mostly say this because if it goes bad, that could mean it gets taken out on your job / job security.
6. I came out the closet two yrs ago but ended up meeting a nice guy and started dating him but now all I can think about it women and how I really want to be with one (sexually) I’m not sure what to do because I really care for him a lot.
Explain this to him. See what happens.
7. I think I might be asexual, but I’m emotionally/romantically attracted to girls, which I guess would make me a homo-romantic asexual. Are there even any girls who would be willing to date me?! And how/when do i let them know what to expect from me…?
Let them know upfront. Send them to asexuality.org (AVEN) if they have not already been there. Send them there again anyway. Answer/ask questions. I feel like this can be worked out, and yes, there will be girls who are willing to date you. Sex drives are often mismatched to some degree, and I’ve seen asexual friends of mine in happy relationships. I mostly feel I am unqualified to answer this question since I am just the sexual person who happens to have asexual friends.
8. My girlfriend and I love each other. It’s actually real. Her mom informed her yesterday that they are moving back to Canada after graduation, and there is no way that she can stay here in the U.S. with me, because we’re both 17. Your thoughts?
Long distance can work, I think, provided that you have a set end date. I have done long distance with a set end date, and while it was hard, it brought us closer in other ways. Also, there is no chance of her going to college in the U.S.?
9. I’ve decided that I will not come out to my family because I think its dumb that I have to “come out” as me. My sister didn’t have to have a production when she starting dating a guy. Do you think a formal “coming out” is necessary?
I think this is an awesome way to look at it, and no, I don’t think you need to do a formal coming out. I just was up front about it when I had a girlfriend. Maybe they will have questions, maybe they will not.
10. I find out through the rumor mill that a friend I used to think was the straightest of straight dudes might actually be bisexual. As a fellow bi, how do I let him know that I’m someone he can talk to without forcing him to tell me if he’s not ready?
Rumors! It’s like Glee last week except not at all. Does he know you are bi? Regardless, I’m all for the direct approach, like, hanging out with him alone, having fun, doing the fun stuff you do, and then sliding in there “So I know there have been rumors going around, and while I don’t believe anything about anyone unless it comes from their mouth, I wanted to let you know that if you were maybe not 100% straight, I am still 100% your friend. Also, I’m bi. Like a glittery unicorn. You knew that right? Okay, we don’t ever have to talk about this again if you don’t want to. Pass me the game controller and/or the popcorn.”
PS. I love you all. Please send more cough drops.
I love all of your responses, but especially the last one: “Also, I’m bi. Like a glittery unicorn.” and “Okay, we don’t ever have to talk about this again if you don’t want to. Pass me the game controller and/or the popcorn.”
2. My girlfriend got her hair buzzed and I don’t find her attractive anymore. I just feel really threatened by buzzcuts. What do I do?
Well homegirl, i feel you! I dated this bangin ass chick many moons ago thick in all the right places with long beautiful curly hair.
a year in she dropped like 60lbs n chopped her hair off. needless to say, i was no longer attracted to her but i tried to be a good lesbian and stick it out.
my ex has never gone back to how she used to look and eventually we did break up.
but do you wanna go through months of not f*cking or imagining her as someone else?
the answer to that one is NO. no matter what you’re lesbian tendencies tell you. no no no.
if you ain’t into it and feel like the buzz cut is here to stay then cut this girl loose so she can’t find some chick that’ll cream all over her shaven head.
5. I’m 23 and work at a college. The students I work with are around my age and see me as a peer. I went to a conference as an advisor and I think one of the students from the trip is interested in me? I’m interested back/conflicted/what should I do?
mama, are there no other girls around the town where your school is?
you need to get this one rule locked into your brain:
DON’T SHIT WHERE YOU EAT.
now that being said, is this girl like the for real love of your life? when she walks do sunbeams glide off her skin and melt into your heart?
be truthful! not wistful! cuz if she isn’t worth wrecking the sanctity of where you work then please skip over this chick.
if she’s just a cutie then remember there are cuties everywhere! like for real, open your eyes, remove the campus goggles and go on a neighborhood chick hunt. hehe
and remember, once your title goes from “student” to “advisor” or “lecturer” or even “janitor” shit is different and relationships with imbalances of power just get messy.
so if she’s the one and you need this one girl in order to live happily ever after then you might wanna consider removing yourself from any “advisor” based relationship w her.
if not, girl, find a new chick to swoon over.
1. MY GF is funny, beautiful, but doesn’t like to read, talk politics, eat new cuisines, all of which I LOVE. When do you know when you have just enough in common and should suck it up when it comes to the differences and when to find someone new?
well do you need a doppleganger or a girlfriend? like i think sometimes us lesbians expect our partner to reflect everything we are into. for example:
i like kittens. she must like kittens.
i am a vegetarian. she must be one too.
i like field hockey. she should be on a fh team.
(none of those things are true about me btw haha)
if she’s hot and funny, babygirl, you’ve already got like the 2 most important parts of the awesome girlfriend recipe going. ::cheese grin::
have you investigated the things she actually likes? or just noticed that she’s not quoting rachel maddow to you on FB?
it’s kinda like if you want a sexy massage from a girl, the first step in acquiring one would be to give her one.
if she likes hot dogs, take the chick to a Mets Game. If she’s super dope, she might turn around and find a new fusion spot to take you.
do some digging into her likes homegirl.
my wife is very different from me. she’s Hot97 n I’m NPR/CollegeRadio.
it works and she puts things on my radar that i never wlda noticed before and I do the same for her.
it all depends on how truly into her you are. figure that out first before you go making decisions based on anything else.
“she’s Hot97 n I’m NPR/CollegeRadio.”
perfect.
you don’t like kittens?
exactly what i was thinking.
coconut water … I have sooo many feelings about coconut water, and they are all happy, but that’s for a different post.
#9: I personally think this approach is futuristic in a good way. It could someday be like this where no one assumes. We’re not there yet (my coming out to parents was the most heartfelt letter of my life) but if you wanna pioneer the movement – fucking rock it out. Good luck.
RE: #2 Shaved head.
Rub it. Seriously, rub her head. It’ll changed your world.
1. chocolate
2. chocolate
3. chocolate
4. people look like douches in vests, put the $ towards scuba gear
5. chocolate
6. chocolate
7. chocolate
8. chocolate
9. chocolate
10. chocolate
#4 makes me happy, but only cause i look like a douche in a vest and i wish others did too.
that’s awesome, you may want to go with a sweatervest for maximum doucheness.
i’m so jealous of anyone who can pull them off.
I just feel incredibly unequipped to answer any of this. I don’t know how to do life. This pointless comment on a saturday night when I should be reading for my exam or at least partying. Why is my girlfriend sending me drunk texts but not taking my calls. I don’t understand this. The questions are overwhelming. How do you do it, autostraddle.com?
BUZZCUTS WILL KILL
WOMEN WILL BECOME MEN
SOCIETY DOOMED
MEN WILL MAKE MY SANDWICHES
WHICH WILL LEAD TO THEIR UTTER EMASCULATION AND DESTRUCTION
sign me up.
MAN-HATING BRUNHILDA BULLDYKE WITCH
RE: #3
Typically the best results occur when youboth play for the same team, but switch hitters are a thing.
1. If there are things that you really love and she’s not interested in the least, or at least interested in learning more about them, I would consider it some kind of a red flag. Some people are just great people—doesn’t mean they’re great for you in the long run, as much as that sucks.
2. I’ve got nothing…buzzcuts aren’t my thing so I would probs just leave a wig lying around or something and play “Whip My Hair,” on repeat, really loud, with a mournful face as she stares at you.
3. Um, YES. This is how people meet people. Dates! Do it! You live once damn it! Also, nothing’s cooler than sleeping with the enemy.
4. I don’t know the answer to this question because I cut the sleeves off of my sweatshirts and I have an old denim Levi’s vest and that’s usually what you’ll find me wearing. Maybe like urban or something? H&M? I shop online…
5. Have you SEEN Bloomington or Loving Annabelle? Because usually this scenario is up there with number one lesbot dream in the world. If it’s not against the rules then I don’t see a problem with it. If it is against the rules…that could be bad for your job and such. BUT AGAIN, have you SEEN Bloomington or Loving Annabelle?
6. You have to talk about this with him. Bottom line. It’s scary and it sucks, but that’s the only solution that’s not going to bite you in the ass later on.
7. Hmm…that’s a toughie. It’s not like life is an episode of Glee where we walk around in t-shirts reading super-secret things about ourselves. I mean, I guess it comes down to if you meet the right person and then gradually introducing the idea into conversation and—also, you never know where your feelings will go. If you’re emotionally and romantically attracted to girls, never rule out the possibility that it could be physical. You don’t have to live your life as a walking disclaimer though—especially when you’re not even sure about your own preferences.
8. This is the first time I’ve ever been mad at Canada. That’s the first point I want to make. Second, UGH, that really sucks. When you’re not 18 there’s not much to do here other than long-distance and tell her to go to college in the States or vice-versa. I’m sorry girl.
9. The more and more I think about it: no. I mean, I think if you’re someone who is in a visible, public position the answer to this question can be a little different. It’s such a nuanced issue because at the micro-level, why the fuck does it matter? You have to come out all the time anyway—it’s not just once. Just because you tell your family doesn’t mean that the next thousand people you meet in your life in the context of school/job/homeless person on the street won’t be curious. It’s not like there’s a might conch shell call that alerts the world. So, no, I don’t think it’s necessary for a big formal coming out. If they ask, just tell them like it ain’t no thang. Because it ISN’T.
10. “I watched the coolest documentary ‘Bi The Way,’ it just popped up as a recommendation on my Netflix, have you seen it?”
omg, on 10 how could i FORGET!?!?
EVAN RACHEL WOODS BISEXUAL
HAVE YOU HEARD?
1. I guess the issue is how important those are to you. It doesn’t make you shallow if they are. While there are plenty of people who could date someone who isn’t interested in politics, or who differs from them significantly in their views, I know I couldn’t do either, since politics is a huge part of my life. I couldn’t date someone who doesn’t like classical music, because I’m a classical composer and I kinda want to be able to discuss what I do for a living, you know? But I don’t give a shit whether my SO likes sports or not, though that might be significant to someone else. So it really matters a lot. Are you feeling sad a lot because you want to discuss politics and she shuts you down, or because you want to go to the bookstore and she has no interest? That might be something to think about. But if you otherwise get along swimmingly and you’re just worried about how this will work in the long-term – I’d say stay with her and be happy until (and if) it does become a problem.
2. I feel you, as I find buzz cuts unattractive in both sexes (I am bisexual). Again, some people find certain things attractive and some don’t and don’t feel bad if you’re more into femmey women. But I don’t have much advice about how you would proceed. I would say like others have that if it bothers you to the extent that it’s terrifying you, there’s probably something more to that and I would think about what that is. There are a lot of haircuts that I find off-putting but I wouldn’t say they were scary to me.
3. I say do it! What do you have to lose?
4. I don’t wear vests so I can’t really answer this question.
5. I would, first of all, check out what your college’s policy is about these things. You could get fired. Even if you check it and that’s not a possibility, you could still risk losing your good reputation, which is especially vulnerable as you’re just starting out. So tread carefully – and definitely don’t date a student who you are currently teaching or might possibly teach in the near future. Everyone and I mean everyone is going to be suspicious about whether her grades are an honest reflection of her work in the class, or if they’ve been boosted by some “extra credit” (wink wink) in the bedroom. And if you give her an honest grade and it isn’t a very good one, that’ll likely cause some friction in your relationship. So, in short: check your school’s policy, ask yourself again if it’s really worth it, and if it is, just stick to students you’re not teaching.
6. I’d say maybe it’s a good idea to come out to him as bi (if you haven’t already) and discuss whether he’s willing to go the nonmongamous route, to let you explore your feelings for women, with or without him in there with you, as well as staying with him. This could be a win-win situation.
7. As others have said, check out AVEN and other places where asexuals abound. The Internet is a big place, it isn’t too hard to find people in your area who share your preferences. And even some of us sexuals are willing to date aces sometimes. That said, I’d be incredibly clear about it from the beginning so that you don’t need to worry about awkwardness when they start taking clothes off.
8. You’re 17, and while it may seem very “real” now, odds are it won’t in a few years – and therefore it’s a really bad decision to make drastic life decisions based on it. (This is not a criticism of your relationship in particular, just saying the statistics are against you.) So I wouldn’t go picking a college to be with each other, either of you. For now I’d just accept the shitty circumstances and make the best of what you have. Get accounts on Skype, Facebook, and/or AIM if you don’t use them already. Get a good long-distance phone plan. Send each other care packages from time to time via the snail-mail. Start planning visits, if possible. Long-distance relationships can work if you’re willing to put the work into them. Use this as a trial to see if your relationship really is one for the ages, and then maybe after college, if you’re still together, consider moving to be with each other.
9. It’s a nice idea, but if your family is at all homophobic, it’s just going to make it worse for you when you get a girlfriend. Even if they’re not, shocks like that when you’re so far down the line can be a bit much. So if you don’t want to make an official pronouncement, I’d just try to slip it in somehow – mention gay shows you watch, mention you’re going to a lesbian bar after work, whatever. Unfortunately, as much as it feels we shouldn’t have to, LGBT people will probably continue coming out until long after our rights are won – since we will always be a minority group and therefore the assumption will always be that someone is straight until proven queer.
10. This was actually from me. Just to clarify: I am completely out at school, though I’ve never specifically told this friend that I am bisexual because it hasn’t come up and I figure most people at my school (it’s a small music conservatory and kind of a fishbowl) know by now. The gossip in particular is that he had sex with a bunch of guys at our school before beginning to date his current girlfriend, with whom I am also friends – and I kind of became friends with him through her. Part of the problem I should have mentioned is that while our school is mostly very pro-queer, it is not the most accepting of male bisexuality, because apparently a bunch of the gay dudes here have read that idiotic NY Times article that men can’t be bi and take it to heart. So I’m not sure if just I, as a girl, specifically mentioning my biness to him will be enough to communicate to him that if he’s bi, it’s real and he can talk to me.
2. Buy her a lot of cool hats and try to convince her to grow it out.
3. Date her date her date her
4. Thrift stores! Sometimes you have to look in a few places to find anything that actually looks good, but usually it is totally worth it, and also thrift store vests are only like four bucks.
8. Go to college in Canada? That sucks really bad, I’m sorry.
9. Depends on your family; if you think you can swing that and not have them disown you or something, then that’s really cool and you shouldn’t “come out” officially unless you want to.
Okay, I really hate coconut water even though it’s probably good for the environment/my body/my chakras or whatever. But instead I am drinking whiskey. So that counts, right?
always
1) When you don’t have anything to talk about anymore and/or when you don’t want to just make out instead of talking anymore, it’s over.
2) Rub her head. Buzzcuts feel sooo awesome to touch and it might make it seem less threatening.
3) Does she play for the Yankees? If not, go for it! (YANKEES SUCK)
4) If you mean British lezzies, then Burton’s maybe. If you mean the American kind, either REI or Northface (for sporty/outdoorsy lezzies) or Urban Outfitters (for the hipster-homos).
5) See above re: “as an advisor”. also re: “usually not a good idea”.
6) Um, I don’t really know how to answer this because it sounds like a weird parallel to a former gf of mine?
7) a) Of course! and b) Before the third date, probably
8) “Absence is to love what wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.” Or, you know, there’s college.
9) It’s necessary if you’re a Southern debutante.
10) Talk about bi things and being bi and liking people of all kinds ALL THE TIME when you’re around him. Eventually he’ll get the picture. (This has worked for me with like three different friends who came out as gay/bi, because I’m a queer magnet.)
“queer magnet” can you teach me this, is this a thing you can teach
I mean I meet some queers but I could totally stand to meet more.
#9
So I’ve been thinking about this one a lot and I absolutely get where you’re coming from, but here’s the thing:
Even if you don’t keep this a secret and it is more just a passive omission, I feel like depending on your relationship with your parents, they might have a right to know. Parents get a bad rap. After all, at the end of the day, (in most circumstances) they raised us and any flaws along the way happened and c’est la vie but they may have a right to know and understand their child’s identity in so far as homosexuality and queeryness inexplicably becomes part of an individual’s identity in the same way, or to an even greater extent, as being heterosexual is.
Queers have to question the nature of our identity and we read studies about “where it came from” and we have people on the streets who give us funny looks if we are walking with our girlfriends or for gay men, boyfriends. At the point where it is illegal to be gay in 80 countries around the world, it intrinsically becomes more of a part of your identity because it is under constant attack. It is the way that being black means more to a black person than being white means to a white person.
The thing is, if you are black and part of your identity and cultural construction is such, the people that raised you can very obviously see. Your parents however, cannot.
It is completely a personal decision and I’m sure it will work out however you decide to do it.
I think you made a good point here. I’d add that even the most accepting parents might need a little help adjusting. I didn’t consider that because I knew my mom would be cool with it – she’d basically adopted a few other gays whose parents hadn’t taken it well.
But I realized after a while that she still needed to talk about it. She needed to know how out I wanted to be (if uncle Bob asks if I have a boyfriend yet, what do I want her to say or not etc) and hear about my life. Your parents have pictured a future for you that’s suddenly changed for them and even if they accept that, they need to talk to you about it so they can be a part of the future you’re really going to have.
It’s not fair, it can be uncomfortable, but for your parents it can mean a lot.
I agree with this 100%. My parents are about as accepting and pro-gay as parents come, but my coming out as bisexual was still a huge shock to them. I had been kind of boy-crazy in high school, so they had always assumed I was straight and that if I ended up with anybody it would be with a man. The fact that I might end up with a woman instead definitely changed the way they saw me and my future – not in a good or bad way, of course, it just changed it. I also think that even for people who are already very pro-gay rights, it becomes a lot more personal when it’s your flesh and blood who is being denied those rights. My mom never had a high tolerance for homophobia but it’s much lower than it used to be! :)
1. I used to think that it’d be hard for me to date anyone who didn’t share at least about 80% of my interests, and I think I’ve mellowed on that front in the past few years – the way two people get along and live their lives can override some pretty big differences in tastes, hobbies, etc. But. She doesn’t like to read or care about politics or try new things? These things, especially in combination, would make me too sad for the relationship to go on.
2. “Threatened”?? I don’t totally know what you mean by that — not sure I’ve ever felt threatened by hair — but the only thing I can hear in that that makes any kind of sense to me is: like, maybe, she looks “too gay” in a way that is really not very socially acceptable and that’s not comfortable for you? This may not be the case but if it is you probably have to toughen up a bit. But also, hair grows back, so maybe if your dislike outweighs her need for a buzz cut, she will be amenable to growing it back. Let her know. In a nice way, like “I miss your hair, it was great, will you ever grow it back?” But probably make sure it’s not just some internalized homophobia wackiness that’s making you feel that way in the first place.
3. DO IT. If she says no you can channel your feelings into softball.
6. This will not go away, I think, if my similar life experience is applicable. If I knew that you were in the same place I was, I would say this to you: you need to leave this nice guy because you care for him. He deserves to find a lady whose desire is not constantly focused toward other women. And you deserve to go have hot lesbian sex. Both of these things can truly happen. You can even probably still be friends with your nice guy in a while. You will be happier.
8. Could one of you go to college in the other’s country, maybe?
9. I didn’t “come out” to my family, per se; I just let them know when I finally had a girlfriend. You know best what feels honest to you.
1. It’s all about how much each thing means to you. If, for example, my girlfriend didn’t read (she’s an English Lit academic, so no risk of that occuring) – then it’d be pretty dreadful because I spend an inordinate amount of time reading, discussing what I’m reading, picking my girlfriends brain about what she’s reading, and generally geeking out over books.
But, as Dina said, you can have differences – and that allows you to learn from the other person too. If I was with *me* for the past 7 years, I’d be super bored by now.
I think it’s totally okay, to not find someone attractive on the basis of haircuts. Back when I was more into boys in high school, they would go from oh-you’re-cute to invisible when they got their shoulder length hair cut. Likewise if I cut my long hair it would make me look completely different, and I would completely understand if some people found me less attractive (I’d look horrid with short hair and my face).
wrt “threatened by buzzcuts” – they are a haircut associated with the military, soldiers, aggressive/yob type beefy men. Obv someone having a haircut like that doesn’t mean they will be like that (2’s girlfriend is unlikely to have gotten a personality change at the hairdressers’…), but it’s not that weird to see the connection. As for what to do, it probably depends on how into her you are/were and how long it would take / whether she wants to grow her hair.
Physical appearance can be really important in an attraction, I don’t see why you would be seen as a shallow monster for admitting that.
#6 = me. I feel ya, sister.
#9 – Honestly, the big motivation for me to come out to my friends was because I felt they deserved to know all facets of my life, and now I can gush about sexy ladies with them. I just came out casually to a friend last week over coffee (I texted it to her because I didn’t know how to say it lol), and it was really fun and uplifting being able to be open about it with her. I mean, yeah, it sucks that I had to correct her assumptions about me, but I’ve been very fortunate in only having positive responses to those whom I’ve told.
Funniest moment of the night: Friend “This is so much to take in! I mean, now when I look at you, I can’t think “straight-girl.” Me: “Hun, I was never straight.” F: “I know that now!!”