Welcome to another rousing jaunt through Formspring Friday — where you ask anonymous questions via our Formspring accounts and we then pawn those questions off onto the rest of the world. We’re tiptoeing dangerously close to the holidays, so you probably have a lot on your mind, like cranberry sauce and grandpa sweaters, and how you’re going to avoid talking to your republican relatives for several hours/days at a time, but today I’m inviting you to set all those worries aside and focus power on your adorable little queer internet family! There’s a good chance we’re more fun anyway.
love you
10 Formspring Questions for You to Answer
1. Shy babygay here needing help! I’m a freshman in college and have never hooked up with/dated a girl before, but I keep making eye contact with this girl in one of my classes and I want to TALK to her. how do i make this happen? she’s also pretty quiet.
2. How should a closeted lesbian teenager deal with her homophobic family who wishes all gays were dead?
3. Should you nip it in the bud if you think someone is more into you than you are into her? How much are you responsible for other peoples feelings? Can you EVER just sex someone because you want to here and now without considering their future feels?
4. What do I do when I find out that she’s been using me to rebound and I’ve been falling in love? It hurts.
5. Is it normal to feel like you don’t deserve sex because you aren’t a size 2? Like understanding why you might not be desirable because you don’t think you are desirable?
6. Advice for how to act/what to do on my first ever date with a girl? I’m used to not being attracted to my (male) date…I’m more awkward when I like people. Also, what should I wear??? What can I say to her other than YOU’RE PERFECT TELL ME EVERYTHING
7. I just recently came out, and two of my girl friends have been subtly trying to flirt with me. It’s really weird. I think they’re trying to make me hit on them or something. How do I tell them to stop and that I’m not interested without making it awkward?
8. Please tell me three books I need to buy — I got an Amazon gift card!
9. What are the tricks to succeeding at school? How do you make yourself care about it?
10. I’m dating someone who I love a lot but I still have residual feelings for an ex, too. I don’t want to be with the ex at all, I don’t wish my current gf was her, and I am good friends with this ex now. I just….still have feelings and I am scared I always will like her at least a little bit. Should I cut the ex out of the my life even though I treasure our platonic friendship? Am I am a bad person for hiding this from my current gf? Am I being selfish to my current gf?
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5. I dunno about normal but I feel like that a lot. I think people are crazy if they say theyre attracted to me because I dont find my body attractive. I don’t feel like I have a bad body image, I’m just honest with myself about the fact that I’m very overweight.
Yeah. I get this. Two things made a difference for me.
1. Having lots of great sex with someone who insisted I was “fucking lovely”. Her words/actions were so confusing because I couldn’t understand how she could see me like that. I actually cried in bed once. Our relationship was brief, but it was probably the best therapy I’ve ever had.
2. Having lots of great sex with someone who has a similar body type to mine. I now have an understanding as to why having an ample-bodied lover is so great, so erotic. I am more likely to see my body as sexy because I see hers as sexy.
Neither of these things have made my body issues go away and it is significantly difficult to think that I have anything resembling swagger. And trusting that someone is actually attracted to me is still a huge leap of faith. But the main point is, that if you are a consenting adult that wants to have sex, then you deserve it. And! there are plenty of people who want to get into your (my) size 20 jeans.
Nothing is sexier than self-confidence. Rock your body!
THIS, ALL DAY!! Even if you have to pretend like you are confident and you think you’re sexy, if you do it enough you’ll start to believe it! I know from personal experience. When you are confident and feel like you deserve it everyone has more fun. Fake it ’til you make it!
I decided just giving this a thumbs up was not enough. Do this for every kind of confidence.
WORD WORD WORD
also: self-confidence isn’t something you need to cultivate in order make your body desirable.
you inherently deserve sex; your feelings are a normal response to a deeply misogynistic culture; and I respectfully disagree with those who say “fake it till you make it.” The problem isn’t with you, it’s with the society that devalues bodies that don’t fit this warped ideal. Therefore, the responsibility isn’t yours to fake your way into self-confidence, it’s all of ours to change the fucked up way this world thinks about bodies.
You are desirable, person who asked question #5, and also it’s not your personal failing that you don’t feel that way.
I would also add to this, looking at body-positive blogs is great for my self esteem and has done a lot for my body image(granted, I am on the muscular side but still not size 2). Personal favourites are sexisliberation.tumblr.com and chubby-bunnies.tumblr.com
As someone who is usually considered “thin”, what I often want to explain to women who are ‘curvy’/’bigger’/ straight up over-weight is that the single most sexy thing in the world is being wanted by someone, and to have someone allow you to want them back, if the chemistry is there. I think that body issues often inhibit people from allowing other people to explore their body, to learn what they find sexy about what the person in front of them and just feel free to let go of pre-conceived notions of what sexiness/good sex is. I think that the most attractive thing is to be able to set body issues aside for a while (because we ALL have them), and just be wild. We can talk about bodies later, we can comfort each other, we can theorize and analyse why they are there, we can can work on them together even- but I always wish they can be let go of for the sake of pleasure sometimes. Maybe that’s easier said than done, but there is nothing I love more than getting to love another person’s body without their fear of themselves blocking their enjoyment, or mine. Everyone you sleep with is going to have their own issues about sex too, and maybe good sex is about bravery to let ourselves let go of what we think we know about sexiness? I don’t know what it’s like to be in another body, of course, but I know its wonderful to have the honour of exploring other bodies of different sizes and I know that everyone deserves to feel brave enough to let the right lover adore them.
I think I should clarify that by “explain to other women” I mean that with those who discuss their body issues with me in person, I usually explain that this is my perspective on being attracted to people. That phrase could have come across as a little insensitive- oops.
9. Do something you love. I was in college for four years and hated it, left and then a couple of years later went to a different college to become a primary school teacher and I loved it, even though it was longer hours and more assignments. My mum was just commenting the other day how she never has to coax my younger brother to get up for college because he enjoys what hes doing so much, too.
Unless you mean high school in which case you just have to suck it up and wait for it to end, unfortunately :/
4. Leave her and don’t look back. Then find your own rebound. : )
I second this advice (except maybe the rebound part). LEAVE HER. Let it hurt for awhile. Let it hurt for as long as takes (until you get to the self pity stage….then be done with that shit).
If you are the sort of person who, like *ahem* some of us, finds rebounds to be therapeutic, then go for it! As long as you’re not an asshole about it. If you aren’t into casual sex, though, DO NOT find a rebound. Just be emotionally aware of what will and won’t work for you.
10: I don’t claim to have real advice, except that I think you might always feel something for the ex, and I think that doesn’t need to be a destructive thing. I mean, it could be, but it also could be quite fine, normal, inevitable that you still love her a little bit.
It’s not like one person (new gf) becomes a replacement for another (the ex).
10-FIrst of all, it’s normal to have feelings for an ex.. the question is do you want to be with her.. I had feelings for an ex that I knew it would NEVER work out with…If I were you I would stop being friends with the ex.. that’s just me.. better than having it complicated..
2- While I can’t say I have the same experience I think from my years in the closet and the hostility I faced from pretty much everywhere, I can say you just have to make a plan to shift your focus away from the negativity. Anyone who can’t keep up with the change gets benched while you figure things out. This website is a good resource, depending where you are there might be other places for support and information in your community or in your school. When you are comfortable with yourself I would create a safety plan for if things go wrong. Do you have a place you could stay and a support system, don’t have “the conversation” until you do. Then I would pick the member of your family you feel closest to, who you know above your orientation would probably take a bullet for you and you talk to them about where the hatred of the gay comes from, there are stereotypes and fears and the often misquoted pages of the bible and fox news and NOM spreading lies about what it means to be a homosexual everyday. I found that having answers and resources made it a little easier for some of my family members.I would also suggest queering their regularly scheduled programming. Oddly enough I have family members that love Ellen, yet somehow they completely separated her homosexuality from how they view her. My own Mom used to watch Christopher Lowell on HGTV and we would mock the way he talked but then we’d go to home depot and buy all the crap he said we’d need to redecorate the bathroom. As an interior designer she respects him, it isn’t a stretch to tolerate his lifestyle. Also Anderson Cooper, nobody can resist a silver fox Vanderbilt. It is an old trick of major marketing to have spokespeople, adopt gay heroes/spokespeople and without knowing it by supporting your interests (or watching a Wanda Sykes stand up special) they are that much closer to opening their minds.
Above everything I think the divide and conquer approach worked best for me. Once I had at least two siblings on board, my battle was a little easier. Shine On You Crazy Diamond :) I believe in continuous evolution and that people can surprise you everyday. Your family is not above this, everyone is capable of change.
^ this is awesome advice.
Thanks!!
8 is the happiest of questions. Are we talking lesbianic books or just books in general? I’m just going to recommend stuff by Angela Carter, Neal Stephenson, and China Mieville at the moment.
I second Neal Stephenson. If you have the attention span for a long-ass book, Anathem is his greatest work to date in my opinion. Snowcrash is a classic though.
1. If she is in one of your classes ask to borrow her notes from one class. Then when you return them tell her you didn’t understand something and ask if you can discuss it over coffee. Maybe find a way to subtly bring up your interest in the ladies in normal conversation. Ex “Have you seen the movie (insert current movie here) I love (insert female actress here) in that movie… I just want to rip her clothes off, or more subtly, I have the biggest crush on her.
7. This exact thing happened to me so I can tell you what you shouldn’t do. You SHOULDN’T take naps and snuggle with them because “it’s really cold in their room”. You also SHOULDN’T get REALLY DRUNK with them and have awkward sex that they will inevitable regret the next day. Maybe casually mention something along the lines of I hate it when straight girls try to make me their lesbian experiment?
This is totally missing the point, but “it’s really cold in your room” is now forever going to be synonymous with “i want sexytimes” to me. In use and in assumptions.
It’s 30 degrees. I’m opening my bedroom window right away.
5. I have that exact same issue, and even though my girlfriend is super vocal about her appreciation of me (and is herself smokin’ hot despite not exactly being a waif) I still struggle to deal with the idea that someone legitimately finds me attractive. So yes, it’s definitely normal. But at the same time, nobody is “unworthy” of sex because of what they look like- everyone’s body is capable of giving and receiving and sharing pleasure, of enjoying intimacy, and there are people out there who will be totally up for doing that with you!
8. I second the Mieville recommendation, plus “Adaptation” by Malinda Lo, because who doesn’t want to read a novel about Area 51 and also ladies making out?
8. Ash by Malinda Lo! It’s tender, sweet and a very quick read.
Mariko Tamaki’s new book “You Set Me On Fire” is awesome. Lesbian love story of sorts involving a crazy chick – hilarious.
Divergent – Veronica Roth – dystopian fiction/strong female character
The Fault in our Stars – by John Greene (or anything else by him) – also Hilarious – you will laugh, cry and not be able to put it down.
The Night Circus (most visually beautiful book I’ve ever read). Erin Morgenstern is an utterly delightful person.
3. Don’t be a jerk. You can “just sex” someone but make that clear, preferably before the sexing.
I’ve had to run interference too many times between “WHAT HAS SHE SAID ABOUT ME” and “yeah I’m really not interesting in anything.” Sometimes there was crying involved. It’s not pretty.
1. Shy babygay here needing help! I’m a freshman in college and have never hooked up with/dated a girl before, but I keep making eye contact with this girl in one of my classes and I want to TALK to her. how do i make this happen? she’s also pretty quiet.
Haha, I think the first thing you need to do is stop thinking about hooking up/dating. I know, I know, it’s basically IMPOSSIBLE, but it will help you be yourself if you just look at this like an opportunity to make a new friend. Also, it should make you seem less desperate. I don’t know how you make friends/what your jam is, but I’d just 1. sit next to her 2. ask her what she thought about X test or X homework assignment or X book or X news story you read that morning in the paper 3. say she has nice shoes 4. Try…oh, whatever. Yeah, I don’t even know; who am I kidding? I’m really awkward, too. The thing is you have to say something, and whatever you’re able to say is who you are at the moment, and you can’t keep holding yourself back until you know the PERFECT thing to say, because then you’ll never say anything or get better at saying things. So, I guess my advice is to accept who you are at the moment and say what you can say. Even if it’s not the best thing, and even if one day you look back on yourself and think, ‘Wow, I would never say something that lame today…’, you only get to that Future You place by being Present You and making mistakes. You can’t consult an entire internet website for every on the spot interaction, so start practicing relying on yourself.
2. How should a closeted lesbian teenager deal with her homophobic family who wishes all gays were dead?
Well, I’m probably not the best at advice for this because my family isn’t terribly homophobic, just the sort of silently-disapprovingly-kind. I would say if they wish the gays were dead, you probably shouldn’t say a word about your sexuality until you graduate college and/or are financially on your own. Find a school that you love – maybe it’s a small women’s college in the Northeast, maybe it’s a big school in a big city – and use that as a launching pad to meet people who will support you in feeling good about yourself and who you are. Get good grades and get a good job and live in a row-house in some quaint town or city and have a great job and great friends. Keep in touch with your extended family – if your parents never come through, it doesn’t mean the rest of your family won’t. Come out to them when you feel stable enough to do so. And in so doing, be compassionate. An initial bad reaction doesn’t mean that they won’t come around eventually, even if that “coming around” takes months or even years or even decades. In my opinion, though, it’s important to come out once it is safe enough for you to do so, because most parents love their kids no matter what. You have a chance to have a fully honest relationship with them, and I think you should take it.
3. Should you nip it in the bud if you think someone is more into you than you are into her? How much are you responsible for other peoples feelings? Can you EVER just sex someone because you want to here and now without considering their future feels?
No, you shouldn’t nip it in the bud, and yes, I think you should sex someone without considering their future feels, depending on the person you’re sexing and providing you’re honest. First of all, it’s hard to know when someone is “more into you” than you are into them. Calling you more or saying nicer things about you or wanting to hang out more could just be their way of communicating/hitting on you/getting what they want/etc. It doesn’t necessarily mean they’re emotionally invested in you. BUT I think you should always be honest and forthcoming about where YOU are. If you feel like they’re getting the wrong idea, don’t cut off whatever relationship you have – clarify it. Clarify it until you’re blue in the face if you feel like you have to. But I don’t think you’re ever responsible for someone else’s feelings so long as you are honest about yours. And chances are they want the sex (or whatever) more than they want to avoid potential heartbreak, because we all take that chance when we open up to people, even in the smallest of ways. But, sometimes it’s best to nip it in the bud if it protects YOU – not from small things that are hard (i.e. telling a girl you don’t want a relationship, if she asks, or telling her you don’t want to hang out tonight, if you don’t), but from big things. Like, if this person you’re about to sex is your best friend forever or something, and you know you’re not willing to take a step back/remove yourself from their life if it eventually becomes necessary for their well-being (i.e. if they ask for it or are making you uncomfortable)…? Then maybe don’t sex her.
4. What do I do when I find out that she’s been using me to rebound and I’ve been falling in love? It hurts.
There’s nothing you can do. Know that you’re worth it by reminding yourself (and throwing yourself back into) what is important to you. Then one day it won’t hurt so much anymore, and maybe sometime before or after that you’ll meet another girl who loves you back. But being hurt is no reason to stop living.
5. Is it normal to feel like you don’t deserve sex because you aren’t a size 2? Like understanding why you might not be desirable because you don’t think you are desirable?
I think some other girl gave good advice for this. And I would just say something similar to my answer for the first question: be who you are and embrace it because you can’t be anything else in that moment. And it’s important to keep going and believing you’re worth it and doing things and accepting things even if you don’t believe you’re worth it. Because this doesn’t preclude improving yourself, it just lays the foundation for that.
6. Advice for how to act/what to do on my first ever date with a girl? I’m used to not being attracted to my (male) date…I’m more awkward when I like people. Also, what should I wear??? What can I say to her other than YOU’RE PERFECT TELL ME EVERYTHING
Hahahah. Ah, if only I knew. Do things. Experiment. Take notes afterward. Do better next time, or repeat if it worked!
7. I just recently came out, and two of my girl friends have been subtly trying to flirt with me. It’s really weird. I think they’re trying to make me hit on them or something. How do I tell them to stop and that I’m not interested without making it awkward?
Ok, so, there’s the typical answer for this, which is give subtle hints yourself, i.e., don’t respond to their flirting/take a conscious step back. Be off-putting. And if they keep doing it, say something. “Hey, I feel some subtle flirtation from you. You may be doing it unconsciously but maybe you’re not, but I just wanted to say just because I came out doesn’t change anything between us/I don’t want anything to change.” But that’s not what I do. When straight girls flirt with me I revel in it. It’s a special kind of no pressure flirting because both of you know it’s not going anywhere. You can feel free to be yourself without being nervous and without feeling like you’re leading them on – because, hey, they said they were straight! If anything does become more explicit, then it becomes easier to say no, too. Maybe just relax and have fun until you’re actually put in a position where it’s not awkward to say “no”. Don’t worry about it!
8. Please tell me three books I need to buy — I got an Amazon gift card!
Yeah you can figure this one out on your own I think.
9. What are the tricks to succeeding at school? How do you make yourself care about it?
Have a goal. Believe in yourself and that goal. Have the patience to do the things that you know will help you achieve that goal, even if it’s boring or not directly relevant. Generally school helps with everything. One day you’ll need a B.A. to be a waitress. All easier said than done.
10. I’m dating someone who I love a lot but I still have residual feelings for an ex, too. I don’t want to be with the ex at all, I don’t wish my current gf was her, and I am good friends with this ex now. I just….still have feelings and I am scared I always will like her at least a little bit. Should I cut the ex out of the my life even though I treasure our platonic friendship? Am I am a bad person for hiding this from my current gf? Am I being selfish to my current gf?
I don’t think so. If you love your gf you love your gf. If it’s working with your gf it’s working with her. As long as you love her and it works with her, stay with her. As for your ex, I think it’s ok to feel things if you don’t overstep any boundaries. That probably means no cuddling or drunkenly making out and all that. Do what you have to do to keep it strictly platonic, is what I’m saying, and don’t overthink it. Maybe overthinking it is actually making you like your ex /more/. The whole want what you can’t have thing. You know. Stop beating yourself up over it and maybe you’ll find the feelings go away on their own.
9. A trick to succeeding at school is to follow directions. If the teacher asks you to write an essay following a certain format, write it in that format. It doesn’t matter if you think the end product may be better if you do it your own way, you will get a better grade if you follow instructions closely.
Also, do all assigned work and extra credit assignments. Even if you don’t do great on the assignments, zeros hurt your grade a lot and teachers often take the amount of effort that they have seen you put into something into account when they decide things like whether to give you an extension on an assignment or if they are going to round a grade up a little more than they normally would.
For motivation focus on the fact that getting an education gives you options. There aren’t a lot of jobs that won’t hire someone because they have too much education, but there are a lot of jobs that won’t hire someone because they don’t have the necessary education. If you don’t know what you want to do it is more important to do well in school, even though motivation is harder to come by, because you don’t know what doors you are closing by not trying.
1. Yous are in the same class, talk about that. Or tell her she has a cute jacket (everyone loves a compliment!). As a shy person, I can honestly say that just going for it is your best bet, it’s not like you’re trying to ask her out or anything the first time you talk to her.
9. Anna gave super advice! One other thing that helps me is studying in a group. I need the motivation of other people to drive me to succeed. I meet with some classmates, and we quiz each other and do lab reports together. We bring food to our study sessions and go out for coffee sometimes. It’s not as fun as the “Community” study group, but it works for me. I am much more likely to prepare for a test if i know that 3 other people are counting on me to show up to study group with notes.
5. I think it is very, very easy to feel that way. You didn’t ask, but there are some things that might help this feeling fade. One is considering who you’re attracted to: maybe it’s only skinny girls, but maybe not (it sure isn’t for me), and if not, meditating on that fact ought to help a little. And also: maybe be on the lookout for fat women (I hardly need say that I do not use the term pejoratively) in good relationships, or who are widely desired, or who seem to be having tons of sex. They are certainly out there. There are plenty of them. Confront that miserable little itch in your brain that says “not worthy of being desired” with these facts again and again.
In the longer term, perhaps consider changing the way you relate to your body. If there is a physical practice—yoga, biking, just walking for a few miles at a time, climbing trees or rocks, acrobatics, swimming—that you think you can do without turning it into a venue for body obsession, do that. The point of your body will, perhaps, stop being To Be Looked At and start being To Do Awesome Stuff. It will become less of an object for you to set apart and judge. It will be more like air, or earth—just the substance that supports your being in the world.
9. I wonder what kind of school you are in, and why you are there. If it is high school, you’re probably stuck, but consider what comes next. Is college something you feel excited about? Then you will want to play the game long enough to get there.
But there’s also something to be said for focusing your energies elsewhere. If your outside interests are strong enough and your hatred of school intense enough, you may be able to form a different but also valuable education for yourself. Try to find informal mentors. Go to the places where people are doing the things you want to do and find ways to join in. I procrastinated and daydreamed and talked back and refused to work to various degrees throughout high school and middle school, but I also read like crazy and wrote like crazy and started a band and accumulated enough experience in the things I am built to do to forge a life out of the whole mess anyhow. (I even went to college; it helps to pick a weird little school where they care more about your 20-page application essay than anything else, and besides that to be poor enough that the government and the college will subsidize most of your education, and besides that to be utterly unafraid of taking on debt: you may not be so lucky.)
If you are in college, the fact that you don’t care about it seems a warning sign. The work of college is generally similar to the work of the field you are preparing to enter, and if you cannot find the things you love buried within the bureaucracy of the assignments, the path you’re on might not be the right one. If you can step off it for a moment, a semester, a year, to assess, that’d probably be good. Consider the actual, day-to-day tasks that give you pleasure and make you feel fulfilled, rather than the outlines of some role you’d like to inhabit. Try to build your plans and your competency around those satisfying actions; depending on what they are, they may require a fair amount of formal education or none at all.
10. It is interesting that you are “scared” you will never entirely stop liking your ex. What is the worst-case scenario, here? You simply . . . continue to like her, a little, for the rest of your days. There are people I’ve desired intensely but then, eventually, almost chastely (because hopelessly) for years on end. And this seems okay. (I’d like a million dollars, too, but not enough to do the things that I would need to do to get it.) Getting used to the presence of that small desire and simply acknowledging it as a feature of your current internal landscape will be helpful, because you’ll be less likely to try to get rid of it by, say, sleeping with her. I do not think we need to confess every stray desire to our partners; I do not think that a small flicker of desire is necessarily dangerous to a friendship, either. Just be vigilant in self-knowledge.
10. I still have some residual feelings for an ex, despite the fact that he’s gay (I’m bi, so I date dudes sometimes) and so there is absolutely zero chance of us getting together ever again. I’m single, but I don’t really feel like this is a problem if you know you never want to act on it. So I don’t see the reason to cut her out of your life? Granted, my ex is one of my best friends so there’s no way I could cut him out of my life, but it feels a bit like punishing the ex for something that isn’t her fault. Feelings you don’t want can suck sometimes but if you’re not going to act on them, and you still love your current gf, it shouldn’t be a problem. Try to remind yourself of all the things that sucked about your ex or about your relationship with her, that helps when you’re trying to get over someone. Think about the reasons that you broke up (or, if she did the breaking up, how mad you felt after that).
God, so many of these questions are things I also struggle with, though, so I don’t have much advice to give! But 10 resonated with me because I remember worrying I couldn’t date anyone else because I still had feels for my ex.
6. First off – wear whatever outfit you have that makes you feel confident and great and sexy. And if you don’t have an outfit like that get one! Borrow/buy/thrift away until you have at least one outfit that you know you look damn good in. As for what to do – why did you want to go on a date with this girl in the first place? If you know you have common interests, talk about those. If you don’t know if you do, ask about them! Are you doing an activity you can talk about (movie? concert? riding bikes?)? On my first date with my gf, we had drinks first and then went to a movie and random chatting about the movie (which was in Spanish) led to talking about languages and travel, etc. Oh, and if you are going to drinks, definitely do not drink too much. :) And try not to stress – there’s no right way to go on a date, and it should be fun! Enjoy!
1. Just go for it! You don’t have to go up to her and use the cheesiest pick-up line you know. If you ever see her waiting outside the classroom just say hi and start a conversation, ask her how she’s doing with the upcoming paper or something. If you can, sit next to her in class sometime soon and hopefully a conversation will start. I’m not sure if you’re any good at making new friends, but it’s basically just like that! If she’s new to university she’s probably as interested in starting a conversation as you are. If she doesn’t want to talk to you it’s no big deal, just carry on! You wouldn’t want to date someone who is unfriendly anyway.
2. That’s a tough one! You don’t have to come out or give yourself away if you’re not comfortable with it, or if that’s a threat to your safety. You can try to subtly change their minds, but if they’re very set on their beliefs, debating will only be more stressful than it’s worth. And if you ever want to come out to them, just remember that sometimes people can (and do) surprise you (but I wouldn’t do it until you’re living on your own and they won’t kick you out).
3. Don’t sex them! Seriously. I don’t think it’s your responsibility if someone develops feelings for you, but if they get their hopes up (and they probably will no matter how much you tell them that it’s just sex) there’s only going to be drama. Of the kind that you’d rather avoid.
4. Get away from her and try your best to move on. I don’t think there’s much of an alternative, unless she’s also falling in love with you.
5. I don’t think you’re undesirable. Some of my best friends who have the best love/sex lives aren’t sizes 2 either! Confidence and style are far more important than your size. Chin up and be your awesome self and I’m sure you’ll find someone eventually.
6. ACT NATURAL. I know you’re going to be nervous (and she’s probably as nervous as you are) so just relax and be yourself. There’s two people, not just you, so hopefully conversation will flow naturally. Listen to what she says and ask her questions. Don’t panic! Practice makes perfect.
7. Ignore it and drop hints that you wouldn’t date friends because they’re like siblings to you/that you’re not looking for anything right now.
9. The soonest you pass your classes, the sooner you’ll be free to spend your days reading Autostraddle and eyesexing cute girls. If you have trouble making yourself sit down to study, try doing it in blocks of 15 minutes and taking 5 minute breaks in-between to reward yourself. Positive reinforcement is awesome! You’ll be able to extend the time of your study blocks with time.
10. Having residual feelings for someone who was once a big part of your life is normal, and as you say, it doesn’t mean that you want to be with your ex or that you want to change your relationship with your girlfriend. You’re not being selfish. You can tell your girlfriend if you feel comfortable about it and if you think she would understand what you just told us. I’d cut off communication with the ex for a while if I were you. Don’t be too harsh on yourself! One of my friends has a theory that we never really stop caring about someone we once loved (unless they were epic assholes to us), it’s just that the way we care can change into platonic friendship or residual feelings. I’m not sure if I agree with her, but I do think it’s normal and that this will change soon. Just don’t be a dick to your girlfriend.
Oops I wanted to add that on #10, if you cut off your ex for a while it doesn’t have to permanent. You just might benefit from some distance for the time being.
8. The Shadow of the Wind by Carlos Ruiz Zafon. Best book EVER. Besides Harry Potter, duh.
Yes! This is so good! Long, but so good!
9. What are the tricks to succeeding at school? How do you make yourself care about it?
assuming you’re talking about high school, you’ve already taken the first big step to success: knowing you have a problem.
not everybody loves high school or cares about it. that’s fine, even normal. but there is a lot you can do about it, and the good news is that it gets easier to care once you start putting in the effort.
Identify the classes that you really dislike, and make special efforts there. start by sitting right in front. maybe it’s just psychological but it definitely helps you concentrate! and i know it sucks to even think about sitting in front, but it helps a lot.
as somebody has already said, education doesn’t really hurt you. i’ll say that good grades don’t hurt you, either, in the long run.
clear up your backlog. if you’ve some concepts from previous classes that are not totally clear, or you have assignments pending, get all of that done. otherwise you’re going to be playing catch-up throughout the term, and while you can get through school that way it’s a lot of unnecessary stress and self-inflicted pain.
in my experience i’ve found that even 5% extra effort pays out well over the next few MONTHS.
ask your teachers how you can get extra credit. when you get tests back ask them how you can improve your grade. most teachers are really happy when they see somebody taking interest! they will help you out.
as for how you can get yourself to care about it: that’s up to you, really. try to understand the material as well as possible. sometimes it’s the boring, obscure stuff you can’t bring yourself to care about, but when you understand it it’s okay. another thing that helped me (with math) was to look up how what i was learning would be applied in the “real world”. if you start relating things you’re learning to the career you want to pursue, maybe you’ll start to care.
good luck! it may seem hard to succeed sometimes, or to get yourself to care, but it can be pretty easy once you start. even the amount of time you need to put into it starts to fall as you continue doing it.
one last major piece of advice i’m going to give you is to focus when studying. this focus can be the difference between an A after a two-hour study session and one after an eight-hour study session. if you focus totally when studying, and if you understand the material, you will do well, and you will save yourself time.
6. Omg, this is my life. It’s haaard, because if you’re in the habit of not feeling attracted to your dates, then you’re probably not in the habit of flirting with your dates. (I just remember being terrified of “flirting” on dates with guys, because, omg, what if they ended up thinking I liked them, and then all of a sudden I’d be in a situation that I didn’t want to be in. Why, after about too many years of having this weird thought pattern, did it not occur to me that maybe I didn’t like boys all that much is a MYSTERY to me, but anyway!) But: flirting. Smile a lot. Lean in! If it’s a safe place to do this, you can even touch her arm briefly and see if she responds in a happy way. (I mean, be mindful of people’s boundaries and all.) Part of flirting is, I think, being a little awkward when you realize that you really, really like this person, and it’s okay to let that come through a bit. (It can be endearing!)
Go forth and prosper! :D
8. Holding Still for as Long as Possible, by Zoe Whittall. This is an amazing novel set in queer Toronto. It is incredible. Her first novel, Bottle Rocket Hearts, is really good too- a queer love story in Montreal set around the 1995 referendum. BRILLIANT canadian queer literature.
5.-Masturbate. Start thinking about how much you desire yourself, how good you can make yourself feel physically. Then, hopefully, you can start thinking about how wonderful your body feels and how great you are a bringing yourself pleasure. And why shouldn’t someone else desire you when you know what you want and how to make it happen?
To the person who asked number 5: I love you. I love you for a million reasons I can’t articulate, but I relate to what you’re asking. There are so many things I don’t feel like I deserve because of the way I look. Friends, the opportunity to succeed and be successful, love, happiness.
I’m trying to heal, but it’s a long and slow process. On the plus side, I am at the point where I really needed to hear everyones answers to your question, I just didn’t realise it till I read them.