They flash forward in time because that haircut is ridiculous, and Cathy’s hair is now grown out into an adorable bob. She practices ballet in the attic while Chris paints something that is definitely not his sister’s boobs. They start wrestling and start horning up because they’re teens with no one else to rub against.
Is that a paper flower in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Cathy and Chris decide to repel down the side of the house because this just occurred to them. Why didn’t you do this last year? How long have you been in the attic? I could really use some time markers for this movie. They climb to the ground like they’re fucking Batman and Robin and go swimming in the lake in their underwear.
It’s okay, they do this all time on GUTS!
After they swim, a fawn approaches them and eats out of their hand. It is sweet, innocent and natural because METAPHOR.
Wild deer can sense menses
Nature! Goulet.
Also, Cory find a mouse in a trap and they keep it as a pet. From Flowers in the Attic to Flowers for Algernon.
Corrine shows up weeks and weeks later and tells the kids she married Bart Winslow and was on a honeymoon in Europe. Also, he doesn’t know you exist, so don’t be too noisy, mmkay? Chris finally turns on his mother and breaks the magnifying glass she got him. Corrine doesn’t understand what the big deal is; they have a room, a picnic basket, and an attic. They’re practically spoiled!
How am I supposed to fuck this magnifying glass?!
Cathy is like, we are practically grown, we need to get the fuck out of here. Grandma brings them powdered donuts and tells them it’s from Corrine, but warns them not to eat them.
Thanks Nana, but I’m Paleo now so these are useless to me
I put cocaine on the donuts instead of powdered sugar because fuck it
Cathy and Chris watch the sweet little deer from the window and talk about what to do. Just then, someone shoots the deer with a fucking rifle. It might be time to get the fuck of there.
THE CHILDREN ARE THE DEER, GET IT?!?
Ugh, this movie feels like it’s a million hours long. Maybe it’s because the entire thing takes place in an attic? Yeah, that’s probably it. Also, it’s fucking terrible. What else happens?
Grandma whips Christopher for just existing. Cathy cleans his wounds and they kiss. Well, I’m surprised it took this long. This is the most incest-favoring situation since The Blue Lagoon. Go for it kids, nothing matters and life is meaningless.
Keeping it in the family
You kiss way better than that dress form!
The next time Grandma visits, Chris begs for forgiveness/makes a soap mold of the attic key. He then carves the key out of wood and they make a plan: before they escape they need money, so they’ll spend the next several weeks sneaking down to Corrine’s room and stealing her spare change.
While we’re down there I’m stealing ALL the maxi-pads
They sneak into Corrine’s room and Cathy puts on her mom’s lingerie and make-up, because why not? Nothing is sexier than dressing up as the mom you both came from! They also find an old timey Kama Sutra book…yay, more porn!
Who’s your mommy?
Boner kill
Those engravings are so fucking hot!
Meanwhile, a fence is being put up around the property. An electric fence. Not nearly as fun as an electric slide. Chris and Cathy decide to amp up their creepy relationship by calling each other “doll.” Cathy sneaks into Corrine’s room and sees Bart asleep. She decides to kiss him so she can pick up some hot tips to bring back to Chris.
Gross
Chris overhears Bart telling Corrine that A) someone’s stealing money and B) he had a wet dream about a little girl kissing him. Both Corrine and Chris know who that girl is. Chris runs upstairs and yells at Cathy for kissing an old man/cheating on him/giving them up.
I can’t believe you kissed your stepdad! We agreed to kiss blood relatives only!
You won’t be so mad when I show you this new thing I can do with my tongue!
At this point in the book, Chris rapes Cathy. Lifetime decides to make it a consensual sex scene. I mean, I’m fine with this, I don’t want to see kids raping kids or anybody raping anybody else for that matter. It’s bad enough that this horrible movie is assaulting my eyeballs.
Well, we’re definitely going to Hell now!
You were so much better than the dress form
You weren’t.
Meanwhile, Cory is sick. Because there is poison in the donuts. I mean, living in an attic can’t be good for you, but those donuts are obviously poisoned. Chris and Cathy demand that Corrine take him to the hospital, and stop being such a monster. Corrine slaps Cathy and Cathy slaps her right back.
I can’t take your brother to the hospital Cathy, I’ve barely met my deductible yet!
Look at Grandma’s face in this photo
Grandma agrees they should take him to the hospital, and Corrine scoops up Cory and leaves. She comes back later to tell them that he had pneumonia and died, whomp whomp. And he’s been buried, so it’s all taken care off. Carrie starts crying and everyone is like, it’s time to go now.
I’ve got some bad news, children, which is why I’m wearing my beige suit of mourning
Don’t you feel sorry for any of this?
Poop face of regret and remorse
The kids decide to leave that night. They go down to rob mom one last time, but all her shit is cleared out. The only things left behind are a picture of daddy uncle, a necklace, and Cathy’s poop diamond ring. Chris starts coughing and looks sick. He sneaks into the study to steal some more stuff, but hides when a butler and a maid come in.
Every incest kiss begins with Kay!
The servants deliver some solid exposition, including the fact that Grandpa died seven months ago! Oh shit, these kids are never leaving this fucking attic!
And that’s everything that’s happened in the last six months
Is that a furry chair?
Meanwhile, Carrie aka the fucking five year old, figured out that the donuts are poison after she feeds the mouse and it dies. Carrie is the only person in this movie who A) knows how fucked up the situation is and B) has wanted out since day one. Also, she is five.
Someone had to find some answers while you two were playing grabass!
Chris sneaks by Grandma’s room to see her brushing out a wig. Turns out Grandma is bald and creepy, but if the Foxworths are really richer than God, then why is her wig so shitty?
Starting to seriously doubt Tyra’s choice for her model makeover
Grandma shows up just as the kids are planning to make their escape, and calls them abominations/stains on the Lord/devil spawn yadayada. Chris has had enough and pushes Grandma into the stairs by the attic, where Grandma starts to have a claustrophobia attack.
Come at me, bro!
Just playin’!
Claustrophobia attack. On the stairs. With the door open. With the other door in plain sight. Really? It was that easy? All this time they just had to get granny near some stairs? Is she afraid of the dark?
I’m melting!
God sees everything you do AND your cheap wig!
Grandma tells them that it was Corrine who poisoned the donuts, not her. Sure, she’ll imprison you, beat you and starve you, but she’s not a murderer. It’s good to have boundaries.
Cathy tags the bricks and she, Chris, and Carrie climb down the window and into the yard.
And that’s how Cathy met Andy Dufresne
The kids make their escape out the window and are stopped by the groundskeeper with the rifle. Uh oh, will this be an actual obstacle in their escape? Noppity nope nope. They tell him they are Corrine’s children and he’s like, um ok, see ya later incest gators!
Don’t whiz on the electric fence!
I like that instead of helping these obviously sick and tortured children, he’s like, get out of here. What about child services? What about suing for legal emancipation? What about making noise in that fucking attic so the servants could hear you and call a responsible adult?
We know you must have a million questions for us…
Nope
The kids jump on a train and head off into the sunset. But Cathy’s voiceover tells us one day they’ll run into their mother again. REVENGE! Meanwhile, Grandma is still stuck in the attic.
Wanna join the Mile Low club?
Well, that was awful. Join me next week, for LIZZIE BORDEN TOOK AN AXE! It’s got Christina Ricci AND Clea Duvall. Maybe they’ll make out. Just kidding they play sisters. ALTHOUGH WHY NOT KEEP THE INCEST TRAIN CHUGGING ALONG. Lizzie Borden Took An Axe airs on Lifetime Movie Saturday at 8/7c!
I need a sanitizing hand wipe for my soul, you guys.
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i think “I put cocaine on the donuts instead of powdered sugar because fuck it” was when i lol’d the loudest.
I am so late to the FITA trainwreck! This article was hilarious. Thank you, Chelsea
You described the story from your POV, you may think it’s bs, but literature can be abstract. And this is not a simple b&w story but it’s simple to understand.
Idk why you’re making a fuss about everything that’s happening? It’s just cinematic representation of the book, it doesn’t respect your opinion.
So just tell the story instead of describing what you feel about the situation every third line.
It’s like you’re imposing your thoughts and distracting the reader instead of letting us decide what to feel.
You wrote Ellen Burstyn, I read Ellen Barkin and thought that this was going in a beer can/hook-hand kind of way. Delighted to be spared ever reading or watching this, many thanks!
Holy shit, I pictured the same thing.
I feel every movie could be made far superior by having Ellen Barkin just constantly reliving her Drop Dead Gorgeous role. Delighted that I wasn’t the only one with the Ellen vs Ellen mistake.
Perfect recap is perfect.
I just realized blue lagoon was incest. Mama told me it was just the story of adam and eve huuuuuul
Yeah, I had no idea either. Brooke Shields’ mother gave her the okay to do some fucked up movies back in the day.
I think Satan forced me to watch this movie so that I could have the pleasure of reading this recap
I didn’t see the movie, but just reading the recaps made me feel like I had some bad donuts. Wow, excellent write up though.
oh god let me hand you all the sanitizing wipes in the WORLD. i didn’t watch this or read the book, & i feel like i need to take a scalding hot brain bleach shower.
I used to always watch an older (I can tell, definitely better) version of this movie when I was younger because apparently I’m a creep. You know how it goes. Anyway, in that version they sneak downstairs while their mom’s wedding is happening in the house and call her out in front of everyone. Their Ma is like, “whoooo are you guys?” and then somehow she ends up dangling from a rafter all dead in her wedding dress. I also don’t think there is incest, just subtle hints. Lifetime really spices it up. I have secretly always wanted to read the book but now that I admitted it in a public forum, I should just go ahead and do it.
Oh, Flower’s in the Attic. You were no Liz and Dick!
Thank you for suffering through this and giving us this hilarious recap.
This recap was waaaaay better than a terribly acted movie. Hilarious!!! Thankyou.
So, um. I never read Flowers in the Attic, but I did read Flower in the Attic fanfiction when I was about 13? It was pretty fucked up. But I guess not as much as the original.
Oh man! This was the best review of the hot mess FITA I’ve read! I seriously live for your reviews.
The “what the fuck tho” tag is gold.
When I was in high school there was a moment when all my friends were reading this shit. So I read this shit. WHAT THE FUCK these are like the Lannisters of the 1960s I swear.
My review of FITA is, “Ewwww!!”
I always knew that FITA was a ridiculous (both the book(s) and the original movie) but seeing this recap made me wonder why I actually finished the first book and then went on to read the other four…Louise Fletcher was seriously scary in the first movie though
There are 4 more of this damn story? What happens in those? More incest?
yes, its pretty much more incest. chris and cathy end up living together as a married couple and that goes on for the next three books. the last book is actually a prequel to the whole story and its the mother’s story. there’s incest in that one as well.
I just went and read all about each book’s plot on Wikipedia. What. The. Fuck. Those sequels are even more fucked up than the first book.
Somehow I was completely unaware of Flowers in the Attic in middle and high school, which is probably for the best cause there’s not enough bleach in the world to clean my mind after reading that book.
I didn’t know Flowers In The Attic was a thing and I’m really happy that no one forced me to read it when I was a kid. I don’t have cable so I didn’t accidentally stumble upon it. But I still want to throw my TV out the window for having the possibility of feeding this to my eyeballs.
Leaves me speechless in a good way ;). I remember the older version of this movie when i was little kid. My sister use to tell me that if i was bad she would throw me in the attic too.
Fuuuuuuck. I’ve been hearing so much about FITA this week, never bothered to figure out what it was about, just assumed I’d watch it at some point. Hell no. Glad I had no clue it was a book and I’m glad I didn’t actually watch it.
This recap was the perfect mix of horrifying and hilarious…and I do have to commend you for that because with a story this fucking terrible that seems like it would have been a difficult feat!
And the makeovers were my favorite part of ANTM. I learned that you always trust Tyra. Always.
My mom tried to get me to read Flowers in the Attic when I was in middle school and now I suspect she was just trying to traumatize me as much as it traumatized her when she was the same age.
I am terrified that my Grandmother had the video tape of this and liked it…
The best parts of the damn thing were previews of Lizzie Borden Took An Ax. I don’t know why I watched this movie, because I hated the novel with a fiery passion. It was a MUCH CLOSER ADAPTATION of the novel than the 1987 film, for sure. Maybe not as explicit as the novel? One of my aunts gave it to me for Christmas when I was 11 or 12???? She said it was her favorite book???? Read it once and never touched it again. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
My grandma told me one time that FITA was the worst book she had ever read.
The most horrible, the most traumatic and the most disgusting.
Of course, I decided to read it to see what she was on about. I was equally horrified and captivated that someone could write something… with so so so many sequels (some ghost written). I read the next one as well but simply couldn’t handle my mind being twisted anymore. I can’t believe there was a first movie, let alone a second.
Wow. I feel like reading this recap was my equal to seeing the movie. Thank goodness.
I wish this review had been around when I first read the book and then saw the original FITA film. It would have made the entire experience much less traumatizing. :|
Win. Massive troll win. Only for full perfection it should have had equal opps gay stuff.
There is now a “V.C. Andrews” series with canon gay: http://www.completevca.com/lib_shadows_girl.shtml
(I mean, it’s Andrew Neiderman/VC Andrews, it’s bound to be awful, but.)
I have (thankfully?) never heard of this book/movie but I just laughed my way through my entire lunch break reading this recap.
This was amazing. I hope it’s going to be a regular feature!
I’ve never read the book, but I’ve definitely seen it and the sequels in the house of one of my relatives, but I can’t remember which, and am now feeling very suspicious of the literary taste of everyone I am related to.
All of us ha ha ha the books were good – honest :) :). .. The movie, well not so much – honest.
I’m so glad you suffered through this so that you could create this masterful recap. I can’t tell you how many times I laughed out loud.
Ah childhood! My mom bought me this book and a handful of the sequels when I was in 5th grade.. said it was a great series, and she loves vc Andrews. I never looked at her the same again!
I cannot believe that I watched the entire movie, someone should shoot me, your comments were hilarious, could not stop laughing, as I was thinking all the same things, but I did watch the entire movie, so something must be wrong with me.
All of us ha ha ha
So I read these books a few times, yup all 5 of them and I loved them !!! So when my 45 year old eyes saw this movie on ShoMi I was like Wait What what what !!!!!!?????? Big smiles all around .
Then I watched it and though WTF is going on here now.
The worst acting I have ever seen in my life, no chemistry, no realism, stiff as Young Chris when he watches his sister, boring. VC must want to lock the whole crew up in the preverbial attic and feed them poison. I will apologize they took what could have been a lucrative situation and killed it with Daddy Dollangerganger !!!!!
Please tell me there are recaps of the other three?
Fuck the comments in this thread. The book is ACTUALLY AMAZING and filled mystery and the everlasting effects of psychological abuse.
This lifetime movie however I am thoroughly disappointed in. The “Dollangangers” DO NOT have this “Doll like beauty” as what the book described, which is important, as it adds that mystic of beauty and ugliness effect. Though the abuse was there, it wasn’t actually scary or horrific, as I imagined, from the book, Also the fact that “Foxworth Hall” did not appear as grand or magnificent.