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I consider myself a coffee lover. In fact, it’s one of my listed “passions” on Tinder. Gotta let the ladies know what I’m into, right? I have my favorite coffee shop in the city, which is very close to my neighborhood, that I found while on assignment for my journalism gig. The story? Places to get out-of-the-box lattes. I was vibrating from caffeine after my fourth drink of the day, totaling to approximately eight shots of espresso.

I say this to say that coffee is important to me. I start my mornings with a big cup of black coffee made in my steel french press. I don’t know how or why, probably another impact of Instagram marketing, but I got it in my head that I needed an espresso machine.

Late one night, I found myself on Google searching up machines. And then I found her. A Kitchenaid model that came in a creamy off-white color, called Milkshake. I was sold. I dreamed about getting her for days. I mean I literally had dreams about this machine, would wake up with her in my Crate and Barrel cart, then go back to sleep because I did not have the money.

I resolved to get her after I got my tax return for the year, and I did.

She came in a huge Crate and Barrel box that was magnificently outsized for the length and width of the machine. She was tightly packed so it took some muscle work to get her out. But I did, cleaned all the parts, and made myself a latte with freshly ground “Moka Java” coffee. The coffee was described as having notes of pistachio, lime, and molasses. So I jumped on it.

My first run came out great. the espresso had a thick, creamy top with dark coffee underneath. I squealed, and I tasted a little lick of it. A little bitter but still good. I frothed my homemade milk, and it didn’t really do anything, which I expected. Still, it got hot, and I made a rosemary latte that I used to get at a local shop that is out of my way now.

All I can say is I’m a changed woman now. I make espresso in my apartment like a slutty little homemaker. How have I changed? Primarily, these five ways:

1. I’m sexier

I consider myself to be very attractive. On a good day, I’m sexy. Fat body and all, a local sex symbol if you will. My deep brown eyes are wide and admiring, My smile forces you to uncover your secrets. My feminine, Scorpio wiles have you in a trance. I’m that kind of woman, I know. But something about making rich, dark espresso at home has made me even more alluring.

I must confess. Before buying the machine I did a poll on Instagram asking if I should buy it. I got a ton of yeses. But one stood out from the fray, and that was Sarah Sarwar. She told me that it’s a hot move to make someone a little espresso drink after they spend the night. And I thought, now why hadn’t I thought of that! If someone made me a cappuccino after I spent the night with them I’d be dreaming about our future together. That made me buy Milkshake once I got the money!

I haven’t made espresso for anyone but myself lately, but aren’t I the sexy woman of my dreams? A little. The sexy woman of my dreams is a tall, dark, Taurus so I’m lacking on all points, but close enough!

When I look in the mirror I see a more attractive woman. I’ve been putting my eyelashes on right on the first try. My femme powers are so incredibly heightened. My prowess unparalleled. When I do meet tall, dark Taurus, it’s over for her. She will not be able to resist me after I make her a latte better than anything you can buy at your local artisanal coffee house.

2. I can taste the “notes” now

I love coffee, but I’m mostly a creature of habit, so I don’t adventure much. I have my favorite local coffee house that makes the beans I like. I get their dark roast and one medium roast that I try to switch out every month. But their dark roast is my bread and butter. It is…so good. I’m a dark roast lover. I know people say it just tastes like burnt coffee, but maybe that’s my thing.

The dark roast has cedar and dark chocolate notes in it, but I have never felt that tasting it from my french press batches. Maybe I just wasn’t savoring it enough. Whatever the reason, I’ve never really tasted the underlying flavors in coffees I like. Until now.

Once I played around with tamping pressure, water type, and ground size for the Moka Java coffee, I found a balance that resulted in a less bitter coffee, so I made myself my new favorite espresso drink: the Americano. An Americano is usually made by mixing two parts hot water with one part espresso, but you can play around with the balance. I made mine, then sat on my cute pink chair and had a taste.

Smooth, just the way I liked it. I slowed my tasting and tried to keep the coffee in my mouth for longer. Was I getting the pistachio notes? Yes! There is a decidedly nutty flavor to this coffee that really hits you on the tip of the tongue. I was so excited, I shimmied a little bit. I kept tasting…was I getting the lime? Yeah, I was. It was probably the most dominant flavor, the one that lingers on your tongue after a cup.

I did make an Americano with the dark roast as well, and it was definitely chocolatey. It reminded me of when I use to drink beer and would have an oatmeal stout that had a chocolate flavor underneath the alcohol. So I’m now a “…do you get the notes of rose in the single-origin?” bitch. I love that for me.

3. I can afford a house

I don’t spend as much money on coffee as I used to when I had to work out of an office every day. My daily runs to Dunkin or the mermaid place that likes union busting were really adding up! I work from home mostly, and make a big thing of french press coffee every other day or so, saving what I don’t drink in one day in the fridge for a next-day iced coffee.

Picture me like I’m a frazzled white woman in an infomercial. Except instead of Tupperware falling on me, it’s receipts for coffee shops, and I’m shaking my head with despair as I cling to my hair. Well, those days are a thing of the past.

I start my morning with two Americanos. Which would have run me about $6 dollars if I was going out to get them. But now, they are costing me nothing. Even when I make a latte, I’m saving money because I make my own milk now too. What would have cost me $6-$12 buying out now is essentially free. I know I know, “what about the cost of the machine! the beans?!” As far as I’m concerned, this machine has already paid for itself, and I’ve only had it for a couple of weeks.

I used to be a millennial so saddled with debt that I’d laugh at the prospect of buying a house. But these days? I’m on Zillow baby. I’m searching for a 2 bed 2 bath with nothing but smoke in my pockets and a dream.

4. I pritz around the apartment like someone’s sweet wife

I already belabored the fact that I’m much more attractive now, but buying Milkshake has also made me more feminine, more, how do I put this, wifey material? Yeah. I pritz around the apartment with a steaming mug, staring wistfully out the window waiting for my Taurus wife to find her way to me. I clean the floors with my pinky out. My nails are growing back in stronger, and I’m desiring a fresh pink manicure.

I turn 30 this year, so I’m almost ready to be a wife. I’ll start really driving that home when I hit 32, but for now, I’m just relaxing and waiting for whoever I can trick into marrying me. I’ve also taken up cooking again, actually making myself meals instead of microwaving a Sweet Earth burrito or ordering sushi.

I go to bed in my new lavender teddy instead of my usual, a pair of leggings and a sweatshirt. When I’m not sleeping, I put on my robe and work in the dim light of my apartment, listening to the rain pitter-patter. I say shit like pitter-patter. I’m eating almond butter again. I’ve got expensive tastes that can not be quenched by mere peanut butter! Will I make my own strawberry jam next? Probably.

My domestic proclivities are tingling, and I want someone to make an honest woman out of me. No more Tinder, no more answering strangers that slide into my Instagram DMs. I’m ready to be boo-d up and writing for a living while my wife brings home the majority of the money!

5. I shop at Anthropologie

This is mostly because Shelli Nicole informed me inadvertently that Anthropologie carries plus sizes now, but I bought a dress from them because the espresso machine has transformed me into the kind of woman that shops at Anthropologie. I used to stare longingly at their clothes at the one near me, never buying such expensive stuff. Now, I’m constantly browsing the plus section. Did you know they sell wedding dresses? All the more to desire!

I found this twist-front linen dress on the site that is roughly the same color as my Milkshake, so I bought it. I imagined myself wearing it at a bookstore after I move, or walking about a farmer’s market in the southern sun, being admired by women who love women, and women who don’t but are suddenly very curious about it. With a long gold necklace, and maybe a hat, this look would bring me into a whole new vibe for the kind of woman I want to be.

When the dress arrived, I put it on and stood in the mirror. It was perfect, so soft, so well constructed, a little big, but that’s just how I wanted it. A deep v-neck to reveal my ample bosom and my gold chain. I’m a real fashionista now that I make my own espresso. I would have a drink in this dress, but I’d be afraid to stain it. So I’ll reserve this garment for enticing onlookers and save my coffee drinking for robe-clad mornings.

There is so much to love about Milkshake, from the money I’m likely saving to the general glee I feel at saying “my espresso machine.” I feel suddenly very sexy and important and am craving another coffee drink so I have to go make one now. I will update you whenever I make a drink for someone who is not me, likely in essay form, probably disclosing all the devious sexual details as well. Watch this space!

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