It’s almost the holidays, and you know what that means: it’s time to find the perfect gift with which to thank the 8,000 spiders who raised you in that damp cave for their hard work and sacrifice over the years! Check out the list below so you don’t have to phone it in again this year by getting your 8,000 mothers another handful of flies!
A scarf
One pashmina scarf will provide ample shelter for many of the 8,000 brave, feminist spiders who raised you in the sunless cave where they found your infant body. Hope you’re prepared for all of your grateful parents to wrap their 64,000 legs around you in a full-body hug!
A charm for a Pandora bracelet
It can be hard to find something that all 8,000 of your arachnid parents can agree on, but even the pickiest resident of Spider Cave will love the elegance and simplicity of a Pandora charm bracelet. Try finding a charm commemorating something that all of them have in common, such as using their eight legs to walk and run, having chelicerae with fangs that are able to inject venom, or loving to shop!
Perfume
If there’s anything your spider mothers love more than praying to the hundreds of gods that comprise their complex polytheistic religion, it’s smelling good! A nice bottle of perfume says “your 8,000 writhing bodies deserve to smell like something other than cave water and egg sacs, and I appreciate that you raised me as one of your own instead of eating my baby bones with your spider teeth”!
Bones
Yeah, we know that every gift guide has bones on it, but it’s a classic for a reason! Your 8,000 spider mothers need as many bones as possible. It’s an easy and cheap gift for the thousands of eight-legged heroes who raised you to become the person you are today. Maybe one day they’ll even tell you what they do with the bones!
Not a jigsaw puzzle
We’ve all heard the screams of 8,000 frustrated spiders echoing endlessly throughout a damp cave as they fruitlessly try to assemble a jigsaw puzzle. This year, learn from your past mistakes and don’t buy your spider family any kind of puzzle, jigsaw or otherwise.
There it is – the perfect holiday gift guide for the 8,000 spiders who raised you in that damp cave! Now go forth and find some bones!
FINALLY a useful gift guide!
This is my favorite gift guide of 2019
This is great, very useful
This is why I’m an AS member.
I will only need 7,643 scarves, as the other 357 spiders were cold and distant and we don’t speak anymore
It’s not them…it’s the environment they were brought up in.
Yes, it’s a krull world out there
(1000 nerd points to anyone who gets this reference)
Spiders have 6 legs, Krull blades have 5
I’ll take those points in vegan donuts, thank you
6 legs and 2 arms?
oh right that’s an asterisk *
This explains why my footnotes are a mess, but not why I have toner dust in all my nooks and crannies
It’s raining krullers
Sorry, you only get krullers.
Omg Chandra did you already know this is one of my fave films
Sally!! I did not but I should have
Did YOU know that the line in my volcano essay about a bewitched mountain in a budget fantasy movie was based on the Black Fortress
Damn, I would have bet on Escape from Witch Mountain
I created this account only to say THIS IS THE MOST PERFECT THING I’VE READ EVER. Bye I’m never coming back JK I will thank you for this.
I had to double check to see if Erin was back, by which I mean bra-fucking-vo for making me laugh at 7:30 on this Friday the 13th morning.
Might I suggest as an addition, a large wave of radioactive energy so that the spiders can create 8000 new superheros to help us fight the coming apocalypse?
I’m voting for Janelle Monaé as one of these new spiderwomen superheroes.
Everyone knows Monaé spiders are the best
Hmm, I’m kinda partial to Mommi long-legs too
Don’t forget a bumper pack of eyedrops bc all that time on the web is exhausting!
no my eyes
no
Oh good point, either that or 32,000 pairs of tiny reading glasses
get the kind with a yellow filter to block all the blue light
Don’t show this to Snaëlle! ;)
TOO LATE
PUNS ARE EVERYWHERE
..sorry, but you should have made tighter knots if you didn’t want me to escape and see this. I was brought up with lots of practice at getting out of sticky situations
So you’re never stuck between arachnid and a hard place
But if I tie them too tight, who else will make me tea? Even worse, who else would make puns so punny? Dilemma-rama
It’s more than a dilemma, it’s a … predicament 😏
This is my favorite thing I have read today.
Clickbaitiest headline ever! This was a delight.