“Finding Magic After a Difficult Year” is part of the 13 Days of A+. From December 13 through December 25, we’re celebrating the people who literally keep our lights on, who believed we could make it through 2020, who invest and participate in this community through challenges and growth and change — that’s YOU. It’s truly magical to have so many guardian gayngels looking out for this space, and we’re so delighted to be able to do something a little special for our queer fam to close out the year. Some of what we publish for the 13 Days will be cozy and familiar, like Into the A+ Advice Box and Some Answers to Some Questions You’ve Been Asking Us. Some of it will be a twist on regulars; we have Malic White as a guest editor for two installments of the erotica series S L I C K for one… and the rest? We’re going to keep those pieces all boxed up in scissoring-patterned wrapping paper until they publish. We’re looking forward to spending some time with you. 

This post features cards from the This Might Hurt Tarot.

When we talk about magic, it’s often the positive, shimmering, brilliant sort: the magic of connection, of creation, of starting something new or discovering our purpose or feeling that delicious sensation of being in the right place at the right time, doing what we’re meant to be doing. Even if we can’t describe it exactly, we often know it when we see it: the magic within us, between us, that holds together relationships and communities, that inspires works of creativity and power, that motivates us to keep pursuing the things that we desire. In tarot, for this kind of magic we turn to the Magician, the Empress, the Chariot, the ten of cups, the three of wands: cards about sparks, movement, joy, triumph, personal power, rich community, a vision for the future that is bright and exciting. And these types of magic are beautiful and uplifting, curling around the edges of our hopes and dreams, beckoning us forward in a way that feels nurturing and fulfilling.

But there are other varieties of magic, ones that are just as important: opaque, transformative, building and shifting beneath the surface. Mysterious and strange, sometimes so quiet that we don’t even recognize them, these magics have the capacity to change the core of our being, to alter us permanently, to allow us to leave an old version of ourselves behind and step into someone new. The High Priestess, the Hermit, Judgement, the six of pentacles, the four of swords: these cards oversee the magic that happens in times of rest and reflection, the power that builds when we stay focused on our goals even through difficult stages, the ways that we shift when we forgive ourselves or accept a long-denied truth. These are the magics of true, lasting evolution, permanent growth, and powerful metamorphosis.

This year has been one of the hardest of my lifetime, and I know I’m not alone in feeling that way. We’ve endured loss and loneliness, been struggling through a pandemic without support or guidance, have watched the current administration blatantly dismantle and destroy as many things as possible, have marched in the streets and screamed for justice, have grieved and suffered, have compromised and adapted. Many have lost loved ones, relationships, communities, homes, jobs, businesses, gathering places: the things that sustain us, the connections that inspire us, the people that remind us of who we are. So many feel abandoned, forgotten, ignored. So many more feel desperately, heartbreakingly alone.

Yet for nearly all of us, whether we realize it or not, seeds have been planted this year. My therapist likes to remind me that things are always developing under the surface, taking root and stabilizing; that by the time we can see tender green shoots finally cracking through the soil, so much has already had to happen to reach that point of visible, powerful growth. Magic has been quietly present this year, working in places that we haven’t been able to see, perhaps so slowly and subtly that we haven’t yet noticed what is changing. It’s easy to get overwhelmed by crashing Towers and painful Deaths, the big changes and shifts within and around us, the endings and releasings and restructurings. But even when we aren’t sure what the fruits of our labors will be just yet, that doesn’t mean that nothing is happening. Sometimes we shift and change in the darkest spaces, hidden from the world and even ourselves, slowly adapting until we are transformed from within.

You might not know what seeds you’ve been nurturing this year, what has been brewing within your heart, the ways that your soul has been changing. Sometimes that tender ace of pentacles is an obvious and intentional planting, but other times things take root without our knowledge, happening quietly. Real transformation is not an overnight thing: instead it takes time and energy, persistence and gentleness, patience and awareness. The ways that this impossible year have impacted you may not reveal themselves for awhile, weeks or months or years; and yet that growth is real, lasting, important and necessary. What patterns have you broken, opinions have you shifted, truths have you recognized? Where have you felt the ground slowly shifting beneath your feet? When you think about where you want to go, who you want to be, do those dreams look the way they did a year ago?

For me personally, this year has upended nearly everything I had, everything I thought I was. My life has transformed completely, continues to change in seemingly endless ways. And like so many, I have had many dark moments, been lost and alone, felt abandoned and forgotten. I have had to be stronger than I thought I could ever be, have had to admit weakness and ask for help, have had to stand up for what I need and what I want. And as difficult as it’s been, as many times as I’ve stumbled, the pain has been worth it. The new life that I am beginning, the ways that so many of my essential relationships have shifted and evolved, the things I have lost and the things I have found: they are brilliant, and beautiful, and overflowing with potent, personal magic. I didn’t know I was capable of being this person, of living this life, yet here I am. And while there are still so many problems to solve, so many pieces to put together, so many dark corners to explore, I know that this year and its transformations have been a long time coming. They have shaped me into a person I love and respect, someone I’m proud to be. And they wouldn’t have happened without those periods of uncertainty, of grasping, of wondering. They wouldn’t have happened without magic working under the surface.

I imagine that we will spend the rest of our lives reflecting on everything that’s happened in 2020: the ways that we found connection in spite of suffering, the things that we learned and endured in order to survive. This year has brought so many Towers crumbling to the ground, has forced us to acknowledge the flaws and cracks, the broken pieces, the things that have long needed to be torn down and rebuilt. But I also imagine that we will be able to trace powerful lessons, essential beginnings, surprising revelations, from the experiences that we have had this year. All of those bittersweet moments of awareness, times of patience with the Hanged One and stillness with the four of swords, reflection with the Hermit or recognition with the six of pentacles: these shifts have been essential, formative, offered powerful beginnings alongside the dramatic endings. Throughlines have been established, truths are being explored, cracks and friction points will still continue to be recognized. And I promise that even if you aren’t sure what they are yet, even if you can’t see the magic that is being generated, it’s still there, slowly building beneath the surface.

Whether you have been aware of this magic for months or are only now beginning to believe that it might be present, this tarot spread can help you acknowledge it, understand it, even tap into it. What seeds have been planted, either intentionally or accidentally? What is starting to take root? What is stirring within you, growing and changing, helping you to evolve into another version of yourself? What strength has been building, fire has been burning, wisdom has been growing? What kinds of magic are you discovering within yourself?

As we prepare to shift into another new year, consider what you are carrying forward, and what you can leave behind. Where are you ready to explore something new, something unexpected? What can you set down, release, honor and grieve? What are you now moving towards? How can you harness the magic that you have been cultivating? And how will you allow that magic to continue to transform you?

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