Autumn is peak queer season, and I am so thankful it’s finally here. I loved our collective brat summer moment, but I’m ready to finally sport queer fashion the way it was intended: with sweaters, a hot beverage, and docs in weather that actually warrants boots. It might be the sleeve cuffing or the non-committal transitional color scheme, but something about this season feels so specifically bisexual to me. It’s only fitting we honor our season by doing what we do best here: ranking things by their queerness.
I narrowed the list to 14 bisexual fall activities, but I wanted to give honorable mention to a few lesbian-specific fall endeavors. I usually associate football and tailgating season with the straights, but it’s also a season for the very hot, athletic, butch lesbians. Do I want to go to a football game? No, but if a hot gay in a cutoff invites me, you better believe I’m bringing the craft beer. Oktoberfest is also deeply lesbian-coded. Have you ever been to a local Oktoberfest? Again, the craft beer! Additionally, hosting a farm-to-table moment and intentional fall baking feels pretty high-femme domestic lesbian to me. Finally, fall-specific camping excursions will always be a granola lesbian-specific activity.
Now, here are top fall activities ranked by bisexuality, from a fall-loving bisexual!
14. Puzzles
Tell me why every bisexual you know does some type of puzzle at least once a week. Scientists should study this.
Some of us choose the old-fashioned table puzzles, while others make digital puzzles their religion. I would rank it more toward the #1 spot if it weren’t for the cross-section of straight older women and their retired cishet husbands taking up half the market.
13. Miniature-Building
Collecting and crafting mini items are certainly gay activities for no traceable reason, but the fall season brings a certain bisexual flare to it. During this season, we’re building full landscapes, houses, or apartment complexes to show off on our bookcases. I’m currently working on a pastel-green mini camper van. Sure, I might never actually finish it, but it’s the aesthetic that counts.
12. Corn Maze
It’s the perfect friendship outing or second date because it can be scary, super wholesome, or somewhere in between! No need to choose!
11. Bonfires
While the granola gays are constantly trying to have folks over for a good bonfire night year-round, bisexuals save this sacred tradition for their favorite season. It’s the ideal activity for folks who want to be social, hate small talk, and also have social anxiety. People can’t see me AND we’re having deep conversations? Count me in.
10. Fruit & Vegetable Picking
The prime seasonal vegetables and fruits in autumn are so extremely bi. Maybe we love the quirky squash, maybe we love the seductive fig, or maybe we just hate hot weather. I truly don’t know how to explain it, but now I think there should be a Bisexual Farmer’s Almanac.
9. Road Trips to Cabins in the Woods
Similar to the corn maze, it can be horror-coded or extremely family friendly. This pick-your-own fall adventure guarantees beautiful scenery, local eats, and intimate quality time with your travel companion. The agenda is usually a whole lot of cozy, outdoor nothingness, which is the heart of the bisexual autumn travel agenda.
8. Haunted Houses
As we’ve written many, many times before, horror is queer. As a scaredy cat, I don’t have a lot of first-hand bisexual horror experience. However, quite literally every other bisexual I know looks forward to the season of horror nights and scare zones. Maybe it’s the thrill of not knowing or the thrill of finally feeling something? Scary season bisexuals, feel free to chime in here.
7. Getting Back to that Unfinished Novel
NaNoWriMo is upon us, and it’s time to dust the metaphorical manuscript off the shelf. Tis the season for moody poetry, creepy prose, and really bisexual smut, am I right?
6. Intricate Lattes
Sure, bisexual baristas do this year-round, but I’m talking about the lay bisexual who just bought a coffee cart and 10 different syrups. Now is the perfect time to start making those iced lattes from home to save money, only to buy a unique latte flavor at our local coffee shop down the street anyway due to a fall crush.
5. Knitting
It’s the doing-something-with-your-hands that solidifies this so high in the ranking. It requires focus and commitment, but not too much. It’s something warm and fuzzy we can make for a new lover or keep for ourselves during our solo eras.
4. Harvest Celebrations
It’s that typical game-night potluck we have every once in a while, but the theme goes above and beyond to honor the changing seasons of the weather and our lives. It’s complete with Trader Joe’s goodies and a warm cider or mulled wine. And yes, the farm-to-table lesbian will be bringing the actual harvested goods.
3. Cozy Video Games
Under the influence of “bi-wife energy” geeks, we’re lured back into the realm of “cozy games” like Animal Crossing or Stardew Valley because they help soothe anxiety and provide a potential social element that doesn’t feel too intense.
2. Buying More Candles
BECAUSE WE ALWAYS NEED MORE CANDLES. I’m convinced the Home Goods candle aisle on an October Thursday evening makes more money from bisexuals than any other demographic at any other time of year. No matter what scents we’ve held on to from last year, there’s always a new “apple crisp” or “cozy fleece” in a cute neutral-colored jar we must have.
1. Fall Cleaning
Which is very distinct from spring cleaning! While both are necessary, fall cleaning comes with a bundle of emotions. We look into our disheveled closets and find we have nothing to wear to cute fall activities that are weather-appropriate. Instead of settling or going out to buy an outfit, we make the decision to do the ultimate indecisive act: sort clothes into throw-away, sell, or donate piles. Of course, this project is never actually complete, but it’s something we can throw all our chaotic energy into that has no real consequence on the rest of the season because, after all, we’ll spend most of the winter under cozy blankets anyway.
