Hello and welcome to the ninth recap of the third season of Faking It, a show about what happens when you turn a maxi dress into a mini pad! This finger lickin’ good program is brought to you by the same network that brought you Singled Out, the best game show of all time.
We open in Amy’s den of sin and martyrdom, where she’s engaging in some heavy over-the-clothes petting with her best Amiga, Sabrina. The two hungry teenagers paw at each other’s buttons and apparent double-bra situations like cats vaguely interested in having lunch, while cooing about how the past four days have been incredible and magical! Aw man.
I’m so glad I wore my crotchless thong today
And I’m so glad I wore my Rodeoh
Then who should interrupt but Farrah, wanting to know if the ladies are bringing dates to her Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Holiday Party. Like maybe… you know… Felix? NOPE, says Amy. NOPE No Felix, no dates, no persons of interest. Farrah’s not buying it, ’cause she says Amy’s seemed ESPECIALLY happy lately, so there must be somebody! The girls, amused with themselves, deny the accusations, but when Farrah dips out, Amy dips in: she knows Sabrina’s not ready to come out to her imaginary parents or any other persons from her vacant backstory, but Amy doesn’t like lying to her Mom or Karma. Sabrina agrees to let this exclusive circle in on their deal, but is nervous about Karma. Amy insists there’s nothing Karma could say that’d come between them! I can’t wait to find out what Karma’s gonna say to come between them!
Java the Jamhouse Hey Jude Don’t Be A Steamed Milk You Were Made To Go Out and Mooooo-cha: Karma’s convinced that Sabrina’s only pretending to be a lesbian in order to sink her claws deeper into Amy’s tender label-free skin, but Felix thinks Karma sounds crazy and refuses to partake in Karma’s anti-Sabrina campaign.
C’mon, if you’re going to be the male antihero in this drama, I need you to give me passion! I need DARKNESS!
How’s this
Perfect.
Like a flash of light from a far away star colony, Amy rushes into the Coffee Haus, burning to tell Karma about Sabrina questioning her sexuality and slipping Amy the tongue. Amy knows Karma’s not president of the Sabrina Fan Club, but she really hopes Karma won’t talk trash about Sabrina or try to talk Amy out of being in this thing that makes her so so so so happy! Karma’s like WHO ME NOPE. HAHAHAHA What was I thinking where was I oops so spacey!!! I just want you to be happy!!!
Look, I was thinking about everything and you’re right I want to try again.
I JUST GAVE ALL OUR ANAL BEADS TO LAUREN
LAUREN & LIAM’S LAIR: NO MORE ONE-NIGHT STANDS IN MY APARTMENT, LIAM, THIS IS NOT A BROTHEL AND YOU DO NOT PAY RENT AND THAT GIRL BROKE MY MUG AND WANTED COFFEE AND THIS IS NOT A COFFEE SHOP FOR ONE-NIGHT STANDS. NO ONE-NIGHT STANDS LIAM HOW HARD IS THAT.
The Glass Ceiling does exist in the fact that there are more men at the top of businesses, but contrary to what feminists believe is that it isn’t because of discrimination, but because women choose different lifestyles than men.
WELL LAUREN EVERYBODY BESIDES MONKS HAVE ONE-NIGHT STANDS. MAYBE YOU SHOULD LOWER YOUR STANDARDS AND HAVE BOYS OVER SO THAT YOU CAN STOP “SLUT-SHAMING” ME BECAUSE I AM A VICTIM.
Lauren: Do you know how hard it is to find a handsome athletic ambitious young libertarian who wears khakis that actually fit and is comfortable with a strong woman?
Does anybody know if Kelly Clarkson wears khakis that actually fit? E-mail me.
Band Room: The Band Room has a nice rug that I want for my band room! Shane and Noah are gonna have sex tomorrow! Not tonight, because of the HO HO HO party and the Reiki Healing Test, but tomorrow. Yup for sure tomorrow! It’s a sex date!
Just because my shirt only has ONE shade of blue in it doesn’t mean I’m not an equal in this relationship
Hester High’s World-Famous Cafeteria Common Area Situation With Vitamin Water: Karma gives Sabrina a piece of her mind about playing with Amy’s heart and emotions, but Sabrina insists there’s nothing fake about their relationship and she won’t let Karma fuck it up by being a jealous paranoid bitch.
I’ve made up my mind and if you wanna get with my friend, you’re gonna have to be my lover
That’s backwards.
Sabrina accuses Karma of accusing her of killing Tupac and storms out, leaving her CELL PHONE behind. Yeah, the phone a boy called her on and she had to tuck away while Karma was yelling at her. That phone.
Liam’s unclear on why Shane hasn’t slipped Noah the salami yet and Shane is dying inside ’cause he can’t talk to Liam about Noah being trans. Instead, Shane demands details on Liam’s sex life, which Liam admits is over ’cause Lauren doesn’t have a sexy sexy sex life of her own to drown out the moans and growls from his one-night ladies.
There’s a difference between women not being at the top and women not being able to get to the top, you know?
Shane suggests they find her a new man, but Liam says her standards are too high — and, as if on cue, we meet PRESTON, wearing tight khakis and arguing with Penelope Delia Fisher about why there’s no Libertarian club at Hester Homo High School For Hedonists. SCORE.
Ho Ho Ho Holiday Party: Amy reveals her relationship with Sabrina to her Mom, and her Mom’s totes cool!
SURPRISE! WE SUPER-GLUED OUR HANDS TOGETHER!
Is that a lesbian thing or….?
We’re crafty. You knew that, right?
In fact, Farrah has ALSO reconnected with somebody from her past and he’s here right now at this very party! Turns out Farrah’s new/old flame, Ron, is a criminal who steals and lies and Amy is not at all thrilled about his return to their fiesta.
Meanwhile, Amy summons Felix to her lair to demand he hack into Sabrina’s phone.
Thank me later, Felix, but I think I found your date for the Ho party!
WHOAH YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT GUYS NAMED EVAN
Felix is no Caleb, unfortunately, and instead fate must jailbreak the phone — Evan, Sabrina’s obvious boyfriend, rings his lady to let her know he’s in town and on his way to her place and Karma answers, pretending to be Sabrina, and asks him to meet them at the Brew-and-Chew-You in five minutes! Probably there’s gonna be like a jazz quartet thing tonight and she doesn’t wanna miss it. Who doesn’t love a nice jazz quartet and a warm cup of java.
Back at the Ho-Ho-Hoagie Party, Amy’s determined to prove that Ron is still a terrible person who gets his girlfriends involved in Pyramid schemes and is overall a lying manipulative asshat. Sabrina’s like, “What if it was just a little lie that got out of hand and now he really likes her? What if he’s changed?” Yup — so Sabrina was lying about her sexuality… but then she fell for Amy anyhow. WATCH AND LEARN, KARMA.
Every time Shane walks into a room, some girl walks out crying
Meanwhile, Lauren shows up with lesbian twins she calls “New Lisbeth.” She delivers strict orders on how to improve her Instagram game by taking lots of glamorous candids where she looks “relateably fabulous.”
YOU KNOW HEATHER HOGAN? REALLY?
But look out, Lisbeths: Liam’s brought Preston to the party, and it doesn’t take long for him and Lauren to hit it off on the topic of American exceptionalism and manifest destiny. Sparks are flying this evening, ladies, but Shane’s in a tizzy about Noah’s vagina and is coping by making Leila answer weird questions about peppermint bark.
Shane: Suppose you absolutely adore candy canes and you don’t think you even liked peppermint bark, but then you find some peppermint bark you really wanna eat, does this mean you’re a peppermint bark person now and not a candy cane person?
Leila: I’m not allowed to have processed sugar.
Sigh.
Out in the dark mean streets of Austin, Karma and Felix are on a mission to meet this Evan fellow and get the DL on his LOL. Evan, who kind of seems like the personification of a soap commercial, is surprised when two strangers plop down at his table, claim to be Australian tourists, and have a lot of questions about his girlfriend Sabrina. Evan isn’t fooled and demands to know who they are and what they want. Karma says there’s something he needs to know about Sabrina.
If you have a minute, we’d love to chat with you about the opportunities Cutco Knives can offer you
I LOVE KNIVES!
Gosh these kids! Proper etiquette in this situation would be for Karma to go directly to Sabrina, say “we know you have a boyfriend,” and give her a chance to explain and then tell her she has to go talk to Amy about it or they will. But nobody asked me!
At the HO HO HO HO HO Holiday Party, Shane’s using mambo metaphors to discuss his fear that he might be bad at PIV sex, but Ron just wants to sell him a timeshare in South Padre Island. It has a spa tub and a sauna, so. Amy spots this salesmanship from across the room and is horrified, but Sabrina wonders if maybe, you know, he’s just “really excited about his investment.”
Holy shit I think that man stole my blazer
Amy beelines for her mother to reveal Ron’s continued investment in unfortunate investment schemes but Sabrina really has something to tell Amy right this minute! Amy says she’ll have to put that thought on hold so the episode can play out in a way that will enable her to end up with Felix. So Amy goes to her Mom and says Ron is selling timeshares to her friends. Farrah tries to play it off as him being kind and generous, but Amy’s not buying it: she tells Farrah not to settle for somebody who’s really into Herbalife and patio furniture, the right guy could still be out there! She really goes for the gold by relaying how she, 16-year-old Amy, had almost given up hope herself until Sabrina came into her life! See! Now she’s finally found the right one! It’s Sabrina! Oh man.
You weren’t serious about getting a “Sabrina Forever” stick-and-poke tattoo, were you honey?
I mean…
Liam tells Shane to stop with the metaphors and go talk to Noah about whatever the hell it is that Shane can’t say to Liam.
II have seen Hillary Clinton talk about “women’s inequality issues,” even though there aren’t any, but she seems to be ignoring men’s inequality issues.
Yeah, like what about substantially less funding going to studying men-only diseases compared to women-only diseases?
Exactly.
Lauren’s hit it off with Preston until he lets slip that Liam said they’d be a good match, which immediately turns Lauren off.
Be honest with me — how do you feel about the 99%?
Could literally die in a fire.
She marches over to Liam to tell him she doesn’t need his matchmaking skills, especially if they only exist to enable him to do the horizontal mambo with a series of strangers from the Niagara Falls area. After all, her list of requirements doesn’t end with libertarian, it ends with — “someone who can accept me for being different without treating me like I’m different.” Guys like that don’t walk in the door every day, Lauren points out. So then you know… a guy like that walks through the door.
HEY-
…with a lady.
oh.
Who invited Theo to this party??? Welp, Lauren wants to leave and Liam’s eager to grab her and skedaddle, but Theo stops them on their way out. He wants to apologize — he didn’t know his “girlfriend’s work party” was the world-famous Farrah Fawcett Amy Timeshare Ho Ho Ho Holiday Party! So Lauren does what any self-conscious girl with a lot of pride would do in this situation — says Liam’s her boyfriend and they’ve got a few more parties to hit up so… bye!
DRAW ME LIKE ONE OF YOUR FRENCH GIRLS
Upstairs, Amy finds Sabrina looking for her phone. This girl must be even less popular than me, how has she just now noticed that her phone is missing? Amy apologizes for all that “right one” stuff down there, she doesn’t wanna pressure Sabrina into being in a normal lesbian relationship. You know, the kind where we have feelings too fast and act on them immediately. But Sabrina’s down: she feels the same way about Amy. When Amy asks what Sabrina wanted to tell her earlier, Sabrina’s got only this: “Just that I don’t want to lose you.”
“Me neither,” says Amy. “So can we be girlfriends?”
“Yes, please,” says Sabrina.
I used to read a lot of Karmy fan-fic, okay? I did.
And?
I’m jumping ship.
AMY AND SABRINA ARE GIRLFRIENDS! It’s cute they seem genuinely happy. If only they weren’t ensnared in a web of lies and probably near death from E Coli poisoning. That last one is just a theory. Sabrina is really pretty.
Outside on this cool Texas evening, Felix and Karma are processing their encounter with Evan, who did not take the news well. Felix is sorry for doubting Karma, now he realizes she just cares a lot about Amy. Also, that thing about Karma being jealous ’cause she wanted to make out with Amy was just another dream sequence kiss, so. Felix volunteers to break the news, just in case Amy kills the messenger, we won’t be down another lady in the cast.
Why are you always looking at me like that
I’m trying to kill you with laser beams from my eyeballs, weirdo!
Then Karma puts her hand on Felix’s hand and asks if he’s worried about it hurting his chances with Amy. They smile and fidget awkwardly and he says he thinks he’ll be okay. OH MAN.
Shane has summoned Noah to his home using teevee magic and now here they are, ready to hook up! Shane admits he’s been nervous and wants to talk about it, and Noah divulges his own nervousness, admitting he’s never done this before. Then Shane confesses that he’s been worried that having sex with Noah would mean he’d “lose his gay card,” and Noah turns cold immediately, saying “I’m a gay man, Shane. If you don’t see me as fully male, then maybe we shouldn’t date. ”
If you’d rather see Donald Trump become president than vote for Hillary in the general election, then we’re done here.
Shane says the words came out wrong and he does want to date, but it’s too late: Noah’s walking out. NICE ONE, SHANE.
LIAM AND LAUREN’S LAIR: So, guess who has like ten billion new Insta followers and a trending hashtag #booper? That’s right, the internet’s hottest new couple: Lauren and Liam. OH MAN.
Why’d they go with #booper over #cooker, do you think?
Ho Ho Ho, Amy and Sabrina tumble down the stairs hand in hand, so excited to be girlfriends for the next 45 seconds!
WHEEEEEEE
Because Felix and Karma show up with something Amy doesn’t wanna hear, but before she can not hear it, Evan shows up, looking for Sabrina.
I have really bad gas.
Sabrina comes out with her two cups of eggnog, her two sad cups of egg nog!, finding Evan, “So, you’re a lesbian now?”
I thought you HATED Egg Nog, you lying bitch
Amy’s furious and Sabrina begs for a chance to explain.
Amy: You’ve been lying this whole time? Why?
Karma: So she could get closer to you to push me out.
Amy: Is this true?
Sabrina: Technically at first, but that’s just because Karma was —
Sabrina wants to confess her true deep feelings for Amy but it’s okay, that’s not where this is going.
Are those even your real teeth!?
NO, THEY’RE VENEERS
Instead Amy says she never wants to see Sabrina again and thanks Karma for saving her. They hug. They cry. We all do, a little bit, inside. Also I hate how shows do this! When somebody fucks with me, I literally could spend the rest of my LIFE listening to them explain themselves. TELL ME EVERYTHING, ASSHAT. Plus, there’s always the chance that the explanation could involve them still being into me, but just going about it in an evil way, which is nice to know for the ego, you know?
Jesus Christ.
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So a few things-
1. Riese, from your tone in this recap I’m guessing you were as annoyed and unsatisfied by this episode and how stupidly formulaic and non-Karmy-serving as I was!
2. Look, Shane is an idiot but he’s 16 and apparently there are no other trans kids in his life. I don’t blame him for being insecure about PIV sex and I’m hoping he and Noah can talk next episode and make things right.
3. HOW FRUSTRATING IS IT that the way Amy/Sabrina ended basically eliminates any possibility of Karma becoming jealous of them after all? My best case scenario for the end of 3A was that maybe Karma would see Amy and Sabrina together and realize she’s jealous and she wants to be with Amy, which would set her up to finally start questioning her sexuality in 3B (if they get a 3B). But now the promo for next week seems to be hinting at a Karma/Felix thing and I’m just about ready to tear my hair out over this stupid show.
Yo I am with you on #2. I think it’s realistic for a gay teenage boy to feel insecure and confused about the situation, and to me it didn’t feel like he meant that Noah ‘isn’t fully male’, he just blurted out the wrong thing. I feel like next week they will get to talk it out in a way that’s hopefully respectful and yet doesn’t gloss over the hard stuff. You know? If they do this right, it could be a really great storyline. (Emphasis on *IF* they do this right.)
Yeah, agreed. I think when he was talking in metaphors and saying he’s comfortable with x but not y, he meant that he’s used to penises and not vaginas, and that’s a very real thing to be nervous about? When he mentioned his “gay card,” though, that was undoubtedly the wrong thing to say and it sounded like he knew it. I’m hoping they use the next episode to teach a lesson through Shane’s mistake. It would be great if they can still go through with having sex, because for god’s sake, the only sex that’s happened all season has been straight sex and that’s a tragedy.
yeah, actually, i think you’re totally right. it’s weird, b/c i’m so used to critiquing representation of trans women on television, that like, especially after the big project i did last month… like i literally watched at least 50 tv episodes of men being horrified to discover a woman they know has a penis… that i was like UGH THIS AGAIN!??! but… it’s not this again, because this actually isn’t a story we’ve ever seen before, with it being a gay guy and a trans guy. i hope they handle it responsibly.
God, your poor brain x
I agree! It has potential to be a good storyline, *if they do it right*… (and with their track record… :/)
Still, I actually had to pause it right before the Noah/Shane scene and remind myself, “This has to happen so they can get to the whole ‘explaining how transmen are men’ thing.”.
There are so many things that I interpreted a little off because apparently, I’m losing my hearing. I thought that Sabrina didn’t want to be Amy’s girlfriend, she just wanted to be friends, and was trying to back out of the relationship without f**king everything up.
At this point I’d be fine with Karma, Liam, and Shane being tossed out of a window into a dumpster in favor of Farrah living happily ever after with someone, Noah gets to go be happy with someone who isn’t Shane because god knows whenever I think I can’t detest Shane more I do, Amy doesn’t get fucked over and runs off to become the broest of bros in an epic bromance with Felix. And Lauren becomes a famous, successful CEO of some company of her own making while building a stronger sister relationship with Amy.
One of the weirdest things I do privately that people don’t know about me is read recaps of tv shows I don’t watch and never will–mostly just Riese recapping Faking It
you are not aloooone haha
So is Karma/Felix going to derail that awful Amy/Felix inevitability? Karma isn’t very interesting outside her relationship with Amy and Felix isn’t interesting full stop, but I am absolutely down for another unfathomably boring Karma relationship if it keeps the last tiny shred of hope for Amy vaguely alive.
P.S. insert some paean to the towering monolith of Shane’s awfulness here
YES YES YES just keep Felix away from Amy pls
Also ‘Karma isn’t very interesting outside her relationship with Amy and Felix isn’t interesting full stop’ made me cackle at my desk
I love your recaps!
Boy, they really went to town using virtually every TV trope in existence for this episode, huh?
As much as I love Amy and Lauren, and your recaps, I’ve decided that the writers of this show are in fact just bad and need to be stopped.
It seems pretty obvious to me that Amy is only interested in Felix when Karma or Sabrina aren’t options. Like, she might have some feelings for him, but he’s never her first choice.
I hope that Amy and Sabrina get back together (at this point, I just appreciate that Sabrina actually, genuinely likes Amy, despite her duplicitous start) and that Karma and Felix get together (not because I care about their relationship, but because then Karma will stop trying to shove him at Amy every five minutes).
Also Felix is much better than Liam
The only reason I keep watching this show is for these amazing recaps! The captions with Liam had me loling
At least Shane did keep Noah’s secret, though I was surprised no one guessed after all his thinly veiled questions.
Characters on sitcoms are often insultingly dumb, though. I guess so that the ridiculous misunderstandings as plot devices work? (MODERN FAMILY, I AM LOOKING @ YOU.)
Like if we were on the show we’d be like, ‘Shane, your genitalia metaphors are basically as subtle as a brick’ vs *puzzled faces* *literal answer to metaphorical candy question*
wait, so i haven’t seen this episode yet, or the last one, but did noah say he wanted to have PIV sex? bc like, there are other ways gay guys have sex. Is Shane assuming they wouldn’t just do anal like he’s probably done with other guys? But like I said, i haven’t seen the episode.
also, i just want lauren to be gay and happy
No, PIV was never specifically addressed. It just seems like Shane is just nervous about having sex with someone who has a vagina for the first time as an out gay man.
Also, I too wish that Lauren liked girls (and was happy)
the caption on the photo of the new Lisbeths had me laughing so hard my dog left to hide in the other room.
“Java the Jamhouse Hey Jude Don’t Be A Steamed Milk You Were Made To Go Out and Mooooo-cha”
Things like this is why I’m a gold member here. I ♡ you so hard, Riese.
I LOVE YOU TOO PAPES
want you to know this came from a true event where i ordered a mocha and he gave me a steamed milk. A STEAMED MILK.
You’re an inspiration to us all to mine such a tragic circumstance into literary gold.
I laughed hard and long at the Spice Girls caption sequence.
The Breakfast Club Niagara Falls reference made my day, but really this whole recap is gold.
thank you for catching it!
This whole New Lisbeth situation is how I imagine Kara finding a new assistant for Cat is going to go