Hello and welcome to the ninth recap of the third season of Faking It, a show about what happens when you turn a maxi dress into a mini pad! This finger lickin’ good program is brought to you by the same network that brought you Singled Out, the best game show of all time.
We open in Amy’s den of sin and martyrdom, where she’s engaging in some heavy over-the-clothes petting with her best Amiga, Sabrina. The two hungry teenagers paw at each other’s buttons and apparent double-bra situations like cats vaguely interested in having lunch, while cooing about how the past four days have been incredible and magical! Aw man.
I’m so glad I wore my crotchless thong today
And I’m so glad I wore my Rodeoh
Then who should interrupt but Farrah, wanting to know if the ladies are bringing dates to her Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Holiday Party. Like maybe… you know… Felix? NOPE, says Amy. NOPE No Felix, no dates, no persons of interest. Farrah’s not buying it, ’cause she says Amy’s seemed ESPECIALLY happy lately, so there must be somebody! The girls, amused with themselves, deny the accusations, but when Farrah dips out, Amy dips in: she knows Sabrina’s not ready to come out to her imaginary parents or any other persons from her vacant backstory, but Amy doesn’t like lying to her Mom or Karma. Sabrina agrees to let this exclusive circle in on their deal, but is nervous about Karma. Amy insists there’s nothing Karma could say that’d come between them! I can’t wait to find out what Karma’s gonna say to come between them!
Java the Jamhouse Hey Jude Don’t Be A Steamed Milk You Were Made To Go Out and Mooooo-cha: Karma’s convinced that Sabrina’s only pretending to be a lesbian in order to sink her claws deeper into Amy’s tender label-free skin, but Felix thinks Karma sounds crazy and refuses to partake in Karma’s anti-Sabrina campaign.
C’mon, if you’re going to be the male antihero in this drama, I need you to give me passion! I need DARKNESS!
How’s this
Perfect.
Like a flash of light from a far away star colony, Amy rushes into the Coffee Haus, burning to tell Karma about Sabrina questioning her sexuality and slipping Amy the tongue. Amy knows Karma’s not president of the Sabrina Fan Club, but she really hopes Karma won’t talk trash about Sabrina or try to talk Amy out of being in this thing that makes her so so so so happy! Karma’s like WHO ME NOPE. HAHAHAHA What was I thinking where was I oops so spacey!!! I just want you to be happy!!!
Look, I was thinking about everything and you’re right I want to try again.
I JUST GAVE ALL OUR ANAL BEADS TO LAUREN
LAUREN & LIAM’S LAIR: NO MORE ONE-NIGHT STANDS IN MY APARTMENT, LIAM, THIS IS NOT A BROTHEL AND YOU DO NOT PAY RENT AND THAT GIRL BROKE MY MUG AND WANTED COFFEE AND THIS IS NOT A COFFEE SHOP FOR ONE-NIGHT STANDS. NO ONE-NIGHT STANDS LIAM HOW HARD IS THAT.
The Glass Ceiling does exist in the fact that there are more men at the top of businesses, but contrary to what feminists believe is that it isn’t because of discrimination, but because women choose different lifestyles than men.
WELL LAUREN EVERYBODY BESIDES MONKS HAVE ONE-NIGHT STANDS. MAYBE YOU SHOULD LOWER YOUR STANDARDS AND HAVE BOYS OVER SO THAT YOU CAN STOP “SLUT-SHAMING” ME BECAUSE I AM A VICTIM.
Lauren: Do you know how hard it is to find a handsome athletic ambitious young libertarian who wears khakis that actually fit and is comfortable with a strong woman?
Does anybody know if Kelly Clarkson wears khakis that actually fit? E-mail me.
Band Room: The Band Room has a nice rug that I want for my band room! Shane and Noah are gonna have sex tomorrow! Not tonight, because of the HO HO HO party and the Reiki Healing Test, but tomorrow. Yup for sure tomorrow! It’s a sex date!
Just because my shirt only has ONE shade of blue in it doesn’t mean I’m not an equal in this relationship
Hester High’s World-Famous Cafeteria Common Area Situation With Vitamin Water: Karma gives Sabrina a piece of her mind about playing with Amy’s heart and emotions, but Sabrina insists there’s nothing fake about their relationship and she won’t let Karma fuck it up by being a jealous paranoid bitch.
I’ve made up my mind and if you wanna get with my friend, you’re gonna have to be my lover
That’s backwards.
Sabrina accuses Karma of accusing her of killing Tupac and storms out, leaving her CELL PHONE behind. Yeah, the phone a boy called her on and she had to tuck away while Karma was yelling at her. That phone.
Liam’s unclear on why Shane hasn’t slipped Noah the salami yet and Shane is dying inside ’cause he can’t talk to Liam about Noah being trans. Instead, Shane demands details on Liam’s sex life, which Liam admits is over ’cause Lauren doesn’t have a sexy sexy sex life of her own to drown out the moans and growls from his one-night ladies.
There’s a difference between women not being at the top and women not being able to get to the top, you know?
Shane suggests they find her a new man, but Liam says her standards are too high — and, as if on cue, we meet PRESTON, wearing tight khakis and arguing with Penelope Delia Fisher about why there’s no Libertarian club at Hester Homo High School For Hedonists. SCORE.
Ho Ho Ho Holiday Party: Amy reveals her relationship with Sabrina to her Mom, and her Mom’s totes cool!
SURPRISE! WE SUPER-GLUED OUR HANDS TOGETHER!
Is that a lesbian thing or….?
We’re crafty. You knew that, right?
In fact, Farrah has ALSO reconnected with somebody from her past and he’s here right now at this very party! Turns out Farrah’s new/old flame, Ron, is a criminal who steals and lies and Amy is not at all thrilled about his return to their fiesta.
Meanwhile, Amy summons Felix to her lair to demand he hack into Sabrina’s phone.
Thank me later, Felix, but I think I found your date for the Ho party!
WHOAH YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT GUYS NAMED EVAN
Felix is no Caleb, unfortunately, and instead fate must jailbreak the phone — Evan, Sabrina’s obvious boyfriend, rings his lady to let her know he’s in town and on his way to her place and Karma answers, pretending to be Sabrina, and asks him to meet them at the Brew-and-Chew-You in five minutes! Probably there’s gonna be like a jazz quartet thing tonight and she doesn’t wanna miss it. Who doesn’t love a nice jazz quartet and a warm cup of java.
Back at the Ho-Ho-Hoagie Party, Amy’s determined to prove that Ron is still a terrible person who gets his girlfriends involved in Pyramid schemes and is overall a lying manipulative asshat. Sabrina’s like, “What if it was just a little lie that got out of hand and now he really likes her? What if he’s changed?” Yup — so Sabrina was lying about her sexuality… but then she fell for Amy anyhow. WATCH AND LEARN, KARMA.
Every time Shane walks into a room, some girl walks out crying
Meanwhile, Lauren shows up with lesbian twins she calls “New Lisbeth.” She delivers strict orders on how to improve her Instagram game by taking lots of glamorous candids where she looks “relateably fabulous.”
YOU KNOW HEATHER HOGAN? REALLY?
But look out, Lisbeths: Liam’s brought Preston to the party, and it doesn’t take long for him and Lauren to hit it off on the topic of American exceptionalism and manifest destiny. Sparks are flying this evening, ladies, but Shane’s in a tizzy about Noah’s vagina and is coping by making Leila answer weird questions about peppermint bark.
Shane: Suppose you absolutely adore candy canes and you don’t think you even liked peppermint bark, but then you find some peppermint bark you really wanna eat, does this mean you’re a peppermint bark person now and not a candy cane person?
Leila: I’m not allowed to have processed sugar.
Sigh.
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So a few things-
1. Riese, from your tone in this recap I’m guessing you were as annoyed and unsatisfied by this episode and how stupidly formulaic and non-Karmy-serving as I was!
2. Look, Shane is an idiot but he’s 16 and apparently there are no other trans kids in his life. I don’t blame him for being insecure about PIV sex and I’m hoping he and Noah can talk next episode and make things right.
3. HOW FRUSTRATING IS IT that the way Amy/Sabrina ended basically eliminates any possibility of Karma becoming jealous of them after all? My best case scenario for the end of 3A was that maybe Karma would see Amy and Sabrina together and realize she’s jealous and she wants to be with Amy, which would set her up to finally start questioning her sexuality in 3B (if they get a 3B). But now the promo for next week seems to be hinting at a Karma/Felix thing and I’m just about ready to tear my hair out over this stupid show.
Yo I am with you on #2. I think it’s realistic for a gay teenage boy to feel insecure and confused about the situation, and to me it didn’t feel like he meant that Noah ‘isn’t fully male’, he just blurted out the wrong thing. I feel like next week they will get to talk it out in a way that’s hopefully respectful and yet doesn’t gloss over the hard stuff. You know? If they do this right, it could be a really great storyline. (Emphasis on *IF* they do this right.)
Yeah, agreed. I think when he was talking in metaphors and saying he’s comfortable with x but not y, he meant that he’s used to penises and not vaginas, and that’s a very real thing to be nervous about? When he mentioned his “gay card,” though, that was undoubtedly the wrong thing to say and it sounded like he knew it. I’m hoping they use the next episode to teach a lesson through Shane’s mistake. It would be great if they can still go through with having sex, because for god’s sake, the only sex that’s happened all season has been straight sex and that’s a tragedy.
yeah, actually, i think you’re totally right. it’s weird, b/c i’m so used to critiquing representation of trans women on television, that like, especially after the big project i did last month… like i literally watched at least 50 tv episodes of men being horrified to discover a woman they know has a penis… that i was like UGH THIS AGAIN!??! but… it’s not this again, because this actually isn’t a story we’ve ever seen before, with it being a gay guy and a trans guy. i hope they handle it responsibly.
God, your poor brain x
I agree! It has potential to be a good storyline, *if they do it right*… (and with their track record… :/)
Still, I actually had to pause it right before the Noah/Shane scene and remind myself, “This has to happen so they can get to the whole ‘explaining how transmen are men’ thing.”.
There are so many things that I interpreted a little off because apparently, I’m losing my hearing. I thought that Sabrina didn’t want to be Amy’s girlfriend, she just wanted to be friends, and was trying to back out of the relationship without f**king everything up.
At this point I’d be fine with Karma, Liam, and Shane being tossed out of a window into a dumpster in favor of Farrah living happily ever after with someone, Noah gets to go be happy with someone who isn’t Shane because god knows whenever I think I can’t detest Shane more I do, Amy doesn’t get fucked over and runs off to become the broest of bros in an epic bromance with Felix. And Lauren becomes a famous, successful CEO of some company of her own making while building a stronger sister relationship with Amy.
One of the weirdest things I do privately that people don’t know about me is read recaps of tv shows I don’t watch and never will–mostly just Riese recapping Faking It
you are not aloooone haha
So is Karma/Felix going to derail that awful Amy/Felix inevitability? Karma isn’t very interesting outside her relationship with Amy and Felix isn’t interesting full stop, but I am absolutely down for another unfathomably boring Karma relationship if it keeps the last tiny shred of hope for Amy vaguely alive.
P.S. insert some paean to the towering monolith of Shane’s awfulness here
YES YES YES just keep Felix away from Amy pls
Also ‘Karma isn’t very interesting outside her relationship with Amy and Felix isn’t interesting full stop’ made me cackle at my desk
I love your recaps!
Boy, they really went to town using virtually every TV trope in existence for this episode, huh?
As much as I love Amy and Lauren, and your recaps, I’ve decided that the writers of this show are in fact just bad and need to be stopped.
It seems pretty obvious to me that Amy is only interested in Felix when Karma or Sabrina aren’t options. Like, she might have some feelings for him, but he’s never her first choice.
I hope that Amy and Sabrina get back together (at this point, I just appreciate that Sabrina actually, genuinely likes Amy, despite her duplicitous start) and that Karma and Felix get together (not because I care about their relationship, but because then Karma will stop trying to shove him at Amy every five minutes).
Also Felix is much better than Liam
The only reason I keep watching this show is for these amazing recaps! The captions with Liam had me loling
At least Shane did keep Noah’s secret, though I was surprised no one guessed after all his thinly veiled questions.
Characters on sitcoms are often insultingly dumb, though. I guess so that the ridiculous misunderstandings as plot devices work? (MODERN FAMILY, I AM LOOKING @ YOU.)
Like if we were on the show we’d be like, ‘Shane, your genitalia metaphors are basically as subtle as a brick’ vs *puzzled faces* *literal answer to metaphorical candy question*
wait, so i haven’t seen this episode yet, or the last one, but did noah say he wanted to have PIV sex? bc like, there are other ways gay guys have sex. Is Shane assuming they wouldn’t just do anal like he’s probably done with other guys? But like I said, i haven’t seen the episode.
also, i just want lauren to be gay and happy
No, PIV was never specifically addressed. It just seems like Shane is just nervous about having sex with someone who has a vagina for the first time as an out gay man.
Also, I too wish that Lauren liked girls (and was happy)
the caption on the photo of the new Lisbeths had me laughing so hard my dog left to hide in the other room.
“Java the Jamhouse Hey Jude Don’t Be A Steamed Milk You Were Made To Go Out and Mooooo-cha”
Things like this is why I’m a gold member here. I ♡ you so hard, Riese.
I LOVE YOU TOO PAPES
want you to know this came from a true event where i ordered a mocha and he gave me a steamed milk. A STEAMED MILK.
You’re an inspiration to us all to mine such a tragic circumstance into literary gold.
I laughed hard and long at the Spice Girls caption sequence.
The Breakfast Club Niagara Falls reference made my day, but really this whole recap is gold.
thank you for catching it!
This whole New Lisbeth situation is how I imagine Kara finding a new assistant for Cat is going to go