Welcome to the second recap of the third season of Faking It, a show about people who always order a savory breakfast item along with a sweet breakfast item, from the same network that brought you Rod Drydeck’s Fantasy Factory. 

We open in the resplendent parking lot of Hester Hippie High School for Hash and The Humans Who Smoke It, where Intern Baked Zita is dropping Liam off for his first day of school… but not without a little exposition first!

You let Karma give you an enema but you won’t even do a juice cleanse with me?

Well the good news is that my butthole has never felt cleaner

Here’s the scoop for the 2-3 people who give a shit: Liam crashed with Zita all summer, Zita thinks Liam should go to private school and/or the Maldives, Liam gives Zita multiple “pleasures,” Liam’s taking Bar Mitzvah classes to feel closer to his Dead Dad.

It’s a brand new year at Hester How High School, and everything’s gonna be extra sustainable, like the children will grow arugula in their bellybuttons and adopt baby harp seals and then release them into the wild or whatever.

She put one finger in my front-hole and one in the backhole…

And she shook me ALL NIGHT LONG!

Also, Lauren and Amy are glued at the hip.

Seriously? A CROSSBOW BOLT IN THE EYE?

Karma walks into the cafeteria wearing a failed art project from Spartacus 101 and Amy spots her sad demeanor cross-caf and blames herself for it. Lauren thinks Amy should leak “that tape” of Karma, thus ensuring Karma will flee Hester in favor of home-schooling. What tape, you may ask? Probably a Hulk Hogan Sex Tape, but I’m sure time will tell. Also, Lauren reminds Amy that she owes Karma zero apologies.

Elsewhere in this small room, Karma’s stupid boyfriend has noticed that Karma’s exuding “intense energy” and no longer feels like the “chill girl” he met that summer. Ugh, Danny Zuko dealt with this same exact problem!

Just because Dannielle said all lesbians on TV have a side-part doesn’t mean that just because I have a side-part, I must be a lesbian

Yes it does.

Much to nobody’s surprise, Karma lies to Dylan and tells him everything is “all good.” Meanwhile, it seems Liam has rescued some palettes from the Kroger parking lot, smeared some paint all over them, and attached them to the wall. Karma is impressed!

Karma: Liam Brooker, what can’t you do with a paintbrush?
Liam: Bring my dead Dad back to life.

Okay, somebody’s being a total Deb, and Laneia should probably give him the speech she gave me about how it makes people uncomfortable when I make jokes about my dead Dad and I need to stop. I mean, Liam isn’t joking. But he should be, ’cause it works much better as a joke! Just saying. LAUGH THROUGH THE PAIN, GRASSHOPPERS.

Look, Liam, I saw this project on our shared pinterest board too, and I can tell you really tried to make it look picture-perfect —

Turned out pretty awesome, huh?

No.

Liam accidentally butt-dials Zita as he’s mooning to Karma about his Bar Mitzvah classes and Karma’s mooning about how Judaism is her fave religion of all the pan-spiritual religions she has worshipped/studied at the Old Country Buffet of Demi-Gods and Liam’s just so happy to talk to somebody who “gets it”!  This statement makes Zita want to barf. But also… she’s like sitting in a lawn chair in the Maldives or something so whatever, if she barfs I’m sure a dolphin will eat it.

Oh COME ON is he really gonna pretend like that art project looks exactly like it did on Pinterest?

Intern Baked Zita, despite the stains and spills implied by her name, is hosting a white party this weekend! Lauren wants to go, ’cause there’s gonna be tigers.

Well, this is a very INTERESTING picture of a bunch of women attacking a man with an axe, but I still think it needs some work. 

Shane really wants Amy and Karma to rekindle their friendship and watch the premiere of Dance Moms together so he won’t have another awkard moment in the cafeteria where he can’t decide if he wants to sit with Karma, Amy, or one of the five extras hired to fill out the scene. Sometimes the extras are really hot, and these decisions can be very hard to make.

Just because YOU’VE never used a potato as a sex toy doesn’t mean it CAN’T BE DONE, Shane.

What will Shane do to meet his goal of getting Karmy and Amy back together (as friends)??? He’ll lie, of course! While Karma is giving him a haphazard holistic Hester High foot rub, Shane waxes poetic about Amy’s deep desire to apologize and for them to make up at Zita’s White Party. Also if you’re drinking along at home, Karma  somehow manages to work Amy sleeping with Liam back into the conversation again.

I can’t believe you’re not letting me suck even just ONE TOE.

Amy, initially hesitant to attend a party dedicated to clothes that do not hold up when spilled upon, is eager to let loose and shake her caboose as soon as she learns, via Shane’s lying lies and the liar who tells them, that Karma’s gonna be there and wants to apologize.

Cut to: The White Party!

Oh whoops, WRONG WHITE PARTY! That’s from a white party that had actual lesbian action at it. Here’s our snoozefest hetero white party:

Good effort with the dancing, white people

(“i’m just assuming you’re going to want a few screencaps from the L Word white party episode, so i’m downloading that right now” – Grace, in the email containing the Faking It screencaps for this episode)

Due to Shane’s manipulation and Lauren’s commitment to living her Best Life on Instagram, brand-new Bosom Buddies Lauren and Amy have come to the white party, which Amy notes is “a lot less racist” than she expected.

Now EVERYBODY will know the truth that OUR HAIR HAS PARTNER-BONDED and therefore we’re going to be TOGETHER FOREVER. 

Dylan is really loving this party and its cool vibe, but Karma’s too obsessed with casting gentle glances in Amy’s direction to care about Dylan’s cool vibes. But before we can talk too much about Dylan reminding me of that guy Ian who lived above John Cusack in High Fidelity, Zita grabs the mike to announce that this white party isn’t just a marketing opportunity for Tide To-Go pens… it’s also LIAM BOOKER’S SURPRISE BAR MITZVAH WHITE PARTY!

SORRY WRONG WHITE PARTY AGAIN. It’s Liam Booker’s Surprise Bar Mitzvah White Party!

I’m here to announce that King Mufasa’s on his way. So you’d better have a good excuse for missing the ceremony this morning!

Dammit.

Fuckkkkk

The thing is though… you can’t actually have a “surprise Bar Mitzvah”? That’s like having a surprise beauty pageant, it’s not like everybody showed up with evening-wear, tap shoes and a baton. You know who has “Surprise Bar/Bat Mitzvahs”? 12-year-old Jews with upcoming Bar/Bat Mitzvahs, in their NIGHTMARES.

Anyhow, Zita just wants Liam to know that she “gets it,” which’s why she’s totally disregarded the possibility of a Torah Portion in favor of plates piled high with gelt (a chocolate candy generally used only at Hanukkah by Dreidel-playing kids) and yamachas for the whole family!

Well I guess I’ll take some of these while I wait for the plates of cocaine to come by

But the real action at this white party is happening between Amy and Karma, who keep catching each other’s eyes across the semi-crowded room, yearning to reach out and reconcile, eagerly awaiting the other’s imminent surrender. At last, the two ladies find each other and stand, face-to-face in white.

Well, do you have it?? Do you have the Elder Wand?

About that…

Gums and teeth-plates blazing, the two label-free ladies say “So” back and forth to each other for about 45 seconds before realizing they’ve been set up. That’s like four episodes earlier than Aria Montgomery has ever noticed that she’s being set up, so good job ladies! Karma tells Shane it’s pointless, they’re never ever ever getting back together. Shane calls her bluff, though: IF THEY’RE NEVER GETTING BACK TOGETHER, THEN WHY DOES KARMA HAVE AMY’S EPI-PEN IN HER PURSE, HUH???

Karma: Like she’s the only one here with a severe nut allergy.

You better check yourself before you WRECK yourself

Meanwhile the guests are slipping cash to Liam McGooglemoney and offering him bacon-wrapped scallops while he grows increasingly frustrated with Intern Baked Zita’s misguided attempt to prove she “gets it” by playing techno remixes of Hava Nagila, hanging a neon Star of David and also paying somebody to make this happen:

….

Liam: You realize this isn’t an actual Bar Mitzvah, right?
Zita: Sure it is! I grew up in Scarsdale, I went to tons of them. And all my friends wished they could skip the boring Hebrew classes and get to the fun part, and you get to!
Liam: The “boring part” is why I’m doing this. I want to connect to my Dad and to my heritage. How can you say you “get it’ if you don’t “get that”?

Bla bla bla heterosexual relationship. Okay, moving on: Shane’s next big idea is to poison Amy with a nut-donut so that Karma will have to rescue her. Luckily for Amy, Lauren’s got her eyeballs right there on her head and her brain right there under that hair and she does not let those tiny nut morsels crawl through Amy’s lips.

YOU shot the sheriff?

It’s not like I shot the deputy!

Amy excuses herself to rid her nubile gay hands of nut dust and betrayal, while Lauren and Shane bicker over Shane’s investment in not having to pick between Karma and Amy and Lauren’s seeming investment in being Amy’s new #1 Gal. Yup, that’s right: Lauren’s heart has softened like butter in the microwave for this new thing she’s experiencing with Amy called “sisterhood” and “friendship.” She insists she’s just not a fan of seeing Amy get her heart trampled all over by somebody with such a mediocre personality. Anyhow, there’s a hella long line for the ladies so Amy pulls an Indigo Girls concert and slips into the men’s.

Get out of my way I don’t believe in the gender binary and I’m busy

Guess who else is in there warming the porcelain?

HAHAHAAHA NOPE.

Please tell me you didn’t hear that

That’s right, it’s Karma Ashcroft. Amy jokes that this party is “all Bar and no Mitzvah,” which’s the joke Karma tried to make earlier to Dylan but he didn’t think it was funny. JUST SCISSOR ALREADY, GENTILES!

EEEE I can tell she’s about to give me a present and it’s gonna be a Metro-North pass!

So they’re in the bathroom feeling awkward in their white dresses, not making out or making up, but you can tell that they want to. I wonder how many times we’ll go through this plot before we get to the plot where Karma admits she’s bisexual and wants to buff Amy’s muffin.

I have intense sexual feelings towards you

Yeah, duh

Out on the dance floor, Liam tries venting to Karma about this strange party and how off-the-mark Zita was to plan it. But Karma’s so swept up in emotions after staring longingly in the mirror towards Amy staring longingly at her in the mirror that she actually tells Liam that he shouldn’t be annoyed with Zita. Why not? Well, Karma explains, because fighting only pushes you apart and it’s better to be together than apart. So basically, she defined “fighting.” He agrees with her definition, feels like an idiot, and goes to apologize to Intern Baked Zita.

Barchu et Adonai hamvorach

Baruch Adonai ham-vo-rach l’olam va-ed.

Baruch atta Aedonai, eloheinu melech ha-olam, asher ba-char-banu mee-kol ha-a-mim, v’natan lanu et torato. Baruch atta Adonai, notein hatorah.

AMEN.

Giving this “advice” to Liam enables Karma to realize that she’s ready to put all this Amy shit behind her and make up. “I don’t wanna keep fighting,” she tells Shane. “I just want her friendship back.”

Are you SURE I don’t have any noodle kugel in my teeth?

I’m sure! Now you check me.

Liam heads over to Sbarro to find his dearest Intern Baked Zita, and he finds her! She tells him that even though she realizes now that this is not the kind of Bar Mitzvah G-d would like Liam to have, that everybody’s still expecting him to sit on a chair and be lifted towards the sky and jostled around. Pretty sure that’s a Jewish Wedding thing, not a Bar Mitzvah thing, but obviously they didn’t consult with any Jewish lesbians for this scene. They could’ve called my Mom! Not my Dad. He’s dead. Just kidding. Not about my Dad being dead, because he is, but about him being Jewish. He was Quaker. Like the oatmeal!

Hey okay whoa you don’t need to do all this I’ll get out of the chair! I’ll get out of the chair so the pregnant lady can sit down! It’s fine I’m sorry for making it a thing

Liam tells Intern Baked Zita that “a friend” helped him realize he was focusing on everything she was doing wrong instead of what she was doing right. Zita should just accept his apology but instead Zita’s like, A FRIEND? WHO IS THIS FRIEND? So we all know where this is gonna go.

Meanwhile, Amy’s high on life / Karma’s sex vibes.

Amy: What are the chances that we’d both go into the mens restroom at the same time? The universe is telling us to make up!
Lauren: No, the universe is telling you to stop using the men’s restroom.

We have had sex twice already this week! I think that’s plenty, considering how busy we both are with school!

I’m not wearing underwear.

Fine, we’ll make it three.

Lauren straight up now tells Amy that Karma plays with her heart like a Dyke Rubber Duck in a bubble bath, and even though Lauren’s insistence that Karma’s not worth Amy’s while is partially motivated by Lauren kinda wanting to keep Amy to herself, she’s also right. Karma allegedly doesn’t wanna be with Amy… but she doesn’t want Amy to be with anybody else, either. Also, Karma is STILL HUNG UP ON DRUNK HEARTBROKEN AMY AND LIAM HOOKING UP. But, if there was any hesitation in Amy’s heart, it flies right out the window into the sky when their song, “Straight Up,” starts playing. Amy thinks it’s fate, and I agree. I think when Karma asked the DJ to play “Straight Up,” the DJ was fated to play “Straight Up.”

I KNEW IT. I KNEW Kristen Stewart and Soko were dating!!!!

Karma, lost in the white woods searching for Amy, stops by Liam/Zita to ask if they’ve perchance spotted Amy wandering in their vicinity.

JUST BECAUSE THAT BITCH IS WEARING A TOP WITH THE SHOULDERS CUT OUT AND KNOWS ALL THE LYRICS TO PAT-A-CAKE DOESN’T MEAN SHE’S A BETTER DANCER THAN ME!

Unfortunately, she’s interrupted a fight at a very crucial moment: Zita was yelling about how she flew him to Jerusalem but none of that matters ’cause Karma “gets him” and how maybe he’s only with her because he can’t be with Karma! So when Karma shows up, Zita grabs Karma’s face and kisses her?

You think just ’cause I never hooked up with Emily Fields when all three of us were on Pretty Little Liars together that I’m afraid to kiss girls? Is that what you think!?!!

mmmmshsmmm

Why do gay people always have to rub their gayness in our face??!!

I mean we know what happens next, right? This is television, so when somebody is kissed against their will by another person, the specific person who will misinterpret the meaning of said kiss and take action based on that misinterpretation will see it happen, and then not see the part immediately afterwards where the kiss-attack recipient is like “no thanks!” You know, this part:

I’m not touching your boobs so why the hell are you trying to touch mine, huh?

“Jealous?” asks Zita, releasing herself from her Karmic liplock. She tells Karma that she can have Liam all to herself if she wants and then flees the scene.

Amy storms out, telling Lauren it’s time to leak the video. I hope the video has a cute puppy in it!

Oh good news though — DYLAN LOVES THIS SONG!

Next week on Faking It, we’ll finally get to see that mysterious video, and Karma will avenge its release:

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