Welcome to the second recap of the third season of Faking It, a show about people who always order a savory breakfast item along with a sweet breakfast item, from the same network that brought you Rod Drydeck’s Fantasy Factory.
We open in the resplendent parking lot of Hester Hippie High School for Hash and The Humans Who Smoke It, where Intern Baked Zita is dropping Liam off for his first day of school… but not without a little exposition first!
You let Karma give you an enema but you won’t even do a juice cleanse with me?
Well the good news is that my butthole has never felt cleaner
Here’s the scoop for the 2-3 people who give a shit: Liam crashed with Zita all summer, Zita thinks Liam should go to private school and/or the Maldives, Liam gives Zita multiple “pleasures,” Liam’s taking Bar Mitzvah classes to feel closer to his Dead Dad.
It’s a brand new year at Hester How High School, and everything’s gonna be extra sustainable, like the children will grow arugula in their bellybuttons and adopt baby harp seals and then release them into the wild or whatever.
She put one finger in my front-hole and one in the backhole…
And she shook me ALL NIGHT LONG!
Also, Lauren and Amy are glued at the hip.
Seriously? A CROSSBOW BOLT IN THE EYE?
Karma walks into the cafeteria wearing a failed art project from Spartacus 101 and Amy spots her sad demeanor cross-caf and blames herself for it. Lauren thinks Amy should leak “that tape” of Karma, thus ensuring Karma will flee Hester in favor of home-schooling. What tape, you may ask? Probably a Hulk Hogan Sex Tape, but I’m sure time will tell. Also, Lauren reminds Amy that she owes Karma zero apologies.
Elsewhere in this small room, Karma’s stupid boyfriend has noticed that Karma’s exuding “intense energy” and no longer feels like the “chill girl” he met that summer. Ugh, Danny Zuko dealt with this same exact problem!
Just because Dannielle said all lesbians on TV have a side-part doesn’t mean that just because I have a side-part, I must be a lesbian
Yes it does.
Much to nobody’s surprise, Karma lies to Dylan and tells him everything is “all good.” Meanwhile, it seems Liam has rescued some palettes from the Kroger parking lot, smeared some paint all over them, and attached them to the wall. Karma is impressed!
Karma: Liam Brooker, what can’t you do with a paintbrush?
Liam: Bring my dead Dad back to life.
Okay, somebody’s being a total Deb, and Laneia should probably give him the speech she gave me about how it makes people uncomfortable when I make jokes about my dead Dad and I need to stop. I mean, Liam isn’t joking. But he should be, ’cause it works much better as a joke! Just saying. LAUGH THROUGH THE PAIN, GRASSHOPPERS.
Look, Liam, I saw this project on our shared pinterest board too, and I can tell you really tried to make it look picture-perfect —
Turned out pretty awesome, huh?
No.
Liam accidentally butt-dials Zita as he’s mooning to Karma about his Bar Mitzvah classes and Karma’s mooning about how Judaism is her fave religion of all the pan-spiritual religions she has worshipped/studied at the Old Country Buffet of Demi-Gods and Liam’s just so happy to talk to somebody who “gets it”! This statement makes Zita want to barf. But also… she’s like sitting in a lawn chair in the Maldives or something so whatever, if she barfs I’m sure a dolphin will eat it.
Oh COME ON is he really gonna pretend like that art project looks exactly like it did on Pinterest?
Intern Baked Zita, despite the stains and spills implied by her name, is hosting a white party this weekend! Lauren wants to go, ’cause there’s gonna be tigers.
Well, this is a very INTERESTING picture of a bunch of women attacking a man with an axe, but I still think it needs some work.
Shane really wants Amy and Karma to rekindle their friendship and watch the premiere of Dance Moms together so he won’t have another awkard moment in the cafeteria where he can’t decide if he wants to sit with Karma, Amy, or one of the five extras hired to fill out the scene. Sometimes the extras are really hot, and these decisions can be very hard to make.
Just because YOU’VE never used a potato as a sex toy doesn’t mean it CAN’T BE DONE, Shane.
What will Shane do to meet his goal of getting Karmy and Amy back together (as friends)??? He’ll lie, of course! While Karma is giving him a haphazard holistic Hester High foot rub, Shane waxes poetic about Amy’s deep desire to apologize and for them to make up at Zita’s White Party. Also if you’re drinking along at home, Karma somehow manages to work Amy sleeping with Liam back into the conversation again.
I can’t believe you’re not letting me suck even just ONE TOE.
Amy, initially hesitant to attend a party dedicated to clothes that do not hold up when spilled upon, is eager to let loose and shake her caboose as soon as she learns, via Shane’s lying lies and the liar who tells them, that Karma’s gonna be there and wants to apologize.
Cut to: The White Party!
Oh whoops, WRONG WHITE PARTY! That’s from a white party that had actual lesbian action at it. Here’s our snoozefest hetero white party:
Good effort with the dancing, white people
(“i’m just assuming you’re going to want a few screencaps from the L Word white party episode, so i’m downloading that right now” – Grace, in the email containing the Faking It screencaps for this episode)
Due to Shane’s manipulation and Lauren’s commitment to living her Best Life on Instagram, brand-new Bosom Buddies Lauren and Amy have come to the white party, which Amy notes is “a lot less racist” than she expected.
Now EVERYBODY will know the truth that OUR HAIR HAS PARTNER-BONDED and therefore we’re going to be TOGETHER FOREVER.
Dylan is really loving this party and its cool vibe, but Karma’s too obsessed with casting gentle glances in Amy’s direction to care about Dylan’s cool vibes. But before we can talk too much about Dylan reminding me of that guy Ian who lived above John Cusack in High Fidelity, Zita grabs the mike to announce that this white party isn’t just a marketing opportunity for Tide To-Go pens… it’s also LIAM BOOKER’S SURPRISE BAR MITZVAH WHITE PARTY!
SORRY WRONG WHITE PARTY AGAIN. It’s Liam Booker’s Surprise Bar Mitzvah White Party!
I’m here to announce that King Mufasa’s on his way. So you’d better have a good excuse for missing the ceremony this morning!
Dammit.
Fuckkkkk
The thing is though… you can’t actually have a “surprise Bar Mitzvah”? That’s like having a surprise beauty pageant, it’s not like everybody showed up with evening-wear, tap shoes and a baton. You know who has “Surprise Bar/Bat Mitzvahs”? 12-year-old Jews with upcoming Bar/Bat Mitzvahs, in their NIGHTMARES.
Anyhow, Zita just wants Liam to know that she “gets it,” which’s why she’s totally disregarded the possibility of a Torah Portion in favor of plates piled high with gelt (a chocolate candy generally used only at Hanukkah by Dreidel-playing kids) and yamachas for the whole family!
Well I guess I’ll take some of these while I wait for the plates of cocaine to come by
But the real action at this white party is happening between Amy and Karma, who keep catching each other’s eyes across the semi-crowded room, yearning to reach out and reconcile, eagerly awaiting the other’s imminent surrender. At last, the two ladies find each other and stand, face-to-face in white.
Well, do you have it?? Do you have the Elder Wand?
About that…
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“Now EVERYBODY will know the truth that OUR HAIR HAS PARTNER-BONDED and therefore we’re going to be TOGETHER FOREVER.”
I laughed so hard at this one
Oh man, I love Amy and Lauren as characters which makes me feel like I’m bring sucked back into a TV show that will be awful but I won’t care because they have snappy zingers. Sigh.
Also, I don’t think I’ll ever get over Faberry, so thanks for the shout-out, Riese!
that was 4 u papes, the faberry is aways 4 u
<3 <3 <3
OH MY GOD I can’t believe I missed the Faberry, I just went back and scanned every word to find it
METRO PASS
:( :( :(
“Liam accidentally butt-dials Zita as he’s mooning to Karma about his Bar Mitzvah classes and Karma’s mooning about how Judaism is her fave religion of all the pan-spiritual religions she has worshipped/studied at the Old Country Buffet of Demi-Gods and Liam’s just so happy to talk to somebody who “gets it”! This statement makes Zita want to barf. But also… she’s like sitting in a lawn chair in the Maldives or something so whatever, if she barfs I’m sure a dolphin will eat it.”
I laughed so hard I might actually be dead.
But really, this recap was brutally hilarious and seemed to have an extra side of salt to it.
So either I am interpreting everything through the lens of “still pissed off about Lexa”, or everyone else is also interpreting everything through the lens of “still pissed off about Lexa.”
Either way, I got baggage. And it made the intense snark that much more enjoyable.
I AM SO GLAD THAT YOU LAUGHED
I love your recaps so very much, but since they come out usually a few hours after the *other* site’s, and I have you both on my Facebook, I usually read theirs first. Having said that THANK YOU SO MUCH for not having terrible pop-ups that navigate me away from every article and force me to hit the back button a hundred times to get back to the page I was trying to read, only to have it happen again 30 seconds later. I guess it’s a phone thing, but it only happens on AE, and only since about 2 weeks ago, and it makes me love y’all all the more. They’re really having a banner month, huh?
recently both of our sites were part of the same ad pitch and the advertiser was super excited about them being able to offer “high-engagement units” in their posts (like the mid-post video ad) and on their site and *very* bummed that we could not do the same and i think they are going to make like a billion times more from that advertiser than we are, so on that note i would like to thank you for being an A+ member!
And on that note, I disabled my Adblock Plus on Autostraddle.
Same. Autostraddle is the only site that I’ve disabled my Adblock because I want my friends to feed themselves and pay rent.
Absolutely! This site changed my life, no lie, and if I could give you all my money I would!
Best part of this episode was definitely when Shane called baklava a “nut donut.”
I can’t figure out if the Judaism plotline is super offensive, or if I just find it offensive because I hate every word that comes out of Liam’s mouth. Like, if it were Amy trying to connect with her dead father through his religion, would I hate this plotline so much? Actually, yeah, I think I would.
Don’t get me wrong, more Jews on television, always a good thing. But why why why does it have to be the rich, white straight dude who is Jewish? Don’t we have enough of those!? And if the rich, white straight dude is going to be Jewish, please consult The O.C. for how to do that properly.
Well, Jarvis’ wife, Ana, is Jewish in “Agent Carter”. In fact, Jarvis got in a lot of trouble for forging documents to get her out of Europe ahead of the Nazis.
Grace knows what the people want ❤
OMG reading the photo captions I suddenly realized, their parents divorced! It’s ok to ship Laurmy.
How interesting that Karmy’s song is called “Straight Up” when clearly they are anything but
solid point
I’m hoping that the arc of this season brings us to queer Lauren. I think it would be a great storyline for her, because she’s always tried so hard to be straight and feminine! And then the awkward love story could be her having a crush on Amy.