The gang takes to the hallway to pull off this great caper, treading lightly while vaguely summoning the ghosts of Breakfast Clubs’ past, only to come upon Turner debating which delicious vending machine snack he plans to splurge on this afternoon.
Be very very quiet and you won’t wake the Giant
Amy suggests pulling the fire alarm — which’s when we all learn the real reason Lauren’s in detention and wearing black gloves: she tried to avoid getting caught in the throes of passion with Theo by pulling the fire alarm, thus getting permanent ink all over her warm soft hands.
NINE WEEKS. The tampon had been rotting inside her for NINE WEEKS.
Luckily, Felix has this on lock — he’ll distract his Dad because, yeah, Turner is his Dad. The kids are shocked to hear this, but agree that whatever happens in detention, stays in detention. It’s basically Vegas without the buffets or the topless women. The kids skedaddle while Felix shuffles off to ask his Dad why men have nipples. Ah, family.
After what I imagine was a commercial break, we return to find Felix deterring his father from returning to the detention room with further inquiries on masturbation and whether or not oral sex is “really sex.”
Naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm, and a two foot salami under the other. The bartender says “I guess you won’t be needing a drink.” Naked lady says —
WHOA —
Meanwhile, the Scooby Gang zips off in Theo’s cop car!
You guys wanna see me take this sucker for a wheelie?
Amy apologizes for revealing Karma’s big payoff and Karma apologizes for being way harsh about Amy’s Dad Hank, she’s just sick of seeing him play with Amy’s heart.
Guys I think I accidentally took two Unisom
Finally we arrive at Duke’s and Shane runs out of the car, catching Duke just in time! Amy runs out of the car, just in time to throw up on the sidewalk!
Amy stop freaking out, Asshole Behavior isn’t contagious and even if it was, Liam’s all the way in the front seat!
So then Lauren runs out of the car because who wants to be in a car with Liam and Karma. Amy tells Lauren it’s okay if she wants to tell Daddy, but Lauren says she won’t — she’d have to take down her whole Theo collage and lose her cool lesbian stepsister, Amy. Back in the car, Liam and Karma talk about Shane and Duke but they’re really talking about themselves. Karma hands Liam the check because she’s a moron. I mean, yes: taking a payoff to end a relationship is completely bonkers. But also: her family could really use the money!!
Karma: I wish I didn’t have to think about this.
Liam: I wish I hadn’t given you a reason to.
I don’t make the rules, Uber does. Pay up or get out of the car.
Here. It’s a check. It’s twice the size of a regular check.
Meanwhile, Shane’s apologizing SO HARD to Duke, who continues displaying the same approximate range of facial expressions he’s offered thus far on Faking It, but forgiveness isn’t one of them — although he does thank Shane for finally admitting he was wrong. Shane’s just barely gotten his head out of his own asshole when he realizes that apologizing wasn’t a magic trick that’d make a plane ticket and training plans vanish into thin air.
Duke: I said I accepted your apology. I didn’t say I forgive you.
Shane: Stay, please!
[dramatic pause]
Duke: I can’t.
I’m 25 and you’re 16, dude. It’s creepy.
But I have a very old soul…
The gang manages to make it back to school unscathed, and detention reaches its timely end. They trudge out onto the yard, armed with new information about who everybody else is and misplaced ideas about what to do next.
Dear Mr. Turner, we accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a small portion of a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was we did wrong. But we think you’re crazy to make us write an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us — in the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is a maybe-lesbian, and a chronic liar, and a princess, and your son, and a bad artist, and the gay guy from GBF. Does that answer your question? Sincerely yours, The Breakfast Club.
“Don’t You (Forget About Me)” plays, of course, as they reassure each other once more that whatever happens in detention, stays in detention, including the off-camera scene I made up where Amy dumps her crush on Karma for a relationship with Claire.
You can call me Princess
Karma tells Amy she’s okay, she’s ready to turn over a new leaf and get a new haircut, which hopefully will be of the “alternative lifestyle” variety but most likely will never happen. Amy hops into Hank’s sweet ride for a Father/Daughter Day — well, a Father/Daughter afternoon, ’cause Hank’s gotta fly out to Moscow that evening. Apparently, Amy’s not into Hank having a job like this ’cause he just flies in and out of her life, like Nelly Furtado!
Amy: If you want to be my Dad, you have to be my Dad, and not just in between assignments.
Eh, I don’t know, I think even with a new haircut I’d still get you mixed up with Bradley Cooper
I knew it.
So Hank calls Putin and puts an end to the whole situation. Just kidding he calls Amanda, his assistant, and says she’s gotta find somebody else! Hank wants to spend time with his daughter! GOOD LUCK, AMANDA!
Back at SkwerkleyTerkle, Liam’s gotten back into art again! This week’s project is called I QUIT. It’s a mixed-media installation involving multiple colors of post-it notes that lead to a $250,000 check upon which Liam has written FUCK YOU.
Damn, I’ve really got to move that bus stop to a more convenient location
Shane’s sitting at home looking at pictures of Duke on his phone when Liam shows up with grilled cheese ’cause he needs a place to crash. This’ll be fun!
One sec, trying to see if I’ve got any chance of besting Riese’s psuedonymed QuizUp account at LGBT History
I brought poppers!
Well then I don’t mind if I do
Back at the Aschroft-Turners, Karma’s invited herself back into her old room to cry ’cause her parents are smothering her with love and psychobabble now that she’s informed them of her recent breakup with Mr. Fancypants.
Oh hey uh, this is awkward but that’s kinda my bed and I think you’re wearing my shirt?
It looks kinda sexy though, right?
Felix is chill, though, and agrees to sleep on the couch, because of course he does, because of course they keep casting men in the lesbian roles, just like they did with Oliver! Felix is a sensitive doormat who loves comics and respects women. C’mon, show! Surely there’s another fresh-faced teenage girl you could’ve used to play the part of Felix. Anyhow, Felix lets Karma cry on his shoulder, and even gives her “moving on” advice based on how he coped with the death of his mother (“there’s no magic bullet, you just do it”), as if breaking up with Liam compared to losing a parent on any planet in any solar system anywhere. And the lights fade on this resplendent Saturday Night in which nobody has a fever and nothing’s quite alright. But you know what? We did get some quality character development this episode, and that’s something, even if there was no girl-on-girl action.
Next week on “Faking It,” Karma and Amy will have to pretend to be lesbians again! I’m sure that’ll work out really well for everybody.
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Yesss! I knew there was a really solid reason I was wasting time on the Internet. I love these recaps.
One question: “Amy’s trying to convince Lauren that Farrah says her affair with Bruce was meaningless”–should that be Hank, not Bruce? Don’t actually watch the show, so don’t know.
Also, will now be trying the LGBT History quiz :-D
Good catch!
Your recaps > the actual show
thank you!
Dammit Riese stop putting these out before I even finish an episode! I swear your some kind of sorcerer.
*you’re (shut up, it’s late.)
– I’m glad that you called out that point where Liam is equating his 2-3 month relationship with Karma to Amy’s lifelong BFF status with Karma. That pissed me off so much when I saw that.
– I’m also glad that Karma calls out Liam’s, “Oh, I’m a suffering artist, and I hate the gads of money that my family showers me with. It’s so terrible.”
I know this is the Faking It recap, and not the Empire recap, but THIIIIIIIIS:
“How can any of us live in a world where Jamal is the villain? How?”
Anyway, about the actual show we’re discussing here – That all seemed really easy. What is going to happen now that no one has any more secrets? Oh that’s right, they’ll start reusing secrets from all the way back in the pilot. Maybe Karma will actually become a lesbian this time!?
more secrets, i think. i think they feed on drama and need it to survive, apparently
I haven’t finished reading the recap, but I needed to tell you (Riese) the set up to the Reddit caption was so on point and laugh or cry funny I head my head on the table.
It’s almost a direct quote of the sort of shit my man siblings say.
!!!! i actually copy/pasted it directly from an MRA reddit! i really wanted it to feel AUTHENTIC, you know?
That is fantastic xD
One of my sibs is redditor too.
I was heretofore mildly tolerant of Liam, but using the check that could have made the girl he is hypothetically in Love with life’s so much easier to send a F U note to his father: Just no.
Yes, if Karma would have gotten the check to never see Amy again, she wouldn’t have taken it.
But Amy would have told her to…and probably come up with some BS plan so Karma would end her friendship with her and take the check.
That said, who else danced the snoopy dance when Liam and Karma broke up?
I know, I also had been softening SLIGHTLY towards Liam throughout the season, but this episode any chances of me ever liking him totally evaporated. “That’s completely besides the point”??? No bro, that is EXACTLY THE POINT.
oh god, amy is probably pregnant. there’s no other reason the storyline would have her randomly throw up. NOOOOOOOOOO.
I don’t think it mentions it in the recap, but it does say in the show that she was carsick :)
not buying that… well i hope you’re right.
Oh yeah, she was carsick! That’s why she had to throw up. She’s definitely not pregnant.
too bad, Amy and Reagan would have made a cute baby. then Amy could’ve starred in a spin-off where she played the lesbian Lorelei Gilmore.
ahahahahaah i didnt notice that! when did she do that??
I’m really grateful for these recaps bc they’re hilarious (the screen caps, oh my!), but mostly because I don’t have time for faking it right now, and these recaps are keeping me update to date on the action. Thanks Riese!
You’re so very welcome!
Victorious did a Breakfast Club episode once and honestly I liked that better.
Here’s an idea. Why doesn’t this show just put Karma and Felix together. They have had more interaction and their is a bit of chemistry there. And yet, I have a feeling Carter Covington is going to shit in my cereal anyway.
On a positive note, Lauren is still the light of my life. And Amy’s Dad is cute. I know I have seen him somewhere before. I think he might have been on True Blood in one of the earlier seasons.
Yeah, three episodes of True Blood, apparently. Though I remember him more from Eureka, as Nathan Stark. ^^
oh interesting, i thought that maybe i just recognized him ’cause he looked a little bit like bradley cooper.
Thanks for keeping up the recaps! I can’t bring myself to watch another episode just yet, but I enjoy these a lot.
Glad the Duke/Shane ship has sunk. Hopefully with Shane’s change of mindset he can find a boyfriend within high school and actually give them some respect as a person. He still needs to grow a bit more, but he’s making progress.
I so very much want to read this but either this ep. didn’t air in Canada last night or my TV didn’t record it :(
Rises, I’m sure your recap is amazing as always!
Felix: Is oral sex really sex?
Principal Turner: Well son, I think it’s time I’ve showed you Autostraddle’s Is It Sex chart…
Lauren’s like a lizard. She needs something warm beneath her or she can’t digest her food.
“as if breaking up with Liam compared to losing a parent on any planet in any solar system anywhere.” SERIOUSLY, as soon as they said that line I was like OMG what is wrong with you Karma. Granted she’s in high school, and high schoolers are pretty stupid and self absorbed so maybe it’s kinda accurate.
Also I would have totally taken that check because wtf would the Dad do if she continued to hang out with Liam? Unless she signed some contract, which I don’t think would have been enforceable anyway, the check is a gift. I mean, I also would have been fine not hanging out with an ex for that amount of money anyway.
Aw, I miss Oliver.
My favorite Breakfast Club episode of anything is the film Detention, and now I unfairly compare everything to it.
Really disappointed that they didn’t fit the Molly Ringwald lipstick scene in there somewhere.