Welcome to the fourteenth episode of the second season of Faking It, an informational documentary about the dangers of putting Magic Shell in the refrigerator, from the same network that brought you I Want a Famous Face.
We open in the dapper sunlight of an early morn, where Karma and Amy have fallen asleep spooning after Amy’s tragic breakup with Reagan.
SINCE WHEN AM I THE BIG SPOON?
Karma, unnecessarily horrified — as in, she fully considers for a good solid second that maybe they had wild lesbian sex all night, which I s’pose means she considers such a thing possible, which means something, maybe — leaps out of bed in full hair and makeup and quickly re-dresses herself in an outfit far too ambitious for this time of day. They’ve got a couples date with Liam, Shane and Duke! Amy slowly rouses herself and makes a solid case for staying in bed (because bed, y’all) but Karma informs Amy that she can’t just wallow forever! It’s been nearly 45 seconds! Get over it!
Mmmmm…. morning head….
Meanwhile, Theo’s softening Lauren’s icy heart like a stick of butter! They’re in love like butterflies kissing on a leaf. Lauren says that she misses kissing him in public, but they can’t because Theo would lose his job and Lauren would lose her presidency. I know this ’cause Lauren tells Theo, “If anybody found out, you’d lose your job and I’d lose my presidency.” As you know, of course. Also, as you know, Theo’s name isn’t “Theo,” but Lauren likes it so she’s sticking to it.
Ok well, obviously I’m wearing a black t-shirt and a dark grey-jacket and my Bart Simpson undies…
Theo’s left a little note for Lauren on the back porch, so Lauren zooms down to snatch it only to find that Amy the Wild Snatcher’s already got her fingering fingers all over it — and it says “I’m counting the hours until I see you again.” Fortunately or unfortunately, the conclusion Amy subsequently jumps to is not that Lauren’s sneaking around with Theo — it’s that her mother is having an affair!
Saturdays at Sporkle are swinging soirees, and today is no exception: the interns are stapling away like two swans in a pond!
I love a girl who understands that one irrelevant button on her dress isn’t nearly enough
Then Liam’s Dad shows up and Zita steps out just in time for Liam’s Dad to inform Liam that he thinks Zita would make a good life partner for his strapping young son and that Karma’s probably just after his money.
Liam: Karma is awesome!
Mr. Booker: They all seem awesome until they come after your money. That’s what I like about Zita! She’s got piles of her own.
I’ve added “talk to Zita about investing in Autostraddle” to my to-do list.
It’s okay, son. Gender theory is hard, but I’m sure you’ll get the hang of it after a few semesters.
Back at Chez Fawcett, Amy’s Mom is foisting a large platter of processed carbohydrates upon her sweet angels while whistling a happy tune to herself. I know what you’re thinking: she’s finally had sex with a woman! NOPE.
So you’re telling me the bird that was previously sitting on my shoulder is no longer there?
Amy: Is that a new haircut, mother?
Farrah: Why is it too short? Oh, that darn Becky at the salon, so liberal with her scissors… and other things!
Amy doesn’t even catch that Farrah’s hairdresser Becky is a carpet-muncher ’cause she’s far too preoccupied with who might be munching Farrah’s carpet. She tells Lauren that Farrah cheats on every husband with the next one and honestly, Bruce is the best one she’s got so far — and, also, it turns out that “this whole step-sister thing wasn’t so terrible either.” “Same,” Lauren agrees. Aw. See! Friendship is magic!
Oh come on, don’t pretend like you don’t know what scissoring is
Only if you stop pretending that you hate 69
We then take a merry walk through television time/space and arrive at Kurt and Blaine’s favorite hangout: the local neighborhood coffee shop. Shane and Duke are enjoying some generous public displays of affection ’cause they never get to see each other now that Duke’s so busy with appearances.
Oh hey aren’t you the chick who sells smoothies with poison in them?
You want a free sample?
Karma’s enthusiasm for Liam’s arrival is immediately dampened when he shows up with Zita in tow. Unfortch, Duke’s publicist couldn’t snag Shane a spot on the jet plane to see Duke’s first big fight, but never fear, Zita and Her Piles Of Money are here! She insists on flying the whole gang to Los Angeles on her private jet.
Oh my gosh YOU’RE @bakedzitaaaaa? We read your Emison fan-fic out loud to each other before bed!
Ugh no that shit is SO old, where did you even find it?
My Emison days are over. I only write Sparia fic now.
This changes everything
We then skip merrily back to Chez Fawcett, where Amy’s intense archeological dig of the laundry hamper for clues about Farrah’s affair have turned up one very important clue: a motel key card!
That’s right. Somebody’s been using MY Walgreens Rewards card and I’m not stopping ’til I get my 18,000 hard-earned points back.
We then fly luxuriously over to Los Angeles, California, home of sun, stars, relaxing beaches, a lot of mid-day traffic and most of my friends. Shane’s gushing about the gay masseuse Zita’s got on her Private Jet as they pull up to the venue just in time for Duke’s “weigh-in.” But Zita’s got different plans for her afternoon with Karma.
Lemme just say that I happen to have a few friends waiting for us at The Planet…
and one of them just-so-happens to be named Shane McCutcheon!
I’ll catch up with you later.
Zita wants to go shopping on Rodeo to buy new duds for the big fight tonight, her treat. When prodded, Karma insists to Liam that all these diamond rings and fancy things don’t make her feel weird at all! Not even one tiny bit! Nope! Absolutely not.
Liam: Are you okay with all of this? You know… with things back home right now I wouldn’t blame you if you felt uncomfortable.
Karma: The only thing uncomfortable for me was all the turbulence over Arizona. You’re sweet to worry but I’m having a blast!
Fun fact: “all the turbulence over Arizona” is my pet name for Laneia. So, Liam dashes, and Karma and Zita are free to hit the shops like the great gal pals they are.
Back in Texas, Amy and Lauren are fighting over whose parent is doing the cheating — Lauren insists it’s her Dad, and Amy insists it’s her Mom. Everybody wants to have the cheater on their family tree!
Oh my word did you fingerbang Becky the hairdresser while she was on her period?!
Why isn’t Farrah wearing her wedding ring? Is that a new shirt, BRUCE? Oh yeah, it was a gift from Farrah. Why the GIFTS, Farrah? What is this, CHRISTMAS? Is that why everybody is always wearing scarves and sweaters? Does somebody feel GUILTY about DOING SOMETHING NAUGHTY? What’s with all the SUGAR AND SPICE? WHAT’S THE DEAL, Y’ALL?
Look, all I’m saying is that maybe if you stopped dumping cocaine onto all of our food, we could finally get some sleep around here
Well, Farrah knows the deal: Amy’s just lost and delirious ’cause she’s still heartbroken about Reagan!
Farrah: I know what this is about. You’re still hurtin’ from your breakup. And I bet right now you hope that you will never fall in love again. But your soulmate is out there and you’ll find him someday. Or her. Them. Whatever.
Look at Farrah with her gender-neutral pronouns!
We then swim in our teeny tiny bikinis over to resplendent Los Angeles, California, where Duke’s shocked and thrilled to see his boyfriend has made the arduous journey through land and fog to watch him punch another man in the faceplate!
Listen, just come with me, and before you know it, we will be in a world of pure imagination
Joanna The Publicist is thrilled ’cause Mr. Peanut is here and Mr. Peanut’s product launch was the best product launch of all time! What a catch, that Liam Booker! She already pre-ordered her monocle!
Let the armpit-smelling contest commence
Joanna says Shane can duck out if seeing Duke compare his biceps to another man’s biceps makes him uncomfortable, but nope, insists Shane, ’cause “I know who Duke’s going to prom with, and it ain’t that guy.” Joanna is alarmed to learn her client is shagging a high school student and obviously hasn’t seen the Brian/Justin prom scene from Queer as Folk.
Meanwhile on Rodeo Drive, where all the hip cool girls go to shop for fancy belts and broaches to wear to all the killer parties where all the best dudes will be, Karma’s trying not to feel weird about accepting the Gift of Fashion from her new bestie, Intern Zita.
I know I’ve already given you five complements on your glutes today but I cannot keep my eyes off your ass in that dress!
Here in the sanguine safety of the mirrored dressing room, Zita quickly reveals that she knows more about Liam than Karma does and more about Karma than Karma thought she did — like that Karma’s family is having financial troubles and that Liam thought Xander from Buffy was his father! Karma’s obviously ruffled to hear that Liam’s been confiding in Zita during their many hours at the office instead of in her when they’re role-playing in the red room of pain.
Back in the great state of Texas, dinner’s over and now Bruce is heading out to the office ’cause it’s easier to get shit done when nobody’s around! Suspicious, right? But before the girls can finish their plan to follow him wherever he may be going, Farrah foils everything by saying she’s also heading out for the night, on account of a wind sheer emergency at the station. Amy’s not sure that “wind sheer” exists.
Honest to gosh Amy, when a girl on craiglist tells you she wants to go “skiing,” the powder she’s talking about isn’t snow
Unsure of who to follow, they obviously conclude that only one option remains: a stakeout at the No-Tell Motel.
They were out of Junior Mints, okay?
Back at the big fightaroo in Los Angeles, Shane’s super nervous for his main man. Then Zita and Karma show up, and boy does Karma look fantastic in her new outfit!
No, just kidding. The truth is that Karma’s gotten one of those makeovers that happen in movies were they take a pretty girl with wavy hair and flowy outfits and put her in a tight dress and slick back her hair and throw more makeup on her face and declare that she somehow looks notably more beautiful than she did before even though she doesn’t. She was pretty then, she’s pretty now, just with more gel in her hair! I’M NOT FALLING FOR YOUR TRICKS, TEEVEE.
Okay, you were right — it is possible to find a sturdy and reliable strapless bra in my size.
I got to touch Karma’s boobs!
Before Liam can finish stumbling all over himself (but, unfortunately, after he had the opportunity to say the word “wowza!”), Joanna swoops in, simply delighted by the sight of two very rich people standing next to each other. Before anybody can righteously object, she shuffles Liam and Zita onto the red carpet. Liam’s stumbling and wondering where Karma is but Zita’s eating it up.
Wait — was that Pete Wentz?
Joanna tells Karma to step to the side, so Karma stomps off to go wait wherever she damn well pleases, just as Shane returns from a stress lap. This is convenient, ’cause Joanna needs a word with him.
Joanna: You said you’re proud of our Duke’s rising star, right? So you wouldn’t want to spoil that, would you?
Shane: You really like to talk around a thing before you say it, huh?
Joanna: Look — I tell most of my clients not to have a relationship in the open, and if they do, it should be with somebody impressive, like, one of my other clients — no offense.
Shane: Uh, yes, offense? Very much offense. I’m not impressive enough?
Joanna: You’re in high school. It’s bad optics. It makes Duke seem less desirable. You understand?
But I’m a white man in a suit. What’s more impressive than that?
I mean, just riffing here, but uh, me?
Shane very much does NOT understand — and he says Duke won’t either. Joanna says Duke’s already on board, which’s obviously a lie, but it turns out that everybody on this show is just as bad at telling lies as they are at identifying them.
Back at the No-Tell Motel, Lauren is bored and Amy says love is a lie and we’re all going to die alone and they are specifically doomed due to the poor role models for relationships they’ve been provided by their philandering parental units. Lauren, filled to the brim with Theo’s sweet lovin’, says there’s still hope. You gotta give ’em hope.
I mean, I just feel like probably I should go to Reagan’s and check up on her, see how she’s doing, maybe get my red hoodie back, you know? Because like, we left things at a very weird place. And maybe there’s like some unfinished business to finish, you know? Like, yesterday wasn’t the right time for us, but what about tomorrow, right? She hasn’t responded to my texts but she’s probably just busy with her band and might need to see me for like, moral support? Yeah, I should definitely stop by.
Just as it seems all hope of finding lust in a hopeless place is gone, Farrah pulls into the motel in her Carmen Sandiego trenchcoat! “THAT BITCH,” says Lauren.
Back in the cool Los Angeles evening, Karma has made the financially unwise decision of returning her dress to Zita ’cause it suddenly doesn’t fit. WEIRDO SELL THAT SHIT ON THE BAY AND GET YOUR FAMILY THEIR HOME BACK! It’s not just the dress though, it’s all of it — oh and, Karma wants to leave on a jet plane, STAT.
Here, take it. I thought I could do it but honestly it’s just really hard to walk in a hot dog outfit.
Karma gets passive-aggressive about Liam doing the red carpet with Zita and then admits she’s pissed that she had to find out from Zita about Xander from Buffy and didn’t he know that Karma is a huge Buffy fan? I mean, sure, she obviously was more of a Spike/Buffy shipper but still.
Liam: “Look I don’t know what I can and can’t do with you. How am I supposed to know what the rules are if I don’t even know what we are. I mean, do you? I mean, we’re more than friends with benefits but we’re not quite back together and oh yeah, also, you’ve been tying me up. So you tell me Karma, what’s the answer?”
Karma: “I havent’ had any answers since you slept with my best friend.”
Liam: “THERE IT IS! Your trumpc ard! how many times do i have to tell you that I’m sorry, that I wanna be with you. Will that ever be enough?”
Karma: “I don’t know.”
I told you we can go to The Abbey after the show!
But Whitney Mixter is there NOW, Liam. She might not be there all night.
EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT WHITNEY MIXTER IS JUST A POOR MAN’S SARAH CROCE!
So Karma walks away, leaving Liam dazed and confused. But really: as much as I hate to admit it, Liam’s not wrong here. She insisted that Liam not make their relationship official or meaningful, so she can’t complain that he didn’t feel comfortable confiding in her. Sure, we never would’ve gotten this far if Liam wasn’t a douchebag who wanted to bang a lesbian for a notch on his belt, but that’s not even what Karma’s upset about.
Next up in tonight’s Selfish Sagas, Shane marches up to a pre-gaming Duke to yell at him about Joanna saying they’ve gotta keep their relationship on the down-low.
I wasn’t born yesterday. I know full well there’s no ring out there, it’s just a dark black box set with a lot of spotlights on it!
Look, I don’t care if Shane just found out that Duke got really depressed and wasted at a wedding and had sex with Liam — don’t fuck with anybody when they’re about to battle to the death in a vat of pudding or whatever “Mixed Martial Arts” is.
Duke: Stop —
Shane: No, YOU stop. Stop letting the publicist, the paparazzi and the pay-per-view go to your head! G-d, if I’d known it was gonna be like this, I never would’ve outed you.
Duke stops moving, maybe even stops thinking, and his eyes flash with anger like a tiger, and then he gets right up in Shane’s face, and goes:
Duke: Just so you know, when Joanna asked me to keep you a secret, I said no.
He’s called to the ring, leaving Shane alone to think about how it feels to be a giant asshole.
Back in Austindale, Karma gets out of her towncar just as a limousine pulls up right outside her home.
Pardon me, but do you have any do you have any Grey Poupon?
I was born in 1998. I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Mr. Booker invites Karma to get into his car. So many limousines for Karma to ride in, so little time!
Back at No-Tell Motel, Lauren’s unleashing some righteous babe anger onto the door of the room where Farrah’s been hanging out with some mystery meat. How dare Farrah yank Lauren out of her blissful existence and smash her into Yarn Arts just to go cheat on Bruce!
You better have a really fucking good explanation for why it’s suddenly okay to stay in rooms with doors leading to the outside when you NEVER let me book them for any of our family vacations even though it would’ve saved us SO much money!
Lauren raves about the DEVIL SEED in her PIT OF SIN and how Farrah better OPEN THIS DOOR before Lauren DRIVES HER CAR RIGHT THROUGH IT! Bless her, everyone, bless her. At last, the door opens, and it’s not at all who Amy was expecting:
No just kidding it’s Amy’s Dad!
Hey there little lady
Is that my jacket?!
Back at The Fight Of Duke’s Life, Liam’s sulking outside when Zita arrives to offer a shoulder to cry on / erotically nibble.
Zita: Did you two break up?
Liam: I don’t know if there was anything to break up.
Zita: Well, what do you want?
Liam: Honestly, I don’t know.
Zita: Well, I know what I want.
Does Zita want a squash-beet casserole? Does Zita want a Petco coupon? Does Zita want to take an Uber to Big Lots? Does Zita want a cruise for two to the Bahamas? Does Zita want to answer a few questions on this survey about LGBTQ health? Does Zita want to be an Autostraddle Intern? Does Zita want sailing lessons? Nope. Zita wants…
THIS GUY.
Welp.
Obviously I’ve now seen next week’s episode and can report that it actually manages to provide a lot of genuine character development, so you can look forward to that, GUMSHOES. I can’t find a preview this early but let me know if you found one! Are y’all still watching? I still have hope for this show, honestly, I really do. Do you ever mean to open a new window and instead select “About Safari”? Have you seen Grandma? It was so good! I think Heather is gonna write a thing about it. Anyhow, goodnight!
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When you end recaps with delightfully real non-sequiturs like “I still have hope for this show, honestly, I really do. Do you ever mean to open a new window and instead select “About Safari”?” it just reminds me how much you Autostraddle writers just really get me, like on a deep level.
I totally forgot to watch Faking It tonight. Meanwhile Riese is over here with her recap written in an hour like a pro. I need to do better. smh
GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER JENNY
Like what even is my life?
So what I took away from this episode is that nobody can resist Liam’s magic peen. Not even lesbians who’s best friend dump them for him. It also converts them to liking guys.
The truth.
Zita and Liam go away to live on Squirkle island, for away from all the other characters on this show. The show continues. I’m happy.
<- My predication. Or maybe daydream.
prediction*
These recaps always fool me into thinking Faking It is a better show than it actually is. Even so, if there is a right way to watch a meh show it’s through Riese’s recaps!
So someone has put up episodes that haven’t aired yet on the internet? Anyway, I still have hope also, having seen a few episodes ahead. The strongest element of this show is character development-focused parts, so they should do more of that.
yeah the entire season has leaked. i don’t want to say anything else about that because it’s illegal to pirate content and we do not support such things here! but yes, that is a thing that happened on the internet.
Yeah, I didn’t realize until I’d seen a few that the air date was coming to me from the future (I couldn’t get the MTV thing to work). Sorry to have mentioned it here! And I guess doing it again now? I’ll shut up now.
But I feel like this show is writing itself out of a lot of bad decisions (relying too heavily on stereotypes and tropes and situations instead of actual character work and letting situations unfold more naturally) and I am feeling hopeful for the future!
I third the hope for this season, it’s been pretty gosh darn great. I may have watched ahead as well.
I still love this show.
It might not get all the stuff right all the time, but then, it’s the little things, like very liberal Becky,Lauren, with absolutely everything she does, the Veronica Mars references, Yarn Arts, you know.
That said, I’ll be off to rewatch that Justin/Brian prom scene.
Maybe I’ll wear a plaid shirt and a white silk scarf this Halloween and go as a tragic gay love story next year…
You use Safari?
Yeah, chrome kept crashing because of flash and i did like 10,000 things to fix it but nothing worked and google has no desire to fix the problem on their end, judging by a forum on the topic I subscribed to, so I had to make the switch.
Siiigh, flash.
I thought last nights episode was the best one in a long time. I really enjoy when Amy and Lauren work together towards something.
The Amy/Lauren part of the episode was great, but everything else was just painful, and very, very predictable. Like, as soon as Shane mentioned the publicist, I knew she’d cause trouble between him and Duke, and OBVIOUSLY Zita wanted to get into Liam’s pants. On the other hand, I totally thought Farrah and Bruce would be sneaking out to bang each other, away from the snooping eyes of their teenaged daughters. Amy’s dad definitely came out of the blue. And I’m much more interested in how Amy deals with the reemergence of her father than how Karma deals with Liam hooking up with Zita.
“I totally thought Farrah and Bruce would be sneaking out to bang each other, away from the snooping eyes of their teenaged daughters.”
Yeah, that’s what I thought too! I was surprised to see Amy’s Dad at the door in an episode that contained very few real surprises.
These recaps! Are so good!
Thank you!
I was really hoping the publicist was worried about Shane being in high school not because it’s not impressive enough, but because it’s inappropriate. Damn. Well, I’ll just keep trying to convince myself that Shane is 16 and Duke is only 18. I can do no such convincing regarding Lauren and Theo, which is a serious bummer since I accidentally like them together.
Well. Zita’s awful, it turns out. That’s a shame.
Yeah I was kinda impressed that they were trying to frame Zita as bucking expectation and not actually being after Liam, but alas.
I’m so confused about Lauren being a sophomore dating a grown-up? But she apparently is at least 16, because she drives and owns a car… and seemingly has done so since the start of the show, which means she began her sophomore year at the age of 16… I think I was 14 at the start of my sophomore year but I’m probably the weird one
I turned 16 halfway through my sophomore year. And I know exactly how young I was. Dating a guy who was old enough to have finished police academy would’ve been hella creepy (also illegal to consummate).
The cast members of these shows are generally all around the same age, so it looks less creepy that high schoolers are dating adults. I hope that doesn’t normalize it for kids IRL.
I know for age of consent TX has the 3-year rule, so as long as the “adults” they’re dating are less than 3 years older, it’s at least legal, but I can’t figure out ANY way that a police officer (who has gone far enough to be doing undercover work) is less than 3 years older than a high school sophomore.
I know this show is hardly realism and I’m getting into silly technicalities, but I just want ONE teen show out there that doesn’t promote weird statutory rape relationships as root-for couples. It’s so frustrating when you’re middle-aged like me and you hand-wring about the impressionable children but nonetheless really, really like teen-oriented TV. WHAT ABOUT US?
I feel like Reagan and Duke could both be fairly young themselves, 19-20. I briefly dated a 17-year-old when I was 19, so…
Theo is harder to justify though. If he is actually a police officer, he has to be well into his 20s.
I’m with you though on wanting teen-oriented shows to stop having teenagers dating adults. It sends all kinds of confusing messages to the actual teenagers watching. I’m okay with someone under 18 dating someone over 18 if the age difference is only a couple of years, because I think most states have clauses that make those types of relationships legal, but the high school student/actual-real-life-adult couples need to stop.
Right!? Like, does ANYONE on this show think dating a high school student is not a good idea? Reagan and Amy, “Theo” and Lauren, Duke and Shane. It’s almost worse than Pretty Little Liars.
I knew someone in high school who was dating a 26 year old but we might have been 17 or 18 at the time not as creepy.
Yuuuuuup. I was totally on-board with Joanna until she gave the most bullshit excuse rather than the perfectly valid LEGAL ONE.
This show. If they made everyone seniors I’d accept it, but good god, why the hell is everyone dating an adult? WHY IS KARMA THE ONLY ONE WHO ETHICALLY DATES PEOPLE. AND SHE’S DATING A DOUCHEBAG WHO WANTED TO FLIP A LESBIAN.
EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT WHITNEY MIXTER IS JUST A POOR MAN’S SARAH CROCE!
<3
This was my least favorite episode of the leaked ones. I don’t just have hopes for the show, I think they have found their footing and that the show will just get better and better – even if they drive some of their viewers crazy by design.
I was also so expecting Bruce to be Farrah’s No-Tell lover, and the storyline to end there.
I dislike the Theo and Duke storylines, the age difference is awkward and it prevents me from getting invested. I wish teevee would stop pairing high-schoolers with people whom are done with school.
I love all things Lauren & Amy – but, we’re supposed to find Lauren’s anger to be comedic, right? Which I do, but it makes me sad that I do – because the situations are really not funny.
One thing I found highly amusing – spoiler – is Liam’s prom date. I don’t know why, but I laughed so much because of it.
This episode was really frustrating, but the recap is wonderful as always!
Why are there still girl-boy storylines on this show? Do they really think THAT’S what we’re tuning in for!?
I just want to re-write this show so that only peripheral characters are straight. Then again, I want to do this with all shows.