Hello and welcome to the 11th recap of the second season of “Faking It,” a 90-minute animated musical radio drama from the same network that brought you Yo Momma.

It’s been many months in real time and two weeks in TV-land-time since we last caught up with everybody’s favorite emotional eaters and the white men who steal screen time away from them. I’ve already told you ten things to expect from this season, which you can check out if you’re in a spoilery mood. Now let’s get cracking on the recap!

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We open in a vehicle in the smack-dab early morning dawn of the day, where Karma’s autostraddling Liam in her bra because that’s a good way to keep your hookup on the down-low: do it in a car in broad daylight with the windows rolled down.

Liam exhales, “I love you,” and she’s like “look, if I wanted premature and/or inappropriately early love declarations, I’d be dating women.” Just kidding, she’s annoyed ’cause they’re just supposed to be friends who have sex, not friends who have sex and tell each other that they love each other. Tomato, toMAHto.

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Meanwhile or erstwhile, Lauren’s dealing with her Theo-related stress by aggressively smashing a spoon into her cereal bowl. It’s a good thing Farrah doesn’t have misophonia!

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Don’t worry, it’s not gonna be weird for Karma to give Amy a ride to school. They’ve spent the last two weeks talking everything out, Karma totally forgives her and everything is completely normal and not even remarkably awkward. The degree to which this is totally normal and okay is evidenced by the hearse-like silence in the carpool.

It’s definitely not awkward when Reagan texts Amy a cute pic from their camping trip and Karma says that’s not “how she pictured it,” which means, of course, that she was picturing it.

It’s also absolutely not awkward when Karma jokes that at least this carpool situation enables her to keep an eye on Liam and Amy! It’s certainly not awkward at all when Amy asks why Karma’s discarded her best friends necklace. Those things don’t grow on trees you know, if you want one you’ll have to find a parking spot at the mall and go to Claire’s. Nobody wants to go to Claire’s. Unless you’re 12, in which case you’re probably already at Claire’s, right now, reading this on your mobile phone. (Real talk: I love Claire’s.)

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Back on the sprawling campus of Liberal Oasis Purple High School High, Shane and his boyfriend the MMA fighter are strolling along like two homosexual peas in a pod, holding hands. When Shane suggests that maybe the dude who outed Duke did him a favor, Duke suggests that maybe the best favor he could do this anonymous scoundrel would be to punch him in the throat.

Shane feels awkward about being a liar but Duke thinks Shane’s discomfort is a side effect of losing the student council election to Lauren. “She played the intersex card,” Sean insists. “The school will turn on her when they see her radical agenda.” But before Duke can continue emotionally probing his boyfriend, the winsome twosome come face-to-face with Hester Hippie High School’s latest work of performance art: metal detectors and a guard demanding ID.

Shane: “He’s not a student, this is my professional MMA fighter boyfriend.”
Guard: “Now I’ve seen everything.”

Principal Penelope Delia Fisher wants to make one thing very clear: none of this was her idea.

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We then swing wildly cross-campus into the cheery cafeteria, where Wendy’s imploring Lauren to be a more inspirational leader and maybe talk about being intersex some more, or like how Theo broke her heart or whatnot.

Lauren: “We discussed this. Public figure, private person.”
Wendy: “Okay, then your only other option is to stand up to this new principal. Rally the school behind you.”

Lauren cuts the convo short to tell Shane he’s sitting at her table.

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Amy runs to catch up with Liam to chit-chat about how Karma’s version of forgiveness looks a lot like a lack-of-forgiveness.

But before they can wade too deep into those dangerous waters, the student body is summoned to the grassy knoll for an announcement: they’ve got a new principal! Penelope has been demoted to vice-principal because her entire student body is on dope.

Principal Dickwad: I am not an inspirational leader. I am not here to tell you to dream big or reach for the stars or any of that bullcrap. The recent drug bust exposed a school with dangerously lose academic standards and a complete disregard for how things are done in the real world. I am here to fix that. Trust that it’s for your own good.

The student body responds with booing, except Lauren, who wants to take a walk with the principal and chat, fascist-to-fascist. Meanwhile, Shane wants to plan a protest after school but Liam has to “go to the dentist.” He’s obviously lying, maybe he’s sleeping with the dentist. Shane yells at Penelope but she’s like duddeeee…

Shane: That guy is gonna destroy everything this school stands for!
Penelope: You don’t think I know that? But I barely kept my job and I have three cats to feed. I’m sorry, there’s nothing I can do… but if a certain student leader were to rally the school in protest…
Shane: Okay, I’m blushing, I’ll do it.
Penelope: You’re gonna talk to Lauren? Thank you! I gotta keep my hands clean.

Karma’s bummed that the school’s got a new reason to think she sucks, besides that her hair always looks better than everybody else’s. First Fake Lesbianism, then “being The Daughter of the Drug Dealers Who Destroyed The School.”

Karma rebuffs Amy’s invitation to go eat their feelings together this fine evening, which I imagine would be only the first item on the agenda for a typical Karmy evening, probably followed by busting out the Disney Karaoke, marrying all their paper dolls and prank-calling the public library to ask if their mini-fridge is still running.

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Cut to Skwerkl, where Liam’s shooting the shit with the shitheads and is decidedly not at the dentist. He meets the new intern, Baked Zita…

…who you may recall from Pretty Little Liars…

…and reveals to her and to us that he too is an intern. Apparently Zita’s got this position ’cause she got stoned and fucked her Dad’s Tesla. This is really taking the “only kids with well-connected Dads get good internships” situation to the next level: not only are uninterested fashionistas snagging coveted internships due to family connections, they’re snagging internships due to family connections as punishments. 

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Back at Hester Horton Hears A Hoo School, Lauren laments Hester’s history of controversially excellent decisions, such as replacing their football field with an organic garden, a.k.a. Buddy Garrety’s worst nightmare.

The principal wants to know how Lauren got elected, considering that her views veer so dramatically from the majority of the voting population. Well, Lauren is amazing, to begin with. But Lauren explains that she’s learned how to manipulate idiots, which means she’s got a prosperous career as a Tea Party politician ahead of her!

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Cut to Karma’s room, where she’s deciding which hangers and which tunics she’ll bestow upon the good people of Goodwill and which she’ll keep in a “keep” box when Amy shows up. She’s gotta return Karma’s copy of 50 Shades, which took her four years to read. Probably because it’s terrible.

But WHAT IN GODDESS’S NAME IS GOING ON IN HERE.

Amy: “Where are all your things? You love things?”

Karma says something bullshitty about spring cleaning when suddenly Felix pops in. Who’s Felix?

Karma: “Uhhh Felix here is my new GBF. He’s helping me take my wardrobe from drab to fab. Isn’t that right, Felix?”
Felix: “Yes, it is? And not only am I gay but I’m also a walking stereotype!”

Amy sees herself out, horrified (I imagine) that Faking It has added a new main character to the cast and that character is not being played by Brittani Nichols, while Felix expresses his horror that Karma just told Amy he’s gay ’cause you know what, he’s not gay. Karma is like, oh trust me, being fake gay is the best.

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Cut to the next day at Hester How High School, where Lauren Cooper is unveiling a brand new system to help innocent children who don’t smoke the evil weed and therefore shouldn’t be forced to carry those awful transparent backpacks that were really cool for a minute in the late ’90s. “Are you tired of being treated like a criminal?” Lauren asks. “I’m Lauren Cooper, and I feel the same way.”

So Lauren and Principal Turner have created the VERIFIED program, where students willing to submit to random drug tests, get fingerprinted, and sign a code of conduct are welcome to enjoy all their privileges.

Shane is shocked to see that students aren’t lining up to protest how this system unjustly penalizes kids who eat poppyseed bagels — they’re lining up to get verified! Amy’s still trying to get to the bottom of this Felix situation, asking Shane if he’s met Karma’s new GBF.

Shane: “Are you kidding me? Is he full of witty retorts? How’s his fashion sense? Is he cute? Cuter than me?”

Amy tells Shane that the new GBF’s name is Felix, and Shane says that Felix is definitely not gay.

Amy: If that’s true then why would he fake being gay?
Shane: Yeah, who would do such a terrible thing?
Amy: He’s karma’ing Karma! He’s pretending to be gay so he can gain her trust and seduce her!

Amy’s left to catch flies in her tonsils when Shane goes to read the Code of Conduct and give the Verified Program a piece of his mind! Don’t we trust each other? Don’t we stand up for the little guy? Shouldn’t we take our clothes off to protest this terrible turn of events?!!

Shane: If President Turner wants to strip us of our rights, then maybe we should strip to protect them!

I feel like this breaks child pornography laws but mmk.

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We then catapult ourselves back to Skwerkel, where Intern Zita and Mr. Booker are chatting about service elevators when Liam shows up, late, and is consequently horrified to hear that Zita thinks his Dad is hot. Liam says his Dad eats children’s souls for breakfast, which beats Starbucks’ protein box any day.

Whatever, Zita wants to know why Liam’s here if he hates his Dad and this company so much. Did he eat a bunch of asparagus and then urinate in his Dad’s indoor pool? Did he crash a motorbike into his Dad’s giant castle? Did he strangle the family poodle with his Dad’s golden sapphire pocketwatch? Did he bathe in his Dad’s caviar? Did he forget to feet his Dad’s stable of prize race horses?

Liam: That is a long story.
Zita: Sounds juicy! Take your time, embellish the good parts. Come on, I’m not gonna tell anybody, all my friends are in rehab.

I think she’s talking about Maya St.Germain.

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Back on the resplendent lawns of Hesteria High, Shane’s trying to inspire a bunch of insecure hormonal teenagers wearing very expensive outfits to take them off to protest this dictatorship.

Wendy tells Lauren she’s not the woman she voted for if Lauren’s gonna agree with Principal McFascist, and Lauren’s just getting over that snub when HEY-O! It’s Theo! It took him two weeks to walk here, but he made it!

Theo: You blocked my calls. I need to tell you that I lied to you.
Lauren: Yeah, I know, how stupid do you think I am?
Theo: No, when you asked if any of that was real, I only said no because my boss was listening.
Lauren: I don’t know what game you’re playing, but it’s not gonna work.

My heart feels sad for Theo as Lauren, full of rage, takes her frustration to the VMA Stage, after the principal had threatened to give all of them permanent detention.

Lauren: I know y’all hate these new rules, and a real politician would get up here and tell you they hate them too, but I’m not gonna pander, especially when that’s not how I feel. Hester isn’t the same place that it used to be. Nobody knows that better than me. We were humiliated. We were used. We were betrayed. These rules are here to protect us, because we can’t let our guard down again.

Lauren, like many of her friends / frenemies — Shane and Karma, to be specific — perceives only the loosest of boundaries between her own personal emotional turmoil and the ethics of making random large groups of other people suffer because of it. This plays out twice as hard for Lauren, though. She’s been building the world’s firmest boundary between her and everything else for so long and won’t feel whole again until those walls have been rebuilt, even if she’s gotta kick everybody out during construction.

Shane says there’s no need to protect these children! HE HAS NOTHING TO HIDE! FREE THE NIPPLE!

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Liam is back at Skwerkel finishing up his epic Karma saga. Zita dishes out a cold hard portion of real talk: you screwed her best friend, game over, it’s a lost cause. Liam refuses to accept this, because he is a lesbian.

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Back within the walls of this crumbling institution, Amy’s shoving Felix into the art room / boiler room to get to the bottom of his presence on this show by pretending to seduce him.

Amy: Come on, tell me you didn’t feel the connection between us last night. It was electric!
Felix: It was? I mean, IT WAS! So electric. But I thought you were a lesbian!
Amy: Uh uh uh! I’ve never labeled myself. I’m more attracted to the person, and you are a person to whom I am definitely attracted. And I think the feeling is mutual. If only you weren’t gay.
Felix: Uh, yeah, about that….

I felt hopeful, here, for a minute, because this clip — the “Aren’t you a lesbian / I’ve never labeled myself” bit was used in the previews to suggest that Amy would be trying to legitimately seduce this guy and it turns out that she’s not legitimately seducing this guy. But then I saw the preview for the entire season and felt sad.

But before this unfortunate moment can continue, Karma shows up, furious! Is Amy just gonna clomp around seducing all the men in Karma’s life! How can Karma ever trust her again!

Amy: You can! I was just trying to expose Felix for the fraud that he is.
He’s straight! He was only pretending to be gay so he could seduce you.
Felix: Hey whoa wait a second I am straight, yeah, but I would never do something like that, what kind of person would?

Karma, as always, is very committed to her lie, although there’s a zero percent chance she’ll truly manage to avoid ever telling Amy the truth. Or maybe she’s  angling for a crossover episode with Pretty Little Liars to get away from all this Texas scarf weather and into Rosewood’s Eternal Spring.

Karma explains that Felix was in her bedroom last night ’cause it’s not actually her bedroom anymore — the drug bust plunged the Ashcrofts into even deeper financial ruin, forcing them to lease the house to Felix’s family and live in their backyard juice truck. Amy, because she is endlessly patient and forgiving in all things Karma, insists that it’ll be okay if Karma just lets Amy help her through this trying time. They don’t even need necklaces to prove their best friendship! Down with capitalism! No but really, Karma lost her necklace while moving, so Amy says they can share. Because sharing is caring. And sharing is also gay.

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Later that fine evening, Liam rolls up to Karma’s Dawson Door to tell her that even though his friend told him to abandon all hope, he’s not giving up hope ’cause he loves Karma so much!

But, of course, there’s no Karma on the other side of that window, just a Felix.

Felix is like, hey bro, I don’t know what you heard about me but no homo. Liam wants to know what Felix is doing in Karma’s room, to which Felix suggests that Liam speaks with Karma re:that, ’cause micro-managing Karma’s Web of Lies was not on the lease.

Oh yeah, and it turns out that Felix’s Dad is the new Principal. THE END.

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Next week on Faking It, Amy and Reagan will kiss on the lips and Karma and Reagan will cater-waiter in menswear!

According to the “this season on Faking It” teaser we got at the end of the episode, there will be more sexual tension between Karma and Amy… and Amy might for real have feelings for Felix? In which case I will canoe myself out to Boblo Island and videotape myself crying next to an abandoned merry-go-round while singing along to The Reality Bites soundtrack and mail a copy of the video to MTV every day for the rest of my life. MARK MY WORDS. But the Karma and Amy stuff looks SO GOOD, Y’ALL.

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