Cut to the next day at Hester How High School, where Lauren Cooper is unveiling a brand new system to help innocent children who don’t smoke the evil weed and therefore shouldn’t be forced to carry those awful transparent backpacks that were really cool for a minute in the late ’90s. “Are you tired of being treated like a criminal?” Lauren asks. “I’m Lauren Cooper, and I feel the same way.”

So Lauren and Principal Turner have created the VERIFIED program, where students willing to submit to random drug tests, get fingerprinted, and sign a code of conduct are welcome to enjoy all their privileges.

And yes, I will be using this for my Wheel of Fortune audition tape

Shane is shocked to see that students aren’t lining up to protest how this system unjustly penalizes kids who eat poppyseed bagels — they’re lining up to get verified! Amy’s still trying to get to the bottom of this Felix situation, asking Shane if he’s met Karma’s new GBF.

Shane: “Are you kidding me? Is he full of witty retorts? How’s his fashion sense? Is he cute? Cuter than me?”

OH MY LORD IT WAS YOU WHO GOT THE LAST SIZE MEDIUM GAL PAL CROP TOP YOU BITCH

Amy tells Shane that the new GBF’s name is Felix, and Shane says that Felix is definitely not gay.

Amy: If that’s true then why would he fake being gay?
Shane: Yeah, who would do such a terrible thing?
Amy: He’s karma’ing Karma! He’s pretending to be gay so he can gain her trust and seduce her!

Amy’s left to catch flies in her tonsils when Shane goes to read the Code of Conduct and give the Verified Program a piece of his mind! Don’t we trust each other? Don’t we stand up for the little guy? Shouldn’t we take our clothes off to protest this terrible turn of events?!!

Shane: If President Turner wants to strip us of our rights, then maybe we should strip to protect them!

I feel like this breaks child pornography laws but mmk.

Clear backpacks have a long and storied history. For example, did you know that in the late ’80s, teenagers would match their jelly sandals to the shade of their transparent backpack?

We then catapult ourselves back to Skwerkel, where Intern Zita and Mr. Booker are chatting about service elevators when Liam shows up, late, and is consequently horrified to hear that Zita thinks his Dad is hot. Liam says his Dad eats children’s souls for breakfast, which beats Starbucks’ protein box any day.

And then I was like, what do you mean fathers need maternity leave, too? What do you think this is, Sweden?

Whatever, Zita wants to know why Liam’s here if he hates his Dad and this company so much. Did he eat a bunch of asparagus and then urinate in his Dad’s indoor pool? Did he crash a motorbike into his Dad’s giant castle? Did he strangle the family poodle with his Dad’s golden sapphire pocketwatch? Did he bathe in his Dad’s caviar? Did he forget to feet his Dad’s stable of prize race horses?

Liam: That is a long story.
Zita: Sounds juicy! Take your time, embellish the good parts. Come on, I’m not gonna tell anybody, all my friends are in rehab.

I think she’s talking about Maya St.Germain.

Back on the resplendent lawns of Hesteria High, Shane’s trying to inspire a bunch of insecure hormonal teenagers wearing very expensive outfits to take them off to protest this dictatorship.

DONNA MARTIN GRADUATES! DONNA MARTIN GRADUATES!

Wendy tells Lauren she’s not the woman she voted for if Lauren’s gonna agree with Principal McFascist, and Lauren’s just getting over that snub when HEY-O! It’s Theo! It took him two weeks to walk here, but he made it!

Look, I just wanted to tell you that it’s Family & Friends week at Old Navy and I can get you a discount. That’s all.

YOU’RE NOT MY ONLY FRIEND WHO WORKS AT OLD NAVY

Theo: You blocked my calls. I need to tell you that I lied to you.
Lauren: Yeah, I know, how stupid do you think I am?
Theo: No, when you asked if any of that was real, I only said no because my boss was listening.
Lauren: I don’t know what game you’re playing, but it’s not gonna work.

My heart feels sad for Theo as Lauren, full of rage, takes her frustration to the VMA Stage, after the principal had threatened to give all of them permanent detention.

Whoever stole Lauren’s Prius Fob, please return it to us now or bring it to my office by 3 PM.

Lauren: I know y’all hate these new rules, and a real politician would get up here and tell you they hate them too, but I’m not gonna pander, especially when that’s not how I feel. Hester isn’t the same place that it used to be. Nobody knows that better than me. We were humiliated. We were used. We were betrayed. These rules are here to protect us, because we can’t let our guard down again.

Lauren, like many of her friends / frenemies — Shane and Karma, to be specific — perceives only the loosest of boundaries between her own personal emotional turmoil and the ethics of making random large groups of other people suffer because of it. This plays out twice as hard for Lauren, though. She’s been building the world’s firmest boundary between her and everything else for so long and won’t feel whole again until those walls have been rebuilt, even if she’s gotta kick everybody out during construction.

Shane says there’s no need to protect these children! HE HAS NOTHING TO HIDE! FREE THE NIPPLE!

What? None of y’all have ever seen a cock ring before?

Liam is back at Skwerkel finishing up his epic Karma saga. Zita dishes out a cold hard portion of real talk: you screwed her best friend, game over, it’s a lost cause. Liam refuses to accept this, because he is a lesbian.

I wonder if this week is Fan Fiction Friday week or if it’s next week…

Back within the walls of this crumbling institution, Amy’s shoving Felix into the art room / boiler room to get to the bottom of his presence on this show by pretending to seduce him.

Amy: Come on, tell me you didn’t feel the connection between us last night. It was electric!
Felix: It was? I mean, IT WAS! So electric. But I thought you were a lesbian!
Amy: Uh uh uh! I’ve never labeled myself. I’m more attracted to the person, and you are a person to whom I am definitely attracted. And I think the feeling is mutual. If only you weren’t gay.
Felix: Uh, yeah, about that….

I felt hopeful, here, for a minute, because this clip — the “Aren’t you a lesbian / I’ve never labeled myself” bit was used in the previews to suggest that Amy would be trying to legitimately seduce this guy and it turns out that she’s not legitimately seducing this guy. But then I saw the preview for the entire season and felt sad.

Have you ever tried scissoring?

No, but I do enjoy stenciling and papier-mâché

But before this unfortunate moment can continue, Karma shows up, furious! Is Amy just gonna clomp around seducing all the men in Karma’s life! How can Karma ever trust her again!

Amy: You can! I was just trying to expose Felix for the fraud that he is.
He’s straight! He was only pretending to be gay so he could seduce you.
Felix: Hey whoa wait a second I am straight, yeah, but I would never do something like that, what kind of person would?

What are you doing? You can’t just use my Hitachi Magic Wand without washing it first!

TOLDJA!

Karma, as always, is very committed to her lie, although there’s a zero percent chance she’ll truly manage to avoid ever telling Amy the truth. Or maybe she’s  angling for a crossover episode with Pretty Little Liars to get away from all this Texas scarf weather and into Rosewood’s Eternal Spring.

Dammit Amy your boobs look incredible in that shirt

Karma explains that Felix was in her bedroom last night ’cause it’s not actually her bedroom anymore — the drug bust plunged the Ashcrofts into even deeper financial ruin, forcing them to lease the house to Felix’s family and live in their backyard juice truck. Amy, because she is endlessly patient and forgiving in all things Karma, insists that it’ll be okay if Karma just lets Amy help her through this trying time. They don’t even need necklaces to prove their best friendship! Down with capitalism! No but really, Karma lost her necklace while moving, so Amy says they can share. Because sharing is caring. And sharing is also gay.

I love it when you massage my lymph nodes

Later that fine evening, Liam rolls up to Karma’s Dawson Door to tell her that even though his friend told him to abandon all hope, he’s not giving up hope ’cause he loves Karma so much!

I don’t even need like an entire eighth, even if you’ve just got a dime bag you could hook me up with that would be so cool

But, of course, there’s no Karma on the other side of that window, just a Felix.

You rang?

Felix is like, hey bro, I don’t know what you heard about me but no homo. Liam wants to know what Felix is doing in Karma’s room, to which Felix suggests that Liam speaks with Karma re:that, ’cause micro-managing Karma’s Web of Lies was not on the lease.

Oh yeah, and it turns out that Felix’s Dad is the new Principal. THE END.

Next week on Faking It, Amy and Reagan will kiss on the lips and Karma and Reagan will cater-waiter in menswear!

According to the “this season on Faking It” teaser we got at the end of the episode, there will be more sexual tension between Karma and Amy… and Amy might for real have feelings for Felix? In which case I will canoe myself out to Boblo Island and videotape myself crying next to an abandoned merry-go-round while singing along to The Reality Bites soundtrack and mail a copy of the video to MTV every day for the rest of my life. MARK MY WORDS. But the Karma and Amy stuff looks SO GOOD, Y’ALL.

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