Hello and welcome to the seventh recap of the first season of Faking It, a tragicomedy from the network that brought you Pimp My Ride and Yo Mama.

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We open in Karma’s bedroom of love and secrets, where Karma’s eagerly chatting about her plan to never wash her hair, just like Alex Vega, because of essential oils. Meanwhile Amy wonders why nobody besides tumblr and lesbian website commenters wants to talk about that threesome thing.

Karma: “You know how people in movies wind up in strange towns and forget their names and how they got there? That’s me. Total amnesia about the whole thing!”

Amy, tentative and clearly hopeful, asks if it was their hot lesbian kiss that made Karma flee the scene, but Karma denies such desires:

Karma: “No, no, I just realized that things had gotten completely out of control. I made you dress up like Dita Von Teese and kiss a boy you didn’t even like.”

Anyhow, Karma says that she feels like this situation has turned her into Amy’s pimp, which’s supes awkward! Firstly, worst pimp ever because nobody got paid, secondly, I’d prefer “madam” in this context.

Regardless, Karma, who clearly doesn’t understand The Things Lesbians Do For The Love Of Our Straight Best Friends, says she doesn’t feel comfortable “whoring out” her best friend and therefore it’s clearly time to fake-break-up. Luckily, she has a binder for that!

Karma’s extensively studied US Weekly and concluded their best course of action is to start spending time apart and then put out a press release declaring that they’ll be besties forever despite not being girlfies anymore. That sounds neat but complicated, I think instead Amy should just go to a Knicks game with Rihanna.

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Cut to the Melody Cafeteria at Blue Oasis High School where Shane and Amy are feeling really hopeful about Karmy ’cause of that hot pre-threesome kiss. The Gay Scouts consider the possibility that Karma’s present freakout is a result of her burning sapphic desire for eternal scissordom with Amy, a desire which many of us here at home are totally on board with.

Shane: “She felt something when you kissed and now she’s pushing you away!”
Amy: “You think? I mean it was really hot. I’m surprised that cheap motel didn’t burst into flames.”
Shane: “Ugh, I love lesbian porn, it’s so elegant. Continue! What happened next?”
Amy: “Once we came up for hair we looked into each other’s eyes and we saw each other. I mean, we really saw each other. Maybe for the first time.”
Shane: “So after the hot kiss and all the seeing, then what?”
Amy: “And then Liam kissed me and Karma ran out and now she doesn’t wanna talk about it.”

Shane now wants to know alllll about her kiss with Liam, as if he doesn’t already know all about kissing from his obvious secret gay relationship with Liam.

Amy shares her botanical feelings:

Amy: “It was like… you know when you’re outside on a sunny spring day and you see a butterfly and you go AHHH and then the world stops for a second and then it’s gone? It was like that.”
Shane: “Wow.”
Amy: “Wow? No. Not wow.”
Shane: “Not wow?”
Amy: “Wow was kissing Karma. If Liam was spotting a butterfly, Karma was spotting a soaring eagle and oh my god I was with her and it was magical and I wished it could last forever.”

Oh boi y’all, Amy is rrrrreeeealllll gay. Anyhow, Shane’s a bit concerned that Karma’s post-kiss exit could mean she was jealous of Amy kissing her #1 Boy Crush Liam Booker rather than that she’s afraid of her feelings for Amy.

The lunch lady has saved the last slice of pie for Karma and Amy and thus is shocked to see Amy in line sans Karma.

Amy explains that Karma’s taking time off to focus on her studies and then the lunch lady is like OMG THEY’RE BREAKING UP.

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Later that very same day, Amy’s walking across campus when she notices that everybody’s looking at her with pity and despair. Since she’s not wearing any Ed Hardy or anything it’s tough to determine the source of these disparaging glances.

Meanwhile, Karma’s being pressed for an interview by her classmate Vashti for the school’s official gothip tumblr. Vashti’s readers are desperate for “the scoop” and probs also some animated gifs.

All Karma can come up with is:

Karma: “Please respect our privacy at this difficult time.”

Hey Vashti, I’ve got a tip for your tumblr:

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Karma tracks down Liam at the House of Steel and Sanding and Testosterone, where he’s rubbing one out on every local metal surface possible and is super-pissed to hear about the breakup ’cause he thinks it’s “pretty uncool to invite a guy into something like that and then get upset when he participates.”

Karma explains that it’s totally not his fault at all so all this aggression against innocent pieces of steel is totally unnecessary:

Karma: “Liam, look, when I saw you two you know — I realized that this is insane, everything got totally out of control and I forced you to make out with a girl you don’t even like.”
Liam: “Are you serious? I am so over all of this drama. I told you up front I didn’t want to break up Hester’s favorite couple.”
Karma: “You didn’t.”
Liam: “Then what did?”

Um, I have a theory?

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Cut to Amy and Karma hanging out in the gym chatting about the business of being born. See, Karma thinks their best break-up idea is to pull a “Brad and Jen,” and unfortunately that doesn’t mean that Amy gets to run around the world doing humanitarian work with and oral sex on Angelina Jolie. It means Karma wants them to act like Karma wants kids and Amy doesn’t and so they’re breaking up.

Amy: “You’re demented. We’re teenagers, we don’t care about having kids until we accidentally get pregnant.”

Also, Amy points out, Brad and Jen are def not BFFs, so this is not applicable to this situation for a variety of reasons, and therefore Amy suggests they slow the breakup roll. Karma protests, insisting their best course of action is to “control the message.”

Luckily, she’s got another idea: They broke up ’cause Karma wants to go to a big state school and Amy would prefer a “tiny artsy-fartsy college.” This is for real true because LADIES obviously Amy’s gonna go to Sarah Lawrence and Karma’s gonna go to UT-Austin. Regardless, they better figure out their lie right quick before their hard-hitting interview with Vashti Dot Tumblr Dot Com this very evening.

Amy wants to know why Karma is being a total weirdo, and Karma says it’s ’cause she’s the planner and Amy is the executor. Then Amy makes a face like she wants to execute Karma, which I am unsurprisingly also on board with.

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Elsewhere this fine day, Lauren & The L Words are enjoying a nice lunch in the open air quad but Lauren thinks Lisbeth is eating string cheese wrong because Lisbeth is eating string cheese wrong.

Then they all practice string cheese eating which should be a really erotic situation for me because Girls + String Cheese, but instead is just sort of sad and confusing.

The L Words are super upset about Karma and Amy breaking up. Lauren suggests that maybe they should be upset about GMOs instead. The L Words wonder if it was a communication problem or maybe if they were fighting about money but then Lauren’s Sockless Boyfriend shows up and suggests that maybe it was that threesome that did ’em in.

Tommy barks like a dog cross-campus at Liam, going BOOKER HOW WAS IT??!! and Liam is like holy shit leave me alone.

Tommy: “That bro is so fucking lucky. He’s hooked up with all the hot girls at school, PLUS gets a lesbian threesome.”
Lauren: “NOT ALL THE HOT GIRLS.”

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Cut to The Big Interview with Vashti. Vashti is very no-nonsense and makes it clear that her readers Expect The Truth and can Smell Bullshit. Karma insists that the break-up is strictly a University Population Size Issue, but Karma doesn’t get too far ahead with that lie before Amy blocks her, suddenly declaring that she is, in fact, eager to attend a gigantic state school. Maybe they can compromise and just go to Tulane or something.

Karma’s upset by Amy going off-script:

Karma: “Last week you said you’d rather be eaten by termites than attend a state school!”
Amy: “Sometimes we push things away that we really want.”

GET IT??

Vashti: “Then there’s hope for you two. You’re clearly not on the same page, I can’t help wondering if you’re covering up the real reason for the split.”
Karma: “What what do you mean?”
Vashti: “I understand there was a threesome with Liam Booker?”

Oh damn, I thought she was gonna talk about this:

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Cut to another lush outdoor area of Blue Oasis High, where Liam is freaking out about the gossip and Shane’s trying to calm him. Then they notice Lauren, standing atop a car with a bullhorn, leading an anti-Liam Rally with the support of 4-5 extras and that performance political poetry girl from Episode 103.

The girls thrust their lipstick into the air triumphantly while screaming. Then Lauren tells Shane that shit is about to change around here SO THERE.

Shane: “You’ve got this all twisted. Liam didn’t do anything wrong.”
Lauren: “I couldn’t care less about Liam Booker. But these hotties sure do, and now I’m their ringleader. Things around here are about to change.”

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Snap to Shane and Liam scrubbing “HOMEWRECKER” off Liam’s car while Liam talks about how he probably actually is The Worst.

Shane: “It’s not your fault they broke up.”
Liam: “Trust me, I’m a Booker, remember? We’re genetically designed to ruin people’s lives.”
Shane: “Not this again. Look, you’re not the asshole here and you don’t deserve to be treated like one. I’m gonna be your Olivia Pope. I’ll create another scandal to distract people from you while wearing killer outfits.”

Shane’s super excited about being Olivia Pope because obviously who doesn’t secretly want to be Olivia Pope all the time but Liam makes him promise not to be Olivia Pope, but obviously, as Olivia Pope, Shane knows that you have to HANDLE IT regardless of what the handle-ees want or feel or think. Only Olivia Pope knows what is good for you and Olivia Pope is going to do what needs to be done to get the job done even if somebody dies or blows up. GOT IT? GO BE A GLADIATOR.

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Cut to a photo shoot headed up by Lauren and starring the ladies of Blue Oasis In Hester Hoover Dam High.

Lauren kicks Lisbeth out of the photo shoot because she doesn’t like her duckface and Lauren is mean.

Then Shane spots the group across the way and acquires a devious facial expression. Elsewhere on this pristine campus, Amy and Liam almost run into each other but then don’t and it’s super awk.

Then Amy runs into my new girlfriend Oliver, who says he heard a rumor that Amy and Karma broke up and even though Amy doesn’t wanna peg Oliver’s pony, she definitely needs a friend.

Oliver: “I’m here if you need a shoulder to cry on. I’ve got two of those, you know, if one gets too damp.”
Amy: “I do seem to have a lot of lunches free all of a sudden.”
Oliver: “I lunch!”

Oliver and Amy are gonna eat millet together.

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Speaking of lunch, Shane has kidnapped/adopted The L Words, aka Lisbeth and Leila, and is giving them special milkshakes and other refined sugars in exchange for dishing some dirt on their fascist dictator Lauren Whooziwhatszit.

Unfortunately the ladies offer up tiny morsels of information that would probably make Abby Whelan roll her eyes:

Leila: “She chews her pens.”
Lisbeth: “And she says she has her period like every other week.”
Leila: “She sneezed in my face once and didn’t even apologize.”

Shane presses: he needs a scandal! Then Lisbeth is like oh yeah she totally pops pills also, so.

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Elsewhere in this wild world of ours, Karma is tracking down Vashti to set the record “straight” ’cause people are getting the wrong idea about their breakup!

Karma: “Our breakup wasn’t Liam Booker’s fault.”
Vashti: “Really? My sources say otherwise.”

Vashti holds up a snapshot of Liam and Amy sort of touching each other while trying to get out of one another’s way. This is like when Jenny took a video on her iPhone of Kelly cleaning up Bette’s floor and then said it was Kelly diving into Bette’s muff. BUT IT WASN’T. Bette would never cheat on Tina (again)!

Vashti says that love triangles always topple over, just like houses of cards and Jenga in general.

Vashti: “You’re being really brave. Anything you want to share with our readers?”
Karma: “It’s been really hard dealing with Amy’s sex addiction!!”

Oh jeez. Why bring that up when all anybody really wants to talk about is this:

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Snap to the special friends park bench where Amy and Karma are discussing Karma’s latest fuck-up: telling Vashti that Amy is a sex addict. Karma insists that it was well-intentioned because that’s what Katy Perry and Russell Brand said when they broke up. Really any time Katy Perry or Russell Brand are involved in your reason for why you did a thing, you should probably just dive head-first into a cement mixer.

Karma’s livid about the picture of Amy and Liam “groping” each other in the courtyard. This is good news ’cause now I know that I should call that area of the school “the courtyard.” I really wasn’t sure.

Amy: “What? No. That’s not at all what it looked like.”
Karma: “Really? Because it looked like a repeat of that kiss from the threesome that you sure seemed to enjoy.”
Amy: “You are jealous!”
Karma: “It looks like I had a right to be.”

Reality hits Amy, and it hits her hard and fast.

Amy: “This was all about Liam and it always has been.”
Karma: “Well, you know how much I like him.”
Amy: “How could I not? He’s all you ever talk about. You’re like a horny parrot. Liam Booker Liam Booker Liam Booker.”
Karma: “Fine, maybe I overreacted.”
Amy: “No, you’ve made yourself perfectly clear. I know what role you want me to play, and I am sick of playing it. I think we should break up. FOR REAL.”

Alas, the devastating fall from the precious glimmering possibility of Wishful Thinking to the dark, bottomless, worse-than-imagined pits of despair known as The Cold Hard Truth.

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Elsewhere in this wide wide world, Lauren’s hanging out with some girls who are talking about Liam when Shane busts up the coffee talk to alert them to his Brand New Scandal, Laurengate.

Lauren says she doesn’t have anything to hide and is an open book. But Shane disagrees and is like, Oh Yeah? Well, WHAT ABOUT THE PILLS YOU TAKE ALL THE TIME? This is when Lauren should say “what, my doctor recommended I take extra Vitamin C,” but instead she acts like a total sketchball.

But before we can close out this storyline, Principal Penelope Deliah Fisher pops up on everybody’s Fake Google Tablets and Fake Google Phones with the day’s announcements.

Principal Penelope Deliah Fisher has important news to share, but since this school is totally fucking weird, the first order of business is a special statement from Karma regarding her breakup with Amy.

Karma: “I was the one who invited Liam into a threesome with me and Amy. Why, I don’t know. What can I say, I’m confused.”

Karma: “I don’t know what I want, all I know is that I don’t wanna hurt a guy who’s truly great, and I don’t want to lose Amy, the person in this world who means the most to me. I never meant to hurt her. I never meant to hurt any of you.”

Amy is watching along with the rest of the student body and apparently hears something in Karma’s lament that inspires her to run across campus and into the library to see her lady-love filming her announcement on-air.

The girls embrace on camera and tenderly touch each other’s hair and the entire school goes insane with glee and happiness.

Well not EVERYONE goes insane with glee and happiness — Oliver looks sad and Liam hits things with a hammer.

Seriously everybody at this school is off their rocker.

Amy looks maybe as happy as she has looked all season, even though Karma is once again wearing a really weird shirt that I don’t understand, maybe because I am a dinosaur who only wears things sold in my own merch store.

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Back on the splendorous lawn of Blue Oasis High School, Amy and Karma are sitting atop a blanket as the entirely batshit student body cheers for them to kiss. Amy’s clearly glowing and happy and eager to feel Karma’s lips on her lips, but when she goes for it, Karma barely pecks her in return, and then sharply pulls away.

Amy doesn’t seem to register the withheld affection, though, diving right back into chipper chatter:

Amy: “So, what do celebrities do when they’ve gotten back together? Vacation in Cabo, record a duet? Oh I know! Matching tattoos!”
Karma: “Look, I meant it when I said that this was all my fault, I never should’ve dragged you into this disaster and I’ve been the worst friend possible. Which is why I think we should still break up. We’ll tell everyone in a few weeks when this all dies down. I know that means you’ll have to keep pretending a little longer, but I promise I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you.”

Ouch. And then Karma kisses Amy on the cheek, leaving her alone and empty on a blanket on the grass.

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Obviously Karma’s running to Liam’s House of Payne, where he’s hiding in a lightbox painting things on the floor or maybe building a house or a baby mobile or a time machine, it’s hard to say exactly.

Karma tells Liam that she wants to fix this thing and be friends. Liam says that he has enough friends, but Karma says she felt like they connected genuinely and bla bla.

Liam’s not having it, though:

Liam: “The whole school sees me as a selfish manipulative asshole!”
Karma: “Not anymore, I made sure of it, nobody thinks that you’re the reason we broke up.”

Liam reveals his true desires:

Liam: “But that’s the point. I wanted to be.”
Karma: “What?”
Liam: “Look, I know that coming between you and Amy is wrong, but I can’t help it. I’ve never felt this way before.”
Karma: “What are you saying?”
Liam: “I think I’m falling for you.”
Karma: “Then let me catch you.”

Barf.

Karma tells Liam that she and Amy are dunezo for real and are just best best friends. Then they take off their clothes and probs are about to have sex or something, I don’t know, how did he make his white box turn into a filmscape is what I wanna know.

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Next week is the Faking It finale! I’ve already seen it but I won’t tell you about it! Well, I can tell you that Farrah and Bruce’s wedding will happen and also other things will happen with people and characters and gosh I just really hope this show gets renewed so that it doesn’t actually end next week.

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