Cut to later that same day, I guess, because apparently Blue Oasis In The Red State of Texas High School is much like Rosewood High School insofar that attending classes is more or less optional. Shane is offering a critique of Amy’s weird SYZZR profile.
EEE that is a REALLY big picture of your vulva, Amy, maybe we should leave SOMETHING up to the imagination
The profile is entirely dedicated to things Amy doesn’t like, which includes and is not limited to: people who buy jeans with holes in them, people who prefer mayo to ketchup, girls who wear cowboy hats, people who think “conversate” is a word, people who like reggae and people who wear sunglasses inside.
I think you forgot “people who claim to be your friends who share links on facebook to Huffington Post stories about things that Autostraddle also has written about instead of sharing the Autostraddle story”
Shane: “This profile sounds a wee bit negative.”
Amy: “I’m already faking one relationship, if I’m gonna have a real one I want her to love me for me.”
Shane: (adorable facial expression) “That’s not how online dating works.”
You know, every time I watch this I’m more and more mystified by how Beyonce stayed almost totally still the entire time
Just as Shane’s declaring that it’d be a miracle for Amy to get a hit off this, G-d strikes her tablet with his mighty lighting rod and bestows a certifiably “super-cute” lady upon Amy. YAY!
Back at Good Karma’s Pink Truck Of Love And Kale Pineapple Chakra, Luke’s chatting about how lovely Luke and Molly are, and Molly needs help composting her scraps, and Karma hates everything.
Here! It’s anthrax.
For some reason, Liam is being totally nice and normal and is seriously in love with Karma’s parents, who are also super into Liam and also sad that Karma has announced that Liam will be departing the premises immediately without asking for Liam’s consent first.
Um, what happened to our family commitment to nonstop misandry??!
Molly says Liam reminds her of their dear son Zen who recently dropped out of Amherst to dig wells in Zimbabwe and is a special soul full of integrity and passion, just like Liam! Karma’s got a little something to say about THAT:
Karma: “Integrity? Liam wouldn’t know what integrity was if he searched for it on Skorkle.”
Liam: “You saw.”
Liam: “Saw what? Saw you protesting all day against The Man — or, “the woman” — from Skorkle. The one you slept with, remember her?”
[BURNNN]
Liam: “I didn’t sleep with her.”
Karma: “Yeah, because you’re so discriminating in that department.”
Liam: “She’s my sister!
Mhm. That’s what they all say.
Junior Mint for the road?
Don’t worry, this isn’t a Flowers in the Attic remake, that already happened.
Back at Chez Fawcett, Amy’s dressing up for her big date with Jasmine from Syzzor. “It’s a little too ‘I’m trying to be a professional lesbian,'” says Shane of her outfit, and Amy wonders if she should go “more lipstick.” This reminds me of me, except I was 23 and didn’t know if I should go as Shane or Bette. It was a very trying time.
Hey sweetie Selena Gomez called and she wants her outfit back and is also wondering if you saw her ex at Twain
Shane: “What happened to just wanting to be yourself?”
Amy: “That was before she was cute. And myself would wear my donut shirt and bacon shirts.”
Shane: “It is unfortunate that your favorite clothes are food-themed.”
SLASH AMAZING. Then Karma calls, of course, and Amy’s cracking under pressure, it has been 15 hours!!! But she resists the urge to answer. Shane says Amy is putting way too much pressure on Jasmine and this one little lady-date and also that she shouldn’t let Jasmine rub Amy’s bottle until Date Two.
I mean even my photo of her is a picture of her about to kiss me, how pathetic is that
As she ventures into these uncharted territories, he’ll be waiting at home reading her diary. Just kidding, he’s gonna creep on Lauren!
Time to call The Bling Ring
Unfortunately, Lauren’s naked on her bed snapping a selfie, so they both scream bloody horror and Shane re-closes the door, only to re-open it a moment later to declare “bad angle, wrong lighting, add filter.”
Ugh, A makes me do the weirdest shit sometimes
Lauren yells for him to shut the door but quickly changes her mind because she’s straight and he’s queer, there was like, AN ENTIRE SHOW ABOUT IT on Bravo like a decade ago.
see
Cut to Amy’s date with Jasmine, who indeed is smokin’ hot and also sort of casually femme in a Karma-esque way and she’s telling Amy about how everyone at her school is super gross about her being gay. Also, she totally read about Amy being homecoming queen (probs on Autostraddle) and was really jealous and impressed.
I mean, I’m not opposed to sex in public places, if that’s what you’re into…
Amy’s like oh yeah, I guess my school pretty cool and I should stop hating on it, but Jasmine says it’s okay to hate high school ’cause it’s high school and everybody hates it, and then they both say “it’s like World War II” at the same time. YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS WE HAVE A LOVE MATCH!!!!!
Yup, yup, I’m picturing you naked in my head right now and I’m pretty into it
Jasmine leans in and starts telling Amy about how she got a Vespa and rode it into the canyons last weekend but before she can invite Amy on a wild Vespa ride into the horizon, Amy inexplicably leaps across the table, tries to kiss her, is pushed off with a “whoah, dude” and then Amy runs away.
Is that Burberry?
Um, if you wanna know what fragrance I’m wearing, you could just ask me?
I’M SORRY I HAVE TO GO TO PERFUMANIA RIGHT NOW
You guys, Amy is not very good at this.
Back at Chez Fawcett, Shane’s taking super-sexy glamour shots of Lauren, who is very petulant but eventually appreciative of how hot she looks without even having to show her boobs.
Shane: “I just can’t stop changing lives today.”
Okay give me your best “I know Amy is my sister, but we’re not BLOOD related” facial expression
Snap back to the aborted lady date, which Amy is apparently now attending from outside the building on a bench. Jasmine, because lesbians are awesome and kind, comes around the bend.
Amy: “Can we just pretend that didn’t happen? That coffee shop brings out the worst in me.”
Jasmine: “As much as I’d like to think that kiss is ’cause you find me irresistible, I’m sensing there’s something else going on.”
Psychic!
Amy: “I kissed my best friend Karma and now nothing makes sense.”
I’m sorry I just have this thing when a girl wears a leather jacket where I can’t control myself
Jasmine says she’s “been there” and Amy just about leaps out of her pants with excitement to discover she has somebody she can relate to! Silly Amy, she should’ve just read this thread. Or this April Fools joke.
Jasmine: “Oh yeah, being with her was torture, not being with her was torture. I wanted to tell her but I knew I’d risk everything if I did.”
Amy: “Yeah exactly. What did you do?”
Jasmine: “I finally told her.”
Amy: “And?”
Jasmine: “And, I’m on a date with you.”
WOMP WOMP.
So uh, wanna hit up Peter Pan Mini Golf
Jasmine says that maybe it’ll be different for Ames and Karm-Karm, but if it isn’t, Amy can call her, call her anytime, and then Jasmine can help her “pick up the pieces,” which is code for “have lesbian sex.” Or um, “hook up, bond, nest and fall in love.”
So if I took a diflucan yesterday, it should be better by now, right?
Cut to the art room of death and metal, where Liam is banging things with a large rod. I actually wrote that sentence without realizing the double meaning, I want you to know that. I’M TEN STEPS AHEAD OF MYSELF.
Must Make Giant Dildo For Lesbian Friend
Anyhow Karma wants to apologize, but Liam is still pissed and finally admits the truth: HIS FAMILY OWNS SKORKLE, and his sister’s gonna take over the business after his Dad retires, and it’s all a BIG secret. Only Shane knows the truth. I’d be so annoyed because let’s be real, Liam’s family probably has a pool, and if you have a pool, you should let your friends come over and swim in your pool, not walk around with all your secrets like a big Scrooge. It’s not complicated, Liam.
Ok first you said you wanted it to be glass and this big, and now you want it to be stone and THIS big? Make up your mind.
Karma comments that Liam must be super-rich, but Liam says money turned his entire family into assholes and he wants nothing to do with it! No money for Liam! He is gonna be really surprised to find out that not having any money also makes you really cranky and can also make people act like assholes. Ah, youth. Before you find out that people are just who they are, and all money changes is how precisely that plays out. He should take all their money and give it to Autostraddle, duh.
Just be honest with me Liam, do you have a hot tub
Liam says actually his family is WAY more fucked up than he could ever explain, and Karma attempts to relate, saying her family is image-conscious but in the other direction, and she never felt like they liked her very much until she came out, and she worries that her sexual orientation is the most interesting thing about her. Actually the most interesting thing about her is her parents, but whatever. “It isn’t,” says Liam, belting like a caveman surrounded by ceramics.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her for a junior mint.
Then sexy music starts and he finishes his sentence and I go to the refrigerator and get some string cheese and some cashews, my favorite afternoon snack, and nibble on them for a bit until talking parts happen again, namely the part where Karma says she’s ready to Get Jack in The Orchard but he says, “Sorry, I can’t.” Karma looks like she’s about to cry, sadface.
I can’t believe you actually read Bustle.
Back at Chez Fawcett, Shane really is reading Amy’s diary when she shows up and says the girl was fantastic but Amy messed it all up. Shane says she’s gotta get back on the horse, but Amy says she doesn’t want to, she just wants Karma. Shane declares her an official Karmasexual. She flops onto the bed in despair.
Uh, I wouldn’t necessarily lie on that part of the bed if I were you, I got supes bored earlier
Now it’s time for The Talk. The What Are You Gonna Do About Your Crush On Your Straight Best Friend, Ya Big Weirdo Talk.
Shane: “Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
Amy: “She’s been my best friend since kindergarten, if I tell her things will get weird and we’ll drift apart until one day we’ll meet in line at the grocery store and say polite hellos and pretend like we didn’t once know everything there was to know about each other.”
Firstly, knowing they’ve been besties since kindergarten is very useful information and makes a lot of sense. Secondly… well. I hope this works out.
It’s okay, nobody likes season four. Just skip to season five, and then also skip season six, mmk?
Shane: “Or you tell her and she feels the same way and live happily ever after.”
Amy: “Yeah right.”
Shane: “I’ve seen you two together, she’s always kissing you or holding your hand, it’s pretty clear she loves you.”
Amy: “As a friend.”
Shane: “She’s been texting you all day, I’ve never seen so much emoji abuse! She’s clearly got her own version of your crazy going on.”
Amy: “No, it’s not the same.”
Basically the takeaway here is that Shane is a Karmy shipper — he sees the sexual tension (don’t we all!) and he wants it to mean something, because he wants to believe, against all odds, that we too can have nice things.
How bloodshot are my eyes really do you think my Mom will know that I’m stoned?
Shane: “How do you know? Maybe, just maybe, she feels the same way about you but is also too scared to say so. After all it takes two people to make a good kiss.”
Amy: “What about her obsession with Liam?”
Shane: “Classic overcompensation. I pined after Emily Michaels, the most unavailable girl in third grade, because deep down I didn’t want her to be available. You’ll never figure this out from hiding from her.”
Unfortunately, Amy and Shane are not privy to the Karma/Liam romance we’ve been forced to endure for all these beautiful minutes of our tiny young lives. Then they would know that it’s not overcompensation, it’s just… Karma actually liking Liam. But she also really clearly likes Amy. I don’t know you guys. I JUST DON’T KNOW. If Alex was here, she would tell me about that time she got her straight best friend in high school to be her girlfriend for like two years. But it wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows, I can tell you that. Although in an odd twist, if Karma picks Amy, she’ll be making her parents happy. In another odd twist, I don’t really like Karma, so. But also, I always vote for the lesbian couple, like, as a rule. What do you guys think?
Um does anybody know how to make my phone stop playing the Sex and the City theme song
As if on cue, Amy’s phone starts a-buzzing and Amy picks up. “Karma? Hey.” AND SCENE.
Jenny? It’s Marina. I can’t stop thinking about you.
Here’s everything I know about next week’s episode: There will be some wedding-related situations with Amy and Lauren’s parents, Liam will talk to Karma about his feelings and Liam and Shane will go to Twain to get some tail. Oh, and there will probably be lots of suggestive sexual tension between Amy and Karma. Just guessing.
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If you squint, Oliver looks like Rachel Maddow, and I love that about him. It’s a great quality for a straight man to have.
He’s sort of like a Rachel Maddow / Ira Glass lovechild
Currently considering if I identify as a RachelMaddowsexual (n.)- someone who is only attracted to people who look like Rachel Maddow.
I’d say it’s fairly accurate
1. As a QWOC also named Jasmine I know which ship-train I’m jumping on if Karma wants to be blissfully oblivious (I feel like it’s not even obliviousness I think she’s just too self-centred for her own good?)
2. Shane, Amy and Oliver could have a beautiful friendship type thing because Oliver seems nice/like he’d a be good friend if he refrains from jumping Amy’s bones, tryna get her digittssss.
3. Does Shane’s actually really helpful fashion advice give a new meaning to ‘you’re looking very Shane today?’ or are we sticking with the old saying?
AND P.S THE SHOW’S CREATOR SAID THAT KARMA IS STRAIGHT “for now” #IBELIEVE
re: 1. I was SO super into the Jasmine possibility, and I am going to be really disappointed if this is her last appearance on the show and I also fear that it is. Like I’ve already imagined their entire relationship and it was really cute and perfect. What if in the finale, Karma rejects Amy, and then Amy calls someone but we don’t know who, and then we cut to Amy opening the door and Jasmine is there and then next season they are cute girlfriends in a pillow fort watching the goonies. What then.
re: 2. I would very much like Oliver to be Amy’s lesbro.
re: 3. Yes.
Honestly my ideal situation is for Amy and Jasmine to date and then it ends up being like ‘YASSSS Karma you never knew what you had until you lost it’ and then hopefully it leads to some highly watchable angst /or/ Amy and Jasmine just ride off into the sunset on their tricked out vespa, everyone is happy and we get to see Amy and Karma being cute friends in any capacity again.
Jumping onto the Jasmine bandwagon here! Definitely hoping this isn’t Jasmine’s last appearance, I’m all for those two getting together and having sweet lesbian romances and adopting lots of cats together. Maybe that’s a little too soon, but I’m down for at least a second date?
Omigod, if Karma has supreme angst and regret watching Amy and Jasmine ride off in the sunset together, this show would be pure perfection for me.
Ugh. Karma’s personality annoys me so much. So self absorbed.
Funny though – my first date was with a girl who had a Vespa.
“Now the lesbians will HAVE to like me, I’m COVERED IN KALE”
As if I weren’t already wholly, unironically enjoying this show, these recaps put it over the top. *rubs face all over article*
I love this show with every fiber of my being and I love reading your recaps because it reminds me that these quotes aren’t just Riese writing witty banter, IT’S THE ACTUAL DIALOGUE OF THE SHOW.
Help I’ve fallen and I can’t stop karmy
Also, I thought that Karma was dressed up as a sprig (bud?) of marijuana in that picture in her parents’ van, but alas, no.
And I’m DEEPLY offended that Liam is trying to manipulate solid metal without heating it first. I get that you’re angry, dude, but it’s just common sense.
They really need to make Karma more likable. Super fast. Maybe next week will be a good time for it, since it seems like she’ll be spending a lot of the episode with Amy and not with Liam. But until then I’m hoping Amy calls Jasmine back. SHE HAS A VESPA AND A LEATHER JACKET.
I was also highly offended by Liam not heating the iron up first. It solidified for me that he is an idiot and that I get way too invested in MTV teen dramas.
THANK YOU. He’s such an idiot. We saw him “welding” in the first episode and yet he doesn’t know this basic shit? That’s the last straw, Liam.
This show makes me want to jump off a cliff from feelings, but I love it so much.
Also I like Karma? Or at least, I don’t dislike her. Yes, her Liam obsession is annoying and she’s self-centered and kind of an idiot, but she also clearly really loves Amy. (Maybe just in a platonic way, but she loves her.) And she’s 15. Because I’m an adult who regularly watches shows about teenagers, I sometimes have to remind myself that teenagers can be really obnoxious.
Oh wow, she’s only supposed to be 15? I’ve seen every episode four times but somehow missed that, ha. It’s so confusing because the actors are so much older, it’s hard to remember that their characters are still kids, really.
Yup. I think its in the scene when Karma and Amy are fighting by the lockers, Karma says something like, “I’m a 15-year-old girl, I’m supposed to like the hottest guy in school.” (But thankfully the actresses are both in their early 20s.)
Oh I thought she said “I’m a teenage girl” not “I’m a 15-year-old girl”?
In the third episode, Amy says, “You don’t get someone to fall in love with you; they fall in love with you because of who you are,” and Karma says, “Yeah, well, I’ve been me for 15 years and no one’s fallen for me. Except for you!”
That’s it. I knew she said “15” at some point, just couldn’t remember exactly when. (I’m more than twice her age, my memory is going.)
Ì’m actually so in love with Amy’s everything, it might be a problem???
Is that why your name is Amy
No haha my name was Amy long before this Amy even existed :P
I only have a couple thoughts beyond thank you Riese for the hilarity/photo captions:
1. Anatomy girl from the coffee shop totally made me think of Rachael Leigh Cook in She’s All That.
2. I kinda love how many AS articles are applicable to the issues of this show and that you link to them. I mean that has to be a measure of some success on their part of hitting some right notes.
3. People posting huffington post articles not AS: GASP!! I’m clutching pearls over here!
Karma: “I’m worried that my sexuality is the most interesting thing about me.”
Obviously you are not in the clone club. #CosimaFTW
Comment award!
#cloneclubbers
Wait but what if *plot twist* Olly is a trans girl who hasn’t come out/figured it out yet and then she and Amy could both go to college together and than she could come out to Amy one night and it would be touching and sweet and I’d feel all the feelings and then they could become best lesbian friends forever!
Is it to early in this show to have well-developed trans head cannons for minor characters?
No wait, I’ll answer my own question; it’s NEVER too early.
if it’s too early then it was too early for us to have a conversation about EXACTLY THAT IDEA like five hours ago in our virtual officechat, so in other words no it’s def not too early
I’m SO GLAD I’m not the only one! Cause last episode Olly said this thing:
“I watch students in their natural habitat because I don’t understand them even though I’m supposed to be one.”
And I was like . . . Girl, I see you.
“You guys, Amy is not very good at this.”
I laughed out loud so hard at that. Understatement. The whole sequence was a level of stereotyped-based humour but funny-hilarious Glee wishes it could do.
I was way more invested in Jasmine than I should have been, she was perrrrfeeect. (I ship it)
Did anyone think the LIAM SMASH WITH HAMMER was him in 100% Neanderthal mode? It always irks me when irritated/angry men are presented in that way, needing to let things out through weirdly aggressive physical activities… I guess the scene wouldn’t have the same effect if he went off and started composing poetry.
Also, I want to second the baby dyke PSA; I got so used to nesty types I was legitimately confused when I met my first casual-type lesbian date… she had blue hair like Lea Seydoux and now I can’t unsee blue hair as a trait for commitment issues. It’s a problem, you guys.
Also also, I didn’t realise Kristen Stewart groupies was a thing, where can I find my people?
As the show goes along all I keep thinking is “God Amy is perfect.” I have no idea why I am so attached to her (yeah I do) but damn. I may or may not casually ship Amy and Jasmine now. And the question of the century is WHERE IS IVY?
You write these lines like “Who makes your no-no place say YES YES?” and I think that you made that up to approximate the idea of what the characters said in a humorous way and then I watch the show and no, that is actually what they said.
That is why I love this show. The dialogue is just hilariously genius and super realistic.
TBH, this episode really disappointed me. It appears they use the old trope “she’s only gay for her” for Amy, that she’s not into girls, she’s merely “Karma-sexual”. Which is really disheartening, because it encourages damaging myths about female same-sex sexuality – like desexualization, that it’s all about romantic feelings (notice Shane’s speech), that it’s person-focused (we women can’t feel lust toward other women, we must always be attracted to their personality, and all the rest is accessory), that it’s “fluid” and never exclusive. Those “accidental” mentions about Amy crushing on some lifeguard, who given the context was probably male, weren’t accidental at all.
Rita Volk said in some interview that she will be really disappointed if Amy doesn’t end up gay (she said that in response to Covington’s words that he doesn’t know where Amy’s path would lead). Which, especially considering last episode, gives away that it will be open to interpretation at the end of the season. That she only has feelings for Karma, and that’s it. So in next season they can just make her end up with a guy and not even explain anything, since when it comes to girls she only ever had feelings for Karma.
I said before I would be disappointed if she doesn’t turn out to be lesbian as well (because of very small representation of actual lesbian characters in TV, and because of all that show’s tease which suggested until last episode that she’s gay), but it seems it can be even worse, perpetuation of damaging myths about female s/s attraction in general, not only about lesbians.
And of course, apart of that it seems they already try to make the d-bag who wants to turn lesbian more likeable without ever calling him out on anything. And apparently it works. “Alright, I’ll give it to Liam. He isn’t as douchey as we thought he was. Good move”. Tweet further promoted by show’s official Twitter account.
I didn’t think the “Karma-sexual” comment was meant to imply that Amy is only “gay for Karma.” Shane says that after Amy says she doesn’t want another girl, or another boy. She only wants Karma. That doesn’t necessarily mean she’s only attracted to Karma, just that right now she only wants to be with Karma. She was definitely open to the idea of dating other girls, but she needs to sort out her feelings for Karma first. Or at least that was my take on it.
Yeah, Amy’s like, what, 16? At that age, you can’t imagine a world without the people you’re currently with. Like, at that age, I couldn’t fathom a world without my bestest friends, but now almost a decade later I don’t keep in contact with most of them. My first relationship? I thought it was going to last forever because why would I want to find other people attractive if I’m ~~sooooo in love with the person I’m with?
I feel like a lot of the problems in representation of queer sexuality are just overlooking the fact that they’re teenagers talking with other teenagers. At this stage, emotionally, it’s like the blind leading the blind.
Amy’s scenes make my heart go BumpBump like I’m 16 again.
moarplz mtv
Does anyone else keep thinking of Shania every time you see/hear the word “twain”, or is that just the Canadian in me coming out again?
I can’t think of anything besides “Twat:The Night” from The L Word
Although that’s pretty much all I ever think about
re: Twat the Night, there’s a lesbian night in London called Twat Boutique
The bit about the grocery store killed me because that happened to me with my high school best friend, except it was a movie theater.
I hope Karma rejects Amy because I want Amy to date Jasmine who is HOT and AWESOME and has really good taste in clothes.
I think Shane was my other favourite character this episode because everything he did was charming and supportive, while I am so mad the show went down the “Liam is totes redeemable” route instead of showing that even if he’s nice to Karma, he still thinks he’s trying to convert a lesbian!!
I thought that at the end when Liam didn’t want to hook up with Karma anymore, that it was because he was starting to have actual feelings for her and he’s been hurt blah blah soo I’m not sure (if that is the case) that his refusal to have sex with her would be indicative of him realizing the error in his ways or just an element of his fear of sex+emotions+commitment etc.
Currently watching episode 3, currently downloading episode 4, so far I’m enjoying this series and ofcourse these recaps of yours, Riese!
“Props to Amy for having one shot of espresso in a situation I usually faced with some uppers and a vitamin water bottle filled with vodka”. Truth be told.
Riese, you are my favourite reviewer ever. I am hungover as sin and at work but this recap actually made me smile, so thank you.
I am super in love with Amy, I actually find Karma endearing in a masochistic way. So Karmy would be pretty great imo. (There’s no way you can deny the actresses’ chemistry)
At this point I want Karmy if only because of the fact that Rita Volk and Katie Stevens have such great chemistry.
Since we’re being honest, I usually faced the situation with Green Dragon cocktails and MDMA. heh oh I hope we were actually being honest.
Amy accidentally said “gurlfriend” instead of “girlfriend” exactly like I do all the time!
Considering that, in hindsight, I probably had a crush on Princess Jasmine as a child, I really appreciated all of the gay “Aladdin” jokes about Amy’s date.
I am just loving these recaps. And I would love to watch the show, but I fear my perception of it is just bettered by these recaps and the tumblr GIFs. Maybe the show (for me) isn’t about how it’s scripted or acted itself, but more about the subjects that it touches, the characters it builds (or tries to build) and the way it’s translating it for the next generation…
“But also, I always vote for the lesbian couple, like, as a rule. What do you guys think?”
But that’s just it – they’re not a lesbian couple, are they?