We then return to Chez Fawcett, where Farrah’s chatting up some Party Down extras brought in for the big day when Lauren, Amy and Karma arrive with what appears to be a bunch of donut holes smashed together in the shape of an enormous Bugle. Enough about cream puffs, Amy’s got a score to settle:

Amy: “You made Lauren your maid of honor.”
Farrah: “Oh honey, I was gonna tell you. I know how you hate doing these girly things. Lauren loves it!”

Explain to me again what you don’t like about this hat

Amy insists that very recently, Lauren hated Farrah. Farrah insists that she thought relieving Amy of maid-of-honor’s duty was doing her a favor because have you seen that movie Bridesmaids? That is a lot of work. Plus, Farrah wants Lauren to feel like a “member of the family.” Lauren fetches Farrah, leaving Karmy alone with a Tower of Krispy Kreme Power and a sad, sad Amy.

Amy: “Lauren may have won this battle, but I will win this war.”

Karma tells Amy to simmer down lest this play out like when that guy stole that thing and they toilet-papered his house only to learn it was in foreclosure. Plus, Lauren’s not really the problem, says Karma, it’s Farrah’s inability to convince the audience that she’s actually Amy’s mother in the first place!

Amy: “What would I do without you?”
Karma: “Lucky for you, we never have to find out.”

Then Lauren comes in to tell them to get a room so she can put a white chair with ribbon on it on the floor. Girls are weird.

Yup that’s right bitches, I’m an actual bird

Back at Twain, Shane and Liam are hitting on the twins, but the twins basically just wanna talk about how the other twin is super perfect and amazing and well-read with great faces, strong hair and nice birthing thighs.

Talk to me about hair gel

When Shane leans down to pick up a gram of heroin he dropped on the floor (jk I forget what he dropped on the floor, don’t worry, this isn’t Degrassi After Dark), he notices that Petra and Peter are um, holding hands. Shane desperately ripcords towards Liam, who doesn’t respond because last night I sucked his brains out of his skull with a straw and replaced it with a jello mold.

Back At the Big Bridal Party Afternoon Celebration of Love, Amy’s wearing dress and Lauren’s leading a trivia game of some kind related to how little Farrah’s new hubbie has been paying attention to what kind of chili she likes to eat.

This is the largest item I’ve ever fit inside my vagina!

and these are the items that always give me yeast infections

A question about Farrah’s favorite meal turns into Lauren and Farrah relaying an anecdote about that HILARIOUS time they went to Luke’s and Dumb ‘Ol Dad ordered PASTA WITH BUTTER!!! HAHAHAHAHA!! That’s a very popular dish amongst toddlers, BTW. I worked at The Olive Garden so I’m very up on these things in general.

Ugh this is definitely a vodka-tonic rather than the VODKA VODKA (tonic) I requested

Amy is clearly bothered by this news, however, probs due to her affection for unlimited Soup & Salad. Then uh, Amy drops her glass on the floor. Oops.

Amy: (incredulous) “I just got so excited you went to Luke’s. It’s my favorite restaurant. What did everybody order?”
Karma:” Okay, we’re just gonna get a broom real fast and clean that up!”

Back at Twain: The Afternoon, Liam and Shane are still stuck in a flirtation situation with The Peppermint Twins. Specifically, Peter’s sharing cell phone pics from previous Halloweens.

Peter: “This is Halloween 2010. Petra is Harry Potter from the books, and I’m Harry Potter from the movies.”
Shane: “Wow, looks like even more fun than Halloween 2009!”
Peter: “Nothing was more fun than Halloween 2009.”

What do you mean you don’t like death metal

Hark! Shane spots some cops across the crowded room, checking IDs and making sure everybody’s wearing three items of appropriately gendered attire. Shane seizes this potentially legally uncomfortable moment to bust this pop stand, but Liam puts up a fight — he was eagerly anticipating a fantastic evening dressing up like Petra and Doing The Wild Donkey Dance with Petra’s hair.

Back at The Bridal Shower, Amy’s given her Mom a mix CD of all the songs they used to listen to on car rides! I hope the Indigo Girls are in there and also “On the Road Again” and maybe “Same Love.” Before Farrah can effectively gush over this thoughtful gift, Lauren butts in to remind her that they’re running eight minutes behind schedule.

It’s got five vibration patterns and intensities and rabbit ears that flutter along the clitoris!

Amy wants to strangle Lauren in a non-sexual way but Karma assures Amy that in merely one hour, they’ll be blissfully hate-watching Twilight and that she shouldn’t stress over whateverthefuck Lauren’s got in her box for Farrah. But even the promise of seven hours of Kristen Stewart isn’t enough to quell the fire in Amy’s gut. Anyhow, Lauren got her mom some comb with jewels on it. What is this, Downton Abbey?

Lauren: “It’s something old, so now you just need to find something new.”
Farrah: “Aw, you’re my something new!”

BARF. Amy starts slow-capping and Karma, realizing she has no control over this situation anymore, declares “Here we go!”

Yup, that’s right, we double-fisted all night long

Amy: “Wow, Lauren. Bravo. What a touching speech. Oscar-worthy, really.”
Farrah: “Amy, what are you doing?”
Amy: “This has gone on long enough mother, there’s something you need to know. Something you ALL need to know. What you just saw is an act.”
Karma: “Sweetums, can I just see you in the kitchen?”
Amy: “Lauren is not the doting stepdaughter to be she wants you to think she is. She hates my Mom. She did all of this to get to me. She’s a sociopath.”
Lauren: “I am not! She’s the crazy one.”

Then Amy starts rambling about ALLLLL the fancy things that Lauren put into this phony shower, like lovely decorations and a giant phallus made of corn syrup, sugar and flour, and how it’s all a big cover-up for Lauren’s actual hatred for Farrah and desire to ruin Amy’s life. This is like that time that Joey Potter got drunk and yelled at everybody except Amy’s not drunk.

Let’s be real ladies, this looks like a really pale pile of cow manure

For Amy’s grand finale, she snatches a hole from the cake situation and thus, the whole thing comes crashing down like Jenga. Then Amy and Lauren start throwing food at each other’s faces but not in a sexy way and Karma tries to pull Amy away and Farrah tries to intervene and ends up with cake in her face and then everybody is sent to their rooms.

OH MY LORD IT’S A THUNDERSTORM OF COW TESTICLES

In the bathroom, the ladies have decided to try and get cake out of their hair with paper towels, which isn’t working because you can’t get cake out of your hair with paper towels. Lauren’s a genius:

Lauren: “This isn’t gonna come out of my hair til I shower.”
Amy: “That’s what she said.”

Amy is also a genius.

Well maybe if you didn’t keep a tube of cake frosting next to your bed, this never would’ve happened

BUT FROSTING IS SO MUCH YUMMIER THAN VEGAN LUBE

Lauren says that although she hated Farrah at first, now she loves her, ’cause they have so much in common, like yogilates, and that Farrah’s her best best friend in this terrible town! HER BEST FRIEND HOW DARE YOU.

Amy’s back in her room with Karma when Farrah comes in, obviously upset, and tells Karma she has to go home. Then she asks Amy if she’s just trying to get revenge on her for having a hard time with Amy being a lesbian.

I just can’t believe you’d put dairy products up Lauren’s vagina right after she told everybody in the room that she had an allergy.

Then she says this, which is awful but also a thing lots of moms feel towards their teenage daughters and maybe pointing it out is just sort of mean, especially when your daughter has just come out:

Farrah: “I don’t know who you are anymore.”

You guys one day Amy is gonna be so relieved that she already came out.

I’m sorry, please don’t take it personally, I think maybe it was just hard to get off with you tonight after spending the entire morning masturbating to Rihanna videos

Elsewhere in this charming village, Shane’s chewing Liam out for risking their spotless criminal records in favor of his relentless pursuit of tail. Liam admits his relentless pursuit of tail was inspired by his relentless crush on this special lady who’s ignoring him even though she’s all he can think about. At first Shane teases him for having real feelings and then when Liam mentions that this Mystery Gal has a girlfriend, Shane knows the score.

Shane: “I knew Karma had a crush on you, but I didn’t know it had gotten that far. This is bad.”
Liam: “They have an open relationship, it’s fine!”
Shane: “Really? So if Amy knew about this you honestly think she’d be okay with it? I don’t get it, you never hook up with girls with boyfriends? Why would a girl with a girlfriend be any different?”

THANK YOU SHANE.

Okay okay you’re right, going to that bathhouse was super-fun

Liam: “That must be why it felt wrong. I have too much integrity.”
Shane: “Uh-huh, which is why you should end this.”
Liam: “Good call, thank you.”

Damn.

Back in Lauren’s bedroom, Lauren’s berating herself for ruining girl’s weekend, but Karma says she still had fun!

Amy: “Yeah, what was more fun? The five hours of traffic or hand-scrubbing cream puffs out of the rug.”
Karma: “I always have fun with you.”

Um, “hand-scrubbing cream puffs out of the rug” is code for “having lesbian sex,” right? Because if it isn’t, it should be.

C’mon a little Icy-Hot between the thighs never hurt anybody

Karma says Farrah’s a dumbnut for not making Amy her maid of honor and that when Karma gets married, Amy will be her maid of honor and vice versa!

Karma: “And then we’ll get houses next door to each other and we’ll grow old together, and when we’re old ladies in our rockers will be like remember that broken bouche.”
Amy: “Maybe we should just marry each other. My mom would love that.”
Karma: “Who cares what your mom thinks? I’m your family.”
Amy: “I know. I’m so lucky.”

Let’s just stay like this forever except naked

They hug and Amy is like, you’re DYING to talk about Liam, aren’t ya? And she is, so then she starts talking about Liam and how they were hooking up but then he pulled away and she thinks it’s probs ’cause he’s not attracted to her anymore.

Karma’s walking back to her house when who should be standing there but Bryan Krakow!?!?! I mean Liam Booker. Liam’s there to tell Karma that he has feelings but Karma tells him it’s okay if he’s not attracted to her, he can totally just go out into the world and be free.

Liam: “Karma!”
Karma: “I said be free!”
Liam: “Karma you’ve got this all wrong.”
Karma: “I do?”
Liam: “Of course I’m attracted to you. How could I not be?”
Karma: “I do have one leg that’s shorter than the other.”

OMG I think I just stepped on a chipmunk

Liam: “It’s Amy.”
Karma: “Amy? Oh, right Amy, my girlfriend.”
Liam: “Look, maybe you two are okay with this sneaking around thing but I’m not. I tried to be, but it’s just not who I am.”
Karma: “I understand.”
Liam: “I wish there was a way that we could do this. Trust me.”

Karma starts walking away, and then she comes up with a terrible idea that won’t solve anybody’s problems: “We could have a threesome?”

I GUESS WE’LL FIND OUT

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