Welcome to the fifth recap of the first season of Faking It, a family game show from the network that brought you Celebrity Rap Superstar and A Double Shot At Love With The Ikki Twins. Obviously this recap is AN ENTIRE WEEK LATE. This is because I was at A-Camp last week and my plan to finish the recap at A-Camp was foiled by A-Camp internet completely breaking down!
We open in Amy’s boudoir, where our leading lady is folding clothes and putting them into her dresser in the manner of an extra in the background of a play, when who should show up but… KARMA!
Guess who bought every silcone-based vibrator at Babeland’s FAKIN’ IT Sale!!
In addition to bringing her nubile bod, Karma’s also brought a re-gifted gift bag full of things that are either terrible, awesome, or terrible/AWESOME: chocolate chip cookie dough, cake frosting and all five Twilight movies on DVD. Karma says they need a “girls’ weekend” ’cause she’s hardly gotten to see her fake girlfriend since they became fake girlfriends and Karma started ramming her tongue down Liam’s enormous facehole.
I mean did you even know there was a such thing as queer feminist porn?
Uh, actually I already own three copies of “How To Fuck In High Heels'”
Unfortunately, Amy’s got plans:
Amy: “It’s my Mom’s lame bridal shower. Save yourself.”
Karma: “From what? Eating crab cakes and making fun of people with my best friend? And I promise no talking about school, lesbians or Liam Booker.”
Amy: Can you handle the withdrawal?”
Karma: “It’s over between us.”
Amy: “We could talk about that.”
Karma: “Nope! I just wanna spend the weekend laughing at your stupid fart jokes.”
To really seal the deal, Karma turns her phone off, which I guess means no kisses for Instagram this episode. Amy trudges downstairs to interact with her mother, who’s dressed like a rich girl in a ’00s MTV reality series about neighborhoods in California and/or B-list celebrities.
Oh, sweetie I was just thinking how bad could it possibly be? I mean, it’s just one little date and he comes from a very good family…
Hey Mom remember the time I told you that I’M TOTALLY FUCKING GAY??!
Remember that time I told you that I don’t give a shit
Amy notes the room’s similarity to Martha Stewart’s jail cell. Then Lauren pops in, being bitchy to somebody on the phone, and Farrah’s gushing over how fantastic Lauren is at Bridal Shower Planning. Amy is like, “ugh.” It’s okay Amy, this happens to all of us girls who are shitty at being girls. Your next move is to find a really feminine Type A girlfriend who can play the role of feminine Type A daughter your mother always longed for, while earning you personality points by proxy. Personally I never accomplished this, because rather than fitting neatly into a butch or femme box, I simply embody all the negative aspects of both stereotypes. I can’t do your hair or fix your cabinet. Luckily I have a butch girlfriend for the cabinet even though neither of us can figure out what to do with our hair. ANYHOW WHERE WAS I
See baby, Lauren’s wearing the gigantic belt I bought her, why can’t you wear yours?
Anyhow enough about me! Amy’s like, are you fucking kidding me, why is she organizing the bridal shower you terrible monsters??!!! Farrah says that Amy’s been supes busy scissoring Karma and besides Lauren’s the best No.2 a No.1 could ask for, she even ordered one of these croquembouche monstrosities for the party.
She read about it in In Style magazine.
Amy: “I’m bringing Karma, she’s staying over.”
Lauren: “You know, I’m not sure it’s appropriate if Amy’s girlfriend stays over for the shower. You know it might make our guests uncomfortable.”
Farrah: “Huh.”
Amy: “What is happening?”
Lauren: “I mean, I wouldn’t be allowed to have a boyfriend stay over, would I? It’s a bit of a double standard.”
Amy: “I met your boyfriend! Clearly you have no standards.”
Just as the true and most severe cost of this charade is clouding the sky over their innocent heads, Farrah blithely approves the sapphic sleepover and also orders Amy and her girlfriend to accompany Lauren on her pilgrimage to Dallas to seize the Fancy Dessert From In Style Magazine.
How dare you take our pet bunny to the pond
Cut to Lauren’s Lovemobile!
The three lovely ladies are caught in Dallas traffic ’cause Amy and Karma needed to stay home ’til they found out whether or not the lady on the teevee box said yes to the dress or not.
Amy: “I know you’re just sucking up to my Mom to make me jealous, and I couldn’t care less.”
Lauren: “Uh, please! I don’t need schemes to make you jealous. Just a mirror.”
Amy: “OKAY! Who wants to play 20 questions? I love 20 questions! What a Game!
So you’re saying that you don’t actually make a full-on “fist” when you’re making your initial ascent?
Karma begs Amy to chill out, then they play 20 Questions the annoying way where you ask just one yes or no questions and then just start guessing at random. Here’s the takeaway: Amy hates Matthew McConaughey, Bristol Palin and Judi Dench.
I wanna listen to Kinky Boots I wanna listen to Kinky Boots
Back in Amazing Austin, Texas, Liam calls Shane to see if he’s up for a “hunting trip.” Don’t worry, they aren’t going to run into the woods and kill bunnies like a pair of wild stallions, they’re going to “hunt” other humans in a love game mating ritual.
Have you ever considered switching to Geico
Shane: “I’m down for everything except for that place with the mechanical bull. I’m not allowed back.”
Yeah, totally we all remember that time at Autostraddle’s Rodeo Disco 2009 when Shane won a signed Uh Huh Her poster:
Anyhow, they’re gonna go out and get laid.
Liam: “I know. I’m thinking The Twain.”
Shane: “Are you sure? I’m down with going to a straight bar. I find your people’s mating rituals very entertaining.”
Liam: “Yeah, but gay bars are always filled with straight girls fresh off breakups.”
Good news: Liam is still a douchebag. He’s in the mood for some “mind-blowing breakup sex.”
Back on the road with the troublesome threesome, Karma’s giving Amy a massage in the backseat as Lauren drives, probs thinking about vitamins and headbands.
That is some gay-ass shit happening back there you weirdos
Lauren: “You two can stop acting like lesbians now okay, I know the truth.”
Amy: “We’re not acting like lesbians, we’re acting like best friends.”
RIGHT OKAY. No, I mean hot damn we have some blurry lines in our lives. I mean let’s be real, it’s not just a thing that happens to gay people; a best friendship between two women can sometimes be just about every aspect of a relationship except the sex.
Oh come on betch you know perfectly well you’ll be getting your inner thigh massage tonight
Lauren: “Please, I was worried you were gonna ask me to crawl back there and join you for a threesome.”
Amy: “Ugh you wish.”
Karma: “Ew.”
I really wanted Karma to be the one who said “ugh, you wish.” Usually that would be a Karma line. IDK clearly it’s time for me to write for this show.
Back at Twain, Nate’s chatting up a Hot Idiot and Shane’s chatting up her boring pretentious BFF.
Hot Girl: “I think it’s so sweet that your best friend is gay. My ex was SUCH a homophobe.”
Liam: “I don’t really see gay or straight, I just see the person.”
BARF.
Ugh why does this girl A keep texting me if she’s never gonna put out
Hot Girl: “OHH, that’s so sweet! And look how well your Shane is getting along with my Nate! That’s adorable.”
Not gonna lie, Shane and Nate are not getting along, SHE’S LYING.
Shane: “So what’s your favorite movie?”
Nate: “My favorite films explore the natural destruction caused by 9/11.”
Shane: “You know what I just realized that my parents are getting divorced and I no longer believe in love, please excuse me.”
Before Liam can seal the deal, Shane pops out the ripcord signal.
I TOLD YOU this was the guy who started fucknoshane.tumblr.com!
Liam’s irked, ’cause he was about to Lay Some Pipe with a hot girl, but Shane insists the bar is filled with Tragic Humans who are The Worst. But then twins come in and they get excited because that’s what boys do in movies and on teevee shows when hot twins exist.
Yes, it’s us, the dazzling new face of Polo Ralph Lauren’s White Party Collection
Snap on over to a Dallas dimension where it’s still daylight: The terrific threesome have arrived at the bakery just in time for it to not be open.
ME WANT CAKE
Karma says they can just get a different cake, but Lauren says that for the last time, it’s not a cake, it’s a croquembouche, and Kim Kardashian built a castle out of ten billion croquembouches and then had a baby on it and Jennifer Love Hewitt uses it as a douche and Reese Witherspoon made a gingerbread house out of it and then ate it and then put it in her hair and wore it to an awards show with lots of sugar-high ponies around her and NOTHING BUT A CROQUEMBOUCHE WILL DO, NOTHING WILL BE AS GOOD AS A CROQUEMBOUCHE COULD EVER BE EVER. THE CROQUEMBOUCHE WILL SURVIVE US ALL.
Work of Art By Chronic Intern Grace
Amy can’t help but laugh, which inspires Lauren to declare:
Lauren: “You are a HORRIBLE PERSON. No wonder your Mom made me her maid of honor.”
Oh shit. Now Amy’s sad FOR REAL.
Look I’m just saying it takes a lot of oomph to get me off
I USED MY WHOLE HAND!!!
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The absolute best line of this article is “You guys one day Amy is gonna be so relieved that she already came out.”
Thinking the exact same thing
Can we send Liam with Kim and Kanye (that picture was pure gold btw) and take that croquembouche? That‘s a threesome I’d rather watch.
Also, I think that my bunny has a crush on Amy too (you and me both, bunny, you and me both)
OMG i think i just stepped on a chipmunk <– this caption was the highlight of my week. (clearly i didn't go to A camp.)
HA!
“You know what I just realized that my parents are getting divorced and I no longer believe in love, please excuse me.”
This line killed me during the episode.
I’m mostly just glad that I don’t have to watch the show anymore to enjoy this amazing recap. So much more efficient!
I had never even heard of a croquembouche before this episode, they are not particularly appealing. I really don’t understand why annoying blond girl was so insistent on having one.
Yay! I love this show. And these recaps. I want more of Lauren, Amy, & Karma all hanging out together, that little scene in the car was great.
AND NOW ITS ALMOST TIME FOR THE NEXT EPISODE YAY!
“Um, ‘hand-scrubbing cream puffs out of the rug’ is code for ‘having lesbian sex,’ right?” Yes. Yes it is.
My girlfriend now wants a croquembouche at our wedding.
call me old but this show makes me weep. there is nothing funnay about this. I am old tho
Am I the only one who really likes Lauren? I feel like she hasn’t been 2D since like episode one and a lot of what she says holds a lot of truth. She’s definitely not as bad/evil to the core/bigoted as her character’s archetype could be. She’s just kind of fiery and adjusting to her new life I guess.
aNYwaYs,, the recap was worth the wait, so thanks! ^__^
Whoa, I had no idea that the croquembouche is a real thing! I thought it was just Faking It’s fictional version of the cronut or something. Clearly I’m not in the know about the trendiest pastries.
I would also like to point out that Lauren pushed Amy and Karma away by the boobs when she was moving the bridal shower white chair.
I have so many feelings about Amy and Karma. But I can’t yet put it all into words because, just like the characters, my feelings are still developing into full, understandable thoughts. I just know that I can relate to Amy so much, with all of her confusing feelings and the complicatedness that is female friendship.
“Hot damn we have some blurry lines in our lives. I mean let’s be real, it’s not just a thing that happens to gay people; a best friendship between two women can sometimes be just about every aspect of a relationship except the sex.” Yes, Riese, exactly this! Female friendship can be such a complex thing. How do I understand it?
I haven’t seen this show, my girlfriend seems to love it though.
I’m actually just really happy I got to literally see this article being written today. Back when I first started reading Autostraddle I wouldn’t have thought that I’d one day get to know the people behind this. <3
I'm going to watch this episode now~
I just want to say that I’m still shaking because of last night’s episode, seriously Karmy please get married. all the feels
Same! I can’t wait to hear Riese’s thoughts on it
I’ve given up watching the actual show because the recaps are just way better and if the storyline picks up I can go back to it without having to sit through the excruciating Liam scenes. Kind of difficult to follow it sometimes though when there are lots of name mistakes flying around. (There was a Nate/Shane/Liam situation back there were basically all the male names were everywhere!)
So is this show queerbaiting? Curious for your opinions. Amy’s queer. But if the show is just about a queer girl pining for her straight best friend…don’t have time for that. Suggestion of 3some? My eyes rolled out of my damn head when I read that.
Oh, and I don’t actually watch the show (no teevee) but every week I check AS for recap. I’m pretty sure these are better than anything the show would do anyway.
That massage could have gotten even hotter, which reminded of the time when Claire got an intense massage on Modern Family…
Funny video clip of the scene
I thought that I’d hate this show, but I actually kind of love it.
ALSO last year for my birthday my little sister made me a croquembouche and it was a gazillion times prettier than that one.
She filled the profiteroles with vanilla cream and chocolate custard and then she dipped them in toffee and rolled 1/2 in raw sugar and 1/2 in pink sugar and then she set them into the cone in a pink and gold spiral. And then she draped the whole thing in a spun sugar cloud.
She’s 16. And amazing. Yup.
“I mean let’s be real, it’s not just a thing that happens to gay people; a best friendship between two women can sometimes be just about every aspect of a relationship except the sex.” THIS IS SOMETHING I AM JUST LEARNING, and it is freaking amazing.
Also I wish you wrote for this show, but then it would probably be too good and get canceled because that’s what happens to really good shows it seems.
this recap is gold, as always (just mainlined all the eps, hence the ~week delay in posting, ha). also, i relate SO much to this: “Personally I never accomplished this, because rather than fitting neatly into a butch or femme box, I simply embody all the negative aspects of both stereotypes.”
love how you fold that super real stuff into hilarious recaps of a teen show.