Picture this: You’re at your weird family member’s house for the holidays and you’re feeling trapped. First of all, that’s pretty insensitive of you considering there’s an entire girl’s soccer team trapped in the wilderness and they don’t even have iPhones to help them cope because it’s the 90s. Second of all, you’ve probably already exhausted all of your go-to excuses to leave the family event on Thanksgiving. So, you’re in need of some new ways to get out of family obligations before you reach your limit of microaggressions or lines of questioning about your lifestyle or dead-end conversations with your cousin of the same age but wayyyy different TikTok algorithm.
That’s where I come in! I am here to provide you with foolproof excuses to get you out of your family’s holiday plans:
1. “Oh my God, I have to go. My friend is having a psychotic break and playing makeover with a corpse.”
2. “I don’t mean to be rude, but a wolf literally just ripped off half my friend’s face.”
3. “I wish I could stay for dessert, but I actually just found out my friend from high school started a cult upstate and she really needs my help.”
4. “As much as I’d like to stay for caroling, a tradition you know I love, I do have to go. It’s hard to explain. My friend is going through a rough patch in her marriage because her husband is her dead best friend/lesbian lover’s high school boyfriend. Just her luck, she recently got in a fender bender with some guy and you know, he caught her at a really vulnerable time and so the two of them sparked a romance. I know. It’s bad. Anyway, she just killed that guy. So I have to go to his art studio and help clean up.”
5. “Hold that thought, Grandma. My team just made nationals.”
6. “SHIT! You know that timeshare cabin I got with some friends in the Canadian Wilderness? No? Okay I literally Instagram it all the time. Well it just burned down, so I have to call my insurance company.”
7. “I’m going to have to miss the Die Hard rewatch this year, guys. My friend’s little brother is being hunted through the wilderness by some teenage girls and I have a bad feeling the wilderness is going to choose him.”
8. “You’re never going to believe this. My wife sacrificed our dog at the altar.
9. “Ahh, I gotta go! My friend Laura Lee just took off on her very first flight as a pilot! Everyone’s going to go watch by the lake. Oh wait. Shit. I gotta go to my friend Laura Lee’s funeral.”
10 “I wish I didn’t have to go! But my girlfriends and I are bringing back the hunt.”
