Welcome to Excerpts From My Super-Secret Diary, a new A+ feature for Silver & Gold members in which we publish for you the incomplete and/or highly personal thoughts we’ve written on paper with actual pens. Today Laneia has plucked some lines and paragraphs and entries from her 2013 diary for you, here, now.

1.

“I really want to know what my actual potential is. I mean I genuinely think I could be good at this.”

2.

“I think the thing to do might be to bring myself back to where my body is, but I don’t know how. I keep making lists — things like How To Be Gone Without Really Leaving — but the defeated feeling of my body being here makes it even harder to do things.”

3.

“Just some insufficient words about Slade turning 15. I had an all-out meltdown Friday night, for the reasons moms have meltdowns about their children getting older, closer to leaving, etc. I told Megan that I’d known I didn’t deserve him since before he was born. I cried about losing him and she let me, then told me I was normal and everything was fine.

The thing is that I know he’s an amazing person, an amazing 15 year old. I watched him be so unselfconsciously gracious at the Christmas party. I see him not ever treat me like shit. I just don’t know how I got him, or if I deserve to have someone like him. And I’m always worried he’ll die young? I really am. That is a super fucked up thing to say and feel! Especially because I’m pretty sure I feel that way because I don’t think I deserve him.

But we march on! March march. Also for the record, he’s being a total asshole to his brother right now, so.”

4.

“Note: the smell of fresh wet vegetables reminds me of Bonnaroo, because that’s the only time I ever smell dirt now. This is not ok.”

5.

“Today’s goals are very simple. Complete the task list by 7pm, sit down on sofa with beer to watch my Alaska reruns.”

6.

“Figuring out a new iPhone is the loneliest feeling.”

7.

“Discussing loss of weirdness with Rachel. I proposed we take a week or a month to get weird again — try different methods, take notes, consult with one another — and then write about it.

Because what we mean when we say weird is really just ‘real’ or like, untouched/phased by the rest of the world. I actually enjoyed thinking I was the only person who thought X, and the internet made it so we could find and connect with other people who also thought X, and learn we aren’t alone. And that’s great for a little bit, but now I just want to feel unique again.”

8.

“It’s probably normal and ok that I had to take an hour long nap just now.”

9.

“Let’s live, yeah? Let’s quit hiding and not being here and let’s see what living looks like.”

10.

“It was hard not to have unrealistic scenarios playing in my head while I showered. I tried having realistic ones, but they never got very far and I kept having to start over.”

11.

“I wonder why I’m always so shocked/impressed when someone gets me? I mean I’m not that bizarre, yet it’s so impressive. Must stop this.”

12.

“A couple of months ago, I said “I’m going to remember Lemoore in the springtime,” and I have been. I think about it all the time. I might not know how to be happy right now and because of right now, but I’m really fucking good at reliving things forever and ever amen.”

13.

“I went to bed earlier than usual (12:30) and felt like a normal human beast this morning.

But now that it’s after 9pm, and I’m listening to Belle & Sebastian and occasionally accidentally clicking on the tab with the unfinished blog draft, I’m wondering. I’m wondering what success looks like.”

14.

“Today I’m going to remember spring in Lemoore — specifically that year Slade and I planted the hot pink flowers in the backyard, and driving to Emma’s house and her huge backyard and my eternally optimistic plans. And I’m going to think about the gnomes.”

15.

“The summer was a _____________. It was over too soon. It was sadder than it should’ve been. It wasn’t as sweet as I wanted. But it was mine, and I definitely made it. There are things worth talking about, and things I’ve beaten into the ground already. Paul McCartney on a stage singing Blackbird. Me not making time to see my sisters or my grandmother. Megan playing with kittens. Staying up with Mama on the back porch, playing John Prine and Paul Simon and crying when we could. Running up to the truck from the creek in the rain with Megan. Everything with Megan.”

16.

“I’m also only wearing the things I want to wear. Fuck a bunch of fucking jeans and fucking v-necks. I’d rather just not leave that house than wear that shit again.”

17.

“So far this week I’ve been unexpectedly refunded over $10 from online businesses. Considering this a win, a real victory.”

18.

“How is it possible that I am so averse to visiting the post office? Do I have a fear of completing tasks?”

19.

“I decided not be an adult last night and drank 5 or 6 beers — 6! It was 6 — AND smoked AND had some of the aforementioned granola before crawling into bed at circa 2am.

And I don’t regret a thing.

That’s the important part of the story.

Tonight I made a moderately good quiche and applied for media passes to the GLAAD Awards in NYC and secured a +1 pass for a writer at SXSW. So what I’m saying is I am very busy and important.

I read a sample of the book Closer to the Ground — about a family living semi-sustainably in Puget Sound. Is it on Puget Sound?

I still have nothing for Blog Anything and Riese is probably going to kill me.

I think I’m very smart when I’m high, but I never actually am. This is another tragic difference between Riese and me.

The new batch of toothpaste tastes like salted pot and I’m getting my hair cut to my mid-neck. Just haven’t made the appointment yet.

Strongly considering having the word “immemorial” tattooed on my person. Immemorial. I read it last night in an article on the Big Dipper, because I was looking up ‘plough star,’ because of that line in the Camera Obscura song. Maybe that should be played at my funeral. It’s terribly sad and beautiful.”

20.

“Took a nap around noon today and dreamed I was buying products for myself, but these products were aimed at tween girls, and I was older than I am now. I kept thinking “I don’t feel too old to want these things…””

21.

“And I feel like I just came to terms with having kids. Like I finally get what a big deal it is. I realize that sounds absolutely stupid, but for however many years, I just felt like YES I’VE GOT THIS, STAND BACK. And now I’m like SHIT WAIT HAVE I TOTALLY FUCKED THIS UP. This is unrelated except to say that I’m in a constant state of feeling out of time. I kinda even already feel like I’ve squandered Bonnaroo 2013 which is LUDICROUS because IT HASN’T EVEN HAPPENED YET.”

22.

“Like I want to reinvent the wheel so I can smash it with a fucking hammer etc.”

23.

“I went with her on a walk and the grass was like sopping wet shag carpet. We went to the hidden park across the street. A little girl — maybe 2 yrs old — was on the playground equipment and her tall people were sitting on a bench to the side, sort of tucked off in the corner where the little patch of trees began. The woman kept saying “We’re right here! We’re not going anywhere!.” The little girl’s named was Claire.

I gave Megan the wish to make and the she found one for me, but I must not have had the courage of my conviction because some of the fluff stayed on.”

24.

“I found a bike on CL for $225, which is approx $100 over what the internet tells me is a reasonable price. But! It’s supposedly totally tuned up and in perfect condition. So. What if I asked if we could meet around 12 tomorrow? Would it be worth it? What if Megan loved it? And we could get it! And I can ride a bike!

I HAVE WANTED A BIKE FOR SO LONG.

But it seems like probably not the best use of $225 right now tbh. I need car tires actually. I just want a bike and to be a better person!

What would a better person be doing right now? Laundry and the kids’ homework I guess. Cleaning the house. So I could do those things and then see how a better person feels about buying a bike for $100 more than it’s worth probably/maybe.”

25.

“We’ve determined that if they put something on clearance at Target, we will buy it.”

26.

“Now I’m wearing a too-small wrong-season black sundress/bathing suit coverup that I shrank in the wash last summer, my purple Anthro tights, grey knee socks, black Docs, denim jacket and the locket necklace. I have on makeup and even though my hair is generally flawed, I feel very good about this entire situation.

I will go to Starbucks I think, and then TJs where my very tall girlfriend works. And I will do it all in a too-short dress that is not in season, tights and boots, and unwashed hair. Yes I fucking will.”

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