43 Excerpts From Last Night’s Republican Presidential Debate, Out Of Context

rachel: speaking of experiments in content, do we want something on the debate last night? i am really baffled as to how to approach coverage of them at this point because it feels like there’s one every week and nothing actually happens in any of them
heather: In Lieu of Coverage About Last Night’s Debate, Nachos
riese: i could just do a listling without commentary where I pull random lines from last nights debate out of context and put them in a random order
the feature image could be a picture of nachos
rachel: i think that would really be the best of all possible worlds
riese: okay
i think i can get that done in about 45 minutes
SOMEBODY TIME ME
heather: okay tell me when to start!
riese: NOW

[…time passes…]

riese: ok i’m looking for a nachos pictures and then can publish this
heather: 44:06!
riese: YES!
rachel: nice hustle out there, riese.

43 Excerpts From Last Night’s Republican Presidential Debate, Ripped Mercilessly Out Of Context

1. The other thing is, I do care about the poor people.

2. When I was Budget Committee chairman in Washington, I stepped on every toe in that town

3. Yeah, but, Marco! Marco!

4. There are more words in the IRS code than there are in the Bible.

5. If you raise the minimum wage, you’re going to make people more expensive than a machine.

6. Reagan Love — by the way, pretty great name, I think — is a teacher.

7. You’ve already made two comments, John. It’s my turn.

8. All I can say is, you’re lucky in Ohio that you struck oil.

9. We need more welders and less philosophers.

10. My father carried mail on his back

11. We will have a wall. The wall will be built. The wall will be successful. And if you think walls don’t work, all you have to do is ask Israel.

12. You should let Jeb speak.

13. We have to make our military bigger, better, stronger than ever before so that nobody messes with us.

14. I got about four minutes in the last debate. I’m going to get my question right now.

15. “I like Ike,” right? The expression. “I like Ike.”

16. Outside of Anbar in Iraq, there’s a big energy field. Take that from them. Take all of that land from them.

17. It took Candy Crush one year to reach some 100 million users.

18. I think in order to make them look like losers, we have to destroy their caliphate.

19. We either have a country or we don’t have a country.

20. My Mom is here, so I don’t think we should be pushing any grannies off cliffs.

21. That really struck me. This is America. A mother is going to bed afraid for her children’s future.

22. Mr. Trump, you yourself said “let Governor Bush speak.” Governor Bush?

23. I would encourage folks, if you go to our website, tedcruz.org, we have the specific numbers on the website.

24. I mean, that’s like a board game, that’s like playing Monopoly or something.

25. And so here’s the truth: this election is about the future.

26. Before we get a little bit off-kilter here…

27. I made it a 10% number, as you know. I’ve been very highly praised for it.

28. I don’t like Assad. Who’s going to like Assad?

29. I got to know Putin very well because we were both on 60 Minutes, we were stablemates, and we did very well that night.

30. Carly Fiorina can beat Hillary Clinton.

31. I come from a town where if the wind blew the wrong way, people found themselves out of work.

32. Can I finish my time?

33. I ask you to join us at tedcruz.org.

34. Why does she keep interrupting everybody?

35. I’ve never met Vladimir Putin, but I know enough about him to know he is a gangster.

36. No. No, I didn’t say that.

37. You know, if I may respond…

38. We’re going to have a day where we wake up and some of our big cities are either very cold, or very hot.

39. They hate us because our girls go to school.

40. They go into the store and they buy a bar of soap, it costs 10 cents more, they notice it.

41. Thank you, Donald, for allowing me to speak at the debate. That’s really nice of you. Really appreciate that.

42. Again, that’s on our website at tedcruz.org.

43. This is how socialism starts, ladies and gentlemen.

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Riese

Riese is the 43-year-old Co-Founder of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, video-maker, LGBTQ+ Marketing consultant and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and now lives in Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in nine books, magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. She's Jewish and has a cute dog named Carol. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 3279 articles for us.

45 Comments

  6. “You’ve already made two comments, John. It’s my turn.”

    My favorite thing about this article was the way it made my imagination put the comments into different, random contexts. This one is for responding to a mansplaining or generally sexist colleague who will not cede the floor.

  8. i never would have guessed that thinking about a republican debate would fill me with pleasure and yearning.

    damn you, photo of nachos. damn you.

  9. “We will have a wall. The wall will be built. The wall will be successful. And if you think walls don’t work, all you have to do is ask Israel.”

    ON A SCALE OF ONE TO EVEN I CAN’T

    • Also that makes me think of the zombie wall Israel built in World War Z and that TOTALLY DIDN’T WORK. So there.

      • I know, right? This has to have been sarcastic – it’s just the PERFECT setup to bitingly take down the whole ridiculous wall plan by giving the prime example of why foreign policies like that *don’t* work and result in brutal wars..but I’m really afraid it was serious. Or even worse, meant to be an awesome comeback but was taken literally by the boneheaded other candidates and audience.

        *bangs head against possibly facetious zombie wall*

  10. “38. We’re going to have a day where we wake up and some of our big cities are either very cold, or very hot.”

    It’s a strange world we live in.

  11. This (along with Hilary’s snap from last night) made my day. Also, damn you for the nacho pic. Now I am hungry.

  16. that was about as coherent as the actual debate, tbh. (and definitely my favorite debate-related thing so far, with the possible exception of Ted Cruz, apparently unaware of the causes of the Great Depression, praising the economic policies of the 1920s)

  17. Honestly, GW Bush (almost) seems like a reasonable person compared to this batch of GOP candidates. Seriously, how can anyone of the clowns even pose a problem to Hillary/Bernie? It’s ridiculous.

    “We have to make our military bigger, better, stronger than ever before so that nobody messes with us.” This sounds like the argumentation of a 6 year old boy playing with his toys.

  18. I’m reading this during class (oops!) and trying so hard to suppress my snorts of laughter! Also, now I want nachos…

  19. So just to be clear, if #20’s mom was NOT here, we WOULD be pushing grannies off cliffs? Okay. #GranniesOffCliffs2k16

  22. “I got to know Putin very well because we’re both Scorpios rising so I just, like, GET him, you know?”

  24. All future election coverage should just be debate quotes ripped mercilessly out of context. I feel like I got a really good general idea of the debate AND I don’t want to murder anyone.

  25. I saw the picture and the number 43 and clicked on this thinking it was going to be 43 different nacho recipes. I’m not going to lie, I’m a little disappointed.

  28. Either in the first (losers) debate or the main event, one of the candidates harped on the necessity that we live by laws because we are a nation of laws. What makes me laugh is seeing the disregard these law lovers have for debate rules. Few of them understand that when the buzzer sounds, shut up! If they can’t keep simple rules, what makes anyone believe they shall uphold the laws of the land?

  32. This is why I come to autostraddle.com. The nachos sealed the deal for me. We need more responsible journalism like this

  34. I’m a little late to the party (party, heh, heh), but if I was a little cleverer, I’d be able to work this into an excellent joke with the punchline being nacho circus, nacho monkeys…

Comments are closed.