On Christmas, I received an unfortunate present. As I emerged from a Babygirl rewatch, I looked at my phone and saw a dozen text messages from friends and acquaintances informing me my Instagram had been hacked. I’d also been kicked out of the app and had an email informing me the email attached to my account had changed. Click this link if you didn’t make this change. I clicked the link and it took me to a vague FAQ page that was not helpful. Despite controlling so much of our online life, Meta does not have a customer service line and they don’t respond to customer service emails.

As the hacker moved from story to grid to a full makeover of my account, the texts continued, often sharing screenshots of the hackers handiwork. Thankfully, what the hacker had in hacking skills, they lacked in creative writing skills. That is to say even before the name change very few people suspected it was actually me posting these things.

I got my account back thanks to weeks of effort from someone I know at Meta — it was challenging even for her! Meta sucks and not just because of the transphobia! — and to celebrate I’d like to rank the hacker’s posts based on how likely I actually would have posted them. Just for future reference to save anyone any confusion!

Also learn from my mistake: Turn on two-factor authentication using an authenticator app. Right now.

9.

Where to even begin? First of all, I may have gotten hacked, but I’m not stupid enough to post a screenshot that has the last four digits of my bank account. Second of all, thank you to MYSELF?? I might be a Leo rising, but I keep that level of ego private. Third, I just can’t imagine ever having a financial coach, because fourth, a profit of $20,000 in two hours?? The only smart financial choice I’ve ever made was living in my friends’ garage during Covid and I still paid $600 a month/got an eye infection.

8.

Many of the same issues here, but I do enjoy expressing gratitude both in DMs and publicly. Not sure I’ve ever used the 100 emoji except as a Slack reaction though.

7.

Finally some subtlety. If I ever thank a financial coach for helping me earn $20,000 in two hours, I will post something more along the lines of this. Obsessed with them calling this fictional financial advisor an honest person as if anyone reading would go: This can’t be a scam! She’s an honest person! 100% fool-proof plan. 100.

6.

I’m more likely to change my name to Claire than to ever identify as an entrepreneur, but I’m unlikely to do either. I’m sorry if your name is Claire Gregory, but that doesn’t flow at all?? Also I’m not sure I’ve ever empowered a mind and I’ve definitely never mastered any markets. Points for still saying filmmaker, theatremaker, and writer. Points off for spelling “wealth” wrong.

5.

Shoutout to the woman playing the role of Claire who almost certainly wasn’t the hacker but just someone whose pictures the hacker was using. Like “Claire” I love Christmas and I would post a series of photos in a tight dress. The caption is where things go wrong. Away from social media for A YEAR? I didn’t have my Instagram for three weeks and I was dying. I’ve also never once not known what I wanted from life. I do have mad anxiety though.

4.

The post that launched a thousand texts. I received more messages about whether I was hacked/bought a car than I did on my birthday. I famously didn’t even have a car when I LIVED IN LOS ANGELES so the chances of me buying a car are slim let alone a Mercedes. If I did ever get a Mercedes, chances are even slimmer I’d refer to it as my baby. Also thanks to @_clairebenji for your patience? Didn’t it only take two hours? (Hacker loves the name Claire though got to give them that.)

3.

I took this screenshot after getting my Instagram back, but this was posted while the account was run by Claire. It’s too bad because we’re finally starting to get some realism. No, I probably wouldn’t pose in front of Dior or Ralph Lauren but I would post a swipe through of four hot pictures with a simple caption. In fact, maybe I’ll reuse this caption when I finally post my NYE photos.

2.

Once people started calling out the hacker for being a hacker, they started blocking. Once I got my account back I scrolled through the blocked accounts to unblock all my friends and strangers and even my partner who this person had blocked. Among these accounts was none other than Mark Wahlberg. No, I never followed him and no, he never followed me. The hacker just chose to block Mark Wahlberg on Claire Gregory’s account?? Please share your theories, because the only two I have are 1) Mark Wahlberg hunts down Instagram hackers in addition to owning a fast food chain, acting in Mel Gibson movies, and trying to get people not to Google his past, and 2) The hacker was scrolling around on this account, followed Mark Wahlberg, and then got so annoyed about something he posted that they blocked him. Either theory is hilarious and in honor of my hacker I’m gonna leave Marky Mark blocked, because it does seem like something I might have done anyway.

1.

Who cares about a Mercedes? The only time I felt truly jealous of my fictional alter-ego was when Claire posted her puppy. I want a dog so badly!!!!!!!! And this one is so cute!!!!!!! Alas, I still cannot afford to get a dog right now. Wait… does anyone know a good financial advisor who could help me make $20,000 in two hours?

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