The Best Bacon Bloody Mary

by Hannah 

So, you think your local brunch joint makes the best bloody marys? Sure, whatever. I bet they don’t put bacon in it. That’s right, you’ve been doing bloody marys wrong this whole entire time. I’m intervening:

1. Purchase the cheapest possible vodka. You’re about to drop some serious cash on hot sauce and pickles. This isn’t Sex and The City. This is Brunch. This is about the most efficient way to consume alcohol while eating breakfast foods on the Lord’s Day. I went with Sobieski.

2. Retrieve the homemade pickled peppers and beans from your fridge. What? You don’t have freshly made homemade refrigerator pickles, you say? Blasphemy. I suppose you’ll just have to spring for the store bought variety. I’m a big fan of Rick’s Picks’ “Windy City Wasabeans,” but any old pickled veggies will do the trick.

3. Assemble your arsenal of spicy, tomato-ey, vinegar-y goodness.

• 1 Jar of tomato juice
• 6 slices pickled jalapenos, chop that shit up reaaaal fine.
• Mad garlic. Chop that shit up too.
• A handful of dill. Choppety-chop.
• Get some parsley. Chop it. I don’t know what it really does for the flavor, but it looks nice.
• 2 Fat dollops prepared horseradish. More if you like. There’s never enough horseradish.
• 2 Hefty shakes of Worcestershire sauce. (why the f—k is that word so long? Go home Worcestershire, you’re drunk. Take “Colonel” with you).
• Some soy sauce or soy sauce alternative like Bragg’s Liquid aminos. Because you’re a hipster.
• HOT SAUCE
• The freshly squeezed juice of 1 lemon.
• A buttload of cracked black pepper, cocktail olives, pickles.
• BACON. Thick cut.

Step 4

Put it all of the liquids and spices in a fancy pitcher. Make sure to add some of the pickle and olive brine. This is key. Save the pickles and olives for garnish. Also, taste it. I cannot guarantee this won’t burn your mouth off unless you use your judgement and taste it as you go. What do I look like, a scientist? Figure it out, genius.

5. Put that shit in the fridge while you cook your bacon in the oven on a layer of tin foil. I said to use thick cut bacon, which is actually pretty important, but my fancy grocery store was out of the thick stuff, so I made due with the floppy kind.

6. Okay, this is almost too many steps. How soon before we get to drink some damn vodka? Patience, grasshopper. We are nearly there. Get yourself a cute little mason jar and fill it with ice. Fill her halfway up with vodka (!). Fill her the rest of the way up with Bloody Mary mix. Stick some pickles and olives in there. Do you have celery? Throw a stick of celery in there for good measure. AND BACON. PUT THE BACON IN THE BLOODY MARY (Whaaaaaat? I know. You’re welcome).

7. Step 1 of Step 7 is eat the bacon first. Partially because, duh, but also because bacon gets a little funky when it’s over-saturated with vodka and hot sauce. The bacon is mostly so your friends at brunch are like “Holy crap. Is there bacon in this bloody mary? Let’s get gay married.” Step 2 of Step 7 is to consume the Bloody Mary. Have as many as you like. Have too many. This is brunch, after all. Don’t forget to eat. I know your bloody mary is like a meal in a glass, but you’re gonna need at least one bite of those gluten-free pancakes.

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