ELLEN PAGE:
It’s not a coming out, but let’s be honest, it’s good enough for you. Ellen Page is reportedly playing an honest-to-goodness lesbian in the adaptation of the 2007 documentary Freeheld. Freeheld followed the lesbian couple Laurel Hester and Stacie Andree in their struggle to bequeath Hester’s police pension to Stacie as she slowly fell prey to lung cancer – Page will play the film role of Stacie Andree.
We thought this would be an excellent opportunity to look back at all the times Ellen Page played a straight person but still gave us lots of homosexy feelings.
ELLEN PAGE – ALWAYS LESBIONIC, NEVER THE LESBIAN
Ellen Page captured our lesbian hearts the moment this happened:
…or maybe way before that. See, Ellen Page often plays dorks, weirdos and outsider misfits. Ellen Page frequently dons male drag for photoshoots and even wears flannel on the red carpet. Ellen Page is everything we look for in a lady, and we’d like to cuddle with her. A look at her past work, leading up to way more info about Freeheld…
Hard Candy (2005)
We’re pretty sure that Ellen Page has never played an actual lesbian, so this one is probably the closest she’s gotten. There’s no way to describe Hard Candy other than f*cked up. Page spends the entire movie mentally torturing and threatening to castrate a horrible child molester that she has kidnapped. Her man-hating behavior seems lesbionic (in the worst way possible), and she’s avenging the death of a girl she knew. But be warned, it will probably take you a while to care about sex — even in reference to Ellen Page — after you watch this movie. On a scale of 1 to Vadge, we give Hard Candy a thigh tickle.
Mouth to Mouth (2005)
In Mouth to Mouth, Ellen Page’s character joins rebel cult SPARK (Street People Armed with Radical Knowledge), leaves her school & family behind for a place where she can truly fit in. Sherry shaves her head, does drugs and wears combat boots. Even Mom can’t bring Sherry away from her new crowd. Despite her character clearly being a total het, we give this outsider weirdo storyline a Mohawk on a scale of 1 to Vadge.
X-Men 3 (2006)
Page plays Kitty Pryde in the third installment of the X-Men, and her role here centers around a romantic triangle with Iceman and Rogue (played by Anna Paquin, if only the romantic tension was between them). So yeah, that’s pretty hetero, however who doesn’t love a cute, powerful mutant girl who can walk through walls? For that power alone, we’ll give this one a 3.
Juno (2007)
Even when impregnanted via the sperm of a real live dude, Page’s sardonic disposition, obvious clash with Jennifer Garner’s hyper-hetero character and overall fashion sense just screams Closer to Fine. On a scale of 1 to Vadge, we give Juno a “1.5.”
Whip It (2009)
What we have here is a movie that COULD be a lesbian movie, but isn’t. Whip It! is lesbian blue balls. In an interview with New York Magazine, Whip It co-star Ali Gaynor was asked about the pink elephant absent from the rink:
The very open lesbianism in the real derby world is kind of soft-pedaled in the film.
I was pushing for Eva to be a lesbian seductress, hitting on all the girls. I tried to push the envelope a little on stuff that didn’t end up in the film.
Ellen Page and Drew Barrymore promoted this movie hand-in-hand while french-kissing and gushing about each other in interviews.
On a scale of one to vadge, we give “Whip It” a swift punch to the clitoris.
Freeheld (2011)
The original Freeheld was directed by Cynthia Wade, and it includes the viewpoints of the community and the Ocean County police force as well as Hester and Andree’s perspectives. The Board of Chosen Freeholders’ decision on whether or not Andree could receive Hester’s pension was particularly timely because the Domestic Partnership Benefits and Obligations Act had just passed in 2004, which made it legally possible for Hester’s wishes to be carried out, although not required by law – the Board of Freeholders managed to find a series of excuses to deny the pension anyways, like union contracts and of course “the sanctity of marriage.” The film follows Hester’s decline as the cancer progresses, and Andree’s devotion to her. The issue of her pension comes to a head when Governor Jon Corzine becomes involved, and eventually in an emergency meeting the Board of Freeholders agrees to expand pension benefits to same-sex couples. Nine months after Hester’s death, the state Supreme Court ruled that same-sex couples were entitled to equal rights under the law, forcing the legalization of civil unions.
The current film adaptation will be written by Ron Nyswaner, who was also responsible for the Oscar-nominated Philadelphia, and produced by James Stern. Ellen Page will play the part of Stacie Andree; it’s not clear yet who will play Laurel Hester.
On a scale of 1 to Vadge, we are going to give this a Vadge, but also, a crying vadge, because this movie looks both very serious and very sad.
A crying forever vadge. We should all get together and a have a big weep-fest/support group to watch this when it comes out.
Nice article, but …..
“Ellen Page has captured our lesbian hearts since the moment she depantsed in Hard Candy, revealing her boyshorts.” The picture and reference are actually from The Tracey Fragments. She does not remove her pants in Hard Candy.
Just her shirt!
it’s happening. e.page you are the best. on a scale of one to vadge, i would call Freeheld a Win.
ON A SCALE OF ONE TO VADGE
Let’s not forget that “lesbian werewolf film” that never got made! I would check IMDB for updates on Jack & Diane, and it looked good, and it was supposed to be scored by Mum or something. Alas.
Reading Ellen Page’s name makes me smile. That’s how lame I am.
“On a scale of one to vadge, we give “Whip It” a swift punch to the clitoris.”
GENIUS!
Why I lol’d at “swift punch to the clitoris”, I’ll never know.
Amaze.
Don’t worry, I laughed too. Unfortunately, laughing while you’re also coughing tends to lead to almost death. Dearest Autostraddle, are you trying to murder me? :(
(And I agree with the clitoris punch sentiment. Goddamn you Whip It for getting my hopes up then crushing them with some stupid skinny boy!)
Well at least she ended up smacking him in the face.
I am mildly obsessed with Ellen Page, so thank you autostraddle for bringing this new film to my attention as well as reminding me of past films.
I am slightly confused with the rating system. Is punch in the clitoris a good thing? Or is it like below 1? I’m just a little confused about 1 to vadge and punching.
x-men was so fucking gay. without being gay. like, if a movie can be closeted, that is what x-men was. also her name was kitty fuckin’ PRIDE. just saying.
Why is this website referring to you as a “member”? Pricks.
If my love for this article was rated on a scale of 1 to orgasm, let’s just say it made a beeline to the clitoris
It’s not clear Haley Stark even knew Dona Mauer, the murdered/missing girl in HARD CANDY. Which makes her revenge quest even more pyschopathic. As for Haley’s erotic appeal ???? well, Humbert Humbert would be in the line up along with all those craving androgeny. Haley herself seems too intellectually driven to get side tracked by sexual enjoyment. Seems like the product of over achiever parents who have driven her crazy- `Four out of Five psychiatrists agree I am insane’ as she disarmingly and charmingly informs Lensman319 soon after their first meeting. But Ellen’s smile as she delivers that line melts the heart
I just realized that I saw the original Freeheld at a film fest. All of my friends and I were crying so hard that we almost had to leave in the middle of it.
Ellen Page is an annoying worthless hack. Fracken waste of skin and bones.
ellen page is a deliciously hot lesbian, i dun know why people dont see that, 1 her fav bands are CAT POWER, PEACHES,PATTI SMITH.AND cocorosie all lesbians except PATTI SMITH 2 fav movie MY SUMMER OF LOVE ( lesbian movie) in an interview for CURVE (lezzie mag) talking about x men three she said she thinks the movie isa metaphor for homosexuality she said “what would WE do if THEY found a cure for homosexuality” They meaning straight people WE meaning gays..gotta read in between the lines…i’d do her hard
remember Ellen’s lezbotastic Saturday Night Live sketch–the one where she returns from a Melissa Etheridge concert all jazzed, excitedly talking about how she wants to hug all her lady-friends with her legs? yesss. i don’t think i’ve squealed so much at SNL since seeing old tapes of Gilda Radner.
All very interesting but as a sub guy I wish Ellen would play a dominatrix. Wow, fantasy land coming on……..
It’s funny, I was all thinking she was sexy and lesbian-looking in Juno and sad that I couldn’t relate to her being with this unattractively dorky guy (some people are into that, but not me). Why does this cute lesbian-like girl have to be straight? Then a few weeks ago I’m at a queer girls’ party and hear she came out. Score.
I have always been really attracted to Ellen Page, like can’t take my eyes off of her whenever she is on the screen or in pictures, she just seemed so adorable and cute in that lesbian way……now I understand……
A punch in the clitoris? WTF?! How so damn incongruous!
That’s like…
…Ellen began breathing harder and faster, her pulse was now racing! Her mouth, which was hot and wet a few minutes ago, was now as parched and as dry as the Sahara with the sun standing still at midday. This only caused her to press her mouth greedily against Amy’s, in the search for water. Of course, the first thing she tasted was the sweet, Mandarin-peach lipgloss that Amy was always applying religiously to her red lips–gosh, it really kept them so “girly soft” afterall! Ellen’s head began to pound heavily as if there were a whole herd of wild deer, running through her head. Or, was that her heart beating–no, pounding in her chest as she felt the soft caress of Amy’s tongue as it pressed ever so gently against hers? What happened next took Ellen by surprise–that’s when she got punched in the clitoris!
As I said, ‘incongruous’.
>:P
This film will be the true test of whether Ellen Page can overcome the stigma Ellen DeGeneres suffered for being “too gay” and politicised after she came out. I’m so excited but so nervous for her!