Wanna help me pick apart this advice columnist’s response to a 14 year-old girl who may or may not be gay or bisexual? Ok!
Dear Lizzie,
I am a 14 year-old female. I think that I might be a lesbian. I don’t know if I’m a lesbian or I’m bisexual. I don’t even know if this is just a phase that I’m going through.
I have liked boys, but I have also liked more girls then boys. I’ve told a few of my friends that I’m bisexual. They seemed OK about it.
What I’m worried about is going into high school and me being the only one who’s a lesbian or gay. I don’t want to stay in the closet forever.
I want to be able to tell my family that I’m gay or that I have a girlfriend. I don’t know what to do please help me!!
– Worried, Connecticut
Dear Worried,
In the beginning you said you weren’t sure, and then at the end of your question, you said you are gay. You seem a bit confused about where you stand sexually, and I think that’s where the problem lies.
The fact is you are 14 years old. You are still so young. My advice would be to wait it out a bit.
You have plenty of time before high school begins. At your young age, this shouldn’t be your main concern.
I know it may be in the back of your head, and you are starting to explore and learn about your body. It’s OK to be young and be confused.
You shouldn’t be telling anybody at school. Nobody needs to know about your private life right now.
If friends are pressuring you into telling them things, and badgering you about it, you don’t need to give in to that. Peers at your age can be very cruel and misunderstanding about such important matters.
Just be yourself, and don’t give in to peer pressure. You don’t need to come out of the closet when you don’t even know if you are in one yet.
I think at your age you should be worrying about homework, academics and sports.
Wait until you’re older to get serious about it and worry about it.
If you grow up to be gay or lesbian, there’s nothing wrong with it. You are still a person, and good for you for being yourself and following your heart.
The thing about high school is you would NOT be the only gay or bisexual student there. School can, however, be a rough time for a homosexual individual: There is bullying, friends may treat you differently, and there is an increased rate of dropping out.
But have no fear: A lot of high schools have gay and lesbian alliance clubs and anti-bullying programs. You cannot be treated differently because of your sexual orientation.
As far as approaching your parents about it, I’m sure they love you and will understand. If you are closer to your mom or dad, approach that parent one-on-one and open up. Your parent will be on your side.
Whoever you decide to date will come naturally. Don’t force it or ignore it, as you are young and shouldn’t be worrying about having a girlfriend or boyfriend.
I personally know a lot of people that thought they were gay or lesbian, and it turned out they were not.
Just enjoy being young and being happy. You will figure it all out on your own time at the right time.
I’m going to translate this for you into what everyone actually means. Please note that the bold emphasis below is my own, because that’s a very important part.
Dear Lizzie,
I’m a 14 year-old female and I’ve been romantically interested in both sexes, but more girls than boys. I’m not sure if this means that I’m a lesbian or a bisexual or just going through a ‘phase.’ I’ve told some of my friends that I’m bisexual and they seem fine with it.
What I’m worried about is being the only gay person in high school. It seems like if I’m the only one, I’ll never have a girlfriend. I want a girlfriend and also I’d like to be able to tell my parents about her. I don’t want to stay in the closet forever.
Are there gay people in high school?
— Worried
Does this sound like a girl who’s drowning in a sea of sexual confusion? Or a girl who wants a girlfriend and would like to know what her chances are re: getting one next year. B! It sounds like B!
But that’s not what Dear Lizzie heard. She heard a girl who has no idea what she wants.
Also apparently Dear Lizzie heard a girl who lives in a pre-MTV world where no one under the age of 22 has ever heard of lesbians or knows what having a girlfriend would even entail and therefore would be totally content just hanging out with her little sister, reading some Sweet Valley High books and thinking about horses.
Fourteen is not “still so young.” Patronizing much? The columnist, Elizabeth Mahoney, basically dismisses everything written after “I don’t even know if this is just a phase that I’m going through” and chalks it all up to complete and total (but normal for her age!) confusion.
Do you think a lot of straight 14 year-old girls are wondering if they really like boys or if they might want to date girls? Because they’re not. Only the queer kids are ‘confused’ about that, thanks to being raised in a predominately heteronormative culture where being gay is typically either something that only exists on the periphery, or is abnormal, disgusting or immoral enough to warrant total rejection or possibly death. I mean, who can blame a girl for weighing her options, really.
Mahoney then proceeds to shame this girl even deeper into denial / self-loathing with the classic “You shouldn’t be telling anybody at school. Nobody needs to know about your private life right now.” You know the deal: “We don’t mind if you’re gay, as long as you don’t flaunt it.” and “What you do behind closed doors is your business. I don’t need to know about it.” I’m pretty sure my mother still doesn’t understand the ignorance of that last one.
Also, what the hell does she think teenage girls talk about? The stock market? No, they obviously talk about their ‘private’ lives. It’s like, what they do. Mahoney feels like this teen should focus more on homework / academics. Hahahahhha yeah join the club, lady.
Lizzie redeems herself slightly by telling this woefully confused youth that there are other gay girls in high school, that it’s good to follow her heart and that GSAs exist.
But then Mahoney makes the most absurd assumption of all by advising Worried to — if the need arises, of course — come out to the parent she’s closest to first, because that parent will be ‘on her side.’ Mahoney tells her that her parents will understand and love her regardless. Wouldn’t it be fabulous if we could hand out that guarantee with the birth certificates?
I feel like Elizabeth Mahoney meant well with this reply and probably felt like she was being super progressive to even consider the fact that this girl might truly NOT be just having a ‘phase.’ She took the time to cover almost every possible angle.
Except, of course, the one where you trust a young person’s ability to know a thing or two about herself and the world.
Why do adults insist on equating adolescence with stupidity? Worried wasn’t worried about being gay, she was worried about being the only one and worried about when in ones queer life cycle one must inform the others, which is a pretty common theme among gay youth. It’s why we fight to keep And Tango Makes Three in school libraries and make It Gets Better videos and why Team Autostraddle even exists and why people say “visibility matters!”
Because it does! Because you’re not alone out there.
This woman is so out of touch. I have no words.
“If you grow up to be gay or lesbian, there’s nothing wrong with it. You are still a person”
Well, good thing! I was afraid when I grew up and realized I was a lesbian I was going to turn into… uh… hmm. Guess I was always POSITIVE I was going to remain a person! Thanks for nothing advice columnist!
oh fuck, you mean turning into a stone foot appendage isn’t normal? well shit.
THE OTHERS
yeah the fact that she even feels that she needs to SAY that says a lot. like that should be assumed.
I WASN’T supposed to turn into a shark?
Umm…shouldn’t you be, like, a dolphin then?
UR NOT GEY!!!
Wait, do people grow up to be straight?
I think this should be a thing. Re-writing advice given to queer youth (and, you know, getting them to be able to see it). I like this.
Also, the caption on the picture made me laugh out loud.
Please please make this into a weekly thing?
I even volunteer to write them for you
“NO LET’S JUST FOCUS ON ACADEMICS”
I giggled for an entire minute.
Also, sports. Yes, focus on women’s sports… That’ll really stop you from questioning!
Women’s sports… soccer… Brandi Chastain.
Sorry I zoned out for a second thinking about that beautiful moment in sports history.
Also can we talk about Natasha Kai? She also ripped off her shirt, in 2008 when the US beat Brazil. The only difference is that she has lots of tattoos. And she’s gay. Dreams so come true.
*do come true?
I like both versions. I read the first as an emphatic “Dreams SO come true” but kinda sarcasticly flippant.
Malaysian school life, in a nutshell. You’re not supposed to have a personal life. Just study study study.
HOLY FUCK THIS IS THE WORST THING TO SAY TO ANYONE, EVER.
on a more sentimental note, this girl is me. in eighth grade.
seconded. my mom basically told me this exact advice.
“I personally know a lot of people that thought they were gay or lesbian, and it turned out they were not.”
I wish she hadn’t included that line, even more than the parents-will-love-you-regardless one. (actually sometimes I wish all advice columnists would do when they got a letter from gay teens is just say, write to Dan Savage. OR THE AUTOSTRADDLE TUMBLR, MAYBE. OR LOOK JUST FIND A GAY ADVICE COLUMNIST THERE MUST BE MORE THAN ONE OUT THERE.) to me it just smacks of … it’s only a phase! which like … I think teenagers already get that message PLENTY. PLENTY.
I don’t think there’s anything too wrong with the overall thrust of her response, which is pretty much: relax, don’t worry about labels and coming out so much, do it in your own time. I think that’s a solid message to a 14 year old on pretty much any issue (my period’s not regular, I don’t know what subjects to take or where to go to study, should I play the violin or go to art class, etc etc etc). I just think that should be followed with a healthy dose of “but do some exploring”, which is what she missed, IMO.
Unless he’s reversed his amazingly condescending and belittling position on bisexuality, maybe they shouldn’t write to Dan Savage.
Everything else: YES.
What kinds of condescending things has he said about bisexuality? I ask you this not as a challenge but out of utter curiosity.
Also I’m commenting bc I’m not sure, but I think he MAY have gotten better with this. The last time I read a thing that he wrote, it had to do with bisexuality and labels and in general, and I thought it was actually pretty good – something along the lines of, some people round up or down with the labels they use, and some people don’t, and bisexual visibility is a thing that’s important, and ultimately we use the words that are most useful for us in terms of getting other people to understand our behaviors and our expectations and beliefs. etc etc
That could be different from other things he’s said, so I’m curious.
Also also, I second your YES.
*bisexuality and labels in general
typo
He wrote an insanely bi-phobic column about bisexuality in 1999, as well as writing other generally bi-phobic, trans-phobic, and misogynistic things. In all regards, he has gotten A LOT better in the last ten-fifteen years.
I don’t remember most of the specific bi-phobic things he’s said…He’s said stuff like bi men are not really good boyfriend material for gay men, people use bisexuality as a stepping stone to coming out as gay or lesbian, people who are bi often end up disappearing into heterosexual relationships, and bi people (esp. women) should stop whining about those mean bi-phobic gays and just date each other.
The thing is though, he seems to be the only adult who advises queer kids to consider carefully who their parents are before coming out to them, and is realistic about the fact that parents are not always on the side of their LGBTQ children.
He also used to say that bi men were really just gay and bi women were really just straight.
And yes, he has gotten heaps better about that. He still needs to work on the transphobia and fat-phobia, though.
THANK YOU, LANEIA.
I think I need to go show this to my mother (and dance around her screaming “HAHA I WAS RIGHT AND YOU WERE WRONG”), because Lizzie’s advice is exactly what she told me when I came out to her. Right down to the part about not telling anyone about your personal life!
I love my mother, but she is not half as LGBT-supportive as she claims to be.
It seems that your mother and my dad are related.
and that they both would probably enjoy playing bridge* with my parents :/
*or whatever it is that parents do together
Laneia I enjoyed this very much, thank you
this induced all sorts of ragey feelings in me.
let me translate lizzie’s message:
“don’t tell anyone your deep dark secret because kids your age won’t understand and they’ll bully you till you drop out. but there are lots of GSAs and anti-bullying programs which means that no one can bully you until you drop out. there are probably other gay people at your high school but they’re probably being bullied so you should just do your homework instead of worrying about all this nonsense. your parents will probably still love you anyway, and based on all of the scientific research i’ve done, every single one of my friends who thought they were gay turned out not to be! so according to me and my superhighlyfactualstudy, you are probably not gay or bisexual.”
this woman is such a dumbass! and then, when i actually linked to the article. guess WHAT. it’s the f-ing newspaper to my hometown where i grew up in pennsylvania. LUCKY ME.
hopefully ‘confused’ finds autostraddle and then she’ll know. that would be a thing.
My thoughts while reading it: “Surely this is a joke. The real response is coming. Is this satirical? Did NOM start an advice column?”
Maybe it will be like when you don’t know what to do, then ask someone, and they say the wrong thing. And when they say it, you recognize it as wrong and realize that you knew what to do all along. I hope that will be the case here.
Pathetic advice. Could easily go line by line and use it as a perfect example of how heterosexuals put down kids grappling with sexual feelings and in the guise of providing “good advice” put them down and push them back.
“I think at your age you should be worrying about homework, academics and sports.” Yeah kids at 14 never think about sex, never enters their mind – just focus on school and sports and these dirty sexual, perverted thoughts will never enter your head….yeah works every time.
“If you grow up to be gay or lesbian, there’s nothing wrong with it.” Well thank you. Glad there is nothing wrong with that and glad you need to tell me that there is nothing wrong with it as if you are trying to reassure your own self that there is nothing wrong with that.
Ughhhhh Fuck
Dear Worried,
p.s. Since you’re probably not gay, please remember that abstinence is the only 100% effective form of birth control.
Love (platonic, don’t get confused),
Lizzie
p.s.s But don’t worry about sex right now, just worry about homework, academics, and sports. But when you are old enough to date, abstinence is the only effective birth control! Condoms (since you’re straight) don’t work, ever! But don’t worry about that right now, just worry about homework academics, sports, and that boy who sits next to you in class!
Seriously I wish all advice columnists would just direct all their confused write-ins to everyoneisgay.com or something, it would be a lot better.
I went to the column to post a comment directing this poor girl to Autostraddle in case she ever checked back, and someone had already done so. High five.
Beautiful.
I don’t know, I’m not sure if I thought the advice was as terrible as, say, some of the other advice columns Autostraddle has skewed here (like the woman telling the sorority girl she’s required to tell her sisters she’s a lesbian – good god!) The basic idea of her message was good: that it’s okay if, at age 14, you don’t have it all figured out, that these things take time and it’s ok to be confused. Of course, part of it has to do with the fact that what I took away from the message was that this girl was confused, not that she’s already a confident, fully-formed bisexual looking for a gf. She sounds like me at age 14 – she knows she likes girls and boys but isn’t sure what it all MEANS. I would have loved for someone to tell me at that age that my feelings were normal and it was ok if I didn’t know quite what they were right away.
That being said, while the basic message was right, the execution was really condescending and awful. And it reflects a total lack of experience with LGBTQ issues on the part of the advice-giver. For example, I’m pretty sure that her message about academics being more important is coming from thinking that girls obsess too much about romance in high school – but boy-craziness and trying to suss out one’s sexual orientation are two different things. And that part about how some people she knew thought they were gay and they were not? What was the point of that? Yeah, because God forbid you think you’re a queer for a few years and miss out on some opposite-sex lovin’. The opposite happens to LGB people all the time, where they think they’re straight for a huge chunk of time before finding out they’re not, but who cares about them? The important thing is TEH POOR HETEROZ.
I feel like this piece of advice should come with a disclaimer that says “I have absolutely no idea what you’re going through because I personally couldn’t be more straight but I’m going to try to give you some advice from my very limited knowledge on the subject of homosexuality.” Because then we wouldn’t have to take her seriously. I think she just further confused the poor girl who wrote in.
“You are still a person”!
HOLY CRAP REALLY? I never knew that about lesbians. HOW PROGRESSIVE
I hate this letter because it’s so sneaky. Like I know a million people who I wouldn’t label as “homophobic” who would read this letter and think it’s fine and that maybe I’m feeling a little touchy since it hits so close to home. IT’S SO NOT FINE.
I was confused, at 14. And tried to put it off and assume the default straight-ness until I had very little idea what a relationship was supposed to mean and what actually being attracted to someone was supposed to feel like. That’s the scary part of these things. Being 14 is supposed to involve a certain amount of confusion, it’s also supposed to involve a certain amount of figuring those things out.
Otherwise, you find yourself in your late 20s and early 30s trying to figure out how to tell your loved ones that, after three failed engagements, you’ve figured out that maybe the problem wasn’t the guys, and feeling rather like you’ve wasted quite a lot of time. Not that I’d know what that feels like.
^ THIS! As I’ve state before, I’ve been married twice. Then I figured out it was the GUYS as it was ME! I was teh wrong one! I was trying to be something I wasn’t! So ^ THIS!
I so wish I’d bucked against my traditional upbringing and experimented more – then I might not be a two time divorcee! However, then I wouldn’t have my kids….so maybe I don’t wish that.
However, if you ARE questioning I think it’s every important to experiment and to try to figure out who you are before you are 32 and bursting out of the closet after two failed marriages!!!
Me Too, Me Too. Made out with several of my girlfriends when I was 12 but did not really know it meant I was different. Then we moved to a new town and I struggled just to make friends and keep my head above water. I just wanted to be normal and fit in. I spent all my time at age 14 thinking about my horse and my grades and absolutely no time thinking about my sexuality.
Looking back all these years later I can’t believe that I never even thought I was gay, all the signs were there. I missed so many wonderful years being a goober and lying to myself about what I really wanted.
I am glad that teens these days have resources such as Autostraddle. I never even knew “lesbian” was a thing until I went to college.
I can see where this woman can be construed as giving poor advice, but it’s honestly not poor advice to give to anyone at that age, straight, gay, or bi. A better litmus test would be to see what advice she gives to a similar letter from a straight kid asking something analogous, and then point fingers and cry out about heteronormative slant. I don’t read this woman’s columns regularly, so I wouldn’t be a fair judge; as such, I don’t think it’s immediately right to label her as an ignorant doofus giving out advice based on a grand hetero conspiracy without seeing how she handles the flip side of the issue.
At 14, relationships were the last thing on my mind, and my friends and I actually *did* talk mostly about academics throughout high school. It’s not as shocking as folks might think–but then again, it seems nowadays school is less a place to learn and more of an underage bar to pick up mistakes, regrets, and STDs.
I’m an adult lesbian, and I’m glad I was never pushed into outing my sexuality before I fully understood it at a later age. Society likes to brainwash youngsters into “exploring,” but it doesn’t always exhort the risks that come with that exploration as well. Before this girl goes parading out an uncertain sexuality to the world, better advice would be to direct her to books or resources where she can learn. Uncertainty usually comes from a lack of knowledge, and I do think it would be better for this girl to better understand herself before she shares excessively with others. Some people *are* vile, and sometimes life *can* be easier by sharing less information with people. It doesn’t mean living a life in the closet or under the thumb of heteronormative society; it just means living a smart life. Straight people do it, too–it’s not like heteros are out there sharing every last detail of their lives with other people.
Also, it would be good to know where this girl lives–some towns and high schools aren’t as friendly to gays as the media would have you believe.
Ultimately, she just needs to read, learn, and do some self-evaluation before sharing too much with other people. I do think it’s better to face the world when you’re much more confident and solid on your own two feet. I know it helped me.
I don’t think it would have been seen as offensive – because her basic message is good, that you don’t have to have these things all figured out at 14 – if it weren’t for a few condescending comments which really show her straight privilege. Like the one about focusing more on academics than relationships. It just shows her complete lack of understanding of queer issues to assume this is the same as a straight girl going boy-crazy. Granted, I’m also a queer girl (bi, specifically) who didn’t come out until college, and don’t feel like my high school experience was lacking that – but this girl shouldn’t squelch those feelings and questions she’s having just because school is more important. And the bigger issue is the “I knew straight people who used to think they were gay, so make sure you’re really and totally sold on this thing!” comment. The fact that she thinks it’s some horrible tragedy that a straight person might be mistaken about their sexuality for a few years, but doesn’t seem to have much concern about the reverse, is homophobic.
I also think it’s a mistake to characterize this as an issue of “pushing someone to come out before they’re ready,” as in your case. This girl is ready to be out, as she already come out to some friends. It’s just a matter of her wanting to make sure that she really is bi or gay, that she knows where her sexuality stands, before she comes out to the larger world.
Solid advice for any questioning teen,”get some piercings, pick up a bad habit preferably smoking weed/cigarettes doesnt matter, sit in the back of class dont talk to a lot of people and always take P.E. They’ll all come crawling, you’ll know when you see them on their knees who you preffer”. Slap said teen on the ass and send them into the high school world.
Where were you with this sage advice when I was 13?!?!?!?!
Why do adults insist on equating adolescence with stupidity? That was also my question. Adults say that I should always follow, obey and never reason, analyze and complain. And I blamed myself all this time for choosing a different path, and not following what they wanted for me. And it really affected my adulthood. It made me so sad. But not anymore. Not until I read this article.
“I think at your age you should be worrying about homework, academics and sports. Wait until you’re older to get serious about it and worry about it.”
OKAY. Fourteen is the age when I started having dreams about kissing girls and figured out that maybe not everyone stared at girls’ butts as they walked down the hallway. I also started an online “relationship” with a girl I met through my online journal. It lasted a month, of course. And telling a few of my friends that I was bisexual was really helpful for me because they were actually really supportive. This advice probably would’ve just made me roll my eyes.
Yeah this was the lady missing the point. Girl is worried about her identity. I was worried about the exact same thing at her age. Then a year later I KNEW I was a lesbian. At fifteen. At fourteen I have angsty journal entries about being maybe bi and hating my boyfriend, at fifteen I’m a lesbian and I’m telling people.
A year makes a big difference at that age and that girl is in the thick of it. I’m sending her my “you’ll be ok, sweetie” thoughts.
“Homework, academics, and sports”?
I don’t think Lizzie has ever been fourteen.
this is so upsetting because this woman’s repsonse is basically what i felt everyone was telling me throughout my whole life and it took me like ten years to be able to be like DUDE Y’ALL NO SERIOUSLY LIKE FOR REAL CAN WE STOP TELLING ME THIS IS PROBABLY JUST A PHASE OR MAYBE NOT WHAT I WANT OR THAT I SHOULDN’T TALK ABOUT IT, I AM A HUGE GODDAMN DYKE YOU CAN ALL DEAL WITH IT NOW, GO HOME, ALL THAT CONFUSION WAS A QUEER EXPERIENCE TOO DON’T TELL ME I’M NOT GAY BECAUSE I WASN’T GAY EARLY ENOUGH FOR YOU, LEAVE ME ALONE.
if there is one thing i wish someone had done when i was 14 it was that like, the fact that maybe i was gay was a REAL option and that there were REAL opportunities and that ten years after i started having dirty dreams about girls and couldn’t figure out why i just didn’t care about talking about boys i was going to feel GREAT about it and be REALLY HAPPY.
i wish someone had been like “you know, you might be gay, you can think about that, it’s okay, and if you are it’s not the end of the world, in ten years you are going to live in NYC and be fabulous and have a really hot girlfriend who you love and people are like going to be friends with you BECAUSE you are gay and it is going to be really FUN and you are going to be really HAPPY about it, and your’e going to embarrass yourself a lot before then but that’s what being a teenager is about and one day you will share your embarrassing babydyke stories with the internet and it will be great. so think about it, you might be gay and if you are, you’re not doing it wrong, really, even if people make you feel that way. plus there’s lots of ways to be gay too and there are plenty of girls out there in the world for you DO NOT FEAR”
UGH
“if there is one thing i wish someone had done when i was 14 it was that like, the fact that maybe i was gay was a REAL option and that there were REAL opportunities and that ten years after i started having dirty dreams about girls and couldn’t figure out why i just didn’t care about talking about boys i was going to feel GREAT about it and be REALLY HAPPY.”
Yup. I needed that same talk.
Hell, some days I STILL need that talk.
ditto that!!!
Ohh, I laughed aloud at that photo then promptly forwarded it along to my lady-friend.
I don’t think there was anything malicious about “Dear Lizzie.” I think there’s just a serious lack of reality in her world. An earlier comment talked about mistaking youth for ignorance, and I believe that’s dead on.
I think the point she is really missing is that figuring out your sexual identity is not the same as getting in a serious relationship with someone. Yeah, you shouldn’t be doing that age age 14 and especially not making it your focus. But she just wants to know she stands so she can date people. Lots of 14-year-olds date, and are able to do it without making it her life. The fact that she wants to know if she’s bi or gay does not mean it’s taking away from her academics!
UGHHHHHHHHHHHH. Thank you for writing this, and thank you for the people who posted this link in the comments to the original. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHH just spent the afternoon crying over a kid who almost killed himself over being gay (20 years ago; I think he is alive and well today…actually he read something in the paper about a gay doctor that prevented him from doing it…WHAT YOU PRINT IN THE NEWSPAPERS MATTERS.) NOT IN THE MOOD FOR THIS RIGHT NOW, MS. MAHONEY.
The only line missing from this piss-poor letter is my favorite line, “It’s natural for girls your age to have ‘feelings’ for your girlfriends…it doesn’t mean you’re not straight.” I spent 10 years thinking the crushes I had on my “girlfriends” were totally part of a normal straight-girlhood. Ooops, bisexuality!
Okay, so the advice was a bit off. This may be an unpopular opinion..
But I don’t disagree with the comment that it shouldn’t be your main concern. I didn’t figure out I was a lesbian until wayyy later. Why do you have to label yourself so early on? If she thinks she likes girls she shouldn’t have to give herself a label, or do anything different then what she is doing now.
Also you guys are making fun of her when she says its okay if you grow up to be a lesbian, that it should be assumed.. But for many they do not hear that, and she says that many highschools have GSAs. Some of my friends didn’t know GSAs existed until they were 23.
“But I don’t disagree with the comment that it shouldn’t be your main concern.”
The woman tells the girl that her main concern should be homework or some shit. What terrible advice. If you got As in school, but you have no clue who you are in terms of human relationships, don’t know how to have such things with other people, and don’t have any awareness of how you might fit into one, what the hell are you left with?
Who would actually advocate AGAINST self-investigation and self-reflection? Self-knowledge is essential for living a worthwhile life, and a major part of being 14 is growing and learning about who you are. To tell someone that they should set those things aside and instead focus on doing homework sheets and cultivating others’ opinion of them is nuts.
The girl is trying to learn about who she is, and the woman is telling her that isn’t important. HUH?
Maybe the girl learned not to ask for advice from a moron.
I truly believe that she had the best of intensions of trying to help this girl find peace of mind but I also had some rage against ignorance while reading this. Im not too upset becuase I believe the girl will eventually figure it out on her own naturally just like everyone else does.
Think about how many of us have heard some of these same things and still were able to find our own way. It’s just a lesson for that 14 year old girl to not hang on every word that someone else tells you and think for yourself. Not all advice is good advice.
Also I can somewhat relate to Dear Lizzy becuase there can be a lot of pressure put on you to handle these situations delacately. I’ve been in this same situation only the girl who confided in me was only 7. She told me “I like girls” and asked me if she should tell her parents. OMG I thought I was gonna have a heart attack from the pressure. How the hell was I supposed to answer that becuase I didnt even know I liked girls till I was 20. So becuase of this I was an adult when I made the decision to come out.
As any good listener would do I asked questions before I gave advice. And also answered some of her questions that she had for me. Together, we sorted some of the facts out and she is still not sure if she is gay, bi ect but she also knows that it is ok to not be sure of this especially at her age.
She did in fact tell her parents and her two sisters ( she only did this becuase she really wanted to). Her sisters accepted her and said they knew she was different right away. Her mom and dad of course told her that she shouldnt be thinking about this right now. But if she still feels this way in a few years they would be happy to discuss it with her again and if it turns out that she still likes girls, they will love and accept her just the same.
ThankGoddess her family was really great about it. I must admit that this damn near killed me to be that person that had the responsibility of helping this girl with this peticular issue becuase it stirred up a lot of deep wounds of my own when I came out to my family and seeing this little girl starring up at me with those big brown eyes, soaked in tears, counting on me and my expertise was terrifying. And after going through that experience I want nothing more in my life but to be a mommy x10. :)
Dear lizzie, sounds like my mom except that to my mom, gay is not okay.
But this is a reassuring thing to me, I feel a lot like that fourteen year old girl.
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