I’ve been going to hot yoga for a few months now. I say this because the best part of going to yoga is telling people that I go to yoga. Oh, me? Yeah, I’m on my way to yoga. Subtext: I’m strong and flexible, and better than you. That’s also the main reason I practice Buddhist meditation. Not just to connect to my heart and let go of my ego, but to feel superior to everyone that isn’t practicing Buddhist meditation. That’s right, bitches, I’m doing it. I’m eliminating my ego. That makes me better than you.
If you practice yoga, you already know what a beautiful experience of mind-body connectivity it is. It’s also a really good way of getting flexible enough to put your vagina right up on someone else’s vagina, with very little leg interference. Like this:
Hot, right? I If you don’t already practice yoga, I’ll illuminate the experience for you. Here is a run down of pretty much every yoga class I ever go to:
Shit. Class starts in seven minutes. This is at least a ten minute walk. I’m going to be late. This lady in front of me needs to step up her game. Lady, if you can’t walk fast get the hell off the sidewalk. Yeah, I know it’s icy. But this is real life, not a god damn rehearsal for play called Old Lady Minces Down the Sidewalk. Move move move move move.
That’s it. I’m going to be late. God damn it. They won’t let me in. I should have given myself more time. I’m going to be late. Why do I always do this? Oh, right. Because I’m a horrible person.
Yoga will be good for this, all the thinking and self-recrimination. It will help me relax. Will it help me relax? I want to relax. I want to learn how to go with the flow.
“Go with the flow?” Who am I? I don’t talk that like. I don’t want to talk like that. I don’t even want to think like that. Unless I’m high. Or on a surfboard. Or both.
Oh my god, how immediately would I die if I was high and on a surfboard? So immediately.
Being eaten by sharks would be the worst.
No. You know what would be worse? If the sharks betrayed you emotionally, and then ate you.
Okay, just be cool when you walk into the studio. Maybe you’re late. But be cool. They want calm people at yoga, not neurotic basket cases rushing in off the street. Do sharks give live birth? Also, fix your hair. There’s probably something wrong with your hair.
Am I too late? Are they still letting people in? They’re still letting people in! I timed this perfectly. Maybe I’m not a horrible person.
Oh my god, I’m a horrible person. I can’t deal with this locker room. Where am I supposed to look? Everyone is so hot. Everyone is so hot and so not fully clothed. Just let them be hot, DeAnne. They’re not being hot FOR YOU. Just let them be hot. They’re just super hot hot yoga girls.
Thank god I don’t get visible erections.
I wonder if sharks get erections.
My erections are on the inside.
Starfish are weird.
Don’t be creepy about this, DeAnne. Yes, so people aren’t wearing shirts. This is a changing room. They are changing. We are all adults here. We are all hot, shirtless adult human women. Don’t look at anyone. Don’t make eye contact. Oh god. Okay, maybe don’t look down either, because Jesus Christ, that’s an ass. That is a sweet yoga ass. Oh my god, the things I would…okay, get a hold of yourself. Just relax. Relax. You can do this. Don’t smile. Jesus. Don’t smirk. That’s worse. OH MY GOD. Are you for real biting your lip, like a dude from a sexist 80s movie? Do NOT bite your lip. Whatever you do, do NOT put a finger in your mouth to keep from biting your lip. You are the creepiest person alive. Get out of this changing room. Now.
Okay, in the studio. Here we go. What? Why does the yoga instructor have to be hot, too? Of course she’s hot. That’s the deal. That’s the deal with yoga. She’s hot and she’s going to boss you around for an hour. Try not to be into it. Don’t make this weird.
Wait, she’s going to tell when to breathe? This is bullshit. I breathe when I want to breathe. This is bullshit.
Oh, okay, she has a point. This isn’t actually so bad.
Yeah, I can do this.
No. Nope. This is stupid. Downward dog is not where I “recharge.” This is not where I find my “power center.” I recharge curled up in a plush red papasan chair eating tortilla chips and watching Netflix. That’s my power center. Not in this fucked-up V shape.
My hamstrings are burning. That girl behind me is hot. I’d like to downward dog her.
Stop it. Stop it. Stop being creepy.
Connect to the moment.
How much time have I wasted in life, perving on girls? I have a perfectly good vagina. I don’t need another one in my life. I don’t need to spend so much time thinking about girls, trying to get girls. Why can’t I just stay home with my own vagina? Why can’t I just stay home with my own vagina and a mirror? Just stay home and masturbate. That’s a thing I could do. It makes sense. I like girls. I am one. See, that works. That’s a perfect feedback loop right there.
What’s a feedback loop? It’s an electronic engineering thing. No, it’s a computer science thing. Is it a psychology thing? I should know more than I know.
I mean, I’d need wig. If I were gonna stay home and masturbate. Not just a mirror.
Definitely a wig. At least. And I’d take off my glasses. Maybe I’d wear a dress. That could work.
That would never work.
“Reach beyond your fingertips and look beyond your eyes?” What does that even mean? Am I in a yoga class or have I just dropped acid inside a Tame Impala song?
This is a ridiculous amount of sweat. I know this is hot yoga and everything, but how is there even this much sweat in me? How is this possible? This seems unsafe. Is this normal? Maybe I’m peeing. Am I peeing? How can there be this much sweat in a person? I think it’s pee. It’s pee. It has to be. I’m peeing out of my face.
This feels horrible.
Actually, this feels good. This is cleansing.
This is the worst thing ever. I am peeing out of my face. I’m going to die.
Fine. I get it, girl behind me. You’re super flexible. Oooh, look at your open hip joints! Stop showing off. We’re all going to die.
The yoga instructor’s touching me. She’s right behind me, touching me.
Don’t fart. Don’t fart now. Her face is right there. Don’t fart.
I actually am impressed by those open hip joints, though.
Toppling tree? Let’s do it. I love toppling tree. That person in front of me better not wobble, though. If they wobble, I’ll wobble. Don’t wobble. I’m trying to open up my heart here, asshole. Don’t wobble.
I bet that girl with the open hip joints is amazing in bed.
Bring your mind back to the present, DeAnne. You’re the worst.
Just be. Don’t admonish yourself. Just be.
Okay, telling yourself to be in the present is not the same as being in the present. Just be in the present.
Just be in the present.
Just be in the present.
Sweet! I’m doing it! Yoga’s working! I’m totally in the present! I’m totally at one with this moment, shutting off my overactive mi…oh shit. Never mind.
Whoa, the yoga instructor’s gonna touch me again?
Uh, pretty sure she wants me.
Wait, that was the last pose? Class is over? I did it! Namaste indeed. I recognize the light in you, too! It’s over. It’s over. Yoga can be hell to get through when it’s happening but awesome once it’s over. You just need to stay focused and know that the end is near. In that way, it’s not unlike oral sex when your neck is at an odd angle. Just stay focused. It will be worth it in the end. You can endure this.
Savasana pose. I love this one. Just lie there. Just lie there and feel superior because it’s over and you did it again, you little champ.
…
…
…What?
No! No, I didn’t just fall asleep.
Unrelatedly, what time is it?
Off to the changing room. Oh Jesus, the changing room! Yoga is the best.
So, that’s my experience of yoga. What about you? Are you into it? Am I the only one that puts the nas-tay in namaste? I probably am. I’m a horrible person. But I do yoga. So I’m also better than you.
“In that way, it’s not unlike oral sex when your neck is at an odd angle. Just stay focused. It will be worth it in the end.” This is perfect and it’s always worth it.
You have captured and conveyed every locker room experience I’ve ever had. Also, I may or may not have refused to advance beyond Beginners Yoga at my last studio because the regular yoga teacher was not as attractive as the Beginners Yoga instructor.
This is very much my experience with hot yoga. “just lie there and feel superior because it’s over and you did it again, you little champ.” Basically why savasana is my fav.
ME TOO. Savasana is when I can lie there and think about how proud I am of myself for making it through an entire yoga situation
I suddenly understand yoga
The part about peeing out of your face had me cry-laughing. DeAnne, you are so hilarious and I feel totally inferior to you because of your yoga prowess.
“Just be. Don’t admonish yourself. Just be.
Okay, telling yourself to be in the present is not the same as being in the present. Just be in the present.
Just be in the present.
Just be in the present.
Sweet! I’m doing it! Yoga’s working! I’m totally in the present! I’m totally at one with this moment, shutting off my overactive mi…oh shit. Never mind.”
mhm
I read this in your voice, amplifying the hilarity. Also, “my erections are on the inside.” Is it creepy that I plan to use that?
Since I haven’t seen one of Deanne’s comedy sets yet, I heard this all as being spoken by Tiny Pineapple, and it was the best. Tiny Pervy Pineapple.
“Tiny Pervy Pineapple?!” Sounds like a great spin-off series.
I totally heard Tiny Pineapple too!!! I think he should do all the things!!!
For me maybe a little less nas-tay and a little more competitive. Bringing my younger, more long-legged sister to class with me was a horrible idea. She totally won at yoga.
I kept reading lines and wanting to save them to quote later, but then I realized I just wanted to save the whole thing, this is amazing
“I bet that girl with the open hip joints is amazing in bed.”
I think I can speak for all yoga girls with very flexible open hip joints and say yes. Yes, we are.
uh just for the record my hips joints are super open everyone
“How much time have I wasted in life, perving on girls?”
RIGHT, DEANNE SMITH?! RIGHT!? SO MUCH GOD DAMN PRECIOUS TIME. DEAR LORD.
BABE PATROL 24/7
Time well spent is more like it! But, you know, not in a creepy way.
This was just what I need to read today! The whole thing was great, but the shark bit was kind of my favorite thing. Thank you, thank you so much for this. :D I totally less than three this!
Oh wow, hahaha this is so funny because it’s so true! ‘Hot’ yoga indeed…
This tank top feels relevant to this post and also to my daily life:
http://www.etsy.com/listing/153694336/im-just-here-for-the-savasana-yoga-shirt
oh i need this shirt
“How much time have I wasted in life, perving on girls?”
THIS! I love how it comes full circle though. A few years ago when I came out, I found myself constantly thinking “Shit, how much time have I wasted in life, NOT perving on girls?”
That was exactly how I felt when I came out! “Wait, I could have been perving on girls this whole time? Why did no one tell me this was possible? My entire youth has been wasted! Noooooo!!!!” And yes I was only 22 and being melodramatic. But still!
“Just let them be hot.”
There is so much in this statement. I could write an essay about this statement.
I have nightmares of the same thing happening to me in the locker room so I do yoga at home. LOL
Reading this has made me a much happier person. Almost as happy as I would be if I went to yoga and could feel superior about it.
Although, I have half convinced myself that it’s too “trendy” to go to yoga and thus I am actually better than people who do.
Ha, yes going to yoga to feel superior to others, so true.
Also totally read “being eaten by sharks would be the worst” in Tiny Pineapple’s voice.
oh my god. during the “peeing out of my face” part i laughed so hard i cried, and then wondered if i was peeing out of my eyes, which made me really uncomfortable. i love this.
Omg, Deanne. Marry me?! Wait, that’s creepy. Isn’t it? Whatever.
i’m in. THAT’S CREEPIER.
Yesss! Everything is coming up Milhouse!
Love this, so funny!
And now I’m gigglesnorting and my parents are giving me odd looks. If only they knew…
That locker room scene is the embodiment of high school me in every single ballet class and dressing room situation I was in. Awkward yet amazing sideboob glimpses were the best things that happened to high school me.
So I literally just got back from my yoga class and found this. Laughing so hard. I’ve never tried hot yoga cause I really don’t like sweating that much. But I’ve become obsessed with yoga overall. Obsessed.
You gotta love these true to life experiences. =p good reads today people!! GOOOOOD READS!!
Registered to comment, mostly because “I’m peeing out of my face” has me sobbing with laughter at the moment.
“No. Nope. This is stupid. Downward dog is not where I “recharge.” This is not where I find my “power center.” I recharge curled up in a plush red papasan chair eating tortilla chips and watching Netflix. That’s my power center. Not in this fucked-up V shape.”
RT
Well shoot, that sounds like more fun than wii fit yoga!
You pretty much nailed it on the head … especially on holding it in and trying not to fart as you twist the spine in certain poses! I’ve had so many people break wind during my yoga classes that you just grin and keep on moving. IMHO the main point is to not take it too seriously. :) Yes amazing things can happen as one integrates the mental awareness with the physical movement (students having sudden emotional releases during asana work at times) but I never understood the ‘yogier than thou’ attitudes or body shaming cliques which manifest in certain corners of the community. Is all a journey and yoga acts as a nice counter point to the constant and ubiquitous message of faster, more efficient, and more stressed that we are bombarded with by modern society.
I’ve taught more than a few hot yoga classes and I especially like them during the winter months where it will keep the internal body temp warmer for much longer while out in the frigid elements.
agreed. i actually really love yoga, and not just for the prime pervin’ opps.
I definitely fell asleep when I did yoga. Luckily the prof assumed I didn’t move because I didn’t understand her French. Only time I’ve ever felt good after a micro-nap, maybe I should try napping in yoga positions all the time.
…I’ve done this too. To be fair, the instructor did tell us that if we started to really get into the warm-up meditation, we could continue meditating on the floor for as long as we needed. Maybe I’m just the laziest exerciser, but I totally interpret “lie down and meditate until you’re done” as “ADULT NAPTIME YAY.”
i feel GREAT after a micro savasanap.
uch so good
DeAnne Smith is my comedy idol. So. funny.
This is exactly how my brain works. At least now I know I’m doing yoga right. Or at least like DeAnne Smith does it. Which is, of course, the only right way.
I love you DeAnne. Just like, so much.
of all the thoughtful and interesting comments, this is the type of comment i’m always secretly hoping for. PLEASE LOVE ME. uh i mean whatever yeah great glad you liked it
Oh glob I’m glad I’m not the only one who has these thoughts when doing yoga.
i feel like i just did a yoga class from reading this! there was so much greatness/truth/lolz in this IRL recap.
OMG. I somehow missed this. I was on vacation when it was posted and somehow totally missed it until I saw the link in the state of the union address.
This is my life! I go to hot yoga almost everyday and everyday I go through that exact inner dialogue. Mine also includes bits like “maybe no one noticed how I tumbled, er gracefully somersaulted out of that Headstand on to another girl’s mat” and “why does my exgirlfriend always put her mat one space away from mine, like everytime! I don’t want to be reminded of her flexibilty!”
I’m so glad you wrote this down.
thanks! :)
As a yoga teacher, all I can say – that is the truest true. Every single time.
Hilarious as always, DeAnne.