Butch Please: Butchsolutions

BUTCH PLEASE is all about a butch and her adventures in queer masculinity, with dabblings in such topics as gender roles, boy briefs, and aftershave.

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I rang in 2013 on an elevated platform under the bar at Voyeur, a nightclub playing host to Stimulus, the only lesbian party I seem to ever hear about in Philly. It was a good feeling, this whole raising my fist in the air while everyone around me screamed or covered their screams with each other’s mouths. The ceiling was painted black and rose two stories above me, indistinguishable under a sea of balloons and moving bodies. It felt like raising my fist to everything, or nothing.

I always go out on New Years’ Eve, even though I’m not the going out type anymore. I don’t know why I do it, because I know the cover charges are 150 times more expensive, and the drinks are 450 times more expensive, and slipping in vomit on the street has happened 3 times in the last 2 years. I always end up sober because I can’t afford enough to be drunk, and nothing about New Years’ Eve at a club is fun or acceptable when you are sober. Yet there’s something shallowly empowering about being out at night and knowing the rest of the city is there with you. It’s empowering the way blowing off your therapist is empowering. You feel thrilled for about a half hour, your mind overrun with all the things you can do now that you have an hour of your day back, but then you just go home and take a nap. Heading out to the club and finding the crosswalks overrun with thirty-somethings in princess crowns who are drunker than you are is exciting for the first hour or so, but then you realize that you are paying $60 to $100 to smell like sweat when you could be curled up in your bed, watching Star Trek and eating Cheez-Its.

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I got home around 7 in the morning, run down but still sort of charged, and scribbled this out on the notebook next to my bed. I think the last time I made resolutions for the new year was when I was ten and being forced to do it on construction paper so my teacher could hang it on a bulletin board. This attempt was sleepier, but seemed to have a lot more heart in it.

1. Be kinder to yourself. You are gentle with everything else in your life, and your big ol’ heart is feeling a little left out.

2. Stop being ashamed of your non-ironic love for One Direction and Justin Bieber. Listen to more Selena Gomez so your pop interests are less gender-biased. Avoid Taylor Swift, as she seems to make you irritable.

3. Don’t be such a passive little goober. Try to stop asking the people who walk all over you to back it up and try again.

4. You’re not awkward, you’re quirky.

5. Always keep a party size bag of peanut butter m&ms in your freezer, as this is already doing wonders for your happiness.

6. 2012 was the year of the bowtie. Find a new accessory. Make 2013 the year of the ascot, or the bolo tie. Mmm, bolo ties.

7. Sit down with the cat and try to talk boundaries. Make an attempt to meet him on his level and explain how peeing all over your new bed is still a tender spot for you, how you want to forgive him and move on but it’s hard when he literally rubbed his face in it.

8. Learn to prepare chicken without hyperventilating or making someone else do it. It’s just veins, and chunks of slippery fat, and weird membranes. No big deal. You can do it.

9. For the love of all that is good in this world, please get more sleep.

10. Try to actively control that really stupid grin you get when you see a pretty girl. You don’t realize you look like a 14 year old boy, but you look like a 14 year old boy. Try not to blush and get all flustered when she makes eye contact. Keep your shit together, man! Remember your name at least. You are really bad at that, seriously.

11. Eat more salad?

12. Do your goddamned laundry. Stop buying more underwear when you run out of clean underwear. H&M boxer briefs are amazing, but they are not cheap anymore. Nothing about this is economical or sane. Stop wearing your rodeoh as underwear, too.

13. Be in touch with your feelings. Let them overwhelm you from time to time. It’s not always a compliment to have people refer to you as “stoic.”

14. End this list on 14 instead of 13 because you’re superstitious as all get out. Don’t be ashamed of your superstitions, or all the things you inherited from your grandmother. Stay in touch with your mountain roots. They’re worth it.

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Kate

Full-time writer, part-time lover, freelancing in fancy cheese and cider.

Kate has written 130 articles for us.

74 Comments

  2. ’12. Stop wearing your rodeoh as underwear, too.’

    That awkward moment when you run out of clean underwear, wear your rodeo, stretch to reach something in class and the straight guys in your class ask you about your brand of underwear in front of your lecturer because they’re never heard of Rodeoh before and they like the colours.

  3. “…when you could be curled up in your bed, watching Star Trek and eating Cheez-Its.”
    Pretty much exactly how I spent my New Year’s Eve.

  4. 4. You’re not awkward, you’re quirky.
    —– Truth. Own it.

    10. Try to actively control that really stupid grin you get when you see a pretty girl. You don’t realize you look like a 14 year old boy, but you look like a 14 year old boy. Try not to blush and get all flustered when she makes eye contact. Keep your shit together, man! Remember your name at least. You are really bad at that, seriously.

    —– Don’t do it. This is seriously, seriously cute, attractive, and charming when it happens. Even if you forget your name – what a compliment to the pretty girl!

    1 – Champion. Be kind and gentle to yourself. Talking about your big ol’ heart is a great start (and super lovely, btw).

    • 10. Try to actively control that really stupid grin you get when you see a pretty girl. You don’t realize you look like a 14 year old boy, but you look like a 14 year old boy. Try not to blush and get all flustered when she makes eye contact. Keep your shit together, man! Remember your name at least. You are really bad at that, seriously.
      —– Don’t do it. This is seriously, seriously cute, attractive, and charming when it happens. Even if you forget your name – what a compliment to the pretty girl!

      Yes yes yes yes. I would DIE if someone had that reaction to me.

      • Echoing the above: DON’T STOP THIS. I loooove that moment when I realize a) yes, you’re looking at me, b) yes, you are blushing and quickly looking down at your feet, and c) it’s because you think I’m pretty. Love that. Every time. Giving a really big smile in return is basically the only way I can signal that YES, IN FACT, I AM GAY TOO.

        • Other potential responses include:
          1. Buy that kid a drink
          2. Dance up close to that person
          3. Do multiple walk bys (and smile)
          4. Say hello
          5. Wink (I totally don’t know how to wink, but if I could, I would – then probably laugh at myself)

          But of course, the really big smile is top notch!

        • I came on here to say the exact same thing!! This reaction is one of the most beautiful and charming things a grrl could ever hope to see. Don’t stop, please!

  5. #8 yes! God is raw chicken gross. I was never really honest with myself about how much I hated cutting it up and always came up with excuses for why I didn’t need to cook. Good luck getting over it! I cheated and stopped cooking with meat.

    • Yes, Thank you…but more like A LOT less yolo. That’s a phrase that should be buried for life.

    • Agreed! Those days are the best….like, ohmigod, she’s totally wearing her rodeohs….does that mean I’m going to get laid or is it just because she’s out of underwear? Does it matter? NO. Why? Because now I get to think about it all day long.

        • hi jaime! thank YOU. i’m glad you got so much love in the comments — proves our readers have excellent taste.

      • That moment when you’re not sure if she’s gay and you’re trying not to stare at her ass so much and then she bends over and you see “RODEOH” peeking out of her waistband.

  10. 4. You’re not awkward, you’re quirky.

    I think I might make this my motto. See? I feel better already.

    Unrelated – is an ascot the same thing as a cravat? I’m so confused by accessories.

  11. This article is really great! But I seem to be the only person who has no idea what a rodeoh is. Can someone please explain?

  12. I totally understand 2. I have decided to be open and accepting about the fact that I love Ed Sheeran. 1D too. I just want to be one of those boys so badly…

  13. I mean, if you never wanted to make chicken again, I bet you could find no shortage of girls willing to make you dinner.

    • I may or may not have her entire debut album on my iPod and I may or may not listen to it quite often…

      (I also openly admit to singing along loudly to “We Are Never, Ever Getting Back Together” whenever it comes on the radio…)

    • I may or may not have several Taylor Swift Albums on my iPod. I may or may not know the lyrics to all the songs and I may or may not love to play them on my guitar.

      I know she’s every feminists nightmare, but I forgive her all the “Prince on a White Horse / Damsel in distress” stuff because she just seems SO NICE.

      • I love Taylor Swift, even if she does only have, like, four songs that aren’t about boys. I get where people are coming from and all, but I’m definitely a feminist and I think that means we don’t tell other women what to write their incredibly catchy songs about.

        Also I like to replace pronouns/names in her songs to make them about girls.

        • “I’m definitely a feminist and I think that means we don’t tell other women what to write their incredibly catchy songs about”

          THANK YOU. That’s exactly how I feel about TSwift’s work.

  15. Oh my gods, I cooked with chicken once and vowed to never do it again. I always make someone else cut it for me now. Really, though, all of these resolutions would be excellent things for me to work on. Except the getting more sleep thing. I should really try to sleep less, because it’s my #1 way of avoiding things that I don’t want to deal with (#2 is watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer).

  16. When I hear the term ascot all I can think is “He really puts the ass in ascot.” Does anyone know where this is from? It’s really bugging me.

  17. Wait, why are the m&m’s kept in the freezer? I feel like I’m missing out something possibly life changing, perhaps I should put the reeses pieces in the freezer just in case

    • putting candy that involves chocolate in the freezer almost always makes it approximately 10x better.

  18. Cooking chicken is all about tipping that shit straight from the packaging into the pan, sealing it and then cutting it up with the spatula. Don’t have to touch it, or put it on your chopping board, or look at the gross parts, or nothing. If there are pieces you want to avoid (veins, funny-coloured bits), there’s an art to gouging them out with the spatula and transporting them to the bin on it.

    I honestly would not cook chicken if I had to touch it. I don’t even touch frozen chicken dinosaurs, I tip them straight from the bag too.

  23. My one and only new year’s resolution:

    1. Go to the city in which you live
    2. Magically find a way to pass you on the street
    3. Obtain said response mentioned in #10

    You know, in the least creepiest way possible. Whatever.

    OMIGOSH I LOVE THIS COLUMN.

  25. I’m *so* glad to know someone shares my love of frozen chocolate(ish) candy! My girlfriend thinks I’m crazy but seriously, there’s nothing better than sweets from the freezer! Mint aero balls are my personal favourite, but trying any bite-sized treat frozen should make everyones resolution list!

    • see, for me, peanut butter m&m’s are best when the insides are perfectly melted. Like they have been in a hot car for an hour or two. Because then the outside is just the right crispyness and the inside is melty and delicious and awesome.

  28. I think all anxious types need to try to follow #1. Being stern with yourself just makes anxiety worse! It is pretty difficult to , though.

  29. I think all anxious types need to try to follow #1. Being stern with yourself just makes anxiety worse! It is pretty difficult to quit the self chiding, though.

    #10 would kill me with cuteness.

  30. Kate, no matter how late I am for anything (which is everything usually), I will always stop in my tracks and read your articles as soon as I see them.

    This made me laugh and smile, which are things that I have resolved to do more often in 2013.

    Thanks for your amazing…everything. :D

  31. such a great laugh all the way through this.
    especially the cat one :)
    great way to look at the lighter side of new years resolutions!

  32. At first before reading, I had no resolutions for this year. Just for the fact that most resoultions just need to be done in the progress of years, not in one year. But after reading this, there are a few certain things I should at least try to change. Thanks for the reminder.

    By the way, awesome article.

  33. Oh my gosh, this is fantastic. I’m adding your resolutions to my resolution list. I’m also adding that I should watch more Star Trek and eat more Cheese-Its. I’m gonna finish working my way through every episode of Xena first though. Mm, Gabrielle.

  35. Okay. Here’s a queerly embarassing confession. I just had to Google Image search “rodeoh” because I had no idea wtf all of these comments were referring to. I must say, it looks like it would be wayyyy more comfortable than a strap.

    OH, and don’t stop wearing it as underwear. Major sexii points.

    Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some online shopping to do….

  37. Kate, I just wanted to say that your column is one of my favorite parts of Autostraddle. As always, this article is a mixture of funny, relatable, adorable, and (of course) extremely well written. Thank you for writing it. I look forward to getting a peak into your thoughts in the next one!

  38. Don’t try to hard with #10 because should the miracle happen that I got a reaction like that from someone like you I’d be just as much of a smiley, tongue-tied mess.
    Cutest thing. <3

  40. #13 – Can I please comment? PLEASE show feelings more (not just you Kate, everyone) because stoics suck. I don’t mean that in an offensive way, I mean that in a frustrated trying to get to know you kind of way. There’s someone I’ve talked to and even had sex with and yet, trying to get anything in the way of discussions, let alone emotions, is like trying to get blood out of a stone. It leaves me confused, questioning what’s going on, blaming myself, trying to come up with answers (and they’re probably all wrong), and feeling rejected. So please, for the love of god or at least that cute girl who makes you go all #10, OPEN UP! Do NOT be a stoic!

    Thank you.

    Signed,

    Girls anywhere and everywhere who just want to get to know you

  41. The optimal solution is instead of buying new H&M boxer briefs just buy more Rodeoh. You will never be unprepared!

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