Good Calzona, friends! It’s time for another Calzona Tube with your friendly neighborhood TV Calzonas! This week Carmem reviewed Vida and interviewed both queer showrunner Tanya Saracho and non-binary actor Ser Anzoategui. (If you don’t know how to watch Vida because you don’t have Starz, Carmen has the answers for you below!) Our whole team compiled a spring/summer TV preview for you. Valerie Anne recapped Supergirl’s Worldkiller extravaganza! Kayla pondered how many Black Hoods there are, really, in Riverdale. And Dorothy Snarker explained why you should be watching Killing Eve. Here’s what other Calzonas happened this Calzona!

Grey’s Anatomy 1422: “Fight For Your Mind”

Written by Carmen

This is one of those weeks where you have to start at the end of the story first, you know? I can’t hold it in any longer! And before I get to it — I want you to know, I solemnly swear this was not a fever dream. I promise that this actually happened. Deep breath. Are you ready? I’m ready (I’m not! I will never be ready!) — Here we go.

ARIZONA CALLED CALLIE!!!

ARIZONA CALLED CALLIE AND SHE IS MOVING TO NEW YORK!!!

When I tell you that I scrambled onto the tips of my toes Thursday night, and freaking screamed like I just won the Super Bowl —

Ok. Thank you for indulging my Calzona heart as it beats its loudest and most proud song! Now we can rewind back to the beginning of the story.

That is a sad, sad face Sofia. Don’t worry. I promise the story ends happy.

Sofia’s suspended from school (SECOND GRADE!! Where has the time gone? Also, she’s super tall now!) for stealing the class field trip money. A grand total of $1,200!!!! She wants to use the money to buy a plane ticket to New York. She didn’t want to tell Arizona about her big Ocean’s Eight Heist Plan because she didn’t want to hurt her Mama’s feelings.

Meanwhile, Arizona’s patient of the week has tomophobia, a fear of medical treatment. Her dad died during a routine appendectomy, and now she can’t imagine going under the knife without associating it with death. Which is a problem because her baby has spina bifida and needs to have surgery in utero right now. Arizona tries to reason with her. Maggie tries to reason with her. Nothing helps. The patient checks out of Grey Sloan Memorial against medical advice.

Arizona later cries with April in the hospital hallway. Her life is falling apart! She can’t save her patient. Sofia is depressed and miserable. It’s all bad. So, her best friend does what best friends do. She eats ice cream and gives loving advice that lights a light bulb and changes Arizona’s whole world. She’s a mom, April reminds her, and moms do what is best for their kids.

First Arizona visits her patient at home. She tells her that she understands toe curling, gut wrenching, phobia — perhaps more than most. You see, Arizona Robbins grew up a military brat. She moved bases a thousand trillion times as a kid, and her only stability was roller skating with her dad. They would pack boxes, move states or countries, and then she would break out her skates and all would be ok. Skates were her home. She skated (literally) through college, she skated in medical school — and as we all know, she rolled in on those skates and into our hearts during her very first day at Seattle Grace.

Sunshine, I am going to miss you.

When Arizona was in the plane crash, there was only one thing she could think. If they amputated her leg, she would never be able to skate again. Was that irrational? Sure. But, those skates were how she defined herself. They were her heart and safety and happiness. Arizona tells her patient, she begged her wife not to amputate. She made her promise that no one would take her leg.

We all know how that turned out.

Here’s the thing, Arizona now knows, deep in her inside places knows, that Callie made the right choice. She chose Arizona’s life. She chose Arizona’s life at a time when Arizona was too wrapped up in her phobia to make that choice on her own. And she stood firm in that decision, no matter what kind of pain Arizona wailed on her. And you know what? Arizona did skate again. Callie was by her side to help her learn.

I’ll be honest with you, when Arizona first started the monologue, I rolled my eyes. I couldn’t believe that they were going to reduce all of those years of Callie and Arizona’s love and pain into a pair of roller skates. I was wrong. By the time Arizona wrapped up, I understood the history of their relationship through an entirely new prism of light. That’s a gift.

The monologue worked on her patient, too. She faces her fears and gets the surgery! She survives, proving her own phobia wrong and saving her baby in one fell swoop! Cheers and tears all around!

Arizona’s not done yet. She has one last hard task to do. Because she’s a mom, and moms do what is best for their kids. She waits until Sofia is asleep, and has Carina over for a candlelight dinner.

We join them at the end of the meal, Carina’s face hardened into stone. Arizona tries to plead with her; she knows that Carina will think this coddling Sofia, but she has to do what she thinks is right. She has to do what’s best for her daughter if she can, and in this case she can.

Carina slams down her wine glass on her way out the door. She whips her hair around in a fury; if Arizona’s mind is made up, then why does she care what Carina thinks? Why bother defending herself at all?

There’s a beat. The heaviest thud that never makes a sound. Arizona looks to her feet, just for a millisecond. Carina licks her lips, careening her eyes to the heavens and blinking back tears.

They never say it. And maybe I imagined it. But, that beat? In my heart, that beat rang of Callie Torres. Callie who Arizona spent the afternoon seeing in a new prism of light. Callie who a few weeks ago Arizona admitted made everything in her life make sense. And maybe it’s just that Arizona doesn’t want Carina to think she’s still in love with her ex. Maybe she’s not in love with her ex, and this truly is all for Sofia. The beat weighs all the same.

Arizona comes in close, she nods her head up to Carina’s chin and gently touches her elbows. Carina grabs her by both hands and together they share a passionate goodbye kiss like the kind you read in story books.

*dramatic music plays*

That’s it. Carina squeezes Arizona’s hands one last time and walks out the door.

And that is when Arizona calls Callie, her voice a little hoarse. She thinks it’s best that Sofia move home to New York. She bends down to kiss her sleeping daughter’s forehead as Meredith’s voice over reminds us all that healing is sometimes possible. Then, Arizona nervously bites her lip.

She tells Callie that she thinks it’s best if she moves to New York, too.

I don’t know if Callie and Arizona are getting back together. But, this one perfect moment, Arizona choosing her daughter and her family and the life they built together — it’s already enough for me.

We have two more episodes to go, and it’s already the sweetest goodbye.

A happy lesbian to all, and to all a good night.

Post-Op Thoughts:

Personal fangirling aside, I feel for Carina. Arizona just asked her to move to the United States permanently like what… a month ago? And now she’s moving to New York and leaving Carina alone. Objectively speaking, that sucks.

Thursday’s episode also gave us Arizona’s last on screen surgery, which exquisitely filmed by Jesse Williams (our own Jackson Avery).

One of my new favorite games is called “Who will be the next gay girl now that Arizona is leaving”. Today’s winning contestant is Intern Taryn Helm, AKA Hellmouth, thanks to this exchange:

Hellmouth: Any minute now, she’s going to realize that I am the love of her life —
Intern Qadri: Meredith Grey is straight.
Hellmouth: Have you heard how she talks about Cristina Yang?

Damn right, Hellmouth.

Y’all, I’m very terrified for April Kepner next week.

Boobs Tube Special Edition: How Do I Watch Vida?

Written by Carmen

As we rolled out our Vida coverage this week, a frequent question that kept coming up in our replies was, “I don’t currently have Starz, but I want to watch this show and support! Is there any way I can do that?” I want you all to have nice things so I did some research. If your cable package doesn’t include Starz, or you don’t have cable at all (or even a television!) — Good news, you have options!

First, if you have cable, but your cable package doesn’t currently include Starz, you can just call your provider up directly. According to my research, on average adding Starz can will cost roughly in the range of $10 to $30. The benefit of this is that some of those prices are bundled, so you might end up getting some other premium channels along with Starz for the money. The downside is that it’s probably the most costly of what we are going to talk about here, and may or may not come with a minimum month requirement.

If you don’t have cable (or even a television), but you have working internet and an Amazon Prime account, you are still in business! You can direct order Starz from an Amazon Prime service known as “Amazon Channels”. Amazon Channels is a subsidiary of Amazon Prime’s ongoing video service. You cherry pick the premium cable channels you want to access (for our hypothetical purpose, that would be Starz), and pay for those channels via Amazon like you already do with books and movies. Each channel has its own monthly subscription, and Amazon will allow you streaming access to that channel’s content from the Amazon site (or Amazon video apps on mobile/ tablet/smart tv, here’s a list from Amazon that will tell you all the devices). As of yesterday, a monthly Starz subscription costs $8.99 a month. You can cancel any time from the “Video Subscription” tab underneath your Amazon account. The benefit of this option is ease, especially of you are already familiar with the Amazon website.

If you have don’t have cable/ television and you are not an Amazon Prime member, you have one more choice! Starz has its own independent streaming service! You can order it from the Starz website. This will allow you to stream Starz content directly on their website, but also on the Starz App from Apple and Android smartphones and tablets, along with most streaming television devices. You can check if your device is covered here. As of yesterday, this monthly subscription costs $8.99 a month, the same is if you ordered it from Amazon. And much like the Amazon offering, you can cancel at any time. The benefit of this choice having access directly from Starz without a third party intermediary.

If you were interested in checking out Vida, but felt frustrated because Starz is sometimes a hard channel to access, I hope that one of these options works for you! Let me know in the comments if I can be of additional help. And I’ll be back on Monday with our first official Vida recap! Woohooo!

Quick Hits

Westworld 202: “Reunion”

Nothing gay to report on this week’s episode of Westworld, unless you count the fact that I definitely got gayer when Dolores and Maeve faced off. Also someone on Twitter called Dolores the Khaleesi of Westworld and it’s so true. She’s going from group to group and telling everyone that they’re free, taking down anyone threatening that freedom. And she looks good doing it. Instead of pet dragons though she just has a pet Teddy. — Valerie Anne

Into the Badlands 302: “Moon Rises, Raven Seeks”

Tilda wasn’t in this episode much, but when she was there, she said one truth: “Veil deserves better.” And one lie: she had to give a fake name and she chose Calliope, arguably the most bisexual name ever. The preview images for next week show Tilda with Odessa so I’m hoping we’ll finally find out if they’re murder girlfriends or what. — Valerie Anne

Siren 107: “Dead in the Water”

It’s possible I’m projecting but it really seems like they’re still leaning into this possibility of a man/woman/mermaid throuple. Ryn still talks about “Ben and Madi” like they’re her humans. This week, Madi had to help Ryn out of trouble with the police/Madi’s father, and they decided to come out to him. And by that I mean tell him Ryn is a mermaid. Madi had to pour water on Ryn’s hand, causing her a lot of pain as it shifted into a webbed claw and back again. Madi gently put her hand on Ryn’s arm and apologized in a soft, kind voice and I dunno, y’all, I still ship it. With or without Ben. It’s just still unclear whether or not Ryn loves her humans romantically or is just mimicking the way they interact with each other as she learns to live among humans. — Valerie Anne

Star 215: “Let the Good Times Roll”

The record label is sending everyone to perform at New Orleans Pride. Noah, the label’s troublesome R&B star, doesn’t want to perform because it’s “gay shit”. Star rips him a new one, because she’s a true ally. Whatever. The thing I like most about the entire confrontation is that Star’s wrapping up its second year as the #2 most watched television show in all of black American households. So when a homophobic asshole gets promptly corrected, the message is getting through to the people at home. That matters. Simone is supposed to have sex for the first time with her new teen crush Angel (He’s also her husband — don’t ask! It’s a marriage of convenience! He needed a green card and she needed to get out of foster care!), but she’s worried. Angel thinks it’s because she’s a lesbian and is afraid to tell him. Simone loved Karen with all her heart, but she doesn’t love labels, so that’s not the problem. The problem is that she’s still healing from the abuse of her former foster father. We will have to deal with that soon! Also, there was lots of voguing and rainbows! The end.— Carmen

Once Upon a Time 719: “Flower Child”

Okay, so remember when I told you that Alice is The Guardian? Meaning she can hold all the dark magic in the universe, but not be corrupted by it? Good. Do you know else is very invested in capturing Alice’s gift for fancy magic? Her mother. Before her Adventures in Wonderland, Alice spent most of her childhood trapped in a tower like Rapunzel thanks to her mother, Mother Gothel (the witch in the Rapunzel story whose name I literally never remembered before this season of Once Upon a Time). Mother Gothel’s ultimate evil endgame is to use her coven of witches and make humans pay for, ugh, discriminating against magic folk? It’s a whole thing — the humans committed genocide on her family when she was a teenager. Anyway! Gothel gets Alice to join the coven and bring back all the bad magic by threatening her father and her one true love, Robin. At the mention of Robin’s name, Alice’s eyes grow three sizes! She agrees to do her mother’s dirty work, but I bet that won’t last long! ROBIN HOOD TO THE RESCUE!! IT’S TIME TO SAVE YOUR GIRL! — Carmen

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