Welcome to your Friday edition of Boob(s On Your) Tube! Next Friday, I’ll be covering all the bits and bobs of queerness from all the shows we’re not recapping in our regular column. I know I said I was going to do it in the last column of the month, but I’m taking an entire week of vacation the last week in March. I haven’t done such a thing since 2008, and I can’t wait! In the meantime, Shondaland marches on!

Grey’s Anatomy

Thursdays on ABC at 8:00 p.m.

Written by Aja

#EndOfMen, sorry.

This is an episode about babies! Babies, babies, babies. I hosed you last week because I was at SXSW, but I’m sure we’ll all survive. I mean, maybe. Meredith opens the episode talkin’ about how rude it is to bring babies into the world but last time I checked, she’s a mother of three. What are you on about Meredith? Guess we’ll just have to wait and see because Webber is on a tear and rounds up all the residents for a quick 101 on bedpans. Just kidding, he wants the surgeons to flex their non-specialty surgical muscles to help keep their brains supple. Seems reasonable, but of course everyone’s whining about it. BOO HOO, YOU DUMB BABIES, IT’S CALLED A JOB BECAUSE NOBODY WANTS TO DO IT FOR FREE. You can imagine who Penny gets paired up with; Amelia promptly refuses to go along with Webber’s little training exercise, which means that Pretty Penny is mewling around helplessly in the elevators again.

So that’s why Mere was talkin’ about babies. Man. Maybe it’s also because of the hot, cranky military surgeon she gave her number to last week, in which case she should really slow her roll. Jackson’s going on a date but I have no idea with whom, but he doesn’t want Kepnar to know. Kepnar is being stubborn and childish about her pregnancy, despite being 12 weeks along — always an outstanding sign of exemplary parenting! In fact, she refuses any and all testing proposed by Arizona, given what happened last time. So selfless! So responsible! Arizona is aghast and goes to the worst possible person for advice, Karev, who doesn’t want to get involved.

Callie and Amelia are harassing Meredith about her sex life during a surgery, accompanied by ringing vibrator euphemisms and everything, which is mildly inappropriate. I don’t know why Bailey’s husband is being made out to be all reckless and inept, but I fully disapprove until he discovers that a tax accountant pregnant with quadruplets is in labor way too soon, putting all four babies at risk. Can I talk about how much I love this patient? She is in an imminently dire medical emergency with Arizona pulling all kinds of Hail Mary nonsense to save her and her babies and she’s self-soothing a mile a minute by handing out random tax advice to surgeons in the OR. It’s delightful. She also answers a question I always wondered about: Do people actually get divorced for tax purposes? Because my wife and I have joked maybe one too many times about that. The more you know!

Elsewhere, Riggs is being all brash and whatever but doesn’t like it when a woman behaves in literally the exact same way as him. Typical. Also highly annoying is Edwards, who is complaining about puppies at work. Who does that?! I’m a cat person and I wouldn’t even do that, jesus christ. Wilson is complaining about Grey and just when I’m feeling like I really need out of this hospital bathroom, Edwards turns on Wilson and lays it down: “You talk and you talk about Grey, but you don’t do anything to change the situation. You get 10 seconds.” Which is about the max a person deserves to take up when they have zero intention of doing jack shit to alter the thing they are pretending to be so incredibly put out by!

This smells like the unluckiest place on earth; we need to get out of here.

Arizona can’t deal with the April thing, so she confronts her again and it goes about as well as you’d think, in addition to juggling a never-attempted, history-making gamble in the OR that ended well for all. (Yay, truly wonderful tax mama and her babies!) Riggs just can’t let a bloody sleeping dog lie, so he nags Amelia about Penny and eventually goads Penny into yanking her spine out of the nearest biohazard waste bin and using it to perform a ventriculostomy (basically drilling a hole in the skull to drain the brain), which infuriates Amelia, which almost, almost makes Riggs actually giggle with delight. After stewing awhile and realizing that Riggs won’t crawl out of her ass about it, Amelia finally involves Penny in a thing. The patient dies on the table anyway. Yay?! Later, Hunt tries to comfort a Amelia, who is grappling with Penny’s “microscope hands” and the fact that she is very much predisposed to become an excellent neurosurgeon, which would mean that Amelia is in every way obligated to teach her. I thought Hunt was canceling dinner to take her to the roof vent, but he just unleashes like a dozen tiny fluffmuffin puppies on her and one licks the camera!

But first CUDDLES.

OMG, Bailey hires the accountant! DYING. I love that woman. The tax mama. And Bailey! I love them both! I think we’re supposed to feel like this signifies some big rift between she and her husband, but I’m not sure how delegating complicated bureaucratic tasks to paid financial service professionals when you’re a well-off, time-pressed power couple is a bad thing.

I can almost not bring myself to put pen to paper where Kepnar is concerned, after Karev folded and told her she should really just talk to Jackson about the baby. She said both he and Arizona were like “the Supreme Court” and then went on an epic martyr rant about doing all this — putting herself and her unborn child at risk and carrying on as though she can keep a pregnancy from the man she was married to — to spare Jackson in all his devoid-of-god-glory, since he doesn’t have faith to rely on, like her, in these dire times of need and uncertainty. Dude, come on. It is her body and her baby, and she can do whatever she damn well pleases, that’s non-negotiable, but don’t insult your ex-husband by draping your resentment (of his faithlessness) with pity and fake benevolence “for his own good.” That shit is condescending and self-serving as hell, but even she doesn’t deserve what happens next: Looking for him, presumably to finally tell him, she bursts in on Arizona beating him to the punch. YIKES, YOU GUYS. I do not like this!

After one last dressing down from Grey, Wilson finally takes Edwards advice and stands up to Meredith, who is like, “Ew, this is really boring,” but when Wilson crosses the line and flat-out snaps, “Get your own boyfriend,” Grey’s response is “Are you finished?” accompanied by the kind of stern, why-must-you-make-this-so-difficult face only a mother is capable of, and then walks away. But a little later on, Callie and Pierce let her know she’s kinda extra toward Wilson, and Grey ends up apologizing to her, not excusing her behavior toward her but explaining that she is protective of Alex because he’s had a rough go of it pre-Jo.

And then she says, in an awkward, sloppy, vaguely endearing rush of words, “But, you know, you are what you allow. And if you let them pluck off your shiny little insect wings, they will, so don’t let them. Don’t let me. Understood? And for the record, Wilson, I am rooting for you to stick.” WTF?! You’re a weirdo, Meredith Grey, never change. Heading home for the night, pondering a reply to the cranky hot surgeon’s attempts to set up a date, suddenly he materializes at the Grey-Sloan Memorial entrance, and — I kid you not, this is verbatim – says to Mere, “Looking into my very nice face makes it hard to say no.” Does it, though? You’re no McDreamy!

How to Get Away With Murder

Thursdays on ABC at 10:00 p.m.

Written by Sadie

You can stay in D.C. with those axe-murdering yahoos or you can move to New York with your girlfriend? Seems like a no-brainer to me!

This is it!

This week on how to get away… just… how to get away. It may be the final episode of the season, but it’s certainly not a conclusion.

Let’s get into it: Annalise is missing. Caleb is missing. And the Keating 8 are on the case. Laurel stumbles into Annalise’s house and seems significantly more hungover than the rest of the group. They’re all trying to figure out where Annalise could have gone when Laurel pulls Frank into the other room. She tells him that she may have kinda-sorta been the cause for Annalise current MIA status. Frank’s not so sure. But instead of responding or even really listening to Laurel like a normal human being, he just stares off and:

It’s ten years in the past and the woman who picked up Frank in the bar takes him to her room and pulls out a suitcase full of money from under the bed and offers its to Frank. What’s that all about?

Back in the present, Bonnie interrupts to say that they figured out where Annalise is, she’s in Memphis at her mom’s but since we already knew that it’s a bit anticlimactic for the viewer.

Annalise is home. And so is just about every other family member in town and presumably some people she is not related to. Like Thelonious, a man who clearly talks too much but whom Annalise can’t pay attention to because he is wearing Sam’s old suit. This might not be the grounding a situation that she expected. Especially when her father shows up. There’s obviously a lot going on there, but Annalise just walks out without saying a word.

Back in what I assume is 2005, it turns out the large sum of money is in return for Frank planting a bug in Annalise room at the hotel. He is under the impression it’s to help cause a mistrial or something equally foolish.

Back in the present the, K8 — oh, wait does Nate make it K9? Anyway, Nate informs the team that there’s an arrest warrant out for Annalise and that she needs to come in.

Meanwhile back in Memphis, I’m sure Annalise would rather be in custody than at this dinner party.

At the house, Wes tells Laurel that he needs to go to New York so he can meet Old White Dude and confirm that he is Wes’ dad. This, obviously, leads to Wes and Laurel almost but not quite kissing before Frank walks in the door as if he listening with his ear pressed up to it. Laurel tells him to chill out because honestly in the grand scheme it’s probably not the worst thing that they’ve found out about each other.

In Memphis, Anneliese’s gentleman caller, Nate, has come to get her. She needs to go back and face the warrant. Before all that Anneliese’s mom wants to feed him because, you know, that’s what moms do.

Meanwhile at the Keating house, Asher and Micheala are simultaneously making out and talking about how they should not be making out. This leads to more making out. Then Micheala abruptly leaves the room. There will probably be more making out at a later date. There I said it! I said something about Masher? Asheala? Either way. It’s done. That’s probably the last I’ll ever say about it.

You’re right, mom. It’s time to find out how to get away with being a misandrist.

As the dinner continues in Memphis, Nate fields a bunch of invasive but not uncommon questions. I just want to take this moment to say that all this family stuff with Annalise is awesome and perfect. Especially between her and her mom, there are just so many moments in this episode where it seems like they’re actually mother/ daughter*. The dinner comes to a head when Annalise’s father talks about how hard it would be for a career woman to have a child and then Annalise calls him out about how he was for leaving them. Her mother defends him and makes a very cutting statement about how Annalise never had a child with Sam. Later on that night, after everyone has left, Annalise tells her what happened, tells her about the child that she almost had but then lost.

Charles Mahoney, aka Old White Dude, seems to be on everyone’s mind. It was during his case that analysts lost their child. Frank knows that that was because of him and the deal he made. And all Wes can think about is whether or not he’s his father and how he’s going to sneak out of this meeting to get to New York. Everyone is thinking about Old White Dude except for Oliver, who is actually working on the case at hand, and he manages to hack security footage in the station to find the informant.

That night down in Memphis, Anneliese’s mom holds an impromptu funeral for the child that didn’t live. First Annalise doesn’t want to do it, but she writes a letter to her son and then buries it in the yard. This actually seems to give her a lot of comfort and the will to go back and deal with the mess at home. That is after she confronts her father and realizes how similar the are. That and the 23 voicemails on her phone and a well timed phone call from Micheala about how Caleb ratted them all out.

Anneliese goes to the police station, without a lawyer because obviously she’s the best lawyer on the show and she’s taking herself so I mean that’s good enough. DA Denver accuses her of orchestrating the whole murder and cover-up leading to a false accusation and the blackmail of Caleb. Annalise then flips it around on him and says that it was actually Caleb who killed their mother and she has proof. Proof she obtained from Philip, which makes sense because she got away from him way too easy, proof in the form of a Fitbit which could be pretty damning evidence. That is if any of this evidence would actually be admissible in court which I doubt but it’s television and it’s a rather decent conclusion. It’s at this point we might find out that one of the most wanted people around is just kind of standing in the police station.

Bonnie kicks everyone out of the house, knowing that Annalise doesn’t want to see any of their faces. She waits for Annalise to get home to tell her that Frank thought he was doing what he had to do. Annalise says that Frank and Sam did what they did for themselves. Annalise is over men, and specifically those two men. She says that Frank “needs to go” which is a very vague and ominous warning considering everything that’s happened on the show. The next thing we see is Laurel showing up to the apartment and all of Frank’s clothing is gone. There’s no note or sign of a struggle, although I’m not wholly convinced that Frank just left on his own accord. That mystery, unfortunately, will probably be left to next season.

It’s at this point in the last few minutes of the show when Wes arrives in New York and sees Old White Dude and approaches him to tell him that he thinks he might be his son. The rich Old White Dude looks him up and down as if this kind of thing may have happened in the past and says, “How do you know?” And then promptly gets a bullet to the head.

Who shot him? Who knows! But the dude totally had it coming. I guess we’ll figure that out next season?

Oh yeah, and Caleb appears to have slit his wrists in the tub, which seems … sudden. Maybe he thought there was no way out and he was actually caught? Is the Fitbit information actually real? Did he actually kill himself? Is Frank actually gone? Is Nate ever going to actually do anything that causes Annalise to swear off men forever and move to New York and live with Eve?

So that’s it, everyone. That was season three of HTGAWM. If it wasn’t for the fact that Annalise is the most badass bisexual lady on television, I would totally call it queerbaiting, in the sense that there was a lot of lead up to Eve and how she presumably had a part in all of this and then totally didn’t. But at least they are totally both still alive! No literal Lesbian Bed Death in this show. It’s unfortunate Nate is literally the sweetest person in the world and I’m sure if it wasn’t for him, Annalise would swear off all men altogether and move to New York and live happily ever after with her true love. Alas.

* I’m sure there lots of subtle nuances in the black family dynamic that I totally missed and am unqualified to speak on, but I’m sure you fine members of the commentariat will have some enlightening things to say about it!

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