Just in time for National Girlfriend Day yesterday, Charli XCX released a new version of “Guess,” — my personal song off of the bonus track version of Brat — that features queer pop star Billie Eilish, complete with a sweaty, dirty, delicious sapphic music video. And lemme tell ya, THIS SHIT IS GAY AND HORNY AS HELL!!!!!! I can’t stop watching! Help!

In the music video, Charli parties in a dingy, carpeted apartment, and I have never wanted to crash an apartment party more. I feel like I can smell and taste this place. The lyrics to the song remain the same at first, already pretty horny to begin with. But then Charli shakes things up at the end of the first chorus, with this little ditty: “Eat it up for lunch, yeah, it’s so delicious.” A reference to Billie’s sexy summer cunnilingus bop “LUNCH.”

Sure enough, Billie comes crashing into the song for the second verse. And in the music video, she quite literally comes crashing in to the party in a construction truck. She essentially announces that she and Charli have probably fucked? I mean, that’s my personal interpretation. I suppose she comes just short of saying that outright and couches things by the end of her verse, but just take a look at these lyrics in their entirety:

Don’t have to guess the color of your underwear
Already know what you’ve got goin’ on down there
It’s that lacy black pair with the little bows
The ones I picked out for you in Tokyo
I saw them when you sat down, they were peekin’ out
I’m gonna tell you right now, they’re all I’m thinkin’ about

I wanna try it, bite it, lick it, spit it
Pull it to the side and get all up in it
Kiss it, bite it, can I fit it?
Charli likes boys, but she knows I’d hit it
(Knows I’d hit it)
Charli, call me if you’re with it

Excuse??? ME??? These lyrics might have even Chappell “Knee Deep in the Passenger Seat” Roan beat in terms of unapologetically queer and horny pop lyrics. Billie bought Charli a lacy black pair of underwear in Tokyo? Can I fit it? CHARLI LIKES BOYS, BUT SHE KNOWS I’D HIT IT? I mean, so much of the point of this song is to be performatively titillating and to literally tease the listener. But I don’t think Billie and Charli are simply poking fun at the voyeurism and hyper-sexualization that’s often directed at queer women; the music video places their desires and flirtatious vibe completely in their control. They literally ascend a mountain of bras and underwear together and then roll down it. It’s goofy, sexy, silly fun.

And in my opinion, it’s not queerbaiting, though I anticipate that criticism will surely surface about it. There’s a playfulness to the lyrics and music video, but it also doesn’t feel like just a joke by any means. I buy Charli and Billie having this flirty, hard-to-define dynamic! Also, sometimes you do simply lust for a friend who is maybe possibly straight and who maybe possibly is turned on by your lust for her. People are messy! “Guess” is getting to the truth of something underneath its smutty lyrics. In 2019, Charli XCX said she was not bi in a social media video, but there was also once a video of Billie saying she was straight, so people evolve, change, and being in the spotlight at a young age probably makes it that much harder to figure out your sexuality!

(Also, in very on-brand news for me, I can’t stop thinking about their age gap! Billie is 10 years younger but also, seemingly, the top here? FASCINATING.)

Brat Summer was already for the gays in my opinion, but now that’s especially true. Sorry in advance to my friends, as I will be immediately commandeering any screen I’m near at any party to play this music video until people are absolutely sick of it and me. Sorry to my coworkers, because any time they are trying to ask me a serious question, I will probably just be thinking of the lyrics “Charli likes boys, but she knows I’d hit it.” Charli XCX and Billie Eilish’s “Guess” is my official song of the summer, and now I’m off to build a playlist of the filthiest, horniest queer pop songs, a blessedly growing subgenre!

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