I went to see Barbie as one must in order to be a part of The Conversation happening right now, and also, with the express purpose of trying to assign a Barbie (or Ken) to each of the zodiac signs. 

As I sat next to my friend in the “Ken” jacket they embroidered and listened to the echoes of explosions from Oppenheimer coast over an emotional moment between Margot Robbie’s Barbie and Ryan Gosling’s Ken, clarity visited me — I knew which zodiac sign Stereotypical Barbie was and the rest of the pieces started to fall into place after that. Because what better thing to think about as wildfires rage and the hand of state repression slowly closes around us than which Barbie character you are according to your zodiac sign? But in all seriousness, let’s have a little Barbie astrology fun!

And also do you ever think about dying?

Aries: (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

Ken played by Simu Liu

You’re kind of an antagonistic guy, aren’t you? But it’s really just because competition is just a part of your character, like it came packaged with you in the box with all your accessories. Still, at the end of the day, when push comes to shove and pecs come to pecs, you know where your heart is (it’s under your pecs). But also, your friends have your heart, even if you give them a hard time sometimes. It’s only because you’re secretly just as vulnerable to getting your feelings hurt as the next Ken.

Taurus: (Apr 20 – May 20)

Supreme Court Justice Barbie played by Ana Cruz Kayne

Work hard, play hard, and do it with a smile so bright it’s blinding. As a Taurus, you’re stubborn and bullish enough to push yourself to the highest court in Barbieland. And hey, if so many of our IRL Supreme Court Justices can have the morally bankrupt backgrounds that they do, I don’t see anything wrong with you being a bit of a (plastic) party girl.

Gemini: (May 21 – Jun 20)

Gloria by America Ferrera

Just when we think we know who has the most Main Character Energy, you show up. You’re a dark horse of a main character because you don’t have a problem letting other people shine, but when you open your mouth and throw down a monologue — you can bet it’ll be some serious truth. No one can pick a friend up out of a depressive funk like a Gemini, and if my alternate dimension city-state without real food ever had a crisis, I’d call on you.

Cancer: (Jun 21 – Jul 22)

Mermaid Barbie played by Dua Lipa

Pools! Fins! Glamour! Glitter! Big Siren Energy! You’re ruled by the moon, by dreams and psychic visions — and what kid didn’t secretly wish they could breathe underwater, swim like a dolphin, find sunken treasure and sing out across the ocean waves? You might be an adult, now, but you still carry that dreaminess, that vision of something that is just a little bit more than reality with you wherever you go — and the tail thing is kind of hot.

Leo: (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

Ken played by Ryan Gosling

When you’re bringing the camp and the peacocking and the loyalty — you’re a lot of fun. But, Leo, when you’ve had your pride wounded, I know we all need to watch THE FUCK OUT. You’re kind of scary when you get on one, did you know that? Anyway, keep stylin, try to keep that fire energy in check and know that you, Leo, are Kenough, whether it’s your turn in the spotlight or not, you always bring your own shine with you wherever you go.

Virgo: (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

President Barbie played by Issa Rae

Barbie, Virgo, Madame President, you have a presence that holds the attention in a room. It’s not because you’re showy, it’s because you’re In Charge. However, there’s also a bit of michieviousness to your character, played by Issa Rae. Rae recently said she regrets not stealing something, anything from the Barbie set for her niece. I love that you’re in charge, but that you also know you have to let off some steam and get a little naughty sometimes, too. When you’re going about your day today, know that the rest of us are all grateful for the items you check off your to-do list, because in so many important ways, you make the world go round.

Libra: (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

Sterotypical Barbie played by Margot Robbie

IIIIIT’S STEREOTYPICAL BARBIE! Libra, you’ve got a closet, but you’ve also got brains. The thing is, you might just be the most glammed up person at the party, everything perfect and on point — and then, yes, you will totally just say “Do you ever think about dying?” while some of us are just trying to chill. You’ll be painting your nails or bedazzling an item for your next dance night and telling your friends about this serial killer you were researching. When faced with unfairness, you’re at once inspired into action and overwhelmed because it guts you. You just want people to get along and for the world to be just! And it isn’t! That can be hard to hold, Libra, but I believe that you’ve got this. You’re pretty and pink, you’re staring into the abyss, you’re cognitive dissonance, you’re Barbie!

Scorpio: (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

Mattel CEO played by Will Ferrel

You trade in pink plastic and dark secrets, all with a smile on your face. Even if a Scorpio has never said “Call me mother” in a soft voice to me while trying to restrain my wrists, I do believe it is exactly what a Scorpio would do.

Sagittarius: (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Lawyer Barbie played by Sharon Rooney

Sagittarius, you have a lifelong love of learning that could certainly lead to you obtaining an advanced degree and passing the bar, but this is less about being a lawyer and more about the energy that Sharon Rooney is bringing to this role. The way she screams, the way she moves, the way she tricks the Kens when she snaps out of it — and above all, her introductory impassioned speech. This is you, your energy. You’re a little (or a lottle) silly, but you’ve got a razor sharp wit and are fueled by that firey Sag electricity that anyone who knows a Sagitarrius is familiar with.

Capricorn: (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Doctor Barbie played by Hari Nef

Capricorn, you would be both a medical doctor and a DJ. It’s just what you’re bringing to the table. You’re not afraid of a little blood (or…? whatever is inside these Barbies? now I’m picturing a Barbie full of blood). You’re smart as heck, but you’ve also got a side that is in touch with your most primal desires. You can lose yourself in a good beat, in another person’s embrace, in a night of revelry — and show back up the next morning to do it all again. You might not have the most comforting bedside manner, and this might extend to social situations as well (please see: being the first to vomit at Barbie’s flat feet), but when you need to take charge and handle a crisis, we’re just lucky to have you around.

Aquarius: (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

Weird Barbie played by Kate McKinnon

I think you knew this was coming, Aquarius. How many times have you had to be the queer that your straight friend seeks out when her life is falling apart? How many times has this straight woman not even really been your friend, but still needed your Doc-Martin-Wearin’ perspective? You’re so individualistic that people often feel like they can be open about how strange they think you are to your face. But don’t let that get you down. Your Tank Girl / anchoress / model-building sense of self and un-brain-wash-a-ble perspective have frequently been life-saving. Guard what makes you precious, even if it isn’t always so pink or pretty. You — and the people around you — need you just as you are.

Pisces: (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

Allan played by Michael Cera

There’s only one Allan! Ken’s clothes fit you! Allan is deeply queer, not in ways that are about flash and camp, but to his core — and so are you my dear friend. Allan is also the perfect embodiment of the oldest sign of the Zodiac for his quiet wisdom. He doesn’t side with the Kens, and instead, does his own thing, often socializing with the Barbies or taking his own place between the strict binary worlds of the Barbies and the Kens. I swear that if we got to spend more time with you, Pisces / Allan, we’d find out you were an oracle or something. You, Pisces, know that you don’t have to be loud and flashy to be Queer with a capital “Q,” you just have to kill the gender cop in your head (and drop kick anyone trying to build a wall). Thank you for showing us the way to a quiet kind of freedom.

This piece was written during the 2023 WGA and SAG-AFTRA strikes. Without the labor of the writers and actors who are currently on strike, movies like Barbie one would not be possible, and Autostraddle is grateful for the artists who do this work.

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