It’s our 12th Birthday and we are CELEBRATING the heck out of the last of our tween years with quizzes, advice to our tween selves and this very A+ AMA!
You can ask us about so many topics: including but not limited to Tarot, gender, budgeting, dating, movies, pop culture, sports, D&D, sobriety and MORE!
We’re here all day from 9am PST to 8pm PST! Curious about something specific? Check out the schedule — and our team’s areas of expertise — below. Pop your questions in the comments, and feel free to hop in and chat with other A+ members, too. Thank you for being an A+ member!
We know not everyone can give on top of their membership, but we are in the home stretch for our fundraising goal. If you can, will you consider contributing $12 in honor of Autostraddle’s birthday? Thank you for all you do to keep Autostraddle here and working. We hope you enjoy the AMA!
Who’s Going to Be at the AMA and When:
Senior team: Carmen, Heather, Laneia, Nicole, Rachel, Riese, Sarah — in and out all day!
9-11am PST: Meg Jones Wall, Carolyn Yates, Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya
Meg Jones Wall is available for questions on tarot, witchcraft, numerology, the moon, cooking, photography, writing, being married, getting divorced, home decor, dogs, bisexuality, evangelical faith (and leaving that faith), candles, tea, skincare, and probably some other things too!
Carolyn Yates is ready to answer your questions on sex, BDSM, relationships, polyamory, dating, sex toys, and let’s be honest home decor.
Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya is excited to discuss dating and relationships, breakups, couples therapy, books, writing, pitching/freelancing, food/cooking, general life advice.
12pm-2pm PST: Vanessa Friedman, Drew Gregory, Ro White
Kayla is hanging around, and she will be joined by…
For Vanessa Friedman, truly the sky is the limit! Ask about anything! The history of Autostraddle, sex and dating, getting an MFA, writing, big grief, friendship, existing on the internet for better or worse for 10+ years, DIY home project, cooking and baking, gardening, being sad, managing COVID in community, and advice of any kind!
Drew is excited to talk about Movies! Dating! Trans stuff!
Ro White is prepared to talk about how to build a career as a performer, mental health sex, sex toys, relationships, dating, body image.
3pm-5pm PST: Drew Gregory, Shelli Nicole, Himani, Ro White, Natalie
Drew and Ro are both doing a second shift! And they will be joined by…
Shelli Nicole, who is excited to hang out with everyone and chat about dating, pop culture, communication skills.
Himani who’s ready to talk about living alone in the pandemic, coming out older, navigating limited relationship experience, as well vegetarian and vegan cooking.
And Natalie, an all around expert on sports, politics, TV, and music!
6pm-8pm PST: Vanessa Friedman, Valerie, Bailey
Vanessa is coming back to hang out for our last shift of the day! She’ll be joined by…
Valerie Anne who’s excited to chat about queer television, D&D, friendship stuff, and all your writing advice needs.
And Bailey who is ready to talk to you all about budgeting, race, school, sobriety, travel, work, quite literally whatever floats your boat!
is this the place to ask? i wanna ask!
Yes! Ask here!
oh it’s not nine am yet on the east coast. can i start asking?
this question is for houseplant people (vanessa maybe?) – how do you chill out from wanting to monitor the little leaves unfurling all day? i feel like i want the amount of emotional engagement that a cat or dog would serve, but it’s just a plant and you literally have to wait because it doesn’t change from hour to hour.
okay and another question for members of the jewish people: i organized last year’s extended family zoom seder and it was bomb. but the thought of doing ANOTHER virtual seder is so bleak. in real life we basically do the same conservative hagaddah every year and the thing that makes it fun is, you know, meeting. so last year’s zoom was more interprative and discussion based. so for round two… should i mix up the texts and discussion prompts? or go with what worked last year? i just wanna revert to live n’ normal so badly!
what if, instead of chilling out on monitoring your houseplants, you instead dedicated a whole photography project to them, where you set up a camera for a daily photo, and did timelapse videos!!!!!!! LEAN INTO THE LACK OF CHILL, I SAY.
okay first of all i am DEEPLY moved that you think of me as a houseplant person, i am so far from being a houseplant person, i am like, the person you don’t even want to watch your plants for 5 days while you go out of town because i will absolutely accidentally kill 75% of them because i’m so NOT a houseplant person. so i am wishing you luck on this journey and also i am not helpful on it at all, although i do love laneia’s idea so maybe we should all just lean into our lack of chill about everything these days!
i do have an opinion about the virtual seder though! i agree with you, i actually really loved my virtual seders last year, but doing it again feels so sad. it’s okay though! we are staying the course and soon we will be celebrating jewish holidays together in person again. not just yet though. i’d check in with your family and see what they think! did they love last year and want to keep it the same? are they ready to switch it up? maybe every family members comes with one question they want to discuss so it doesn’t all fall to you to plan it? if you like taking charge and everyone enjoys you planning it, though, i’d say switch it up. why not? we all need a little more variety these days. (early) chag sameach!
How do you graciously exit a friend group that you feel like you’ve outgrown? I don’t mean that I’m better than them, but I’ve grown to realize that my experiences are different from their’s. I don’t hate them – I just feel like I question my reality/success a lot when I’m around them. They are mostly privileged, thin, conventionally good-looking white queer cis femme women with good careers. Maybe I’m overthinking things because I’m insecure about my own circumstances.
You’re craving friendships with people who can better understand your experiences, and that completely makes sense!
Define for yourself what “exiting” a friend group looks like. Do you want to completely cut these people out of your life, or do you just want to spend less time with them? If it’s the latter, then changing your relationship with this friend group probably doesn’t require a big, friendship breakup conversation. Just start saying no. Say no to group hangouts. Stop immediately responding to your group chat. Once you start putting more love and energy into the relationships that *are* serving you, you’ll be less available for this stuff anyway. And when you choose to say yes, make sure you’re saying yes in areas where this friend group adds value to your life. Maybe you don’t get a ton of emotional support from heart-to-heart conversations with them, but you *do* enjoy being silly and playing board games with them.
wanted to chime in to say that i absolutely agree with ro! i think outgrowing friendships, or realizing that you want to create a community of people that are more aligned with who you are at present, is a very normal and relatable experience. friends can hold different roles in our lives, at different times, and i applaud you for recognizing that this group isn’t feeling as good for you as it used to.
give yourself permission to prioritize the relationships that you want to expand and invest in, to respond to the invitations and conversations that really resonate, and to leave the rest alone. this can be a gradual process, as you figure out how much space you want to give this group and gradually put more time into different connections. you’re allowed to have friendships that make you feel supported and encouraged, instead of always questioning yourself, so put your energy into people that make you feel great.
You do not have to “graciously” do anything -nor do you have to explain yourself to them. If you have outgrown a group of friends you can simply say that in one big old group chat and say “Hey, It’s been real the past few years s friends but I need to step away from everyone so that I can grow into myself and who I am”.
They might talk shit about you, they might keep reaching out and trying to kick it, they may even try to get you to explain yourself more.
but if they talk shit – thats none of your business and try not to even think about that.
If they keep reaching out – its up to you to either reiterate (but that could welcome more discourse that you aren’t trying to engage on) or just block them.
If they ask for an explanation – You can say you’ve said all of what you needed and feel comfortable with.
You do not have to make people feel comfortable about a decision that you have decided will make you feel better as a person.
As you grow more into yourself, the right new homies will come along or you will seek out the new crew that fits you.
I want to ask for advice regarding talking about/introducing my nonbinary partner who uses they/them pronouns to my parents (who for context are homophobic, don’t really accept me, are a huge part of why I took 35 years to come out).
The only reason my parents are still in my life is that they are kind to my son but honestly this could easily be a question about when to cut people out of your life and your child’s life if they reject your identity and don’t share a single one of your values.
i imagine there will be other staff members with more specific insights into how to help you, but i want to first ask: what are you hoping that this introduction will accomplish? do you want your parents to meet your partner because you’re hoping that this will facilitate a new pathway to acceptance? or does it simply feel like something you’re “supposed” to do?
i think it’s important to consider what impact this introduction will have on you, and your partner. will this strengthen your bond, or will it make your partner feel unsafe? are you setting yourself up for disappointment? do you want these people you love to feel obligated to be kind to your parents, simply because they are blood relatives? you get to make the rules about who is in your life, about what kind of access your parents have to your son and your partner, about how much rejection you are willing to endure in order to keep them in your life. how is this connection serving you? is it doing more harm than good?
Thank you. I feel like I accidentally got clarity asking the question because I don’t plan to ever introduce my precious boo to my parents at this point. I guess there’s no reason I need to share my life with my parents either but assuming I am on cold polite speaking terms w them how should I refer to my babe? My partner? I refuse to downplay to “friend”, don’t want to bother trying to explain nonbinary to my parents (who don’t believe trans people exist) , and girlfriend isn’t an appropriate description for their gender. I suppose even though it’s only been 3 months, we are considering moving in together so will go with partner for now. But yeah, that’s the context.
i like partner or person, but i would also chat with your babe and see what feels good for them! i think you can talk to your parents about how important this person is in your life, and encourage them to use the correct pronouns, without necessarily having to introduce them to each other if that doesn’t feel good.
1) Heather, you mentioned pictures of your cats’ paws?
2) anyone wanna share a favorite memory with other AS team members? whether that be at camp, on slack, or in a regular person context?
okay there are so many, i probs will keep coming back to this
+ i remember in summer 2010 waking up in my room with laneia at a late hour bc we probably were drunk the night before, and all the interns were in and out of my apartment because they’d all come to nyc for our pride party, and they were like WHAT DO YOU NEED cuz they were so excited that for the first time in their lives as interns, they could get us coffee and bagels, because we’re a virtual office so the traditional “intern things” never happened. and they were so giddy and then we sat in bed with them eating bagels and drinking coffee and feeling alive and full of hope
+ first night of camp april 2012, when everything was messy and transportation had been a nightmare but we finally got there and it was camp and it was dark and there was a fire and there was a whole group of these wildly stoked campers cheering and i felt like my soul had left my body and also like you guys we did it, we did the impossible
+ i love remembering how i met people who would later become huge parts of my life, like also at that first camp i’d decided to do one-on-one writing tutorials with ppl and one of them was with this camper @floralprintdress (vanessa) and i was nervous about it bc this was the last day of camp and i’d already realized a few times that just because it was my camp didn’t make me any more graceful socially. so i’d asked intern grace if she could come in and tell me that she needed me after 30 minutes just in case it had gotten awkward and i needed out BUT we were just talking about her story but then about girls and then about our whole lives and i just wanted to keep talking to her forever! and grace came in and was like, “we need you” and i was like “are you sure?” and she was so confused and came back like every ten minutes trying to give me an exit like trying to communicate with me through facial expressions instead of through words and it eventually became very funny. when i think about it i remember how grace’s eyes were so caring and kind, and the energy that kind of radiates from vanessa’s body for life and connection and writing
I’m actually crying at these beautiful examples of queer community that I have craved my whole life. Getting more merch immediately to help ensure that something like this can still exist again in person, goddess willing. 😭😭😭❤️
ok not sure if this story is funny to anyone but me but one time at camp i was walking with erin sullivan and stopped abruptly because a BEE flew INTO MY CHEST with so much force and i tried to tell erin that a bee flew into my chest but she thought i said BIRD!!!!!!! again this might only be funny to me, but i crack up every time i think about it.
a more serious memory is when riese was in new york during the worst summer of my life and was like “so i see u have been depressed online” and she was absolutely correct i was depressed online and also in real life/every day and i ended up finally being able to talk about the stuff i had been silently going through at the time!!!! also it was pride and we were eating at a mediocre restaurant on sixth ave in the west village with a bunch of other queers so it was just an all around gay experience full of emotional processing and guacamole
I can confirm the bee/bird story did make me laugh
+ even though i acted horrified like a teenager at the time, when my mom came over during shakedown to bring us (mom things??) (rice krispie treats???) (pizza??) in 2017, and somehow heather, sarah, rachel, yvonne and laneia were sketching out the bones of a lesbian sitcom WITH MY MOTHER
+ at camp in 2016 on the night before the campers came when i mentioned to erin that in 8th grade i’d written a NOVEL about a pyromaniac named erin who was running away from home with her brother tommy and she was like…. we must. and so we went to laneia / rachel / heather / yvonne’s room and did an official reading of the truly terrible story with all of us playing different characters and it was so funny!
Does anyone have experience or advice quitting and/or moderating weed?
Looks like no one has quit …
Just wanted to offer support from someone who is currently on a quitting weed journey! One of the things that is helping me so far is to identify what rituals/patterns I have around weed that I can still practice separately… definitely still a struggle ha.
All I can say is that quitting weed IMMEASURABLY improved my life. Go for it! I got into a habit of smoking every night and doing nothing but watching YouTube and masturbating … instead of reading books, cleaning my apartment, writing, making art, exercising, or whatever. And it was depressing.
The thing is, I can’t moderate. So what I have to do is just not have any weed. And ordering any or going to the dispensary is like, a whole ordeal, so it helps me be like … “do I really want to do this?” And usually I don’t!
But sometimes I do, and then I order some, and then I have to smoke it all before I can quit again (that is where I am now) because just throwing it out would be a waste of money, and not smoking it when it’s RIGHT THERE isn’t an option for me.
I think quitting is like quitting anything – you have to build a new habit and convince yourself you’re better off. I feel so much better when I’m doing all the shit I like to do instead of just smoking weed. If you’re able to moderate, hats off to you but I can’t. So I have to just quit.
It has been sad to see how slow the fundraiser has been going and I hope you’re able to get the full amount soon, but if not do you have a cutoff date planned?
Hello! Thanks for the question. So, what’s interesting, is that we’re going at about the same pace as our August fundraiser, this is just, unfortunately due to a decline in digital ad sales, a bigger goal, so it’s taking longer. We always planned to be fundraising through our birthday, and we think we’ll wrap soon, within the next two weeks! Also – be on the lookout several weeks after the fundraiser wrap for the impact report we’ll send out (via email) that will give you some insights into how the fundraiser went!
Thanks Nicole!
Thanks for the interest and concern! There’s no doubt that it’s an intimidating goal! But I do think we are going to get there :D
I feel like there have been a lot of questions here lately about people with less relationship or sexual experience feeling self conscious about it. From people who *do* have relationship and sexual experience, what is your experience with being with people who don’t? Are there people who worry that it will be difficult for whatever reason?
Ooh i’m not a staff member but i have *thoughts* if you want to hear them
Sure!!!
a best friend of mine just started dating a babe who has less experience. and of course she’s taking things slow, trying to give her gf space to express where she’s at, and do sexy things at her pace – but the gf is having a hard time communicating about where she’s at, what she is and isn’t ready for, and how she’s feeling about the physical aspects of the relationship. and the *communication barriers* are causing some frustration.
there’s a world of difference between being inexperienced but ready to talk about intimacy with a date, vs feeling embarrassed/too shy to talk about it or to trust your partner with the journey into new territory. the latter maybe is a sign that a person isn’t ready for a certain type physically intimate relationship
As the age of the senior editors of autostraddle increases, has the age of the readership aged as well? Do you have a sense if people have stuck around for 12, 10, 8 years and grown with it or if it continues to draw younger people? (I feel like this might have been somewhat answered somewhere in a stats posted, please point me there if so)
i feel like this is a @riese or @nknhall question for hard numbers, but i can say anecdotally it’s been fun to experience my friends and readers i “know” growing up together. i definitely think some of the questions we receive and the roundtables we’re able to put together stem from everyone getting physically older and that’s cool. that said, from a community editor standpoint, i often wish we did still attract a lot of baby gays! i think the youth are busy hanging out on twitter or tiktok, and i really miss that youthful energy and i would like to learn more from gen z in general! for example at one point last year i thought we were going to pub an essay written by a teen about being bisexual and out in high school and i was so excited; it ended up not working out but i’d rly welcome more writing from younger AND older readers. in general intergenerational relationships are rly important to me and my understanding of queer community, so i’m always wanting more folks outside the general age-range of the staff and editors to join our conversations. thanks for asking this!
As a 38 yr old single parent in my first ever queer relationship who found Autostraddle at the ripe old age of 35, knowing Riese and Heather etc were out there (ha) for me and that not everyone was young and cool and queer life had not entirely passed me by was the biggest thing that finally gave me the courage to come out. I love how diverse it is now with younger voices as well as bi+, enby, trans, and POC and I am SO PROUD to be a boring old gay lady on the coolest corner of the internet!
yes the readership has aged with us for sure, although our reader surveys aren’t an exact science — in 2012, 6% of our readers were over 35, now 22% of our readers are over 35! and i mean obviously this has been felt in a few ways, most notably that in our younger years, fundraising was very difficult bc most of our readers were students with not a lot of $$ to spare.
i think that what vanessa said is true — both in that gen z tends to be more about using tiktok and social media and not as tuned into places like this as a source of community and also being gay is more and more accepted and less isolating than it used to be AND in that i really want to get more younger readers in here telling their stories and talking and writing! also a LOT of our readers when we first started were in college. that’s kinda where we caught on and got popular first, especially at places like Smith. we also had these college-aged interns who were sort of like, ambassadors at a lot of queer-heavy universities.
As a Gen Z I can say I definitely spend a bunch of time on queer TikTok. For me autostraddle is a completely different vibe but therefor just important to me in different ways. I don’t know any other people who read autostraddle tho but all my gay friends are on TikTok or twitter. IMO they’re missing out!
Does anyone have experience as a non-Christian person (in the US or another majority-Christian country) with deciding to date only other non-Christian people or people from their specific background? How do folks navigate religious upbringing in relationships?
i’m Jewish, but i’ve never thought to only date other Jews, or to only date non-Christian people. i actually really enjoy learning about other people’s religions and have always been really excited to learn about my date’s religious upbringings… even dating other Jewish people, folks do religion and culture soooo differently, i’ve not had the experience of knowing exactly where we will have similar upbringings or different upbringings.
i think for your broader question, navigating the differences is the same as navigating differences in any aspect of a relationship. my therapist always encourages me to be curious and kind, while making sure i don’t ignore my own wants and needs and boundaries. when i’m learning new things about a date or a partner, religion is just one of those pieces. how important is it to them? what do they like about the way they were raised? what do they dislike? do they make allowances for family members bc of religion? is their religion in line with my world views? what are the things i’m missing about their customs that i can be more open to? are they open to mine? etc etc etc…
i hope this helps answer your questions a little bit!
i’m not part of the AS AMA staff but I’d just like to throw out there that I am an atheist, and I’ve dated people (and had long-term intimate friendships with people) with various religions and religious backgrounds, and our different experiences has lead to a richness in my life — i’ve attended services, learned a lot, met cool people, etc! i don’t mean that in a tourist way, but like any other deeply-seded aspect of our backgrounds, variation has added to our lives, not subtracted from it, i think.
In addition to what Vanessa and queer girl shared above, I think another part of this is being clear with yourself about the ways in which / whether / the extent to which religion is a part of your identity. I am an atheist and have a lot of incredibly close friends who are Christian. But when it comes to dating… that feels different to me? I have a particular outlook on the world that is rooted in my atheism and I’m not sure I’m convinced that someone with a faith background will ever really understand that world outlook. Others are more flexible or accommodating in this regard than I am, but the important thing is to try to parse out for yourself how much it matters to you.
I will also add that upbringing and current religion can be really different. I was raised in a conservative Hindu family and I feel like if someone were to date me that would be less relevant to understanding me than the fact that I’m an atheist.
tips for “keeping the spark going” in a long term relationship? i’m rounding four years now for the first time ever, it’s great and i love her and i’m attracted to her but i worry about settling into a routine and getting stuck in it – sexually but not only, also in terms of like how we spend our time and what we expect of each other
The best way to keep the emotional spark alive is to invest in your individual identities. Learning new things about our partners feels exciting and hot and brings us closer together, but when a partner stops growing and changing, that feeling of perpetual discovery fades. Have you always wanted to try mountain biking? Do you want to write a children’s book or get really into fermentation? Keep doing things that feel new and exciting for you and pay attention when your partner does things that feel new and exciting to them.
And here are a few quick n’ dirty tips for maintaining that sense of novelty in your sex life:
-try role play
-have sex somewhere that isn’t your bedroom
-send nudes (even if you’re both at home)
-talk about your sexual fantasies
-have sex at a time of day that’s unusual for you
oh YES to sending nudes/sexting! sometimes that’s something that tapers off quickly in a long term relationship, especially if you live together, but it’s really fun to send nudes to someone you’ve been with for a while and can be great for arousal but also confidence. keep on flirting!
i think sometimes you really just have to talk about it with each other! settling into a routine happens pretty naturally, so you have to be explicit about trying to break the routine or shifting it. one thing i’m a huge proponent of is creating NEW rituals constantly. i think sustaining long term relationships during the pandemic has been particularly challenging because if you live together you end up spending ALL your time together. my girlfriend and i have successfully avoided falling into a situation where it feels more like we’re roommates by coming up with specific fun/romantic/sexy rituals like a specific night of the week where we have at-home dance parties or the (less sexy but still romantic) night of the week where we do crosswords together LOL but as soon as those rituals start to feel rote, we’ll stop and try something else. but truly the best way to keep things exciting is to check in with each other about those expectations and desires! people’s wants and needs shift in long-term relationships, and the only way you’re going to make those shifts known is if you talk about it.
It might be interesting to slow this down and look at the two things going on here: wanting to keep the spark and being concerned about a routine.
Personally, I don’t think that having a routine is incompatible with feeling fucking excited about being with someone. You can both squirm with anticipation over the next time you’ll take each other’s clothes off and also go grocery shopping together on weekday mornings because the lines are shorter, and those two states of being don’t have to have anything to do with each other.
However, if you’re talking about feeling stagnant or concerned about a lack of long-term growth individually or together, that is worth a harder look. In what areas of your life – not just in the relationship – have you become complacent, and where can you challenge yourself to grow? And within the relationship, what things would you like to explore that you haven’t yet had a chance to explore? Four years is a long time, but it can also be just the beginning.
ugh you’re right thank youuu
you’re welcome I believe in you!!
nicole: what would be your dream autostraddle campaign that isn’t feasible logistically, expense-wise, or due to the laws of time-space?
I would love to incorporate more IRL events into Autostraddle campaigns someday! This is difficult for a number of reasons right now, including the pandemic, but it would still be difficult, even after widespread vaccination because of our staffing (There’s only one of me and one of each of the senior staff who are all doing 2-3 jobs!) and also for budget reasons since IRL events can require some up-front investment. I know though that there used to be A+ member meetups, and I’m interested in seeing in-person connection happen again in the future, especially around campaigns. Still, for now, incorporating IRL events into fundraising and membership campaigns remains a dream and probably will remain a dream for a while!
Thank you for asking! 💜
thank you for what you do!
Movie question for Drew – I haven’t seen any new releases since March 2020, what were your favourite new films from the past year? (Doesn’t have to be queer, or available for streaming)
Thankfully most of my favorite new films ARE queer/trans and available for streaming! Lingua Franca, The Half Of It, and Alice Júnior are all on Netflix and are very different but I love them all so deeply.
Some other ones I loved: Mangrove, Lovers Rock, Never Rarely Sometimes Always, La Leyenda Negra, Promising Young Woman, Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom, Minari.
Sarah: if you could give one piece of advice to someone who has to coordinate/design a new website as part of their new job, what would it be?
(Yes we have already used a graphic designer and web designer and are running to the end of the budget)
Oh no, the end of the budget! If you’re already done with the design stages and are building (have built?) the website, my best piece of advice would be to create a style guide so any future site updates or upgrades remain consistent with the look and feel your designer built.
Things to consider going into the style guide:
– CSS Style Sheets
– Design Files / Layouts
– Fonts
– Color Palette
Awesome thank you! We have built version 1 but there will definitely be lots of updates happening later in the year
Exciting! Good luck on the project 🙌🏽
Himani: any advice for someone looking to learn more easy vegan recipes but not keen on mushy textures?
All the “simple vegan meals” I see online seem to be stews/curries/casseroles or veggies roasted in the oven. Add to that the emphasis on beans and pulses for protein and I keep feeling like dishes come out with just one (soft) texture. I love crispy and crunchy things and I am struggling to be imaginative.
I was raised eating meat and just sticking it in a pan or an oven to get something crispy and delicious, so I’m not quite at the level of pounding my own flour to make seitan or doing any 20 step process to make vegan fried chicken alternatives etc, im wondering if there are vegan options I’m overlooking that have a whole texture range without a whole day’s work
Former vegan here! Even though I’m an omnivore now, I still love making crispy baked tofu. I buy tofu that’s labeled “extra firm” or “super firm” (the “High Protein Tofu” by Wildwood is perfect), coat it with olive oil, spices, and almond flour and/or cornstarch, and bake it at 400. It comes out with a super crispy shell and has a similar texture to fried chicken. This is great in wraps, stir fries and salads. I also like to eat it on its own with a side of homemade fries and buffalo sauce.
Whoops! I just realized that this question was specifically addressed to Himani (who most definitely has many, many more crispy vegan food ideas!). I just get really, really excited about tofu…
Other people with vegan advice more than welcome!
Thank you this does sound good
this sounds *delicious*
you could look into getting an airfryer! you can make stuff like crispy buffalo cauliflower or crispy chickpeas (which are really hard to crisp up in an oven) quickly/in very few steps with one. they also work well for prepackaged frozen things like vegan dumplings etc
Ahh yeah they do look good, I have definitely tried and failed with the whole chickpeas in the oven thing before
Hmmm… this is a good question. Honestly, I was raised on rice and lentils so the lack of crispy crunchy things in cooked meals is not something that’s specifically stood out to me…
Ro’s suggestion re: extra firm or super firm tofu is excellent and I think my main go-to for crunchy textures in my food! I have never made it the way they suggested (definitely going to try it though!!!) but I often saute a extra firm tofu with oil on high heat for several minutes until all sides are crunchy and brown and it is excellent!
And seconding Kayla’s suggestion re: air fryer, which I do not own but they work wonders from what I understand and crisping up chickpeas in that way sounds pretty incredible!
But also… this is perhaps not the answer you desire but… I also tend to rely on store-bought things for crispy textures in my food. One of my favorite meals is buying the frozen vegan chik’n patties from Boca or Morningstar (I think both brands make a vegan one) and then crisp them up nice in the oven and slice them into pasta with olive oil, arugula and sun dried tomatoes.
If I think of anything else I’ll be sure to chime back in, but that’s all that’s coming to mind from me for now!
not an autostraddle staff member, but these chickpeas actually get crispy (unlike oven ones) and are one of my absolute fave dinners: https://smittenkitchen.com/2019/09/crisped-chickpeas-with-herbs-and-garlic-yogurt/ especially if you eat them with pita chips, great stuff!
smitten kitchen is really my go-to, weeknight nachos (if there’s any vegan melty cheese) and sweet potato tacos (maybe with tortilla chips) are both really good. also, her crispy broccoli with lemon and garlic is SO GOOD and could inspire many other veggies cooked like that! i think adding chips of some sort might be nice in general for adding crispy tops.
Thank you these all sound great!
Carmen: any advice for finishing a PhD and then leaving academia for a different type of job?
Ummmm maybe? I might?
My first piece of advice is that if you’re considering leaving academia, you should probably leave academia. That maybe seems obvious, but it was a very hard lesson for me to learn! Earning a PhD should be hard, but it if it feels like you are slamming a square peg into a round hole — then you are absolutely right, trust that instinct, and don’t keep trying to fit where you don’t fit. It shouldn’t be hard in the “my soul is dying” way, it should only be hard in the “wow reading books and writing about them is hard” way. Does that make sense?
Ok it sounds like you maybe already know that first part, so here’s more of what’s next:
If you have +/- 18 months left until your degree (be honest with yourself!) then you should stay and finish it. If you have more than 2 years left, I’d consider cutting ties earlier rather than later. This is a controversial point, and it might also be another hard lesson! But here’s my logic, I am happy I finished my degree because it took a decade of my life and it feels like I have “something to show for it at least”. But if I realized at like.. year six, what I ending up knowing two years later, I could have saved myself A LOT of debt and got moving sooner on a path that did make me fulfilled/happy. So that’s that.
Practically speaking: You should pay close attention to the ~vibe of your department, not everyone is welcoming of those who are getting a PhD and leaving! Mine certainly wasn’t. I continued to, ahem, lie (sorry!) about staying in academia until basically the day after my defense. It was the only way to get the committee support I needed to finish. That may or may not be true for you! But be careful, you don’t want to shoot yourself in the foot so to speak while you are still figuring things out.
The biggest thing to know is that a PhD is an asset, but not necessarily in the ways your currently being trained for. If you’re in a PhD program, you are gaining real life skills in: Long term project management, social management (if you are a TA), problem solving and research oriented solutions, writing/communication/editing, and so on! It will be your job to translate those disparate skillsets into a narrative that a non-academic boss can understand. Which you totally can do! It’s not as hard as it sounds, but a lot of PhDs make the mistake of assuming their degree speaks for itself. It doesn’t!
In terms of finding what other careers might interest you, I recommend thinking about what interested you about getting a PhD in the first place and that break it back down to its building blocks. I got my PhD because I loved thinking critically about culture and writing about it, I love working with other smart thinkers who enjoy Big Ideas, I love mentoring (then younger students, now other writers) and helping them develop sharper communication skills and create new theories or motives. And guess what? I get to still do all those things every day in my new job!
You might have gotten into your degree for some of those same reasons, or maybe it’s because you love speaking with interview subjects and identifying trends and would enjoy being a market researcher, maybe you just really fucking love books and will find a career at an indie bookstore, maybe you’ve enjoyed working with students and would find happiness at an LGBT center, maybe you want to be an artist full time, etc etc etc. The key is the building blocks — that’s your joy, that’s what makes you feel satisfied, and that’s what will guide the transition.
If you decide to stick It out as you finish degree, I definitely recommend using that last year – 18 months to start branching out while you are there. I started working at AS the last year(ish) as a freelance writer while I finished my degree, and even before I ended up here full time, my focus was on building a portfolio so that I could either: Make a go of it as a full-time freelancer, land a staff writing or editor’s job at literally any place that would take me. I wanted to be as set up as possible so I wasn’t making that transition FULLY cold, you know? And if you can swing it, I would recommend the same for you.
Ok whoops this got LOOONG! I hope some of it was helpful! As a last thing, I will recommend https://beyondprof.com/ or @BeyondProf on Twitter, along with https://fromphdtolife.com/ or @FromPhDtoLife on Twitter. They are sometimes a little corporate, but I have found just being ~around conversations with other PhDs looking to make this transition to be immensely helpful for my mental health.
Ok that’s everything I can think of in my brain dump for now! If you have more Qs you can also send them to the A+ Comment Box and I’ll answer them directly. Oh and you got this! Good luck!!
Hi Carmen, you wrote this long response to me over a year ago and I realized I never thanked you for it! So thank you so much for all of this very validating wisdom and insight. Listening to and reading the stories of folks who transitioned out of the academic world into fulfilling careers is so meaningful to me <3
1) What is everyone’s favorite dessert/sweet thing to eat? I’m just really curious
2) Would anyone have advice for someone dating a PhD student in the very last stressful stages of writing their dissertation? I know this is highly specific, but I don’t know how to navigate a situation where I feel like the best way to be supportive is to just step back and not be a distraction
I like to have dessert almost every day so right there with you. I make hot cocoa from cocoa powder and brown sugar, whisked in some kind of non-dairy milk a lot + vegan marshmallows…and then the best part is getting some dark chocolate and dipping it in the hot cocoa and eating it. 100% recommended.
so i tend to be more a savory than sweet person! BUT i’m going to give a very thorough answer bc why not. my favorite packaged candies are sour gummy worms. my favorite dessert to have on my birthday is a brownie sundae. my favorite ice cream is rocky road or ben & jerry’s phish food. my favorite cake is carrot. my favorite dessert to order at a restaurant is tiramisu (will pretty much order it ANY time it’s on a menu). and CURRENTLY i am craving a grocery store chocolate cream pie
I love dates filled with almond butter and little pieces of dark chocolate. I eat them for dessert AND I eat them for breakfast.
1. Ice cream.
2. Stepping back and not being a distraction are harder than they sound, particularly in the marathon end of a dissertation. Like with any situation where one partner is having a professionally or personally more intense time than another, it’s important to balance honoring your partner’s needs with honoring your own. If you haven’t had one already, an explicit conversation around this is an important step.
Thank you so very much Carolyn! I think I needed to hear that. The PhD part is so important to my partner that I overlooked the fact that I can relate this to other types of very professionally / personally stressful situations.
We have had a conversation about what that meant for our relationship, but it mostly dealt with my partner’s needs.
And thank you Nicole, Kayla and Ro for your answers to my first question :) (so many delicious tips)
I really loved being able to ask you “anything.” It feels so special to be able to talk to you!
warm sour cream apple pie /crumble with vanilla ice cream, also figgy pudding which was everywhere in australia but here not so much, in general i love the combo of something warm like a hot fudge brownie with something cold and by something cold i mean, exclusively, ice cream. also i love carrot cake.
but what i have most on a day to day basis is probably ice cream or candy, right now i am in an andes mint and Heath Bar phase and also steamed custard buns from this dim sum place near my apartment. dessert consumption has definitely increased during quarantine.
omg yesss to steamed custard buns
i love dairy and creamy things, those are the basis of a lot of my favorite desserts: kunefe, flan/quesillo, cannoli, salted honey pie w fresh whipped cream! also love anything with rhubarb and am obsessed with finding good strawberry rhubarb pie in the summer.
pie! i want pie all the time.
my favorite dessert in the whole world are these nutella stuffed brown butter chocolate chip cookies: https://www.ambitiouskitchen.com/nutella-stuffed-brown-butter-sea-salt-chocolate-chip-cookies-my-favorite-cookie-ever/
but when i’m too lazy to make those my second favorite dessert is box brownies! truly nothing beats a betty crocker box brownie situation. throw some extra chocolate chips into the batter for next level deliciousness!!!
also i just want to deeply co-sign carolyn’s advice! it’s ok that your person has to focus on their phd right now, but it’s also ok if you’re not up for sticking around and not having your needs met for a while. it’s ok if that means you need to break up rn. it’s ok if that means your partner has to compromise a little. it’s ok if that means you have to compromise a little. there are lots of ways for this to potentially shake out, but having an honest convo and honoring both of your needs is the road to success, in my opinion. good luck whatever happens <3
I can’t wait to try that recipe!!!
Thank you Vanessa <3
And thank you for the advice. We had another, clearer (better) conversation yesterday (dealt with how and at what frequency we will communicate in the next couple months) and I'm feeling really hopeful for the future. Also because we're on the same wavelength, and because there is an end date in sight real soon!
Just from a purely psychological point of view your and Carolyn's messages made me feel way better.
Depending on where your relationship is, there’s lots of things you can do to be supportive. Show up with dinner/lunch/breakfast – maybe they can stop frantically disserting long enough to actually eat with you or maybe they’ll just be like “thanks babe” and distractedly stuff things (hopefully the edible ones you brought) into their mouth while staring into space pondering statistics and how to phrase their conclusions. If you’re living together, really any household stuff you can take off their hands. Quick massages? I can guarantee you if they’re using a computer 18 hours a day their back and arms and hands and wrists are killing them.
Obviously any of this is assuming you’re willing and able to do it, and only works short-term – you’re not signing up for a life of doing all the work. And could you expect the same willingness to support you when you face a time-limited but intense challenge? Don’t push yourself past your limits, no point having both of you stressed and exhausted, but you’re not powerless! My husband’s support during my dissertation made a huge difference to me. Good luck to both of you!
Those are great suggestions, I really appreciate having your perspective:) I hope I can be as good a partner to my person as your husband was to you.
Unfortunately, we don’t live together, and my partner just moved to be with relatives for the next couple months to have that kind of live-in support when they finish writing.
This is also one of the reasons I was feeling so down — we are now long distance, and in a more radical way than we both expected (doesn’t help that their advisor wants them to turn in the manuscript way sooner than originally planned).
Based on a conversation we just had, I have made my peace with being supportive from a distance, in the form of sending littles notes and messages at appropriate times. Also, Zoom.
My love language is pretty much doling out food (and baked goods in particular) so I also need adjusting and finding non-material ways to help.
I just saw one of your comments and was reminded of your really kind and helpful advice. Just so you know: my partner successfully defended their dissertation last month! I’m so proud of them and we’re both doing great. Feeling lots of butterflies just as I am typing.
I hope that wherever you are and whatever you’re doing everything is ok for you too.
I am heavy into biscoff cookies with nutella on top – it’s mad sweet but so good!
@shrimpnoodles I love, love, love ice cream sandwiches…so much so that I never, ever buy them because I will certainly eat the entire box.
What do you wish you’d known/talked about before moving in with a long-term partner?
For me, the big ones are that I wish I’d known how much space I need (a lot); how elements of our daily routines, especially work (as a freelancer who lived with 9-5 people) would intersect on a practical (and impractical) level and expectations around that; and how we saw the future of the relationship – not just in terms of the relationship itself, but in terms of how we saw its role in our lives and alongside our individual goals and dreams.
i think it’s good to talk about the expectations/routines you have living alone. that way you can see where your respective expectations/routines line up and where they diverge and come up with a plan for how to keep everyone comfortable. like are you someone who does a deep-clean of your space once a week? and if your partner is someone who DOESN’T do that when living alone, then how are you gonna come up with a compromise?
but it’s also SUPER important to talk about how much alone time and personal space you need, because living with someone automatically means that you will have to be intentional about taking time to yourself. also the conversation can and should be ongoing even once you live together. if you find yourself needing more alone time, talk about it. sometimes the only way to know exactly how it’s going to feel living with someone is to, well, live with them. expect some issues in the beginning but also address them right when they happen so they don’t fester!
i wish i’d known that i can’t live in a house with three total windows that they’d constantly be covering or closing in order to save on electricity. the next person i live with will need to require the same amount of natural light as i do, which is ALL OF IT.
I don’t live with a partner right now, but when I did live a partner, I wish we had made a clear commitment to schedule intentional time together while cohabitating. When you live with someone, it’s easy to let that slip because you see each other all the time, but having *intentional* time is super important for the health of your relationship!
i know you can’t really fast-track this, but i wish i had gotten really comfortable dealing with conflict in that relationship and how to handle it! conflict is inevitable and not necessarily bad at all, but especially if you live together, it’s gonna happen more often at least for a while as some things clash, and also it’s gonna be really evident really quickly if you haven’t developed any practices around reconciliation and repair – you can’t just both stomp off to your own places in a huff and wait three days to talk to each other and then pretend it didn’t happen. if you can, i would make an effort to really dive into conflict best practices: what makes you feel respected/listened to/heard when you’re angry or hurt, and what about your partner? does it work best for you guys to process immediately, or cool off? are you guys on the same page about that, or do you need to practice saying “i need time to think about this and calm down, i’m going for a walk and let’s talk about this in an hour?” what do you both need in order to feel like conflicts are actually resolved and repaired, not just given up on? moving in together makes it really easy for fights about the laundry to become a way of fighting about how one of you feels taken for granted, so having a toolbox for handling that is so helpful rather than being blindsided.
Space for sure. Not just before we moved in, but an ongoing conversation about how much space we both need(ed) and how/if we could encourage each other to take space.
Vanessa: how old is Hogan now and why is he such an absolute angel
omg babe i’m so glad you asked and i’m so glad your autocorrect changed hoagie’s name to hogan, like heather hogan, who is the only being on this earth quite as kind and magical as baby hoagie!
for those curious, HOAGIE is my boyfriend’s new puppy! he is a great pyrenees and he is currently 4 months old! (4 months and 10 days if we’re being exact.) he is a huge fluffy polar bear with permanent eyeliner! when we picked him up he was 2 months old and weighed 15lbs. now he weighs 50lbs!!! he’s going to be like… between 110-140lbs. HE IS AN ABSOLUTE ANGEL BECAUSE HE IS PURE AND STUBBORN AND LOVING AND KIND AND WONDERFUL AND GOOD THINGS DO EXIST IF WE BELIEVE HARD ENOUGH!!!!!!!
haha! hoagie! yes autocorrect is a journey
HI HOAGIE WE LOVE YOUUUUUU
for those wondering what hoagie looks like, here he is as a tiny 2 month old baby:
and here he is as a giant 4 month old baby:
you’re welcome!
As a 38 yr old single parent in my first ever queer relationship who found Autostraddle at the ripe old age of 35, knowing Riese and Heather etc were out there (ha) for me and that not everyone was young and cool and queer life had not entirely passed me by was the biggest thing that finally gave me the courage to come out. I love how diverse it is now with younger voices as well as bi+, enby, trans, and POC and I am SO PROUD to be a boring old gay lady on the coolest corner of the internet!
what a beautiful pupper. & thank you to queergirl for asking all the right questions
this question is for houseplant people: how do you chill out from wanting to monitor the little leaves unfurling all day? i feel like i want the amount of emotional engagement that a cat or dog would serve, but it’s just a plant and you literally have to wait because it doesn’t change from hour to hour.
okay and another question for members of the jewish people: i organized last year’s extended family zoom seder and it was bomb. but the thought of doing ANOTHER virtual seder is so bleak. in real life we basically do the same conservative hagaddah every year and the thing that makes it fun is, you know, meeting. so last year’s zoom was more interprative and discussion based. so for round two… should i mix up the texts and discussion prompts? or go with what worked last year? i just wanna revert to live n’ normal so badly!
my girlfriend has a tendency to accidentally kill plants because she OVER cares for them. i think it’s good to remind yourself that plants are pretty self sufficient in a lot of ways! they need care but too much care can cause problems. but also if you’re wanting to track a plant’s growth/celebrate new growth, it can be fun to keep a photo diary of a plant’s progress
Similar to Kayla, I tend to kill plants from overwatering. I also can’t handle it when a new leaf is unfurling, it feels so pure, and I feel like a proud parent, and I just wanna watch it do its thing, but there’s nothing really to do.
I think it’s important to think of a houseplant like a very distant indoor/outdoor cat we’re making pet comparisons. Like, it wants love but on its own schedule. I think it’s more like a friendly crow that you’ve been kind of making friends with on your fire escape. Yeah, it wants some of your like, seeds or whatever. And it’ll bring you a trinket once in a while. But you can’t expect it to always want to give or receive affection. Give it plenty of space, because that’s what it needs!
I don’t know. Bad analogy lol
I first read this as “a friendly cow” and got a very different mental picture. So many questions about how the cow got on the fire escape and why it wanted your seeds and what kind of trinkets a cow would bring you and how it would get back up the fire escape to give them to you and WHY was this the scenario that popped into Abeni’s head…
Brains: they’re fun.
Re: plants, so I recently got into closed terrarium gardening (let’s just say this pandemic has been full of a lot of cats + plants drama for me) and my fuzzy tradescantia is growing so INCREDIBLY fast in it’s little glass jar! And I can’t do anything to it because it’s literally a closed environment, so I can’t/shouldn’t water it! But I can AND DO watch that little leaf grow bigger and bigger! Incredible.
Here is a guide on how to make a closed terrarium: https://www.gardenista.com/posts/gardening-101-how-to-make-a-closed-terrarium/
And here is a list of plants compatible with closed terrarium: https://plantinterrarium.com/best-plants-for-open-and-closed-terrariums/
Although honestly, I just got cuttings of whatever plants my sister had that are good in humidity (so pothos, philodendron, tradescantia — and those have all done great so far)
What about trying a prayer plant? My mom had one and they’re cool because the leaves open and close every day / night based on the light so there’s always something new to observe. They’re also a little fussy so ymmv – I had one and it died because I couldn’t water it regularly enough.
Or maybe a sensitive plant?
Riese: please tell us one tiny bit of your choosing of the magical proprietary process that puts people together in cabins
well the first step is honestly looking back at the feedback from the past camp’s cabins to see where things worked or didn’t. lots of times my brilliant ideas flop, or the types of people i thought would gel; don’t.
then it’s making index cards, which took several days until courtney became my co-cabin-maker in 2018, we could get that knocked out in a day. the cards contain name, age, location, the blurb they wrote about themselves, then a sticker key where certain stickers align with topics like: how much someone drinks, introvert/extrovert/etc, night owl/early bird/neither, other relevant demographics. we mark ppl who id themselves as qpoc or trans to make sure they are not the only qpoc or trans ppl in their cabin. we use different color cards for new campers and returning campers.
if someone puts zero info about themselves and i don’t already know them from prior camps or the site, i will literally google them, try to find them on facebook or linkedin or other social media, search their email to see if they’ve ever commented on autostraddle, to fill in the blanks to put some info on their cards.
then we make bundles: we separate out everybody who has requested someone or someone(s) specifically and bundle them together, returning cabins who requested to be together get bundled together. (if there’s ever a conflict like — if someone says “i want to live with jane doe and also in a quiet cabin that goes to bed early” and jane doe is like “i want to be in a party cabin,” then i will email the person who wanted jane doe + quiet and ask which they want more.) i also make bundles of ppl with specific requests for the type of cabin they want to be in — generally this is people who don’t want to be around partiers, ppl who want a sober or mostly-sober cabin, QPOC who want to be in a majority-QPOC cabin, and older campers who don’t want to be with younger campers. also if there are people who say strikingly similar things about themselves where i I feel like they will get along and be able to support each other (specific allegiance to the exact same fandoms, “i just got divorced from a man and am dating women for the first time,” “i live in marietta georgia and would like to meet friends in my area,” etc. or, sometimes there will be two people who just give off a certain vibe that makes me think they will fall in love and often i am right!), i bundle them.
so that is the base from which the work begins!
wow WOW wow
Valerie Anne: what is your favorite teen tv show of all time
I hope you know that I saw this earlier even though it wasn’t my shift yet and had to do day job stuff so couldn’t answer right away but it has been TEARING ME APART because I can’t pick between my bbs???? I mean Glee will always have a special place in my heart the way a teacher has a soft spot for that one troublemaker. That and South of Nowhere changed my life for the gayer. One Tree Hill will always have a special place in my heart. And so will Degrassi and Skins. I was such a nerdy teen who hated being in trouble and who was a closeted gay so I barely dated, so watching teens go through these huge exciting dramas and having these whirlwind romances was always so exciting to me because it was so far from where I was.
All that said, I cannot stop watching Riverdale and I cannot tell you why.
!!!! this answer is so rich!
would spend all my gold on you, queer girl!!!
Plant geniuses: how do I rescue my Norfolk pine, which is currently a tiny bit sadly brittle in the lower branches
Heather – I have another cat question for you!
My GF recently moved in with me and my cat, Pandora. Pandora is 9 years old, and historically does not like other animals, or really other people, other than me. She’s a total scaredy-cat, and just hides when there are too many people around, or another animal in her vicinity. But my GF really wanted another cat, and I did too. So we decided to adopt a kitten, thinking that might be less frightening to poor Pandora.
We did our research and followed the advice for how to introduce two cats to each other. And it definitely worked. But it’s been 4 months now, and Pandora still hisses whenever the kitten comes near her, and the kitten is so trusting and unafraid and she just desperately wants to play! It’s so sad to watch Pandora get so scared, and little Indigo be rejected.
Do you have any advice for how to help them??
In a similar vein, our kitten Indigo has a weird habit of sticking her paw in her water dish and then licking her paw to get the water, instead of just drinking out of the dish like a normal cat. Any idea why she does this, or how to get her to stop?
Thanks everyone, happy birthday!
Not Heather but I can share some cat advice! Maybe you’ve tried these things, but in case you haven’t: 1) You might try Feliway diffusers. They excrete a hormone that helps calm cats down, and can help cats transition to living together. Most vet offices use them! 2) It can take more time than you think. While ideally cats get would get used to each other in a couple weeks, some won’t, and it can takes months or even a year to get accustomed to each other. Hopefully they will over time! 3) Jackson Galaxy (TV cat expert) has a ton of advice on his website about introducing cats. You said you already followed the tips, but you can always start from the beginning and try again! I recommend checking out his blog. 4) I would make sure each cat has it’s own hiding spaces, litter box, food+water bowls, toys, scratching posts, etc. Cats are territorial, and can get upset if they feel threatened in their home space. Easing this tension by making sure each one has their own litter box etc can help! 5) As crazy as it sounds, you might consider getting your kitten another kitten as a playmate! People think that older cats will get along better with kittens, but the opposite is true: adult cats tend to prefer a lot of sleep and rest and kittens need a ton of attention and have lots of energy. Getting a playmate for your kitten will keep her occupied and may stop him from bothering your older cat! While it is possible that they will never be friends, hopefully they will be able to get along better with some more time. Good luck!
Woops *may stop her from bothering your older cat :)
Hi, Also not Heather but chiming in just to add (in addition to all of Lauren’s incredible suggestions) — these things take time? Like years sometimes. My older cat was 4 when I got a kitten for him as a companion and it honestly took like 5 years for my older cat to be *fully* comfortable around the younger one. He did stop hissing after a while (probably like months, or so) but, yea, make sure they each have plenty of space that is their own and plenty of litter boxes.
Also, redirect some of your kitten’s desire to play with the other cat by making sure she is getting plenty of play time from you and your partner.
And re: sticking paws in the water… cats are just weird, is all I can say… my one cat drags the food out of the plate I feed him on and eats off the floor (this is after switching from a bowl to plate to eliminate this specific behavior in the first place). My other cat only drinks water that’s pooled around the drain in the sink… My friend’s cat only drinks water out of.. the toilet.. In that context, I might say that sticking the paws in the water and then licking them is maybe something to just accept as a weird quirk of your kitten?
What are your best flirting tips for text/FaceTime? This whole living in isolation for a year has me feeling off my game
Okay so in the absence of any sort of physical flirting banter has become even more important than it was before. And unfortunately I do think banter is often a thing that results from chemistry with another person and isn’t always teachable BUT I do have some thoughts.
1) Like so many things, I think good flirting comes out of good listening. When you’re first flirting with someone it can be really easy to get in your head and be so focused on what you’re saying that you’re not really being present with the person you’re communicating with. Letting go of saying the perfect thing and just listening and letting yourself casually riff will probably result in the best conversations.
2) Sooo I recommend this with caution, but I think teasing is a really effective flirting method!! I was raised on screwball comedies and I do think my flirting style was influenced by that. And while obviously don’t be mean to someone, I think cute teasing often results in that sort of sexy fast-talking banter.
obviously i 100% co-sign drew’s advice. but i also think if you’re nervous about banter, FaceTime can be really useful for ~suggestive facial expressions~ or even ~sexy outfits~!!!!! i find FaceTime is really fun when i’ve gotten to know someone a little bit over text and i’m ready to like, bat my eyelashes or flip my hair or lean over to show off my cleavage for them. also this is maybe a little more than what you’re asking for and maybe a little tacky to toot my own horn but i will say this ~fictional~ erotica story i wrote is pretty heavily based on uh, not fiction, and i do think it’s a pretty good “how to” if you’re thinking about FaceTime sex etc: https://www.autostraddle.com/s-l-i-c-k-hank-melanie/
Thanks both of you!
Everyone: what’s the last book you read that shook you to your very core
Girlhood by Melissa Febos it’s all i can think about
I feel like literally every book I’ve read this year has shaken me to my core. I can’t figure out if I’ve been choosing really good books or if I’m just in a vulnerable place??
Detransition, Baby by Torrey Peters
how to be a good girl by Jamie Hood
She of the Mountain by Vivek Shraya
Yemaya’s Daughters by Dane Figueroa Edidi
Luster by Raven Leilani
After Delores by Sarah Schulman
i think i’m not totally sure on what it means to be shook to one’s core BUT similarly to drew i feel like i’ve had so many good books in the past six months or so. some of them:
luster by raven leilani
if i had your face by frances cha
thin girls by diana clarke
plain bad heroines by emily m danforth
my year of rest and relaxation by otessa moshfegh
also i am always looking for more friends on goodreads!!
https://www.goodreads.com/user/show/90251-riese
I just sent you a friend request on GR Riese!
100% Detransition, Baby
Carmen: what’s one future AS column or series you are REALLY excited about that’s coming our way?
Ooooh! Well we have March Madness coming up, and Natalie has lot of exciting things planned for it. Just earlier this week Riese and I started making some coverage plans around new and different kind of movie/tv content. I’ve gotten some AMAZING personal essay pitches for pandemic dating from some QTPOC that I’ve been introduced to on Twitter. All of these are things I anticipate rolling out in the next four weeks or left and I cannot wait!!
Meg: do you have any tips for taking better (amateur, iPhone) photographs?
i sure do! the most important thing to pay attention to, no matter the time of day or the subject of your image, is LIGHT. whether you’re in harsh daylight, deep shadows, dappled sunshine, or full darkness and using flash, the quality and direction of light has a massive impact on your final images.
practice and experimentation are the absolute best ways to improve, and the cameras on phones now are so damn good that you can do a lot with them (and have plenty to play with when it’s time to edit). a great exercise to start with is to pick a subject and take photos of it in all different places, indoors and outdoors, at different times of the day. (you can do this with selfies or a friend, but also try using an object that you can move around – a candle, a plant, a book, a piece of fruit, etc.) play with portrait mode, with filters, with apps, and see how the color and quality of your images changes based on the angle and the light you’re working with. figure out what you like, what resonates, what feels good for you, and pay attention to how you created that particular image. see if you can replicate it with another object, with your hands, with another person.
if you’re using artificial light, play with manipulating it. try bouncing light with a mirror, a piece of white cardstock, a glass of water. how the quality of the light change? what impact does it have on your subject? how can you make the light land where you want it to, and how do the new shadows you’re creating impact the final image?
also: get weird, get creative, and see what happens when you release the idea of being a “good” photographer and instead figure out what kinds of photos you like to take. like cooking, photos that are made with joy and pleasure hit different. what makes you happy? what do you LOVE taking pictures of?
hope this helps! 🖤
thank you! this is *very* helpful. i’ve been going to the local wild park at golden hour/sunset a lot lately and the different things the light does is absolutely wild!
How do you remind your brain that someone not liking you or aspects of your personality means you don’t want to be close with them? In my previous relationship my ex would say things that indicated to me that they didn’t like parts of me that I liked! I was like, well, that’s her problem, I still like her. But it was my problem because I didn’t want to be with someone who felt that way about me. Advice?
woof i just had to confront this over the past year and it was revelatory. i wish it hadn’t taken finding someone else who actively loved the things about me that i also loved — i mean i wish i’d realized how important that was sooner and on my own — but here we are! anyway i finally understood that someone not loving the things i love about myself means they don’t know me at all, not AT ALL, and, at least for me, it means they’re not “in love” with me but an idea of me they’ve curated to intentionally leave out what i consider all the best parts. and fuck that.
I agree with Laneia
Thanks both!
Sally: HOW IS MARCHVENT GOING
Hello Queergirl, thank you for this important question.
I can report that Marchvent is going very well and Gillian has been making excellent progress jumping through time to help keep lesbian history on track. In recent days, she has had decoded a love poem from Emily Dickinson to Sue Gilbert, travelled to the future to save President Oprah and First Lady Gayle from assassination, helped Anne Bonney and Mary Reade find buried gold on Scissor Island, helped Julie d’Aubigny rescue her gf from a burning convent and helped Radclyffe Hall and Una Troubridge weigh a lot of dogs.
What’s the best part of working at autostraddle?
oh god so many great things: working alongside writers and editors whose work i truly admire; knowing that i can bring my weirdest most ME ideas to the editors and not only will they say yes but they’ll also be ENTHUSIASTIC about it; heather knows me so well at this point that she knows exactly what shows/movies i’ll want to cover before i even ask to cover them; GETTING PAID ON TIME!!!
No cis men in positions of power. :)
Just working with a bunch of queer folks and finding my own homies within them is great. I’ve met some amazing folks but especially some amazing queer black creative folks and that alone makes me love working at AS and also as a freelancer I agree with kayla —- GETTING PAID ON TIIIIMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEE!
the community (staff members, readers, everyone in between!), the flexibility, the commitment to being weird and queer and independent, the growth…
the list is rly long. autostraddle is a rly rly good place to work. and i do want to echo what kayla & shelli said – i’m also freelance here (even though i’m an editor i’m part time and an independent contractor) and getting paid on time every single month is quite literally how i pay my bills! it should not be rare to get paid on time but as a freelancer in media it rly rly is, and working for autostraddle is the most reliable and secure freelance gig i’ve ever had.
<3
Is it weird having so many personal and intimate publicly googleable things about your life on the internet that new people you might date or become friends with can read and know? How do you navigate that in new relationships (friendship or dating)?
it is! it’s weird to start telling a story and not know if the person has already read it, and it seems tacky to be like, “um did you read the piece i wrote on going home, the photoessay?”
the reverse of that has also happened, like at the first a-camp a person asked riese and i what we did for autostraddle or camp. riese was like, “i made it, actually.”
Sure is! (I’ve also been fetishized for my time as the NSFW editor, which: please don’t do that.) I normally handle this by telling people early on that I have not and will not google them, which I won’t unless they specifically ask me to, in the hopes that this will lead to mutual not-googling or at least to not telling me what they find. Because I’ve been here for over a decade, you can see a lot of the threads of my life if you look for them – but those threads are also a historic and two-dimensional piece of the whole. I mostly hope that anyone who wants to be in my life wants to hear about my life from me in context, as opposed to out of it.
while it def is weird sometimes, i don’t personally mind if people google me/read my work prior to getting to know me in “real life” so long as they don’t try to act like there’s an intimacy/established relationship there from the get. like it’s fine if ppl want to read my stuff and even if they wanna talk to me about it, but don’t act like we’re best friends just because you know that i spent the summer of 2018 in a near-constant meltdown lol. i hate when people assume that they have access to me/can be super forward irl just because i’m share so much of myself online/in my writing. me writing about something is not an open invitation to ask super personal or invasive qs in a social setting
it can be weird! it’s weird if people know who i am, but also if they don’t it can feel like they specifically avoid Autostraddle as it’s fairly common knowledge for queer folks between 25 and 45, which also feels weird. there’s no right answer! i did have one person i was seeing tell me they specifically chose not to read any of my work even though i didn’t ask them not to because they wanted for us to be on equal footing and get to know me organically based on what i chose to share, which was very thoughtful; i don’t think people HAVE to do that, though, and otherwise just try to be pretty transparent and direct about the fact that my presence on the internet isn’t the same as knowing me in person, and i’m more than my job or the way i show up here.
I actually kind of like it! My writing is a really true introduction to the kind of person I am and I don’t mind if someone can use that as a shortcut to see if they might be into knowing me in real life. I’m also very, very specific about what I include in my writing and what I do not. It may seem like I’m an open book but I’m really not. Any vulnerability I show is very measured and controlled. So if it’s on here or elsewhere online I’m fine with anyone seeing it!
The only problem is when someone thinks based on that they know me on a deeper level. It’s an introduction but like a dating app profile or a first date conversation it’s only a small snapshot of who I am. At the end of the day my writing — as personal as it may seem — is an artistic expression. It’s not a diary. If people can understand that then I enjoy having someone read my work as they’re getting to know me.
yes i second all of this!
it’s not that weird, except for the thing that laneia said, about starting to tell a story and not knowing if the person has already read it or not and it sounds egotistical to assume they already have read it, but also i don’t want to be repeating something they already know! sometimes people will read everything and then pretend like they haven’t? because they think i will judge them or think it’s weird. but i don’t! like i think if i was an actor i would want my girlfriend/theyfriend/boyfriend to actually see the films i was in
i was seeing someone once where they sent me a screenshot of something on their computer and accidentally revealed, via said screenshot, that they had like 15 tabs open that were all posts from my blog like, written in 2008 and 2007. they were like oMG and turned bright red and clearly wanted to die but i was honestly mostly flattered? that they were that interested in me and my life and also that into my writing.
but also i sort of became gay and started writing about my life online at the same exact time, so i don’t really know this life any other way.
i do feel now a little different than i used to; i think i’ve put up a lot of walls over the past several years that i’m not sure how much recent info about my life exists online anymore. so mostly when people are reading things of mine, it was written a long time ago or about stuff that happened a long time ago.
yes it’s weird but it’s also fine! i think everyone has sort of covered it already but maybe i align closest with kayla and drew? like, i’m a writer! it’s my job! i want people to engage with my work. but sometimes people (usually not IRL – but sometimes! – usually via DM or tweet) will act like we’re BFF, or like they deserve access to me, in ways that make me uncomfortable. i started to feel that way in 2013 tbh, and i have been working ever since then to put up better boundaries around my writing / my personal life / my space, and i get better at that all the time, which feels nice.
i guess it boils down to the fact that i want people to engage with my writing, but i don’t want people to make assumptions about me the human based on things me the writer has written.
Are the SEO consultant and relevant changes helping? I want people to be able to find you all!
YES! And we’re learning more things every day! It’s definitely a process but the process is coming along. Thanks for asking!
What do you do if you often ask your partner nicely to do something (eg the dishes, bills) and they don’t? Is there an option that is neither nagging nor just doing it yourself?
My partner has quite low self esteem and most times when I try to put my foot down about these kind of things they end up spiralling, feeling bad about themselves and even less able to do these annoying everyday tasks that I cope with more easily (thanks high functioning anxiety!). I’m happy to take on a bit more of the load but if I do everything I end up feeling unbalanced, burnt out and resentful.
Any advice or different perspectives would be great.
Establish specific areas of responsibility so you don’t have to ask your partner to contribute to your household every day. I don’t mind doing dishes and I hate folding laundry. When I lived with a partner, she was (generally) in charge of laundry and I was (generally) in charge of doing dishes. If we had a particularly epic load of laundry or if we prepared an elaborate meal that required more dishes than usual, we helped each other out, but otherwise, we each stayed in our own lane. Since we were clear on what our responsibilities were, we could get our household stuff done without having to have a conversation about every single task.
But it sounds like there’s more going on here than a lack of clarity around your obligations. If you partner isn’t able to be an equal contributor to the health of your home and the health of your relationship, that’s something they should be working on with the help of a therapist. You shouldn’t have to take full responsibility for your space and then comfort your partner when they don’t participate.
Thanks Ro! Yeah therapy is happening it’s just not a quick process obviously. I am practicing asking for help more often too, as I sometimes voluntarily take on everything and that’s on me to change I think
I’m getting the sense from how you’re phrasing this that both maybe being assertive can feel tough for you or like you’re being mean, and also that your partner tends to take assertiveness or directness about how their stuff impacts you very personally. I agree w Ro that that’s something they need to work on on their own time! I’d normally say here that it would help to establish clear boundaries backed up with actions (“I’m only doing the dishes from Tues/Fri/Sat; if you don’t do the dishes from your days, I guess they’re going to stay in the sink forever and we’ll both live with it”), but given this context I’d say maybe a better approach for both of you is to shift away from the dynamic of you ‘asking’ and instead approach it as a foregone conclusion that you need a new system, being honest but not judgemental about how it’s impacting you, and enlist them as an equal partner in it. “We’ve really gotta figure out a system for the dishes because it just isn’t possible for me to make time for them every single day with all my homework, and it’s making me resentful. So let’s figure it out – what could we try we haven’t tried before? Listening for your ideas!”
Thanks Rachel, I feel like you can see right through me ha
rachel’s superskill is absolutely seeing right through all of us, welcome to the club <3 <3
Riese: what has Carol been up to today?
this morning carol awoke with instant anxiety, as usual, and sat expectantly in bed until i fed her and then took her outside, where she wanted to sniff things for the rest of my life. since that time, she looked at me with concern while i did yoga with adrienne, then she lay in my bed sort of under the covers between two pillow caves. now she is lying on the rug but if i walk over there to glance at her, she will sit up with only one front paw on the floor, the other partially lifted, staring at me and shaking with anxiety that something might be about to happen (e.g, food or walking). i walked over there like 20 mins ago and as soon as i got close she rolled onto her back for a belly rub. that’s all so far today in carol world! She has yet to get a job or learn to speak contribute to this family in any tangible way, but we’ll see how it goes.
Haha! thank you very much for this detailed account, I hope Carol enjoys the rest of her day. You too!
highlights of the remainder of her day included eating and a walk
I don’t know if this makes me love you or carol more, but I’m settling on both
Sarah: What’s your very favorite piece of AS merch ever
QUEER GIRL! I have had so many love affairs with our merch but I think the most fun part of my job is creating objects/things. Most recently the Queer Magentic Words because there have been so many fun stories and posts where people share their poetry, and in the past I really loved making the Dead Lesbian Society Pin Packs.
omg the dead lesbian society!!!!
Any thoughts about the balance between honouring experiences gained during the past year and being afraid they don’t carry the same weight as a “real world” year? My partner and I were together for almost a year before the pandemic, and our relationship has gotten so, so much stronger during it. We’ve also moved in together during this time. When considering the long term course of our relationship I feel so ready to continue celebrating our commitment to one another – we’ve talked about seeing engagement in our future. At the same time part of me feels scared that when quarantine ends someday the growth we’ve been moving through will feel less “legitimate” compared to non pandemic life and therefore like less worthy of basing decisions on? Would love to hear y’all’s thoughts. Thank you for all you do.
I totally get this! I want to push back on the idea that the last year hasn’t been real – it has been super real, and the skills and tools and ways of relating to each other that you’ve grown in the past year will not disappear if (big if) the virus does. They might just look different, or you might be in situations to apply them in different ways.
I second what Carolyn says! The past year has been VERY real. And the lessons you’ve learned and growth you’ve experienced is all real too, and it doesn’t just go out the window if the pandemic ends. My guess is you had to adapt to a lot of changes in your relationship when it went from existing pre-pandemic to existing DURING a pandemic, and the fact that your relationship thrived despite having to adjust to those changes makes me feel pretty confident that you’ll be able to adjust to any changes that arise as life shifts again.
Thanks so much to both of you! I really appreciate this perspective.
just want to co-sign that this year has been EXTREMELY real. staying present and grounded in any relationship during the pandemic is a huge deal (friendship and family relationships included) and i think you and your partner can feel really proud of yourselves for growing and learning and adapting together through a literal global crisis. not that growth outside of the pandemic isn’t also worth celebrating, but growth that happened this past year to me feels EXTRA huge. don’t undermine that – you two absolutely deserve to celebrate and feel proud. i’m so happy for you both and excited for you to continue growing together if that’s what feels right! <3
As someone who moved in together with a partner of 5 months in March 2020, got engaged in Sept, and married in Dec, I want to co-sign the idea that pandemic time is any less real. If anything, navigating the craziness of the past year can show how you and your partner navigate challenges together, which can deepen a relationship. If you are worried about the reactions of other people, I think just owning it and not making excuses for yourself can go a long way. If you feel awkward about it, other people might too, but if you just approach it nonchalantly you won’t get much of a surprised response. Hope that is helpful/relevant !
Oh!! And!! As my boo and I plan to move from LDR to living together in the next few months, my biggest worry is our cats! We each love our adult male cats so much. Theirs is sweet and tolerant, mine loves people but hates other cats. Please help us find a way for them to co-exist with minimal trauma! Thanks, love you all! ❤️
@ladywhoknows – I think the main thing is having a slow introduction period for the two cats. Make sure they each have plenty of space of their own and you have enough litter boxes. Look for apartments that you can afford that can very comfortably fit two cats (ie a 2 bedroom apartment instead of 1) and when first introducing them, give them each their own spaces. Introduce them by smell (rub a soft cloth on one and let the other smell it and vice versa), then slowly graduate to smell each other through the door and eventually try setting up a door length screen/baby gate so they can see each other without getting at each other. Prepare yourself for this being a weeks or months long process. And in the interim, make sure both cats are getting plenty of attention from their favorite human. This is going to be a lot of changes for your cats and it could be stressful, but I think with enough time and patience it’ll work out.
Happy birthday, Autostraddle! I hope it’s okay to take a sec to congratulate Nicole and everyone else on the fundraiser. I thought when I saw the cool merch that I would just buy something and add a little tip and that would be it, probably, but then you came up with NEW and EXCITING ways to ask for contributions so I just want to say that the rollout on this has been brilliant and I hope you’re all feeling proud :)
On that note, writers, what’s a piece you’ve written for Autostraddle that you’re super extra proud of?
I’m extra proud of all my posts for the “lesbian sex 101” series (actually about queer sex) but love talking about How to Eat Ass and How to Give (or Get) a Strap-on Blow Job. And also Being Kinky Doesn’t Make You Queer. And even though it’s just a link roundup I’m pretty proud of the lifespan of NSFW Sunday, which I’ve been doing weekly since mid-2012 which is WILD.
hands down the entirety of my For Your Consideration series (https://www.autostraddle.com/tag/for-your-consideration) but especially the meta one: https://www.autostraddle.com/for-your-consideration-for-your-consideration-442895/
i could feel myself expanding as a writer when working on every single one of those
This means so much thank you! The fundraisers are a lot of work for the whole team, and everyone’s been putting in a ton of labor on this, but we wouldn’t do it if we didn’t need to — and we’re so touched by the support we’ve seen this year. I appreciate you and your kind words so much!!! 💜
I think this essay I wrote about Portrait of a Lady on Fire is my best piece: https://www.autostraddle.com/the-poets-choice/
And then this past week I was having a tiny little spiral about dating in lesbian community as a trans woman and the ways it can be exhausting and then I realized… wait a sec… so many of things I’m saying right now I already said two years ago… in an essay! Which is both mortifying and also kind of gratifying as I approach two years since being staffed and two and half years since having my first published here that I’ve built a body of work that represents so many of the complicated things I care about and am still exploring. Here’s that essay: https://www.autostraddle.com/why-do-so-many-people-have-goodbye-horses-as-their-tinder-anthem/
Lying’s The Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off
Before You Know It Something’s Over
SLICK: Come Inside — bc it’s the first time i published fiction in like, many many years
Going Mad in New York
Everything Hurts All The Time
right now, i am kinda proud of this because i was apparently ten years ahead of when the world-at-large would become aware of what was happening with Britney Spears! It’s Not Britney, Bitch
ALSO this Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About My Sexual Orientation And Were(n’t) Afraid To Ask — I actually don’t like the piece myself, like as a a piece of writing I am lukewarm on it, but I am proud of it because it connected with so many people and made an impact on them.
For me, definitely my personal essay Stepping Out Of Silence
And a close second is the 2020 Politics Survey.
Thanks for the bday wishes! I am most proud of this piece (https://www.autostraddle.com/ari-lennox-saved-me-this-summer) it was one of the first pieces I wrote where I was attempting to be more intimate in my writing and I think I succeeded tenfold. It’s also one of my first pieces here at Autostraddle and I couldn’t be more proud of that too!
@no-elle Hmmm…I have two answers:
1. My personal eulogy for Annalise Keating and the end of HTGAWM because, unwittingly, I’d been building up to writing it since I first started at Autostraddle.
2. My interview with Mary Bonauto: I write a lot about politics and law for AS but I’m not a lawyer and the imposter syndrome is very real…but I got to talk to a personal hero of mine and I knew enough to keep up and not embarrass myself.
My personal essay’s Nuggets, Milkshakes and Nosebleeds and The Burlesque Show spring to mind!
I’m also super proud of the piece I did on Mutual Aid and Black trans communities during the pandemic ❤️
i love this question, thank you.
The Lesbian Herstory Archives: A Constant Affirmation That You Exist – the very first thing i wrote for AS back in 2012
What I Learned From Buffy About All The Versions Of My Queer Girl Self – fuck Joss Whedon but Buffy will always mean everything to me
10 Floors I’ve Lied On, Ranked – LOL
Assume Everyone Thinks You’re Hot, I’m Serious – the best advice column i’ve ever written
The Land Dykes Of Southern Oregon Saved My Life – a love letter to my family
<3
oh a question for laneia: you don’t have to share it, but have you ever written poetry?
not that i know of !
ha!
i would argue that your tweets are poetry
i want to second vanessa. i think laneia has written a lot of unintentional poetry, including in slack.
I recently returned to California after living in Sydney for the last year. My now ex-partner had asked me to move overseas with her when she needed to return to support her ailing father. We were together for two years. It was a good relationship and we made it work for as long as life allowed us, but as we all know 2020 had other plans for all of us.
Now that I’m newly single, I’d like to begin causally dating (when it’s safer to do so) and I’m interested in exploring my more kinky nature. Here’s the thing, I’ve really never casually dated in my life and I don’t know how to flag other kinky queer women. I can be a little shy and, sometimes, a complete dunce as to whether a queer person is flirting with me. I still need to read Vanessa’s article on assuming everyone thinks I’m hot. I promise it’s on my list!
What are some tips to begin exploring casual dating, finding a potential play partner, and meeting like minded kinky folks? Are there any resources that might help me navigate through this?
To the entire team, thank you so much for taking the time! This website has helped me feel seen and connected in more ways than I could count.
welcome back to california and congratulations on having such a healthy mindset about the end of your last relationship (sincerely, i think your framing is excellent and it sounds like you’re really grounded and ready to move forward). i love that you’re going to read my article about thinking you’re hot, it’s one i’m very proud of!
in terms of casual dating, we’ve definitely written quite a bit about this too if you search the archives, but here are some quick tips!
– be clear about what you want! ask yourself, truly, what are you looking for!
– be aware that it’s easy to “default” to being on a relationship escalator, so if you’re not looking to do that, be intentional – if you just want a casual fling, maybe don’t spend every night at that’s person’s house, maybe don’t meet their mom, etc (or maybe do if you feel you can both be casual within those boundaries, but be honest about your expectations and limitations!!!)
– SET BOUNDARIES!!!
– ask for what you want and need
– make dates with friends and yourself too so you don’t end up prioritizing one romantic/sexual partner to the detriment of the rest of your life
as for finding like-minded kinky folks:
– flag it in your online dating profiles! if you’re comfortable, literally write what you’d like (ex: “kinky bratty bottom looking for communicative casual tops. bonus points if you’re skilled with rope; let me buy you a drink and see if we vibe!”) – if that’s too bold or you don’t want to out yourself as kinky look for little signs folks are flagging (hankies, emojis, etc) or leave some hints in your own profile
– when you’re on a date with someone, be clear about your kinky interests – when topics of sex come up, share what you like
– depending where you live, there may be a kinky leather scene in your city – obviously no one is going to bars or play parties rn, but research the scene and see if anyone is offering digital meet ups (i’ve seen quite a few in NYC and LA/SF) or what things are like when we’re not in pandemic-land
– find likeminded kinky people on IG or twitter, or perhaps the A+ members discord channel?
main points here: be honest with yourself and your potential future dates, get clear about what you want, ask for what you want, and maintain good boundaries! you got this! xo.
If you specifically want to get involved in kink community, lots of cities have kink clubs, events, parties, and “munches” (< these are usually lunch or dinner gatherings where kinky people can socialize in a non-kinky setting). You can find many of these on FetLife, which is like Facebook for kinky people. If you're planning to use dating apps, include that fact that you're into kink in your profile OR share it early in conversation after you've matched with someone. When you share this information, be specific! For example, when some people say they're "kinky," they mean that they like getting their hair pulled, and when other people say they're "kinky," they mean that they want to be a human urinal. Both of these practices are valid and beautiful, but not all kinky people are into them. That's why it's important to be clear about what you're looking for and ask your potential partners to do the same so you can be sure that your kinks align. And make sure you're taking steps to protect your physical and emotional safety! These queer-authored books will walk you through the basics. Here's a book about navigating kink community: Playing Well With Others by Lee Harrington and Mollena Williams
And here’s a book about casual dating: Getting It by Allison Moon
For all of the writers and contributors, whether you write professionally or for yourself, what kind of writing habits or routines do you maintain? What works best to get your butt in the chair?
I know when my brain works best and I know my limits, even when those limits aren’t particularly convenient. I’m the most clear-headed as soon as I wake up, so I do most of my writing then. If I’m struggling to write something in the afternoon, I know that I can pick it up again the next morning and make it work. I also know that I need breaks from my screen, so I get outside every afternoon, even when the weather sucks. I used to feel guilty about taking a break in the middle of a “work day,” but now I know that taking time to refresh helps me work more efficiently later.
If I’m struggling to tease out an idea, I rely on movement. I don’t think very well when I’m sitting at my desk, but if I walk around, I can more easily articulate my ideas (voice memos are great for this!). Then I can come back to my computer, type up my memos and crank out an article.
It’s not sexy or easy to implement but for me, aside from switching back to coffee after an extended affair with tea and generally taking care of myself, what helps me write is not any particular writing routine but an ongoing examination of how I relate to my work and output and what might be going on if I feel resistant to it. If a piece that should take two hours takes several days, it’s usually not about the piece, it’s about what if this is the last client or after this I have to work on a less appealing project of if this piece isn’t perfect what if no one contracts me ever again or I haven’t taken time off lately and my brain is functionally making me take some anyway or or or. Spending the time to figure out that relationship has been the single best way of getting my butt in the chair I’ve found yet.
i have to be very intentional about scheduling/setting goals/creating balance between the different kinds of writing i do, because writing is both my day job (mainly the tv criticism i do but also other online media stuff) as well as my art/creative pursuit (my fiction, creative nonfiction, etc.). i have to designate certain times for working on the latter and certain times for working on the former. when i do so, it helps me be productive and creative in both areas! when it comes to my creative work, i always do best when my external needs are able to be met super easily and by that i mean making sure i have coffee and water in the room with me and keeping easy/quick snacks in the fridge that i can just grab. the less i have to think about that stuff, the more i can focus on the work. i also take walks and TBH I TAKE NAPS. i’m lucky to have a lot of control over my work sched because sometimes all i need to be able to write the thing i’m trying to write is to reset w a quick nap. i’m also a morning writer! not super early but usually i do my best work before noon/it’s very hard for me to write creatively after, like, 4pm/it’s next to impossible for me to write once the sun has gone down. i read a LOT which is also a big part of my ~writing practice~
this sounds a little simplistic, but the best thing for getting my butt in the chair is getting my butt in the damn chair! the pandemic definitely uh, slowed my world to a grinding halt, but before that i was a very social creature and i would often think “welllll i can writer later!” and go do the social activities i really wanted to do in the meanwhile, and then the work never got done. even now during the pandemic, i have to remind myself that if i skip my writing time for the day to sleepover at my boyfriend’s house, well then, i won’t write that day. and that sucks. taking myself and my writing seriously and viewing it as my job even though i am self-employed and it’s not my entire income (i also teach and, when it’s safe aka there isn’t a pandemic, work as a nanny) did a lot to mentally prioritize my writing.
here are some other tools/routines i try to maintain (though i do not always):
1. morning pages
2. writing first thing in the morning no matter what
3. try to write at least X amount of words every day (sometimes it’s 250, sometimes it’s 1000, depends on the project and my mindset, but always keep it manageable enough that it actually gets done)
4. make time to submit my work / pitch my ideas / apply to contests and residencies and workshops because doing those things helps me feel “real” as a writer (YMMV but basically figure out what you need to make your practice and your craft feel real to you and schedule that time in too)
5. make writing dates with friends – BIG FAN of the zoom date – 10 minute check in/gossip with a pal and then 50-60 minutes accountable writing time where we both shut off our videos and mics but know the other person is on the other end of the laptop writing, so we write
6. making up deadlines for myself
7. hiking/letting myself relax when i’m NOT writing
Honestly, I am chaotic.
I don’t have a routine with writing but thats also – a routine.
It’s harder for me to write when I have like a dedicated time to do it. I work better knowing I have a deadline and breaking up the piece as much as I can but still making sure I meet it. Sometimes I write until like 4 am – other times I won’t work on a piece for two days but I always get it done and I always meet my deadline and produce stellar work.
It sounds very hippy dippy I know but I won’t work on something until the moment feels right and tells me. I am organized with it all though and like I said – it gets done!
@danikamary My routine’s been upended by the pandemic. I used to relish having a space devoted to writing and carving out special hours in the day to work on it…but now I’m in that space for my regular job, my work with my nephews and writing. One thing just runs into the next.
You’d think that after a year of this, I’d have a routine that works but nope…
For me starting is the hardest part so I usually give myself a few steps before ~~officially~~ starting. Jot down some notes, have a shower think about it, but absolutely start by X day.time or else! (Self-imposed deadlines before the real deadline are important for me.)
Sometimes I have to trick myself to be like “okay listen you only have to write for 30 minutes” because even though I love writing, for some reason sometimes my brain likes to resist it! So usually if I give myself a minimum I blow past it because I get in the groove.
This is mostly for my personal writing/less deadlined stuff. For my day job I have to literally put on my calendar when to start things in order to finish them on time, and give myself a buffer. Sometimes I even have to lie to future me about deadlines to set a fire under her.
For recaps I have a routine so if you have any regular, consistent writing, routines are awesome if you can make them. I know it’s not always realistic; my day job isn’t nearly as consistent about what they need from me or when, for example. So any ways you can find little habits or routines is key for me.
For example, I have accepted the fact that I can’t write anything too creative or thoughtful before noon. It’s just a fact. So for my day job the morning is when I catch up on emails or make to-do lists and I don’t push myself to do the more creative stuff until the afternoon/evening. Unfortunately it’s a lot of trial, error, and being honest with yourself when things are or are not working.
Open to answers from anyone on this!
Straddlers with kids/trying for kids – did you resent having to take an “alternative” path to having kids? I’m currently in the very beginning of trying to conceive and it’s VERY exciting but also it feels hard to have a lot of sad/cranky feelings bubbling up about having to spend more money and take a lot longer than other folks. Also if anyone has home insemination tips or stories… I’d love to hear ’em!
i absolutely feel… feelings, about this. full disclosure, for 31 years i was certain i wanted to try to get pregnant and have a baby, but 2020 kind of broke my spirit and i’m no longer sure i want to have a child at all, through pregnancy or other ways. if you’d asked this q a year ago i would’ve been someone who 100% wanted a kid. now i’m a person who isn’t sure. so take this with a grain of salt!
all of that disclosure in mind – yes, i’ve totally felt sad/cranky/JEALOUS that it’s not so hard or financially challenging for everyone who gets pregnant. i’m a nanny and i have worked for a lot of cis couples before and so many of them just like, had drunk sex one night and it’s like “oops! guess we’re done “trying”!” and when they tell me those stories i’m just… jealous, is it, really. happy for them, but rly rly rly wish it could be so easy for me. but! i also know so many cis heterosexual couples who didn’t get pregnant easily at all. i know how things appear are not always how things are. so i try to remind myself that everyone’s pregnancy journey is different, and we rarely know the full full full story behind any personal thing that happens to anyone. i try to keep myself present in my own body and my own experience. and i remember that pregnancy is not the only path to having kids.
all of that said – congratulations on beginning to try to conceive! that is hugely exciting and no matter what your journey looks like, it will be YOURS and it will be special and meaningful because it happened to YOU. i’m really happy for you. <3
Ahhh Vanessa this is so relieving to know that I’m not the only one who’s had a shift in feelings about having kids over the past year. I was so sure about wanting to be a parent before the pandemic hit, and now I have such mixed feelings about it. I went from being really confident that I would want to be pregnant someday, to thinking of researching foster care and adoption… maybe 8-10 years down the road.
just want to validate these feelings so so so hard, you are speaking my mind 110%
<3
Thank you so much for sharing this with me! I’ve found it so surprisingly lonely to not have queer community around this, even if they do not share my exact goals or experience, and I’m grateful to be able to talk to you all about this!
I strongly agree that the pandemic changed a lot of things – for us, it really moved the kid plan up (my husband went through chemo during Spring 2020 so he was extra spicily at risk from COVID, and I had to move out for a short period of time to keep working). I also know that if I lived somewhere else, it would be a very different story for me (we live in Canada so it’s a lot more financially accessible to have a kid than the States).
There’s an incredible episode (39) of The Just Between Us podcast about sperm donation. The interviewee did the DIY option and their story definitely pushed me towards that route. it’s still a few years down the line for me but I’m wishing you all the best of luck with your journey!
Thank you so much for sharing that with me! I will definitely check it out.
i currently feel extremely resentful at literally everyone with free sperm in their lives! lol haha it’s fine
OMG thank you hahahahaha. I’m experiencing a baby boom in my office and within my extended friend group and it’s… a bit much sometimes for me emotionally even though I LOVE babies and am so happy for the folks I know
While I didn’t deal with this specific struggle (actually conceiving or carrying/birthing my child), I absolutely did want to scream and tear my hair out every single day during the 2 years it took from deciding to become a foster parent to bringing my son home. The 36 hours of classes were understandable as it’s important to know what you are getting into in terms of parenting kids with traumatic pasts and confusing realities, dealing with birth parents and siblings etc. But when asked to write a 20 page autobiography, go through hours of social worker interviews, have 2 home study inspections with standards far beyond reason like all medications in a locked box and child locks on everything for a child that’s not there yet, and get fingerprinted like criminals and pass an FBI background check all just to qualify to be a parent is A LOT! Not to mention the 18 month long period that followed where social workers would email me possible kids for placement, I’d say yes! But then they would choose another family.
I am so happy my son and I found each other and am thankful for him every day but OMFG YES the people who just whoops get pregnant have NO idea how lucky they are!
Sending you love and solidarity. ❤️🌈
OMG. THANK YOU. I really appreciate you sharing this with me! We are also planning to adopt or foster one day. It’s wild having to PROVE to people that you not only want to be a parent but would be a good one – one of the clinics we’re working with requires things like couples counseling which I both find to be GOOD (I’m a big fan of therapy) but also ANNOYING (… why doesn’t EVERYONE have to).
We tried initially and I’ve without success several years ago. I was so mad at my body for quite a while and now I’m more indifferent. I always wanted to be a parent/planned on being a parent/believed I would be a parent. My body did not cooperate, but now I’m grateful for the journey of being a foster/adopt parent! Much love to all of the parents on autostraddle!
Thank you so much for sharing with me! I am definitely entering a new relationship with my body and having a lot of Feelings about that. I am so glad to hear that you are on the foster/adopt journey – we are also hoping to have kids through that method as well.
HI I JUST GOT HERE AND I AM *EXCITED* LET’S GO!!!
hiiii vanessa
hi kayla how’s miami are you holding a fancy cocktail and staring at the ocean right now
you are aren’t you
haha not at this exact moment but hopefully in like three-ish hours that will be exactly what i’ll be doing. right now i’m in the outdoor courtyard at miami’s local indie bookstore books&books though so things are pretty ideal!!!!
how is spring in portland are there pink flowers everywhere
there ARE pink flowers everywhere and i think within 1-3 weeks the magnolia trees will start to bloom so you know, can’t complain i guess
(although it’s not MIAMI, lol)
Really leaned into the tween sleepover vibes and just painted my nails. I AM READY. (You can picture my effortful nail drying typing as I answer questions.)
omg drew i’m about to paint my nails too!!! it’s win/win… my nails are wet so i have no choice but to sit still while they dry, and typing is the only activity that won’t fuck them up so i must keep writing… end result: perfectly dry nails and lots of words accumulated on the screen! capricorn genius at work!
Capricorns are really special people, aren’t we??
Your puppy is the cutest and OMG YOUR HAIR!!! What do you do for shampoo/conditioner? Wash a lot or almost never? It’s seriously so pretty ! 🥰🥰🥰
wait my hair or drew’s hair? i’m obsessed with drew’s hair but i’m also the one with a puppy in my life so not sure who you’re asking…
incase it’s me, my routine is v low key:
– haven’t gotten a haircut since 2017
– wash my hair once a week, ish
– comb when wet and kind of twirl the ends around my fingers over and over for an hour
– air dry and forget about it until it starts to look kind of greasy at which point i either dry shampoo or shower
i’m hoping drew tells us about her hair routine too tbh!! <3
Happy birthday! What’s the best/most memorable comment you’ve received on something you’ve written?
“Wow its so weird to see how old sapphics talk about us gen z sapphics (im 18 lol) Y’all are really just uncovering the surface of whats going on in our queer part if the internet lmao.”
omg LOLLLLL
HAHAHA
HAHAHAHA
I’m admittedly not great at receiving praise, but it means a lot to me anytime anyone — especially other trans women — say that something I wrote spoke to them or made them feel seen in some way. The reason I write and the reason I write specifically at Autostraddle where we are one big community is because I want people to have their experiences represented. I’m sure I’ve taught some cis people and some straight people through my work, but that’s not what it’s about for me. I want to tell our stories and for people to feel less alone. Hell, I want to feel less alone. So those kinds of comments always mean a lot to me even when I don’t respond.
it’d be hard to pick just one because i got so many really, really kind and empathetic and meaningful messages and comments on my For Your Consideration series. sometimes i STILL have people message me about it, and it honestly means so much to me
“I feel like you broke into the sexuality file in my brain and wrote a long eloquent article with the information in that file and all the information in the sexuality file in your brain, and then cited all the sources correctly and put all of it in 12 point times new roman.”
A few other Asians have told me they really appreciated a personal essay I wrote for the APIA heritage month series last year, which I greatly appreciated. Similar to what Drew shared above, I write here because I want queer Asian stories to be told and also because I want queer Asians to know that we exist in the world, that our experiences are real and they are hard and that they’re not alone.
This thread just reminds me, people should comment more. It means so much to new writers especially.
I get hesitant to comment, so I appreciate the reminders that it helps fill people’s buckets!
my most memorable word-for-word was….not a NICE comment haha (not on this site)
HOW’MEVER it honestly sticks with me and warms my heart so much when someone says they connect with something i wrote in any way, esp when i dig deep or get really personal. some of the comments on one of my personal essays and one of my wynonna earp recaps where i talked about my own depression are two that stuck out as people being super supportive and sweet and lovely and it really meant a lot. it can be very scary to share personal things and when someone says it connects to them or helped them see something in a new way it’s so great. but also sometimes just really sweet comments really fill me up. just the other day on twitter someone told me my recaps brought them joy when they were going through a hard time and i’ll be riding that high for quite some time. it’s the best i could hope for with my writing.
the mean comment is a bit graphic but very very funny to me so i’ll bury a bit so if people don’t want to read it they don’t have to: once when someone was mad at me about a tv opinion they told me to go fuck myself with a concrete dildo lololol (again, not from this site; autostraddle commenters would never)
the comments that mean the most to me are either:
A. when someone tells me they feel seen / validated by my words
B. when someone makes me feel seen / validated by their response
thank you, so much, to everyone who has left both kinds of comments so many times over the past 8 years
<3
If you have student loan debt, how do you personally navigate it (ie how do you afford your life lol)?
I do have student loan debt – and I navigate it by not paying it. It’s a fucking scam. I know that might sound like a privileged way to come at it but just like the infamous tweet says:
“The student loan folk need to figure out how they’re gonna get their money back because I already forgave myself for my loans.” b(https://twitter.com/eargardn_/status/1313187566162767872?s=20)
I live in the land of forbearance and I will block a call in a minute. If it fucks up my credit – so be it because I don’t believe in that either because it’s also A SCAM.
I have been out of college for nearly a decade and i haven’t given them A DIME. They won’t see a red cent from me.
Again, this is just my opinion and I will say I know plenty of other folks who have either always had this viewpoint or recently switched to it and when i tell you the lightness they feel now – bayyyybeee.
This is also different if your loans are not in your name and your non-payment affects other but thats another story and one that I can’t speak to, but if they are yours and in your name – maybe do some talking to folks who feel the way I do and see if you can vibe with that wave too.
I envy Shelli and honestly if you can get on that level of freedom I vote do it. It’s #goals, tbh.
For me, I consolidated whatever I could so it’s 3 big payments instead of 52 little ones (my mom took out a bajillion loans in my name so maybe this is not your issue…) and I just account for it month to month. It’s absolutely a scam and every calculator I’ve used says it’ll take me 50 years to pay it off if I don’t start paying more but I simply can’t/won’t pay more than the bare minimum. I have a full time day job and a part-time side hustle (hi it’s this) and I don’t have a savings account. It sucks so much and I wish I had a better answer for you but consolidation + budgeting for it is all I know to do. If anyone had told my 18yo self anything about loans or how many I would need to go to the school I went to I would have picked a different school to be perfectly honest lol
I am a high school teacher and hope to start a Pride Alliance/GSA type club at my school. I’m still in the process of outlining an idea about safe spaces and LGTBQ+ student leadership to discuss with school management. However, I have no experience with this and need any advice anybody can give- either as a leader of such a club or as a member of such a club. I’m not out to the student body and is unsure how to really handle this. In this dumpster fire year many of our vulnerable students are experiencing mental health issues and I hope visible support might be of assistance.
Not AS staff, but I think part of the answer to this really depends on where you teach. Like Massachusetts has a statewide GSA that schools can join and an office that provides training for school staff. But private schools and places with anti-lgbtq legislation are a whole other ball game.
@illynever First and foremost, thank you so much for doing this for those kids. Your show of support will be such a lifeline for those vulnerable students. My hat’s off to you.
Have you checked out the GSA Network? They have so many great resources for setting up new clubs.
Thanks for the resources. I am in South Africa and shools here doesn’t historically have LGTBQ+ clubs. I have some ideas that I think might be workable, but impressions from people with experience with youth clubs might go a ways easing my nerves about such a project.
i echo Natalie that i think this will be genuinely life saving to some students – thank you.
that said, i did notice that you said you’re not out to the student body, and i want to be sure you’re not putting yourself in a dangerous or uncomfortable position either. i assume you’ve thought this through already, but i would feel neglectful if i didn’t bring it up.
i personally haven’t started such a club but i attended our high school GSA as a student (i thought i was a straight ally, it would take me a few more years to realize i was actually gay, lol) and i liked it a lot. i’m happy to talk through this more if you’d like a pep talk. you can email me at vanessa [at] autostraddle [dot] com if you like. good luck with the project no matter what <3
I don’t have teaching experience that qualifies me to answer this, but the teacher who headed the Gay-Straight Alliance at my school was not out, might have been straight and just volunteered for it. Also, the point of calling it a Gay-Straight Alliance was that it was supposed to be welcoming to straight allies, thus giving closeted students a cover for being present. Not sure if that helps! Good luck and sending you loving thoughts and wishes for your and your students safety. This work is so important!
Anyone —
1. How do you make friends / date when you’re sad all the time, and you know people don’t want to date/befriend people who are sad all the time (understandably! believe me, I do not feel fun or desirable right now, I don’t blame anyone), but your lack of close relationships is precisely the thing you are sad about? Therapy obviously, but I know it takes time, so am I just doomed to be alone until the therapy “works,” which who knows how long that will be, and also how can it work when it can’t fix the underlying problem that I am so alone and social relationships are like a basic biological human need? (I am quarantined alone but was already extremely lonely before quarantine.) It feels like the “need experience to get job, need job to get experience” paradox. And also I worry that even talking about this makes me sound like an incel. How do I reconcile “nobody owes me friendship or a relationship just because I’m lonely” (which I know is true!) with “social isolation fucks up your brain and loneliness increases your risk of heart disease and premature death and the baby monkeys chose the cloth mother over the wire mother”?
2. Relatedly…what should I ask a therapist in the first session or pre-first-session interview? (It’s just basic depression I think, nothing particularly special/unusual.) I have never been to therapy before. I have insurance but everyone says their mental health coverage sucks and I’ll probably need to go out of network. I’ve also scheduled an appointment with a free short-term therapist through my employer (like, they work directly for my employer as a temporary therapist for employees, I know that sounds sketchy but they said it’s just as confidential as any other therapist). How might sessions differ from “normal” therapy when you and the therapist both know there is a deadline or maximum number of sessions past which they can no longer see you? Any advice for making the most out of that time? They do referrals — what is a helpful/useful way to ask to be referred out? Is it worth telling them what (I think) I want my long-term therapist to be like, personality-wise? (Like, is “not too woo-woo” a useful thing to say or will they just be like “uh I can’t speak to how woo-woo any given clinician is”?)
Hi! For question 2: I would advise interviewing a few different therapists to get the feel for how they work, if you can. You might get a good referral, but also, nothing really replaces chatting with someone 1:1. Most reputable therapists will do a 10 minute call with you to see if you’re a good fit for each other. They want to make sure they’re going to be helpful to you. Also, have you read through Autostraddle’s Choose Your Own Therapy Adventure series? It might help give you a better idea of what to expect, and when you’re reading through various therapists’ specialties. I successfully used Psychology Today’s therapist finder. I’m not sure if it will work for you / your insurance / in your area, but might be worth checking out!
I should clarify. I used the “therapist finder” and then interviewed several therapists in a row. That way, you’re not having to explain your preferences to someone else, you’re just seeing if you can find someone who works for you!
Thanks! I am looking at the therapist finder also but thought asking for a referral might be more efficient or just a useful other avenue of looking because I am a little overwhelmed by how many therapists there are to look through.
To add to Nicole’s answer: During those 10 minute informational calls, it’s important to be as specific as possible. Ask about their therapy style and their areas of expertise. Tell them what YOU’RE looking for. If you’re seeking therapy to address specific things (like loneliness), mention that, because they might be able to share a bit about their approaches to specific things.
To your first question – I will tell you something that I told myself for a lot of my twenties: being single is not the same thing as being alone. You’re correct that social relationships are a basic human need, but I would ask you to consider what you define a social relationship? The pandemic has made this nearly impossible, but think back before that — what were casual relationships you had that you might not be considering in your definition of social relationship? For instance, The people you might’ve seen day in and day out at school or at work, even if you didn’t have a particularly close connection with them. Or, the people who recognize you at the coffee shop or grocery store or other place you frequent where the extent of your interactions are just saying “hi.” I’m not saying deny your loneliness, but perhaps, try to spend some time thinking about the small moments that make the world feel less isolating, the small things that indicate that people see you in the world.
The other part of it is just getting more comfortable making small talk. I hate small talk, but it’s a way to build relationships with strangers that, again, might not be deep connections but help reduce that feeling of aloneness in the world. Ask people how they are doing. Make an observation about the weather. With enough frequency, some people may start to open up and you start to build the beginnings of a friendship. If they ask how you are doing and you don’t want to default to “sad” or “not good” opt for something general like “I’m all right” or “I’m ok.” Honestly, everyone is struggling with the pandemic so nowadays you can say “I’m having a hard time” and most people will take that statement in stride. (Whereas before, that would probably be considered an overshare with a stranger.)
When it comes to dating, specifically, I think the best I can offer you is to focus on the things that make you who you are, which extends beyond your sadness. It’s about the things you do, the things you like, the things you dislike, the issues you care about, etc. At the end of the day, though, sadness is also a part of who you are, it’s a part of your life (as it is for everyone else) and ultimately you want to be with someone who can accept that part of you, as well. You say: “people don’t want to date/befriend people who are sad all the time” but I actually think what people don’t want is to date/befriend people who complain all the time. If you’re sad but can talk about it honestly and earnestly, with self awareness and while holding space for the other person to be present with them about how they’re feeling, then I think you will find friends or even a partner.
Honestly, as I think about what you’ve written, this is the part that really stands out to me: “I do not feel fun or desirable right now.” It’s hard because there’s a way in which it’s a feedback loop (as you said, in your comparison to “need experience to get a job, need a job to have experience”). But I’m glad you are seeking out a therapist to help with some of this as well.
Thanks for this very thoughtful response! I definitely am not focused only on romantic relationships and very much include friendships in my loneliness “metrics.” I feel like I’m not terrible at small talk, I do have friendly acquaintances, I’m lonely more because I hardly have any close friends, and when I do make a close friend or a potential close friend, often something happens that makes me no longer feel we can be close friends (for example, one now-former friend casually admitted to sexually assaulting someone, one friend encouraged me to engage in disordered eating behaviors, one friend turned out to be an anti-vaxxer, one friend started posting antisemitic conspiracy theories…).
Yea that is super hard about losing close friendships, particularly under the circumstances you described. I know this isn’t really helpful, but I would just say keep at it? Varlie Anne responded with some helpful suggestions below, though it sounds like you’re an old hand at this. One thing I’ve had to learn to make my peace with, which is maybe somewhat related to what you’re describing, is that friendships can end or fizzle or fade and all of that can be really hard and painful. But I guess I just try to remind myself that I was able to make close friends before and so if I just keep doing what I’m doing, I’ll (hopefully…?) make more?
omg I should go to bed Valerie* Anne. So sorry! I was so caught up in checking if it was Ann with an E or without that I completely missed all my typos on her first name!
i appreciate your dedication to my precious E!
What I’ve learned (through trial and error) is that even at my lowest, my best bet for true connection with other people is by finding a point of connection before we even get to know each other. Some of my best friends I met through a mutual love for a certain TV show, or through D&D, or even just general nerdiness (one of my favorite early interactions with one of my friends was when she blurted out “I love prime numbers!”) or something like that. Something specific that we could bond over and base our first interactions around to get a feel for each other’s personality without it requiring much on my part. I didn’t feel like I had to be “fun” or “desirable” I just had to talk about this thing I already genuinely liked and talk about it. (That said I also totally feel you and don’t have a roommate or partner in my apt with me and don’t have a quarantine pod so I’m alone with a hunk of wires and miss my cloth monkey mother too.)
How is your relationship with former writers of Autostraddle, do you keep in touch, follow on social, meet…?
i follow everyone (i think?) on social media and MISS THEM tbh
depends on the writer but a lot of them have turned into close friends over the years! for example taylor and lizz are two of my best friends and now we all live in the same city and they’ve been bringing me meals regularly since my dad died. some of them it’s more of a professional relationship and of course some disappear into the ether and i wonder about them and i miss their words!
AS staff, but also everyone, what was the first ever article you read on Autostraddle?
I very clearly remember mine was a personal essay by Crystal titled “The Secret Diary of a Turkey Fister” because seriously, who could forget that title! I’d come to the site through a link from Dorothy Snarker’s blog, but that article was at the top of the homepage and I just had to know what it was about!
I think it was Erin’s first piece about Carol??
https://www.autostraddle.com/the-seven-stages-of-carol-323625/
I know I became aware of Autostraddle in the months after Carol was released.
i’m not sure if it was the VERY first one, but this is the one that first came to mind! https://www.autostraddle.com/before-you-know-it-somethings-over-241440/
<3 <3
@arvan12 I wish I knew the answer to this question. I’m almost certain it was one of Heather’s recaps that brought me here and then I swan dived into the treasure trove of recaps I’d been missing out on.
the first article i actually read was certainly a heather hogan PLL recap, but the first HEADLINE i ever saw come across twitter was an A.A.A. and it was like,
“Also.Also.Also.: Evan Rachel Wood Bisexual Something Something”
And I can’t lie, I was so confused? I was like “wow Autostraddle really has some word salad happening” (sorry Laneia) but then I started OBSESSIVELY READING autostraddle and then I understood!!!!
I remember distinctly that the first article I read on AS was “Femslash Can Save the World If We Let It.”
https://www.autostraddle.com/femslash-can-save-the-world-if-we-let-it-246684/
Why Taylor Swift Offends Little Monsters, Feminists, and Weirdos
lol, @riese <3
<3 <3 !!!
How do you, as a writer, build confidence in yourself and your writing abilities and combat self-doubt and imposter syndrome?
Write. By the time, I submitted my first piece to Autostraddle I’d already been writing essays anonymously on Tumblr for a year and a half. I didn’t feel ready to submit or widely share my work. But I just kept writing. And then I got better and eventually I started itching for a wider audience because I’d started writing things I actually felt proud of.
I think it’s great to maybe NOT have some of the perfectionism and insecurities I have. But! If you don’t feel like confronting all that you can just go my route. lololol
Thanks everyone!
The self-doubt is just going to hit sometimes, and you have to write in spite of it. You have to write the things you want to write and do it for you before thinking about it outwardly. You can be sad about rejections for a moment, but then you have to just keep going. (Rejections, by the way, often have little/nothing to do with the quality of the work, especially if we’re talking about fiction.) Even if you’re feeling anxious and insecure about a certain writing opportunity, push through it and still pitch/apply/submit/post the work. Self-doubt becomes a vicious cycle because it often prevents us from doing the thing which then makes us less likely to want to do the thing etc etc. So EVEN if you’re feeling doubts, you can’t let that stop you completely. Sometimes just the simple act of generating/producing writing without the express goal of publication feels liberating/encouraging/confidence-building, which then in turn makes it easier to seek out publishing opportunities. Hope this helps!!!
@rainbowjules I definitely want to second what Drew said…the best way to build confidence in yourself and your writing abilities is to write. The more you write, the more you’ll start to trust your voice.
I experience a lot of imposter syndrome but always try to remind myself that I’m a unique voice in this space…that I bring a perspective that no one else can. I’m sure the same applies to you.
Good luck!
Thanks to all of you for your advice!
I agree with everything everyone said (esp: just keep writing!) but also if you can, get yourself a hype friend. Even (especially?) someone who isn’t necessarily a writer by trade who loves to support you who is comfortable enough to let you know if something confused them or if they wished they had more clarity on one thing if you send them your whole piece, or even who you can just randomly send sentences to like “does this make sense” or “what’s another word for x.” Writing is often such a solitary and personal thing before it gets out in the world but sometimes it’s so helpful to have a gut-check with someone you trust to gain the confidence to keep going.
co-sign WRITE, co-sign SUBMIT (if you want to be published), co-sign HYPE FRIEND!
something RO Kwon once said in a workshop is that if you base your worth as a writer on accolades, you’ll always be disappointed, because you constantly shift the goalpost. no matter how much external success you have, you’ll always want more. but the good news is you can’t control that shit anyway. like kayla said, it’s often so so so subjective. but what you can control? your relationship to the page. you are in charge of what happens at your keyboard/in your notebook. no one can take that relationship with your writing away from you. so find joy there. then you’re always satisfied.
For anyone so inclined – favourite queer historical moment/place/figure?
Weimar Berlin was a very big part of my coming out actually. I think I was looking for a sort of validation from history that my transness wasn’t part of some fad (lol wild how TERF talking points get in your head) and I read Gay Berlin by Robert M. Beachy like the week I came out to myself.
I think as a Jew who grew up with that period of history so present in my life it was really meaningful to realize how important queerness and transness were to that moment.
And then I just read Beth Elliott’s memoir Mirrors: Portrait of a Lesbian Transsexual and while it’s certainly imperfect I really appreciated learning about her and gaining some cultural context as a trans woman navigating the same sometimes complicated world of predominantly cis lesbian spaces.
mercedes de acosta!
Oscar Wilde will always have a bit of a special place in my heart because reading and writing about Salome was my first introduction to queer theory.
Jeanne Córdova <3
Regarding writing (for websites, magazines – AS and others): Do you have any advice for coming up with ideas/angles to pitch, and a routine for finding and contacting outlets? I find it easier to come up with ideas when I’m prompted or on a deadline, but would like to develop more of my own ideas in the future.
So I always think that the best pitches are the ones that ONLY you could write. Often, that means sort of ignoring the constraints of “timeliness” when it comes to pegging pitches to a certain release/moment—it that makes sense. Like in terms of pop culture writing, there’s such a focus on pitching things that are suuuuuper timely, which can really inhibit creativity! Fortunately, indie publications like Autostraddle tend to prioritize timeliness a little less, but it’s still very much the norm with big media. But I always strongly encourage people to pitch their wildest weirdest ideas when they feel inspiration hit. Those ideas we get at midnight or in the shower or whatever. Write them down first just for yourself in a phone note or diary situation then take a little bit of time to think about them and if you find yourself really wanting to write it, pitch away! Even if it’s “not timely” or not pegged to any specific moment. I honestly think it’ll be easier to pitch the timely stuff once you allow yourself to be freer and riskier with other pitches!
When it comes to finding/contacting outlets, a piece of advice i frequently give is to follow editors on twitter! Then, occasionally use search terms like “pitch me” or “accepting pitches” on Twitter and filter to only include people you follow. It’s a great way to find out who is looking for pitches and how to send them!
I love that these comments automatically show the replies.
Q: What about your current life would most surprise your 2009 self?
That I’m tottally okay with dressing both high femme and more on the masc side as well. I used to be so scared that if i did dress more masc that It would take away from my femininity in some way so I didn’t. Now I love that I still use clothing to express myself in so many ways and don’t have that fear anymore!
❤️
Honestly… I think all of it? But also, in a way, none of it? In 2009 I was majoring in music and had dreams/aspirations of being an orchestral musician with a potential backup plan of being a musicologist. None of that panned out, like at all. I also could not even articulate the possibility that I might not actually be straight, like at all, even though I couldn’t ever picture myself in a relationship, even though I so badly wanted a relationship.
But actually probably the most surprising thing would be that having a basic understanding of statistics has been a core part of my job for the last decade practically, given that in 2009 I famously told my sister I would drop my math major if I had to take a statistics class. (I did take a statistics class, gritted my teeth threw it and did not drop the major).
Sorry I realized I didn’t properly finish the thought. I said “also none of it” because there was also a way in which I couldn’t actually imagine a future for myself in 2009; wanting to be a violinist was something that grounded me but it wasn’t something that I could actually picture — so there’s a way in which nothing really being what I was hoping for — I can’t say that’s really a surprise?
I get the “all of it” part.
Also, I wish I’d had this statistics comment when I was teaching HS math!
1. that i live in los angeles, california
2. that i am not already married with children
3. that autostraddle still exists but is always on the precipice of non-existence and yet we stick with it! (we kinda imagined at this point we’d have regular advertising or investors)
4. that i have friends who don’t work and have never worked at autostraddle
i think the thing that would surprise me the least would be that i have an l word podcast with carly
@nameiwontforget Both that I’m writing here (good surprise) and that I’m still in North Carolina (good and bad surprise).
that i’m gay !
and everything else
Not AS staff, just your below average reader. I have no idea what my 1st article was, but I clearly remember reading Effying Dykes’ story about long nails 10+ years ago. I’m still haunted by it lol.
that was a real haunting one
(also no such thing as a below average reader jusssssst sayin <3 <3 )
OMG me tooooooo
Test comment!
I think this is a reply?
Q: how do i delete misplaced comments? Activity -> post -> delete doesn’t seem to update the thread :’ (
You actually can’t! But if you leave a note for an editor (like in the A+ box) we can do it for you!
Hello!! I am here to notify everyone that the comment replies are broken, but we are not! In true Autostraddle fashion, we are going to plow ahead! Hopefully things will be fixed soon. We have the amazing Yikes team on it, but it wouldn’t be a birthday without a little chaos, right?
So, here’s how this works. Submit your question as usual, then keep an eye out for your name / handle to find any replies!
THANK YOU ALL for coming today and for being A+ members and sticking through with us!
Test!
Hiii Shelli here I just got here! If you want to ask me a question directly just at me @HiShelli so I can get a ping!
HI SHELLI!!
And just like that, the replies are back! Thank you Yikes team!!
During the break I ate a peanut butter sandwich and felt all the feelings listening to the new Lucy Dacus song a combination which feels very tween tbh.
WAIT NEW LUCY DACUS?
She released Thumbs!
https://open.spotify.com/track/79pcC3KJRMA2L8xIb5mu3G?si=-m52IqE2TZ2mW2pfDURbeg
Drew – crunchy or smooth peanut butte?
Lms if you’ve listened Night Shift 10 billion times
I have a skincare question! My chin and cheeks have been breaking out a lot lately (the dreaded “maskne”). I usually wash my face in the shower in the morning with Dial bar soap (I’m sure this is probably a horrible idea, I will totally stop doing this if I’m told to) and at night before bed with Aveeno face wash. And then I will put salicylic acid gel on any breakouts that pop up. Anything I should add to or change about my skincare routine to help with this?
Soo… skin care is definitely not my area of expertise, like by any stretch, but I will jut say — a lot of people say stuff about oily skin etc etc and I find that when my skin is too dry it over produces oil and that, if anything, causes me to break out. So given the Dial soap bar and the Aveeno face wash — I’m wondering what you use to hydrate your face? If you’re worried about oily skin you could try an oil-free moisturizer.
Hey babe!
So I think the first thing is to stop using dial to wash your face – if you like a bar soap try the dove beauty bar – it’s my fav bar face soap.
Maybe also try out glossiers zit stick for a pimple break out too.
Also – you don’t have to wash your face every morning with a product you might be stripping your skin – I wash my face with product every other morning and just do a nice hot steamy towel on days where I don’t and then use Cocokind rose water after (obviously if you wear makeup or an overnight product wash it off but – you know what I mean)
Try a nice moisturizer too – you can start light with Mario badescu (I use the collagen moisturizer) I use that one because it’s great and keeps skin firm with age.
Also grab another dove beauty bar just to wash your masks with and switch and clean them OFTEN!
So in conclusion:
Dove beauty bar for face
Ditch the other cleanser
Don’t wash every day
Try hot towel and water method in between
Use rose water to refresh
Grab moisturizer
Zit stick for a breakout
Xtra beauty bar for washing masks
Feel like a total hottie
I am here to agree with Shelli! You might be washing your face too much! (And also no more dial soap!)
Also, I’m sorry I can’t figure out where to link to them, but I’ve seen masks advertised that are supposed to be helpful for people who are having trouble with maskne. Maybe someone else knows what I’m talking about and can help?
I’m thinking of taking up scrapbooking as hobby. If anyone has experience with it, I have 2 questions:
1. Where could I find more information on scrapbooking to get started.
2. What’s a good place to buy scrapbooking supplies that isn’t too expensive?
My parents’ town and my town both have creative reuse stores (both with “SCRAP” in the name somewhere, incidentally). They’re basically like thrift stores for arts and crafts supplies (selling donated supplies and other fun materials to keep them out of landfills and focus on the “reuse” part of “reduce, reuse, recycle”), and both have scrapbooking supplies for good prices. If there’s a creative reuse store near you, that would be my first recommendation!
I LOVE SCRAPBOOKING
i would check out pinterest and instagram (and maybe tiktok but i’m not on there so i’m not sure)
there are a LOT of suburban moms out there who LOVE scrapbooking and you should capitalize on their expertise
i’ll also second the creative reuse stores (they’re quite common, see if your town has one) and once pandemic precautions allow for this to be a reality, garage sales are often a good place to score old magazines and crafting supplies. also the local buy nothing groups on FB !
have fun!!!
What metrics about the site are advertisers paying attention to and can/should we intentionally game them as a community? There’s lots of different comment and click strategies employed by the faceless online media but I’m wondering what we can do within the respectful warm queer mission that is also good for keeping AS around. Riese, the live event you did with Gabrielle Korn got me thinking about how the people benefiting the most from this place could possibly fancam style unite to mass effect. Or if it’s a very complicated ever changing landscape type thing, what reader behavior helps most?
first of all I LOVE THIS COMMENT and your desire to help and also thank you for coming to me and gabrielle’s chat!!!
they care about pageviews! traffic! that’s what we sell, basically: views. clicking on posts and reading them, visiting the website. clicking on sponsored posts! commenting on them like you’re stoked we have this wonderful post. click through on newsletters. not having adblockers on. (we don’t serve invasive ads like other sites do, we promise!) they also look at our social media followers and engagements — and our social media posts are seen by bigger audiences if there’s more engagement on them.
i’m not sure what readers can do unless the volume of readers is significant but i know google does look at Click-thru-rates when determining rankings — so like if you google “lesbian movies” and click on the autostraddle result instead of the two posts that come up before it, that tells google that our result is the most appealing one and that is supposed to help rankings!
How often do you read comments on your writing?
Sometimes a post is so powerful or impressive that it leaves me comment-less. When readers don’t know what to say or are low on energy to say it (especially these days), do you prefer a one word or emoji comment to no comment? Or is that just annoying?
I read all the comments on things I write. Or try to. When things are published as part of a round table style post (ie by line is “the team” or something like that) then I don’t get an email notification that I received a comment unless someone tags me @himani in their comment, so sometimes I miss those, but I often will check the post over the next few days to read the comments. Any comments that people leave mean a lot to me because (as was asked a few comments above) I often struggle with imposter syndrome and also purpose. Even if the comment is brief like a word or an emoji, I really appreciate it because it lets me know someone has seen and has found some worth in what I wrote. Otherwise, it can feel like writing into the void.
Thanks. That’s helpful. Sometimes the writing that gives me the most to think about can be hardest to respond to in the moment.
Yea that’s super real (as someone who never leaves comments on pretty much anything I read on the internet, save Autostraddle on occasion). I also realize that this is an area I personally need to work on (the imposter syndrome & the purpose, I mean)
I never read any comments on anything that I write UNLESS it is something published on Autostraddle. Like I literally write for soooo many online publications but I never read the comments anywhere other than here. Because usually comments are not productive/encouraging/meaningful in other spaces. But HERE, they are! So I p much always read them here, because they make me feel grounded and connected to people. One word or an emoji def still means something to me! But again, only in this specific space.
I always read the comments even though I always give the advice to never read the comments. But I agree with Kayla that the comments on Autostraddle are by far the best. 99% of the time they’re supportive and open-minded even when they’re disagreeing, and the 1% of the time they’re not it’s because non-Autostraddle readers found the article somehow.
I always like one word or <3s or emoji comments, because I 100% understand the sentiment of not knowing what to say but it's always nice to know people are reading, like Himani said!
I read all the comments. I used to respond more than I do now because idk I just get overwhelmed and don’t always know what to say when people say nice things. But I do really appreciate them. Even just one word or an emoji.
i think i read all the comments, or i try to! sometimes TIRTL comments come in slower than normal and i have to remember to go back to them especially cuz it goes up on a friday. but yes i read them! i think unless something is really destroying me inside and then i have to take a step back, but i can’t even remember the last time that happened, it was definitely over 5 years ago.
co-sign kayla and co-sign drew
…which i am learning is the major energy in my life overall, based on this AMA!
(thank you for commenting when you can, i know it can be overwhelming and i know we don’t always respond. it always always always means a lot.)
@nameiwontforget As someone who started out offering TV commentary in the Autostraddle comments section before I became a writer here, I make a point to read every comment. I’m so grateful for everyone who engages with my work.
And and and I read almost all of the comments! 😂
Riese do you still want a kid(s)?
yes
do you have an extra
I always used to offer mine. But now they’re too old to really be considered “kids”. But if you want a dependent in their early 20s…
hahahahahahaa
Lol unfortunately no just the one and I’m rather attached to him. Thanks for humoring me, for creating this magical place, and for making my week every (other) Monday with To L and Back. 😊
you’re welcome!
I just finished watching Derry Girls with my tv party pals. What should we watch next?
Hmmmm if you like Derry Girls… have you seen One Day at a Time? Because that’s always my next on adorable teen lesbians list. I also recommend: grown-ish, but less for the lesbian content, and if you have Disney+ where you are there’s a really great tween show called Diaries of a U.S. President that has two light queer subplots and lots of kick ass girls can do anything energy.
If you’re tv party pals are chill with movies, I think: All I Wanna Do is something that’s come up a bunch lately between me and Drew and definitely has some Derry Girls energy.
@rb17 If you want to stick with British shows: Chewing Gum, The Inbetweeners (male protagonists) and Sex Education. I’m not sure if Can’t Cope, Won’t Cope is streaming anywhere but that’s a funny Irish comedy.
How do you guys think “The Fosters” will be remembered in the greater context of queer/lesbian media?
This is a great question, @evi__, and one that I think about a fair amount. I worry that it’ll be overlooked because of shows that either centralize the married characters and/or shows that are more risqué than The Fosters. I hope I’m being overly cynical. I think The Fosters was groundbreaking TV. I want the show to be remembered as the show that normalized queerness in way that few shows had even tried to do before.
Also? I’m obliged to tell you that the Mamas are back on Good Trouble this week!
THE MAMAS ARE BACK ON GOOD TROUBLE THIS WEEK!!! WHEW BOI
Thanks for the reply! I plan on starting to watch Good Trouble soon!!!
To anyone! Has Autostraddle ever thought about operating as a non-profit? Not sure how complicated that would be, but I wonder if there are foundations and grants that would support/fund this work, in addition to individual donations and ad money, etc.
They addressed this, I believe, last year? Maybe one of the first fundraisers during the pandemic? I remember reading about it but my brain’s pretty fried, esp today where I’ve been at my work desk for 14 hours : | if you look back, you’ll probably find some info on why they don’t choose that route.
Hello! Thanks for the question! Yes, we have answered it and the answer is in this post: Yes, Fundraising is Part of Our Business Model: Here’s Why
I also can attest that I’ve done more than my fair share of grantwriting for arts nonprofits, but that my search for foundations whose funding priorities apply to Autostraddle hasn’t turned much up. Then there’s the fact that many foundations changed their funding priorities due to the pandemic. (And that I have my doubts about foundation funding in general.) Finally, while I don’t know the funding life of the good folks at Bitch, they also have talked for years about their difficulties in getting funding from foundations. I can only imagine our situation would be similar, if not more difficult for myriad reasons!
That being said, if you want to introduce us to any foundations or have any ideas, we are determined to stay funded and I am happy to learn more about any viable routes for doing so!
Sending so much love. It’s so awesome to see questions like this and that you all want us to stick around, too!!!
Thank you for this response! All of this info totally makes sense and I appreciate you sharing it with me. I definitely wish I had connections to foundations help support you all! I was just wondering because there is a successful online newspaper here in Chicago that runs on a non-profit model (https://blockclubchicago.org/). But I don’t know how that actually works for them, and you are definitely the expert in this situation!
Oops! Sorry, I think I replied to a reply, but thank you for your question and I put a response down below! Thank you also for being an A+ member!
Hey everyone! I’m a new A+ member, although I’ve been regularly reading Autostraddle for several years. Does Autostraddle has a substantial number of readers in the 18-25 (Gen Z) age range? I’m interested in knowing if there are a lot of other people around my age here.
Thank you for doing this Q&A!
HI!!!! Thanks for joining A+! It’s great to meet you!
We actually had a similar question earlier so I can confidently say that a little under 20% of our A+ members are 18-24. So you are far from alone!! But ALSO! I’d love to know from you — what would you like to see here? Tell us anything!
Happy birthday Autostraddle!
I’m wondering if any writers have advice for relating to parents who care a lot about you but aren’t able to nonjudgementally discuss challenging subjects or offer real emotional support. I came out to my parents as nonbinary, and my mom has been slowly learning to use my pronouns but my dad doesn’t really try. I’m planning to get top surgery soon and my partner started on feminizing hormones a little while ago, and I haven’t yet told my parents. It’s been very painful talking to my parents about other important things in my life (just got into grad school!) but having to so closely manage discussions around gender. My mom keeps talking about how excited she is to see me once the pandemic recedes, but I mostly feel nervous about the likely possibility that they will constantly misgender myself and my partner. I love my parents, and I don’t want to cut them out of my life, but I’m struggling a lot with how to draw appropriate boundaries here. Help?
this is such a challenging question, and i mostly want to extend empathy to you as you work through this. i’m a cis dyke so i can’t relate specifically to your situation and i won’t pretend that i can, but i can relate to loving your parents who love you, and wanting to keep them in your life, while still struggling with the ways in which they can’t discuss challenging subjects or meet you where you’re at emotionally. it’s really hard work. but the key is in, as you yourself said, boundaries. the appropriate boundaries here are the ones you want to draw. you are the one experiencing harm or pain when interacting with your parents, even if they love you, so you are the one who gets to decide how much time you spend with them, how much access they have to you, etc. you are allowed to set those boundaries and revisit and shift them whenever you want. i do believe the people who love us can grow and change, and i do believe in sticking around to do that work. not everyone does, and that’s okay too. but you can do this painful work on your own terms. i hope this helps a little. i am rooting for all of you, sincerely. <3
Thanks Vanessa. I’m still learning how to set appropriate boundaries and try to affirm myself in that process, but it’s so freaking hard! So I appreciate the empathy <3
it’s really hard! a huge part of my therapy journey is learning how to set appropriate boundaries with my mom. the cool thing is even if she NEVER goes to therapy, you can do a lot of boundary setting work on your own and you don’t rly need her to sign on for your work to be meaningful and protect you long term, you know? you can’t control others but you can control yourself and how you react to them, etc etc.
Also for context, my sibling and I have talked to my mom about therapy for a few years now and she keeps saying she’s ready to start, but she won’t take the final step of actually setting up a consultation with the person she has picked out.
I can’t speak specifically to misgendering me or a partner but my mom was also slow to…get it when I first came out to her. At first it was a lot of “I still love you but” or little things like when I realized (at a very awkward dinner) she hadn’t told her best friend who she talked to every day over a year after I came out to her. I’ve been out for a while now so now it’s mostly language stuff, or questioning how sure I was, or misgendering relatives or celebrities who come out. So for me, what’s made me feel most comfortable (after pushing past the original discomfort of it) is to just correct her. Every single time. Patiently the first time, less so with each repeated offense. Whenever my mom says something incorrect about anything, or misgenders someone, or uses outdated terminology, I firmly correct her. Because when it comes down to it, it’s something that’s fundamentally and irrevocably important to me and she needs to know that she has to get on board or I’m leaving her at the dock. So far she has chosen to learn instead of lose me. It also does require a bit of patience on my part (patience I wouldn’t give to just anyone) and the understanding that sometimes she’s just going to get mad at me for correcting her/take it too personally/be mean about it, but ultimately I know it’s the only way I can have a relationship with her. I don’t know your exact relationship but I think having a conversation with your parents – or even sending an email – ahead of your next time seeing them and explaining that this is important to you, or even just warning them like “hey x and y things are true about my partner and I, and if you don’t respect that I will a) correct you every time b) be very, very hurt every time after the first slip-up.
I answered this before I saw Vanessa’s comment LISTEN TO VANESSA SHE IS GOOD AND WISE
LOVE U BABE
This question is for anyone! How do you maintain a healthy relationship with social media? I recently deactivated or deleted all of my accounts, and by most measures I am feeling so much better! I feel like my mental health has improved, along with the quality of my thinking/analysis/cognition, and I’m feeling much better about how I’m utilizing my time. However, there are some specific communities and on-the-ground news sources that I really care about that are hard to stay connected to offline. I’m thinking about potentially recreating accounts at some point but really don’t want to go back to being “extremely online.” Has anyone been able to make social media feel healthy, or at least work for them?
‘
I still have an unhealthy relationship with social media HOWEVER I have learned the glory of twitter lists. I now have my friends neatly sorted, and different types of media on other lists, so instead of just getting the barrage of TIMLEINE I can choose what I’m ready for. Just people I know IRL? Okay. Real life news? I know where to go. And more importantly, how to get away.
oh gosh, if i had the answer to this question i’d be rich! or more likely my mental health would just be much, well, healthier.
my short answer is i haven’t found a rly solid solution but i have small tricks. much like abeni spoke about above with quitting weed cold turkey, i am most successful with an all or nothing approach when it comes to moderating social media. however, my jobs literally rely on me being online, which causes me to be more online recreationally, and then the cycle continues…
small tricks that help:
1. set a timer and actually listen to it. make it a timer not on your phone so you can’t just turn it off and keep scrolling. use an alarm clock or the oven to set a timer and when it goes off SNAP OUT OF YOUR SCROLLING, turn it off, and put the phone down.
2. set a website blocker or an app blocker (do those exist?) on your laptop and phone.
3. literally lock your phone away from yourself for a few hours a day. (i had a writing teacher suggest a timed lock box for this.)
4. ask a friend to lock you out of your account for a few days/weeks.
5. remove the apps from your home screen.
6. remove the apps from your phone for a while.
7. keep your phone in a different room while you sleep and force yourself to do [thing] before you’re allowed to get on social media for the day.
…obviously these are all rly tiny tricks for a person who is addicted to her phone. it’s not great. i wish i had a better solution. but for now i’m doing my best and this is it.
good luck! <3
Valerie Anne and/or other TV Team members – in your professional expert opinion(s), what do you think the chances of Wynonna Earp finding a US distributor and getting a season 5 are (even if it takes a couple years)?
If I’m being 200% honest with you, I think the chances are slim. I don’t think it’s completely HOPELESS, and I think it’s still worth the fight, but considering it was already dropped and re-renewed once, and it’s a 10 for 10 Canadian show, I don’t feel overly optimistic about a US site picking it up. That said, it would be very SMART for any well-off streaming service; it would cost them very little money and would do wonders for them in the eyes of queer fandom. Plus if they made legit any official merch it would pay for itself. Unfortunately I’m not sure how many companies care about that/us that much. They all want the next Stranger Things or WandaVision. :(
That said, I think Emily Andras will go on to write more great, gay things, and I think the actors will all find homes on new shows. And I know we’ll follow them anywhere. :)
(And I could see those goofballs doing some fun reunion stuff someday just because they love us)
I’ve been trying to come up with questions all day and I don’t think I actually have any which feels wrong. But I wanted to contribute anyway and say I love all y’all and have enjoyed reading everyone’s questions and answers!
thank you, chloe!!!!
<3 <3 <3
Thank you Chloe!! <3 <3 <3
I watch a lot of the queer TV shows that are recapped here on Autostraddle, and I want to start engaging with other fans on social media and making friends, but I don’t know where to start because I feel like I’m not very experienced at interneting especially the social part. I scroll/browse a lot of content on Twitter and Tumblr, is one of these better than the other for engaging in fandom and making connections with other fans that could eventually become friendships? Any advice for what to do on days when I want to connect and engage with others but don’t know how to respond or reply to their posts and strike up conversations?
I met almost all of my closest friends on Twitter. I just made jokes with people or liked/commented on people’s tweets during livetweets or followed them from the hashtag and engaged with them as it felt organic. My tactic is always “reply as if they’re already a new friend” aka not the way I’d talk to a super close friend/overly casual but also skipping the small talk/stranger part because we already have this show in common. I like to engage with fan theories and such too to spark fun conversations. I personally found twitter better than tumblr as far as conversations go (vs just consuming cool art/jokes/thoeries) but I could also be considered An Old in fandom years haha
Thanks so much for the great advice, Valerie! I think we’re around the same age (I’m 28), so your social media use seems relevant for me as a Fellow Old haha. Right now what I’m looking for are some internet friends to discuss our favorite shows with each other, and you gave me some good suggestions for how to use Twitter as I’m making the switch from passive to active fan. I’m also going to start commenting on Autostraddle’s TV show recaps more regularly and finally follow you and the other Autostraddle TV Team members on Twitter (@musicalsrock same username as my Autostraddle account).
I don’t know if the comments are closed now but I have one follow-up question: any tips for livetweeting a show for the first time since you seem to be an expert, especially keeping up with the fast pace to come up with comments while still watching and following along with what’s happening? I got into Wynonna Earp recently after reading your recaps which I love and are hilarious, and I’ll finally be caught up with Season 4A this week so I’m thinking of making the leap into Earper Twitter on Friday night since Earpers seem like such a particularly warm and welcoming fandom.
@punkystarshine I’m not sure if I needed to tag your username in my first reply above for you to receive the thank you note since it was sent after the AMA was closed.
Yes hi hello I have a question: who do I have to fuck to get one of those tote bags?
Sincerely,
Anonymous
(gretchen hansen)
grotchin hunson,
while i do appreciate you making the first move to acquire a tote bag
unfortunately this question arrived at 8:17 pm
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
rinse
(marie bernard)