Autostraddle’s Fall Television Guide: All The New Girls

Prime Suspect

Thurs. Sept 22, 10 p.m. EST (NBC)

“Jane is confident and focused – and also rude, abrupt and occasionally reckless. She has her vices, and rumors of a questionable past follow her everywhere – but at the end of the day, she’s an instinctively brilliant cop who can’t be distracted from the only important thing: the prime suspect.”

So, Maria Bello plays Jane Timoney, a badass Homicide Detective who looks good in menswear. Jane is transferred to a NYC Homicide Department presently composed entirely of douchebags who make a lot of lame sexist jokes to which she volleys clever retorts. In other words, she’s going to give you all a lesbian boner.

It’s based on a British series and is produced by the guy who did Friday Night Lights, a very popular critically-acclaimed program about football.

Verdict

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Grimm

Fri. Oct 21, 9 p.m. EST (NBC)


This show is gonna be rad.

“”Grimm” is a new drama series inspired by the classic Grimm’s Fairy Tales. Portland homicide Detective Nick Burkhardt discovers he is descended from an elite line of criminal profilers known as “Grimms,” charged with keeping balance between humanity and the mythological creatures of the world.”

Verdict:

 

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Pan Am

Sun. Sept 25, 10 p.m. EST (ABC)

“Passion, adventure and espionage… They do it all—and they do it at 30,000 feet. The style of the 1960s, the energy and excitement of the Jet Age and a drama full of sexy entanglements deliciously mesh in a thrilling and highly original new series, Pan Am, premiering SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 25, on the ABC Television Network.”

I’ve wanted one of those Pan Am bags for probably years now, and now that this show exists, I feel like I’m never going to be able to afford one. That bitterness aside, Pan Am stars Christina Ricci, the outfits are cute, and it’s directed by the director of The West Wing.

Verdict:

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Ringer

Tues. Sept 13, 9 p.m. EST (CW)

“Sarah Michelle Gellar stars as a woman who, after witnessing a murder, goes on the run, hiding out by assuming the life of her wealthy identical twin sister – only to learn that her sister’s seemingly idyllic life is just as complicated and dangerous as the one she’s trying to leave behind.”

Once Buffy the Vampire Slayer gets to New York City, she and her estranged twin sister go on a boat trip from which her sister never returns. So Bridget takes on her sister’s identity but unfortunately her sister is even more fucked up than she is. I assume I will enjoy this based on my present enjoyment of The Lying Game.

Verdict:

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New Girl

Tues. Sept 20, 9 p.m. EST (Fox)

THE NEW GIRL, starring Zooey Deschanel as JESS DAY, is a single-camera comedy about a dorky awkward manic pixie dream girl who walks in on her boyfriend at their apartment with another lady (this scene is identical to the same scene in 2 Broke Girls) , therefore breaks up with him, and is henceforth forced to move in to a new apartment with a bunch of duders.

THE NEW GIRL allegedly will provide a “fresh” and “outrageous” take on our favorite topic, “male/female relationships.” Everybody will love this show except me.  The best part is that Damon Wayans JUNIOR is in it.


Verdict:

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What are you gonna watch? This is what I would watch if I watched television for three hours a night which would never actually happen but anyhow:

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Riese

Riese is the 43-year-old Co-Founder of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, video-maker, LGBTQ+ Marketing consultant and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and now lives in Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in nine books, magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. She's Jewish and has a cute dog named Carol. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 3266 articles for us.

83 Comments

  1. Whoever’s idea it was to illustrate the verdict with gifs: genius. You get a special gold star today.

    I’m also looking forward to “Once Upon a Time”.

    Seems like a long wait until the fall season actually officially starts. At least I always have autostraddle!

  2. Grace, I wasn’t sure what you wanted our wedding registry to be for, so I just put down Radio Shack.

  3. At first I thought I would be interested in The Playboy Club for Amber Heard and this lesbian character but no I am most excited about this show because I found out that my Broadway crush Laura Benanti is in it. This pretty much ensures that I will watch every episode no matter how bad it is. Just like I watched every awful episode of Starved just because she played a lesbian in it. She needs to play lesbians more often BTW. I hope she has as much TV crossover success as Jane Krakowski and Kristin Chenoweth have had because she is just as amazing.

      • Yes girl! She was on a tv show called Starved that used to air on FX with Always Sunny in Philadelphia when it first premiered. It only lasted a season and Laura’s character and her relationship with her girlfriend(who had cancer) were really the only good things about the show. I don’t know where the episodes are available these days. Not legally anyway.

  4. I might consider watching a few episodes of New Girl for Damon Wayans Jr. tbh, but after the first episode he’s replaced with a new dude since he’s currently on Happy Endings and Fox is too lazy and/or cheap to reshoot the pilot. >_>

    So basically, it’s officially dead to me.

    • They claim not to have “replaced” him but written him out the show. Like he moves or something instead of someone stepping in and being the same character. I don’t really believe this since they hired another black guy. They just switched the lines to the “new” character probs.

  5. I will probably not get around to watching anything until its been out for a while, and then I will watch it illegally on the internet. I will probably watch Always Sunny though.

    If I can find my ass and my eyes and the teevee remote and a chair I’ll try Prime Suspect and/or Ringer because I like Sarah Michelle Gellar and she hasn’t been in anything very good for a while now.

    • The problem with new teevee shows is that they’re like relationships. They’re exciting and new, and everyone is goodlooking and you’re entranced, but then the plot lines and people become more complicated, and you become guilted into being there you know? You have to know what happens! If you’re not there everyone isn’t going to be alright!

      Now you’re stuck, and your emotions are all entangled, you can see the make up on their faces, they’re not as beautiful, this is a mess you can’t function any more, you’ve starting drinking whiskey during your nightly teevee hour, you know you should just break up. You have to hit that button and walk away.

  8. this is fantastic, riese! all of your GIFs made me LOL. and yes…playboy and panam (and smash, obvs) are going to be so good!

  9. Whoever thought of the gif like it was tumblr fucking beautiful all i had to do was look at the gif to know if i should watch it. THANK YOU FOR MAKING A TV GUIDE CHART! i was at work like a made person trying to figure out the shows and everything.

  10. i’m excited about ringer. i will probably end up watching the new girl because i like zooey. pan am might be good too.

  12. Grimm looks AWESOME! If it’s anything like Disney’s Halloweentown, I’m in.

    (As long as it doesn’t lead to boys using the word “grim” any more than they do now in their discussion of “less than attractive” girls… I can only perform corrective bitch slaps so many times a day).

  13. Thank you for that TV guide, it took out the last step preventing me from adding new shows to my schedule and made it easy!
    Without it I’d probably just watch Glee on tv and 30 Rock on hulu, with it I might try Grimm and Up All Night too.

    Also: gifs gifs gifs gifs gifs.

  14. You mean I have to figure out how to hook up my cable box by sept 20 for glee? Fuck. (Can you watch that online?)

  18. I’m intrigued by The New Girl as well..however, because Damon Wayons Jr is in “Happy Endings” (which got picked up for a second season) he won’t be in this series…
    Regardless..its definitely something I’ll give a chance..we’ll see how long it takes before Deshanel (sp?) gets on my nerves–may immediately, maybe never–its a crapshoot :)

    • [FYI – you can watch the first episode of the New Girl right now for free on itunes]

      I’ve often enjoyed Zooey in films like All the Real Girls, Elf, and (500)Days of Summer. But I thought the New Girl basically made her into a bad caricature of herself instead of the lovable nerd she could be.

      And it’s totally not her fault – overall, the pilot was terrible. Full of obnoxious dialogue, characters and stereotypes. Sometimes I can watch a show like this and appreciate the cheese of it all, but this was painful and not funny at all. I wasn’t a huge fan of Meriwether’s No Strings Attached either, but at least that had some redeeming qualities.

      I would have put in a vomiting GIF above instead of an eye roll.

    • [FYI – you can watch the first episode of the New Girl right now for free on itunes]

      I’ve enjoyed Zooey in films like All the Real Girls, Elf, and (500)Days of Summer. But I thought the New Girl basically turned her into a bad self-caricature instead of the lovable nerd she could be.

      And it’s totally not her fault; overall, the pilot was terrible. Full of obnoxious dialogue, characters and stereotypes. Sometimes I can watch a show like this and appreciate the cheese of it all, but this was painful and not funny at all. I wasn’t a huge fan of Meriwether’s No Strings Attached either, but at least that had some redeeming qualities.

      I would have put in a vomiting GIF above instead of an eye roll.

  19. First of all, there should be a government grant awarded for the study of Dispensing Judgement via GIFs, and it should go to Riese.
    Second, re: 2br0kegri11z. (i wanna put that in glitter grafx so bad.)
    ….I don’t understand, Kat Dennings…I just don’t understand why…you’re a *good* actress…you don’t have to be in *bad* shows…Why? WHY?!?

    • I watched the preview of two broke girls,(and yes, I am refusing to comply with the spelling)I really wish I hadn’t. That was just…bad. Painfully bad. Howthefuckdidthisevergetputonanynetworkevah bad.

      It makes me rethink my assumption that I’m not talented enough to write for a tv show.

  21. The title sequence of The New Girl was the most cloying thing I have seen since flipping through Gwyneth Paltrow’s cook book.

    The show had some laughs, mostly in the first few minutes, but the schtick got old fast. She wouldn’t stop singing. Not songs, just sentences. And the repeating of her name was for no one’s benefit. And the jovial doucheyness of (at least) one of the guys became painful by the end.

    It also failed the Bechdel Test.

    I’ll give it a couple more episodes, but I’m not too hopeful.

    I AM massively psyched for Ringer, though. And Pan Am. Also, the return of Fringe, Community, Parks and Rec and 30 Rock… maybegleetoo.

  22. i’m so disappointed by 2 broke girls, because i adore kat dennings but… yeah, nope. i’m looking forward to the playboy club and up all night, though. and i wish i were into crime shows because prime suspect looks pretty great. but really, i’m just waiting for parks & rec to come back.

    • I agree…meh. I’m just waiting for The Good Wife, Harry’s Law, Private Practice. Don’t know when The Big C will return, but I love it, and patiently waiting for Nurse Jackie to be back…2012…boo hoo.

  25. Love the list adn the GIFs. And it’s a bummer that almost every review I’ve read on “New Girl” has been bad. Zooey Deschanel is capable of better.

    But, you gotta squeeze The Good Wife and Dexter somewhere into those Sunday slots.

    9pm – The Good Wife
    10pm – Pan Am
    11pm – Dexter (the later rebroadcast)

  26. RINGERRRR

    obvs i have printed and laminated (with clear packing tape) that amazing tv guide, with channel #s written in the margin because i haven’t memorized my cable lineup yet.

  28. 2 Broke Girls makes me sad insidie because I naturally want to immediately watch something that has Kat Dennings in it.

    That said, it looks like there are a few other shows I’ll be trying out on top of the usuals.

    People still watch the Office?

  29. Some thoughts:

    1.) I just noticed that Christina Applegate looks like grown-up Dianna Agron.
    2.) I thought about watching “2 Broke Girls” for 2 other girls on the show (read: Kat Dennings’ boobs)
    3.) [Oprah voice] LAUURAAAAA BENAAAAAANTIIIIII! [/Oprah voice]
    4.) “This show would be better if they replaced the Kardashians with like, Sadie Doyle and Tracie from Jezebel.” SOMEONE MAKE THIS HAPPEN.
    5.) Girl from “Suburgatory” (ugh, I felt like such a dick typing that) looks like a knock-off Emma Stone, and that’s CLEARLY what they’re going for. Guys, “Emma Stone” is a TYPE now.

    Also, you forgot “Finn Hudson (L)” in that bit about “Glee.”

  30. Okay, not going to lie, the 2 broke girls show only interests me for the hilarity factor of ONE OF THE CHARACTERS BEING NAMED AFTER CAROL CHANNING.

  35. Can anyone tell me who the ‘verdict’ guy is in the photo for the secret circle? ’cause I swear he looks EXACTLY like my girlfriend’s dad :-s

  36. I love Santana & Brittany <3
    I just do.
    And I love when they sang "Landslide".

    Is Pretty Little Liars worth watching?

  39. Oh whatever New Girl may look terribly over the top and perfectly gaudy but I’m going to loff every moment of it. Yes, loff.

  40. Looking forward to Grimm and Ringer. I will also be watching The Secret Circle while eating popcorn with an expression of evil glee.

    These GIFs are amazing.

  41. OH.MYGOD. I am in the UK, and we got Helen Mirren in Prime Suspect- the woman played the Queen, for fucks sake. Instead, you get ‘Piedmont, North Dakota’ from Coyote Ugly???

    DAMN YOU AMERICA!

    On the flip side, thank you internet. Because I’ll be damned if I’m not watching Piedmont North Dakota every week…

  42. I will have to give 2 broke girls a try just because Molly McAleer is one of my favorite writers…..I am so hoping the show is better than it looks!

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