Autostraddle’s Fall Television Guide: All The New Girls

It’s fall and you know what that means! Weeks upon weeks of America’s Got Talent, Criminal Minds re-runs, Storage Wars and Hoarding: Buried Alive have come to an end. In their place we’ll all be watching a bountiful roster of returning programs we love: Modern Family, The Office, Pretty Little Liars, Glee, How I Met Your Mother, Extreme Couponing and so forth.

BUT! In addition to our old favorites, the world is gifting us a massive truckload of brand-spanking-new shows! According to an issue of Glamour I read in a waiting room yesterday, the majority of this year’s new programming is female-centric. This is fantastic, because as the lesbian theme of this website implies, we hate men. That being said, it seems like a majority of this year’s programming is relying on gender tropes and “men are from mars/women are from venus” cliches to delight and enliven their audience, which I feel negatively about, though I imagine less psychologically burdened people may not feel the same.

So I’ve chosen a few shows that I think you probably are considering watching — but first, let’s answer that question heavy on everybody’s mind:

Where Are The Queer Girls?

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Santana (L) and Brittany (B), Glee

Fox, Sep. 20, 8 pm

 

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Kalinda Sharma (B), The Good Wife

CBS, Sep.25, 9 pm

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Alice (L), The Playboy Club

NBC, Sep.19, 10 pm

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Callie (B) and Arizona (L), Grey’s Anatomy

ABC, September 22, 9 pm

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Kayla (L), America’s Next Top Model: All-Stars

The CW, Sep 14, 9 pm

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Emily (L) and Maya (L), Pretty Little Liars

ABC Family, Oct. 12th, 9pm

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New Fall Shows Relevant To Your Interests

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The Secret Circle

Thu. Sep 15, 9 p.m. EST (CW)

The Secret Circle is yet another supernatural thriller about teenagers, my favorite! This time, the topic is Witches. 16-year-old Cassie (Britt Robertson) becomes an orphan when her Mom dies in a fire, and promptly moves to her dead mother’s hometown. It is here that she is informed that she’s a witch. There are lots of witches, bitches. You should watch this extended trailer (embedding disabled). Oh and — Brian Kinney stars as an evil parent!

Verdict:

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Up All Night

Wed. Sept 14, 10 p.m. EST (NBC)

Here’s why you’re gonna be into this:

+ Gob

+ Maya Rudolph

Christina Applegate is pretty easy on the eyes as well, although she’s always Kelly Bundy to me:

So basically Christina Applegate‘s character Reagan Brinkley has a good career and is the “life of the party.” Also, she has a baby! A REAL LIVE BABY PERSON! Luckily, she’s got a stay-at-home-husband, played by Gob. If only Gob could find the cheese in the store! What a goof! What will happen as the duo face the challenges of BABY-REARING? Will Reagan have to “compromise her career or cool reputation to the cliches of motherhood?” I’m on the edge of my seat waiting to find out!

Verdict:

 

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2 Broke Girls

Mon. Sept 19, 9:30 p.m. EST (CBS)

“Sassy, streetwise Max Black works two jobs just to get by, one of which is waiting tables during the night shift at the retro-hip Williamsburg Diner. Sophisticated Caroline Channing is an uptown trust fund princess who’s having a run of bad luck that forces her to reluctantly give waitressing a shot. At first, Max sees Caroline as yet another in a long line of inept servers she must cover for, but she’s surprised to find that Caroline has as much substance as she does style.”

From this four-minute preview and the fact that the title uses the numeral “2” instead of the word “two,” I already totally hate this show which is allegedly about waitresses who live in Williamsmburg, Brooklyn. As a former waitress who lived in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, I feel viewing this show would be redundant. Furthermore, it’s possibly racist.

Other characters include “Oleg, an overly flirtatious Russian cook,” “Earl, a 75-year-old kool-kat cashier,” “Han Lee, the new, eager-to-please owner of the diner” and “Abdul Mohammed, the uptight manager of the 7-11 next door.” Just kidding about that last one, I made it up. I was just running with the theme.

Verdict:

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Next: The Playboy Club, Unforgettable, H8R and MORE!

Pages: 1 2 3See entire article on one page

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Riese

Riese is the 43-year-old Co-Founder of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, video-maker, LGBTQ+ Marketing consultant and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and now lives in Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in nine books, magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. She's Jewish and has a cute dog named Carol. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 3266 articles for us.

83 Comments

  1. Whoever’s idea it was to illustrate the verdict with gifs: genius. You get a special gold star today.

    I’m also looking forward to “Once Upon a Time”.

    Seems like a long wait until the fall season actually officially starts. At least I always have autostraddle!

  2. Grace, I wasn’t sure what you wanted our wedding registry to be for, so I just put down Radio Shack.

  3. At first I thought I would be interested in The Playboy Club for Amber Heard and this lesbian character but no I am most excited about this show because I found out that my Broadway crush Laura Benanti is in it. This pretty much ensures that I will watch every episode no matter how bad it is. Just like I watched every awful episode of Starved just because she played a lesbian in it. She needs to play lesbians more often BTW. I hope she has as much TV crossover success as Jane Krakowski and Kristin Chenoweth have had because she is just as amazing.

      • Yes girl! She was on a tv show called Starved that used to air on FX with Always Sunny in Philadelphia when it first premiered. It only lasted a season and Laura’s character and her relationship with her girlfriend(who had cancer) were really the only good things about the show. I don’t know where the episodes are available these days. Not legally anyway.

  4. I might consider watching a few episodes of New Girl for Damon Wayans Jr. tbh, but after the first episode he’s replaced with a new dude since he’s currently on Happy Endings and Fox is too lazy and/or cheap to reshoot the pilot. >_>

    So basically, it’s officially dead to me.

    • They claim not to have “replaced” him but written him out the show. Like he moves or something instead of someone stepping in and being the same character. I don’t really believe this since they hired another black guy. They just switched the lines to the “new” character probs.

  5. I will probably not get around to watching anything until its been out for a while, and then I will watch it illegally on the internet. I will probably watch Always Sunny though.

    If I can find my ass and my eyes and the teevee remote and a chair I’ll try Prime Suspect and/or Ringer because I like Sarah Michelle Gellar and she hasn’t been in anything very good for a while now.

    • The problem with new teevee shows is that they’re like relationships. They’re exciting and new, and everyone is goodlooking and you’re entranced, but then the plot lines and people become more complicated, and you become guilted into being there you know? You have to know what happens! If you’re not there everyone isn’t going to be alright!

      Now you’re stuck, and your emotions are all entangled, you can see the make up on their faces, they’re not as beautiful, this is a mess you can’t function any more, you’ve starting drinking whiskey during your nightly teevee hour, you know you should just break up. You have to hit that button and walk away.

  8. this is fantastic, riese! all of your GIFs made me LOL. and yes…playboy and panam (and smash, obvs) are going to be so good!

  9. Whoever thought of the gif like it was tumblr fucking beautiful all i had to do was look at the gif to know if i should watch it. THANK YOU FOR MAKING A TV GUIDE CHART! i was at work like a made person trying to figure out the shows and everything.

  10. i’m excited about ringer. i will probably end up watching the new girl because i like zooey. pan am might be good too.

  12. Grimm looks AWESOME! If it’s anything like Disney’s Halloweentown, I’m in.

    (As long as it doesn’t lead to boys using the word “grim” any more than they do now in their discussion of “less than attractive” girls… I can only perform corrective bitch slaps so many times a day).

  13. Thank you for that TV guide, it took out the last step preventing me from adding new shows to my schedule and made it easy!
    Without it I’d probably just watch Glee on tv and 30 Rock on hulu, with it I might try Grimm and Up All Night too.

    Also: gifs gifs gifs gifs gifs.

  14. You mean I have to figure out how to hook up my cable box by sept 20 for glee? Fuck. (Can you watch that online?)

  18. I’m intrigued by The New Girl as well..however, because Damon Wayons Jr is in “Happy Endings” (which got picked up for a second season) he won’t be in this series…
    Regardless..its definitely something I’ll give a chance..we’ll see how long it takes before Deshanel (sp?) gets on my nerves–may immediately, maybe never–its a crapshoot :)

    • [FYI – you can watch the first episode of the New Girl right now for free on itunes]

      I’ve often enjoyed Zooey in films like All the Real Girls, Elf, and (500)Days of Summer. But I thought the New Girl basically made her into a bad caricature of herself instead of the lovable nerd she could be.

      And it’s totally not her fault – overall, the pilot was terrible. Full of obnoxious dialogue, characters and stereotypes. Sometimes I can watch a show like this and appreciate the cheese of it all, but this was painful and not funny at all. I wasn’t a huge fan of Meriwether’s No Strings Attached either, but at least that had some redeeming qualities.

      I would have put in a vomiting GIF above instead of an eye roll.

    • [FYI – you can watch the first episode of the New Girl right now for free on itunes]

      I’ve enjoyed Zooey in films like All the Real Girls, Elf, and (500)Days of Summer. But I thought the New Girl basically turned her into a bad self-caricature instead of the lovable nerd she could be.

      And it’s totally not her fault; overall, the pilot was terrible. Full of obnoxious dialogue, characters and stereotypes. Sometimes I can watch a show like this and appreciate the cheese of it all, but this was painful and not funny at all. I wasn’t a huge fan of Meriwether’s No Strings Attached either, but at least that had some redeeming qualities.

      I would have put in a vomiting GIF above instead of an eye roll.

  19. First of all, there should be a government grant awarded for the study of Dispensing Judgement via GIFs, and it should go to Riese.
    Second, re: 2br0kegri11z. (i wanna put that in glitter grafx so bad.)
    ….I don’t understand, Kat Dennings…I just don’t understand why…you’re a *good* actress…you don’t have to be in *bad* shows…Why? WHY?!?

    • I watched the preview of two broke girls,(and yes, I am refusing to comply with the spelling)I really wish I hadn’t. That was just…bad. Painfully bad. Howthefuckdidthisevergetputonanynetworkevah bad.

      It makes me rethink my assumption that I’m not talented enough to write for a tv show.

  21. The title sequence of The New Girl was the most cloying thing I have seen since flipping through Gwyneth Paltrow’s cook book.

    The show had some laughs, mostly in the first few minutes, but the schtick got old fast. She wouldn’t stop singing. Not songs, just sentences. And the repeating of her name was for no one’s benefit. And the jovial doucheyness of (at least) one of the guys became painful by the end.

    It also failed the Bechdel Test.

    I’ll give it a couple more episodes, but I’m not too hopeful.

    I AM massively psyched for Ringer, though. And Pan Am. Also, the return of Fringe, Community, Parks and Rec and 30 Rock… maybegleetoo.

  22. i’m so disappointed by 2 broke girls, because i adore kat dennings but… yeah, nope. i’m looking forward to the playboy club and up all night, though. and i wish i were into crime shows because prime suspect looks pretty great. but really, i’m just waiting for parks & rec to come back.

    • I agree…meh. I’m just waiting for The Good Wife, Harry’s Law, Private Practice. Don’t know when The Big C will return, but I love it, and patiently waiting for Nurse Jackie to be back…2012…boo hoo.

  25. Love the list adn the GIFs. And it’s a bummer that almost every review I’ve read on “New Girl” has been bad. Zooey Deschanel is capable of better.

    But, you gotta squeeze The Good Wife and Dexter somewhere into those Sunday slots.

    9pm – The Good Wife
    10pm – Pan Am
    11pm – Dexter (the later rebroadcast)

  26. RINGERRRR

    obvs i have printed and laminated (with clear packing tape) that amazing tv guide, with channel #s written in the margin because i haven’t memorized my cable lineup yet.

  28. 2 Broke Girls makes me sad insidie because I naturally want to immediately watch something that has Kat Dennings in it.

    That said, it looks like there are a few other shows I’ll be trying out on top of the usuals.

    People still watch the Office?

  29. Some thoughts:

    1.) I just noticed that Christina Applegate looks like grown-up Dianna Agron.
    2.) I thought about watching “2 Broke Girls” for 2 other girls on the show (read: Kat Dennings’ boobs)
    3.) [Oprah voice] LAUURAAAAA BENAAAAAANTIIIIII! [/Oprah voice]
    4.) “This show would be better if they replaced the Kardashians with like, Sadie Doyle and Tracie from Jezebel.” SOMEONE MAKE THIS HAPPEN.
    5.) Girl from “Suburgatory” (ugh, I felt like such a dick typing that) looks like a knock-off Emma Stone, and that’s CLEARLY what they’re going for. Guys, “Emma Stone” is a TYPE now.

    Also, you forgot “Finn Hudson (L)” in that bit about “Glee.”

  30. Okay, not going to lie, the 2 broke girls show only interests me for the hilarity factor of ONE OF THE CHARACTERS BEING NAMED AFTER CAROL CHANNING.

  35. Can anyone tell me who the ‘verdict’ guy is in the photo for the secret circle? ’cause I swear he looks EXACTLY like my girlfriend’s dad :-s

  36. I love Santana & Brittany <3
    I just do.
    And I love when they sang "Landslide".

    Is Pretty Little Liars worth watching?

  39. Oh whatever New Girl may look terribly over the top and perfectly gaudy but I’m going to loff every moment of it. Yes, loff.

  40. Looking forward to Grimm and Ringer. I will also be watching The Secret Circle while eating popcorn with an expression of evil glee.

    These GIFs are amazing.

  41. OH.MYGOD. I am in the UK, and we got Helen Mirren in Prime Suspect- the woman played the Queen, for fucks sake. Instead, you get ‘Piedmont, North Dakota’ from Coyote Ugly???

    DAMN YOU AMERICA!

    On the flip side, thank you internet. Because I’ll be damned if I’m not watching Piedmont North Dakota every week…

  42. I will have to give 2 broke girls a try just because Molly McAleer is one of my favorite writers…..I am so hoping the show is better than it looks!

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