Soooooo … Prop 8 was upheld. That was neat. What do we do now?

In the hours and days following the court’s decision on Prop 8, many pundits, politicians and writers started talking about where we go from here. Do we try again in 2010 or 2012? Should we dump gay marriage as a cause and focus on universal health care and better adoption laws? Do we re-think our approach, supporting only organizations, businesses and political leaders who actively support our values? Perhaps we should concentrate on earning rights for all unmarried people? Do we take it to the streets?

So we decided to talk about what we think should happen next — and what needs to happen for Prop 8 to be overturned with the ultimate goal of equal rights for all. What’s holding us back, what can we do, what other things need to happen in America for our laws to change?

Autostraddle Roundtable:
What Now, Gays?

CARLY:

There’s SO MANY THINGS that need to be changed/fixed/improved, so while I do feel that “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” should just go away already, I’m gonna actually write about something else I feel very strongly about—the separation of church and state!

Disclaimer: I am not an expert, nor did I do any research to accompany the following paragraphs.

Back in middle school & high school, we’d read about all the great lengths our forefathers went to to ensure a strict separation between church & state and blah blah blah but we all know what that really means. We’re “one nation, under God,” so obvs this church/state thing was problematic from the start.

And since we don’t have time machines (I wish!) and can’t go back and try to explain to the old white dudes in the powder wigs about abortion and gay rights and all that good stuff, we have to figure out how to make it work now.

What each couple does with their civil union license is their choice. They could get “married” at their church or synagogue! They could have a small party for their friends and family! Or they could do NOTHING at ALL! It’s entirely up to them based on their families and beliefs. Done and done.

Unfortunately, I don’t think there will come a day in the US where we will have an actual separation of church and state, I think it’s (unfortunately, in my opinion) too much a part of what we are. And when I say “we,” let me be clear: it’s a “we” that I don’t feel as though I’m really a part of. Maybe it’s because I don’t agree with war, maybe it’s because I fully support an individual’s right to choose what is best for them, maybe it’s because I don’t currently have equal rights under the law. But I live here and I’m a citizen and I’m not planning on revolting or leaving any time soon. But there are certain things that the federal government can do to ensure that things get on a better path.

Don’t try to change the definition of marriage—remove it from all government and legal documentation and jurisdiction from here on out. The term “marriage” is causing far more bad than good and besides, it’s an outmoded patriarchal institution that is rooted in misogyny and other terrible things. States should be giving out civil union licenses, not marriage licenses. And we already know what a civil union is—same thing as “marriage” but without the name (in most instances). So just get rid of the name. Then, any consenting couple can go get a civil union license, which grants them all of the rights and privileges as married couples are granted now, just with a different name. Then, what each couple decides to do with that is their choice. They could get “married” at their church or synagogue! They could have a small party for their friends and family! Or they could do NOTHING at ALL! It’s entirely up to them and their families and beliefs. Done and done.

Certainly, in my personal idea of a Utopian society, there’s very little organized religion and the government leaves its citizens alone, but obviously that’s not happening any time soon. If we are able to remove religiously-based terms and institutions from federal and state government, though, I think that it will lead to bigger and better things over time.

ALEX:

In my humble roundtable opinion, there’s nothing more effective and important in our everyday little gay/bisexual lives than being 100% honest about who we are to ourselves and to others around us.

Note: I didn’t use the term “come out” in that sentence. Not to get annoyingly specific about my own situation, but I never “came out” to family and friends because it just wasn’t for me. I felt it would perpetuate categories with them. I’ve only “come out” strategically in conversation with strangers.

Example: In a conversation with a few friends and acquaintances, one in particular felt it appropriate to throw around gay slurs and “faggot” and misogynistic language as well (cause they usually go together, right?)

Agree with how hot the waitress is when the guy next to you does. Proclaim your love for Jennifer Beals to your friends when they’re all hetero-crazy over Zac Efron (he’s totes cute, so you can agree with them too!)

So my interjection was “Um hey! Did you know I’m gay?” and I think it threw him off a bit. So he says“Yeah!” and I continue with “So is there a problem with that?” “No. Not at all.” That’s all it took, really. He started back-tracking. Even if this guy’s behavior or general opinion hadn’t changed at that moment, the seed had been planted. He saw that it wasn’t safe to use those words after all, that his opinion wasn’t universally respected by those around him.

I don’t think many people (or friends/acquaintances/strangers) want to offend us right to our faces.

The thing is, if this gentleman’s language was racist, you know he wouldn’t dare talk like that in front a black dude. It’s scary that we have to let ourselves be known because it’s not always written on our foreheads. But I’m telling you, for yourself and for the rest of us – it’s totally worth it. It’s all that we CAN do right now.

And this stuff doesn’t always have to be confrontational! Agree with how hot the waitress is when the guy next to you does. Proclaim your love for Jennifer Beals to your friends when they’re all hetero-crazy over Zac Efron (he’s totes cute, so you can agree with them too!)

You’re a girl. You like girls (and maybe even boys sometimes too.) It’s as simple as that and there isn’t a damn thing wrong with it. Own it, girl.

“If a bullet should enter my brain, let that bullet destroy every closet door.”
(Harvey Milk)

RIESE:

Yes! Now I can talk about my favorite topic, Symbolic Annihilation, or the “absence of representation in the media.” Sociologist Tuchman divided the concept into three aspects: omission, trivialization and condemnation. In 1991, Larry Gross’s essay “Out of the Mainstream: Sexual Minorities and the Mass Media,” applied this specifically to gay people: “The gender system is supported by the mass media treatment of sexual minorities. They are ignored or denied – symbolically annihilated … of all social groups (except perhaps communists) we are probably the least permitted to speak for ourselves in the mass media.”

Furthermore, “representation in the mediated ‘reality’ of our mass culture is in itself power … when groups or perspectives do attain visibility, the manner of that representation will itself reflect the biases and interests of those elites who define the public agenda.”

There are a lot of people who will never respond to our anger, our rallies, or even to our straightforward pleas for empathy & understanding—the only way to reach many of these people is through media visibility and responsible representation.

The sad truth is most people are ignorant and don’t pay much attention to political nuance, or to questioning indoctrinated religious ideals and right-wing propaganda. Furthermore, I suspect a lot more stalwart hearts & minds were changed by Portia being on Ellen than by any PSA or rally.

There are a lot of people who will never respond to our anger, our rallies, or even to our straightforward pleas for empathy & understanding—the only way to reach many of these people is through media visibility and responsible representation.

This doesn’t have to be a compromise, because I don’t think there’s anything about our stories or our art that’s inherently distasteful to anyone, or inherently “fringe,” and I think it’s possible we can tell our stories honestly and be heard on a mass level without sacrificing our queer sensibility or community solidarity. Outsider voices are always where the interesting and exciting stuff is happening anyhow.

We need to be seen and it needs to be GOOD. TV shows, movies and also in the news—people need to know stories like this one are happening. As lesbians this is particularly important—and difficult—we struggle against sexism and homophobia and the patriarchy, and many of us also must contend with racism. Gay men are further along than we are w/r/t media visibility, I think, and part of that is ‘cause men are conditioned socially to believe they are worthy and powerful, and that’s how despite our society’s aversion to the perceived threat on masculinity posed by homosexual men, when it comes to business deals and big media, they’ve still been able to get things like Will&Grace and we got um … um. A few eps of The O.C.?

We’re worth it, we must believe that we are worth it. We must fight hard for the social and cultural capital that will get us into the political arena, we must never give up on that.

When people feel they are seen, or feel they have allies or women they can relate to, they will feel more comfortable coming out to their families and friends. Then change will really begin. We will turn far-away faces into human face-to-face faces!

“An oppositional strategy is the subversion and appropriation of mainstream media, as well as the occasionally successful infiltration … the ultimate expression of independence for a minority audience struggling to free itself from the dominant culture’s hegemony is to become the creators and not merely the consumers of media images.”

(Larry Gross)

NATALIE:

So, the question: What is the biggest thing that needs to change in order the LGBTQ community to achieve equality, including in marriage??

Eeeeeks! I am going to talk a bit crazy now, a bit broad and abstract-y. Bear with me. An overhaul/realignment of the “value” system in the US is necessary. There is an urgent need to stop(!) policing sex, proscribing gender, and regulating sexuality; we need to delink religion and policy; our policies should be based on equality, respect for diversity/differing realities and experiences.

Hey parents, grandparents: stop teaching hate and discrimination. Let people be…people. Full and whole. Teach love and acceptance, even if you disagree or dislike.

A changing of public sentiment toward gender and sex must happen. How? This is the question. I suppose the answer lies somewhere in the realms of education, media, visibility, and representation.

I think education and media are key: this is how minds change. The older generations can play a huge role, too.

Hey parents, grandparents: stop teaching hate and discrimination. Let people be…people. Full and whole. Teach love and acceptance, even if you disagree or dislike. It is not your place to police others’ lives (this is what Jesus would want, I am sure of it …in fact, I am sure that religion, by definition, preaches the “be nice, don’t judge” doctrine. No? Also, trust in younger generations is important-we all have things to learn from one another.

So, the big picture: shifting public perception. Also, though, I imagine specific interventions are useful: securing the right to marry, removing “the don’t ask don’t tell” policy, teaching sex education in schools from a non-heteronormative stance…

It is here that Obama and US government representatives need to step the FUCK up!

CRYSTAL:

I don’t want to appear like an ungrateful Gen Y-er, but I think my country (Australia) would be closer to achieving equality if younger people were able to take on more prominent positions in the parliament and the media.

My country is still being run by Baby Boomers who are set in their conservative ways, and said ways do not favour unicorn concepts like gay rights…

My country is still being run by Baby Boomers who are set in their conservative ways, and said ways do not favour unicorn concepts like gay rights or same-sex marriage or civil unions etc. So I guess Gen X needs to start rising up and creating change, ‘cause it’s my belief that the public would be open to it. In saying this, Australia has a habit of blindly following the USA’s footsteps and so the more cynical side of me sometimes feels like we won’t see equality until it is achieved in the USA first. But we’ll see. My country often surprises me and I hope it keeps doing so in all of the good ways.

BROOKE:

One of the most important issues facing our community right now is a perceived lack of financial capital. Money talks. Until queer women are viewed by others (as well as themselves) as having a sizable pocketbook, we will never be able to leverage ourselves into having and maintaining a strong voice in the social, political or cultural arenas.

ROBIN:

Knowledge is power! Sex education is extremely undervalued and under taught in this country and I think a change in how we approach gender and sexuality, both in our schools and in our homes, would make a huge difference in helping children grow up to become self-aware and progressive adults. My opinion on this topic is based on my own experiences with sex education, or lack thereof.

First off, my family was never comfortable talking about sex. I didn’t learn anything about sexuality or my body at home aside from the basic idea that in order to create a biological human baby, a man must insert a certain unspeakable appendage into a woman’s body (but only in the context of a loving, sound, “heteronormal” marriage). This scenario sounded so awful that it served as decent birth control for me from ages 8-12. After that, I was left to my own devices.

In middle school I underwent the classic coming-of-age sex ed experience: boys and girls were divided into separate classrooms to clinically discuss how babies are made and the sessions focused mainly on a vague chart of male sex anatomy. I assume the school felt a young woman didn’t need to learn anything about her own body, that instead our learning should focus on the greatest of all human feats—baby-making (again, only between a man & his wife)—and then we should be able to figure out the rest. Oddly enough, the gym teacher was our lecturer and I’m pretty sure she was a gay lady.

In high school “sex ed,” we were told to walk around the classroom and write down the names of five classmates of the opposite sex. After I’d finished asking five boys how to spell their last names and was waiting, confused, for the point of this exercise, the teacher explained that writing down these names represented that we had had sexual relations with these people. As if that wasn’t disturbing enough, we were informed it’s ‘cause we didn’t use protection and one person in the class had AIDS and now we all had it! Then the bell rang and it was time for Social Studies.

As if that wasn’t disturbing enough, we were informed it’s ‘cause we didn’t use protection and one person in the class had AIDS and now we all had it! Then the bell rang and it was time for Social Studies.

I walked out of there with so many questions—What the heck is AIDS? What protection is available? What if you’re GAY?!!? How do gay people use protection?— and looking back now at the sex ed I was getting while going through puberty and entering adulthood I feel almost physically ill. Isn’t there a better way of informing students about HIV/AIDS and teaching them about a healthy sexual life? I was confused and unaware of my sexuality until about age 22, when I started figuring it out. That was six years ago.

My public high school required all seniors to take a class called “Family Living,” though all anyone seems to remember from it is that my friend Kim had to get married. Luckily I missed out on the underage heterosexual wedding planning fun ‘cause I was learning about “Modesty” in a sex-seperated classroom at a Christian boarding school in St.Louis, MO.

Anyhow, you’d think a Northern New Jersey public high school would be more progressive by now, but they still offer it (wording slightly changed):

“Family Living is a one marking period unit stressing analysis of contemporary and traditional attitudes and values as they relate to family life. The emphasis of this course is placed on masculine and feminine roles, the nuclear family, lifestyles and marriage law.”

The lack of sex ed not only contributes to problems like teen pregnancy and STDs, but also does damage to the LGBT community. Children can’t develop self-awareness or understand their sexuality/gender identity while constantly being taught to ignore your urges, set aside your questions and slap on a smile & a wedding dress. Teaching “gender roles” is damaging and not teaching children about all the glorious forms of sexuality is even more dangerous. Kids need to know that they’re not alone—that they’re okay, normal and beautiful no matter how they identify. If they felt comfortable with themselves, they would be able to be themselves at school and with their families.

World thought on the LGBT community would change a great deal if previously homophobic kids (of course this is a LEARNED behavior from homophobic parents/friends/teachers) were taught about love and sexuality in the same breath. If these kids were taught about a healthy way to explore their own sexuality and given a platform to be able to ask any questions they please, they’d come home and say “well, my teacher taught us today about LGBT issues and here are the facts…”

I believe strongly that homophobia is more easily changed in the hearts of the young and progressive. As time goes on and correct and proper education prevails over wacky religious rhetoric, children will grow up in a world where they will be impressively self-aware. They will teach their parents and bosses and friends about sexuality, gender and true equality. I already see it happening.

TINKERBELL:

Hello Homosexuals, it is Tinkerbell. As a dog I do not have many rights, for example I cannot join the army, vote, or smoke the ganja. I also have special privileges like I do not have to work, also my love for Littlefoot my boyfriend and for Kelly Clarkson. What I do not enjoy is people saying a woman marrying a woman will lead to a woman marrying a dog. I do not want to marry a woman. I am very little and she would crush my bones. Humans have human laws and dogs have dog laws, human laws should be equal for all humans and they can be equal for all humans without involving dogs. What is wrong with you people. Love Tinkerbell.

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