Autostraddle Roundtable:
Our Fantasy Gay Mommies
This week’s Autostraddle Roundtable is a little less debate and a little more fantasy. Ostensibly we’re reacting to this somewhat bizarre Parentdish survey currently making the world wide webrounds which found that Ellen DeGeneres and Portia De Rossi are the celebs you’d trust your kids with most. We thought it’d be funny to think about who we’d want for our two celebrity Moms, if we could choose. It’s totes not about the marriage between the women, but about the gifts potentially bestowed upon us from each lady. Not everyone on the team understood the rules, but that’s okay because we’re No Rules, Just Right, obvs! Who would you pick? Let us know!
Riese:
I always wanted one of those detached hippie Moms from books & teevee, the kind of Moms who’d turn a blind eye as their innocent daughters became alcoholics and hosted wild parties in the basement with drugs. My Mom said I was lucky to have her as my mother because instead of letting me run wild in fields of poppies with opium in my hair, she kept vigilant watch over my whereabouts and didn’t even let me shut my door. So my 13-year-old self probs would’ve chosen Moon Unit Zappa’s parental units, but now I’m more interested in someone who will love and nurture me.
Clearly—and I’m not just saying this ‘cause she’s gay—Kelli O’Donnell is the best Mom ever. She’s on top of her shit, looks cute even in polos and khaki shorts, and can organize an outing like nobody’s business. Since Green took her wife Rosie for herself, I will choose Jennifer Beals for my Other Mother. I’ve recently exhorted the supreme qualities of Jennifer Beals—she is perfect. Furthermore, she’s artistic and enjoys running around. Also I want to honk the horn!
Robin:
I’d like one of my gay moms to be Kate Clinton. She’s hilarious and I love her.
One time a friend of mine told me about this dream she had where my mom was Madonna. I like that idea. And although Madonna isn’t a lesbian necessarily, she’s pretty gay. So I guess maybe my other mom could be Madonna. Plus, if its true that you end up looking like your mom, count me the f@#$#k in.
If I was 15, I’d say Ellen and Portia. But Portia is pretty hot, so I think that’d get weird.
Alex:
Lucille Ball, cause she’s my hero – what else can I say? (Obviously by ‘Lucille Ball’ I mean Lucy Ricardo.) I could learn a lot of valuable lessons from this woman, like how to push people’s buttons or trick people into doing things only I want to do.
If Queen Latifah were my other mom, I’d imagine her being all ‘Matron Mama Morton’ from Chicago on me. I don’t know, I like the idea of Latifah breaking out into song and dance at the drop of a hat (…or a Taye Diggs introduction.) Also, this would make me half black.
Natalie:
My choice of mothers? Hmmmm. Tricky, tricky. I think I will go with Liz Lemon and Claire Huxtable. I love Liz because she loves cheese and knows that – more often than not – life is a big ball of blergh. She also went to the container store to make her life wonderful; I would do that (I DO do that). Claire was a kick ass lawyer, an icon of serenity, elegance, silliness and strength. I used to pretend I was Theo. Claire and Tina are both sassy and witty and tough…also warm and there-for-you-when-you-need-them-to-be types. Both ladies keep it real; they are 3 dimensional, full women. Feminists in the fullest sense. Enough said.
Moooo!
Crystal:
I’d pick Jane Lynch and Chrissie Hynde. I think both women are amazing, I have a lot of respect for them and feel like I’d learn a thing or two if I was their daughter. I think Chrissie would bring the crazy / dysfunction that I am accustomed to, while the Lynch would keep everyone in check, she sort of gives off a motherly vibe. Plus, as a couple I think they’d be totally endearing.
Green:
This topic made me weirdly sad, because I really just want my own mother. However, after thinking it through, I decided I’d want Julia Sugarbaker and Rosie O’Donnell. See, Julia would teach me how to be a proper Southern Lady who doesn’t take crap from anyone, wins at everything and knows how to buy shoes. And Mama Ro would give me big hugs and let me paint the dining room chairs on a Tuesday night. I’m not so sure they’d make a very good couple [and it pains me to separate Rosie from Kelly], but, without my own mom, these are the women I’d need to survive.
Stef:
OK truthfully, I wouldn’t want any mother other than the one I was born to, who is a total inspiration to me every day (hi Mom!). Howevs, my mom won a free vacation to the Dominican Republic and is gone this Mothers’ Day, which frees me of all daughterly responsibility! If I had to choose two gay moms… well, I gave it a lot of thought, and I’m gonna go with an already established team – Kate Pierson and Cindy Wilson from the B-52’s. I seriously can’t imagine a better creative environment to grow up in, and I love that they’re still rocking after all these years! I would probs be BORN with awesome hair and makeup, and I really like the idea that Fred Schneider would be my gay dad.
Carly:
I have to be honest here, I think the only mom I’d ever want is my own mom. She’s really amazing and wonderful and the best mom a girl like me could ask for (she even reads this site! Hi Mom!). That being said, my fake lesbo moms would have to possess a unique combination of femininity and masculinity, so to that end I am obviously the love child of RuPaul and Jane Lynch (sorry Crystal, I tried to think of someone else but she’s too perfect).
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“I wanna honk the horn!” Riese, that reference just cracked my shit up.
I love that Jane Lynch was picked twice. I bet she’d give really advice.
That’s “really GOOD advice.” I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
ok, the women on this list are going to love this. done and done!
I’d pick Whoopi Goldberg and Debbie Harry. Obv Debbie Harry for the ‘whack factor’ and music-ness. Whoopi Goldberg for the talent and advice and the ‘mom vibe’.
As for the real lesbians I’d go for Ellen (I know, cliché)for her funny-ness and down to earth-ness; and someone more low key to balance it out, like Kaki King because of her talent and her vision on everything and life.
I choose Riese and Hav. I would be funny and hot/cool.
I’d go with J.K. Rowling (omg so nerdy and not even gay) cause she’d write me really fantastical stories and would read them to me in a little British accent. And what kid doesn’t like to be read stories written just for them? Wait, I’m not a kid, what? And try as I might, there is no better other option than Jane Lynch. There just really isn’t. I mean, have you seen those Healthy Choice commercials?
Ok, first and foremost, I wanted Jane Lynch, dammit.
And secondly… I simply cannot seem to narrow it down to just two. My choices may see a little odd (and some very not gay, and maybe also cliche), but here’s the finalists for my two moms:
Michelle Obama (during the future, post-First Lady era)
Courtney Cox-Arquette (fertility issues win me over due to empathy)
Jenny McCarthy (I used to not be able to stand her, but you know she’s actually funny and props for her dedication to her autistic child)
Maggie Gyllenhaal (very much a “natural”/eco-friendly mom)
But… I must admit, I am able to choose for sure one person that would definitely get a spot. Betty White. I am beyond obsessed with that lady, and think she would have been a fantastic influence (charity work for animals; sass; intellect; humor; talent; endless awesomeness).
omg Michelle Obama! That’s a good one.
Tina Fey and Mariska Hargitay for sure- just because they seem like great moms in real life and plus if I was Tina Fey’s daughter I’d be credited with coming up with lines for her show, as she often says “I want to go to there” and such came from her own daughter haha
ps- Mariska totally has my babysitting business card in real life. no joke haha long story and surely she lost it by now, but still
Hmmm… I love my mom a whole bunch but, for the sake of this fantasyland, I’d have to pick Jane Lynch (duh) and Kate Winslet. I don’t care if Kate’s totally straight and married, but she seems like she’d be an awesome mom. I would also liked to have inherited a Brit accent from her. And Jane Lynch is just… awesome.
Ellen and Portia would probs be awesome moms, too. Ellen would be super funny and Portia would be awesome to go shoe-shopping with.
If I couldn’t have my own loveable crazy punk rock mommy, I’d have to go with Ellen and The Lynch. I feel like they would be awesome and funny and understanding and nurturing without being overbearing. And I don’t think either of them would have tried to make me wear a dress! (Ok, I did go through a ‘wear a froofy dress every day’ phase when I was 8. But I was… 8. So over that.)
Also Ellen and The Lynch sometimes have the same haircut!
My Mom raised me gender neutral. But I sometimes had to wear dresses for fancy parties and I cried. And fought it off.
Know how I got out of my mom forcing me to wear dresses to church/funerals/dinners/etc.? By not sitting “lady-like”. Of course, I stumbled upon this fantastic idea simply by being lazy as a little girl, and sitting how I was most comfortable – feet on the floor, thighs relaxed allowing my knees to separate. When scolded, I could only concentrate long enough to sit “like a lady” for a few seconds; then, I was back to being comfortable. It only took a couple outings and public scoldings for me to realize I’d hit the jackpot, and she’d likely relent if I seemed unable to sit like a lady, I would be allowed to wear pants.
It worked. And backfired.
All of the “nice” outfits she then purchased for me for years were pantsuits (score!)… with shoulderpads (in the mid-late 90’s). *sigh* Shoulderpads, in a time when it was “sooooo lame” to sport them… and she wouldn’t let me cut them out. I blame having to purposefully drop my shoulders (to not appear as if I had some bangin’, steroid-fueled shoulder muscles) for my poor posture. Mm-hmm.
Neil Gaiman effectively ruined Lucy Ricardo for me in American Gods…… not very motherly, not very motherly at all….
alex, i love your choices.
all of these are so good! I think I would want my two moms to be Nico circa Chelsea Girl and Cyndi Lauper circa Hat Full of Stars. Amazing.
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There are so many lovely fantasy moms. Maura Tierney, Marisa McHugh, Jane Krakowski, Debra Messing, Rachel Shelley, Laurel Holloman. i can go on forever.
For now I pick McHugh and Krakowski. They’re fun but not too fun so they have still time to love you and care for you.
Do think Ilenn Chaiken would be my mom and she could give me the 2.2 million dollar house she has for sale in LA? Nooo – okay, I didn’t meant make you all scream.
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then I pick: Sarah Waern and Tracy Chapman.
Emy Storey and Sara Quin
My fantasy grandparents are Shirley Bassey & Utah Phillips.
i think i would have to go with Tender Forvever (aka Melanie Valera) and Margaret Cho. Tender Forever is a mostly unknown French musician/hot weirdo out of the Olympia music scene signed to K records. From watching videos of her on youtube I’m convinced she is a Michel Gondry character come to life. And she appears to be a pretty uninhibited free-spirit. And Margaret Cho is just an awesome, hilarious, uncooth musician who would totes raise me to believe I’m beautiful. Right?
And I’d be half-French/half-Korean, 100% rad.