Welcome to the eighth episode of American Horror Story, which made me laugh so hard I died and had to be resurrected by Misty Day multiple times, thus greatly lowering the stakes of my personal narrative.

This week’s vocab word is: blurge, a combination of “blerg” and “purge”. This episode is ALL about purging, y’all. It is also all about vagina jokes and hats aka my wheelhouse. This might be my favorite episode so far.

We open in the grim underbelly of New Orleans highway overpasses. Queenie is wandering around the underpass, where she passes rats, hobos, meth camps, and Adam from Girls.

A creepy hobo approaches her with a hammer and an exposed penis, ready to rape it up. Why is everyone so quick to rape on this show? It’s like, their go-to action. Which is bullshit, because we all know the go-to action of all New Orlineans is punching people in the neck for the good Mardi Gras beads. We have some class, gosh!

Luckily, Queenie finds the oldest weapon known to man, a wooden two-by-four with some nails sticking out. She stabs herself in the hand, causing the creepy hobo to bleed, and then whacks him with the stick.

While Queenie beats the shit out of this guy, Madison and Zoe show up like they’re the wonder twins or something. If you are wondering whether they’ll be addressing the zombie threesome they had in the last episode and any lingering ramifications it might have, don’t worry, they won’t!

I would like to point out that Madison is wearing a sequined beret in this scene. These girls love their hats.

They ask Queenie why she’s murdering the hobo, and Queenie says it’s a voodoo thing and they wouldn’t understand. They try to get her back to the coven, but she tells them to fuck off, she’s sitting at Marie Laveau’s table in the cafeteria now.

Madison is all, boo fucking hoo, I was gang-raped, got my throat slit by Fiona, and had to attend dead tea parties with Spalding and you don’t see me complaining. Girl has a point.

Zoe rightfully says that the coven is a shit show, but they’ve got big plans. A new Supreme is rising, their powers are aligning, and they might be getting a pool in the backyard.

Queenie then guts the hobo like a catfish and pulls out his still beating heart. Apparently Marie needs a dark heart (racist?) for a voodoo ritual to charge up Queenie’s powers.

Madison and Zoe look all horrified and above harvesting hobo hearts, which is ridiculous because they regularly stitch rapists into duvet covers and sell them on Etsy. White girls, am I right?

We then hop on our broomsticks and wiggle our noses and fly over to Miss Robichaux’s Hospital for the Magically Infirm, where Fiona is puking from her chemo treatments. This is terrible and all, but she’s eating a soft-boiled egg. Hmm. Maybe stick to crackers is all I’m saying.

Fiona is having a really rough time with the treatments, but she’s more upset about the way she looks than the actual dying. She says she’s looking less like Samantha and more like Endora, which, LOL Bewitched jokes!

She tells Cordelia she’s dying, and Cordelia hopes she’ll die before Thanksgiving because her stuffing tastes like ass. This isn’t a joke, she actually says this. Blind Cordelia has so much moxie.

Luckily, she still has Axeman, and creepy obsessive love is the best medicine. Also, Fiona is still smoking like a chimney, which is not the best idea. Axeman wants them to run away to Europe and enjoy her last month paddling boats on the Seine, stealing the crown jewels from London, and smoking all the hash in Marrakesh.

Fiona declines, as she would rather stay in New Orleans and stick it to all the haters. And she also wants to find the new Supreme and kill her. Business as usual.

Hey, remember Shirtless Luke and his creepy mother Patti LuPone? Well, they’re on payroll this week, so we get to see Patti cleaning his wounds from that Halloween zombie attack that happened two days/five weeks/four score and seven years ago. I am so lost on the timeline of this show.

Patti tells Luke he’s been tainted, not just with zombie juice, but with the Devil. And that guy is harder to remove than red wine stains. Before Jesus will let Shirtless on the rapture bus, he has to be cleaned of his impurities.

Sidebar, throughout this scene Luke has been calling Patti “mother.” Is there anything more off-putting than a grown man calling his mom mother to her face? Creepy. Almost as creepy as creepy as grown women calling their fathers “daddy.” Blurge!

Patti then forces her son to have an enema. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK, SHOW?!

I feel like this season’s theme, aside from witches, is horribly abusive and invasive mothers. These moms make Joan Crawford look like Carol Brady.

Meanwhile, back at Miss Robichaux’s Rehab Center for Hat Addiction, Cordelia has summoned Madison, Zoe and Nan for a meeting. She’s sorry they’ve lost Queenie, but she’s dead to them now. Blind Cordelia is cold blooded!

Cordelia has gathered them to plan Fiona’s murder, which needs to go flawlessly. Because if not… she’ll just die naturally from cancer? What’s the rush? The doorbell rings, and Cordelia wonders where all the staff is. Zoe, in no rush to tell Cordelia she murdered Spalding, goes to answer the door. Who’s at the door?!?

It’s Misty Day! She is barefoot and scared, because some douche came to her swamp shack and tried to shoot her up.

Luckily, resurrected Myrtle got stepped on by the killer and was able to warn her just in time and they hid in the swamp.

Cordelia touches Misty and sees a really cool morph of her burn and resurrection.

It’s kind of like this:

Look, it’s baby Tyra!

Cordelia recognizes Misty and offers her asylum in the coven.

Misty asks if her friend can stay too, and Cordelia is delighted to find Myrtle alive in the green house. Myrtle is happy to see her, but the first thing out of her mouth is a blind dig. She calls Cordelia blind as a butter knife… really, Myrtle? First off, that’s not even a phrase. Second, why is everyone on this show making blind jokes at Cordelia’s expense? That’s recapper turf!

Nan asks Myrtle how her hair grew back so quickly, and Myrtle tells her she’s been buying in bulk from North Korea for years. Wait, what? Let’s map this shit out:

Imagined conversation between Misty and Myrtle on the way to Miss Robichaux’s:

MISTY: OMG Myrtle, someone just tried to shotgun our asses!
MYRTLE: Indeed my dear, it seems that witches are an endangered species. We must seek shelter somewhere safe.
MISTY: I know! We’ll go to that crazy witch school, it’s safer than my shot-up shack, only 50 people have died there!
MYRTLE: Ah yes, I know it well. But first we must stop at my hotel room, so that I can pick up my bulk bag of fried hair shipped directly from North Korea.
MISTY: Wait, you’ve been importing hair from Kim Jong-Un? Isn’t that illegal?
MYRTLE: Not for us witches, we do not abide by these mortal trade laws.
MISTY: Look, I know all about trade embargoes. I watched Star Wars Episodes 1-3. But that sounds really expensive, especially for long frizzy pubic hair.
MYRTLE: But my child, it is how I derive my witchly powers.

END SCENE.

Cordelia tells Myrtle the coven has fallen on hard times, as if she wasn’t just burnt at the stake by said coven, Myrtle responds that maybe it’s the best of times. Whatever you say, Crepe Paper Charles Dickens! Myrtle announces that Misty is obviously the new Supreme, but not everyone looks so sure.

Meanwhile, Zoe gives FrankenKyle a Reader Rabbit in the hopes that he’ll learn to communicate.

Madison comes in, kisses FrankenKyle, and suggests they give him porn instead. Zoe wants to better FrankenKyle however, and reintegrate him into society, where he will definitely not be reviled and chased with pitchforks into the Mississippi river. They agree he needs something to do while they’re killing Fiona, so they plug in his Lady Gaga headphones and leave him with the laptop. Hope that thing has parental controls.

Back in the parlor, Myrtle is outfitting everyone with musty old red robes and black lacey hats, because matching outfits are the best part of any ritual. She says that moth balls and history are a cocktail she swoons for, because apparently Myrtle has been reincarnated as a Tenessee Williams character.

The coven is about to perform a ritual (witchual?) called the Sacred Taking, wherein they convince the aging Supreme to kill herself to make way for the rising Supreme. It’s only been done three times before, all of which were done in black and white apparently.

Zoe is bummed that she’s not the next Supreme, which Madison notices. Nan is annoyed that no one ever considered her for the next Supreme, while Myrtle is like, obvs it’s Misty, she’s resurrected more people than Jesus. She actually says this.

Myrtle tells them that being a Supreme isn’t all sexy times and parlor tricks. It’s a burden, and Supremes had unhappy lives, carrying the weight of the coven on their shoulders. Misty is like PASS, but they remind her that it’s not a choice. She was born this way… as a Supreme. Maybe.

Myrtle tells the story of the first Sacred Taking, which happened during the Salem Witch Trials. The coven decided to flee to the South, a part of America known for tolerance and acceptance. Because the Supreme at the time was too old to travel, she killed herself.

And then I spit out my water because Myrtle says the following:

“Can you imagine those witches traveling down here in covered wagons without charcuterie platters or a bidet! Absolutely savage!”

BRB LOLING FOREVER! Apparently the witches’ journey to New Orleans was just like the Oregon Trail, only with less fiber and more smelly vaginas! This fucking show, you guys. This. Fucking. Show.

Basically, the big plan is to convince Fiona to kill herself via magic suicide peer pressure. Fiona, who is puking in the toilet, comes out of her bathroom to find Madison dancing around in a red dress.

Madison pretends she resurrected herself and she’s the new Supreme, and she makes plans to move into Fiona’s room/wear her clothes/fuck in her bed. She tells Fiona that tomorrow she’ll be burnt at the stake… unless she OD’s on all her sleeping pills. It’s up to Fiona to choose her fate.

Fiona is reeling from the news when Myrtle shows up. Fiona tries to pack a bag to go off and die on an island with Axeman (which maybe just let her do so she’ll be out of your way?) but Myrtle tells her that he’ll leave her in the end. Sure, he’s stuck around since birth and is obsessed with her, I’m sure he’ll peace out any minute now.

Fiona calls Myrtle an envious old bitch who obviously never had an axeman of her own. But despite this, we see a flash forward/dream where Fiona is bald and dying and the Axeman ditches her.

Meanwhile, all the witches are waiting on the staircase to see how Madison did. Nan is still pissed no one sees her Supreme potential, and storms out of the school. She walks out, past Hank sitting in a car with a gun, and goes to Luke’s house. She opens his front door with her mind (she can do that?) and finds Luke tied up in the closet. BTW, while passing Hank, she can’t hear his murder thoughts? Continuity fail?

Meanwhile, Fiona needs Myrtle to hold the mirror while she prepares to leave behind a fierce corpse. She’s got her hair wrapped, she’s putting on make-up, and reminiscing about Woodstock. She talks about a wild six months, which is weird because Woodstock took place over a weekend, right? (I asked my mom because she went to Woodstock, but all she could remember was the mud and the drugs. Baby boomer parents, am I right?)

Fiona could feel regret over living life to the fullest, but she’s simply out of fucks to give. She puts on her finest fur and heels and gets ready to die like a star.

Fiona asks Myrtle to hang her Supreme portrait in the parlor, not in the basement alongside that disgraced Russian Supreme, whose flashback I CANNOT WAIT to see. In a classy final move, Myrtle steals Fiona’s jewelry and leaves her to die.

And that’s how Fiona Goode died. JK, no one dies on this show ever, it’s just like True Blood. The ghost of Spalding appears bearing a bottle of ipecac and tells her to snap the fuck out of it.

Turns out that Ghost Spalding can talk with his ghost tongue, and he uses it to tell Fiona about the witches’ charade to kill her. Fiona says she’s trying to do something decent for the coven, but he calls her out on that martyr act right quick.

While puking up the sleeping pills, Fiona promises to avenge Ghost Spalding’s murder, but first she has to avenge her own almost murder.

Meanwhile down in the Treme, Delphine is still locked in her cage. Queenie brings her a burger, which is nice, what after the betrayal and all.

Delphine wonders what she did to make Queenie betray her (other than all the racist murder/torture/shit sandwich buffet hijinks) and asks Queenie if it was the pot pie. Queenie obviously feels bad about imprisoning her bestie, but before she can do anything, Marie Laveau shows up and tells her to stop feeding the animals.

Marie taunts Delphine, who unwisely calls her a negress. WRONG MOVE Delphine! Delphine tells her she isn’t afraid, and she can’t die so what’s the worst they can do? She also says they may as well stick her back in a coffin, as she’s not interested in living in a world with a black president. Marie takes out a giant knife, and shows Delphine that she can make her life pretty shitty by cutting off her hand.

Goodbye Delphine’s hand! Maybe Madison and Zoe can re-attach that thing or replace it with a rapist hand.

Meanwhile at Jesus’s Enema Emporium, Luke and Nan try to escape with their buttholes still intact. Nan even gets a kiss in, but Patti stops them. She’s called the cops, and she’s gonna shut their love story down right quick. Before she can whip up another batch of butt cleanse, a sniper shoots and kills her. Luke dives in front of a bullet to save Nan and gets shot as well.

Back at Miss Robichaux’s Repertory Suicide Theatre, Myrtle plays the piano while they all wait for Fiona to die and Misty to level up her Supreme powers.

Cordelia tells Misty that her feet should feel warm, while Myrtle assures her it starts with a tingle in the cooch. Oh undead Myrtle, never leave us!

But all Misty feels is diarrhea and anxiety at the thought of becoming the new Supreme. She’s not cut out for leadership, just for twirling to Fleetwood Mac and planting dead people.

Fiona shows up, looking fierce as fuck with a cigarette in hand, and tells them it started with a migraine. The bitch is back!

Fiona wants to meet the swamp witch, but Misty has buggered off across the street to the shooting. EMT workers are taking Luke away, and Nan is going with him in the ambulance. Fiona walks in and meets Misty. She tells Misty to revive Patti, which yay Patti is alive, but also why? It’s not like she’s a friend to the coven.

Zoe leads Cordelia across the street to the house, but on the way Cordelia picks up the bullet and sees the bullet’s life story, because apparently that magic sight thing works on objects now. That must get really annoying every time she flushes the toilet.

Misty revives Patti and passes out, while Cordelia realizes that the shooter was after the witches.

Meanwhile, FrankenKyle has learned all the shapes and colors and can kinda speak now! He hugs Zoe and tells her that their room goes two ways? Now is not the time for bisexual politics, FrankenKyle! JK, it’s always time for bi politics.

He tells Zoe he loves her, and poor Madison hears this from outside the room and gets sad because they were supposed to share him and shit.

The next morning, Cordelia is enjoying a cup of coffee when Fiona joins her. Cordelia assumes she’ll be pissed, what with the whole attempted murder and all, but Fiona is impressed. She’s proud of Cordelia for showing she has moxie/true grit/homicidal tendencies, and she finally has hope for the future of the coven.

Cordelia replies that if she knew the only way to get her mother’s approval was to try to kill her, she’d have attempted it years ago! And then they laugh together likes it’s the end of a sitcom or something!

Now that Fiona is apparently not dying, Cordelia needs her to lead the coven against the witch hunters who are after them. Before they can make any plans, the doorbell rings. Apparently Ghost Spalding is busy with a ghost tea party, so Fiona answers and finds a cardboard box.

Guess what’s inside? Is it a minotaur? Is it an enema? Is it sex toys for Madison and Zoe? Is it the complete collected works of Fleetwood Mac? Is it more fucking hats and head scarves?

NOPE. It’s Delphine’s head. In a box. Croaking for help.

NEXT WEEK: Cordelia gets new eyeballs! Madison gets a fuzzy hat! FrankenKyle gets a Speak n’ Spell!

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