Welcome to the season finale (sob!) of American Horror Story, the show that said fuck you to the traditional cold open and kicked things off with a full tilt Stevie Nicks music video fever dream. It was glorious and it was real and we were all innocent children looking into the face of the immortal goddess.

This week’s vocab word is: BALENCIAGA! This will become clear later in the recap.

As previously mentioned, we open with Stevie Fucking Nicks singing a song called “Seven Wonders,” which blows my fucking mind.

Was this entire season scripted around Fleetwood Mac lyrics? Is this a thing we can do now? If so, stay tuned for the premiere of my unauthorized AHS spinoff The Sign, where I take all the plot points and dialogue from Swedish supergroup Ace of Base!

So anyways, back at Miss Robichaux’s Music Video Backdrop for Famed Songstresses, all the witches are studying for the Seven Wonders while Stevie Fucking Nicks sings and dances in a top hat. Misty works on her spins, Zoe levitates her bed, Madison takes a bubble bath and lights the fireplace with her mind.

Queenie lights a candle for Nan and works on her spells. Stevie Fucking Nicks finishes her song and wishes the four girls good luck on the Seven Wonders.

Also, there’s a cat running around the house. Where did she come from?

That night, Myrtle sets out a feast of caviar and blinis and talks about how Leonardo DaVinci was possibly a warlock. They discuss how it’s a last supper, as everyone will be participating in the Seven Wonders and they may not survive.

Usually the current Supreme identifies the rising Supreme, but since Fiona peaced the fuck out and tried to murder them all, they are allowing all four girls to prove themselves.

Cordelia then quotes Corinthians 13:11, the whole “when I was a child I spoke like a child” thing. Basically, the little twitches are all grown up and must put aside childish fears to kick some ass in the morning.

Morning soon comes, and the Seven Wonders begin. BTW, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that not ONE of these witches has made a Diana Ross Supremes joke. Not once. And they say “Supreme” every five seconds. OPPORTUNITY MISSED.

So the witches start with telekenesis. They each have a lit candle before them, and they must slide the candle across the table and into their hands using only their minds.

FrankenKyle is there to look concerned and buttle, I guess. Misty doubts her abilities, but Cordelia tells her to focus her intentions. Zoom! The candles in her hand! Cordelia reminds them that it’s not about desire: you either are the Supreme or you aren’t, and no amount of wanting will change that.

The rest of the witches are able to move their candlesticks so it’s on to the next wonder!

The witches demonstrate Concilium aka mind control. They face off in pairs; first up is Misty vs. Queenie. Queenie says that no one controls her mind but her… until Misty makes her slap herself in the face.

Misty is having fun until Queenie forces her to pull her own hair. They both pass the test.

Next up is Madison vs. Zoe. Madison forces FrankenKyle to drop a tray of drinks, make out with her, and lick her boot. Kinky. She also makes Zoe slap herself. Kitty got claws!

Zoe breaks Madison’s hold and beckons FrankenKyle over to her and they make out. Madison then forces FrankenKyle to strangle Zoe, and Zoe tosses him across the room yet. Madison wants to know if they’re having fun yet.

Their next test is Descensum, aka field trip to Hell! It’s easy to go to Hell, but apparently it’s very hard to leave. So Hell is a Marshall’s Home Goods? They have until sunrise to return to their bodies, or they die.

Myrtle turns a comically large hourglass and everyone begins to chant.

The witches get transported to their personal hells. For Queenie, this means the Ravenswood fried chicken joint. She’s like, been there, done that, and zaps herself back into her body. Queenie wins!

Madison wakes up from playing Liesel in NBC’s Sound of Music Live! Zing, you just got Murphied, NBC!

Zoe wakes soon after, having been stuck in a loop of FrankenKyle breaking up with her. YAWN.

Misty still hasn’t woken up. We see her nightmare is a middle school science class where she is repeatedly forced to dissect a frog and revive it. Misty is trapped and scared.

Cordelia tries desperately to help Misty and cradles her in her arms, but it’s of no use.

The hourglass runs out and Misty turns to dust like a vampire on BtVS. Cordelia is heartbroken, and I am genuinely bummed too. I was pulling for Misty for Supreme! And I was really pulling for her and Cordelia to hook up, so boo.

That’s one witch down, three to go.

After the witches take a brief break and someone Dysons up Misty, Cordelia suggests they take a moment of silence. Madison doesn’t give a shit, and Queenie calls her a stone cold bitch.

Zoe agrees with Madison; there’s nothing they can do about Misty, so they must soldier on. The next task is Transmutation, aka apparating. Zoe BAMFS behind Madison and leads the girls in a game of BAMF tag, where they zip all over the room tagging each other.

Cordelia and Myrtle tell them to knock it off and return to the test, but like Cyndi Lauper says, girls just wanna have fun! UGH, how good would Lauper be on this show?

It’s all fun and games until Zoe accidently impales herself on the fence. WHOMP WHOMP.

The witches bring Zoe into the potions room and Cordelia tells Queenie to try her hand at Vitalum Vitalis. Queenie tries desperately to breathe life back into Zoe, but it’s not happening. This means that Queenie isn’t the Supreme and that Zoe is dead. TRIPLE WHOMP.

Madison smirks like the cat that got the canary… she’s the last witch standing, which makes her the de facto Supreme. Cordelia tells her that she has to revive Zoe, if only to pass the Vitalis test. Madison refuses, despite being brought back from the dead by Misty and Zoe. Myrtle tells her if she refuses to revive Zoe then she doesn’t deserve to be the Supreme.

To prove her powers, Madison kills a fly and breathes it back to life. So basically, fuck you wonders and fuck you Zoe! Cordelia is pissed at the idea of serving under another cunty Supreme. Madison says they can either crown her or kiss her ass.

Cordelia retreats to the portrait room, feeling like a failure. Madison is going to be a shitty Supreme and there’s nothing she can do about it.

OR IS THERE?

Myrtle tells Cordelia that she has royal blood, and some other stuff about prophets and promises and finally freeing herself from neuroses and Fiona’s expectations. Why doesn’t Cordelia embrace her own power and perform the Seven Wonders herself?

OH SHIT GUYS I DIDN’T SEE THIS COMING!

Cordelia takes on Madison for ultimate Supreme-acy! Madison is pissed because she thought she had the title in the bag, but Queenie is all Team Cordelia. Cordelia demonstrates pyrokenesis by lighting the fireplace, and runs through the previous wonders.

Cordelia even uses her mind control to make Queenie do the Freddie dance from Troop Beverly Hills. Just give this woman a crown already, she is clearly a gift from the heavens!

Cordelia even returns from hell, where she had to endure getting bitch slapped by Fiona. So you know, typical Tuesday. Now she and Madison have completed five wonders each.

Madison and Cordelia move onto the 6th wonder, which is divination. Myrtle has hidden items from former Supremes all over the house, and the witches have to divine the locations of the items using only a handful of pebbles.

Cordelia locates and finds an antique broach easily. Madison tries to read the pebbles but she can’t do it. She throws a hissy fit and refuses. Myrtle fails her. Madison accuses her of rigging the test and calls the school a fucked up version of celebrity rehab. She’s going back to Hollywood where people are normal and she’s calling TMZ on all their magical asses!

Madison storms upstairs, where she plans to call her lawyer, her drug dealer, and Billy Bush. FrankenKyle follows her up there and attacks her for letting Zoe die. He’s like, we both fucking died and were revived, just breathe on Zoe for three seconds, asshole!

Madison tells FrankenKyle that she loves him and did it so they could be together, but FrankenKyle is having none of it and strangles Madison to death. RIP Madison, you were a hilarious bitch and also evil.

Back in the potions room, Cordelia tries to Vitalis Zoe to see if she really is the Supreme. Myrtle and Queenie watch in anticipation.

Back in the bedroom, FrankenKyle sits with Madison’s dead body when someone starts to stroke her dead face with a creepy doll hand. Who could it be?

GHOST SPALDING! He says she’ll be easy to hide since she’s already started packing. FrankenKyle is like, who are you? Ghost Spalding tells him he’s the help.

Cordelia succeeds and Zoe comes back to life! I don’t really care about Zoe, but this means that Cordelia has performed the Seven Wonders and she is the new Supreme! Cordelia passes out from the effort.

Cordelia gets back up, with brand new eyeballs and gorgeous hair and skin! The hallmark of any Supreme is glowing health, which I guess includes functioning eyeballs!

All hail Cordelia, the new Supreme!

We then jump to one month later, where Cordelia has outed the coven to the world and is giving an interview to a reporter. She looks super hot and talks about how women are born as witches, it’s not a choice, we’re coming out of the broom closet!

Cordelia wants women to be proud of their power and invites them all to Miss Robichaux’s as a safe haven and a place to be themselves.

Queenie, FrankenKyle, Myrtle and Zoe watch with pride, and Myrtle tears up.

Cordelia goes through tons of witch applications on her desk when Myrtle joins her. Cordelia is excited about the future of the coven and wants Queenie and Zoe to be on her council, along with Myrtle of course. But Myrtle has to turn her down.

Myrtle tells her that to make way for her bright new future, she can’t have any scandal or favoritism tarnish her reputation. She tells Cordelia that she must be punished for melon balling out the other council members eyeballs, and Cordelia must do the right thing and burn her at the stake…again.

Cordelia doesn’t want to murder her spiritual mother, but Myrtle insists she not be a hypocrite. UGH Myrtle, don’t die, you are the greatest character ever!

Cordelia and witches (and the albino black guys!) march to the old burning stick. Myrtle wears a gorgeous flowing red dress, which shouldn’t work with her red hair but it does bc she is perfection.

Wait, now that the coven has gone public, isn’t this like, murder? Cordelia sentences Myrtle to death and asks if she has any last words. She tells Cordelia she loves her and she’s never been prouder.

And as for her last word? She tilts her head back and screams BALENCIAGA to the heavens. Why the fuck not? RIP Myrtle, we will miss your filthy non sequiters, your fashionable ruminations, and your bitchin’ theremin skills.

The next day, at Miss Robichaux’s Wait Are We Actually a Fucking School Now Academy, there is a line of students around the block. Queenie wonders how they’ll fit them all, but Cordelia has already planned to buy more property.

Queenie and Zoe are on board to help Cordelia…but Cordelia has one last thing she needs to do.

Cordelia goes downstairs to see a wizened, balding Fiona in the parlor room. LIKE THEY WERE GONNA HAVE A FINALE WITHOUT JESSICA LANGE!

Turns out that Fiona was never axe murdered. We flash back to her fight with Axeman and she tells him her dastardly plan: Fiona will go to Paris for a couple of days, just long enough for them to name the next Supreme. Once they do, Fiona will murder them and regain her health!

To convince the coven she’s dead, she sprinkles some goat’s blood on Axeman and magically implants a vision in his mind of axe murdering Fiona. She does this by spitting in his drink, but he’s like, PUT IT IN MY MOUTH. These two are gross.

Fiona’s plans were ruined however, when it turns out that the Supreme is her daughter. She tells Cordelia that she could never really kill anybody (except she killed Madison and Myrtle and like, a million other people). Fiona tells her she’s got only a few hours of life left.

Fiona tells Cordelia that she took her power from the moment she gave birth to her, and that all mothers are faced with their own mortality when they look at their children. I feel like this is actually a beautiful dialogue about the damage and the love that mothers and daughters can inflict on each other. Not just mothers and daughters, but parents and children in general.

We always promise not to make the same mistakes our parents made, but we just end up fucking up our children in our own unique and special ways. Love given isn’t always love received, and vice versa. Cordelia was only able to embrace her Supreme power when she gave up trying to please Fiona.

It’s a nice message, but I kept worrying that Fiona was going to stab Cordelia in the back and run out looking gorgeous.

Cordelia embraces Fiona and tells her that she knows she’s scared. She cries, not just for her mother, but for the version of herself that dies with Fiona.

Fiona asks Cordelia to put her her out of her misery, but Cordelia refuses. She tells Fiona that the only way out is to really feel her pain and fear and let it go through her. As they hug, Fiona goes limp in her arms. RIP Fiona Goode. You were sassy and evil and best of all, you were Jessica Fucking Lange.

But wait…what’s this? Fiona wakes up, with her hair and her looks, and finds herself in a strange bedroom.

Axeman walks in with a bunch of catfish ready to fry up for breakfast. It’s stinky and country and everything is shabby chic and knotty pine. Where the fuck is she?

Fiona is in her own personal hell: doomed to play house with Axeman in his country cabin for all eternity. It’s Axeman’s heaven, but not Fiona’s. She sees Papa Legba laughing at her in the corner. Well, shit.

Back at Miss Robichaux’s No Really, This is Happening Academy, Cordelia opens the gate and welcomes the students into the house.

Zoe and Queenie help her, and FrankenKyle takes his rightful place as FrankenSpalding. Cordelia tells the students that they are no longer content just to survive. Her purpose at the school is to make sure that the coven thrives. Cordelia smiles at the hopeful students and gets ready to usher the coven into the 21st century.

Well, that’s it for American Horror Story: Coven! I’d like to thank Forever Intern Grace, without whom these recaps would be impossible. And thanks to everyone for reading and following along with this ridiculous show. I’ve never recapped anything before, and I had a fucking blast. There will be more to come.

What else is there to say, but…BALENCIAGA!!!

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